All language subtitles for Single.Parents.S01E14.WEBRip.x264-ION10

-All right, now, get in the car.
-Can we check your oil?

I get pulled into
the principal's office,

and now
you want a reward?

The car will be
going to the dealer

to get the oil changed.

But that's
how they get you!

And their coffee
stinks.

Oh, ho, Douglas.
Looking sharp.

What are you doing here
so early?

Apparently
the girls were doing

some unsanctioned renovation
on the gym.

Again.

So I got pulled
out of a work function.

I understand.

Well, if they supplied
their own lumber,

you should probably
be thanking me.

Right now?

Fine.

Did I miss the shrimp guy?

I don't care
who I'm talking to.

The shrimp guy comes around,
you tell me.

A shrimp guy?
Yep.

What kind of party
was this?

The National Dermatology
Awards.

Tomorrow night,
I'm getting a Dermy.

Wow!
Congratulations!

You know what? I'm more excited
about the speech.

But I can't even
work on it

because I'm dealing
with this kid nonsense.

And now the principal

wants me to sit down
with the school psychologist.

Dr. Rhonda.
Oh, I love her.

Best kitten posters
in the biz.

Yeah, I'm not doing it. It goes
against everything I believe in.

My parenting philosophy
is simple.

If the car is running,
never pop the hood.

Uh, you got to pop the hood
once in a while.

And nobody does it better
than Dr. Rhonda.

I value our weekly
one-on-one sessions
more than anything.

You see her every week?Oh, sure.

Afraid that's the limit.

Look, I know you're skeptical,
but if you see Dr. Rhonda,

I promise she will
make your life easier.

Douglas, are your girls
working on my car?

No!
I said no oil change!

You just said yourcar.

Next time,
be more specific.

I'm mad at them,
but I'm very excited for you.

You're gonna be very happy
with their work.

Hm.

--Captions by VITAC--

So I said, "You're gonna
have to give me a reason

to order
more of this Riesling."

-Oh!
-Oh! I get it.

And then I woke up,
so...

Girl, you got to say up front
if the story is a dream.

Seriously.

I would walk away right now
if I weren't stuck

waiting for Graham
and his new friend, Alex.

He's been talking about him
non-stop.

Sounds like this Alex is
a pretty big "get" for Graham.

Alex?

Eye roll.

Damn, dude.
You sound jealous.

I'm not. Trust me.

Graham will be done
with Alex

just in time for
my spring sweater unveiling.

Oh, well,
I really hope so,

because Alex's mom, Nora,
doesn't do drop-off playdates,

so that means
I'm forced to hang out

with a total stranger
for hours.

"Mom Playdates"
are torture.
Ugh.

Hearing their
parenting philosophies,

you telling them
your life story,

all the fake laughing.

"Okay. Okay."

It's notokay.

It is all of the worst parts
of a first date

with none of the alcohol.Yes.

God, I am so lucky
that I met you when I did.

Cheerios, Angie.
Next time, Cheerios.

Cheerios don't melt.

Crap.

Got you covered.

Keep it.

The whole pack?

Yeah.

That's, like,
the nicest thing

that anyone's
ever done for me.

Well, you look like
you're having a day.

You want
to talk about it?

This is Graham.

This is Rory.

Graham and I got
more than wipes that day.

We got best friends.

And a three-hour
therapy session

on my romantic
blind spots.

I remember that.Miggy: Man.
I never go to the park.

Too much grass.

Should I be getting out there
and finding Jack a best friend?

No, no, no. Dad playdates
don't work like that.

Men are not looking
for a connection.

Two dads will just sit there
in silence,

on their phones,
the entire time.

Maybethey'll start things off
with some mild sports talk.

Yeah, like, uh,
"Yo, you see that game? Crazy."

"Crazy game."

It wascrazy.

Hey, Mom.
This is Alex and his mom.

Hi.

Nora.

Looking forward
to the playdate later.

That kid
is tiny as hell.

How old is he?

I'm this many.

Whoa.
Yo, that's four fingers.

Graham's friend is 4.

Mm-hmm.
A real big get.

Douglas: Dr. Rhonda.

I was referred to you
by Will Cooper.

Now, let's never
speak of him again.

He's not here, is he?

What?
He's very nice.

It's just, as a parent,

he can be...very present.

You think?

So, Dr. Fogerty,
before I share my findings,

I'd like to hear from you
about your daughters.

Okay, well,
they're, uh, short and blond.

Uh, one of them has a thing
under her eye.

Not what they look like.

Tell me about them
as individuals.

Hard to say, you know?

They always
do everything together.

They're, uh,
always on the same page.

They never fight.

Not to brag,

but I've successfully
fused them into one child --

a child who spends
all of her time

in the shed out back.

And...what goes on
in this shed?

It --
It's their private space,

and I've always made it a point
not to go back there.

It's none of my business.

If I had to guess,
I would say, mm --

I don't know --
auto-body projects, cabinetry,

maybe a mechanical bull.

Uh, peanut shells
all over the floor.

You know?

These are all just guesses

that are based on
the, uh, sounds

I -- I hear
coming from the shed.

You know, kids, right?

While I'm tempted
to dig into that,

uh, I do want
to share my findings.

You see, Dr. Fogerty,
in my business,

nothing is as exciting
as testing twins.

Really?

I'm not gonna lie,
I'm flying right now.

Your girls, while identical,
are very different.

I ran some tests,

and while Amy is
right on grade level,

Emma presents
as mathematically gifted.

She's acting out
because she's bored.

Okay. So my daughter's
a genius. Have we solved it?

No. Being a parent
to a gifted child
is a full-time job.

Terrific.

It's him.
I'm not here.

I'm just gonna let it
go to voicemail.

So, I guess I know now

why you don't do
drop-off playdates.

Yeah. He doesn't really go
to the bathroom by himself yet.

Graham, I have to ask --
how did you two meet?

Well,
it happened last week.

You were late
picking me up again.

We bonded immediately.

We had plenty of time,
because, again,

you were so late
picking me up.

Okay, we got it.
Why don't you go play?

So...

...where are you from?

I'm gonna stop you
right there.

We don't need to be friends just
'cause our kids are friends.

We don't?

Absolutely not.

I brought a ton of work,

and I've got my own drinks,
my own snacks,

everything ready to go,
so...

In fact, if you need anything,
I'd prefer you just text me.

So you're suggesting
that we do

our own completely separate
thing in the same space,

like one of those combo
Pizza Hut/Taco Bells?

Wow.
I think I love you.

Just...
Oh, yeah.

Oh, I will.
Yeah.

Douglas, as the father
of a gifted child,

please allow me
to welcome you to the club.

I don't want to be
part of this club.

Look, before you got involved,
I had onekid.

And now, thanks to you,
I have two.

Plus, Dr. Rhonda wants me
to drive to Sylmar next weekend

for something called
Fraction Fest.

Hey, Soph, get this --
turns out Emma's a math genius.

They're going
to Frac Fest, too!

Emma?
She dips her chips in milk.

How did, uh, Amy take it?

It's none of my business,

but I would like to think
that they're handling it well.

I guess you're not
an air hockey genius, either.

What'd you just say
to me?

Girls,
I'm on the phone.

Emma said I'm dumb.

You're not dumb,

but God doesn't give
with both hands.

Know what I mean?

No.

But I don't like it.

You just worry
about being pretty,

'kay, hot stuff?

Uh, hey,
c-come on now.

You're supposed to be
a team, remember?

You got to figure this out
on your own.

The old man's right.

There's only one way
out of this.

Good. Now they're fighting.
They never fight.

Tony, get in there.

See, Will?

This is what happens
when you pop the hood.

Well, I'm sure you want
to roll up your sleeves

and get your hands greasy,
so I'll leave you to it.

Oh, no. Wrong.
You're part of this now.

I have the Dermys tomorrow,

so clear your schedule
and then --

Oh. Oh, God.
I got to go.

Y-Yeah.
Yeah, Tony's on the ground.

They -- They got Tony.How you like that,
old man?!

Cover your face, Tony!

J-Just roll into a ball,
like an armadillo.

Angie. Hey.
Hey.

Don't run off without giving me
those playdate deets.

So, how bad was it?

Is your face sore
from all the fake smiling?

Dude, it was actually
kind of great.

It turns out
Nora's a dad-mom.

We barely even talked.

I got so much done.

I made a dentist appointment,
I paid parking tickets,

I finally got around to that
"what color is the dress" thing.

We're hanging out again
today.

Oh. Well, what about
our Wednesday hang?

Oh, my God.

I knew
I was forgetting something.

I'm so sorry.
Can we reschedule?

Reschedule
our standing Wednesday hang?

I got offered tickets to
"The Bachelor: Women Tell All"

but didn't go
because...it was a Wednesday.

This Nora
must be something else.

Well,
don't be jealous of Nora.

She's just a refreshing
change of pace.

Refreshing?

Well, yeah.
I mean, come on, Poppy.

You know that hanging out
with you can be...a lot.

Oh. Okay, well,
I see how it is.

Tell me
how you reallyfeel.

Sometimes we go deep,
you know,

and it can be exhausting

talking about my fears
and desires and my childhood,

and sometimes
I don't want to think about

if my parents
loved each other.

I just want to chill.

Oh.

Well, I hope you have fun
being chill

and cleaning out
your inbox

with that toddler
and his rando mom.

And the dress is blue.

Good news.

The conflict resolution
you ordered has arrived.

I hope you're right,

because Amy
has just put Emma

up for sale
on Craigslist.

Lucky for you, I attended
Dr. Rhonda's three-day seminar

on sibling rivalry,

and you don't go
to a convention like that

and not take notes.

Am I right?

You went to
a sibling rivalry convention?

You only got one kid.

Well, we're thinking about
getting a dog.

My dad's read, like,
every parenting book there is.

Wrote a few, too.

Still unpublished.

We don't...need
to advertise that.

I'm just happy I finally
get to use all that info

that's been rattling
around in my brain.

And then
Amy will be all better

once I sprinkle a little
Dr. Rhon-dust on them.

O-Okay, listen. I don't have to
know how the sausage is made.

Just make them one kid
again.
Mm-hmm.

Now, I'm on my way
to the Dermys,

where I will be
roasting my peers

until a string quartet
cuts me off.

When I get back,
I want this fixed.

We are now
in a trustful space.

We listen to each other.
We don't talk over each other.

We're communicating
without words,

which is what humans used to do
before we invented language.

Okay?

Now,
don't break eye contact,

but think about
the closeness

you shared
inside the womb.

I should've eaten you
when I had the chance!

Iwould've eaten you!

Ladies, ladies!

Okay, okay.

Oh, boy.

Will: And even though

I'm three minutes
older than you,

I value you
as a sister and a peer.

Sophie: Thank you!

And now, allow me to complete
the compliment circle.

Aww!
Aww!

This is what you guys were
making for half an hour?

I hate this.

I hate this
more than youdo.

You know, you guys aren't even
really giving it a chance.

Shut up.
Shut up.

Putting them
in the same shirt?

This feels like
a reach.

I'm riffing, okay?

But look, at least
they're talking to each other.

Get away from me,
Average!

That's it!

I want a divorce!

You can't make it out there
without me.

I'm the brains.

What's important is
they did that together.

Yeah.

So, according to Angie,
hanging out with me

is like being on an elliptical
with no headphones.

Ah, the elliptical.

I like to call that one
"The Double Slot Machine."

Cha-ching, cha-ching,
cha-ching, cha-ching,
cha-ching, cha-ching!

Miggy,
do you think I'm a lot?

What? No. No way.
You're, like --

Ooh, wait.
In what context?

Because in terms of talking
with you and being with you,

you're kind of a lot.

You are wayoff.
I am chill as hell.

I have a membership
to a botanical garden.

Oh, that ischill.

Exactly.

In fact, I'm gonna stop by
Angie's playdate

to show her
just how chill I can be.

Rory, you stay here.

What? Why should
I have to miss the drama

andbe stuck here
with Miggy?

Dude, you can come with me
to the park,

and we can cruise
for friends for Jack.

There's a father and son
out there

about to get wiped,
and they don't even know!

That's gonna end
in disaster.

So you know I'm in.

You okay, Dad?

Yeah.
I just feel depleted.

Did you take your B12?

Of course.

You know, I know it might
feel like we're not helping,

but I think we are.

I don't hear
any fighting.

Amy: You guys
are still here?

We're done.

Emma left.

Man, it was ugly.

But in the end,
I got the shed.

What did sheget?

Wait,
where did Emma go?

Man:
Whoa! Watch out!

On your left!

Representative.

Rep-- Representative.

Hey, Nora? Did you unplug
my coffee maker?

Yeah,
my laptop was at 15%,

and you're kinda hogging
all the outlets.

Representative.

Are those myslippers?

Oh, yeah. My feet
were really cold, so...

And who's that guy?

Oh. That's Lenny,
my accountant.

Oh, hi. Yes.

I would like
to redeem my miles.

I'll get it.

I'm sure it's for you.

Hello, Angela. What's good?
I don't even care.

Thank God you're here.

This playdate just took
a really weird turn,

and I need
to talk about it.

Oh, sorry. I'm not here
to get into anything.

I just came over to quietly
pay some bills at your table.

Okay, w-what is this?

You're not still mad at me,
are you?

No. No.

I'm just having
a dream Wednesday,

living my best life.

Okay, you're speaking
like an Instagram caption,

which is usually
a pretty clear sign
that you're mad.

Can we talk about this?

Sorry.
Not really into talking.

How can everyone afford
noise-canceling headphones?

"Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,

and thank you
for this award.

It took
a lot of hard work.

And now I would like
to take this moment

to recognize the people
who did nothelp me,

alphabetically.

Amy Adams, Paul Anka" --

There's a child
scootering up the middle aisle!

She plowed right through
the gift-bag table!

There's moisturizer
everywhere!

Oh, no. That sounds like
one of my mine.

Ooh! Man.

Pico was jammed.

Emma,
I'm about to go on stage.

How did you even
get here?
My hog.

But I told you to only scooter
within a five-mile radius,

and you drove
to Beverly Hills?

Who cares?

Amy hates me.

A-All right, look.
Talk to me.

Tony,
this is a good chance

for you to hit my shoulders
with the roller.

Amy said
she wants a divorce.

Look, she's just
being dramatic.

All right, this is what I'm
gonna do. We're gonna go home.

We're gonna work all of this out
after my speech.

And the cocktail hour.

And the after party.

I promised Tony
I'd be his wingman.

Dad, she's never been
this mad at me before.

I'm scared.

You know, I don't think
she's mad at you.

I think that she's probably
just...jealous.

You're right.
This is all my fault.

I wish I wasn't smart.

Come here.

I want you to hear me.

This is not your fault.

Okay?

Tony, I need you
to step in for me here.

I want these
word-for-word,

and keep your politics
out of it.

Come on, Emma.

Emma is writing you
a formal apology

on the family letterhead

for taking her scooter
to Beverly Hills

without telling you.

However inappropriate,
she did make amazing time.

100 Dr. Rhonda seminars
would not have prepared me

for the things
I've seen today.

I came in here thinking
I was a parenting expert,

and your children
have humbled me.

I let you down, bud.
I failed you. I'm sorry.

Ah, stop
beating yourself up.

I gave you
an impossible task.

I wanted them
to be one kid

so I wouldn't feel like
I was outnumbered.

But they've always been
two kids.

I'm the parent
of two kids.

You doknow
where Amy is, right?

She moved herself
out to the shed.

Asked us
to forward her mail.

Well...

I've been running from this
for a very long time.

But I always knew
this day would come.

Will:
You got this, big guy.

It's gonna go great.

Oh, great. What is
your Wi-Fi password, Angela?

Poppy, come on,
all right?

You need to help me.

T-This woman, I-I don't think
she's ever gonna leave.

She put up a corkboard,
and I just overheard her

ordering waytoo much
Indian food.

Sounds really bad,

but I'm not here
to get personally involved.

I'm just trying to give you
that chill dad-mom energy

that you want
from a friend.

I don't want to be
a lot.

Look, Poppy, I'm sorry
that I offended you.

But you know
that you being a lot

is one of the best things
about you.

The day that we met in the park
and you gave me the wipes,

it changed my life.

I love that we go deep,

and I love
that you know me so well.

And I know youso well.

I know you so well,

I know you're not listening
to music in those headphones.

Okay. Fine.

I'm not.

They're not even
plugged in to anything.I know!

I know I'm overreacting.
I get jealous sometimes.

Truth is, I love being
your only mom friend.

And you have nothing
to worry about.

You know, I really
don't like...people.

I know.

Now,
will you please help me

get this woman
out of here?

Mm.
She's gone through
all the generic hummus,

and now she's about
to hit the good stuff
in the back of the fridge.

Got you covered.

I'm going in,
Okay.

and I'm gonna go...

deep.

Yeah, I just need to speak
to whoever's above you.

I don't care if it's
the president of the airline,

so, okay?

Okay, can we talk about
what's going on here?

What's going on is that
I've been on hold for an hour,

so I can't
hang up the phone.

I see everything
you're going through right now.

You need
to redeem these miles

because the walls are
closing in on you at home
with the 4-year-old

and you'll go anywhere.

In fact, you'll even set up shop
at a stranger's house

because it doesn't matter
where you go,

as long as you get
that escape.

Ricky said he would help
with childcare,

but where is he,
you know?

He's just out

seeing improv shows
every single night of the week.

Come on now, Ricky!

You just gonna make this woman
a prisoner in her own home

for some improv?!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I don't really get to talk
about this stuff normally, so...

I'm here at the Winebrary,
in case you ever need me.

But right now, you have to
get up out this woman's house,

take yourself home,
and hear about some improv.

Alex, time to go,
buddy.

Sorry for taking over.

You set up
a wonderful workspace.

Oh.

Thank you?

Look what
the cat dragged in.

Wow.

This place
has running water, huh?

AndA.C.?

Relax.
It's all permitted.

Listen, I know
it doesn't always seem like

I want to talk about
what's going on with you,

but, uh, right now,
I'm gonna do it anyway.

Your sister
is really upset.

She'supset?
What about me?

I knew we would have to do
different things sometimes.

I just didn't think
Emma would be special

and Iwouldn't.

Oh, I know how you feel.

My sisters Donna and Lenore,
may they rest in peace,

were synchronized-skating
stars.

Everyone in the family
fawned over them,

and no one cared
about my drawings.

Bowl of fruit
after bowl of fruit ignored.

You used to draw?

Oh, all the time.

Most dermatologists
are failed architects.

Nobody knows that,
but it's true.

I drew all thiscrap.

You dr--

Amy, these --
these are exceptional!

Schools don't test
for this.

D-Do you realize
that every project

that you and your sister
ever made

started
with yourimagination?

That's right.

Hey, there it is --
the air hockey table.

Last thing we made together
before the split.

When we're building things,
it's like nothing else matters.

But she's a genius now,

and I'm just a ding dong
with the same face.

No.
No, you're not.

Listen to me.

You and your sister
are special

in two
totally different ways,

and you make a great team
together.

And I'm gonna
remind you of that.

Hey!
You got to sign that out!

So? How'd it go?

Great.

Dad!
What are you doing?!

What? I can't hear you!

Oh, no!
What are we gonna do?

I guess I'll just
have to call the handyman.

He's all thumbs
and butt crack.

Oh, then,
what are we gonna do?

You get the clamps.

You get the nuts.

And the Dermy
for Father of the Year

goes to
Douglas Fogerty.

Shut up, Will.
Sit down.

You're about to see
two geniuses at work.

I just don't get it.
Emma's a math genius?

Last week, I caught you
licking a brick.

Don't knock it
till you try it.

Professor Sidney Raines.

Lionel Richie.

Rustic Canyon
Golf Course --

your greens
just play too fast.

What is this list,
again?

His enemies.

It's all over the map.

What did the Budweiser horses
ever do to him?

I knew you'd be back.

Right on time
for spring sweater season.

Ooh!
What's trending?

One word -- alpaca.

Kids, this is supposed to be
about meright now, all right?

It's not too late
to add some names to the list.

All right, everybody.
Let's listen up.
Here come the S's.

Sam's Club.

Santa Monica Boulevard,

but only between
9:00 A.M. and 11:00 A.M.

Siegfried and notRoy.

Roy, you are a peach.