Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:51,847
(Horn beeps)
2
00:01:03,463 --> 00:01:05,863
All right. Come back as you are.
3
00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:07,730
That's it, straight back. Come on.
4
00:01:07,767 --> 00:01:10,065
Left hand down a bit.
Left hand down a bit.
5
00:01:10,103 --> 00:01:12,037
That's it, straight down.
6
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,334
Stop! Stop!
7
00:01:14,808 --> 00:01:18,676
You cross-eyed old trout, you stupid mare!
8
00:01:18,711 --> 00:01:20,872
You've gone and broken his bloody light!
9
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:24,111
Why didn't you shout stop,
you geriatric bonehead?!
10
00:01:24,150 --> 00:01:26,448
I did but you're as deaf as a pickled herring!
11
00:01:26,486 --> 00:01:29,649
You couldn't direct rain to the ground,
you blind eunuch!
12
00:01:29,689 --> 00:01:34,058
You're in a right mess now,
this is gonna cost a fortnight's pension!
13
00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:37,723
These things are driven by cavemen,
do you know that?
14
00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:40,392
I expect they'll try and do us
for a twisted chassis.
15
00:01:41,468 --> 00:01:43,868
- Ah, hello, Cyril.
- Hello, ma'am.
16
00:01:43,903 --> 00:01:45,871
- Hello, Lovejoy.
- Hello, Cyril.
17
00:01:45,905 --> 00:01:47,304
Which one's it gonna be, then?
18
00:01:47,340 --> 00:01:50,969
Banker's drafts? Building society checks?
Postal orders?
19
00:01:51,010 --> 00:01:53,001
- Cash.
- Cash?
20
00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:55,640
Thought you were down on your uppers.
21
00:01:55,682 --> 00:01:58,173
Not quite that far, Cyril. Janey.
22
00:01:58,218 --> 00:02:02,655
Er, lot 20.
53, 64 and 111.
23
00:02:02,689 --> 00:02:04,987
- Nobody saw us do it.
- Eh?
24
00:02:05,024 --> 00:02:07,185
Could have been done before we got here.
25
00:02:07,227 --> 00:02:09,525
(Whispers) Get in the car.
26
00:02:09,562 --> 00:02:12,690
Don't you think we ought to leave
our name and address?
27
00:02:12,732 --> 00:02:16,429
I say... Don't you think we ought to leave
our name and address?
28
00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:18,403
You leave your name and address.
29
00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:21,103
What about the valuation?
30
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:24,838
It's been around for 300 years, another couple
of days isn't going to make any difference.
31
00:02:24,878 --> 00:02:27,210
Don't go so fast, you stupid old biddy!
32
00:02:27,247 --> 00:02:28,578
(Horn)
33
00:02:28,615 --> 00:02:31,243
Look what you're making me do,
for God's sake!
34
00:02:31,284 --> 00:02:33,980
We'll drop this off at the stripper's
and see you in the pub, Tink.
35
00:02:34,020 --> 00:02:37,615
- Don't let them charge you more than a fiver!
- No! Up we go, Eric.
36
00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:39,522
Ah, yes!
37
00:02:39,559 --> 00:02:41,322
Oh, no!
38
00:02:41,361 --> 00:02:43,693
- What's the matter?
- That's the matter!
39
00:02:43,730 --> 00:02:46,858
Go and see if anybody's left a note
on the windscreen.
40
00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:49,164
- Nothing.
- Oh, that's typical, isn't it?
41
00:02:49,936 --> 00:02:52,496
Now, this blanket box
has just cost me 20 quid.
42
00:02:52,539 --> 00:02:55,372
Fiver for the strippers,
couple of quid for a new coat of beeswax.
43
00:02:55,408 --> 00:02:57,239
I could knock this out for 80 quid.
44
00:02:57,277 --> 00:02:59,802
Maybe a whole 100 if it wasn't raining.
45
00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:04,283
But no, some inconsiderate skunk has just put
me back about 50 quid for a new light.
46
00:03:04,317 --> 00:03:07,946
Where's honesty, eh? It's out the window.
Where's integrity? Down the pan!
47
00:03:07,987 --> 00:03:10,046
All part of the general malaise
this country's going through.
48
00:03:10,089 --> 00:03:12,683
It doesn't look much
but I bet they've twisted the chassis.
49
00:03:12,725 --> 00:03:17,719
I wouldn't have been aggressive.
Cash would have solved the problem, 100, say.
50
00:03:17,764 --> 00:03:20,665
How do you know it wasn't you?
There was that skip behind you...
51
00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:23,362
Oh, of course! What day is it today?
52
00:03:23,403 --> 00:03:24,392
Tuesday.
53
00:03:24,437 --> 00:03:28,874
Yeah, I always try and land myself with
a 50 quid garage bill on Tuesdays, don't I?
54
00:03:28,908 --> 00:03:33,368
50 quid? You can pick one of those up from
Frankie O'Connor's scrap yard for a tenner.
55
00:03:33,413 --> 00:03:35,881
Good thinking, Eric.
Both brain cells working, are they?
56
00:03:38,251 --> 00:03:41,084
(Barking)
57
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:44,021
That savage mutt'll bite somebody
one of these days, Frankie.
58
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:47,857
- Wants putting down!
- Putting down? Old Franco?
59
00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:51,421
Wouldn't hurt a fly. He only eats raw liver.
60
00:03:51,464 --> 00:03:54,661
I'll give you 180 if it's MOT'd.
61
00:03:56,703 --> 00:03:59,695
No, we're not selling.
Have you got a back light for one of these?
62
00:03:59,739 --> 00:04:02,105
There's a motorway wreck down the bottom
under a green Cortina.
63
00:04:02,141 --> 00:04:04,132
Right.
64
00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:07,811
200 if it's taxed.
You won't get a better offer anywhere.
65
00:04:07,847 --> 00:04:11,715
- Frankie, it's mine and it's not for sale.
- Pity.
66
00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:15,050
What's this I hear about you getting the bum's
rush from Freddy the Phone's old place?
67
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:20,151
Boy oh boy, the old... jungle drums
work quick around here, don't they?
68
00:04:20,193 --> 00:04:22,855
By the way, Barry said to say hello.
69
00:04:22,895 --> 00:04:24,954
- Barry?
- Barry Flynn.
70
00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:28,297
- He's me brother-in-law's cousin.
- Barry Flynn.
71
00:04:28,334 --> 00:04:30,495
- You were banged up with him.
- Yeah.
72
00:04:30,536 --> 00:04:33,972
How is he? Still working odd days
at the building society, is he?
73
00:04:34,007 --> 00:04:36,066
In a manner of speaking.
74
00:04:42,048 --> 00:04:44,915
Never understood people's fascination
with ex-cons.
75
00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:47,545
Everyone who's been inside
wants to forget about it,
76
00:04:47,587 --> 00:04:50,055
rest of the world wants to remind them of it.
77
00:04:50,089 --> 00:04:53,718
Come on, Eric, haven't got all day.
Got a date with a stripper.
78
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:57,093
- Found it all right, then?
- Yeah, we found it all right.
79
00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:59,155
Looking at a tenner there, Eric.
80
00:05:00,433 --> 00:05:03,266
- Here, Lovejoy, you're a tart, aren't you?
- Excuse me?
81
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:06,033
We're antique dealers, Frankie,
you know what they are, don't you?
82
00:05:06,072 --> 00:05:08,632
Yeah, always going round
goosing one another.
83
00:05:11,411 --> 00:05:14,869
You interested in shooters, Lovejoy?
Big shooters?
84
00:05:14,914 --> 00:05:16,438
As in guns?
85
00:05:16,482 --> 00:05:18,416
Certainly wouldn't be as in dried peas.
86
00:05:18,451 --> 00:05:21,852
Frankie? I'm in a scrap heap,
I'm not on it yet.
87
00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:25,619
And no, we don't deal in that type of thing.
Never have, never will.
88
00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:27,216
Strictly taboo.
89
00:05:28,027 --> 00:05:31,758
I always thought you fellas could place anything
if there was a couple of quid in it for you.
90
00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:33,390
Oh, well.
91
00:05:33,433 --> 00:05:36,061
Shows you just how wrong a man can be.
92
00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:40,597
Just a look, maybe.
93
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:47,373
All right, boys?
94
00:05:47,413 --> 00:05:51,713
- Some shooter, eh, Lovejoy?
- Yeah, some shooter, Frankie. Ha!
95
00:05:52,251 --> 00:05:53,240
Well?
96
00:05:53,286 --> 00:05:56,949
- Where did you get it?
- With a pile of scrap from this farmer fella.
97
00:05:56,989 --> 00:06:00,083
- Where did he find it?
- Ploughed it up out of one of his fields.
98
00:06:00,126 --> 00:06:03,687
- Who would that be?
- Cor, there's some meat in it, eh?
99
00:06:03,730 --> 00:06:04,890
Aargh!
100
00:06:04,931 --> 00:06:09,197
I wouldn't mess around with it if I were you,
Eric. It's a big bull job if ever I saw one.
101
00:06:09,235 --> 00:06:11,362
Tipped my scales at over a ton, it did.
102
00:06:11,404 --> 00:06:13,531
Oh, I'm gonna lose this bloody nail now!
103
00:06:13,573 --> 00:06:17,600
- I'm asking 200 quid for it.
- It's scrap iron. What would I do with it?
104
00:06:17,643 --> 00:06:20,703
The bottom's gone right out the cannon market
since the Gulf War.
105
00:06:20,747 --> 00:06:25,912
There's a lot of loose ordnance around
these days. If it was only bronze...
106
00:06:25,952 --> 00:06:27,476
Yeah, if only.
107
00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:29,385
Oh, well. Suit yourself.
108
00:06:29,922 --> 00:06:31,890
I'll give you 150 quid for it, though.
109
00:06:31,924 --> 00:06:33,585
I think it might rain.
110
00:06:34,527 --> 00:06:36,893
I'll whack in another tenner for old Barry's sake.
111
00:06:36,929 --> 00:06:39,261
It looks as if I'm forcing you, I don't want that.
112
00:06:39,298 --> 00:06:40,765
I tell you what we'll do.
113
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:45,134
We'll make it 175 cash and throw in
the blanket chest, that's 195.
114
00:06:45,171 --> 00:06:46,365
Eric...
115
00:06:47,373 --> 00:06:49,739
(Frankie) That's it, Steve, steady now.
116
00:06:49,776 --> 00:06:52,267
Here we go. Coming down.
117
00:06:52,311 --> 00:06:55,542
(Lovejoy) Bring it down now.
(Frankie) Hurry up, Eric, get out of there!
118
00:06:55,581 --> 00:06:57,947
(Eric) I'm all right. Stop, stop.
119
00:06:57,984 --> 00:06:59,611
- Come on, Eric!
- Grab that end.
120
00:06:59,652 --> 00:07:04,112
- Right, there you go. Right.
- Straighten her up now.
121
00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:07,092
- Are you gonna move them tables, Lovejoy?
- No, we'll be all right.
122
00:07:07,126 --> 00:07:11,085
Cos once it's down it's down.
I ain't messing about, Lovejoy.
123
00:07:11,130 --> 00:07:12,529
(Creaking)
124
00:07:12,565 --> 00:07:14,032
Whoa!
125
00:07:14,066 --> 00:07:17,160
Can I sell you a sack of sand
for the front seat, Lovejoy?
126
00:07:17,203 --> 00:07:20,331
Eric'll do nicely. Thank you very much.
127
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:22,229
Get in, Eric!
128
00:07:28,047 --> 00:07:29,480
(Siren wailing)
129
00:07:29,515 --> 00:07:31,506
(Lovejoy groans)
130
00:07:44,997 --> 00:07:49,229
Ah! Officers Alcock and Troon.
Well, we've nothing to declare.
131
00:07:49,268 --> 00:07:51,896
What you see in the back
is an antique piece of scrap iron.
132
00:07:51,938 --> 00:07:54,702
Looks like a gun to me.
Hope you've got a license for it.
133
00:07:54,740 --> 00:07:56,731
Would you get out of the vehicle, please?
134
00:07:56,776 --> 00:07:58,767
Stay where you are, Eric.
135
00:08:04,750 --> 00:08:07,082
Are you familiar with the firearms regulations,
Lovejoy?
136
00:08:07,119 --> 00:08:10,850
Well, I'm sure I'm not as boned up as you are,
but if you want to confiscate it...
137
00:08:10,890 --> 00:08:13,381
feel free, stick it in the boot of your panda.
138
00:08:13,426 --> 00:08:15,326
- What bore is this?
- Pardon?
139
00:08:15,361 --> 00:08:17,022
- Where do you get it from?
- (Eric) Um...
140
00:08:18,898 --> 00:08:21,093
- Frankie O'Connor's.
- Frankie, eh?
141
00:08:21,601 --> 00:08:23,159
You got a receipt for it?
142
00:08:23,202 --> 00:08:25,830
- I'm afraid I haven't.
- But Frankie will confirm it, no doubt.
143
00:08:25,872 --> 00:08:27,305
(Eric) Oh, no doubt about it.
144
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:31,208
Do you realize you're driving
a defective vehicle here?
145
00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:34,577
No... Yeah, well... That's why were going
to Frankie's in the first place, see?
146
00:08:34,614 --> 00:08:36,741
To get a replacement for that.
147
00:08:36,782 --> 00:08:39,376
Well, I've got it in here. Hold on a minute.
148
00:08:40,887 --> 00:08:42,582
What's all this leading to?
149
00:08:42,622 --> 00:08:45,216
Have you got your driving license,
insurance and MOT handy?
150
00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:46,247
No.
151
00:08:46,292 --> 00:08:49,318
How about popping them into the station
within the next couple of days?
152
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:51,523
Think I can manage that.
153
00:08:51,564 --> 00:08:54,124
- I think there might be a number on this.
- (Creaking)
154
00:08:54,166 --> 00:08:56,225
- I've got it!
- (Lovejoy) Eric!
155
00:08:56,269 --> 00:08:57,759
Ah!
156
00:09:01,173 --> 00:09:02,800
Oh, no!
157
00:09:04,176 --> 00:09:06,167
Look.
158
00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:15,914
Ow!
159
00:09:15,955 --> 00:09:18,788
I'm sure I'm gonna lose this nail, you know.
160
00:09:19,592 --> 00:09:22,186
It's not Friday the 13th, is it?
161
00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:25,720
It's gonna be bad luck that thing.
I know it is.
162
00:09:25,765 --> 00:09:27,699
What are you going to do with it?
163
00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:29,724
It's not exactly a paperweight, is it?
164
00:09:29,769 --> 00:09:33,170
You can hardly bring it out
with the after-dinner mints, can you?
165
00:09:33,205 --> 00:09:39,075
Excuse me, but you're the one who upped the
ante by 15 quid and threw in the blanket chest.
166
00:09:39,111 --> 00:09:41,909
It's a crane job. How are you gonna move it?
167
00:09:41,948 --> 00:09:44,178
I am not gonna move it anywhere.
168
00:09:45,217 --> 00:09:47,913
- Arthur, mine host.
- Yeah?
169
00:09:47,954 --> 00:09:51,651
How about if I leave that cannon
in your car park for a couple of days?
170
00:09:51,691 --> 00:09:54,182
It might bring in a few punters, eh?
171
00:09:54,226 --> 00:09:57,559
Well, just for a couple of days. And there's
no comeback if it gets nicked, all right?
172
00:09:57,597 --> 00:10:00,464
Who's going to steal it? It weighs a ton!
173
00:10:00,499 --> 00:10:04,765
Do what? There's some round here
that'd nick the salt out of your crisps!
174
00:10:05,237 --> 00:10:07,398
All right, couple of days. A week at the most.
175
00:10:07,974 --> 00:10:11,102
- Right...
- Stay down the end and get that rope off.
176
00:10:11,143 --> 00:10:14,943
Janey, whatever you do,
do not get out of the cab.
177
00:10:15,648 --> 00:10:17,946
- What are you gonna do?
- Me?
178
00:10:17,984 --> 00:10:21,579
As soon Baden-Powell here
gets these knots undone,
179
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:24,852
I'm gonna pull... you're gonna push.
180
00:10:24,890 --> 00:10:27,791
OK, give it a try now, it should just slip off.
181
00:10:27,827 --> 00:10:31,319
On the count of three, OK? One, two, three!
182
00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:32,991
(All grunting)
183
00:10:34,867 --> 00:10:36,664
It's moving!
184
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:40,265
(Groaning)
185
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,636
Come on, Tink, this is no time
for amateur theatricals.
186
00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:49,238
What's the matter? What's he done?
187
00:10:49,281 --> 00:10:54,776
Oh-ho! I've ruptured...
a hernia the size of a football!
188
00:10:55,855 --> 00:10:57,254
I'm dying!
189
00:10:57,289 --> 00:10:59,621
Shall I call for an ambulance?
190
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:02,059
They'll never be able to stuff it back.
191
00:11:05,631 --> 00:11:08,225
The fog is rising.
192
00:11:08,968 --> 00:11:12,199
So we haven't reached the "Bugger Bognor"
stage yet, eh?
193
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,940
Well, if you don't want an ambulance,
perhaps I should call a priest.
194
00:11:15,975 --> 00:11:17,533
Shut up, Eric.
195
00:11:17,576 --> 00:11:21,444
Now, I'm not gonna hurt you, OK?
Just let me have a feel.
196
00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:24,278
- Ah!
- Tinker, I haven't touch you yet.
197
00:11:24,316 --> 00:11:26,546
OK? Relax, relax.
198
00:11:26,585 --> 00:11:28,519
Now, how does that feel?
199
00:11:28,554 --> 00:11:32,354
L-l-I felt it! I felt it go "twang"!
200
00:11:32,391 --> 00:11:35,485
It was the tearing of flesh and sinew
and muscle, I...
201
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:39,396
I'd recognize it anywhere, Lovejoy.
I was in the army, don't forget.
202
00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:43,801
Your braces. You bust your braces!
203
00:11:45,171 --> 00:11:48,265
My braces! My braces! (Laughing)
204
00:11:48,307 --> 00:11:52,368
Don't park in front of the cellar doors,
you'll block the brewery lorry!
205
00:11:52,411 --> 00:11:54,140
Whatever you say, Arthur!
206
00:11:54,180 --> 00:11:55,613
Is he all right?
207
00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:57,616
(Both yell)
208
00:12:11,664 --> 00:12:13,461
It's best bitter.
209
00:12:13,499 --> 00:12:16,059
A fountain of best bitter!
210
00:12:16,102 --> 00:12:21,472
I am saved!
Salvation gushing from the ground!
211
00:12:23,375 --> 00:12:25,673
Oh, my God!
212
00:12:27,613 --> 00:12:29,547
Lovejoy, you pillock!
213
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:33,245
I will kill you!
You have totally destroyed my cellar!
214
00:12:33,285 --> 00:12:35,378
Do you see what you've done?
Will you stop hitting me?
215
00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:37,651
I am in heaven!
216
00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:38,918
Aagh!
217
00:12:38,958 --> 00:12:41,392
Oh! Pinch me, somebody.
218
00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,657
Will you stop drinking my beer?!
219
00:12:43,696 --> 00:12:47,632
What have you got to say for yourself?
What have you got to say for yourself?
220
00:12:47,666 --> 00:12:49,327
I love this day.
221
00:12:50,369 --> 00:12:53,361
Oh, God, I love this day!
222
00:12:54,907 --> 00:12:57,569
Well, we've all heard about things
falling off the backs of lorries,
223
00:12:57,610 --> 00:13:01,307
but nothing quite as strange as what fell off
the back of Lovejoy's pickup truck
224
00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:04,407
and ended up in the cellar of the Royal Oak
in Kiverton.
225
00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:06,975
Lovejoy here is a local antique dealer.
226
00:13:07,019 --> 00:13:09,214
Can you tell me exactly what happened?
227
00:13:09,255 --> 00:13:12,019
Well, it was an accident.
It's an old cannon and it weighs over a ton.
228
00:13:12,057 --> 00:13:16,653
I got absolutely no idea how much
it's gonna cost or what the damage has been.
229
00:13:16,695 --> 00:13:19,664
Flippin' great thing like that
crashing through into the cellar.
230
00:13:19,698 --> 00:13:23,828
In fact, until we get a full structural report
from the builder, we can't move it,
231
00:13:23,869 --> 00:13:28,203
but if anybody would like to see it,
you're perfectly welcome to pop by the pub.
232
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:31,403
We do bar snacks and good pub grub,
we have a stripper on Saturdays...
233
00:13:31,443 --> 00:13:34,640
Yes, thank you very much.
Lovejoy, where did you find this cannon?
234
00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:35,908
Found it in a scrap yard.
235
00:13:35,948 --> 00:13:38,246
- How much is it worth?
- It's hard to say, really.
236
00:13:38,284 --> 00:13:41,048
A lot less than it was
before it destroyed my cellar...
237
00:13:41,086 --> 00:13:46,080
None of this would ever have happened if
some vandal hadn't backed into my pickup truck
238
00:13:46,125 --> 00:13:48,958
and started this whole chain of disasters!
239
00:13:48,994 --> 00:13:51,292
Alice! Come and have a look at this!
240
00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:53,264
"No one saw us do it, get in the car."
241
00:13:53,299 --> 00:13:54,960
Stupid old...
242
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:58,367
0ne of my partners is losing a fingernail,
the other's had a partial hernia,
243
00:13:58,404 --> 00:14:00,702
the cannon has caused untold damage.
244
00:14:00,739 --> 00:14:05,108
Anyway, as I was saying, if you would like
to see the cannon, the Royal 0ak's the place,
245
00:14:05,144 --> 00:14:09,547
- and we do great pub grub...
- Yes, thank you. Thank you, Arthur.
246
00:14:09,582 --> 00:14:12,016
- What do you plan to do about this, Lovejoy?
- Right.
247
00:14:12,051 --> 00:14:15,418
I intend to track down this vandal,
wherever he or she is,
248
00:14:15,454 --> 00:14:18,218
find witnesses, get forensic evidence...
249
00:14:18,257 --> 00:14:21,693
and sue them for substantial damages,
that's what I intend to do about itl
250
00:14:21,727 --> 00:14:24,127
Did you hear that, you stupid old kipper?
251
00:14:24,163 --> 00:14:27,155
...goes to show that you can't always be sure
of what falls out of the sky.
252
00:14:27,199 --> 00:14:29,861
Where is she? Where are you?!
253
00:14:29,902 --> 00:14:31,267
...Nick Palmer, BBC East...
254
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:36,063
That Lovejoy fella's gonna track us down
and sue us for every penny we've got.
255
00:14:36,108 --> 00:14:39,976
And no doubt the pub as well,
and the fella with the rupture!
256
00:14:40,012 --> 00:14:42,242
That's a truss we've gotta fork out for.
257
00:14:42,281 --> 00:14:44,841
I knew we should have left
our name and address.
258
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:48,650
They've got to find us first. Bring these.
259
00:14:49,488 --> 00:14:53,424
I hear you've been applying Newton's
law of gravity down at the Royal Oak.
260
00:14:53,459 --> 00:14:55,324
Ha ha ha. Very witty.
261
00:14:55,361 --> 00:14:59,798
Any change of address
is supposed to be notified with the DVLC.
262
00:14:59,832 --> 00:15:01,697
Where are you living now?
263
00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:05,727
He rents accommodation from me.
You know my address, just put that down.
264
00:15:06,972 --> 00:15:09,270
If you wish, your ladyship.
265
00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:14,404
I assume Lord Felsham is aware of this, er...
266
00:15:14,446 --> 00:15:16,073
Toyboy?
267
00:15:16,115 --> 00:15:18,640
The word I had in mind
was arrangement, actually.
268
00:15:18,684 --> 00:15:22,814
I shouldn't think so for one moment,
but that's no concern of yours, Constable.
269
00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:24,948
Apart from that, is everything in order?
270
00:15:24,990 --> 00:15:28,084
Well, there is the question of a back tail light.
271
00:15:28,127 --> 00:15:31,790
That'll be repaired. And no doubt
the front headlight will too.
272
00:15:31,830 --> 00:15:33,695
I'll send you the bill here, shall I?
273
00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:40,402
Well, thanks for saying what you did, Janey.
There was no need to mention Alexander.
274
00:15:40,439 --> 00:15:41,963
Why not?
275
00:15:42,007 --> 00:15:44,339
Everyone knows,
what's the point of pretending?
276
00:15:44,376 --> 00:15:48,972
If it weren't for the fact that I don't really care
where he is, I'd report him as missing.
277
00:15:50,282 --> 00:15:52,273
Will the toyboy drive?
278
00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:56,379
- Only if you'll sit in the back.
- Of course.
279
00:15:56,422 --> 00:15:58,913
You know my fantasy about chauffeurs,
don't you?
280
00:16:11,170 --> 00:16:15,664
...don't speak now...
- Please God, don't hit a police car!
281
00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:18,176
I'm not going to hit a police car!
282
00:16:19,611 --> 00:16:22,876
All right, all right, tell me that again... slowly.
283
00:16:22,915 --> 00:16:24,815
- You see...
- Hold on, Alice.
284
00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:29,048
We're old-age pensioners, you see.
We don't want to get into trouble with the law.
285
00:16:29,088 --> 00:16:31,818
We're a bit worried
about our no-claims bonus.
286
00:16:31,857 --> 00:16:36,385
I was a dentist, you see...
I don't think I ever did your teeth, did I?
287
00:16:36,428 --> 00:16:37,952
No, you never did.
288
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:40,124
Couple of nice crowns you've got there.
289
00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:42,156
Get to the point, Leo.
290
00:16:42,201 --> 00:16:44,032
What is it you want exactly, Mr. Deerborn?
291
00:16:44,069 --> 00:16:46,560
- Well...
- You see, the thing is, Constable...
292
00:16:47,406 --> 00:16:52,400
we'd like this Lovejoy fellow's address
so we can go round, pay him for his broken light
293
00:16:52,444 --> 00:16:54,776
and get him off our backs, so to speak.
294
00:16:54,813 --> 00:16:57,941
- Has he been harassing you?
- Oh, no. We've never even met him.
295
00:16:57,983 --> 00:17:02,010
We just want to apologize and pay him
and get the whole thing over with
296
00:17:02,054 --> 00:17:03,954
with the minimum of fuss.
297
00:17:03,989 --> 00:17:05,320
I can't do that.
298
00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:09,487
Oh... Oh, I'm sure you can, because...
299
00:17:09,528 --> 00:17:13,259
Well, you're obviously a very nice
and understanding young man...
300
00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:22,837
You see? You leave it to me,
everything gets done properly.
301
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:25,503
- All right, all right!
- Never mind this...
302
00:17:25,544 --> 00:17:28,513
Oh... Oh, thank you so much.
303
00:17:29,181 --> 00:17:32,048
You just tell me if he caused you any problems,
Mrs. Deerborn.
304
00:17:32,084 --> 00:17:34,211
Oh, I will, Constable, I will.
305
00:17:34,253 --> 00:17:36,448
Thank you, Constable. Thank you very much.
306
00:17:36,488 --> 00:17:37,512
Come on, come on.
307
00:17:37,556 --> 00:17:41,492
What did you have to go
and mention crowns for? Every time...
308
00:17:42,261 --> 00:17:47,722
And now £1,000 for cellar repairs, which means
I've got to make 1,200 just to break even.
309
00:17:48,934 --> 00:17:51,801
So I need someone to come and give me
an accurate estimate
310
00:17:51,837 --> 00:17:53,998
and suggest some suitable punters.
311
00:17:54,039 --> 00:17:56,507
Well, that's what you do, isn't it, Gently?
312
00:17:57,609 --> 00:17:59,042
Who?
313
00:17:59,845 --> 00:18:02,507
Major Eddie Turpin?
314
00:18:02,548 --> 00:18:04,379
Hold on.
315
00:18:04,950 --> 00:18:07,680
Yeah. Major Eddie Turpin...
316
00:18:07,719 --> 00:18:11,712
president of the All England
Black Powder Society.
317
00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:13,850
Ever so slightly flaky.
318
00:18:13,892 --> 00:18:15,792
Done time for arms smuggling.
319
00:18:16,528 --> 00:18:18,860
That's all I need. Flaky arms smuggler.
320
00:18:19,531 --> 00:18:21,158
Major Turpin?
321
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:24,226
- Ah, you must be Lovejoy.
- Yeah.
322
00:18:24,269 --> 00:18:27,033
Now, who was it you said
who recommended me?
323
00:18:27,072 --> 00:18:29,404
Alexander Bentley, the arms specialist.
324
00:18:29,441 --> 00:18:32,433
Gently Bentley, hm?
Know him well, do you?
325
00:18:32,478 --> 00:18:34,378
- I think so.
- Jolly good.
326
00:18:34,413 --> 00:18:38,873
Then tell me something about Gently
which very few people know.
327
00:18:40,219 --> 00:18:42,210
Oh, his real name.
328
00:18:43,355 --> 00:18:45,949
Peter... Christopher...
329
00:18:45,991 --> 00:18:47,356
Rabbit.
330
00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:55,389
Right, now... 17th century, nine foot,
cast-iron gun barrel.
331
00:18:55,934 --> 00:18:59,301
Probably a demi-culverin
with a five-inch bore,
332
00:18:59,338 --> 00:19:01,533
both trunnions intact.
333
00:19:01,573 --> 00:19:03,837
Ah, vent blocked.
334
00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:06,242
Good cascabel button there,
335
00:19:06,278 --> 00:19:10,044
clean astragals and fillets...
336
00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:12,642
signs of being in the ground
for some considerable time,
337
00:19:12,684 --> 00:19:16,518
weight... around one ton,
ton and a half perhaps.
338
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:22,617
Yeah, the cross of St. George and the Irish harp
denotes that this cannon
339
00:19:22,661 --> 00:19:27,655
was probably part of a lot
cast for the city of Derry in Northern Ireland.
340
00:19:28,267 --> 00:19:31,600
This artillery piece will almost certainly
have been among the ordnance
341
00:19:31,637 --> 00:19:33,628
on the city walls.
342
00:19:34,439 --> 00:19:38,603
Now, I know you got it from the scrap yard chap
but how did he come by it?
343
00:19:38,644 --> 00:19:41,408
According to him, it was ploughed up
in a field somewhere near here.
344
00:19:42,514 --> 00:19:46,348
Ploughed up in a field, eh?
Now that is interesting.
345
00:19:46,385 --> 00:19:50,082
The type of rust... proves that
346
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:53,785
and I think you'll find that it's odds on
that this little monster
347
00:19:53,825 --> 00:19:56,191
was ploughed up on a disused airfield.
348
00:19:56,228 --> 00:19:59,322
- How do you know that?
- (Eric) There's loads of 'em round here.
349
00:19:59,364 --> 00:20:01,832
Yeah, he's right.
350
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:05,860
Well, during the last war,
when this country was on its knees,
351
00:20:05,904 --> 00:20:07,838
in the dark days, that was,
352
00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:09,966
there was a call for scrap metal.
353
00:20:10,008 --> 00:20:12,636
It was brought in
from all over the United Kingdom,
354
00:20:12,678 --> 00:20:16,978
certainly from Northern Ireland,
to central smelting points.
355
00:20:17,015 --> 00:20:18,949
Remember that?
356
00:20:18,984 --> 00:20:23,387
Yes, I remember that. They took the railings
down around the brewery.
357
00:20:23,422 --> 00:20:25,890
They never did put 'em back again.
358
00:20:25,924 --> 00:20:29,223
No. We gave up our aluminium saucepans,
359
00:20:29,261 --> 00:20:31,559
which were melted down to make Spitfires,
360
00:20:31,597 --> 00:20:35,158
church bells were turned into bullets,
that kind of thing.
361
00:20:36,134 --> 00:20:38,193
So?
362
00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:44,540
Well, not a lot of people know this.
It's still a state secret, even after 50 years.
363
00:20:44,576 --> 00:20:49,946
Mega news blackout and all that.
Picked it up when I was working at MoD.
364
00:20:49,982 --> 00:20:54,442
Don't tell me this would have been the only
thing to fight with if the Germans had invaded.
365
00:20:54,486 --> 00:20:58,479
Not even close. You see, early on in the war,
366
00:20:58,523 --> 00:21:01,686
during the RAF bombing campaign
of German cities,
367
00:21:01,727 --> 00:21:04,252
at one stage, we were so short of bombs
368
00:21:04,296 --> 00:21:09,290
that rather than let aircraft take off
with an empty space in its bomb bay,
369
00:21:09,334 --> 00:21:13,134
they would fill it up with anything heavy
they could lay their hands on.
370
00:21:13,171 --> 00:21:16,868
Er, Major, we're in the trade, you know.
371
00:21:16,908 --> 00:21:19,240
- You're making this up, aren't you?
- Making it up?
372
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:25,012
Why should I make it up? Anything falling on
the Krauts' heads is better than nothing.
373
00:21:25,050 --> 00:21:27,610
You know, train wheels, bedsteads,
374
00:21:27,653 --> 00:21:30,087
old Austin 7 car engines...
375
00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:33,057
Er, Major, can we stick to the business at hand?
376
00:21:33,091 --> 00:21:35,855
You know the trouble with you people?
377
00:21:35,894 --> 00:21:39,330
You deal with antiques
but you've no sense of history.
378
00:21:40,098 --> 00:21:42,566
Well, I find it fascinating, Major.
379
00:21:42,601 --> 00:21:48,836
Oh, you know, they still remember a night in
Hamburg which they call Bügeleisen Nacht.
380
00:21:48,874 --> 00:21:53,174
That's flatiron night.
Half a Wellington load of flatirons
381
00:21:53,211 --> 00:21:55,179
made a direct hit on the Rathaus.
382
00:21:56,415 --> 00:22:00,351
Flatirons...
falling on the Hamburg town hall?
383
00:22:01,753 --> 00:22:06,122
Major Turpin, would you be available
for our next Christmas party?
384
00:22:06,158 --> 00:22:07,887
(Laughs)
385
00:22:07,926 --> 00:22:13,057
You don't suppose that the brass in London
would tell the poor sods in Benghazi
386
00:22:13,098 --> 00:22:17,967
that we're down to running the war on scrap,
do you? Hmm?
387
00:22:18,003 --> 00:22:21,564
Well, just look at this.
It's the same size as a 1,000lb bomb.
388
00:22:21,606 --> 00:22:24,131
Leave the same hole when it hit.
389
00:22:24,176 --> 00:22:28,704
Keep a German bomb disposal unit
tied up for best part of a week, this would.
390
00:22:28,747 --> 00:22:31,807
Yes, I heard about this,
it's not as strange as it sounds.
391
00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:33,442
Not you too, Tink.
392
00:22:33,485 --> 00:22:35,953
- But it's true!
- Truth is weirder than fiction.
393
00:22:35,987 --> 00:22:39,479
- Major, more to the point...
- What's it worth?
394
00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:43,517
Oh, well, to be quite honest with you,
I'm not really interested in it.
395
00:22:43,562 --> 00:22:46,463
But this thing is over 300 years old.
396
00:22:46,498 --> 00:22:51,265
It doesn't count. Serious collectors
want bronze or more embellishment.
397
00:22:51,303 --> 00:22:55,672
Major, do you wanna make me an offer,
see if we're even close?
398
00:22:55,707 --> 00:23:02,374
Well, I don't know, really.
I mean, I suppose I could go to...
399
00:23:04,616 --> 00:23:07,915
Well, I don't know really. 250?
400
00:23:07,953 --> 00:23:09,921
Considering the mess you're in?
401
00:23:09,955 --> 00:23:14,221
- 250?
- Sure. And that's if it wasn't still loaded.
402
00:23:14,593 --> 00:23:16,083
Loaded?
403
00:23:16,128 --> 00:23:20,030
I think we've reached meltdown, boys.
You owe me a grand you can't come up with
404
00:23:20,065 --> 00:23:22,625
and the Major here tells me
the thing's still loaded!
405
00:23:22,667 --> 00:23:26,330
- Is it dangerous?
- Er, it's hard to say.
406
00:23:26,371 --> 00:23:30,774
If it was my pub, I'd rather see the thing
out here than in there.
407
00:23:30,809 --> 00:23:33,437
- Will you give me a grand for it?
- (Lovejoy) Oi!
408
00:23:33,478 --> 00:23:35,605
I can lip-read. It's mine!
409
00:23:35,647 --> 00:23:39,583
You can't do that, we're your best customers.
We've been coming here for years!
410
00:23:39,618 --> 00:23:43,748
Six months to be precise. And only because
you were barred from the Black Horse!
411
00:23:43,789 --> 00:23:46,451
I wasn't barred! I was asked to leave.
412
00:23:46,491 --> 00:23:49,517
- What do you say?
- I've already told Lovejoy,
413
00:23:49,561 --> 00:23:52,052
I'm really not interested in it.
414
00:23:52,898 --> 00:23:56,095
Arthur... We'll move the cannon
415
00:23:56,134 --> 00:23:59,570
and the Major will make sure the Royal Oak
doesn't get blown to pieces, won't you?
416
00:23:59,604 --> 00:24:04,098
Well, yes. Subject to my usual defusing fee,
of course.
417
00:24:04,609 --> 00:24:08,010
What about the thousand you owe me
for the damage?
418
00:24:08,046 --> 00:24:10,037
Pay you 500 on account.
419
00:24:10,081 --> 00:24:12,413
480, 490... 500.
420
00:24:13,385 --> 00:24:15,910
You hung on to your Scottish pound notes
as well?
421
00:24:15,954 --> 00:24:17,615
Lucky for you I did.
422
00:24:17,656 --> 00:24:20,557
That's the second time today
I've had to bail you out.
423
00:24:20,592 --> 00:24:22,287
How can I repay you?
424
00:24:22,327 --> 00:24:24,192
I could think of half a dozen ways.
425
00:24:24,229 --> 00:24:25,662
One'll do.
426
00:24:25,697 --> 00:24:28,188
You're a very special person,
you mean a lot to me.
427
00:24:28,233 --> 00:24:31,760
Oh, no, don't start buttering me up.
It's probably a leap year, isn't it?
428
00:24:31,803 --> 00:24:33,065
(Chuckles)
429
00:24:33,104 --> 00:24:34,594
Actually, it is!
430
00:24:34,639 --> 00:24:36,630
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
431
00:24:36,675 --> 00:24:38,472
No, it's not.
432
00:24:38,510 --> 00:24:40,000
Is it?
433
00:24:40,846 --> 00:24:43,713
Right, Frankie. Bring it up gently.
434
00:24:43,748 --> 00:24:47,582
Very carefully now. Steady as she goes.
435
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:50,845
Steady now. Steady.
436
00:24:52,023 --> 00:24:54,014
Right across, Frankie.
437
00:24:54,693 --> 00:24:55,819
Well done.
438
00:24:55,861 --> 00:24:57,795
There's your 500 on account, Arthur.
439
00:24:57,829 --> 00:25:00,354
- (Major) Bring it in.
- You had any offers yet?
440
00:25:00,398 --> 00:25:02,866
(Tinker) On the truck!
(Major) Steady now.
441
00:25:02,901 --> 00:25:04,926
Down a bit, Frankie!
442
00:25:04,970 --> 00:25:07,200
Whoa! Easy, Frankie!
443
00:25:07,239 --> 00:25:09,173
(Major) Well done, well done.
444
00:25:09,207 --> 00:25:12,574
Had me worried for a minute there, Frankie,
but a lovely smooth extraction.
445
00:25:12,611 --> 00:25:13,805
Wasn't it just!
446
00:25:13,845 --> 00:25:15,472
- Lovejoy...
- Yes, Major?
447
00:25:15,514 --> 00:25:17,573
That's another score, by the way.
448
00:25:17,616 --> 00:25:20,642
- Tinker'll see you right, Frankie.
- Oh, thanks!
449
00:25:20,685 --> 00:25:23,654
- (Lovejoy) Yes, Major?
- I can't take the ball out here,
450
00:25:23,688 --> 00:25:25,349
I need a stronger rod.
451
00:25:25,390 --> 00:25:26,823
Where are you taking it?
452
00:25:26,858 --> 00:25:29,827
Lady Jane Felsham says we can leave it
at her place for the time being.
453
00:25:29,861 --> 00:25:32,523
I think I may have found you a buyer.
454
00:25:32,564 --> 00:25:37,661
Chap who's setting up this Cavalier Roundhead
theme park thing near to Newark.
455
00:25:37,702 --> 00:25:41,103
Basically he wants pieces which he can fire.
456
00:25:41,139 --> 00:25:44,131
As is fairly obvious, you can't fire that.
457
00:25:44,843 --> 00:25:47,471
I reckon he'll go to around seven.
458
00:25:47,512 --> 00:25:50,675
You know, well, 750 at the outside.
459
00:25:51,917 --> 00:25:54,681
- Are you ready, Janey?
- Ready when you are, Mr. DeMille.
460
00:25:54,719 --> 00:25:56,584
- Oh, one thing, Lovejoy.
- Yeah?
461
00:25:56,621 --> 00:26:00,489
If that thing goes off, it's pointing at you,
so I'd just like to say goodbye.
462
00:26:00,525 --> 00:26:02,083
Bye!
463
00:26:02,928 --> 00:26:04,418
Bye!
464
00:26:04,462 --> 00:26:07,795
Oh, Jane, Tinker... Just remind us
how it's gonna go once more.
465
00:26:08,500 --> 00:26:12,027
Yeah, Janey's gonna drive off first,
then we count to two, Lovejoy goes.
466
00:26:12,070 --> 00:26:14,402
So it's Janey, one-two, Lovejoy.
467
00:26:14,439 --> 00:26:16,373
Janey, one-two, then I go.
468
00:26:18,877 --> 00:26:20,139
OK, Lovejoy, you ready?
469
00:26:20,178 --> 00:26:24,046
- No, no, it's Janey first...
- I know, I'm just saying, is he ready?
470
00:26:24,082 --> 00:26:25,640
Shut up, Eric!
471
00:26:25,684 --> 00:26:27,311
Ready!
472
00:26:27,352 --> 00:26:29,513
- OK. Janey...
- We're going in a minute!
473
00:26:29,554 --> 00:26:31,613
Janey, one-two, Lovejoy!
474
00:26:33,959 --> 00:26:36,257
(Eric) Go go go go go go go!
475
00:26:36,294 --> 00:26:38,057
Keep going! Stop!
476
00:26:38,830 --> 00:26:43,096
Ah! Ha! Precision bombing
if ever I saw it!
477
00:26:43,134 --> 00:26:46,126
Pity he wasn't so accurate
in the Royal Oak car park.
478
00:26:47,138 --> 00:26:49,163
Well done, Janey.
479
00:26:49,207 --> 00:26:51,767
Now all you've got to work out
is how to get it back on the truck.
480
00:26:51,810 --> 00:26:53,869
I'm working on it. Here, Eric.
481
00:26:53,912 --> 00:26:55,903
Got this soap and plaster of Paris.
482
00:26:55,947 --> 00:26:58,973
I'm sure I've seen this crest before
but I can't think where.
483
00:26:59,017 --> 00:27:03,113
- Derry?
- No, I've never been to Derry.
484
00:27:03,154 --> 00:27:05,952
That's why we need a second opinion.
Thanks, Janey.
485
00:27:08,293 --> 00:27:10,056
- Good morning, Eric!
- Morning!
486
00:27:10,095 --> 00:27:14,589
You've just volunteered to house-sit the cannon
while Jane and I go to London.
487
00:27:14,633 --> 00:27:17,193
Oh, thank you very much.
That's very big of you.
488
00:27:17,235 --> 00:27:19,726
Why don't you call in the SAS
just to make sure?
489
00:27:19,771 --> 00:27:22,433
Here's the plaster cast. Still a bit wet.
490
00:27:22,474 --> 00:27:27,275
Nice job, Eric. And as you'll have very little...
well, almost nothing to do...
491
00:27:27,312 --> 00:27:30,645
may I suggest you fix the back light
and the indicator on my truck?
492
00:27:31,316 --> 00:27:34,410
The keys to the tantalus up at the big house
are under the Yellow Pages
493
00:27:34,452 --> 00:27:38,889
but I wouldn't bother cos she marks
the brandy decanter with a fine pencil line.
494
00:27:38,923 --> 00:27:40,823
- No.
- So buy yourself some lager,
495
00:27:40,859 --> 00:27:42,759
just get rid of the cans, eh?
496
00:27:42,794 --> 00:27:45,160
- Why can't I come with you?
- Hm?
497
00:27:45,196 --> 00:27:46,458
Why can't I come with you?
498
00:27:46,498 --> 00:27:48,625
Because you can't.
499
00:27:54,172 --> 00:27:58,199
This is where they used to bring them, Janey.
Up the river from Westminster.
500
00:27:58,243 --> 00:28:03,374
The only way out of here
was feet first and usually minus their heads.
501
00:28:03,415 --> 00:28:05,383
Traitor's Gate.
502
00:28:06,384 --> 00:28:10,081
It's ironic, isn't it? People who try and ruin
a country and fail are called traitors,
503
00:28:10,121 --> 00:28:12,316
those who succeed are called politicians.
504
00:28:12,357 --> 00:28:17,124
I think the Tower of London's the wrong place
for a sudden attack of candor. Come on.
505
00:28:18,363 --> 00:28:21,298
(Eastern European accent) Will you tell me
what you know about it?
506
00:28:21,332 --> 00:28:25,359
Well, erm... I'll try, Miss, er...
507
00:28:25,403 --> 00:28:27,963
Miss... Ulasuitz.
508
00:28:28,006 --> 00:28:29,633
Ulasejevic.
509
00:28:29,674 --> 00:28:31,733
You can call me Natalie if it's easier.
510
00:28:32,477 --> 00:28:34,968
Oh, I'd like that, Natalie.
511
00:28:37,415 --> 00:28:40,509
According to a Major Turpin, Natalie...
512
00:28:40,552 --> 00:28:42,486
Would that be Major Edward Turpin?
513
00:28:43,722 --> 00:28:45,587
Yeah, it would be.
514
00:28:45,623 --> 00:28:50,185
This is a 17th century nine-foot cast-iron
demi-culverin artillery piece,
515
00:28:50,228 --> 00:28:53,061
part of a lot cast for the city of Derry
in Northern Ireland
516
00:28:53,098 --> 00:28:57,467
and it almost certainly would have been
among the ordnance on the city walls.
517
00:28:57,502 --> 00:29:01,495
He also told us this weird story about
this stuff being dropped on the Germans
518
00:29:01,539 --> 00:29:04,269
from Wellington bombers during World War 2.
519
00:29:04,309 --> 00:29:06,675
Also, it's still loaded.
520
00:29:09,280 --> 00:29:11,248
Will you come with me?
521
00:29:12,283 --> 00:29:14,251
I want to show you something.
522
00:29:14,285 --> 00:29:15,946
Both of us?
523
00:29:18,790 --> 00:29:21,884
This piece was dredged up off the Dutch coast.
524
00:29:22,494 --> 00:29:28,194
It went down with the British warship
during the battle of Scheveningen in 1653.
525
00:29:29,534 --> 00:29:31,593
Anything like yours?
526
00:29:32,437 --> 00:29:34,928
Almost exactly like ours.
527
00:29:34,973 --> 00:29:37,134
Considerably less rust.
528
00:29:37,175 --> 00:29:41,043
But what's outstanding about it are the arms,
529
00:29:41,079 --> 00:29:43,479
which are the arms of the Commonwealth,
530
00:29:43,515 --> 00:29:47,849
which were used by Oliver Cromwell
between 1649 and 1660
531
00:29:47,886 --> 00:29:49,854
when this country was a republic.
532
00:29:49,888 --> 00:29:54,382
- So it's not from Derry?
- This one was used at sea, like yours was.
533
00:29:54,425 --> 00:29:56,120
It's not a demi-culverin either?
534
00:29:56,161 --> 00:29:59,494
A culverin, possibly a culverin-drake.
535
00:30:00,732 --> 00:30:02,597
You look surprised.
536
00:30:02,634 --> 00:30:04,499
We are, rather.
537
00:30:04,536 --> 00:30:06,800
What makes this cannon so rare
538
00:30:06,838 --> 00:30:10,899
is that only one other cannon
bearing these arms is known to exist,
539
00:30:10,942 --> 00:30:13,172
and that's in Barbados.
540
00:30:13,211 --> 00:30:16,112
Yours would appear to be the third.
541
00:30:16,147 --> 00:30:21,016
But surely Cromwell cast
thousands of cannons with this crest on.
542
00:30:21,052 --> 00:30:27,150
He did indeed, but when the monarchy was
restored and Charles II was safely on the throne,
543
00:30:27,192 --> 00:30:31,219
he decreed that every Commonwealth crest
was to be obliterated completely,
544
00:30:31,262 --> 00:30:34,459
and they did such a thorough job
that nothing survived.
545
00:30:34,499 --> 00:30:38,526
So what you're saying is that our cannon
falls into the quite rare category.
546
00:30:38,570 --> 00:30:40,697
I'd say so, yes.
547
00:30:40,738 --> 00:30:43,764
And it's worth considerably more
than 750 quid, right?
548
00:30:43,808 --> 00:30:46,868
Well, we are not permitted to discuss values
549
00:30:46,911 --> 00:30:51,245
but if it's a genuine Commonwealth gun,
off the record, erm...
550
00:30:51,282 --> 00:30:54,774
I'd say 750 would be about
10% of its true value.
551
00:30:55,653 --> 00:30:59,885
I'd have to look at it first, of course.
I can come up tomorrow if you like.
552
00:31:00,391 --> 00:31:02,325
So tell us about Major Turpin.
553
00:31:02,360 --> 00:31:07,525
Oh, he's an enthusiast,
and a dealer in old ordnance.
554
00:31:08,433 --> 00:31:10,867
I bump into him at the sales
from time to time.
555
00:31:10,902 --> 00:31:13,302
He buys mainly for the overseas market.
556
00:31:13,338 --> 00:31:16,000
- And sells it too, I hear.
- I believe so.
557
00:31:16,040 --> 00:31:18,804
How come he made such a mistake
with the identification?
558
00:31:18,843 --> 00:31:22,210
Well, he's mainly 18th and 19th centuries.
559
00:31:22,247 --> 00:31:25,273
It's very easy to make a mistake
if it's not your period.
560
00:31:25,316 --> 00:31:30,754
But I'll tell you one thing - if it were mine,
I would chain it to something really solid.
561
00:31:30,788 --> 00:31:32,221
Like bedrock.
562
00:31:49,974 --> 00:31:51,942
Yes, can I help you?
563
00:31:54,112 --> 00:31:57,411
We're looking for Lovejoy.
We were told that he lived here.
564
00:31:57,448 --> 00:32:00,349
Well, I'm sorry he's not here today,
he's on a business trip in London.
565
00:32:00,385 --> 00:32:03,877
But I'm the next best thing.
Catchpole's the name, antiques are the game.
566
00:32:04,923 --> 00:32:07,721
I imagine it is something antique
that's brought you here.
567
00:32:07,759 --> 00:32:09,920
- Yes, him.
- Ha ha!
568
00:32:09,961 --> 00:32:11,451
Not exactly.
569
00:32:11,496 --> 00:32:17,025
You see, Mr. Catchpole, a few days ago,
my wife here had a stupid, unfortunate accident.
570
00:32:17,068 --> 00:32:20,162
It wasn't entirely her fault.
She's had her eyes tested...
571
00:32:20,204 --> 00:32:25,198
What he's trying to get out is that
I'm the person who backed into the truck
572
00:32:25,243 --> 00:32:28,041
- and smashed the back light.
- I see!
573
00:32:28,079 --> 00:32:35,281
So, if you would be so kind as to give this check
for £50 to Lovejoy as payment for the light,
574
00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:38,255
with our heartfelt apologies,
we would be most grateful.
575
00:32:38,289 --> 00:32:40,757
- Well, I'm sorry, Mrs...
- Deerborn.
576
00:32:40,792 --> 00:32:43,955
Yeah. I'm sorry, Mrs. Deerborn,
but he doesn't accept checks.
577
00:32:43,995 --> 00:32:46,555
Well, we could shoot down
to the building society.
578
00:32:46,597 --> 00:32:49,122
If you want my advice, just forget about it.
579
00:32:49,167 --> 00:32:52,159
Forget you've been here,
forget you've spoken to me,
580
00:32:52,203 --> 00:32:55,400
cos to tell you the truth, he doesn't know
who did it and he never will.
581
00:32:55,440 --> 00:32:59,740
Well, that's all very well you saying that,
but how do we know we can trust you?
582
00:32:59,777 --> 00:33:04,339
- We came here in good faith.
- And I respect that good faith, Mrs. Deerborn.
583
00:33:04,382 --> 00:33:07,909
But trust me, my lips are sealed.
Dealer's honor.
584
00:33:07,952 --> 00:33:11,319
Dealer's honor?
It's the first time I've ever heard that one.
585
00:33:11,356 --> 00:33:14,450
Well, I think that's most noble of you,
Mr. Catchpole.
586
00:33:14,492 --> 00:33:19,486
And seeing as you're an expert, perhaps you'd
like to come down and look at something.
587
00:33:20,264 --> 00:33:21,253
Ah.
588
00:33:21,299 --> 00:33:24,860
It's supposed to be the last palette ever
used by Van Dyck.
589
00:33:24,902 --> 00:33:27,132
What do you think?
590
00:33:28,473 --> 00:33:30,964
- Van Dyck, you reckon?
- Yes.
591
00:33:31,009 --> 00:33:32,670
Which one?
592
00:33:32,710 --> 00:33:36,237
- What do you mean, which one?
- There was only one Van Dyck!
593
00:33:36,280 --> 00:33:39,738
There was only one Rembrandt
until they started probing into him,
594
00:33:39,784 --> 00:33:43,618
then they found out there were
dozens of them all over the place.
595
00:33:43,654 --> 00:33:47,818
No, I'm not sure about this.
No provenance, no nothing.
596
00:33:48,459 --> 00:33:51,189
And there's no market in palettes these days.
597
00:33:51,229 --> 00:33:53,925
The recession killed it off.
598
00:33:53,965 --> 00:33:56,798
Still, it is a nice frame.
599
00:33:59,337 --> 00:34:02,932
So I'll tell you what,
I'll give you 15 quid for the frame.
600
00:34:04,042 --> 00:34:06,909
Er, not today, thank you, Mr. Catchpole.
601
00:34:06,944 --> 00:34:08,878
Fair enough.
602
00:34:08,913 --> 00:34:12,076
I won't waste any more of your time,
thank you.
603
00:34:12,116 --> 00:34:15,608
Oh, by the way, how much did the repair cost?
604
00:34:15,653 --> 00:34:18,520
Er, the... 50 quid.
605
00:34:21,192 --> 00:34:22,181
Ahem.
606
00:34:33,738 --> 00:34:35,706
- Morning, Lady Jane, Lovejoy.
- Eric.
607
00:34:35,740 --> 00:34:38,038
Have a nice time in London, did we?
608
00:34:39,277 --> 00:34:41,108
Ahem. Did you sleep well, Eric?
609
00:34:41,145 --> 00:34:44,308
Of course not, I was up
patrolling the grounds every half-hour.
610
00:34:44,348 --> 00:34:45,906
I used to be in security, you know.
611
00:34:45,950 --> 00:34:49,283
Well, your sacrifice was not in vain.
The cannon's almost unique
612
00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:53,450
- and it's worth at least seven and a half grand.
- Ha! You're kidding!
613
00:34:55,626 --> 00:35:00,120
And somebody from the Royal Armouries
is coming this afternoon to have a look at it.
614
00:35:00,164 --> 00:35:03,600
- Maybe they'll make us an offer for it.
- Yeah.
615
00:35:08,005 --> 00:35:09,939
- You got drunk, didn't you?
- I didn't!
616
00:35:09,974 --> 00:35:12,067
(Both shouting)
617
00:35:17,882 --> 00:35:20,316
Ah. Lady Felsham.
618
00:35:20,351 --> 00:35:22,114
Major Turpin. Hello.
619
00:35:22,153 --> 00:35:24,951
- I was there all night!
- You can't even!
620
00:35:25,823 --> 00:35:28,121
- Morning, Major.
- Lovejoy, Eric.
621
00:35:29,060 --> 00:35:34,828
May I introduce Matthew Belford? Matthew
is opening the theme park I told you about.
622
00:35:34,866 --> 00:35:36,731
Come to see your cannon.
623
00:35:36,767 --> 00:35:38,826
Well, there's nothing to see anymore.
624
00:35:38,870 --> 00:35:41,737
I don't understand.
You said you were bringing it here.
625
00:35:41,772 --> 00:35:43,967
- Yes, yes, I did.
- Well?
626
00:35:46,244 --> 00:35:48,542
It was stolen during the night.
627
00:35:48,579 --> 00:35:49,807
Stolen?!
628
00:35:49,847 --> 00:35:55,581
That's impossible! You can't just walk away
with a ton and a half of iron.
629
00:35:55,620 --> 00:35:58,248
I brought Matthew here to have a look at it.
630
00:35:59,690 --> 00:36:04,787
If you've got another client, Lovejoy,
I'd find that bloody unprofessional.
631
00:36:04,829 --> 00:36:07,855
And a shoddy trick to boot, if you ask me.
632
00:36:07,899 --> 00:36:11,027
There is no other client
and there is no trick!
633
00:36:11,068 --> 00:36:16,199
It's been nicked, it has gone. Eric the Rottweiler
here got out of it and it has walked.
634
00:36:16,240 --> 00:36:19,232
- Oh, come on...
- Come and see for yourself, come on.
635
00:36:21,112 --> 00:36:23,012
I didn't!
636
00:36:24,715 --> 00:36:29,652
(Major) I don't understand a damn thing.
No tracks, no footprints.
637
00:36:30,421 --> 00:36:31,888
Not even a fag end.
638
00:36:31,923 --> 00:36:33,982
What about a helicopter?
639
00:36:34,025 --> 00:36:36,425
I thought you were awake all night.
640
00:36:36,460 --> 00:36:38,985
Or a hot-air balloon, they're pretty quiet.
641
00:36:39,030 --> 00:36:41,123
"Hot-air balloon"!
642
00:36:41,165 --> 00:36:47,104
I'm beginning to ask myself
if it was ever here in the first place.
643
00:36:47,138 --> 00:36:49,129
Now, what's that supposed to mean?
644
00:36:49,173 --> 00:36:53,303
Sorry about this, Matthew.
I'll be sending you an invoice, Lovejoy.
645
00:36:53,344 --> 00:36:55,335
For services rendered.
646
00:36:55,379 --> 00:36:57,006
Oh, plus my mileage.
647
00:36:57,048 --> 00:37:00,848
All I can say is, I hope it turns up somewhere.
648
00:37:00,885 --> 00:37:03,080
Goodbye, Lady Felsham. Matthew.
649
00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:04,781
Goodbye.
650
00:37:05,823 --> 00:37:09,953
Did you know it was
a Cromwellian Commonwealth gun, Major?
651
00:37:09,994 --> 00:37:13,327
Cromwellian Commonwealth gun my arse.
652
00:37:17,535 --> 00:37:18,866
(Eric sighs)
653
00:37:21,405 --> 00:37:23,965
You know, if you were awake all night, Eric...
654
00:37:24,008 --> 00:37:26,238
I might have dozed off for a minute,
I don't know.
655
00:37:26,277 --> 00:37:28,973
- You heard nothing at all?
- Not even an owl.
656
00:37:29,013 --> 00:37:31,413
- Where's Tinker?
- I don't know.
657
00:37:32,416 --> 00:37:34,646
- If you...
- I'm going to inform the police.
658
00:37:34,685 --> 00:37:38,177
- Then maybe I can claim off my insurance.
- I'll come with you.
659
00:37:41,859 --> 00:37:44,384
(Arguing)
660
00:37:45,663 --> 00:37:47,756
Don't tell me to go faster!
661
00:37:50,301 --> 00:37:52,166
Stop now.
662
00:37:53,938 --> 00:37:55,906
Quick, reverse. Get out, out!
663
00:37:56,540 --> 00:37:58,906
- What price now?!
- Move!
664
00:37:58,943 --> 00:38:01,912
I'm moving, I'm moving! Reverse...
665
00:38:01,946 --> 00:38:05,575
I told you we should never have come here,
you deranged gerbil!
666
00:38:05,616 --> 00:38:07,846
Quick, get out of here, quick!
667
00:38:10,354 --> 00:38:12,618
- Afternoon, all!
- Hello, Tink.
668
00:38:12,657 --> 00:38:16,889
Oh, Tinker Dill, this is Natalie Ulasejevic
from the Royal Armouries.
669
00:38:16,927 --> 00:38:19,760
- Pleased to meet you, Mr. Dill.
- Where's the gun?!
670
00:38:19,797 --> 00:38:22,459
Stolen from under his nose last night.
671
00:38:22,500 --> 00:38:26,800
- By the way, where were you last night?
- I was poring over dusty tomes.
672
00:38:26,837 --> 00:38:29,465
I finally identified the arms on the cannon.
673
00:38:29,507 --> 00:38:32,499
Cromwellian Republic,
making it a Commonwealth gun.
674
00:38:32,543 --> 00:38:35,205
What, you know?
I could have stayed in the pub!
675
00:38:35,246 --> 00:38:37,874
There is something curious about all this.
676
00:38:37,915 --> 00:38:39,177
What?
677
00:38:40,217 --> 00:38:45,280
Well, the impression here in the sand doesn't
match up with the cannon in your pictures.
678
00:38:47,525 --> 00:38:50,926
In the picture, the distance
from the cascabel to the trunnions
679
00:38:50,961 --> 00:38:53,293
is much greater than it is in the sand.
680
00:38:53,331 --> 00:38:57,131
I'd say that there was at least
eight inches difference.
681
00:38:57,935 --> 00:38:59,459
How does she know that?
682
00:38:59,503 --> 00:39:01,403
She's an expert.
683
00:39:01,439 --> 00:39:05,239
Now, the muzzle, here,
is much smaller than it is in the sand,
684
00:39:05,276 --> 00:39:10,805
so, whatever it is that made this impression
certainly wasn't the gun in your pictures.
685
00:39:10,848 --> 00:39:13,976
So what you're saying is that whoever
stole the cannon
686
00:39:14,018 --> 00:39:16,646
went to all the trouble of making
an impression in the sand,
687
00:39:16,687 --> 00:39:20,646
To make us believe that it had been stolen
so they could come back later,
688
00:39:20,691 --> 00:39:23,922
steal it themselves
when the coast is clear, perhaps.
689
00:39:23,961 --> 00:39:28,125
What are you rambling on about? Coast is clear!
I mean, it's not here, is it?
690
00:39:28,165 --> 00:39:30,429
Unilateral thinking, Eric.
691
00:39:32,036 --> 00:39:33,594
- Dig.
- What?!
692
00:39:40,211 --> 00:39:43,009
(Jane) I think something's here.
(Eric) It's here! Look!
693
00:39:43,047 --> 00:39:44,537
- (Jane) It is!
- (Laughter)
694
00:39:45,516 --> 00:39:47,882
(Eric) Who'd have believed it?!
695
00:39:47,918 --> 00:39:49,647
(Lovejoy) Well done, Tink.
696
00:39:49,687 --> 00:39:52,417
One Commonwealth gun...
697
00:39:52,456 --> 00:39:54,151
if I'm not mistaken.
698
00:39:59,263 --> 00:40:02,630
Would you be burying that thing
or just exhuming it, Lovejoy?
699
00:40:02,666 --> 00:40:05,533
- Oh, I can explain, Constable.
- I think we've seen enough.
700
00:40:05,569 --> 00:40:09,403
Lady Felsham, I trust you won't be making
a claim on your insurance company?
701
00:40:09,440 --> 00:40:11,169
Of course not!
702
00:40:11,208 --> 00:40:15,577
Well, there is a small matter of wasting
police time to be taken into consideration
703
00:40:15,613 --> 00:40:19,572
but I'll put that on Lovejoy's account
if that's all right with you.
704
00:40:32,163 --> 00:40:33,994
(Eric) Looks incredible.
705
00:40:34,031 --> 00:40:35,965
Couldn't agree more.
706
00:40:43,707 --> 00:40:45,698
It could almost fool me.
707
00:40:45,743 --> 00:40:49,804
Well, to avoid a repetition of last night's fiasco,
Eric, you're taking first watch.
708
00:40:49,847 --> 00:40:52,213
- What?!
- I'll relieve you in four hours.
709
00:40:52,249 --> 00:40:53,716
What are you lot gonna be doing?
710
00:40:53,751 --> 00:40:58,245
We are going to reward Natalie for an excellent
impression of a Commonwealth gun...
711
00:40:58,289 --> 00:41:00,348
- with dinner.
- Spasiba.
712
00:41:00,391 --> 00:41:03,292
Put the saucepans back in the kitchen, Eric.
713
00:41:03,327 --> 00:41:05,227
And rake the sand.
714
00:41:06,297 --> 00:41:07,958
Bloody great!
715
00:41:10,167 --> 00:41:11,498
(Owl hoots)
716
00:41:21,545 --> 00:41:23,410
(Tinker) Hic!
717
00:41:24,949 --> 00:41:26,678
About time.
718
00:41:26,717 --> 00:41:30,414
You are relieved. There's your supper.
719
00:41:30,454 --> 00:41:32,115
Oh, thanks a lot.
720
00:41:33,357 --> 00:41:35,348
I shall take over now.
721
00:41:36,627 --> 00:41:38,993
Ah-ah-ah!
722
00:41:39,029 --> 00:41:41,020
Have no fear.
723
00:41:50,241 --> 00:41:52,505
(Snores)
724
00:41:58,782 --> 00:42:01,717
(Tinker) No, get out the way.
I've gotta have a pee.
725
00:42:01,752 --> 00:42:04,380
- Morning, lads!
- (Tinker) I had a lot to drink last night.
726
00:42:04,421 --> 00:42:06,719
(Eric) Well, more than I did!
727
00:42:07,725 --> 00:42:10,193
- Everything all right?
- Yeah, fine, thanks.
728
00:42:12,596 --> 00:42:14,894
Breakfast down the pub, my treat.
729
00:42:21,238 --> 00:42:24,537
- (Phone)
- Excuse me. Could you, erm? Thank you.
730
00:42:24,575 --> 00:42:26,566
These are nice.
731
00:42:28,078 --> 00:42:30,842
Hello? Yes, this is Jane Felsham.
732
00:42:31,982 --> 00:42:33,415
What?
733
00:42:33,450 --> 00:42:36,078
Oh, my God. Is it serious?
734
00:42:36,120 --> 00:42:38,281
Yes, I'll be there right away.
735
00:42:38,322 --> 00:42:39,812
What happened?
736
00:42:39,857 --> 00:42:42,121
Tinker's fallen down the cellar steps at the pub.
737
00:42:42,159 --> 00:42:43,820
Oh, my God!
738
00:43:07,284 --> 00:43:10,549
Oh... (Speaks Russian)
739
00:43:11,422 --> 00:43:12,889
Are you all right?
740
00:43:12,923 --> 00:43:14,254
Oh, no!
741
00:43:16,293 --> 00:43:18,693
God, damn and blast!
742
00:43:26,236 --> 00:43:28,101
Morning!
743
00:43:31,075 --> 00:43:32,508
We've come to see Lovejoy.
744
00:43:32,543 --> 00:43:34,841
- He's not here.
- Oh.
745
00:43:34,878 --> 00:43:36,505
Any idea when he'll be back?
746
00:43:36,547 --> 00:43:39,482
Tomorrow, day after. Gone to Dublin.
747
00:43:39,516 --> 00:43:41,575
- What?
- He's gone to Dublin.
748
00:43:41,619 --> 00:43:43,985
You can leave a message if you like.
749
00:43:44,021 --> 00:43:48,219
Hey! That's the cannon that finished up
in the pub cellar.
750
00:43:48,258 --> 00:43:49,987
- Isn't it?
- What, this cannon?
751
00:43:50,027 --> 00:43:52,461
- Yes.
- Er, no, I don't think so, no.
752
00:43:52,496 --> 00:43:56,023
Oh, come on, Leo. There's no point in staying
if he's not here.
753
00:43:56,066 --> 00:43:57,863
Come on!
754
00:44:03,641 --> 00:44:05,666
(Bang and crashing)
755
00:44:05,709 --> 00:44:09,975
Oh, God! (Muttering)
756
00:44:10,014 --> 00:44:14,212
You silly old tart, you pin brain!
Look what you've done to the man's car.
757
00:44:14,251 --> 00:44:16,446
No, look, it's nothing.
758
00:44:16,487 --> 00:44:19,615
- Nothing?
- These things are meant to take knocks.
759
00:44:19,657 --> 00:44:21,750
Just forget it, there's a good chap.
760
00:44:21,792 --> 00:44:23,282
Oh, no, not this time.
761
00:44:27,998 --> 00:44:31,661
Look, take this. Have your bumper rechromed.
762
00:44:31,702 --> 00:44:35,570
No, it's my fault. I shouldn't be parked
like this in the first place.
763
00:44:35,606 --> 00:44:38,632
- Come on, Leo, let's go.
- Stop being hysterical!
764
00:44:38,676 --> 00:44:40,303
Insurance details, please!
765
00:44:40,344 --> 00:44:43,313
Look, would you do me a favor,
both of you? Hm?
766
00:44:43,347 --> 00:44:45,338
Just bugger off out of here!
767
00:45:04,201 --> 00:45:06,362
Well, I'd say that was the galloping Major.
768
00:45:06,403 --> 00:45:08,394
I must check the cannon.
769
00:45:08,439 --> 00:45:10,634
And who have we here?
770
00:45:11,041 --> 00:45:13,373
Alice and Leo Deerborn.
771
00:45:13,410 --> 00:45:16,470
They're the couple who smashed the light
on your pickup truck.
772
00:45:16,513 --> 00:45:23,180
Now look here, if we hadn't been here, your
cannon would be on that back of that trailer.
773
00:45:23,220 --> 00:45:25,950
So you're the two who started all this.
774
00:45:25,989 --> 00:45:31,450
Well, the things is, we did offer
your associate £50, but he turned it down.
775
00:45:31,495 --> 00:45:34,225
Did you really? Is that right, Eric?
776
00:45:34,264 --> 00:45:37,199
Well, Alice, Leo.
If I may call you that...
777
00:45:37,234 --> 00:45:42,467
Now, the thing is, as you won't accept the cash,
we'd like to say how sorry we are
778
00:45:42,506 --> 00:45:47,034
for having caused you all this trouble,
and we'd like you to accept something in lieu.
779
00:45:47,077 --> 00:45:50,171
Now, just a minute,
I'm just gonna get something out the car...
780
00:45:50,214 --> 00:45:53,206
This is a one-off, one in a lifetime.
You'll like it.
781
00:45:53,250 --> 00:45:56,617
...because, you see, this is worth £50.
782
00:45:56,653 --> 00:45:58,621
It's Van Dyck's last palette.
783
00:45:58,655 --> 00:46:01,215
More like Dick Van Dyke's.
784
00:46:01,258 --> 00:46:03,954
I offered 'em 15 quid for the frame.
785
00:46:07,564 --> 00:46:08,895
I can't accept it.
786
00:46:08,932 --> 00:46:12,993
This is all your fault.
She's caused so much aggravation...
787
00:46:13,036 --> 00:46:20,204
Shut up, Leo! But why can't you accept it?
It'll more than cover the cost of the back light.
788
00:46:20,244 --> 00:46:21,438
Oh, exactly.
789
00:46:21,478 --> 00:46:25,278
I could probably buy another pickup truck
and still have a pile of cash left over.
790
00:46:25,315 --> 00:46:26,714
What?!
791
00:46:26,750 --> 00:46:31,551
It's not Van Dyck's last palette.
It's something more interesting.
792
00:46:31,588 --> 00:46:32,919
Come with me.
793
00:46:33,524 --> 00:46:38,518
When Charles I was executed,
Cromwell tried to ban all his pictures.
794
00:46:38,562 --> 00:46:42,123
Now, one way the Royalists could keep faith
with the monarchy
795
00:46:42,166 --> 00:46:46,262
was in these secret pictures -
anamorphic pictures, they're called.
796
00:46:46,303 --> 00:46:48,897
The way to see them,
the way to break the painter's code
797
00:46:48,939 --> 00:46:51,737
was to put a silver cylinder on here -
798
00:46:51,775 --> 00:46:55,370
something that Cromwell's rummage crews
didn't carry round with them, right?
799
00:46:55,412 --> 00:46:58,540
But I can use Eric's exhaust pipe.
800
00:47:00,184 --> 00:47:03,620
Right. Who's that?
801
00:47:04,621 --> 00:47:08,022
Ah... We haven't seen one of those for a bit.
802
00:47:08,058 --> 00:47:10,026
It's Charles I.
803
00:47:10,060 --> 00:47:12,494
Ha! Isn't that incredible.
804
00:47:12,529 --> 00:47:14,394
Well, well.
805
00:47:15,465 --> 00:47:19,265
- I can see his face!
- Who would have believed it?
806
00:47:21,271 --> 00:47:24,536
You can never tell what's looking you
straight in the face, can you?
807
00:47:24,575 --> 00:47:27,442
Well, with you, that isn't surprising.
808
00:47:27,477 --> 00:47:30,708
Oh... We just thought it was some old palette.
809
00:47:31,682 --> 00:47:34,913
Leo took it instead of cash
for some dental work he did.
810
00:47:34,952 --> 00:47:39,946
I told you, didn't I?
You just didn't trust me one little bit, did you?
811
00:47:39,990 --> 00:47:41,651
No.
812
00:47:43,293 --> 00:47:46,160
How much is it worth?
813
00:47:46,196 --> 00:47:48,721
Depending on the painter...
three or four grand.
814
00:47:50,067 --> 00:47:53,127
But Eric was right about one thing -
815
00:47:53,170 --> 00:47:55,001
the frame's worth about 15 quid.
816
00:47:55,739 --> 00:47:58,299
- My new carpet...
- We're worth a fortune.
817
00:48:00,043 --> 00:48:03,137
I've got it. I've got it!
818
00:48:03,547 --> 00:48:06,573
No, no, no! Stay away from that thing,
it's still loaded.
819
00:48:06,617 --> 00:48:10,246
Gunpowder loses its potency very quickly
with age.
820
00:48:13,023 --> 00:48:14,820
Well...
821
00:48:15,592 --> 00:48:18,356
a cannonball it isn't.
822
00:48:20,330 --> 00:48:22,457
What on earth's that?
823
00:48:23,100 --> 00:48:25,796
A Cromwellian... rat.
824
00:48:26,403 --> 00:48:28,030
Eurgh!
825
00:48:28,071 --> 00:48:29,368
We're off.
826
00:48:29,406 --> 00:48:32,705
Are you quite sure you don't want
the palette, Lovejoy?
827
00:48:32,743 --> 00:48:36,873
Alice, keep it. We're both a few quid up
on the day, let's leave it at that.
828
00:48:36,914 --> 00:48:38,779
Oh...
829
00:48:39,750 --> 00:48:41,650
Thank you.
830
00:48:41,685 --> 00:48:44,313
Thank you, Lovejoy. You're a gentleman.
831
00:48:44,354 --> 00:48:46,185
- Bye, everyone.
- Goodbye, everybody!
832
00:48:46,223 --> 00:48:47,850
- (Jane) Goodbye.
- Come on, darling.
833
00:48:47,891 --> 00:48:48,880
Goodbye!
834
00:48:48,926 --> 00:48:53,226
Well, I think this calls for something
French and fizzy, don't you, Tink?
835
00:48:53,263 --> 00:48:55,026
I thought you'd never ask!
836
00:48:55,065 --> 00:48:56,464
(Bang)
837
00:48:56,500 --> 00:48:59,492
(Leo) You boss-eyed old bat!
Look what you've done!
838
00:48:59,536 --> 00:49:02,869
(Alice) Don't speak to me in that tone of voice!
(Leo) That's the third one this week!69829
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.