Original subtitles

Does this look like pink to you?

I said pink!

Pink, you bone top!

A thousand pardons, my little carbuncle.

With this attitude, you're gonna be working here for the rest of your life.

Take a gander into the seat next to you...

...if you wanna see what your future looks like.

Come, Penelope.

Let's go someplace where they treat us with respect!

Try the moon, you'll weigh less there.

What the hell happened to my lunchbox?

Mr. Bundy?

I'm Dexter, the temp you ordered.

Well, that can't be.

No, I wanted someone with a 44-inch chest.

- D cup? - Yeah.

That's me.

Have you ever sold shoes before?

Nope.

You?

Nope.

Welcome aboard. Grab a seat.

Sorry I'm late, but there's a line around the block out there.

Those are for tickets for a rock group called Burned Beyond Recognition.

What kind of moron would wait in line all day for a rock group?

I gotta get back in line, Dad. Thanks for the bathroom.

Son, you and Kelly have been waiting in line for three days.

Dad, Burned Beyond Recognition is the coolest band in the world.

Burned Beyond Recognition.

Why can't these rock groups have cool names, like when we were kids?

Groups like 1910 Fruitgum Company.

Yeah, that was back in the '60s, wasn't it?

We learned about that in history.

Yeah, you laugh.

But at least we could have sex without being wrapped in a tire.

I'm sorry to bring up that sex thing, son.

What's so special about this band?

Oh, the lead singer's been known to vomit and urinate on the audience.

Pee-per-view.

Yeah, and if you smile up at Dung, the lead guitarist...

...he'll headbutt you right in your teeth.

There's nothing like someone taking a running start...

...and diving onto you, face first.

Actually, there is.

Wife calls it courting.

Hey, no cutting ahead. I've been here for three days.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Say, you are one beautiful girl.

Right. And the check is in my mouth.

I know the guys backstage would love to meet you.

You have backstage passes?

You have to get me back there.

No problem. Just trade places in line with me, and they're yours.

Well, okay.

Boy, Bud's gonna be so proud of me. Where's your place in line?

You know where the end of the line is? Past that.

Hello, losers.

Me and my sister are way, way, way--

What the hell are you doing back here?

I got us backstage passes.

All I had to do was trade places with some guy.

Kelly, these are bus transfers.

Hey, not only can we get backstage, we have a way to the concert.

You can't be this dumb.

I can be anything I wanna be. It's the '90s.

Never mind.

I wish Mom would hurry up with the food. I'm starving.

But there's no way I'm leaving this line again.

She's probably pulling into the parking lot right now. You can depend on Mom.

Peggy. Peggy. Peggy!

Quick! Turn on the radio.

It's the Rick Dees show. He is in rare form today.

- What's he doing? - Performing a public service.

Humiliating and destroying men on the air.

Hi, I'm Rick Dees and welcome to Berate Your Mate.

Today, ladies, we're gonna have fun by...

...making your husbands sing the world's most insipid love song.

- Of course, that insipid love song is: - "Wind Beneath My Wings"?

"Wind Beneath My Wings."

Too bad it's not "Wind Beneath My Pants." Al would be a shoo-in.

Now, if you can get your husband to sing "Wind Beneath My Wings"...

...on the air, without telling him it's a contest--

What kind of woman would do that to her husband?

--you'll win a $200 gift certificate to Victoria's Secret.

- Yep? - Al, it's me.

- You know what I'd like right now? - A chocolate couch?

Well, yeah, but right now, I want you to sing to me.

Come on, Peg, I'm working here.

- Hook it! Hook it! - Hold it.

Hold it. Hold it.

But, Al, I'm feeling a little lonely...

...and nothing would cheer me up more than hearing you sing:

"Wind Beneath My Wings."

Just a second here, Peg!

God! Get this thing on there.

Dexter, get the tranquilizer gun.

I'm afraid we're gonna have to tag and release this one.

Come on, Al. I really wanna hear "Wind Beneath My Wings."

Well, then jump off the roof, Peg.

Oh, you're hurting my baby toe!

Ma'am, there ain't a damn thing on your body that's baby.

- What's keeping Mom? - Why don't you go look for her?

Leave you here, so I can come back and hear you say:

"Bud, I traded our place in line for these magic beans."

No, you go look for her. I'm gonna stay here and guard our place.

Fine.

Backstage passes. She'd fall for anything.

Hi, there, cutie. Can I cut in line?

Absolutely.

Would you mind if a few of my friends joined us?

Are they as good-looking as you?

I think so.

Let the games begin.

He said okay.

Please, Al.

Yeah, I know you, Peg.

If I start singing, you'll get as horny as the cape of the same name.

Well, sing to me.

Oh, all right.

Help!

She's fallen and I can't get up.

- Gotta go, Peg. - Sing first.

Gotta go, Peg!

Dexter! Are you all right?

I think I'm done for.

Just shoot me.

And tell Laura I love her.

I'll get help. Just to try to find an air pocket in there someplace!

Now, now, Mrs. Bundy, don't give up on him.

I'm gonna give you a second chance to win.

How'd you like dinner for two at the best restaurant in town?

Ed's Tacos and Liquor?

No. We're gonna send you to a place with a roof and tables: Umbertos.

- Umbertos? - Oh, it's great.

Okay, Rick. What do I have to do?

What is it now, Peg?

Al, this is very, very important.

You know my boobs?

Yeah, they're standing in line for concert tickets.

Not those boobs. My chest.

I need you to say over the phone...

...that cute little nickname that you have for them.

What is it, Peg?

Your One Week to a Dead Husband kit come in?

I'm trying to work here!

Clear!

Oh, come on, Al.

You know what you call them. Just say it.

Peg, do you think Mrs. Iacocca calls Lee and says:

"Lee, before you go back into the boardroom...

...what's that cute little nickname you have for my ass?"

Now, look, Al, you just don't understand. This is extreme--

Clear!

Hang in there, Dexter.

Mrs. Bundy, we're gonna give you one last chance.

You'll win a trip to Tahiti and $10,000 in cash...

...if you can get your husband to come home.

- I can do that. - I mean, in the next 60 minutes.

- I can do that. - For a nooner.

Do you have any consolation prizes?

Do you have anything sexy?

No, do you?

It's a good job.

Hello.

It's for you.

Guess who this is.

My brain on drugs?

Al, it's me.

I want you to come home for a nooner.

A nooner?

Yeah.

- Well, sure. What time? - Now!

I'll be right there!

Dexter, mind the store.

But I can't work the register.

Well, do what I do. Pocket it.

I'm getting me some nooner!

- Nooner? - Yeah. Yeah, you know, like lunch.

You want me to bring you back some?

Al, nooner is when you have sex in the middle of the day.

You just agreed to make love to your wife.

Great jumping horny toads!

- I did it. I did it. - Not yet, Mrs. Bundy.

We gotta keep you on the line...

...and see if your husband really does come home before 1:00.

Oh, he'll be here.

And by the way, could you define "sex"?

I mean, it doesn't have to last long or feel good or anything, right?

No, Mrs. Bundy, just as in football, all he has to do is break the plane.

Oh, Marcie, I'm so excited.

I'm gonna have sex and go to Tahiti.

Al's never been there.

I bet he's never been to Tahiti either.

Kelly.

Back here.

Let me guess.

A girl, right?

Look, look.

Sometimes a person's just so sexy that you fall in love...

...and if they want to cut ahead of you, then so be it.

Great. Now I owe Dad 10 bucks.

Shut up, okay?

If we can manage to stay right here, we're still gonna get our tickets.

The box office for Burned Beyond Recognition is now open.

Remember, no line-cutting allowed.

Hey, wait a minute!

I'm starving.

It's obvious Mom's not gonna bring us any food.

And I can't leave you here. You'd give away our place to anything in a skirt.

Well, I'm not leaving you here.

You'd give your skirt away to anyone in the place.

Who are we gonna get to stand in line for us?

Hey, Dad, you're not doing anything.

I'm selling shoes.

Yeah, and we're writing a screenplay.

What's it about?

Come on, Dad. Please?

Oh, all right.

I'm not really selling shoes.

- Thanks. Appreciate it. - Thank you.

- Hey, you want anything? - Yeah, I'd like an egg sal--

Hey, are they selling Wayne Newton tickets too?

Well, at least Wayne never had to pee on his audience to gain their respect.

I don't know, maybe he did. I can't explain his popularity.

Al? Al, what are you doing here?

Paying the price for having kids.

No, you should be home having sex with your wife.

- Why? - Because I heard Peggy on the radio.

If you get home before 1:00 for a nooner...

...you win $10,000 and a trip to Tahiti.

$10,000 and a trip to Tahiti, just for sex with Peg?

Yeah.

Well, this is a toughie.

Yeah, well, it could be worse.

Look at the mountain I gotta climb 12 times a year.

Go. Go.

Hey, Dad, you got a couple of bucks we could--?

He's gone. Our place.

Look, we'll sneak in right behind this guy.

Hey, lemon head.

You just cut right in front of me.

Oh, yeah? You got something to say?

Say it to him.

Don't say it to me. I didn't do--

It's a good life.

Well, Mrs. Bundy, you've got less than a minute left.

Listen, Mr. Dees, Al's home.

Hi, honey.

I may be insipid and smell like rotting flesh...

...but I'm home for sex. Burp.

Let's bump uglies.

- Oh, Al. - Oh, Peg.

Oh, right.

Look, this isn't Oprah, ladies. I'm sorry, your time is up.

But for playing along, you'll get a consolation prize.

This is Rick Dees--

Did we win? Did we win?

I had to stop off at the drugstore and get some marital aids.

I got breath mints for you and Wild Turkey for me.

Let's do it! Are we too late?

- Well, actually-- - Actually, no, we're not.

We still have three minutes left. We could do it six times.

Great. Great, Peg. You go upstairs, I'll put the chicken out.

Al, hurry. We only have two minutes left.

I can't believe it.

The guy ahead of us gets the last ticket, and what do I get?

I spend three days of my life with you.

Three days! Oh, sure, it might be fun for the Navy, but...

Like you had anything better to do...

...than dunk your girlfriend in water to see where the leak was.

Hey, at least she has an excuse for having air in her head.

That is, if I had a rubber girlfriend.

Which I don't.

Not anymore.

I just know if we had gotten in, Dung would have bashed in my teeth.

This is all Dad's fault.

I'm not gonna let him get away with it.

I say we stay home tonight and we make his life miserable.

Where are you guys going?

To the Burned Beyond Recognition concert.

It was our consolation prize from the Rick Dees show.

Wait, Dad's the reason we don't have tickets. We should have them.

Are you kidding?

You don't know what I had to go through to get those tickets.

You don't know where I've been.

And believe me, it wasn't Tahiti.

You guys don't even like BBR.

Well, I don't like S-E-X with M-O-M either.

But it's my J-O-B.

- Let's go, Peg. - Oh, Al, I'm so excited.

- Front-row seats. - Yeah.

Just remember to smile big at the band and show them your teeth.

Honey, you think they'll really notice?

Oh, I hope so, Peg.