Original subtitles

- [Narrator] You are about to witness the Super Awesome

Story of Mark and Gary.

From the very beginning, they had big dreams.

But they didn't just build extraordinarily large

Lego castles, no.

As teenagers, they discovered a love for the arts.

It was a passion that fueled them both.

Plus, they also got to have sweet sword fights.

Time passed and they grew older, but they were

still inseparable, and Mark's grandma was always

there to support.

They continued to push the boundaries of theater.

Their Hamlet with a Down syndrome Chinese boy

as Ophelia earned them national recognition.

But, they weren't the only ones making waves.

An ex lawyer, Fairfax Ward, was quickly becoming

the new face of edgy political theater.

Mark and Gary thought he was a total dick.

They both loved dogs, too, and would make

a bit of money in their down time with a dog walking

business.

They used this quiet time to come up with their next hit,

and boy did they come up with a next hit.

Gilded Lilies was totally awesome.

A gay love story they wrote and directed.

It was a hit with audiences around the world.

They were being courted by producers and studios everywhere.

This success allowed them to create work with meaning

and drink super sweet whiskey.

But they held down their jobs at lifelong friend Deb's

comic book shop.

They got to play with toys whenever they wanted,

which was pretty sweet.

Sometimes, greatness is thrust upon the least

likely of people.

In a world that demands change, equality, and celebration,

leaders are required.

Mark and Gary had no idea what lay around the corner

for them.

Over to you, boys.

- Who are you to stand here on stolen soil and tell us

that we can't come here?

Racist.

War.

It is also bad, we have Frankenstein.

But I am you.

- Listen, Dostoevsky tomorrow night, directing.

So listen.

I'm only getting 17 cats into that dilapidated

converted jail, I want you two to be there.

What do you say? - Great, love to.

- Cheers, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Deals with the rejection of utopian socialism.

What were you guys saying?

- Refugees struggling-- - Love your African's abs.

That shit's smart.

Yeah, yeah.

Can't get enough of that shit.

Tomorrow night, that shit will be on tap.

Yo.

- Hey, guys. - Hey, hey.

- Oh, guys, that was just, I don't know.

Wow.

- Thanks, Deb. - Thanks, Deb.

- Alan fucking brung it. - Yeah, it was awesome.

- Great.

What are you looking at? - Racism is bad.

- [Both] It is.

- Nothing better than two white boys telling me

how hard it is to be black.

- Oh, dude, that's not-- - Just yanking your wang.

It was shit, though.

- Thanks, appreciate it, man. - I'm white.

- All right here we go.

Here we go, mate.

- Wanker.

Oh, man.

Every Rocky movie after the original was critically

panned and yet the franchise has grossed over

a billion dollars. - OK, firstly,

we'll be lucky to make a hundred bucks with our play,

secondly, Rocky is a dumb action movie.

- It's not a dumb action movie.

It's one of the most beautiful love stories ever told.

- No, no, PS I Love You is a love story.

Rocky is not a love story, it's an action movie.

- Are you retarded? - No.

Rocky is a movie about a retarded boxer.

Adrian, Adrian. - It's a metaphor for life.

- Yeah, but it's the only metaphor you

use for anything ever. - Yeah, there's

a reason for that. - Whatever, let's just agree

to disagree. - Fine.

- Hey guys.

- Hey, Deb. - Looking good.

- Thanks.

- What's up, fellas?

Disturbance in the force?

- The review, she gave it one out of 10.

- She's lame.

She's a middle school coordinator of Lameville High.

Hey, I was watching some Robert Kiyosaki on YouTube,

and he said something about first one through

the wall gets a bit bloodied.

- Didn't he just go bankrupt?

- Keep fighting the good fight.

- I've had worse reviews. - Often times,

the first one through the wall gets a bit bloodied.

- You guys suck.

- Whatever, sugars.

- Hey, bring it, OK?

Paying audience, bring it.

(hip hop music)

- Hi. - Hey, glad you could make it.

- Are you kidding?

We fucking love Dostoevsky.

(dramatic music)

- Let's go in. - Let's go.

(rock music)

- Is that Jack Simpson? - Fuck yeah.

- Do you want to meet him? - Serious?

- Yeah, yeah, no worries. - Hey, Jack.

Jack, hey.

It's Mark.

- Hey, Gary.

Gaza.

Gilded Lilies. - Yeah, right.

How are you doing guys? - Good.

- Been a while, yeah? - Not that long.

Just we know each other. - Yeah, hey, look,

this is Violet and Paige.

- Can I just say I loved you in Legal Murder?

- Sorry, and West Side Story.

You like, such masculinity and--

- Thanks, ladies.

You guys catch Gilded Lilies?

These guys were absolutely incredible in that.

I mean, seriously, honest work.

And that kiss, guys.

It totally broke me, yeah?

You doing a film version or something?

- Yeah, we've written it. - Some producers optioned it.

- Yes, it's in the works, but what are you up to?

You must be filming and like doing all sorts of cool--

(melodic honking)

- Jack fucking Simpson.

(laughing)

- Fairfax fucking Ward.

- Jack Simpson in the flesh, as I live and breathe.

The jewel in our artistic world.

(laughing)

Oh, man.

Look at you. - Hey, Fairfax.

- Hey, Mack, Guy.

- It's Mark. - Gary.

- My God, come here, come here, come here.

Oh, man.

- Didn't I tell you I'd come?

(chattering)

- You look beautiful, man.

Thank you, thank you.

- Since that nightmare. - Don't even talk about,

I can't even laugh about that.

I can't even laugh about that.

- Worst show ever. - That shit you showed

last time might have won that prize.

- Oh, sorry, we don't make undies for a living.

- Carl and Shay have an underwear line specifically

for the contemporary gay.

- Soft men's wear. - Expanding into the lesbian

market next spring.

- I'll keep an eye out.

- No tweeting at the table.

- Fuck off you fat fucking orange face.

- You know I hate that shit.

- Twitter's for nerds. - No, it's hands down

the best social media platform, it is an all access pass.

Anything's possible.

- Jay's like God in Twittersphere.

He's got a million followers.

- One point one million, fat. - Why are you so popular?

- I am an entrepreneur.

- Fuck off, you make undies, man.

- Fuck off, you walk dogs. - You walk dogs?

- No. - When he's not

selling comics.

- You sell comics.

- Better than undies, right? - Those undies got us a two

bedroom apartment in the heart of the city.

Meanwhile, you two drag your dicks along the ground,

don't do nothing.

- Really, I've got so many-- - Stay.

- I need to learn some lines for tomorrow.

- I'll call you, I'll call you, I'll call you tomorrow.

- So, I'll text ya.

- You know that's like the hottest, they're the most

beautiful women. - Those fucking girls.

They were so hot. - Was that supposed

to be Al Pacino? - It is Al Pacino,

mother fucker. - No, it's about hu-ah.

She got a great ass.

- She got a great personality.

- She got a great dress on.

- She got a great recipe for a muesli bar slice.

- She got a great set of shoes that are orthopedic

and don't give her back pain.

- Let's go play Twister. - I'm hungry.

- [Shay] Man, you've already had

like four fucking Pad Thais.

- Well, I'm a big boy, aren't I?

- Fuck yeah you are. - It's not fucking

porn Twister.

(beeping)

Game off.

- What an angel.

Listen to her message. - Who?

- My niece.

- Meh. - What do you mean, "Meh"?

- I mean, "Meh," kids, whatevs.

What, it's not like it's yours.

- It's my niece, bro.

- OK, rolling.

- Hello, Muffy.

You look even more beautiful than the real Snow White.

- And she is hot. - Happy birthday, sweetie.

Wish I was there.

Now here's my friends to say something very special.

(coughing)

- Muffy.

Hi, I'm Gary, you're little.

Don't forget, you can't be in your princess shoes

after midnight, it's time to change.

- It's not Cinderella. - We're all the same.

Cinderella, Snow White, Darth Vader.

Oh, and don't eat too much sugar.

It's the baddest.

- Hey, Fluffy.

I think it's really sad that Snow White ate the red apple

and went to sleep for so long.

It makes me really sad.

I really think we should do something about it.

I hope your life isn't doomed like hers.

- She's two, you fucking morons.

- All right, I didn't know you were like into kids and shit.

- I love her, have some respect.

- [Gary] Well, if you love 'em so much, get your own.

- Maybe we will.

(coughing)

- What?

Like adopt?

Do you guys want to get married?

- Well, it's not that easy. - Especially with your dad.

Fucking conservative coconut.

You fat fucking islander.

- Actually, that's not a bad idea.

- What?

- Like, a couple of, like a play, you know?

Like a musical, there's like a couple of guys

that want to get married, but they can't.

- Yeah, fuck yeah.

Like anti marriage shit.

Equality stigma. - Family full of haters.

- Fucking chuck in a Chinese kid that's fucking adopted.

- You know, just crack open what it's like for you gays,

you guys. - They could have AIDs,

one of 'em. - Or it could be like Glee.

- What, a musical?

- Fuck yeah. - Fuck yeah.

- Fuck yeah, mm hmm.

- That's actually not a bad idea, boys.

Except for the AIDs part. - It's current.

- Nah, musicals are expensive.

- Fuck that, when I get my docko--

- Here we go.

- No, no, no, OK.

I raised-- - 75,000 through

crowd sourcing, we know.

- Listen, morons.

Most of the gay community still remember you two

from the Gilded Lilies.

You have an in.

There's money to be made in something like this.

- [Woman] I love you, but I can't be with you.

You're my brother.

- [Narrator] Next week on Days of Our Lives,

Neville McBebee guest stars.

(chattering, laughing)

- Man, Neville McBebee. - The Bebe.

- [Gary] Grandma.

- Gary and I got a beard on Ebay for this Darth Vader

suit, and it's like a full replica from on set.

- Yeah, it's like directly from the movies.

- Helmet, chest plate. - You wouldn't know.

It's like you're in the movie.

- It's an original replica.

Because we've had an idea. - Yeah, right.

So, it's this one man show with Darth Vader,

kind of post the Death Star exploding, him having

to reconnect. - A story of redemption.

- Find his wife again. - It's beautiful.

It's beautiful.

There's some really honest moments with Darth Vader

just confessing about all the bad shit he's done.

- My life is ruined. - I didn't have a daddy

and that's why I was mean to you.

- I found a business card on the Emperor's desk

for a psychiatrist, I should go see him.

- Anyway, basically, what we need is--

- OK, how much? - $50.

- Done.

- Cool, hey, cool.

- Thank you.

Thank you.

- This looks lovely.

- That cream's awesome.

Mm. - Thank you.

I read your review.

You're not getting any younger, boys.

Neither am I.

(hip hop music)

(groaning)

- Fuck.

(laughing)

- Hey, hey. - Sup, dickhead?

- I've been looking for you boys everywhere.

- Well, why? - What the fuck is that?

- It's a dog. - Shar Pei.

- Bear coat.

(barking)

- Honey I'm Homeless.

- What, did you and Carl have a fight?

- What?

No, I didn't have a fucking fight.

Just shut up.

Watch it.

- Hi, I'm Gary. - I'm Mark.

- [Narrator] Are you tired of being told your love

is inferior? - I think it's really sad.

- It's the baddest.

- [Narrator] How does it feel when someone questions

your ability to raise your child?

- Watch it.

- Watching.

- [Narrator] Love has no boundaries.

How can we be so progressive as a global society,

but still apply these ancient, desert prejudices

to our lives? - We're all the same.

- [Narrator] What will our children say about us,

when they look back at us this time?

- I really think we should do something about it.

- [Narrator] Well you can.

Honey, I'm Homeless.

A new stage musical, dealing with marriage equality

through hilarious and heartbreaking relationship

of two men just living a true life.

It's time to stand up, donate your small change

for a big change.

- Don't forget.

- [Narrator] Together, we will rise.

- OK, so, long story short, did a bag of coke,

whipped this up last night, got it online about

nine hours ago, get it up on Twitter.

You boys went viral.

Ellen DeGeneres retweeted us.

Oh, and there's more.

You boys make 250K.

- K what?

- Dollars. - $250?

- Thousand. - I don't get it.

- $250,000.

Gays everywhere went hard and wet simultaneously

and have given you cash money.

- No. - Bullshit.

- Fact.

- Shay, we've never written a musical.

- Let alone a gay one.

- Fact, every musical is gay.

Fact, you two wrote Gilded Lilies, the gayest play ever.

- But Shay, that's totally fucking different.

- Shut up.

OK, this is amazing.

You two are brilliant.

Do you guys want to walk dogs and polish He-Man

until you're 70?

OK.

Shh.

This could change your lives.

Fact.

Shit just got real.

- [Both] Fuck yeah.

(hip hop music)

- See ya later. - Let's go.

- [Narrator] Appears to have made history when their

gay marriage musical, Honey I'm Homeless,

received over $250,000--

- We've got to do some research.

(gargling)

- ET phone home.

- Mine sounds better. - I think it does.

- ET phone home.

- ET phone home.

- It sounds shit, mine sounds way better, listen.

ET phone home.

- You just said it like a kid doing a bad ET impression.

(laughing)

It does.

Let's go.

Oh, Philadelphia. - Nice.

Short Bus? - Yeah, yeah, sweet.

Oh, yeah, Top Gun. - No, it's not gay.

- Dude, that volleyball scene, oiled up bodies,

it's like life partner with a poodle gay.

- That's more about the style of the '80s.

- [Gary] I really don't think so, little buddy.

That's pretty damn gay.

- Fine, I'm getting Lord of the Rings.

- What?

That's not gay.

- [Mark] Samwise and Frodo were boning,

all the way to Mordor.

- Dude, they were destroying a ring.

- Metaphor, they were throwing their homosexual

desires into a hole. - That's the dumbest thing

I've ever heard, man.

- I read it online. - Yeah, whatever.

- It was a forum.

It's called Lord of the Ring.

(gentle music)

(phone ringing)

- Yo, what's up, man, hey. - Sup?

How's writing?

- Slow. - There's no pressure.

You've got heaps of time.

- Yeah, it's just like, it's not our world, you know?

We don't know anything about it, dude.

- All right, get hot, put something in your hair,

I'm coming over, we're gonna find some inspiration.

(hip hop music)

OK, Mark, Stonewall.

Gary, Tool Shed.

Come on out.

- Enjoy your date night.

Meet you back here in an hour? - Yeah.

(muffled music)

- Ax? - Yeah.

- I used to watch you play. - Really?

- I'm your biggest fan. - Cheers, man.

That was another life. - Yeah.

Can I grab you a beer? - Yeah.

(dubstep music)

- Honey I'm Homeless. - Yeah.

- Oh, that video made me cry so hard.

I donated a 50.

So, you get your ass in here, boy.

You give or take?

You're not on campus anymore, baby.

- I didn't think I was.

No, no, I'm gonna.

- So, what was Cement like?

- Hands down the best car owner.

- What about GT? - He's a prick.

I saw that video, by the way.

- All right, what did you think?

- I think you're playing with fire.

- How do you mean?

- Mate, marriage is forever.

You'd be hard pressed pinning down any of mates

for two minutes, let alone a lifetime.

- OK, really, I've got to go.

- So young. - I'm 30.

- You wouldn't tell. - I really should go, mate.

- Come on, babe.

The party hasn't even started.

Have a whiff of this.

Oh, fuck.

- How's your night?

I met Joey Gibbs. - I met a rapist.

Give us a double cheese, will you?

- Fuck, man, you did have a shit night.

- Whatever, man, just make it.

- Moment on the lip, lifetime on the hips.

- Meh. - Meh?

- Meh.

Hey, do you know anyone from New York?

- Billy Grabowski. - No, he's in Mambo, isn't he?

- Oh, yeah.

Don't know.

- Hello. - Mark, Gary.

- Yeah, this is Gary, sorry, who's this?

- Charlie Overton, I'm the head of programming

for the New York Festival.

I saw your video on NBC last night.

- Oh, wow, Charlie, it's great to meet you.

Hey, Mark. - What?

- It's got Charlie Overton on the phone.

He's from the New York Festival.

It's on a video call.

- Hey, Charlie. - Hey.

- Hi, I'm Mark.

Bad reception in here, so we'll just take it--

- So, I can't hear you, what are you saying?

Oh, just lost picture on you there, Charlie.

- [Mark] Sorry about that, mate.

Just fiddling with the modem.

Have you got that, is that all plugged in there?

- [Both] Hi.

- OK.

So, the whole town's talking about you.

It's quite the achievement, that much cash in that

little time. - Took us by surprise.

- I'll bet.

So, where's it all at?

- Well, we're just workshopping the script, really.

- Got a cast?

- Yeah, pretty much. - Who?

- Jack Simpson's probably gonna play the lead, actually.

- Great actor. - He is.

We're still casting the romantic lead.

- Well, if it's half as good as Gilded Lilies,

you ought to have a hit on your hands.

- What, did you see it? - Yeah, Mardi Gras 06.

Broke my heart.

- Wow, that's great. - So, listen.

My opening night show's fallen through.

Predator the Musical.

- Cool.

Was Arnie in it? - No.

- Carl Weathers? - No.

- [Both] Neville McBebee?

- How the fuck do you know McBebee?

That guy was like an extra in that film.

- Yeah, but he's only like one of the greatest

character actors ever. - Awesome.

- Agreed, he's underrated.

- Do you know him? - I met him at his

pizzeria once.

He's a great guy.

Let's cut the crap.

I need a replacement and from what I've heard,

Honey I'm Homeless would be a great fit.

- What was that, what did you say Charlie?

- What I'm saying is, if you guys want to open

the New York Festival, we'd have you.

- Oh, yeah, it's just, it's not quite finished yet.

That's the thing. - It's OK, I understand

the process, so what do you say?

- I don't know what to say. - Great, I'll take that

as a yes.

OK, lots to do, guys.

Opening night's in six weeks. - Six weeks?

Sorry, like from today? - Yeah.

And by the way, don't let me down.

- Hey, weren't you guys meant to be writing?

- Yeah. - We're warming up.

- Take this.

Director's fee.

What?

What?

- You know Charlie Overton. - The producer?

- Yeah, he called us last night and we kind of agreed

that the musical we haven't written should open

the New York Festival. - In six weeks.

In New York.

And we kind of implied that Jack Simpson was attached.

- Which he isn't.

- Buy a TV. - New Air Jordan's.

- Made by Asian toddlers, man.

- Everything we buy is made by Asian toddlers.

- They're your kids. - I'm not having any kids.

- Oh, bullshit, what if Beck Bernstein asked you

to make babies? - Don't talk about

her, please. - What, are you gonna cry?

- Fuck off, you gave Tiff herpes.

- That's true. - You gonna tell her

about that? - Are you gonna tell

Beck Bernstein you love her? - Fuck off.

- You're meeting Jack at midday.

- What, where? - In his shed.

Now, I'm gonna book a rehearsal venue, you start tomorrow.

- But we don't have a script, Shay.

- Figure it out.

- What the fuck are we meant to say to him?

- I don't know, you're creatives, be creative.

Get Jack Simpson.

And in the name of (foreign language spoken),

put some fucking pants on.

- Far out.

(guitar music)

(throat clearing)

- Good day fellas. - Hey, good day.

Cool shed.

What are you doing?

- Just rebuilding a carbie.

Bike. - Sweet.

- You guys ride?

- No. - I have.

- When? - The 10.

- Hey, take a seat. - Thanks, man.

- So, why me? - For the play?

Musical.

- Well, you know, you're Jack Simpson.

- I am.

- So, have you seen our video? - Yep.

- Is it something that interests you?

- Yep. - Why?

- Spent my life being this. - What, like an awesome,

buff action dude. - Yeah, who's got like

the coolest shed in the world and fixes carbies and stuff.

So, like, what does marriage equality mean to you?

- Oh, love is a beautiful thing, full stop, I guess.

- Do you have a babe?

- More importantly, what does marriage equality

mean to you guys?

- My grandma, she was from Egypt.

She came here on a boat, took her three months.

- Yep. - You know what

her welcome was?

Local milk baron spat in her face.

- Yep. - She didn't spit back.

She hugged the prick.

- She says I'm not gonna let him.

- She always said, "Be who you are, say what you feel,

"because those who mind don't matter,

"and those who matter don't mind."

- I think you'll find that was Dr. Seuss.

- Anyway, there's a lot of people out there

that don't matter, right, but they've still got a say.

They're our brothers. - And sisters.

Our fathers. - Politicians, our policemen.

- Our waiters, our teachers. - Our milkshake makers.

Our horse riders. - All those people.

We want to change 'em. - Yeah, we want to crack

their skulls with a show tune.

- Dazzling, dancing, all different style.

- A really professional wig. - A love story that would

melt the ice queen of Greenland.

- No, Iceland, wouldn't it? - Greenland's colder.

- No, is it?

I don't think it is.

- Well, actually, I saw Wrecking Man in both

countries and Greenland is colder.

- Fuck, I love Wrecking Man, it's like our favorite film.

- So cool. - You know that scene?

Give me back my daughter or I will wreck you.

- How can you wreck me if you can't even see me?

- [Both] Acid.

(screaming)

- I can't-- - Karate chop.

Have fun in hell, Wrecking Man.

- I'll get you, evil nemesis. - Finished?

- Yeah.

- But seriously, like, straight up, Jack.

You're amazing.

- The show is made for you.

- Plus, we already told New York you'd be in it.

- You what? - It was an accident.

Sort of.

- So, when do we start? - Nine AM tomorrow.

- I'm in, dudes.

- So, what, do you want to start with some games?

- No, we can't play games with Jack Simpson.

We've got to talk concept, character, motor bikes.

- OK, so what?

It's a couple, they want to get married.

They can't, they've got an adopted Chinese kid

called, I don't know, Zen Jwan.

What are their names?

- Jack can be Oscar, the other guy can be Harvey.

- Hey, Shay, who's playing Harvey?

- Kip Young.

He just wrapped on a huge vampire film.

He is about to pop. - Can he sing?

- Who cares, hot.

- But he's in his mid 20's.

They're supposed to be a couple.

- I'm not a fucking casting director.

Alan, dancer.

- Not every show you do is important, but this one

really is. - Yeah, it's an issue

that's really close to a lot of people's hearts,

so we got to treat it with the respect it deserves.

- But we'll also have a little bit of fun along the way.

- Yeah, oh yeah.

So, just a little insight into our process,

how we work.

- This is not a dictatorship. - Yeah, because when you see

Alec Baldwin, you see the true ugliness of human nature.

(laughing)

- Team America. - Yeah.

Now, look, all ideas are valid.

OK, we want this to be something we can all be proud of.

- Got you. - So, let's start

with a few exercises. - Exercises?

- Yeah, exercises.

So, let's start with a real simple one, it's called

"One thing you do and don't know about me."

Mark will start.

You just gotta be open and honest, that's the key.

- So, one thing you do know about me is I'm a director.

- I thought Greg was the director.

- It's Gary, and we're both directing.

- That's weird.

- One thing you don't know about me is

I never knew my family.

My grandma raised me.

- OK, I'll jump in.

Good day, my name is Jack.

Guess you all know that.

One thing you do know about me is that I built my own

pop up bungle.

And OK, something you don't know about me.

Well, I recently lost my best mate to cancer.

Fuck.

I just really miss his little meow.

- That's really sad, Jack.

I don't know what I'd do without my little pug.

Dennis.

One thing you do know about me is I'm a movie star.

- Sorry. - Of a vampire flick

coming out May 10, Suck.

Chat about it being the biggest

opening weekend of they year.

- I've got tickets.

- One thing you don't know about me,

I don't have a dad, either.

He shot himself in the face, I was 10.

I found him in the bath.

- OK, new game.

(upbeat pop music)

♪ There was a guy

♪ Y'all know him as Harvey

♪ He had a dream

♪ Back in the '70s

♪ Those that were closed would open up their hearts

♪ And pour themselves a long, cool, dirty glass

♪ Of Harvey's mother's milk

♪ Harvey's mother's milk

- OK, yep, go on, Basil.

♪ There's always people who put you

♪ Through the ringer

♪ Fact is some folks just can't take their dairy

♪ They're absolutely

♪ Terrified

♪ Of Harvey's mother's milk

♪ Harvey's mother's milk

♪ I said

♪ Harvey

♪ Harvey's

♪ Harvey's

(applause)

- OK, so, why is a straight bloke, yeah?

Gonna want to see a play, a show, that's all

about gay love? - Love, it's all the same.

- I mean, this is a story that transcends sexuality.

Full stop. - That's easy for you

to say, you are gays. - Actually, we're not.

- Then why are you doing a play about them?

- That's exactly why we're doing it.

Break down some of the barriers.

- Look, marriage inequality sucks.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Out of tape.

You guys got a spare? - No, I threw mine out

in 1995.

- Suit yourself.

I was getting some good stuff there.

Let's do the photo, yeah?

- Sure.

- Jack Simpson, I will wreck you.

I wouldn't have bothered with you if I knew you were here.

- Good day, mate, how you doing?

- Glen.

- So we have a photo or something?

- Yeah.

OK.

Say cheese.

Oh, Jack, I might just get you to.

Move in, cover Alan.

(photo snapping)

Great, got it. - So, we done?

My ride's here, yeah?

Good to meet ya. - See ya tomorrow.

- Thanks, Jack.

- Alan.

- Right. - Thanks, Greg.

- Thanks. - Glen.

- Hi, Dad, it's me, Kip, I had the best day at school, Dad.

Oh, my gosh, I met a boy.

I think I love him. - Drop the voice, dude.

- No, it's good.

I think I want to marry him, Dad.

Dad, where are you? - You can't marry a man, Kip.

- Don't be like that, Dad.

Dad, where are you? - I'm in the bath.

- Nah, that's a bit dark.

- That's his story, though.

♪ If only we could tie the knot with Dad's permission

♪ It's awful

♪ To be told

♪ What you can and cannot hold

♪ I love you so

- OK, so when you're ready, guys.

- You sure you're OK with these lyrics, Kip?

- Yeah, that's fine.

Dad would be proud.

I'm honored, bros.

- So, just remember, it's all about the love between

these two.

OK?

- Just from the top? - Yeah, great.

- Is he gonna be here? - Yeah.

- Serious? - Yeah, move in

and, you know.

♪ If only we could tie the knot with Dad's permission

♪ Now I know what Rosa Parks must have felt like

♪ It's awful to be told

♪ What we can and cannot hold

♪ I love you so

♪ So much boy

♪ So much

♪ Boy

♪ Boy

♪ Boy, boy

♪ Much

♪ Boy

- Basil.

- Yeah, I was really vibing that.

(upbeat music)

(phone beeping)

- Oh, fuck. - What?

- Kip's agent's organized him a singing lesson.

He's not coming in. - Well, it's the beginning.

- Of a long, pointless journey.

- Well, we've got to rehearse.

What do we do?

How the hell are we going to pay our mortgage?

- I didn't ask for redundancy, Oscar.

- How are we gonna feed Zen Jwan?

- I got a veggie garden. - Jesus, Harvey.

I could have got a job.

I could have been studying part time.

I could have been selling chicken at the organic

farmer's market. - Who are you?

Mildred Pearce?

- This is not what husbands do.

- We're not husbands.

- Oh.

Oh.

(moaning)

Baby, get in my oven and season it with spunk.

- This is fucking bullshit, mate.

- They're just, they're a highly sexualized couple, Jack.

- This is like a 12 year old's view of like gay intimacy.

These two blokes are having a blow, and what, they

start fucking finger fucking each other?

Have I missed the point?

- No, it's like, in long term relationships,

you can say outrageous things, you can say anything.

- Oh, really, say outrageous things like,

"Park your submarine in my dry dock and

"release the seamen?"

- That one is meant to be funny.

- It's not funny.

Fix it.

- [Both] Totally.

- Fuck me.

- Get in my oven.

Was trying to fix it.

This is not what husbands do, we're not husbands.

I think the beget stuff might be a bit much.

- No, it's funny.

- To a prepubescent.

Could we have a flat white and a cappuccino please?

- Comrades.

Shay tells me you guys are kicking major goals.

That's cool.

- Yeah, no, it's going really great.

How are you, mate?

- A little CD with the ST.

- Sorry? - Huh?

- What? - What?

- What did you say? - Sorry, man.

Little current development with the state theater.

- All right, cool. - No, man.

Too many hoops.

I've got bad knees, you know what I mean?

I'm stuck.

- Yeah, well, you know, you just got to juice

when the fruit's ready for juicing.

- I love that.

No one wants to eat a hard banana.

- Well, some do.

- Coffee's up. - Cheers.

- Guys, I envy you.

You march on the beat of your own drum.

(drumming)

- Thanks. - Thanks.

- See you later. - No, man, seriously.

You guys, you don't get it yet.

You don't.

The envy, it's green.

It's like the Emerald City.

Minus the flying monkeys, obviously.

Gilded Lilies reached into my heart.

You broke it, you mended it, in 92 minutes.

Of delicious storytelling.

If it wasn't for you guys,

I'd still be pushing pencils in a legal firm.

You believe that?

You believe it?

- I can, I mean, yeah, I can.

(foreign language spoken)

Thanks, man.

- Ah, man.

- Weird, right?

- The guy we thought was basically the biggest

cheese dick in the entire universe just

professed his love for us. - Weird.

- What's all that about? - It's kind of cool,

when you think about it, though.

- Mm.

He pushes the boundaries. - He's got a sweet hat.

- Speaks Arabic.

- Maybe we are on the right track.

- Gentlemen, we're on in three, two.

Welcome back to KSL853.

You are with the Kim Divine Show, listening to

Kim Divine talking to Mark Zeegrab and Gary Eastwood,

creators of the new musical set to open at the

New York Festival next month.

Honey I'm Homeless.

Gentlemen, welcome and I'm quoting from your

press release here, a politically charged,

entertaining romp that charts the struggles

of a homosexual couple desperate to be married.

Entertaining romp. - Yeah, it's full of

great songs and dance numbers.

- To raise your money, you're using what's becoming

quite a popular tool, crowd funding.

Why that route?

- Well, it empowers the individual.

These people are-- - These people Mark is

referring to, they're the gays, they're the lesbians

that are wishing to redefine one of society's

strongest traditions. - I don't think we can

say that marriage is traditional.

It's been evolving forever.

- If it hadn't interracial couples wouldn't be

allowed to wed.

You know, you'd have parents selling their kids

to the highest bidders and princes would be marrying

six year olds, so I think it's--

- Oh, hear the chimes of the default leftist stance.

Why wouldn't you get your money from a real source?

I don't know, a producer.

- Well, look, with that comes a lot of red tape

and restrictions-- - So, ultimately,

no legitimate organization would touch it.

With minority issues like this, isn't it better

for our politicians in parliament to be debating this,

rather than literally making a song and dance about it?

- Well, firstly, it's hardly a minority issue.

- Many of my listeners would beg to differ.

- I bet they would. - No one has the right

to redefine marriage. - Tell that

to Henry the Eighth. - Gary.

Are you gay? - No.

- Mark, you? - No.

- So, I've got to ask.

What makes you the flag bearers for the tyrannized gays

of the world? - We've got a lot

of gay friends.

I played a gay man in a show. - You played a gay man.

Gary, I see here on your CV that you played an

ambulance officer on a soap.

Tell me.

If I was in a car crash tomorrow, could you save my life?

- I have done my first aid certificate, so--

- I think the point is, you're not a registered ambo.

You were playing a part, yes?

It was a fantasy.

I ask you again.

What makes you two the authority?

See, here's the thing, boys.

I grew up with the Sound of Music, the Wizard of Oz.

That's entertainment.

Honey, I'm Homeless.

I'm sorry, but this sounds like two lefties

cashing in on a hot political issue.

You want to know what I think?

Let them commit, let them even live together.

But marriage is sacred.

Man and woman, full stop, no argument from me.

After the break, it's traffic with Vince Larocki.

We're out.

- That guy was a fucking cock. - It's bullshit.

He's a philistine.

- Well, you guys handled it well.

You're never gonna change people like that.

- Isn't that the whole point? - I suffer all kinds

of shit because I'm black. - And gay.

- Yeah.

But I don't care.

It's the people on the fence who need to change.

That's who you need to get.

Eventually, openness will outnumber prejudice.

That's why you do the show.

- Oh, Buddha.

PS, media launch next week.

- Hopefully we can teach Kip to sing by then.

- Yeah, thanks for that amazing piece of casting, Shay.

- Why don't you get him to speak it?

Works for Leonard Cohen.

- Kip Cohen, yeah, cool.

- How's the show?

Is it ready? - There's a couple of song

writing issues, but we'll be all right.

So, it's legal in New Zealand and--

- Mexico, Brazil.

- Portugal, Iceland, Spain. - South Africa.

A bunch of US states.

♪ Oh Brazil and Belgium

♪ Canada and Argentina

♪ Israel and Iceland

♪ Mexico and Spain

♪ Portugal and Sweden

♪ Norway, but we're gonna go to the Netherlands

♪ To the Netherlands, where we can legally wed

♪ And touch your Netherlands

♪ Or we could go to Norway

♪ So we could do it our way

♪ We're getting married

♪ Our passion will carry us all the way to the altar

♪ Prince Albert will be there

♪ And so will the queens

♪ We'll diss the reception

♪ Have sex like machines

♪ It'll be great fun

♪ Gonna be covered in cum

- Hey, wrestler, man.

I love you. - Oh, I love you, too,

other wrestler man. - Guess what time it is?

- What time is it?

- It's wedding time, dude. - Oh, that's so cool.

♪ It's wedding time

♪ It's wedding time

♪ It's wedding time

♪ It's wedding time

♪ Dressed in a tux

♪ Finally walking down the aisle

♪ And I cannot help but smile

♪ Hold rings in hand

♪ Excitement I cannot withstand

♪ You were handsome, I'll admit

♪ I've loved you since the day we met

♪ It's time to tie the damn knot

♪ You know we've waited a lot

♪ We wait with grace like a fine wine

♪ Come on, it's wedding time

♪ Woo hoo

- Who is Zen Joeanne?

- Zen Jwan, she's your daughter.

- In the musical with Harvey. - Jack.

- Dude, yeah, me.

- OK, anyway, look, seriously, great, great week, guys.

So, get home, rest up, early night, we have got

a media showing tomorrow.

Woo.

- I just wanted to say, I love you guys.

- I love you, too.

I just wanted to thank God,

except for my kid being born,

this is the greatest night in the history of my life.

Yo, Adrian, we did it.

- Mark. - Adrian.

- Dude. - No, I'm just saying.

You guys are like my Adrian. - Who's Adrian?

- It's a Rocky thing. - What?

- Rocky, it's a boxing movie. - It's not just

a boxing movie. - Doesn't matter.

Anyway, guys, seriously, get home, rest up,

I'll see ya tomorrow, bright and early, all right?

- Yeah, good day. - See ya.

- See ya, Alan, bye, mate.

Fucking doing it, man.

We're having a fucking Broadway musical.

Boom shaka laka.

- Fuck, fuck yeah.

- Fuck the police.

- Fuck your mom.

- Fuck fuck boom.

- Fuck fuck.

- Fuck lettuce.

- Fuck this cup.

(yelling, grunting)

Fuck a keyboard.

(laughing)

- You fuckwoods free tonight?

- Yeah, sure, man.

- OK.

Here you go, guys.

- Jesus. - Actually butchered these

myself at my farm. - Oh, cool.

Do you hunt a lot? - Yeah, fair bit.

- How many guns you got? - Just the one.

- How do you hunt a quail?

- Use a trap, mate. - You ever killed a lion?

- So, where's your farm?

- 100 miles northwest.

- Get there a lot? - Nah, not as much

as I used to.

Did you ever see a fucking lion in the bush, dude?

(laughing)

- Well, I wouldn't know, I've never been to the bush.

(laughing)

- Hey, who's that? - That handsome bastard

up there is Billy.

Actually, Billy and I bought this place together.

Yeah.

Bought the farm together, too, but he passed away.

Listen, boys.

I've been doing this shit all my life.

Billy was my,

and I kept it hidden, for what?

For my career.

Pretty shameful, huh?

So, when I saw your little video,

I decided that I had to do it.

I guess it's the closest I'll ever come to

well, you know.

- Did Billy like hunting?

- He fucking loved it, mate.

(laughing)

- Full on, man. - Big time.

- I had goosebumps. - I nearly cried.

- Really?

Me, too.

- Wrecking Man's gay.

- Still a total badass, though.

- Uber bad.

Hey, we should write a song about that.

- What, about Jack and Billy?

That would be sweet, we could call it Billy's Song.

♪ Day by day

♪ Hand in hand

♪ Strength to strength

♪ Man to man

- Like the final moments before the big fight, isn't it?

Alone in the ring.

Doubt.

I didn't have you watch Rocky as a kid because you loved

the fights.

Rocky made the most of every opportunity.

You couldn't have a better role model.

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

nothing is gonna get better.

It's not.

- Hey, Jack, we wrote you a new song.

It's our final number.

- The melody's the same.

- Thanks, guys. - Thanks, mate.

- Yeah, no worries, man. - We're on.

- Let's do this, guys. - Sugars.

- All right.

(tense, melancholy music)

- Ladies and gentlemen.

Introducing Mr. Mark Zeegrab and Gary Eastwood,

creators of Honey I'm Homeless.

- Ladies and gentlemen, you're about to witness

what's been a relatively short, but intense process.

I've really loved it.

Gary? - Yeah, mate.

Equal love.

This is a really important story and we're just really

honored to be able to tell it, so without further ado--

- [Mark] Let's get this show on the road.

♪ It's wedding time

♪ It's wedding time

♪ Dressed in a tux

♪ They look sublime

♪ I'm finally walking down the aisle

♪ And I just cannot help but smile

♪ Holds our rings in hand

♪ Excitement I cannot withstand

♪ You look handsome, I'll admit

- You know, sometimes I think I should have stayed inside

and watered my cactus instead of coming out

and munching my mattress.

OK, I'm not interested in the opposite sex,

but you people want to put a hex on us.

Not cool, Mr. Politician.

I see you in court, I think you've been bought.

OK, I'm an appreciator of Broadway musicals.

But you're the brown noser.

I may enjoy an Oscar Wilde quote, but at least

I'm not fishing for votes.

How could you sit on this for four weeks?

- I was trying to fix it.

- This is not what husbands do.

- We're not husbands.

Come here.

♪ If only I'd been faster

♪ I could have saved the day

♪ Ah yeah

♪ I would have made your favorite pasta

♪ Spaghetti bolognese

♪ And not told you that I'm gay

♪ Told you that I'm gay, gay, gay

♪ Gay

♪ I woulda shoulda coulda

♪ Ah yeah

♪ I promise I'll be true now

♪ So true now

♪ No more secrets in my world

♪ Dad, I'll make ya proud

♪ It's here

♪ The day I never thought we'd see

♪ 200 friends and family

♪ Two matching suits

♪ Two wedding rings

♪ Too scary

♪ You

♪ You turned to me and fixed my tie

♪ It makes you laugh to know I'll cry

♪ It wouldn't be the first time, baby

♪ With this ring, I am yours

♪ And you are mine forever

♪ With this vow

♪ We won't hide it anymore

♪ Now I know

♪ Why they sing about it

♪ Write about it

♪ Now I see

♪ That the future isn't blind

♪ Now a man to man

♪ And my world seems upside down and crazy

♪ But I know I'm in control

♪ Now you're here with me

♪ Let's seal the deal and shout out loud

♪ You have tied me down and set me free

♪ We'll go from strength to strength as man to man

♪ But first I fought against it

♪ I was mean

♪ What does a piece of paper mean

♪ Two signatures, two blushing grooms, too corny

♪ Besides

♪ We've been together for so long

♪ To boast about it just seems wrong

♪ You touched my cheek and just said

♪ Baby

♪ Let's find out

♪ Why they sing about it, write about it

♪ Let's just see

♪ If that future isn't blind

♪ With this ring

♪ I'll be yours and you'll be mine forever

♪ With this vow

♪ We won't hide it anymore

♪ And we'll be man to man

♪ I know it's crazy

♪ But this time I'm in control

♪ 'Cause you're here with me

♪ Let's seal the deal and shout out loud

♪ You have tied me down and set me free

♪ We'll go from strength to strength as man to man

♪ Day by day

♪ Hand in hand

♪ Strength to strength, man to man

(applause)

(chattering)

- So, Kip, what was it like working on Suck?

- Victor Fringe, I fucked the camera, cut.

- Kip, that's awesome. - You've got some

action man guns. - Yeah, right.

- Bang bang. - I will wreck you.

- Seriously, boys, from the heart.

You boys are solid.

You talk the talk, you get things done, eh?

- Thanks, Jack. - My balls are blue.

Yeah, well, cider makes me horny.

You know, I would totally bone this bottle if

my dick wasn't in the top 10% allocation under 30.

- Eastwood and Zeegrab.

- Do you want to make over the mall, Tiff?

- Suck a dick.

Just finished a workshop with Fairfax Ward.

- Who? - Oh, you know.

The hottest director ever. - Oh, that's debatable.

- Patrol.

Tiff, rum, hoofters.

Cosmo.

Jack Simpson.

I will wreck you.

- Dude, your fly's undone. - Easy access.

- I'm gonna get, does anyone want anything?

(hip hop music)

- So, rehearsals with Fairfax are amazing.

- I bet. - Take me out to dinner

tomorrow night. - Is the Chad gonna tag on?

Whatever gets you ahead, babe. - I fucking hate you.

- Just feel like a fucking phony, man.

I can't sing.

My fucking fringe is insured.

I just want to work in a Hobbyco.

- Come here, mate.

There we go.

- Hey boys. - Hey.

Jack.

- Still burning? - Yeah, mate, OK.

I'll just grab you a water.

- What's happening?

- Oh, Shay, sup?

Come meet us, man.

We're at Life Car.

I've got to go, bye.

(hip hop music)

Ow.

- You suck. - Give me a minute.

I'll get it up, I promise.

Come back.

(retching)

- Gary, what the fuck?

You're a dick.

- Get out of here, man. - Smoke bomb?

♪ Day by day

♪ Hand in hand

♪ Strength to strength

♪ Man to man

(foreign language spoken)

- What's up, man?

You missed the best night, it was.

Is he OK?

- He's in ICU, he's unstable.

Just crossing the road, boys.

- What's all that about?

- It's all mad, won't let me see him.

- That's fucked. - Who's that fat prick

to say you can't see him? - The law.

- What do you mean it's the law?

- Well, the family has visitation rights.

- You guys are family, you've been together

for like eight years. - Yeah, I know,

but we're not married. - Well, you want to be.

That's a dumb law.

- We could speak to the nurse for you.

- I can do that.

I just can't see him.

- Man, when Carl wakes up, he's gonna bash that

fat fuck.

- So, when is he gonna wake up?

- When his brain stops swelling.

He was buying tickets for our anniversary.

It's where we met.

Just want to see next to some islander.

Tied as one.

I thought he was gonna bash me, but then he just

caught up and he shook my hand,

and just congratulated me. - Shay.

You know we leave in two days, right?

- So where does that leave you?

- Here.

I'm gonna e-mail you my Twitter deets.

All right?

You sort out the media shit tonight.

Oh, fuck.

- OK, mate.

(crying)

- I never seen Shay so upset. - Carl will wake up.

- What if he doesn't?

- He will. - You reckon?

- Just gotta believe he will, man.

- What if he doesn't? - Fuck, dude.

I don't know, like, what do you want me to say?

Oh.

Well, yeah, by the way, our show sucks, apparently.

Yep, it's like, what's this, an episode of South Park

except not funny.

Oh, this is good.

Despite a stunning finale, the writers lack insight

into the theme, and this is a good tweet, this one.

Worst casting of the decade, pairing a tween idol

and aging action star as star crossed lovers.

- Oh, fuck.

Fuck. - What are you doing, man?

- Man, no one else is out there trying to do anything

about marriage equality. - Yeah, well, maybe

they're right.

- Well, they're not.

- Oh, no fucking way. - Tweet that shit to the man.

Aging action star and tween idol dry fuck

in an alley, hashtag marriage equality.

- All right, tween idol, action star,

dry fuck in alley, attach image.

- Don't. - I'm not actually gonna

do it, dick, I'm just having a joke.

- It's not funny. - Fuck off.

- Neither are you, according to the reviews.

- I didn't read the tweet that said Gary isn't funny,

but Mark's hilarious.

Do you want to read that one to me, dickface?

- You're a fucking dickhead.

- You're soft. - No, I'm not.

- You are, call Beck Bernstein.

- Tell Tiff you gave her warts.

- No. - You're a fucking

loser, dude. - Yeah, well, you're

a fucking grandma dick faced shit fucker.

- Yeah, well, at least I got a fucking family

that like me.

(grunting)

Fuck, Gary, you fucking cock.

- What? - How do you delete a Tweet?

- Oh, fuck.

- Did you do it? - Yeah, it's fine.

- Fuck.

(laughing)

- Far out.

Hey, look, I'm

sorry.

You're too soft to call Beth Bernstein and

you fuck your grandma. - I'm sorry you spread warts.

And your family hates ya.

Fuck man, I hope Carl's OK.

- Me, too, man, me, too.

- Hey. - Hey, Jack.

- Fucking assholes.

How could you?

One point one million followers.

- Fuck, the tweet.

No, no, no, we deleted it, Jack.

- Too late, dickhead. - It was an accident.

- I'm so sorry.

- We're done.

- Kip's out.

Suck Two has been optioned.

- Oh, whatever.

- I'm leaving the show.

You hurt Jack's feelings.

- Two for one.

- [Gary] Thanks, Deb.

- There's not enough pepperoni.

- Yeah, or cheese. - Try this one.

- No, I don't like chicken.

- Too much chili. - Guys, these are gourmet.

- Well, it all turns to shit.

- OK, correct me if I'm wrong, but I am sensing

some bad vibes. - What, no.

I'm just not hungry. - No, it's not about

you hunger, it's about your energy.

- What?

- Just listening. - I'm not in the mood, Deb.

- What's happened with the show?

I'm sensing a disturbance.

- Jack left the show today.

- Something else.

Very bad vibes.

A friend. - Carl's in hospital.

- He'll be OK.

Something deeper.

Darker.

Doubt.

- We had an opportunity and we screwed it.

- Been in free fall ever since the Gilded Lilies.

- I quote.

A tender, honest love story the likes of which

no one has ever seen.

I defy anyone with a pulse not to relate.

Five stars, the Herald.

Tenth of a fifth, 2006.

- It was a fluke. - It was our Top Gun.

See, we never meant for Gilded Lilies to be gay.

The first draft, it was about these two guys

from the bush who were gonna come to the city

for a crack at professional footie.

- Late in rehearsal, some hotshot producer came in

and watched a run and he said it was one of the most

beautiful gay love stories he'd ever seen,

but he wanted to know why the two guys didn't kiss.

- Yeah, yeah, we made some shit up about how, like,

it would be more understated this way, it's more honest.

- But he was like adamant that the audience deserved

a kiss. - So, we put one in.

- And we'd written the seminal gay play of our generation.

- So? - So, we're phonies.

- To yourselves, maybe, but not to the thousands

that flocked to see it.

Not to beefcakes that were crying on my shoulder

when Shane and Wane finally passed.

- Yeah, well, if they read the first draft,

the would have seen that Shane and Wane

raped a chick on their first night in Sydney.

- Oh.

Well, they didn't.

Do you know why that story worked?

Because it came from the heart.

OK.

You guys are in a cryosleep.

You need to wake up, eat a space bar,

urinate, put your space suit on, type in

your coordinates, and trust your AI

to get you to your destination.

So, by AI I mean heart, and by destination,

I mean script.

You know how to fly.

I've seen it.

Oh, midnight cosplay.

Ninja vanish.

(dramatic music)

(yelling)

(rock music)

♪ Well in the here and now

♪ We're gonna take this town

♪ We're gonna turn it inside out

♪ With all our hopes and dreams

♪ Up on the silver screen

♪ Come on, baby, our time is now

♪ I don't know what to do

♪ But I know if I'm with you

♪ We got the cards stacked in our deck

♪ Before it gets too late

♪ We'll climb the Empire State

♪ Come on, baby, the time is now

♪ I see the city lights

♪ Boy, they twinkle in your eyes

♪ Won't let you out of my sight, boy

♪ Come on, baby, our time is now.

- Hey, Charlie.

- What the fuck is this?

The show you were supposed to write,

the show I programmed, is not the show

that you've written.

You've cast yourselves as the lead, you got bad press.

People are asking for their money back.

And at what point were you planning on telling me

you lost Jack fucking Simpson?

- Just, it didn't work out, man.

- That's an understatement.

- We think this one's really special.

- Billy and Me? - Yeah, yeah.

Did you read it?

- Despite the fact I want to punch you both

in the balls, it's not half bad.

- It uses the same set-- - Costume design.

- I will not program a show with two unknown actors

from Australia without a star.

If you don't find me a star by six PM tonight,

I'm pulling the fucking thing.

And if I pull the fucking show, you're picking up

the fucking check. - OK.

- [Man] Get your star maps here.

Lifestyles of the rich and famous.

Star maps.

- Dude, star maps, like celebrity addresses.

- Give me your phone, give me your phone, quick.

- Hey, Google that shit.

Like New York celebrity something, addresses.

Is there like a-- - Ricky Gervais,

Neil Patrick Harris, Donald Trump, all within one mile.

- Wait, but Donald Trump, dude, he's like a

billionaire businessman guy.

- No, I get a really good vibe from him.

- He's not doing our play, he's not an actor.

- Neither is anyone else, at the moment,

so let's just keep our options open, OK?

- OK.

(beat boxing)

- Mr. Gervais, thanks so much for meeting us.

We've got this great play, you'd be excellent in it.

It's a small commitment, you literally open

and close the show.

It's five nights, $50,000, what do you say?

- Are you having a laugh? - Fuck, dude,

he's not actually gonna say that.

- He might. - Well, he's not going to.

- Mm.

- Thanks, Gary, that's really helpful.

- Well, I'm just saying he might.

- Well, he's not going to, is he?

- Every possible scenario, isn't it?

Hey, just after Ricky Gervais.

(laughing) - OK.

♪ Start spreading the news

♪ We're here today

- Hi, Pauly Shore there, please.

- Not here. - OK.

(beat boxing)

- Hi, my name's Mark, I was hoping Keanu Reeves

was there please? - Yeah, who the fuck is this?

- Oh, we've written him a script.

- Why, what for? - We're from Australia.

Sorry, this is Gary, hi, yeah.

Yes, Keanu, from the Matrix.

- [Man] I don't know who the fuck you are,

but you ain't seeing Keanu.

- You don't have to be aggressive about it.

- [Man] Yeah, well, I do, it's fucking Keanu.

- Yeah, angry American. - I'm from America.

Mr. Sandman bring me a dream.

- Oh, yeah, just after Denzel. - Denzel who?

- Washington.

Hey, just after Alec Baldwin.

- Hi, we're after Ian Ziering.

Hi, is Mr. T there please? - Why don't you

fuck off, sucker? - OK.

(beat boxing)

- No, we've come this far, man.

- No, fuck it, man.

Fuck New York, fuck our play, fuck marriage equality,

fuck Rocky.

I just want to eat take out, move to the suburbs,

get fat.

I'm gonna get so fucking fat, man.

Gonna buy some track suit pants.

Gonna work in a call center, watch porn

while my bogard wife sucks my dick.

I don't give a fuck.

It's fucked, man.

- [Man] Lily.

- Hi.

We're Mark and Gary.

In 2007, someone in your office took out an option

on the screen adaptation of the play,

the Gilded Lilies. - Yeah, now we're over here,

we're opening the New York Festival with arguably

the most important play ever.

- Now, there's still one role to be cast,

the age range is 18 to 85, ethnicity all.

$50,000 for five days work.

You do the math.

- Yeah, we got like 46 minutes, so.

Shall we dance?

(jazzy music)

- Well, cheers.

- Here's to failure.

- [Man] Have some chili, I want a little chili there.

- No.

- [Man] I want just a handful.

- We're trying to toast, mate.

- [Man] I thought you were supposed to be friendly.

- Fuck. - Thanks, thanks.

(phone ringing)

Oh, yeah, this is McBebee.

Where?

Are you nuts or what?

You know what?

Do me a favor, send it to my agent.

I mean, that's great.

Send it to my agent, all right?

I said send it to my agent.

Don't you speak English, you moron?

OK, bye.

- Sorry, are you Neville McBebee?

- Yeah, that's me.

(laughing)

What's so funny?

Is there something wrong with you guys?

- I'm Mark. - Yeah, I'm Gary.

- I'm McBebee, but I don't get it.

- We're probably like your biggest fans.

- Yeah, we've seen like everything you've done.

- Your work in Who's the Boss, that was amazing.

It made me cry. - You want to know something?

Tony Danza was the most incredible guy to work for.

- Yeah, I bet he was.

- That was fabulous.

- Hey, like, this is total long shot, but are you

free next week?

Are you free? - I might be, why?

What have you got up your sleeve?

- Well, we're writers, we're from Australia.

- We've got a new play that's opening the

New York Festival, we've got about four minutes

to find a lead actor or else we're gonna be

shipped back to Australia. - With the bill for

the festival's losses. - OK, and what do you

want me to do, then?

- Have a read.

Do you want to look at the script?

- Say what? - Can you have a look

at the script? - Yeah, sure,

let me look at it.

- Yeah, but like you only have to do the opening

and closing monologue. - But it's not like

an audition or anything, I mean, you're Neville McBebee,

your work in Cheers and Family Ties is just--

- I cried in that, too, by the way.

- When Virtue left you in Days of Our Lives.

- Yeah, what do you want me to read?

- Page 96. - OK.

You want to give me a little synopsis on this?

- So, like, your boyfriend's been hit by a car,

he's in hospital, he's probably gonna die,

the family won't let you see him,

and the speech there, it's to the father.

So just from.

- OK.

He might not last the night, and you guys got me

waiting outside like a dog.

I get it, you guys don't want me here.

But he's the most important person in my life.

I felt that the moment I met him.

When the Tigers won, I thought he was gonna

punch me in the face.

But instead he looked at me with the most beautiful

softness in his eyes, offered me a beer,

and shook my hand.

Neither one of us choose to be this,

but we did choose each other.

You can't keep me away.

I have to see him, please.

- That was mind blowing.

That was amazing.

- So, when do you want to start now?

- Really? - Yeah, really.

You know what, I can't rehearse because I got

a guest role on Big Bang Theory.

- That's OK, that was awesome.

- You know what, we'll make it work.

- Can I just ask, why?

- Why, because when I was a kid, just like

you guys, I come from Queens, I had a big dream,

and you guys remind me of that.

Plus I'll get some props playing a fruitcake.

(dramatic music)

- Friend requested Beth Bernstein.

- Oh yeah?

Did she accept? - She has six kids

and about 60 extra pounds. - Oh.

I told Tiff. - About the warts?

How? - Text.

Neville fucking McBebee. - Killing it.

- The Bebenator.

- You're right, you know. - About what?

- Rocky.

It is a love story.

(applause)

Here we go, eh?

(dramatic music)

- [Narrator] So Billy and Me went on to win many awards,

with Neville McBebeee scooping the Tony.

Gilded Lilies finally got picked up.

It was sure to be a hit.

Deb and Alan got married and opened

their own interpretive dance studio.

They also taught salsa.

The Suck franchise ventured into new territory,

with the first ever man on man vampire love story.

In the end, Jack thanked the boys for accidentally

outing him on Twitter, making him out and proud.

Mark and Gary won the Nobel Prize,

which allowed them to fulfill a lifelong dream,

to eat tacos with Obama.

(melancholy music)