All language subtitles for Single.Parents.S01E02.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Okay, here's the grid
for the week.

Thursday, Rory's performing
at an old-folks home.

They don't ask,
but he keeps going.

Can anyone pick up?

Yeah, I'll get him

after Graham's
allergy appointment.

Did you know you could be
allergic to birds?

Like, all of them?

So, I really wanted to
get a smoothie tomorrow

sometime after 4:00,

if anyone could
hold Jack then?

Yeah, I might not
understand the grid.

Mm.

Douglas,
you have the kids

for Saturday night
sleepover.

And no wriggling
out of it.

We're sick of
your stupid work excuses.

I'm a doctor. If I don't
pick up my phone, people die.

You're a dermatologist.

If you don't
pick up your phone,

people go to the store
and buy a cream.

Look, Saturday night
sleepover's a lot,

but you can hack it.

I spend every Saturday night
the same way --

I have two glasses of Scotch
and I sit in my sauna

until I'm lightheaded enough
to pass out.

Now, if you want five kids
to watch me do that

and then they could
politely put themselves to bed,

be my guest.

-Yeah, thank you.
-Great.

What's up, Grid Squad?

I see I'm on the board
for Tuesday.

I will not let you down.

Relax,
it's a babysitting grid,

not Band of Brothers.

Okay, sure,
but can I just say how much fun

I've had with all of you
since I got on this thing.

So many great
one-on-one hangs.

I mean, Miggy,
epic game of basketball

with my laundry hamper.

Yeah. I broke your hamper
like Shaq. Unh!

So worth it.

Poppy here is teaching me
about sex crystals.

I will say I have one
on my body right now.

Won't say where, 'cause
it's incredibly uncomfortable.

That means it's working.

But, Douglas,
you and I have yet

to have
our one-on-one hang time.

Yeah, well, see,
the grid isn't about friendship.

It's business.

It's a little bit
about friendship.

Dude, Douglas
doesn't want friends.

I mean, look at him.
He's old as hell.

-Mm-hmm.
-Why do I know you?

All right,
how about this --

you and I go find
a steakhouse right now,

share our first prime rib.

Rare. No sides.

-Look at me, Lance.
-It's Will.

It's 8:30 in the morning,
all right?

I'm not sharing a steak
with you.

Yeah, you're right.
Silly idea.

But...what if it
were bagels?

Nothing like a good
pumpernickel. (chuckles)

Yeah, no, you're right,
it's a bad idea.

Forget about it.

**

WILL: Okay, we are almost packed
for the sleepover.

I've got
your sleeping bag, PJs,

and some conversation starters,
in case there's a lull.

"Pixar,"

"ice-cream toppings,"

"Anne Hathaway --
is it time for a comeback?"

Dad, I don't need these.

I'm hanging
with my friends.

You're right.
Soph, I'm so proud of you.

A couple weeks in,
you've already found your crew.

You okay
without me tonight?

Are you kidding? I got
a ton of irons in the fire.

Bowling alley,
bars, horse track.

You're just naming places.
Correct.

I don't know, I was kind of
itching for a guys' night.

I haven't had one
in such a long time.

Douglas'll come around.

Right?! I mean,
we're dudes with daughters.

We should be friends.

I just can't
find my way in there.

He's like this 7-foot-tall
emotional fortress

with no handholds or footholds
for me to climb.

I just gotta wait
for my window to open and...

Hold...
the flippin'... phone.

Oh, no.
What's happening?

The sleepover...
is...my window.

Dad, why are you
talking like that?

Think about it, Soph.
He's alone.

He's confined.
He needs help with the kids.

Look at us,
putting our heads together!

I don't want my name on this!

I can't believe I have to work
on a sleepover night.

I swear running your
own business is like
having another child.

Yeah, well, at least
your wine bar

doesn't sit on the toilet
while you take a shower.

Well, I hope one of us
is getting some tonight.

You still
seeing that guy from work?

Uh, Owen?

Yeah. He's great.

We work
really well together.

**

Oh, don't forget we're singing
"Happy Birthday" to Adam

in like 10 minutes.
Oh, I didn't sign the card.

I signed it for you.
Aww.

Too bad
it can't go anywhere,

because our dates
only ever last 90 minutes

and then Graham calls,
all homesick,

needing me to pick him up.

That's just enough time
for sex on the couch

and one episode of that
true-crime doc, Slick Patio.

Oh, my God,
I'm only three episodes in,

but I'm telling you,
that slow son did it.

No kidding.
Wait, only sex on the couch?

Yeah. We've never made it
to the bed.

But the bed
is where it all happens.

The kissing, the cuddling,
the explaining your weird scars.

(door closes,
footsteps approaching)
Yeah, well,
I would be doing all that

if my kid
were sleepover ready.

So, this is
all about Graham?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

(sighs)

Oh, hey, Angie!

Yo, Poppy,
I need to borrow your blender.

Gonna puree this boy
some bananas.

Oh, that reminds me --
I also need bananas.

Oh, and I'm sorry, um,
but I'm gonna be late again

with rent this month.

But I'll getcha back soon.
I promise.

Poppy,
has he ever paid rent?

I mean,
he'll pay eventually.

It's Miggy, you know.
He's a work in progress.

Remember
how we found him?

(Jack crying)
Pull-ups? Pre-fold?

Pockets? Cloth?

What are you?!

Ugh.

He ended up buying pull-ups
for himself that day.

Yeah, and he's
taking care of the baby

so Jack's mom
can go to college.

So, I want to help him.
And he's doing great.

Made a list
of potential careers.

Hmm. Sounds promising.
Have you seen it?

He's got it
all under control.

Aah! Oh, damn.

(Jack cries)
Oh, I know. I know.

I got it, though.
I got it. Here.

I'd ask to see that list.
Yeah.

(shredder whirring)

Um, this is what
we're doing tonight?

Dad says the trick is
making the pieces small enough

that he can't
get in trouble.

Hey, that Jet Ski
was a business expense.

My conscience is clean.

Your attention, please!

This evening, I brought
six costume changes

to be unveiled every hour,
on the hour.

I hope you all
enjoy the journey.

(doorbell rings)

Anything that says "Vegas"
goes in there.

Oh, good.
Another child.

How's it going, man?

Oh, fine.

Besides a couple kids
who are too good

for document shredding.

Okay, hurry up. We're doing
my credit cards next.

Well, seems like
you got it all under control.

For now.

But...in an hour,

storm's a-comin'.

Anyway, good luck.
W-W-Wait a minute.

What do you mean "storm"?

You know,
the sleepover storm.

Kids stoned on sugar.

One of them
pees in your cacti.

Melted chocolate
in places you least expect it.

Hmm. I suppose
it's illegal to drug 'em.

You got this, man.

Unless...
you want me to jump in...

Yes! I mean, can you?
Are you available?

Do you, uh, take checks?

Let's see.
I was gonna do...

Yes, I'm clear!

Okay, good. I'm gonna go
tie one on, all right?

Make sure
they finish the shredding.

The window is opening,
and I'm climbing in.

Dad, don't dance,
don't dance, don't --

No.

WILL: All right,
circle up, dudes.

Important sleepover business.

Miss this,
you'll be behind all night.

If he's got a guitar,
I'm out of here.

Ha-ha! Joke's on you.
Guitar's in the car,

but I don't want to
hang out with you at all.

'Cause I'm gonna be chillin'
with my boy Douglas.

Dad! Dad! Dad!

He just wants you
to watch us for him.

He doesn't want to hang.

Yeah, but he will
once I get us

on the friendship train,
okay?

So, you guys
just hold down the fort

and, I don't know, be cool.

Anyway, you don't need
constant supervision.

(whirring)
I'm sorry, what is that?

Emma and I are Shawshanking
our way to the neighbors'.

I'm gonna pretend
I didn't see that.

Have fun.

Looking good!
(chuckles)

Whoa!
What's in that thing?

Just a photo of my mom...

her scarf...
(sniffs)

her lotion,
her gym shirt, and this!

It projects stars
onto the ceiling

to help me sleep.

Not that I ever sleep
at these things.

I always get scared
and call my mom.

Like a real loser.

Look at me.
I say you can do this.

(pounding)

MIGGY: Ahhhh.

So, Miggy,
how's that job list coming?

Maybe we could go over it.

Oh, yeah, sure.
I always have it on me.

So...

Real talk, it's been hard
to find a job

where I can get paid
and have childcare,

but I think
I got some prospects.

See, I've found
that abbreviated jobs

make a lot of money.

So, maybe like
CEO, CFO, UTI.

Those are just titles
and a bladder infection.

Aha. "Inventor,
apple-sauce hype man."

Yeah!
"Patty Jenkins"?

How is Patty Jenkins
a job?

I don't know,
but I love Wonder Woman.

God, Themyscira.
Oh, my God, that armor
was everything.

And those boots!
And Amazonians!

But you said to
focus on what I love.

That's what you did,
right?

And now
you've got this place.

Yeah. I did say that.

But let's try focusing on
options that are...

more achievable.

Great. You got it.
Starting fresh. Okay.

Do not
write down "millionaire."

Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Okay.

There's my guy!
Good news --

kids are out of our hair.
We're set for the night.

Really? You made it sound like
such a gigantic ordeal.

Where there's a will,
there's a way.

My name's Will.
Yeah.

Pretty solid citrus collection
you got there.

Look at this!

Blended man.

Kind of a single-malt guy
myself.

Ah. Kind of imagined you
drinking Shirley Temples.

(laughs)

Hey, I'm just glad
you imagined me.

Yeah. Well, all right,
I think it's about that time.

Flip through
car magazines?

No. For my sauna.

Or that, too.

You're right behind me,
aren't you?

I've never shied away
from a sauna.

Dude,
no patio is that slick.

The gardener pushed her.

OWEN: If a man is living
in a shack behind your house,

he's gonna kill you.
Uh, yeah.

I'm surprised she lasted
as long as she did.

(cellphone rings)

Oh, it's Graham.

(cellphone dings)

Sophie?
What's going on?

Graham has
an announcement to make,

and I fully endorse it.

Here is your son.

GRAHAM: Hello, Mother.

I want you to know
I'm spending the night tonight.

I will not need you
to pick me up.

Uh, honey,
are you sure?

Yes. Just...
know that I love you.

No matter what happens...

I love you.

(cellphone beeps)

Wait, does this mean
we're finally

spending the night
together?

I guess yeah, it does.

(chuckles)
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
Oh.

Come on,
let's get you into PJs!

Okay.

Ooh! You want
my Syracuse T-shirt?

Super comfy.

Oh, also, uh,
I fall asleep to Frasier.

Do you like Frasier?

There's so much
I don't know about you.

I have so many questions.

Poppy, great news!

Graham decided
to sleep over,

so that means that I get to
sleep over, too...

at Owen's!

(chuckles) Fun, huh?!

Yeah.
So, why are you here?

I left him in bed
and drove away

like a crazy person.

You're friends
with a crazy person.

Yeah. Glass of wine?

Lord have mercy!

You have a sauna
in your house,

and you only have
one robe?

Really tells a story.

Yep.

Such a shame.
It is hot.

Hot room.

So, where are you from?

Buffalo.

Any siblings?

Two sisters.

One's a looker,
other's a miss.

I would love
to meet them.

Both dead.

Whoa. Okay.

Uh, favorite movie?

(steam hisses)

(chuckles)

Wow. Okay.

This -- This is fun.

I think I will
take the sweatshirt off.

You'll keep it on.

Okay, Doug,
I'm just gonna say it.

Feels like
you're trying to steam me out.

Why are you so dead set
against being my friend?

Because we have
nothing in common.
(scoffs)

All I wanted was
a Saturday night by myself.

Well,
a thousand pardons!

You don't want to hang out
with me? That's fine.

That's your loss.

You act like
you don't need anybody,

but I know
that's not true.

You're lonely, Doug,
and it's your own fault.

You push people away!
You put up walls!

And yet, somehow,
you're still here.

You know what? I never
should've taken your help.

Hosting a sleepover
is a one-man job.

I couldn't agree more!

And I believe
you have two robes!

Oh, no! My turtle!

I-It's destroyed!

So, there's been
a murder.

But by whom?

We did it.

But we'll never know
when!

Ten minutes ago.

Okay, I give up.

I-I need my turtle!

I-I can't do this
without stars!

I'm calling my mom.

You don't need
your mom.

(sighs)
AMY: We can make it up to you.

Emma and I
can get you stars.

(singing along)
* You love, you learn *

* You cry, you learn *

* You lo-ose, you learn *

* You bleed, you learn *

(song continues)
* You scream, you learn *

What the hell?!

Where are you going?

To get a drink!

I thought you were
watching the kids.

I thought you were
watching the kids!

Oh, this is a disaster.
I'm going back.

I'm going back!

(engine revs)

You gotta be kidding me!

I signaled
with my blinker!

I want your
insurance information!

You can get it
from my attorney!

You don't have
an attorney!

I'll find one!

(metal scrapes)

WILL:
You totally hit me!

Oh, who taught you
how to drive, anyway?

Mr. Murray,
my high school band teacher,

who I'm still
in touch with!

Oh, my God.

They're gone.

Look at me.

I finally have a chance --

There you go --

to spend the night
with Owen,

and here I am,
drinking with you.

Ang, do you know why

I had a bottle of White Zin
on ice tonight?

Mmm! Because
it's the freakin' best.

It's literally the worst wine
in the world,

and you have the palate
of a basic bitch,

and we'll
get to that later.

But no.

It's because
this is what you do.

Every time
you get close to a guy,

you wind up back in this seat,
making excuses.

Wait, really?
Yes.

I don't even carry White Zin.
Every time you do this,

I have to go pick it up
from a gas station.

Oh, my God.
I'm so screwed up.

You're not screwed up.
You're just scared.

Look, what happened
with Graham's dad,

I know,
it was years ago.

But he left,
and that had to have hurt.

(sighs)
Whatever. He's a jerk.

Yeah, but at some point,
you must've cared about him.

Yeah, I don't know,
for some reason I loved him.

Been there.

We've all been with people
who sucked.

But what if I just don't know
how to pick people?

What if my radar's off,

and there's all these
red flags

that everyone else sees
and I just miss?

Well, there's no guarantees.
Owen could suck, too.

But you'll never know
if you don't give him

more than 90 minutes.

I think you like him.

He was gonna make me
blueberry pancakes.

Oh, Ang, that's huge.
Mm-hmm.

You gotta
give him a chance.

You're right.
I'm gonna do it.
Do it.

I'm gonna go
get in that bed.

You're gonna
give me those keys.

I'm gonna
give you those keys, yeah.

I'm gonna get in that bed.
Yep. Do it.

I want a full report.

Yo, Poppy?

Yo, I got it.
I have the perfect job.

I'm gonna be
a celebrity chef.

That's your
realistic job option?

Yeah.
Okay, Miggy, enough.

You're not gonna be
a celebrity chef.
How do you know?

Because you're not
a celebrity...or a chef.

Well, not yet.

But you should see the purees
I put together for Jack.

I mean, they're just
totally out the box.

I'll put a mango in
with a strawberry. Mmm!

A spinach
next to a banana. Unh!

I don't even care!
Okrrrt!

Miggy, none of that
qualifies you

to be a celebrity chef.

Well, but you told me
to dream big.

Look, Miggy, I know I told you
to follow your bliss,

but you need to follow it
to a paycheck.

Rent's due.

Dang.

(Jack fusses)

You know, I feel like you didn't
have my back there, buddy.

(scoffs)

I-I don't get it.
Where would they go?

I knew I should've
micro-chipped Sophie!

Oh, okay.
All right, just relax.

Maybe they went through
the Shawshank tunnel.

I'm going in.

(taps)
Oh, yeah.
They didn't get very far.

Yeah, I re-plaster that
every month.

It keeps 'em busy.

O-Okay, look!
Look. Here's a note.

"We went to the golf course
to find stars."

Okay? Relax.
Everything's fine.

How is everything fine?

They could be on any golf course
in the city!

The golf course
is my backyard.

You live
on a golf course?

No, I get in a car
and I drive to play golf.

Moron.

**

Hey. I, uh...
I didn't go to get mouthwash.

Yeah, I figured.
It's been two hours.

Look, I'm scared, okay?

I -- I never usually get
this far in a relationship.

But that changes tonight,
okay?

I don't really know
what's gonna happen.

I might get scared
and run away again...

but I'm getting
in that bed.

Okay.
Okay.

I'm gonna get under.

She's in.
I'm in.

(both chuckle)

Under the covers.

(both chuckle)

(sighs)

Doing it.
I'm doing it.

(cellphone vibrates)

Oh, my God.

My kid's on a golf course.
I gotta go.

Okay.

You know, for the record,

the golf course is real,
mouthwash fake.

Golf course, real.

Well, for the record,
I really enjoyed

all five seconds of...
whatever it is we just did.

(chuckles)

WILL: This place is huge.
They could be anywhere.

All right, relax.
If they have any taste,

they'll be
on the fourth hole.

This is my fault.

I just -- I wanted
a guys' night, you know?

Back when I worked
at The Weather Channel,

I had my dudes.

And then,
when I started freelancing

to be closer to Sophie,

they all kind of
fell away.

I-I miss it.

Yeah, well,
men need other men.

It's in our DNA
to form clans.

That's why I have
my dermatology crew.

Right, you already have
your friends.

I get it.

I promise
I won't bother you anymore.

But they really don't
understand

the parenting thing,
my crew.

You know,
especially parenting girls.

Right? I mean, that's
a whole different thing.

Oh, boy.
Don't get me started
on bobby pins.

Yeah,
what is with that?

I-I'll always step on 'em,
but when I need one --

They disappear.
Yeah.

They're everywhere and nowhere
at the same time.

Exactly.
Yeah.

It makes zero sense.

Listen, you know,
you were right back there.

The whole thing
about the walls.

No one's ever had the dice
to call me out before.

I'm sorry.

I think
it was a combination

of the dry heat
and the wet jeans.

No, I mean it.

Thank you.

There are the kids.

Oh, they're laying
on their backs.

I think
the coyotes got 'em!

Sophie!
Calm down.

They're looking up
at the stars.

Sophie!
There they are!

Douglas,
what the hell?

Why am I getting texts that
my kid's on a golf course?

I-I-I'm sorry.
I'm bad at this.

No, it's my fault.

I-I told the kids they don't
need adult supervision --

It's both of our faults.

We were
having a guys' night.

(scoffs)
You hug me, and it's over.

I'm not.
Well, let's all
just be grateful that

Douglas lives on a golf course
like a cartoon millionaire.

**

Hi.

God, Rory. You look like
one of the Mandrell Sisters.

Barbara?

Sure.

**

He did it.

You will, too.

* We could ride
to the stars today *

* We could ride
to the stars today *

(click, water spraying)

WILL:
Do you guys hear that?

Oh, my God! Sprinklers!

(all screaming)

RORY: Never again
with this chiffon!

Hey. Guess what.
I'm doing it.

Putting myself out there
with Owen.

You sent him a pancake
and a blueberry emoji?

Intimacy.
I'm doing it!

Yo, Pop,
I made a new list.

Oh, God.

No. There's only
one thing on it.

You want to work for me
at the Winebrary?

Yep.

Huh. I could actually
use the help.

Yeah?

All right.

You can apply online.

Oh! Come on.
Ha-ha! Kidding.

You're hired.

Yeah!
Yeah.

Bye, Dad!
Enjoy your breakfast!

Thank you, Soph.

Early morning steak
not so bad, huh?

Ahh. I can feel my arteries
bracing. I love it!

Mmm. Now, this
is a single malt.

Is that liquor?

On school property?

Tell you what.
Here, take a walk.

Yeah, we're trying
to enjoy a meal here.

I'm so sorry,
Miss Adams.

**

You gonna eat
that last piece?

You want to attack it
from both sides,

Lady and the Tramp style?

No, I'm -- I'm kidding.
You go ahead and take it.

Gosh, I love
seeing you happy.

-- Captions by VITA --