Original subtitles

Dude, sorry you got rejected.

What? No, I... Where... How did you know that?

'Cause I threw you a going-away party and you're here.

Italy rejected you.

Now I'm being told I can't expense the bar tab.

Italy. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. Sorry about that.

I can totally pitch in if you...

Thanks.

It was a real body-shot type of night.

- Hoo-hoo! - Ooh.

Did you bring us back any souvenirs?

I never actually went to Italy.

What about a souvenir from the airport?

Didn't make it there either.

Oh.

The Superior Scoop said you did.

I know you work with him,

but you don't mind if I get really graphic

about my night with Kevin, do you?

More graphic than you just were?

How? You described the way his back smelled.

When a body part smells like lemons and turkey dogs,

it's worth noting.

Anyway, I've called and texted

and he hasn't called me back, and I don't know what to do.

Look, Patti, you are a great roommate,

but I don't think I like being in the middle of this thing you have with Kevin.

Oh. Okay.

That's cool.

Just delete the videos I sent you then.

(gasps)

Come on.

(growls quietly)

♪ 'Cause it's all good ♪

♪ It's all, all, it's all good ♪

(tires screech)

Hey, thanks for the lift, man.

The tow yard should be releasing my car tomorrow,

so this shouldn't be for much longer.

That's no problem. I'm down for the carpool,

saving the Earth and whatnot.

I know. It just makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

What? Freeloading-wise or because I haven't made

a good left turn since you've been in here?

Well, mostly because of him.

- Who? Don? - Yeah.

- Oh, you're going to have to get used to Don. -Mm-hmm.

When you left me for Italy, I had to look after myself.

I never went to Italy.

Brian's profile said you did.

You made me turn to the Internet to find a friend, Kevin.

Let me tell you something. You search "fit man seeking man,"

gonna find some crazy stuff.

A lot of men out there not as fit as what they claim.

97% match.

Two percent body fat.

What's your body fat percentage, Kev?

A hundred percent don't care, Don.

- Hmm... - Whoa!

Go around the back. Go around the back.

Thought I saw Audrey.

Not sure how many more close calls with her I can take.

(elevator dings)

- Ha. No, after you. - You know what? No, you.

- I'll just... - No, it's okay. I go.

- Oh, my. - Oh!

- Oh my. - Okay, bye. Bye.

(sighs) It's just so awkward.

Why did I ever write her a love letter?

I could have lived a full and happy life

getting a Post-it Note from her every morning,

sharing a candy bar every afternoon.

I ruined everything.

Gah! Okay.

I gotta hurry in there.

Gotta sit down before she does

and not move till after she leaves.

Kev, Kev, your bag.

- Your bag. Your bag. - Yeah. Thank you.

(romantic funk music playing)

Kev, is that Audrey?

Brian: Was that her right there?

- She's inside now. It's al... - Shut up, man.

Okay.

(humming)

Who are you?

Patti.

I can't get Kevin to call me back,

so I showed up uninvited and came in through the unlocked door.

Who are you?

Roxie. I'm Kevin's sister.

I'm the one who left the door unlocked.

I didn't know he had a stalker.

I didn't know he had a sister.

I like your hat.

I'm loving your entire outfit.

Thank you.

- How are you? - Oh. You're here.

It was so quiet over there.

Well, I'm a super quiet breather.

Which is not why I called you here today.

Which I did not...

I... I wanted to...

tell you that I'm moving desks.

I just... I... I put in the request.

I think it's gonna be just better for both of us.

Yeah. I think that's a great idea.

It's a good call... man.

Hey, I hope you don't mind

my hopping in here before the chair is even cold.

HR said I could take possession of your desk

as long as I waive the inspection.

How did you even know I was moving?

There was a notice in The Superior Scoop.

Hey, you don't mind if I make a few minor changes, do you?

I just need something that works for the way I live.

Hey, neighbs.

So Patti is stalking me?

I know. I was as surprised as you are.

Oh. Cinnamon.

No, no, no. Wait, wait. Jalapeño.

Oh, this is so hard.

Oh, man. What am I gonna tell her?

Oh, nothing. I already took care of it.

Here's the thing, girl.

Kevin has a fiancée.

- He does? - Yes.

And at your apartment that day, he was trying to get

a wedding invitation back that he sent to Audrey.

His fiancée made him uninvite work people

'cause they're trying to save money for their triplets.

But I made him make love to me.

I know. He slipped up.

But if it makes you feel any better,

he said it was a really, really unusual experience.

Oh.

- He did? - Yeah.

And if I were you, I would just forget about him and move on.

You're too good for him anyway.

(slurps)

I'm not sure lying about a fiancée was the best idea?

Oh, no. Trust me, Kev.

With a girl like Patti, you want to make sure

she knows there is zero chance.

It was either a fiancée of faking your death,

which takes a lot of time.

Honestly, that's just not time that I have right now.

- (phone beeps) - Okay, where was I?

Hi. Welcome.

I'm Simon, this is Paul Garfunkel.

Some people call us the famous singing duo's names.

Simon and Garfunkel. I get it.

No. Common mistake.

It's Hall and Oates because I like to pace the hallway like an animal,

and he eats dry oatmeal.

It's nice to meet you guys.

Simon would like to apologize for his odor.

It's just my shingles cream.

Excuse me, is there a shade for that?

Never mind.

(slurping)

Whoa.

Ricky, did you just lose power?

Yes, of my own body. I have restless feet syndrome

and kicked out the cords. Don't worry.

It only happens a few times a day.

- (clattering) - Oh my...

Sorry!

Do you want me to put my balls on your neck?

What?

(chuckles)

Let me just confirm

that you're talking about the wooden things

- in your hand. - Yeah.

That's the way we take a break.

Break is exactly what we need!

Why don't we share a candy bar, huh?

Simon? Garfunkel?

Simon! Candy break!

Uh...

Who did this? Who... Who has done this?

Ricky, calm down.

It was me.

What's your game, sister?

I was trying to be nice.

By making fun of my round head.

No. That is not you.

It's a smiley face,

the universal sign of friendliness.

I always did it for Kevin and he never once yelled at me.

Oh. That's sweet, but...

I'm going to report you for aggressive behavior.

What?

Yes, bitch.

Kevin: Hi. I'm sorry.

You know, maybe moving wasn't a solution.

Kevin, I hate this new desk arrangement.

Look, I never should have written you that letter.

I...

I was drunk and I poured my heart out

and I said some stupid, stupid things

- and... - Kevin, please.

- You don't need to apologize for anything. - No, yes I do.

I really screwed up when I mailed it to you,

and now we're stuck being awkward around each other.

I'm getting massages I don't even want.

I... I probably have shingles!

God. I saw him hug you.

- I'm sorry. - It's okay.

I just don't want people to find out about that letter.

Look, Kevin, I am really flattered

and I really don't want to hurt your feelings,

- but I have a boyfriend and I'm with him... -I know.

So I'm okay with everything if you are.

You know, we can just keep working here

and be normal and just go back to the way it was before.

Okay?

Okay.

- Great. That would be great. - Yeah.

Where's Don?

Oh. Don's at his mom's.

I'm supposed to pick him up in about an hour.

We're gonna go to the driving range, get our haircuts.

He's going to take me to his orthotics guy, you know?

But my feet don't hurt, man!

Look, Kevin, he's suffocating me and I need your help to get rid of him.

Look, I panicked when you went to Italy.

- I never actually... -Now that you're back, I don't need him.

He wants to be my best friend.

I get it. I'm the bomb.

But I have you.

And if I need orthotics... I want you to take me.

So get out of it.

Don't overthink it.

See that's... that's why you're my 100% match.

Brian: That's why you're my 100%.

♪ Sit back and watch me do it ♪

♪ Chlllin' like a villain ♪

♪ Super turnt up hair cut low ceiling ♪

Smokin' Hot.

- Sounds about right. - I'll say!

(laughing)

Hi!

Oh, my God!

I was just next door at the sunglasses place when I read your Tweet!

"At the Polish Bar.

Help me decide which color, bitches."

Then I realized I could be a bitch that votes in person!

So... red!

You just happened to be right next door?

Mm-hmm!

Patti: Oh, my God. Oh, this is heaven.

I'm so glad this gives us an opportunity to talk.

You know, about what happened with me and your brother and...

just how I'm feeling.

Okay.

It's just that when I broke into your apartment

and like, you told me that if you were me,

you would just forget about him and move on,

that I was like, too good for him anyway,

that really helped me.

I was wondering if you had any more advice for me, girl.

She's following me, Kev.

And not the good kind of following.

I think you're overreacting.

She hasn't left me alone all day!

So thanks a lot. You gave me your stalker.

I don't think she's stalking you.

Oh, Kev, you are so egotistical.

What? You think you're the only one who's stalkable?

(sighs)

(sing-songy) Someone's got a secret crush that's not so secret.

Check The Scoop.

Audrey.

Can I speak to you for a minute, please?

All: Ooh!

I am so sorry, Kevin.

I have no idea how people found out.

Look, can I just have the letter back please?

I don't want to run the risk of it falling into the wrong hands.

I don't even have the letter anymore.

I threw it out.

(distorted music slows, stops)

- Oh. You did? - Mm-hmm.

So it is gone and forgotten.

Good.

- Good. That is good news. - Yeah.

What?

Oh, no.

No.

You know what, Garfunkel? The way things are going today,

I don't even care if those aren't the wooden ones.

- You can take it. Take it. - Ah-ah-ah...

Julia, hi. Can we talk to you for a second?

(woman in video gasps)

Do you have any idea who writes the gossip section in The Superior Scoop?

(scoffs) Please.

I don't have time for that kind of trash.

It's just...

It's obvious that somebody is

listening to our conversations and then writing about it,

and we're just wondering if there's any way that we could

have a look at the security camera footage.

Security cameras?

I don't even know if I remember that link.

I mean, they're probably not even operating anymore.

Oh! Yeah, I got it up and running.

- Right there! The security camera. - Oh.

Is that the bathroom?

Wait. What's Ricky doing?

Mm. That is one weird Mexican Sumo.

He's not even moving. He's just standing there.

Julia: He'll do that all day long. Good stuff, right?

I mean, why would he be standing... here?

What...

(Brian's voice reverberating) Look, you don't

know how to take no for an answer, Don.

Who is that?

It sounded like my buddy, Brian, but it couldn't be.

When I found you, I was like Bobby Brown leaving New Edition,

but I found my prerogative, okay?

- Yeah. - Don't be cruel!

(inaudible)

(Don's voice reverberating) I would hate for you to dump me and then find yourself

abandoned down the line when your perfect friend decides to go back to Italy.

Brian: I know what you're doing, Don.

I know what you're doing and it's not gonna work!

- The zombie movie, you know? - Don't you talk about...

Every time we talked, we were in that exact spot.

Ricky heard everything from here.

Here is my seat reassignment long-form.

You can give my old desk to someone else.

I don't even have the letter anymore.

(Audrey's voice reverberates) I threw it out.

Audrey: Our voices must have traveled across the ceiling.

Trashed.

He's the one who is writing about us.

Ricky! Unbelievable. I feel so betrayed.

I held his hand through all of his feet spasms.

We have to get back at him.

- Vengeance will be mine! - And mine!

And... and your... both of ours.

- Let's do it. - Okay.

(overlapping chatter)

Kevin, remember Don?

Oh hey, bro.

Can you please explain to Don that you and I are reunited

and his friendship services are no longer required?

Brian, Audrey and I are in the middle of something.

It's kind of an emergency.

More of an emergency than making it clear that you and I got a bond

stronger than any friend matching website can calculate?

Well, this seems like guy talk, sort of.

Come find me when you're ready for the vengeance.

- Bye, guys. - See you later.

- Don. - Huh?

Brian doesn't want to be your friend anymore, okay?

Sometimes people make choices and they second guess

and they don't mean to hurt your feelings,

but it just happens.

You mean it?

'Cause it did hurt, you know.

Just so you know, when you... when you left me and you went to Italy...

I never went to Italy.

Okay, well, whatever you did, you did it without telling me.

- I would never do that. - Don...

you need to move on, man.

You're gonna find your fit man seeking man.

This one is mine.

(sighs) Well, it's clear to me that

I'm not going to be able to break up what you guys have.

So...

Would you consider adding a third?

That's a totally different website, Don.

Roxie: Hello, Patti.

Ah! Roxie! Oh, my God!

What are you doing here?

Same thing you've been doing to me. Stalking.

I wasn't stalking you.

Okay, well, then explain why you followed me around

and you told me all of your personal business

and you like, expected me to give you advice or something?

I mean, I was terrified.

If my nails weren't wet, I would have maced you.

I was just trying to talk to you.

Who talks about their feelings in a nail salon?

Like, every woman ever.

Do you not have any girlfriends?

I mean, I had one in like, tenth grade.

Oh. You don't mean sexually.

Well, I had one in eighth grade,

but she was mean to me and then I was mean to her

and then that was basically it.

Well, maybe it's time for a new one.

You're lucky. I'm a really good friend.

Do you day drink?

Well, it's the day and I am drunk,

so you tell me.

I mean, Julia's our boss.

I can't believe she wants Ricky to do her in her office.

But that's what she said.

She said, "I want Ricky to do me in my office."

(Audrey's voice reverberates) Lots of times.

Didn't she also say, "Lots of times?"

Kevin: Yes, she did. She did say that.

"I want Ricky to do me all the ways that...

I am to be done. Plow me like the fields."

(both snickering)

Audrey: "Are sparks flying between a loyal leader

"and a certain husky man in plaid who craves

"a strict hand of a mature beauty?

Stay tuned."

I almost feel bad.

Ricky!

(growls)

♪ Oh, me so horny ♪

♪ Oh, me so horny ♪

♪ Me love you long time ♪

♪ Oh, me so horny ♪

- Oh, man. - Oh, dude.

I don't know whether to never talk about this again

or to never stop talking about this.

Never stop talking about this.

- Definitely never stop talking about this. -Okay.

- Aww. -And Kevin is a total crier, of course.

Of course! Idiot.

Well, at least he was when he was a kid.

Oh... Idiot!

(both laugh)

(doorbell rings)

Ooh! Pizza's here!

Oh, shoot! Do you have any cash?

This place doesn't take my dad's credit card.

All I have is my brother's credit card.

Aww, I love how entitled you are.

I love how entitled you are!

- No wonder we're friends! - (giggles)

Your roommate has a passport.

I'm sure she has money somewhere.

Yes!

You know, all this time I've been imagining how great

Audrey and I would be if she would just give

me the chance, and then today at work,

we actually were great together, but...

she threw out the letter.

I'm sorry, man.

No, it's okay.

It's time for Kevin to move on!

♪ It's time for Kevin to move on ♪

♪ Kevin gotta move on ♪

Coming!

Hmm...

I can't find any!

Check her underwear drawer!

That's where Kev keeps his!

Ooh. That's hot.

What is this?

"Dear Audrey, I know you don't think about me

"in a special way or at all, but I think about you all the time...

Oh, hello.

You're cute.

Until then, Kevin from work."

My Kevin?

What are you doing this weekend?

Do you want to drive me to Coachella?

Patti: Why didn't you tell me?

I thought you were my friend.

I'm sorry I lied, Patti.

But that's before we were friends.

I would never ever lie to you now.

Is this top too bright?

(sighs) A little.

You really are my girl.

But just so you know, I'm about to do something

to your brother that might test our friendship.

It's understandable.

Boop.

- Boop. - (laughs)

Both: Boop!

Both: Boop!

Brian: All right.

Kevin: Well, I appreciate it.

- You good? Bye. - Thanks for the ride.

"Lie fell apart. Oops!"

Hi, Kevin.

Brian!

I heard things didn't quite work out with your fiancée.

Patti, don't be upset. I... I can explain.

Oh, really?

You can explain this?

(majestic music playing)

She kept it!

Ah!