Original subtitles

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

(exciting beat music)

- Careful.

- Ryan.

I don't think I know how to French kiss

and I need you to teach me.

- Okay.

Teach you how?

- Well, demonstrate.

Kiss me and show me how it's done.

- Okay.

Wait, shouldn't you be doing this with your girlfriend?

- Oh, Evan?

She's too polite to tell me

that my kissing skills could improve

but I know she wants me to be better.

- Yeah.

- Did she say something to you?

- What?

No.

No.

She said nothing to be about you being a bad kisser.

- She said I was a bad kisser?

- She didn't but

okay, let's practice.

Kiss me like you kiss her.

(muffled beat music)

- How was I?

- Great.

- I am a bad kisser.

- Maybe you should open your mouth a little.

Relax your lips.

You wanna go from here to here.

- Okay.

- Okay, it's like you're pecking

Like, "mwuah, mwuah," little kisses.

Which is super sweet if that's what you're into.

- But that's no good.

- It's sort of like an extended version

of kissing your sister.

- Ew.

- Yeah, it's not hot.

Listen,

open your mouth, relax your lips,

follow my lead.

(somber beat music)

- Wow, that was amazing, is that how it's supposed to be?

- Yes.

You probably should've figured that out

when you were like 13.

- I wasn't kissing a lot of girls when I was 13.

- That's what boys are for.

Lifting heavy boxes and practicing making out.

- Oh, you're a wizard, I can't wait to show Evan.

Or is that too much?

- Definitely try it on Evan.

She'll love it.

So, this has been super fun and not at all boring

but I'm gonna go mingle.

Why don't you go find Evan

and show her all this fun stuff I just taught you.

- Are you kidding?

I have so many questions.

- Oh, look, my drink is almost gone.

Why don't you get me another one

and I'll go talk to people who aren't you.

- Ryan,

you're the best friend a girl could have.

- Thanks.

I know.

(exciting beat music)

- Why are we hiding away from the world?

- Because I have the good shit.

Out there, they have snickelfritz,

and this, this is 27 year old small batch Kentucky bourbon.

And I don't like to share.

Ever.

- You're sharing with me.

- That's because I'm one generous motherfucker.

I'm a god unto my people.

- This is older than I am.

How expensive is this?

- Very.

Costs more than your dignity.

- Well that's not saying much.

- Skol.

- Of course it is, it's got ice in it.

- Hey, lezlords.

Hate to break up the gay-gay meeting

but your girlfriend is out there making out with Ryan.

- Really?

- I think she's giving her kissing lessons out of pity.

- Good, let's hope it works.

- It's really sad though.

You might wanna get out there and stop her

before she embarrasses herself anymore.

- Okay.

Listen, my dad gave this to me when I quit smoking.

Very expensive.

Guard it with your life.

- Evan, you never quit smoking.

- He doesn't know that.

- You're beautiful.

Never change.

- Hey, you wanna get fucked up?

- Yeah.

- [Trista] Cool.

Have fun.

(thudding)

(upbeat music)

♪ Make your feelings lie like a feather ♪

♪ Don't let it harden in this cold weather ♪

♪ We can be better friends ♪

♪ I'm falling ♪

♪ It's not our end ♪

♪ You will see when we leave ♪

♪ Together ♪

(muffled beat music)

- Hi.

- Excuse me. (gasping)

(laughing)

Excuse me, miss.

I'd be careful walking around with two premium beverages

when this party's down to six-pack of wine coolers

and a bottle of Maneschewitz.

- We could attract some unsavory characters.

- Whose premium cocktail am I drinking?

Let me guess.

The spoiled little rich girl

whose external locus of identity needs constant validation?

- [Bridget] Validation is for parking, not people.

- Maybe the nurse practitioner and soon-to-be divorcee

who readily expounds upon the virtues of anarcho-capitalism.

- I once dabbled in anarchism myself.

Bear in mind I was 15 and obsessed with Crass.

Say what you will about the convenience of its tenets,

but at least it's an ethos.

- Perhaps you'd go for the very emo Jewish girl

in the back room who's in dire need of companionship.

- At least now we know who brought the Manischewitz.

What type are you?

- I hate to break it to you, miss,

but I am completely unavailable.

- How unfortunate.

Who is the lucky lady?

Forgive me,

I assume it's a women of whom you are speaking.

- No apology necessary.

And yes it is a beautiful, brilliant, remarkable woman.

- Tell me more.

- Blonde hair, blue eyes,

about yeah high.

She's a medieval scholar specializing in Dark Ages weaponry.

- She does sound remarkable

and also very familiar.

- Maybe you know her.

Her name is Bridget.

- That's my name.

- She's supposed to be here tonight

but I can't seem to find her.

- Oh, this could be dangerous.

She might see me flirting with you.

- Then what?

- Well, I'm sure she wouldn't want me taking what's hers.

I suppose I should seize the opportunity now

and kiss you while I can.

- I wouldn't want to put you in harm's way.

- I think you're worth the risk.

(muffled upbeat music)

- Yes, yes.

♪ A future far away ♪

♪ I'm traveling to the unknown ♪

♪ To make sure you will see another day ♪

(exciting beat music)

♪ I would wait a thousand years for you ♪

♪ I would pave new frontiers for you ♪

♪ I would trade a thousand years for you ♪

♪ A thousand years, a thousand years ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Through complication ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Through the unknown ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ With determination ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ I'll make sure you never be alone ♪

♪ I would wait a thousand years for you ♪

♪ I would brave new frontiers for you ♪

♪ I would trade a thousand years for you ♪

♪ A thousand years, a thousand years ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ I would wait a thousand years ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ I would brave a thousand years ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

(glass shattering)

(moaning)

(whimpering)

- Evan?

Evan.

- What?

- I think there's someone in the kitchen.

I think there's someone in the kitchen.

- Huh?

- Get my ax.

Help me get my ax.

(groaning)

(screaming)

Ryan!

- Oh my God.

I didn't mean to wake you guys up.

- How is she in here?

- I gave her a key and a code to the alarm system, sorry.

- [Ryan] Bridget, you look hot.

Is that La Perla?

- No, I'd rather have Victoria Secret

and an extra five hundred bucks in my pocket.

- To what do we owe the honor of your home invasion?

- Guys, this is intense.

I've been poisoned.

- [Bridget] What?

- Yeah, someone tried to dose me.

- [Bridget] Who?

- I don't know but my drink tasted really funny

and I felt really weird, so I left and came here.

- Do we need to take you to the hospital?

- No.

I only had one sip.

I just feel way drunker than I should.

- Okay, well what did you do with the rest of the drink?

- I gave it to Dov and told her to take care of it.

- Ryan, this is very important.

Now what exactly did you say to Dov?

- I told her to take care of it.

Oh no.

- We're leaving, now!

(beat music)

- [Bridget] What's happening?

- She's fucked up.

Who knows?

Rope, G, K.

- [Dov] L-M-N-O-P.

- Oh my God, it's all my fault.

(laughing)

- [Trista] I knew you idiots had a hand in this.

- I didn't know.

Someone roofied me and I gave it to Dov

and I guess I didn't make it clear.

- Trista, you're a nurse, what's the prognosis?

- [Trista] It depends on how much she had.

- Just one drink.

- Shouldn't we call the police?

I mean, we need to figure out who did this.

- [Trista] The police don't give a shit about us.

- Is that true?

- [Evan] Will she be needing medical attention?

- Just keep an eye on her.

- [Dov] You know, I can hear everything you're saying.

- How is she still conscience?

- She must've not had enough to pass out.

- I have a strong constitution.

I've built up a really high tolerance

to controlled substances.

- Get those people out of here.

- [Ryan] Party's over!

- [Trista] Everybody get out!

- [Woman] What?

- [Ryan] Get out!

- [Woman] Why?

(party members groaning)

- [Ryan] Out, come on, get out!

Out!

Everybody get out!

We have to, now!

- No, no, it's too much.

- [Ryan] Out, out, now, come on!

Come on!

(laughing)

- I don't know if I'm laughing so much because I'm so high

or because I'm dying.

- You're not dying.

- We're all dying.

- She's being fatalistic, that's a good sign.

- That's it.

Don't worry, girl.

I got you.

- Evan?

There's something really major I wanna tell you right now.

(gagging)

- Did you know they had bras in the 14th Century?

- Does that mean they also had a second base?

(giggling)

I have some news.

My father,

my father is running for Senate.

- State or?

- US Senate.

And he wants me to be campaign chair.

- Governor wasn't enough?

- For my father, nothing is ever enough.

- Must run in the family.

You have to do it.

- I will.

There's one catch.

He can't win as a Democrat again.

This time he has to run as--

- A Libertarian?

- As a Republican.

- You can't support a Republican candidate.

- I can if he's my dad.

He'll be Republican in name only.

He's a huge supporter of gay rights

and everyone knows his daughter's a homo.

- A major one.

What about women's rights and abortion rights?

And immigrants' rights?

- I'm not an immigrant.

- Your grandparents were.

- Someone's gonna chair his campaign,

it might as well be me.

- I just don't want you to do something

you're later going to regret.

- Regret it my favorite pastime.

Every day I can pass along to him

your Marxist feminist dialectic.

- Oh, I love it when you talk nerdy to me.

(chuckling)

(moaning)

- Marry me.

- I have other plans for today.

(laughing)

(moaning)

Oh, you taste so sweet.

- You taste better than being thin feels.

(giggling)

Is there another intruder in the house?

- The very same one.

I let Ryan in after you crashed last night.

She didn't want to sleep alone in her new apartment.

- We're not running a social services agency.

- I don't know about you guys but I am ready for some vodka.

Morning.

(exciting beat music)

So I get some phone call from England, collect,

and it's some nurse from some hospital

informing me that my father is on his deathbed.

- Oh, Ryan, I'm so sorry.

- I'm not.

The old bastard has been alive long enough.

I'm ready for him to kick the bucket

so I can collect my inheritance.

- I thought you guys got along pretty well.

- We had a fabulous arrangement.

He pays me five grand a month

and his embarrassment of a homosexual daughter

stays on a different continent and out of his life.

- Oh, I didn't know it was that bad.

- It could be worse.

When I graduated, his initial offer was three thousand.

- Hey, babe.

Have a nice day, ladies.

- Where's my kiss?

(laughing)

Hey, is Evan going to work?

But it's Saturday.

Wait, sorry, since when has Evan had a job?

- Since her dad's running for Senate.

And now,

she's a Republican.

- Oh my God.

She's a sellout.

What happened to our dead-dog-dyke-Democrat?

- She's rolling over and playing conservative.

And she keeps pushing me to marry her.

- I know.

She won't stop taking about it.

Don't you want to?

- Yeah.

Just

not now.

- You're gonna need some of this.

- Glad to see last night didn't put you off your game.

- What do you mean?

- You got roofied.

- Oh, right.

- Yeah.

Well,

so here's to getting married, then.

And selling out.

- Aren't those the same thing?

- [Dov] Why does the universe go through

all bother of existing at all?

- Having a bout of existential despair, I see.

- What's the purpose of life?

- That's a yes.

- Well,

most losers, present company included,

would say it's

love.

- Wrong.

Love is a capitalist scheme that is pre-packaged

and peddled to the masses.

It's the perfect racket.

It's selling dreams for cash.

- I thought you'd be happy

once Evan got you that job at the newspaper.

- Typing up engagement announcements isn't writing.

Although,

I would recommend it to our government as a form of torture.

- You are so emo.

You just need to get laid.

- Love is an illusion.

- So what is it then?

- What's what?

- [Trista] Your original question.

The purpose of life.

- I don't know.

- I do.

It's to have as much fun as we can

before we're all sent to burn in Hell.

(muffled beat music)

(knocking)

Up for some divorce proceedings?

- Nice to see you too.

- Good to be back.

I like what you've done with the place.

I guess.

(upbeat music)

And here I thought this wasn't gonna be an amicable divorce.

(upbeat music)

(thunder rumbling)

(knocking)

- Come in, come in.

I don't think you've seen this place since I've moved here.

- Business must be booming in the tattoo industry.

- This world is full of un-inked flesh.

I'm going to change real fast.

Make us a drink.

Or one for each of us.

You know what I'm saying.

- Ryan!

How are you affording all this?

- [Ryan] Oh, you now,

things are going really well at the shop

and my dad helps me financially.

- Bridget was telling me about that.

She's worried about you.

- [Ryan] Why?

I'm doing fabulously.

- Would you like to mix that with something?

- I like it straight.

Pretty much the only thing I like straight.

Have a seat.

(chuckling)

- Tell me why I suddenly feel

like I need to have a cigarette.

- I'm about to drop a truth bomb.

- In your own home?

That's an act of domestic terrorism.

Bombs away.

- Dov, you have a major problem.

- Why do I feel like I'm at an intervention?

- Because I'm interventioning you.

- Okay.

What's my drug of choice?

- I want you to know that I understand you

better than you realize.

I think about you all the time,

about what your life must be like

and I know what your problem is.

- This should be spectacular.

- You're madly in love with Evan.

(coughing)

- Evan?

- Yes.

You're in love with her.

- I'm sorry, did someone just turn on the batshit signal?

- It's like I've said.

I've given a lot of thought to your life situation

and I've had some major insights.

- Enlighten me.

- You need a girl who's gonna treat you like a lady.

- As apposed to--

- As apposed to most girls who take one look

at your bad girl persona and immediately turn into

pillow princesses and starfish.

- Starfish?

- They take their arms and their legs

and they make you do all the work.

You need someone who will open doors for you.

Put her hand on the small of your back,

grab you by the back of your head and kiss you.

All the things a girl needs to make her feel like a woman.

And you know that Evan can do that for you.

- Sounds like you're the one that's in love with her.

- Please, me?

If I wanted Evan, I'd have had her already.

Look, I get it, Evan is our fearless leader but

she's also in a serious longest of terms relationship

with my best friend.

- Ryan, there are delusional states

and there's full on psychosis.

- Prove it.

Kiss me.

- No, I'm not Bridget.

- You heard about that?

Kissing lessons out of pity?

- It got around.

A concept I'm sure you're familiar with.

- Come on.

Everyone wants to kiss me.

Unless they're in love with Evan.

- Once again, you've taken this too far.

- Let's take it farther.

This is the kind of initiative you need to show

when you're pursuing women.

(yelping)

Oh my God, if you weren't you,

I'd be totally turned on right now.

- Please, cancel my subscription to your issues.

- You're not leaving, are you?

- Well, I appreciate your attempted analysis of my psyche.

Your conclusion couldn't be further from reality.

- I know you're not telling the truth.

You can lie to me and you can lie to the whole world

but the one person you can't lie to is yourself.

- On the contrary, I exile in that department.

And, on that note, I bid you adieu.

- Apparently Cleopatra wasn't the only queen of denial.

(upbeat music)

- I miss this.

- Yeah, don't get any ideas.

- Huh?

- This is a one time thing.

A one night stand.

- How do you have a one night stand with your wife?

- Until this divorce is final, we are married in name only.

Wait,

you didn't think we were getting back together, did you?

- Gee, Paige, when you attacked me when I walked in the door

and we made mad, passionate love.

Yes, I thought maybe our relationship status was changing.

- So immature.

This is exactly why I'm divorcing you.

- What the fuck?

- Grow up.

You know better.

- No, Paige, tell me.

- Why am I divorcing you?

Maybe it's because you're never awake before noon.

Or the constant partying.

Or maybe it's the white stuff

you're constantly shoving up your nose.

- I'm a nurse.

I have to stay alert.

I keep kids alive.

- Don't hide behind the pillar of altruism.

- You just stand there and criticize me.

Easy for you,

you've never experienced that kind of pressure.

Yeah, I like nose candy.

- I should've been a bigger priority.

- Than the kids dying in the pediatric ward?

- Yeah, like when I asked you to quit blow.

You should have for us.

- For you.

Fuck, Paige, you are so selfish.

Why am I still in love with you?

- Don't ask me because I'm certainly not in love with you.

- This is heavier than I thought it would be.

(laughing)

- Oh yeah.

They didn't have refined steal yet, duh.

(giggling)

By the late 12th Century,

so the swords in western Europe had evolved

into cruciform weapons with circular wheel pommels, usually,

and normally with a fuller or bloodgroove

running down the center.

- I feel like Wonder Woman.

(laughing)

- Coffee's ready.

- Can I set this down?

- [Bridget] Only with great caution.

- Okay.

Do I act like I'm attracted to Evan?

- What? No.

Where'd you even get that idea?

- Yeah, Ryan believes I'm secretly in love with her.

- Oh, Ryan.

She certainly has a flair for the dramatic, doesn't she?

I mean, she should be writing episodes for Dynasty.

(laughing)

Unless, there's something you're not telling me.

Ryan, I worry about her.

I mean, the situation with her father.

It's like everyone's got something to hide,

like we're all keeping a secret

we desperately need to stay concealed.

- I wouldn't know anything about that.

(yelping)

(groaning)

- How is it that I can restore ancient weaponry

but I can't make a cup of coffee without injuring myself?

- Because you focus on the things you love,

like weapons and friends, with such intensity

that not pouring scolding hot water on yourself

just simply fades into the background.

- Well maybe I'm just clumsy.

- Clumsy on you is adorable.

- You would be such a good girlfriend.

Why don't you start dating, put yourself out there?

- I don't believe in the grand idea of romance.

- Well, surely you've been in love before.

- Do you know how to make the coffee with the foam or--

- Don't evade the topic.

- Ugh.

When I was in high school

there was a girl, Whitney Merritt,

she was a senior, I was a sophomore

and she would drive me home everyday from school

in a red Mustang, so I didn't have to take the bus.

She was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen

and I convinced myself that we were destined to be together

and at the end of the school year, I professed my love.

- And?

- Well, I never heard from her again.

She went to the Hamptons for the summer

and then straight to a private woman's college.

I'm still looking for her.

But not her, specifically, because that would be creepy.

But I'm looking to feel that way, I felt about her,

with someone else.

In that sense, I guess, I'll always be chasing Whitney.

- So,

this is there you got all the angst

that inspired you to become a writer.

- I'm afraid it did.

Yeah, my mom could tell I was really emotionally devastated

and we didn't have much

but she bought me this used lime green iBook

into which I just poured by soul.

- And through which you began your journey

to becoming one of the great novelists of our time.

- More like my journey to writing engagement announcements

and other forms of drivel.

What I need

is inspiration.

I'm currently stuck in writers' gridlock.

- Maybe

what you need is to, you know.

- Get laid?

Yeah, that seems to be the consensus.

- Hello, ladies.

- Aww.

(chuckling)

- Hello, dear.

Productive day in zee noo Germany?

(laughing)

- What is it?

- Something medieval.

(gasping)

Time for Middle East peace conference.

- Oh, okay.

- I have to marry Bridget, now.

- Why?

Did you get her knocked up?

Kidding.

What's the rush?

- Dov, when you meet the girl of your dreams

and you look into her eyes,

you'll understand that the most important thing

is never letting her go.

- I wouldn't know anything about that either.

- I'm gonna kill myself.

- It's only coffee, Evan.

Oops, you did it again.

Who is she?

- An intern at my father's campaign headquarters.

- I hate cliches.

How old?

- She's in college.

- Not what I asked.

- 19.

- Whoa, you like to play low numbers.

- I like to win.

- It's not a casino.

- It's a game, it's all a game.

- I'm just thinking that if you can't stop screwing around,

you should probably let Bridget go and find someone else.

(groaning)

- I just need her to marry me.

- [Dov] Do you really feel that marriage

is gonna make you stop cheating on Bridget?

- Yes.

Hey, this girl, she didn't touch me.

It' a one way street, you understand?

- Well you're driving down it in the wrong direction.

What's your philosophy, Evan, eating isn't cheating?

- It's entirely historically inaccurate.

And I love it.

(giggling)

- My baby.

- I guess I'll wear it all the time.

(somber beat music)

♪ Float around in silence ♪

♪ Hanging on a dream up here ♪

♪ Float around in silence ♪

♪ Hanging on a dream up here ♪

♪ Float around in silence ♪

♪ Hanging on a dream up here ♪

- Hey.

- [Bridget] Hey, did Dov leave?

- No, she left right after we ate.

- I didn't notice.

- Thank you.

(chuckling)

- "Your eyes are blue torch light.

"Ice-kissed frost fire.

"My wasted heart melts there."

- You know, it's cute,

like a middle school love note or something.

- "Ice-kissed frost fire?"

You wrote this for me?

- No, you wrote it for me.

Oh shit, or didn't you?

- Evan, that's not even my handwriting.

- You're saying you didn't write that.

- Where did you find that?

- Just in the kitchen, just over there.

- Somebody wrote it.

Looks like you have a secret admirer.

- They're out of luck because I have eyes only for you.

(exciting beat music)

(moaning)

(phone ringing)

- No, no, no.

(phone ringing)

- But.

The answering machine is full.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

- Hey, Bridget.

Is Evan there?

- Evan Dever.

- Evan.

It's Ryan.

I'm locked out of my house.

- What time is it?

- Please.

I was out partying with these Iranian guys.

No offense.

- None taken.

- And we were doing blow all night

and I got that feeling, you know?

The one that says "leave now."

So I got out of there but my keys aren't in my clutch

and I don't wanna go back alone.

I thought maybe since you're Arab--

- Iranians are Persian, not Arab.

- Oh.

Oh, right.

- Don't worry about it.

- I think you can reason with them since you're,

you know,

Middle Eastern.

Please come get me.

- I'm on my way.

- Do you speak Arabic?

- No.

(moaning)

- Hello?

(moaning)

(somber beat music)

You were so good at reasoning with them.

Evan Dever, you're my hero.

Do you wanna come inside?

Stay up and party all night like the old days?

- I have to be at work in three hours.

How'd you afford this?

- My daddy hates me.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- I live next door, I'm Misha.

- Evan.

- Are you Ryan's new girl?

- Oh no, we're good friends.

- That's what they all say.

Can you light me one of those, cowboy?

- How about I give you this one, cowgirl?

- Thanks.

- Think nothing of it.

- You're up late.

- Oh yeah, we were just--

- Wanna come over to my place, hang out?

- I have to be up early.

- Okay, well, you know where to find me.

- Hey!

Come on!

(faint beat music)

(sniffling)

- You know, cocaine is God's way of telling you

you have too much money.

- I don't need God to tell me I'm rich.

- You need to be careful.

I've seen a lot of pretty girls

ruin their looks with this stuff.

- Well it's a lucky thing I don't plan on living past 30.

- You have some on your nose.

- It's okay, I'm gonna keep doing it.

God blessed me with good looks and cursed me

with the knowledge that they would one day fade.

- There's no reason to rush prophecy.

- How come you and I never got together?

- We've been over this.

- Come on.

We'd be so cute.

- Because a player can't get played.

(groaning)

- Which one of us is the play in this scenario?

- We both are.

Additionally, I happen to be madly in love

with you best friend, whom I also plan on marrying.

- What's with you saying "whom" all the time?

I went to the same school as you and I can't do that.

- I was paying attention in class.

- I doubt you even showed up.

- I finished four years in three

and never even cracked the text book.

- Show-off.

I'm cold.

Get on the bed.

(chuckling)

I don't know, it's just

nice having someone like me for me.

- Bridget likes you for you.

- That's different.

She's not a boy.

You're a boy, Evan.

That's why I called you.

I wanted a boy to take care of me.

We have the best group, don't we?

You're the king, Bridget's the queen.

I'm definitely the princess.

- What are Dov and Trista?

- The court jesters.

Hey, Evan?

- Mhmm?

- There's something I need to tell you.

- You can tell me anything.

- You're right.

I can always count on you.

Hey,

can you stay?

At least until I'm asleep?

- That won't be for a few days.

- Fair point.

Do you think you could at least sleep here tonight?

I'd feel a lot safer.

- You're paranoid from all the coke.

- Do you think Bridget will mind?

Because I could call her right now and tell her.

- Bridget forced you to give her kissing lessons.

She'll be fine.

- Hey, Evan?

- Mhmm?

- I love you.

- You too, sweetheart.

- And not in a gay way.

(huffing)

(upbeat music)

- No.

No, no.

No, no.

(screaming)

(sighing)

(muffled yelling)

(phone ringing)

- Dov isn't here right now,

would you like to leave a message?

- Where the fuck are you?

You know how much this party means to Bridget.

- What time is it?

- Were you asleep?

Were you dreaming of Evan?

- I hate myself.

- You love someone who doesn't love you.

And I thought writers didn't like cliches.

- It's not so cliche that I hate myself.

- Hang on.

- Dov, you know how much this party means to Bridget.

- [Ryan] That's what I said.

- I'm dying.

- You're not dying.

You just can't think of anything better to do.

- Tell her to take some Gas-X.

- Get dressed and get the fuck over here.

- The king has spoken.

(somber music)

Hello?

(exciting New Wave music)

- Oh!

You look amazing!

This is hilarious!

(laughing)

Where's your costume?

This is not good enough.

- Whatever.

- Oh, Ryan.

- You need to wear your glasses.

- Oh, they make me look like a nerd

and they're historically inaccurate.

(laughing)

- Dov is coming.

- Oh, thanks for calling her.

I didn't realize she wasn't here.

- So, apparently my dad

is in some kind of induced-coma state.

I don't get it, I thought in Europe they had laws

where they let people die.

- He wants that?

Euthanasia?

- Youth in Asia?

What do they have to do with it?

(upbeat music)

- Hi.

- Dov.

- Time for a Mid-East summit?

- I need to unburden my conscience.

Do you take confessions?

- Do I look like a priest?

- You look poor and celibate.

- Close enough, what's up?

- My intern, now she says she's in love with me.

I have to see her every day.

I don't know how to handle it.

- Why don't you be a big boy and stop committing adultery

with your teenage subordinate?

- It's not adultery unless you're married.

Until Bridget accepts my offer,

I have no reason to decline any others.

- I'll tell you what.

Say three Hail Mary's, four Our Father's

and pray that there's a God

that will absolve you of your sins.

- You know what I like about you?

- Can't wait.

- You always tell it like it is.

You never lie.

You're a straight shooter.

- Not so sure about the "straight" part but.

(exciting New Wave music)

- Hey, over here!

I want you to meet my neighbor's daughter.

She's Jewish too.

Misha!

Misha!

Misha,

this is Dov, I was telling you about her.

- I like your haircut.

- Thanks.

No one ever says that.

- Really?

- That's the first thing I noticed.

- Spectacular.

I like your bonnet.

- Ummm.

Truth.

- Hmmmmm.

What are your numbers?

- Well,

I knew I was a lesbian in high school

but I didn't come out until college,

which is where I met Evan.

But then I Puerto Rico to live with my dad for a few years

and they're really conservative there,

but I kept in touch with Evan,

so eventually she offered to pay for grad school

if I came back.

- So, what's your answer?

- Just Evan.

Just one.

- [Trista] Uh-uh.

No, you're lying.

- [Ryan] She's not.

She would've told me.

- [Trista] Do you think about other women?

- Well, I mean yeah, I think about other women

but I love Evan.

- Wow, that's super deep.

(chuckling)

- Okay, so...

Who's next?

- Ryan.

- Yes?

Dare.

- Kiss Evan.

- Fuck yeah.

(laughing)

My turn.

Dov, truth or dare?

- Truth.

- [Ryan] You sure about that?

- No.

Dare.

I choose dare.

- [Ryan] Kiss Evan.

(laughing)

- [Dov] No.

- Kiss Evan.

- Nope.

- [Ryan] That's your dare, you have to do it.

- I'm not.

- Why?

Is there something wrong with Evan?

- [Dov] I just don't want to.

Give me another dare.

- That's not how it works.

Do you think I wanted to kiss Evan?

- [Dov] Yeah, I think you did.

- Poor example.

- Oh, come on, you're gonna make her feel bad.

- Stop, she doesn't have to kiss me.

- Yes she does.

If I'd welched on every dare I got in high school,

I wouldn't be the woman I am today.

(laughing)

- I think you're arguing against your own point.

(faint beat music)

Awwww.

- [Ryan] Good job, Evan.

Was that so bad?

- [Trista] Oooooh.

(laughing)

- There.

Bridget, Evan, thank you for having me.

- Come on!

You're not leaving!

Come back!

Come back!

- Awww.

Bye, Felicia.

(laughing)

Well, that was a play full of awkwardness.

- It was like being kissed

by a 12 year old virgin of myself.

(laughing)

Gotta disinfect.

- Drink it, drink all of it.

Kill the bottle, kill it.

(laughing)

Here, here, I got you.

(laughing)

I'm just gonna lick it up.

- Hey, wait up!

- What were you thinking?

- I did you a favor.

- You humiliated me.

I'm not in love with Evan!

What's it gonna take to get that through

your pretty, little skull?!

- Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Maybe one kiss from your lips is all it would take

and Evan would decide to leave Bridget forever.

- If only.

Aren't you the one who's supposed to be looking out

for her best interests?

- What makes you think I'm not?

- Where'd that come from?

- I had lunch at Evan's office last week.

I got a look at Evan's intern.

More specifically, I got a look at the way

Evan looks at her intern.

I don't know if she's done anything or not

but I know Evan and I know people

and I know that the one thing

that people never, ever do is change.

Listen, this had been a little too much reality

for one night.

I like substances and I like abusing them.

- I don't know, Ry.

- Some dweezoid left a mondo of Purple Urkel at my place.

It's yours for the taking.

As am I.

- Purple Urkel?

- I cordially invite you to night of bad decisions

and debauchery at my apartment.

(sighing)

- Then I cordially accept but I'm still mad.

- I can live with that.

- Are you gonna try to seduce me again?

- Depends, do you want me to?

- Yeah

(laughing)

(exciting New Wave beat music)

(gong ringing)

- Hey, Jew bu.

- This isn't Buddha, this is Shiva.

- I thought you were in an exclusive relationship

with the God of Abraham.

- I took an Asian Philosophy class in college.

I didn't understand a word of it but

it was graded on a curve so,

I passed with flying colors.

- And what brought on this bout of religious bi curiosity?

- Trying, again, to write my novel

and failing, again, to come up with a single word.

- And how's this ritual helping you?

- Clearly, you understand nothing about the writing process.

- I saw Paige yesterday.

- How'd it go?

- I didn't talk to her.

- You can't keep standing outside your old house

and spying on her.

- Why not?

- What are yo afraid of?

- Dying alone.

- I think we're in the same boat.

More like a sinking ship.

Except, I've long accepted the fact

that the woman who owns my heart

will never return my feelings.

- Which bitch are you in love with?

- That's between me and my God.

Which God, I haven't decided yet.

- If you're obsessed with some unobtainable girl,

you have to profess to her your love.

- I'd rather keep writing engagement announcements

for the rest of my natural born life.

- So much irony in that.

- You could offer me a million dollars to write a book,

right now,

I wouldn't be able to come up with a single thing.

- I know what you need to write a book about.

Write a book about a group of lesbians

who are constantly creating

unnecessary and neuritic problems

to keep them from dealing with their terrifying problems,

like reality.

- Come on.

No one would read that.

- I'm getting a promotion at the museum.

- That's so great.

- And I might even be getting a fellowship in Romania.

- Are you still gonna have a big, gay Republican wedding?

- I don't even wanna think about it.

- Can I be a bridesmaid?

No one's ever asked me to be a bridesmaid.

- I'm just so

unsure.

- But you and Evan have a fairytale romance.

- I love Evan, I do.

"Ice-kissed frost fire."

- What?

- Nothing.

Okay.

Someone wrote Evan an anonymous love note.

- Oh my God.

That's so pathetic.

- You don't know anything about it, do you?

(muffled beat music)

- So good.

Where'd you learn to make coffee like this?

- Late nights in stuffy museums,

a person will resort to desperate measures.

- Desperate measures is my area of expertise.

- Hey, Ryan, how's your dad?

- Still hanging on, the old bastard.

- I'm worried about you.

You don't seem bothered that your dad is going to die.

- I'm very bothered.

Once I collect inheritance, it's gonna put me

in an entirely new tax bracket.

- That's the other thing.

You seem obsessed with getting his money.

- Once I become rich,

I mean, rich rich,

I'll never have to work another day of my life.

I'll just be tattooing for shits and giggles.

Evan's paying your tuition for grad school, right?

- Yeah, but it's just temporary.

When I get my career going, I'm gonna pay her back.

- And you're not paying rent to live with her?

- I try.

I insisted, actually, but she wouldn't hear of it.

She refused to take anything from me

because we're in love.

- What a world.

- Yeah.

The world is crazy, right?

- No.

I meant, yours.

(video cassette player buzzing)

(upbeat music)

- I'm thinking June 1st.

That'll give you enough time to prepare.

You'll have a wedding planner to assist you, of course.

- I just got a promotion, I barely have time as it is.

- I'm thinking a garden wedding.

I can see it now.

Our lesbian nuptials will be

the Republican social gathering of the year.

- Do you want a wedding ceremony

or a political gathering worthy of CNN coverage?

- I can see it now.

The Republicans can sit on my side of the isle

and since your family isn't coming, sorry,

anyone who are Democrats appear can sit on yours.

- Ugh.

I've been, okay, do you mind if I say something?

Offensive?

- Just when I thought this conversation

couldn't get any more interesting.

- Okay.

Okay.

Look, I've never seen a white Arab than you.

I've never seen a whiter person than you.

I mean, it's all too easy with your golden locks

and your fair skin to avoid discrimination.

- What about you?

You think in a million years anyone would think you were gay

from looking at you?

Because that's what I have to live with.

Every person who sees me sees a dyke.

- It's not a competition.

- My point is that this is a case

of the pot calling the kettle white.

- As sure is the day is long,

they will fuck you.

They will fuck you and me

and every gay and lesbian and brown and black person.

You are delusional if you think

you're gonna come out ahead on this.

- Now tell me how you really feel.

- Come on.

- Bridget, this is just background noise.

Let's get married and start

an exciting new chapter in our lives.

- Do you know many happily married people, Evan?

Because I don't.

(sighing)

This house is falling apart.

- You know, I think you wanted to redo the house

so you threw that Halloween party

knowing how much damage it would make.

(laughing)

- We need to redo the carpets.

The walls need new paint.

- I need to get an estimate on the foundation.

- Yeah.

Let's fix the foundation first.

♪ Play the movie ♪

♪ I want you to smile ♪

♪ Shut out all the worries ♪

♪ Dream away for awhile ♪

♪ The look you had in your eyes back then ♪

♪ We'll pretend ♪

♪ It's 85 again ♪

♪ Play the tape ♪

♪ Make me feel like I'm whole ♪

♪ Take me back again to see the look of that crow ♪

♪ The power of love is back on the screen ♪

♪ I will have ♪

♪ 85 again ♪

(exciting beat music)

- Ryan, your hands are shaking.

- It's freezing in here.

Would it kill you to pay your heating bill?

- Just.

No, don't stab out my eye.

My insurance plan sucks!

- [Ryan] Damn!

- [Dov] How's your dad?

- Ugh, he won't die.

Did I tell you why I became a tattoo artist?

It was to punish him.

I got this fancy degree in art history

that cost him a fortune and now I use it

to give people something they're regret

for the rest of their lives.

Like he regrets having me.

Bridget, you are so beautiful.

If I were you, I wouldn't give a second thought

to the intern at Evan's office.

You're much prettier than she is.

Oh, excuse me.

- It's like a "don't do drugs, kids" PSA.

(exciting beat music)

- Attention!

Attention!

Ladies and gentlemen

and everyone else.

I have an announcement!

Bridget!

Bridget!

Where are you, baby?

I know most girls,

I know most girls lose their virginity on prom night

but tonight, I'm hoping that my true love

will make an honest fella out of me.

- She's wasted.

- This has been burning a whole in my pocket for weeks.

Bridget, will you do me the extraordinary honor

of becoming my bride?

- Evan, you're drunk.

- Sapphire to match your eyes.

- There's something we need to talk about first.

What are we gonna do about

all your late nights at the office?

- What do you mean?

- I'm talking about all the special attention

you've been giving your intern.

(groaning)

- You told her!

Why would you tell her?!

- [Bridget] Evan, stop, let her go!

Tell me what?

- I wasn't me!

- She didn't tell me anything.

You just told me everything.

- It's all right.

She's always like playing hard to get.

(upbeat music)

- Hey, it's all right.

It's not a party until something gets broken.

- Yeah, like my neck.

(upbeat dance music)

- Thanks for letting me stay here.

I really didn't wanna go home tonight.

- Are you sure you wanna stay here?

I can take the sofa, no problem.

- I don't wanna do that to you.

I don't wanna kick you out of your bed.

- I mean, it's actually totally okay.

- What is that?

- Oh.

That.

That's a long story.

Also the closest thing I've had to a woman in my bedroom

in a long time.

Well, in this house in forever.

- As long as it's not a sex doll.

- What?

Oh no, that would be weird.

- Weirder than having a mannequin in you bedroom?

(laughing)

- When I was in college, I was a creative writing major

who was thoroughly invested in her art

and in hopes of attracting young ladies

I came up with this backstory

that the reason my dad spiraled into alcoholism

was because he lost his job in a mannequin factory.

- I bet the ladies couldn't resist.

Was any of that true?

- Only the alcoholism part.

Oh.

I didn't mean to go there.

While we're on the topic,

would you care for a bourbon?

- Sure.

Oh, "A The Dummies' Guide to the Dark Ages."

I didn't know you were into medieval stuff.

- Yeah, that's.

- "Let me show you how a kiss should taste."

- Not ready for anyone to see that.

- Ah, still in utero?

(giggling)

Do you have a book full of photos or Ryan somewhere

or maybe a secret stash of photos

on each one of your friends?

- No, you're my one and only.

- "Your eyes are blue-torched light."

- "Ice-kissed frost fire."

- [Both] "My wasted heart melts there."

- It was you?

- Yeah.

- You wrote that for Evan.

- No, no.

I wrote that for you.

For you to find.

When you're alone and you think no one's watching,

you get this look on your face

and I always wonder what you're thinking

because you look so sad

but your eyes, they just,

they turn the most remarkable shade of blue.

- You notice that?

- Bridget, nothing about you has ever escaped my attention.

- Maybe if you stare at her house long enough,

she'll decide she doesn't want to divorce you anymore.

- That's what I'm hoping.

- This is technically trespassing.

If we end up in jail, I'm gonna miss Black Friday.

- [Trista] Calm down, you'll be out by Cyber Monday.

- What's that?

Hey, Trista?

Can you spend the night at my house?

- What's up with you being afraid of your apartment?

- Evan says it's because I'm paranoid from all the coke.

Hey, can we talk about something?

- Shit.

- [Ryan] What's going on?

(Trista laughing)

- Oh, look.

Oh no.

No, no, no, no.

She's with someone.

- No way.

- That bitch.

- Maybe that's her sister.

I really hope that's not her sister.

- I've had enough.

- Trista, no!

- Let go of me.

(groaning)

I want to go fight her.

I'm gonna fight her.

Jesus Christ, you've got freakish coke strength.

(groaning)

Here we go, you're coming with me.

(groaning)

I gotta go.

(shushing)

Oh my God.

- I'm performing an intervention.

- Jesus.

- Don't move.

- [Trista] Get off me!

- You may be stronger than me

but I am meaner.

And you are not going into that house.

(sighing)

- Evan's always been the one, you know?

I never even had any other girlfriends in high school.

Believe it or not,

I was kinda of a geek.

(giggling)

Sometimes I do wonder,

I think to myself,

"What if Evan hadn't picked me up that night?"

I don't necessarily subscribe to M-Theory or String Theory

but the very possibility of a multiverse

has got to make you wonder.

- Well, if you hadn't been with Evan, we never would've met.

- I thought I'd be angry, furious, upset.

Instead, I just feel...

Emptiness.

Speaking of emptiness.

(sighing)

- The reason I spend so much time around Evan

is because wherever she is

you are there too.

- Huh?

- And I think the reason I'm not seeing anyone

or looking to meet anyone is because

to me you are perfect.

- Oh my God.

- Since the moment I met you

I've been

secretly,

madly,

in love with you.

- How could I not have seen this?

How could I not have seen you?

- I wish I could just

cut you into a million pieces and scatter you across the sky

and count you like stars.

- I think that

is the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me.

(exciting New Wave beat music)

- I've loved you since the moment I saw you.

Not a day's gone by I haven't dreamed of this!

(smacking)

(gasping)

- I'm sorry.

I don't know why I did that.

- You're a goddess.

(exciting New Wave beat music)

(huffing)

(huffing)

(laughing)

- My bra. (giggling)

(exciting New Wave beat music)

(moaning)

- You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

(dramatic beat music)

(ambient music)

Hey.

- Hey.

Wait.

I wanna see you.

There you are.

(giggling)

(moaning)

(knocking)

- Trista?

- [Evan] It's Evan.

(gasping)

- How is she here?

- No one locked the door!

Hold on.

(thudding) Shit!

(groaning)

Hold on one minute.

- A thousand pardons

for my behavior last night.

I know you are not the one who told Bridget.

I know you wouldn't do that.

- Hey.

Now is not the best time right now.

If you know what I mean.

- Oh shit.

You have a girl back there?

(laughing)

- Yeah, I can't wait to tell you all about it.

- I gotta tell you, I always wondered about you.

I thought maybe you were one of those straight girls

who pretends to be gay

because she thinks it makes her more interesting.

- Evan, you have no idea.

- Oh.

Hey, just confirm for me that it's a woman in there.

- This isn't what it looks like.

- It looks like you fucked my girlfriend.

- That's exactly what it looks like.

- You know it wasn't her idea, Evan.

- I know that if we fight, you'll win,

but I will inflict as much damage on you as possible

before you bring me down.

And you will have to kill me

before I let you go anywhere near her.

- You got a lot of, what is that word you people use?

Chutzpah?

Yeah, chutzpah.

- Stop it, Evan.

- Do not speak to me!

Do not ever come back to my house again.

I don't ever wanna see your face.

(somber beat music)

- Hey.

Hey!

- Hey, sleepyhead.

- What time is it?

- Time for me to go to work.

I'll be in so much trouble if I'm late again.

- How long have I been here?

- Hello, since we got back.

- Wait.

We went to Paige's, you tackled me

and why don't I remember anything after that?

- We came back here and you were super upset

and I have some diazepam, so--

- How much did you give me?

- You asked for a loading dose.

- Fuck.

- And I don't play so I got out these old pharmacy textbooks

and I asked you your weight and I added 20 pounds

because I know I always take off 20 when anyone asks me.

- I gotta get out of here.

- I wouldn't do that.

Oh no.

Like I said, a loading dose.

Up we go.

(groaning)

- This is why my wife left me.

No one should have to live like this.

- I decline my invitation to your pity party.

- This is like "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane."

And I'm baby Jane. (laughing)

- If the rule that you followed led you here,

of what use was the rule?

(groaning)

(laughing)

- You dare get existential on me now.

- You're Monday-morning quarterbacking your entire life.

- Shoot.

(Evan grunting)

(gasping)

You scared me.

- I had your things sent to you.

- Yeah, well, you forgot some of my weapons, so here I am.

I thought you'd be sleeping.

- I've reverted to my old schedule.

Sleep by day, live by night.

- What about your job?

- Oh yeah, I haven't been going.

- Why?

- My dad took a contribution from an organization

whose leader once said that gays should be rounded up

and thrown off cliffs.

- Are you quitting?

I moved in with Ryan.

- I heard.

Will I also be footing the bill

for your share of Ryan's rent?

- I don't have to listen to this.

- Sweets,

you couldn't ignore me if you try.

- Don't throw that in my face!

- What?

That I've been paying for your Ivy League education?

Or that I have supported you for years

and I've only asked you for one, one thing, in return?!

- How could I marry someone who did what you did to me?

- I did nothing to you!

- Yeah, that's right,

you were too busy doing it to someone else!

- You let Dov fuck you!

I know it wasn't the other way around, pillow princess.

You've always been more of a taker.

- You have fucked everyone and everything

and you've been doing it since the day we met!

And I,

I loved you too much to admit to myself

what I knew to be true.

- Love me or you needed me?

Which one, Bridget?

You love me?

It's very easy to be taken care of, isn't it?

Makes it so much easier not to see the things

you don't want to.

What changed it for you?

What made you go, "You know, I've had a really great time

"not having to work for anything

"but now I think I'm gonna get rid of

"good old reliable Evan."

- I fucking love you!

I've loved you since I was 18 years old.

Not a day has gone by since

that you haven't been the love of my fucking life!

I know you're a cheater, I know you screw around.

That is why I wouldn't marry you!

- I will stop fucking around when I have tangible proof

that you're not in this for a free ride.

- You had something better than tangible,

you had something real!

- You're discussing us in past tense.

Doesn't get any more real than that.

Shut up for a second.

Shut the fuck up.

Or maybe it was your guilt that was real.

- And why would I feel guilty, Evan?

- I've always been there for you when no one else was.

Maybe you were guilting yourself into staying with me.

- Stupid.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

You are telling me that you've been fucking around

this whole time because you thought

I felt I owed you something?!

That I was using you?!

And all you had to do was ask me and I woulda told you

that none of that was true!

I love you.

I love you! I love you!

I love you!

Say

something.

- Good luck in the real world.

(smacking)

(chuckling)

- This is the part where I leave you.

(faint beat music)

"The Shipwreck Diaries.

"A Novel by Dov Dolenz."

You wrote a book?

(laughing)

- Yeah.

- Let's go read it.

- Okay.

- Dov.

- Yeah?

- This is amazing.

- Are you sure?

I mean, I've had women say that before

but I haven't always trusted their sincerity.

- Yes.

This is so exciting, I mean, you wrote a book.

- I'll be back to writing engagement announcements tomorrow.

- Yeah, maybe, but this book is gonna be big.

When did you do this?

- The last three nights I just stayed up.

It was pouring out of me.

It was you.

Bridget, I couldn't have written this if it wasn't for you.

- Dov.

(moaning)

(huffing)

- Can I be godmother to your finger babies?

- Very funny.

(moaning)

I need to share this book with Ryan.

- No

- I gotta show her.

Yeah, yes, yes, yes.

(sighing)

I'll be back.

(sighing)

Ryan, Dov wrote a novel and it's really good.

- "The Shipwreck Diaries."

I loved that when I was a kid.

- This is Dov's book.

- Gotta split.

One of my friends is waiting on me.

Have I got any messages?

Is my dad dead?

(giggling) Dad-dead.

- Ryan, are these the new friends

that Evan had to save you from?

- Oh, that Evan, telling tales out of school.

- She's falling apart.

- Hey, even the Sistine Chapel is crumbling.

- Yeah.

Dov,

your book.

- Second thoughts.

Not as great as you thought it was five minutes ago?

- It's amazing.

It's just the characters,

it's us, right, the gang?

You, me, Trista,

Evan, Ryan?

- Yeah but I'm not anticipating any lawsuits.

- And I'm Kahlan

and you're Cara?

- Pretty obvious, huh?

- And Kahlan and Cara,

they wind up together in the end, right?

Specifically moving in together and getting married.

- Oh, right, but Bridget, it's just a book.

I've been up the past two days, three days.

It's all artistic license.

- I know.

I just need you to understand,

I just got out of a really bad situation.

- Is this what you think this is, a bad situation?

- No, no.

It's wonderful.

But it's still a situation.

- Oh.

Okay.

- That night, when I found out you'd written

"blue torch light" for me,

and then you wrote another poem on the spot

and beautiful words were just coming out of you.

Beautiful words always come out of you.

I just got so lost in everything that you were saying

and in everything that you are.

- And I'm really good in bed.

- It's easy to fall in love with someone.

Falling out of love,

that is a lot harder.

- It always comes back to Evan, doesn't it?

- I wish...

I...

I wish I could forget.

But...

She's been the love of my life.

- Okay.

I understand.

You gave me the inspiration.

I got the book but I lost the girl.

- You are gonna get so much more out of this book

than you ever would me.

- I respectfully disagree.

- I don't wanna lose you.

I need you.

(crying)

- I need you too.

(faint dramatic beat music)

- Nobody understands the rules for the Brat Pack.

The rules for the Brat Pack are, A,

starring in either "St. Elmo's Fire"

or "The Breakfast Club,"

and B, being in at least one other movie

with anther Brat Packer.

So that's eight people.

Judd Nelson,

Rob Lowe,

Molly Ringwald,

Anthony Michael Hall, Emilio Estevez,

Ally Sheedy, Andrew McCarthy,

and last but certainly not least,

Demi Moore.

- Who didn't make the cut?

- Mare Winningham.

Mare was in "St. Elmo's Fire"

but never in another movie with another Brat Packer.

- Mare Winningham.

Who is he?

- Oh my God, I don't even know why I talk to you.

- Whenever you start talking about pistachios and inter--

- Pastiche and intertertextuality.

- Right, intertertextuality.

It sounds like a new sexual orientation.

- If you were on the Table of Elements, you'd be moron.

Yeah, it's me!

(crying)

- Is your phone hot?

- Evan?

Evan?

Evan?

Evan.

Evan.

Hey.

Evan!

Come on, wake up!

Evan.

(sighing)

(gasping)

I had to.

- Why are you here?

Again!

Fuck!

Nice, She-Ra.

- It's invaluable, okay?

I couldn't leave it in the car.

- It's nice to know you cherish something so dearly.

- Why haven't you been taking my calls?

- I'm focused on the future.

Not the past.

- This isn't about me and you, Evan, this is about Ryan.

She called me while I was at the museum, crying.

She said the debt collectors are coming to take away

all of her stuff tomorrow.

- I thought she was loaded.

- I don't understand it anymore than you do but

she said she's gonna lock herself in her bathroom

and drown herself in the bathtub.

- That is literally an impossible thing to do.

- Well we have to do something.

- This is not am MP.

It's a YP.

Your problem.

- Evan, what's wrong with you?

This is Ryan.

She needs our help.

(jiggling)

Oh, I gotta get this off.

Get this off.

Oh, my baby.

Thank you.

- Bridget.

- What?

Ryan?

- Stay away!

If you come any closer, I'll jump.

- Oh, for the love of.

- Ryan, sweetheart,

we've all been there.

Remember that time I crashed my dad's Delorean

and decided to drink myself to death?

You stayed up all night with me feeding me edamame.

- We're gonna call the police if you don't stop this.

- I'll throw myself over the railing

before you even get to the phone.

- Maybe threatening her wasn't the best idea.

(doorknob jiggling)

- What the fuck is it now?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

- You invite Dov to Ryan's nervous breakdown?

- [Bridget] I called everyone.

- It's a real party.

- How is she?

- Ryan, you're scaring us.

- Leave me alone.

- Honey, look,

at that distance, with your weight at that velocity,

you'd be more likely to break your legs than die.

- [Evan] Keep talking to her like that

and she'll definitely decide to kill herself.

- Honey, why don't you let us just,

you look so tired, we'll come up there and talk to you.

- I heard you wrote a book.

- Yeah.

Wanna read it?

Evan, don't mess around!

- Evan, stop it, that's priceless.

I mean, invaluable.

- Me or the sword?

- Fuck, it's turning into Hamlet in here.

I hope they all die in the end.

- You stole the thing I love most.

- Maybe if you hadn't treated her like a thing,

I wouldn't have been able to.

- Evan, you can do tens of thousands of dollars

worth of damage to that sword.

- Okay, she's worried about the sword.

- I'm not concerned with consequences anymore.

Thanks to your little pep talk.

- What did you say to her?

- Maybe I told her I was leaving her for good

and then maybe I hit her?

- Okay, okay.

She's armed like a knife and pushed to the brink

and I fucked her girlfriend.

- Any last words, Dov Dolenz?

- I love her.

I love her.

I love her.

(gasping)

- There is no peace in the Middle East.

- This could technically be construed as a hate crime.

- This is an act of war!

(yelling)

(gasping)

- I think you may have anger issues.

- You don't need to worry about anything.

Not where you're going.

(yelping)

(screaming)

(whimpering)

Fuck!

Fuck!

(Evan gasping)

(screaming)

(gasping)

- Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Oh my God!

Just...

Just let me have a look at it.

- No!

None of you bitches touches me!

- Evan?

Are you okay?

- Me?

I'm fit as fucking fiddle.

- [Bridget] You have a knife in your back.

- Yeah, I gathered.

- Dov, call an ambulance.

- Where's the phone?

- Should we pull it out?

- No!

- [Bridget] What have I done, Evan?

- Oh, shit.

(Bridget crying)

(whimpering)

(groaning)

That's better.

What's wrong?

Did you run out of money?

We can help you.

- It's not that.

It's my dad.

- Did he die?

I'm so sorry.

- No, that fucker's alive and well.

He was never really sick.

I made the whole thing up.

- Why would you do that?

- He cut me out of his life.

Not just financially.

Completely.

- What happened?

- His daughter is a lesbian.

I fuck women and that is enough to make him hate me.

He disposed of me.

He's not dead.

I'm the one that's dead.

Dead to him.

- Honey, you could've told us.

- I was too embarrassed.

So I said he was dying.

It seemed easier.

I was just so ashamed

and now I'm angry at myself

for feeling ashamed.

It should be him.

He should be the one who hates himself.

Not me.

- You know,

when we're growing up,

when we're kids,

we know there's something different about us.

- Yeah, I knew I liked girls from the age of five.

I've always been ahead of the curve.

- When we know there's something different

and we can't put words to it.

That turns into self-loathing.

Then we get a little older

and we realize that society doesn't accept

the parts of us that make us different

and that self-loathing turns in to shame.

- I'm stronger than that.

- I know you are.

You're a tough cookie but

you can't fix what your family and society did to you.

You can't un-fuck up a kid.

- I'm not getting five thousand a month anymore.

I had some money saved up.

I spent it all.

I just wanted the hurt to go away.

Who does that?

What kind of man turns his back on his daughter

just because she's gay?

- You don't need him.

Okay, you have me and those three losers downstairs

who would do anything for you.

Ryan, the four of us would die for you.

Fuck your dad, he's not your dad.

Evan's your dad.

And us, we're the rest of your fucked up family.

- I'm just so confused.

Everything hurts.

I'm so

totally

lost.

- Well,

with those words,

I officially pronounce you

a grownup.

- Did you know I always wanted to make you coffee?

The way you do it with the foam.

I was gonna surprise you once, you were at the museum,

you were gonna come home and find it.

I tried but I failed.

I threw it all out and never told you.

- I called an ambulance.

Oh, shit.

- I don't like doing things I'm not good at.

- Evan,

this is for the pain.

Okay.

- Fuck, this jacket is vintage.

- [Trista] What the fuck happened here?

- [Evan] Bridget stabbed me in the back.

- I know, sweetie.

- No, this time,

I really did stab her.

(laughing)

- Jesus.

- Dov called an ambulance.

It should be here soon.

- So, Ryan tries to commit suicide

and you three bitches find a way

to make it all about yourselves.

- Is that one of Bridget's ancient daggers?

- I believe so.

- If that thing is 500 years old,

you're gonna have one hell of an infection.

- Do not forget your dying king.

- Is she gonna die?

- No, baby, but I'm about to pass out from the pain.

- Goodnight, sweet prince.

May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

- So what have I learned after all this time?

After all the fucking and partying.

Lying to friends, lovers, myself.

Playing this sick game in this sick world,

filled with liars and cheaters and depraved miscreants.

I'll tell you what I've learned.

One thing, and one thing only...

I fucking love being gay!

- Hey, Evan, are you still there?

- Yeah.

- I thought you were about to pass out right then.

- Yeah, that would've been the perfect place to do it.

- Yeah, yeah, right at the end of that speech.

(groaning)

- [Trista] Now she's passed out.

- It's true what they say.

Timing really is everything.

- Oh, the ambulance is here.

- Yay.

Evan won't die.

Can I ride with her to the hospital?

I should probably get my stomach pumped.

Can I take out the knife now?

- [All] No!

- [Bridget] Where's your coffee machine?

Does anyone want some coffee?

- Bye, losers.

Good to see you.

(faint beat music)

- How's the shoulder?

Still sore?

- Nothing that copious amounts of alcohol

and Vicodin can't cure.

- Same old Evan.

- I quit my father's campaign.

- When were you gonna tell me?

- When I finally mustered the ability to say

you were right.

You remember when I told you

about not liking not being good at things

like making coffee and saying I'm sorry?

But as for the coffee, I came up with a solution.

Instant coffee.

(muffled beat music)

Bridget,

I'm sorry.

- Evan,

this is oatmeal.

- What?

(giggling)

- You made me oatmeal.

This is instant oatmeal.

(laughing)

- I'll never stop loving you.

- Ditto.

- Things are looking up for me.

I got promoted from writing engagement announcements

to writing obituaries.

- That's super.

That's like the best news ever.

So great.

So, tell me more about the newspaper, please.

Where's Trista?

- [Bridget] Dov, come over here.

- Oh my God, this conversation has to end.

So much suck.

(muffled beat music)

- So, I couldn't help but notice

you to have been avoiding each other all night.

My parents pulled the same act for years.

- You're taking a position at a museum in Romania.

Seems like you're the one going to extremes

to avoid conflict.

- True.

But I am confused.

I love you both.

But I need time for myself.

Cliche?

- A little.

- So,

friends?

- Eh.

- [Dov] Okay.

- Fine.

- [Trista] Bridget?

- Crazy fuck!

- Republican bitch!

Jesus Christ.

- Well, fags, I'd stay

but I'm afraid you'd as me to help clean up.

I'll miss you, kid.

- No you won't.

- I'll miss the excessive drama you bring to my life.

Next week, Hanukkah party, my place.

I'm gonna bust out the Bong Mitzvah.

Goodnight, homos.

- I should probably be going too.

Early flight, long flight.

You coming, Ry?

- I wish I was coming?

Get it?

No?

No, I'm gonna stay up.

- I'll take her back.

- Okay, well,

I am going to go Benadryl myself to sleep.

See you in the morning.

- Bye, babe. - Yeah.

- I'll walk you out. - I'll walk you out.

- You did try to behead me.

- I'll see you in half a year.

- Just try to stay out of trouble.

- What's the fun in that?

- I know you have something to say.

- Cheeky monkey.

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

- So not to sound arrogant or anything, you know,

but I am gonna be gone for six months.

What I'm saying is,

if you meet someone.

- No, I get it.

- I packed your poem.

It's in my carryon.

"Ice-kissed frost fire."

I wish I could be like you

and have the right words.

- I wish I had the right words right now.

(engine rumbling)

(groaning)

(sighing)

- So I have this friend

and she really liked her best friend's girlfriend

and she thought she'd be a much better fit

for her friend's girlfriends

than her friend

and so she set into motion

a series of events that would lead to them breaking up

and it took a really long time

and a lot of really manipulative behavior

but eventually this girl's plan worked.

- What happened?

- What do you mean?

- What happened?

- What do you mean?

- Did your friend end up with her best friend's girlfriend?

- I don't know.

That remains to be seen.

So,

what do you think of all that?

Do you think my friend is a bad person?

What?

- Survival of the fittest, right?

(laughing)

- Yeah.

Totally.

(sighing)

- Is there someplace you'd rather be?

- Than here with you?

Never.

- Why'd you do that?

- Because I knew you wouldn't.

- I imagine you want to get back at your father.

I would excel in that capacity.

(upbeat New Wave music)

(knocking)

- Do you love me?

I know you'll say yes and I'll take you at your word but I--

- With every beat of my wasted heart.

- I see it now, it's true.

- Yes.

♪ Our bodies intertwined ♪

♪ You're doing that thing you do ♪

♪ Something's on your mind ♪

♪ Restlessness and worries for ♪

♪ A future that's unknown ♪

♪ But I traveled through both space and time ♪

♪ To make sure you will never be alone ♪

♪ I would wait a thousand years for you ♪

♪ I would brave new frontiers for you ♪

♪ I would trade a thousand years for you ♪

♪ A thousand years, a thousand years ♪

♪ We head into the night ♪

♪ And fade into the streets ♪

♪ As rain on the city falls ♪

♪ The taste is bitter sweet ♪

♪ Restlessness and worries for ♪

♪ A future far away ♪

♪ I'm traveling to the unknown ♪

♪ To make sure you will see another day ♪

♪ I would wait a thousand years for you ♪

♪ I would brave new frontiers for you ♪

♪ I would trade a thousand years for you ♪

♪ A thousand years, a thousand years ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Through complication ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Through the unknown ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Determination ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ I'll make sure you'll never be alone ♪

♪ I would wait a thousand years for you ♪

♪ I would brave new frontiers for you ♪

♪ I would trade a thousand years for you ♪

♪ A thousand years, a thousand years ♪

(giggling)

♪ I would wait a thousand years ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ I would brave a thousand years ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ I would wait a thousand years ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ I would wait a thousand years for you ♪

(somber New Wave music)

- I'm laughing already, I can't.

(laughing)

Turn around, Mike!

(laughing)

- I think but I can see.

- [Woman] It looks like you're just crazy.

- Sweet prince

and flights of angels.

(laughing)

- [Woman] Welcome to Girl-Girl Scene.

- I just want to make sure I'm holding it right.

(laughing)

(coughing)

- You're up late. - Thanks.

- [Trista] My mom's freaking out about the body slam.

I know we're being careful.

♪ There's one thing ♪

♪ That makes me come alive when you're by my side ♪

- Fuck!

♪ Together with me ♪

♪ We don't sleep ♪

♪ I want you to smile ♪

♪ Shut out all the worries ♪

♪ Keep away for awhile ♪

♪ The look you have ♪

- As long as you literally don't see my ass.

My ass is out.

♪ Make me feel like I'm whole ♪

♪ Take me back again to see the look at that crow ♪

♪ The power of love ♪

♪ Is the back on the screen ♪

♪ I will have ♪

♪ 85 again ♪

(man laughing)

- [Evan] What? Let me see.

- [Man] I was just filming Jerry.

(mumbling)

- We got the tools and we got the knowhow.

- [Man] Okay, what was the next scene?

- [Bridget] Bedroom.

Me waking up.

(laughing)

- [Ryan] I got it too late.

Like I couldn't debut it earlier in a different scene

but now it's in the movie.

(laughing)

(exciting beat music)

♪ Play the movie ♪

♪ I want you to smile ♪

♪ Shut out all the worries, keep away for awhile. ♪

♪ The look you had ♪

- [Man] Action.

- You're still here?

It's over.

Go home?

Shoo.