Original subtitles

(lid squeaks, clunks)

Come on. Come on. Come on!

Ow! Aah!

♪ Said I'm all about it ♪

♪ 'Cause I got soul and I won't quit ♪

♪ And your dad don't like it when I talk my... ♪

Brian! Brian, I got it!

- Got what? -The new job that I applied for in Italy.

- I got it. - Hey, congratulations, man!

I knew it! Didn't I tell you?

You think positive, you test positive!

Preach that to all my clients.

- Yeah. -I finally get to leave the worst job in history...

Bad pay, an evil boss.

Oh, before you go, any suggestions

on what nice thing I can say to Fat Rob in accounting?

No more office that thinks being eco-friendly means having only one toilet,

and a break room you can't even take a break in.

Then there's Audrey.

Audrey Piatigorsky. She is perfect.

(birds chirping)

- ♪ I just wanna leak ♪ - ♪ What? ♪

♪ Not literally leak, wanna push the music ♪

Kevin: Everything she does and says...

and how she smiles and laughs.

♪ Screaming "Who want what?" Now, please be warned ♪

Of course, she's got this awful boyfriend

she's had since college... Brock.

I think he might actually be

the mean coach from The Karate Kid.

(squawks, thuds)

Not Mr. Miyagi, the white dude.

- The white dude. Yeah. - Yeah.

♪ Oh oh oh oh ♪

(music slows, stops)

(scoffs) He has no idea how lucky he is, you know?

But I've known. I've known since my first day at work.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Ooh. I think you have something on your teeth, right here.

Oh.

That's when you knew she was your dream girl?

Man, you come face-to-face with a hundred people a day,

and nobody says anything about the spinach in your teeth.

- Yeah. - And there's one person...

who actually does say something.

Well, that's Audrey.

She's different. She's special.

But she'll never be with me, and I can't take sitting next to her every day, man.

It's driving me crazy. Monday cannot come soon enough.

Huh? You... You're going Monday?

- Yes. - Oh, I see what you're doing.

You're telling me at work so I don't make a scene,

'cause I gotta be professional.

- Brian. - Don't.

(sighs) I wish I could go with you, man.

Living in Los Angeles always felt like part one of our friendship,

and you know the sequel always takes place in Europe.

- I'm sorry. -Crazy, wrong-side- of-the-road driving,

topless girls at the beach,

foreign girls that say my name like this... "Brai-en."

- Dude, you can come visit me. - I made $400 last year, Kevin.

- Where am I going? -Okay, well, I'm coming home for Christmas.

I got it! You miss your flight 'cause of a snowstorm.

Uh-oh, a fake Santa Claus steals all of our gifts.

And guess what. In the end,

you know we're gonna learn that life lesson about the power of friendship.

This is gonna work. (kisses) Let's go.

- Come here. - (theme music playing)

(cell phone ringing)

- (sighs) - (beeps)

- Hello? - Are you so excited?

I'm so excited. I already love Los Angeles,

and I'm only in San Bernan-dinano or whatever.

Moving on a whim was the perfect plan, Kev.

Are you so excited? I'm so excited.

I actually am excited.

I got a new job in Italy,

so I am moving out.

What? Kev, that's amazing!

This works out kind of perfectly, 'cause...

Can I be like a thousand percent honest?...

I didn't really wanna share an apartment with you.

You're my brother and I love you,

but like a million percent honest,

I thought it'd be super weird when I brought guys back there.

And guess what. That is happening.

- Probably kind of a lot. - Okay, Roxanne.

Ooh! Roxie. Roxanne sounds slutty.

Oh, I gotta go, Kev. I'm gonna flash my boobs at this cute guy.

Hey, you! Can you tell your kids to cover their eyes?

- (chuckles) - So, it's true?

- (drawer shuts) - Yes, I... I quit.

No, that you have a weird paper clip and binder fetish.

- Everyone's been talking about it. - (both laugh)

Yeah, well... Yeah, no... no fetishes here.

Unless my partner's into that, and then, you know,

put me in pigtails, give me a lollipop,

and let's start changing some diapers.

Yeah, that stuff is weird.

So weird. I don't know why I said that.

- It's so... - Hey, guys, lay low.

Julia's handing out a crappy account...

Dreyerson Nursing Home and Hospice Spa.

Nothing but Ensures and seltzers,

it's way out in the boonies, and it reeks.

Ricky! That is not your business!

Sorry, boss!

Like, urine with a dash of hummus or something.

It's real bad smell over at Dryerson.

- Oh, that is so gross, Ricky. - Hey, a bunch of us

- wanna get together in your honor tonight. - Oh, you guys don't...

- How fun! - Sure, great. Where? When?

- Oh, I wish I could go. - What?

Brock has his big tournament tonight. It's regionals.

Or is it semi-regionals? Or is it semi-final regionals?

Is there such a thing as regional regionals?

- Nope. That'd be weird. - You're so devoted.

Craftworks Gastropub and Tapas Bar.

Six o'clock. It's gonna be epic,

especially if we can get a booth by the air conditioner.

(rock music playing)

Brian: I'm gonna be fine without you here.

Me and Ricky, we gonna turn it up!

So, what you gonna do with all your old furniture?

- You gonna give it away or...? -Oh, I was gonna leave it for my sister.

- I'm sorry, man. - Pssh! Don't be, okay?

I look like the type of guy that wants hand-me-down furniture?

Uh-uhh!

What you gonna do with all your old clothes?

You gonna give those away?

- (wind gusts) - (ethereal music playing)

I'm coming, Ricky!

(chirping)

(music slows, stops)

- (rock music playing) - Kevin! You guys are still here!

I thought you guys couldn't make it. The finals or whatev...

Quarter regional finals of the semis.

Kicked ass in record speed. Pow, pow!

- (laughs) Yeah. -Couldn't have done it without her.

- She paid my entrance fee. - She...

- Come on, babe, let's dance. - Oh! (laughing)

Whoo!

Mmm! Looks like the quarterback needs a chaperon for the prom.

Hey, get lost! Score some weed!

Kevin! Come on!

Oh, no, no, no. I can't.

Aww! You'll never see any of us ever again!

(ballad playing)

So, what's your new job?

Well, it's still in food supply,

but... it's a little closer to what I actually want to be doing.

Which is...?

- Oh, you wanna hear that too? - (both laugh)

Wow. We are... We are really talking here.

I, uh...

I wanna own like a little hotel or something someday.

You know, the whole hospitality thing.

Well, you'd be so good at that.

I mean, you're always taking care of everyone.

I'm really gonna miss you taking care of me.

- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm great. I'm great.

My goodbye party. I'm saying goodbye.

Why wouldn't that be great?

Okay, I'll drop it.

But you know you can tell me things, right?

I mean, we have shared a crappy cubicle wall for three years, after all.

(ballad continues playing)

Audrey...

Actually, there is something I do wanna tell you.

What is it?

Babe, we gotta go, okay?

Your boss is about to hurl and she wants me to hold her hair.

♪ Hey, what's the news? ♪

♪ And who's holding you tonight? ♪

♪ Hope he's good to you in time ♪

Oh! That is why I don't do that.

♪ I just saw you in a passing parade ♪

Oh.

Morning! Hi, Kevin.

Hey, buddy. What's up, kid?

♪ And I didn't sign the forms ♪

♪ Didn't take the right time ♪

♪ 'Cause I couldn't wait that long ♪

♪ And if you don't need a rich man ♪

♪ Pray tell, for I am here ♪

Oh boy.

♪ God's own dumb angel ♪

♪ God's own dumb angel ♪

♪ God's own dumb... ♪

Roxie: Whoo! I'm here!

Oh...! What happened last night?

Oh, I stayed with a guy

who is the cousin of a guy that I dated in high school.

Well, I mean, I was in high school,

he was just finishing up community college...

or community service. By the way, those are not the same thing.

Why is your furniture still here?

I was leaving it for you, so you wouldn't have to buy any.

- Oh, that's so super sweet of you. - No, no.

- (both grunt) - But this is the kind of stuff

you leave on the curb, and you see a drunk person passed out on it the next day.

But this drunk person is gonna be passed out on something way nicer.

Roxie, I'm feeling weird about leaving you.

I mean, you're a little too immature to be out here on your own.

- I can't believe Mom is okay with this. - I am very mature, okay?

And when Mom realizes I'm not in my room, I'll text her for sure.

Okay, I'm gonna give her a call.

She wanted to know my flight info anyway.

Kev, get on that. God, the poor woman's probably panicked.

- Ooh, hey, from my new company in Italy. - What's wrong with you?

Wait. What?

Canceled?

"Gourmet Couture regrets to inform you

"that unseasonably warm weather

"has adversely affected the truffle crop.

"As such, we no longer need

"a truffle oil and sea salt manager."

But I was gonna be the truffle oil and sea salt manager.

(hip-hop music playing)

I can't believe that job fell through!

Now I have to live with my stupid sister

and beg to get my stupid job back.

Hey, man, at least you get to reunite with your stupid best friend.

- What's up? -I bet Audrey hates me right now.

I got so drunk last night, I probably made a total idiot out of myself.

- Mmm. - You know, it's funny.

I don't know exactly what I did,

but for some reason, I don't feel like

all my feelings for Audrey are all bottled up anymore.

Oh, that's the release that comes from getting a hooker.

It's a very distinct feeling.

It's kinda like a caterpillar coming out of its egg.

I did not get a hooker. I just feel, like, at peace.

You didn't drunk-dial her, did you?

No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

Please no, please no.

(sighs deeply) Thank God.

- No calls. - Okay.

(ominous music playing)

Oh!

Email. "Dear Audrey,

- "I've wanted to get something off my chest." -(chimes)

Die, Smart Type! (grunts)

- (beeps) - (grunts)

We'll do it the old-fashioned way.

(grunts)

Garbage.

Nobody says that.

(ethereal music playing)

(lid squeaks, clunks)

(hip-hop music playing)

Oh no.

What?

Come on, come on, come on.

Yup. No! My tie.

(shouts angrily)

(tires screech)

I'm sorry, I have to...

Sorry, big fella, just gonna get...

Hi. This can probably wait. Sure.

Hi. Good morning.

I have a mail emergency.

I accidentally mailed a letter to a girl.

It was very stupid, I was very drunk,

and I really need to get it back.

Okay. I can tell you are not gonna

help me with this, are you?

Of course I'll help. No problem.

- (truck beeping) -Oh my God, thank you. Thank you so much.

You know, if you don't mind my saying,

you're not like I expected you to be.

Sassy, right? You expected me to be sassy.

Well, not all big, black women

act as if they should play a judge in a Jason Segel movie, right?

I was not thinking... Yes, I was.

- (revving) -No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no, no!

No! Please stop!

Two more seconds. I... wait, I...

There was another woman here who was gonna help me

find a letter that I accidentally mailed to a girl.

Maybe she... Could she come back?

She could. She could even eat a salad for lunch if she wanted,

but she's not going to.

So, why don't you run along, little man?

Oh, next time, just do what the rest of us do...

Text her a pic of your junk.

- You're the sassy one? - Mm-hmm.

Here's my problem... I don't have the $800

that it would take for me to get my car out of your tow yard, so...

Please, sir, don't make me beg.

Let a man keep his dignity. Hello?

- (sighs) -You look weird on that baby bed.

It's not a baby bed. It's a Utenglock Grow-With-Me.

And since you're not giving me my room back,

I had to buy the only thing that would fit out here.

How am I gonna face Audrey at work tomorrow?

Come on, what are you worried about?

She won't even have your lame love letter yet.

Oh my God, you're right. There's no way she would get her mail

before she left for work tomorrow. I can undo this!

I just have to go to her apartment tomorrow

and plead with the mailman to give it to me!

After I go into work and plead with Julia to give me my job back.

Okay, Kevin, you're like family.

No, better than family.

- You came to my intervention. - Yes, I did,

and I promise I will... be at the next one.

Mmm. You are saying all the right things.

I'll let you know.

You'll let me know. So, maybe. Okay. Thank you.

(shudders)

(snapping fingers)

Audrey: Kevin? Are you still here?

Aren't you supposed to be in Italy?

Yeah, that, uh... that job actually fell through.

Oh, Kevin. I'm so sorry.

Don't be, don't be. I don't even really like truffles.

They smell like farts.

Anyway, I think that Julia will probably let me stay

once she sees how committed to the job I am.

I'll see you later. I'm gonna take the rest of the day off.

Whoa! Uh, what are you doing?

I have a horrible headache. Julia said I could go home

if I came in early tomorrow and walked on her back.

No! No, you don't want to do that.

She... flips over in the middle of it.

I'm gonna find you some aspirin. Come on.

Here you go. Feel better,

and... and stay... Stay here.

Are you acting like a freak because of me?

Did I do something?

- (people chattering) -(Ricky whispers) Go, go, go, go!

- What... What's happening? - Everyone's hiding out.

Julia needs someone to watch her cat this weekend.

- Thanks for the heads up. - It's 23 years old.

You have to do dialysis on it.

- I'm not acting... -Do you have feelings for me, Kevin?

Wait.

What? Do...

Do I have... feelings for you?

Yeah. I didn't think so,

but I promised Brock I'd ask.

Just forget I said anything.

He's... He's being sponsored by a new protein shake,

and it's getting him really revved up.

You trying to steal my girlfriend?

- (grunts) - (people gasp)

What? Is this yours?

- (shouts) I gotta go! - (people gasp)

- (whispers) I'm so sorry. - Really?

- (tires screech) - (honks horn)

Excu... Is that my tie?

Oh, I'll take mine. 2A.

Wait. 2A... that's Audrey Piatigorsky's apartment.

- Who are you? - I need that. That's not yours.

Uh, it is so mine.

I'm her roommate, this is my mail,

and if you take it from me, that's called mail fraud.

- My dad's a lawyer. -Please, I just... I need to see one thing,

and then I will give it back. I promise.

No! You're gonna steal my identity!

My dad's a lawyer!

I'm feeling unsafe.

You give off a very sexual-predator vibe.

Me? No. No, I don't. I said please.

Okay, my dad's a lawyer. I think I know what

a sexual predator is, and you fit the profile...

Aggressive, desperate...

- Attractive. -Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing?

Are you saying you don't want me?

I'm not... I did... I didn't... I'm not... I...

(rock music playing)

It's not just your identity I'm after.

Oh. Give it to me!

- (both moaning) - Oh God!

(grunts)

No, I won't make love with you in my apartment, beast!

- (loud slap) - Aah!

- Did that hurt? - What's the right answer?

Get up!

What are you gonna do?

(vocalizing tune)

I just need some water.

Not too much. I don't want you to spit it up when we get going again.

Oh, and can you bring me one of those 100-calorie Brownie Bite packets?

- Okay. - Oh no, two!

Okay!

(cries)

No, no, no.

Babe?

Kevin.

What are you doing here?

This came for you.

(pop music playing)

Hey, guys.

Have you seen my new boyfriend?

He's cute, blue eyes... or brown eyes,

a little banged up. Looks like a model.

(giggles) I hope I'm pregnant.

♪ Down to the bottom, 10,000 emerald pools ♪

Pick up, pick up, pick up, Pick up, pick up, pick up.

- (phone beeps) - Kevin, hi, it's Julia.

Listen, after pulling some strings...

and a zipper or two... (laughs)

Just kidding, that wasn't for you...

I was able to get your job back.

So, congrats.

You can hit the ground running on the Dryerson account,

starting Saturday morning at 6:00 a.m.

(Julia laughs)

♪ Dive down deeper, still ♪

♪ All I need is you ♪

♪ You're all I need to breathe ♪

- ♪ All I need is you ♪ - (phone chiming)

♪ I make a living ♪

♪ Trying to get away ♪

♪ 10,000 fathoms ♪

- ♪ Under a tidal wave ♪ - (chiming continues)

(Roxie laughing)

Man: You don't have a kid, do you?

I saw that baby bed out there.

♪ No way! ♪

Kevin's voice: "Dear Audrey,

"I know you don't think about me in a special way

"or at all, but I think about you...

"all the time.

"You're perfect and beautiful and smart

and funny and perfect."

- Hey, babe. - ♪ All I need is you ♪

♪ You're all I need to breathe ♪

Kevin: "And one more thing... I'm in love with you."

♪ You're all I need to breathe ♪

"Madly, completely-consumes- my-life in love with you."

♪ You're all I need to breathe ♪

♪ Dive in deeper ♪

"So, have a great life, Audrey.

"And maybe in the next one, we'll meet again

"and I won't be scared to say what I feel and do what I want.

And I'd want you."

♪ All I need is you ♪

♪ It can never pull me away ♪

"And this time, I'd be the guy who gets you."

♪ Time is standing still ♪

"Until then...

"Kevin from work."