Original subtitles

Freaks and Geeks S01E05 Tests and Breasts (VO)

"Puberty usually begins between the ages of 11 and 14,

"when profound hormonal changes occur.

"The onset of these changes is the function

of a small gland called the pituitary.

"This gland sends chemical signals throughout the body,

"most notably resulting in height increase,

and hair growth in the genital area."

Hey, hey! Knock it off!

You think this is funny? Just try me.

OK, all right.

Here is a female reproductive system.

"The uterus is composed of 2 main parts..."

What the hell is that?

You think she's single?

- Looks like it's from outer space. - Shut up.

Weir!

You have something to say?

When you get the clap 'cause you weren't paying attention in health class,

is that gonna be funny, too?

I didn't think so.

"The cervix. It has a fine canal running through it

opening into the cavity of the uterus above."

Didn't Sigourney Weaver kill that thing in Alien?

Quiet.

"During pregnancy..."

Remember when it popped out of the guy's stomach?

Idiot, it jumped out of his chest.

- Shut up. - All right, Weir!

Since you seem to know everything, I got a great idea.

Why don't I shut my big mouth, and you come up to teach the class.

Sorry.

I said get up here.

Get up here! Let's go.

Oh, uh, excuse me, Dr. Love?

Can you show me where the ovaries are located?

- Ovaries? - Ovaries.

Sorry.

Uh, cervix? Cervix.

Cervix.

Cervix says no.

Hey, all right... Pachoski, you want to go help him?

The vagina, Weir, the va... Easy one, easy one.

Basic stuff, guys know it. Go ahead, point to it.

I don't know.

All right, mr. Weir,

instead of yucking it up in class, you might want to pay attention,

or you're going to have a very difficult life.

OK? Sit down, Dr. Love.

Dr. Love.

At least I didn't get head lice.

Thanks for those, Tricia, they were de-licious.

Hey, good game on Saturday, Eddie.

Jennifer, I've been hearing some terrific things about you

from my sources in the English department.

As you were.

Hey, Brad. Haven't seen you in a while.

- Stop by the office. We'll rap. - Sure thing, Mr. Rosso.

Peace, brother.

Rock on, Kirby.

OK, Mr. Desario, it's time for your favorite class.

OK, come on, people, simmer down.

Come on, let's go.

This is my time, not yours.

Hey, chatty Cathy, you sit on the furniture at home?

OK, a reminder about tomorrow's test.

It's tomorrow.

Uh, Kowchevski?

Desario.

Didn't we take a test last week?

Your point?

Well, I just don't think you've taught us enough in the past week

to give us another test.

OK, people, in math,

every week you build off

what you learned the week before.

I mean, it's like a bus. And you keep missing the bus,

you're never gonna be able to catch up.

But, uh, I don't ride the bus, sir.

Yeah, flunk another test, Desario,

and you just might have to come back here next year

and ride the bus with me again.

... so the guy looks up at her, right, and he says,

"how do you think I rang the doorbell?"

Oh, man, that's so raunchy.

- I don't get it. - What's to get?

Jocks don't know how to tell jokes.

Do you get it?

I don't really like jokes. I don't think they're funny.

I mean, maybe if we understood it, it would be funny.

- They were laughing pretty hard. - Trust me, they're idiots.

It's not funny.

Hi, Sam.

Hi, cindy. How are you?

- I'm good, and you? - Uh, pretty good.

Are you going to the muscular dystrophy carnival?

- I'm in charge of the ice cream booth. - Yeah, I heard about that.

Oh, hey, Dr. Love, hey, I can't find my girlfriend's cervix.

Can you help me out?

OK, what was that all about?

Oh, that was just... an inside joke.

Anyways,

if you need another volunteer for the ice cream booth,

I'm around.

Well, thanks, but Betsy's already doing it.

But make sure you stop by, though.

- OK. - All right, see ya.

Hey, Tommy, are you coming to the muscular dystrophy carnival?

Excuse me, Dr. Love?

Would you autograph my genitals?

I took 20 bucks from my mom, right?

But she thought it was my brother.

She completely went nuts on him, hit him over the head with a spatula.

- I mean, it was hilarious. - Sounds it.

God! You bastard! Why'd you do that?

I don't know.

God, what are you, lit or something? You know? Jeez!

- I'm sorry. Mellow out, all right? - How do you like it?

Now I gotta walk around all day with pop on my shirt.

You know? Thanks a lot.

I get these weird urges sometimes.

I should probably go apologize.

Are you OK?

Kowchevski says if I flunk this test tomorrow

I'll have to take algebra again.

Do you think you might flunk it?

No, I'm definitely gonna flunk it.

Do you take algebra?

No. I took it last year.

I take trig.

You must study a lot.

Math isn't this big deal that everyone thinks it is.

It's just a few basic formulas and some shortcuts,

- and then you plug in the numbers... - Shortcuts? You mean, like, tricks?

You could call them that.

You could definitely do it if you wanted to.

Oh, yeah, I know.

I mean, if I study, I could do it.

It's not like I'm a bus driver.

It's just, you know, it doesn't interest me. It's so lame.

But do you really want to be in Kowchevski's class again?

Hell, no. I'd rather be in jail.

Well, I could help you study.

It could be kind of fun.

So the guy says, "how do you think I rang the doorbell?"

- So it is funny. - What does it mean?

You guys are so young.

You're only a year older than we are.

Yeah, come on, Harris, what does it mean?

He doesn't get it, either.

Oh, I get it.

Then tell us.

- I can't. - Why not?

- 'Cause then you'd know. - So, that's the point, isn't it?

You have to find out for yourselves.

That's why we're asking.

I told you. He doesn't know.

If I didn't know, would I be with Judith here?

Harris, you're so bad.

Love is like homework.

You got to study if you want to get an "A."

So then the guy says, "how do you think I rang the doorbell?"

- Do you get it? - I don't.

Dad?

You know who's funny? That Red Buttons.

- Who could that be? - Oh, that's Daniel.

- A friend from school. - I'll get the door.

It's dark out, and you're a... a girl.

Hi, is Lindsay here?

Yeah.

OK, so... how do you want to do this?

I don't know. I've never done this before.

OK, well, in your textbook...

Did you bring your textbook?

I probably should have, huh?

Man...

Screwed up already.

No, it's OK.

I think I have mine from last year.

Great.

You know, there's these practice tests in here,

and they're kind of helpful.

Just talking about studying makes me want to take a nap.

Hey, wait, what are you doing?

What?

You can't smoke in here.

I... I mean, I don't care.

It's just, my parents.

Right, I'm sorry.

I got an idea.

I'll go outside and smoke this,

and when I get back,

blaze through those tricks of yours.

What you got there?

Nothing.

Nothing?

What's that?

Let me see.

These types of books just make me think of all the crap

that can go wrong inside you.

Why you reading this?

I'm taking sex ed with Mr. Fredricks.

He embarrassed me in front of the whole class

just because I'm a little bit behind when it comes to that sort of stuff.

Yeah, I know how that goes.

You do?

You're not gonna learn anything you can use from a book like that.

- I'm not? - No.

I tell you what.

I'll find you at school tomorrow. I'll set you up.

With what?

Don't worry. It's cool.

So, let's try a different one.

How do you solve this type of problem?

- Use the quadratic formula? - Exactly.

And what is the quadratic formula?

"x" equals...

Negative "b,"

plus or minus... the square root...

When you told me you were gonna teach me tricks, I thought you meant real tricks.

What do you mean, like magic tricks?

I mean yeah, well, sort of.

Right now you're kind of just teaching me math.

Yeah, but you're gonna get it.

I know, but I can't learn all this.

The test is tomorrow.

There's no way.

I... I don't know what else to do.

- I'll be cool. - Really?

Hey, I'm sorry for wasting your time.

No. You didn't.

You wanna do something?

Well, I don't think I can. It's a school night and everything.

Are you sure you're OK?

Yeah, fine.

- See ya. - Good luck.

See ya tomorrow.

The Hulk could kick the Thing's butt any day.

No way! The thing could definitely take the Hulk.

Even if the Hulk could beat him, all it has to do is wait

till the Hulk turns into Bill Bixby again and cream him, no problem.

- You know, you're right. - Hey, Weir.

Come here.

I got something you might be interested in.

Check it out, but don't lose it.

I want it back.

All right.

Don't open it here, man.

I don't want it getting confiscated, know what I'm saying?

All right.

Confiscated?

Come on, let's go.

Hey, chump. I need your help.

Come here.

Come on. I need to get something out of this classroom.

If you see Kowchevski coming, you just bang on this door, all right?

Hey, don't screw me over. Look alive.

I'm alive, man. You don't have to hit me.

All right.

I'll be out in a second.

Hey, Nick, what's up?

Oh, hey, what's up, Sarah?

Did you hear Danielle and I were gonna sing Super Trouper at the talent show?

Yeah, we're gonna dress up like ABBA.

ABBA, huh?

They're from... Switzerland, right?

No, I think they're from Sweden, actually.

What are you doing?

I'm, uh... thinking about ABBA.

Yeah, I'll talk to you later.

All right. Well, uh, talk to you later.

I think I'm getting a wart on my wrist.

Jesus, man, this algebra test is crazy.

- What language is this? - How do you get rid of a wart?

Hey. I'm trying to think here, OK?

I'm sorry, man.

It looks like some kind of movie or something.

Let me see that. Let me see it.

Hang on.

Oh, my god.

It's a naked woman.

- What's she doing? - Who cares what she's doing?

She's naked.

It's a dirty movie.

You mean, like a porno?

Oh! Eww! Give me that.

What am I supposed to do with a porno?

You watch it...

Over and over.

Only perverts watch pornos, right?

Well, then every guy in America is a pervert.

The meaning of that joke is right here.

How am I supposed to watch it? I don't even have a projector.

Well, I do. Give it to me.

After school today, we go to my house,

and we watch this movie from beginning to end.

Agreed?

OK.

I ganked the test.

Wait. What?

I stole it from Kowchevski's office. He's got no clue.

I need your help. I can't figure any of this out.

I can't.

Sure, you can. This stuff's easy for you.

No, I mean...

- I shouldn't. - Why not?

Don't worry.

I'm not gonna be hitting you up every time I have a math test.

I promise.

So for this one...

Look, I don't mean to be uptight,

but it's just...

Why don't I talk to Kowchevski?

What? Why?

I'll ask him for an extension.

He gave me one once. He likes me.

I'll tell him I'm tutoring you and you're getting the hang of it,

but you just need a little more time.

Wouldn't it just be easier to fill out this test?

Let me talk to him, OK?

Forget it. That dirtbag's not gonna get an extension.

But I was working with him last night, and he's really learning.

Daniel's the kind of student

who needs more attention, you know?

No. Daniel's the kind of student who needs to just disappear.

Excuse me?

Look, he wastes my time. He wastes class time.

And now he's wasting your time.

Well, no, he's not wasting anybody's time.

I mean...

isn't it your job to teach him?

Lindsay...

I know Daniel is cute with his bedroom eyes

and his stringy hair,

but he's a loser. And losers pull down winners.

Now...

You're a smart girl.

Don't let your hormones get in the way.

Excuse me.

Where's that test?

- In my jacket. - Let's go.

. 74 times 23... Put that in parentheses.

And x equals 19y,

and y equals 8.

Damn, it's weird you can do this in your head.

Like a brainiac or something.

Thanks.

I can't wait to see Kowchevski's face

when he hands this back to me. This will blow his mind.

Yeah, but, Daniel, this isn't over, right?

I'm gonna tutor you, and you won't have to steal any more tests.

Yeah. I know. No. I know.

I'm gonna be, like,

a guy with one of those things.

An abacus?

7y4x equals 9...

Come on, people. This is just a test, not a death sentence.

If you're prepared, you got nothin' to worry about.

Congratulations.

Turns out your friend Daniel didn't need that extension after all.

He got an "A" on the algebra test.

Yeah, well, I told you I helped him study.

Did you help him cheat?

I've got an anonymous note that says you did.

Well, I didn't. I didn't cheat.

I think you did.

We'll deal with this tomorrow.

You're in a lot of trouble, young lady.

Why were you talking to Mr. Kowchevski?

Are you joining the mathletes again?

Jeez. Sorry I asked.

You have popcorn?

Bill, this is a porno. You don't eat popcorn during a porno.

This is taking forever.

We could've made our own porno by now.

Do you want the projector to eat the film

and have that Daniel guy kill you? 'cause, I mean, we can do that, too.

All right. There.

- Kill the lights. - Aye, aye, sir.

Here we go.

How'd you like to come home to that every night?

He's in good shape.

Oh, my god.

This is... weird.

That guy's got the best job in the world.

Hey, you think there's any short porn stars?

- I'm so dead. - What did you tell Kowchevski?

- Nothing. - Did you tell him that we cheated?

He could see it all over my face.

Then it's not over.

Anonymous note? That means nothing. Get in.

As long as we don't, you know, admit it, they got jack on us.

You want to deny it?

Yeah, definitely.

- Daniel, I don't... - Listen, Lindsay.

You're good at math. I'm good at this sort of thing.

And when something like this happens, you deny everything.

But I'm not a good liar.

Lindsay, I got you into this. I'm gonna get you out of this.

But you gotta trust me.

We're in this together.

So, you want me to thread it up again?

I'm goin' home.

Are we gonna go to hell for this?

I don't wanna go to hell.

Hey, Sam.

You hardly touched your chicken � la king. Aren't you hungry?

I had a really big...

snack at Neal's.

After school.

May I be excused?

OK. But we're having chocolate coconut squares for dessert.

Maybe later.

All right, sweetie.

- Of course. - He's at that stage.

Yes, I understand totally. All right. Good-bye.

You went through that. You wouldn't eat a thing.

That was Mr. Kowchevski on the phone.

Apparently, my daughter is now a cheater.

She cheated on a math test. Now she's facing suspension.

My aunt Sally. Lindsay!

It's not true.

You're a good student. I don't understand why you would cheat.

She's hanging around with the wrong crowd.

They're lying and cheating, and, next thing you know,

she's Patty Hearst, and she's got a gun to our head.

- Dad, I just told you it's not true. - Maybe I don't believe you.

You don't even ask me my side of the story?

You just jump to conclusions and start yelling at me?

God, that is so sick.

You know... fine.

Believe what you wanna believe.

I don't even care. Whatever.

You know, thanks for all the support.

So then the guy says to her,

"how do you think I rang the doorbell?"

It's a pretty good one, huh?

I need to talk to you.

Some of the mathletes have been saying things...

About you.

Yeah? Like what?

There's a rumor going around... that you cheated on a math test.

I told them that's impossible.

Even though Lindsay's not a mathlete anymore,

she would never break the league's code of honor.

Yeah? Well, guess what, Millie?

I did cheat.

I lied and I cheated, and then I lied some more.

You're funny, Lindsay.

I knew it wasn't true.

So...

Anyone see Dukes of Hazzard last night?

It was a good one.

Yeah. Boss Hogg is really funny.

What's goin' on, guys?

All right, I'll see you later. Bye.

Hey, Sam.

What do you want?

Well, I was just wondering if you could help me out with the ice cream booth

'cause Betsy can't make it to the carnival.

Well, it turns out that I can't make it, either.

Oh, that's too bad.

I'm a little busy right now, so...

Yeah, OK. Sure.

I'll see you later.

Wasn't that great,

when the Dukes handcuffed Roscoe, Enos, and Boss Hogg together?

That was... really funny.

Is there anything you want to tell me before the meeting this afternoon?

Just... I didn't cheat.

You know...

Something like this happened to me when I was in high school.

- Got a minute? - I guess.

I felt bad for this kid. Bruce Conforti.

So I'd kinda "help" him on biology tests.

OK, we cheated.

But after a while,

I realized he was the one being cheated,

out of something priceless...

Knowledge.

So one day, I just told him,

I'm not gonna do that anymore. And...

He studied and he got all As on his own?

Close. He beat the living crap outta me.

And when I say, beat the living crap outta me,

I mean, the living crap.

All I did was help Daniel study.

I trust you.

Hey, Kim. Where's Daniel?

I don't know. Beats me.

We have a disciplinary meeting after school.

You nervous?

You know, don't worry about it.

Daniel gets out of stuff like this all the time.

Well, I shouldn't feel bad, right?

I mean, Kowchevski is a jerk, and I'm gonna tutor Daniel,

and he'll pass the class. Everything's gonna work out, right?

I'm sorry.

You think that you and Daniel are gonna be, like, study buddies?

He wants to learn. And what about the next test?

He'll just get the answers from somebody else.

He always does.

You ready to stick it to the Man?

Partners in crime? Give me five.

Hey, don't leave me hangin'.

All right.

Another thing they do is the old cop trick.

They'll get you alone, and they'll tell you I confessed.

But don't believe 'em. I'll never confess, OK?

Well, I'm going to.

- I can't keep lying. - Why not?

What is this, some kind of game to you?

You already got me to cheat

and to lie to my parents and to Mr. Rosso.

I know, but... Why stop now? We're almost home free.

All right. Lindsay. Lindsay, I understand.

You care about your grades and your transcript.

But if you get suspended, it goes on your transcript.

Then you really will be screwed.

You're manipulating me.

What?

You're manipulating me.

- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.

And you know, it's really hard to say no to you, but I have to.

I'm sorry. I can't go in there and lie. I'm not going to.

- Fine. Don't lie. - What?

No, let's go in there, and we'll tell 'em what we did.

What's the difference?

You'll get a nice slap on the wrist,

and I'll get, what, suspended? Expelled?

That is not fair, Daniel.

What do you think, I want to be terrible at school?

You think I like it?

I wish I was as smart as you. I wish it all came easy to me.

But it doesn't.

You know, when I was... When I was in sixth grade,

they told us when we got to junior high,

we'd be either in track one, track two, or track three.

Track one's the smart kids, track two's the normal kids,

track three is the dumb kids.

And what do you think I got?

How do you think it feels...

to be told you're dumb...

When you're eleven years-old?

You are not dumb.

I just wanted to prove him wrong...

Just once...

Even if I am cheating.

"If a pregnant woman has sex, can the baby get... Poked?"

Hey. Hyenas!

Can I get through one question without you guys gettin' hysterical on me?

Listen, sex is perfectly safe for the fetus.

It's not gonna come out with dents on its head like a golf ball or somethin'.

I mean, Dellage got poked in the eye.

I'm kidding. Kiddin', Dellage.

Listen. Chapter 13 in the text tomorrow for a pop quiz.

Whoop! You didn't hear it from me.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

In my office?

Sure.

When I was goin' through these questions,

I was a little disturbed by yours.

How did you know which one was mine? I thought...

I thought it was anonymous.

You're the only one with Star Trek notebook paper.

Where'd you find out about this..."activity"?

I saw a movie.

OK. I see.

Well, you know...

In movies like that...

They sensationalize certain things...

But in reality, those things don't usually happen.

You know what I'm tryin' to say?

All right. I'm gonna tell you the truth. Plain language.

But listen, you can't tell anybody we had this conversation.

Your permission slip for sex ed doesn't cover this stuff.

I could get in a lot of trouble for what I'm gonna tell you.

All right?

Fair enough.

Certain men... Not me...

Torture over. We're done.

But just... just... I mean,

those movies... It's not reality.

OK? If it was reality, I'd be freaked out myself.

- Thank you, mr. Fredricks. - No problem.

All right. Get outta here, cowboy.

I have just one more question.

What is it?

Could you explain this joke to me?

So, there's this guy with no arms and no legs...

If you want to tell the truth, it's cool.

Whatever you want.

Daniel, let's just stick to our story.

When we get in there... Let me handle it. OK?

Well, I'm cheesed off right now, and I don't care.

Hi. We're Lindsay Weir's parents.

Mom... Dad. What are you doing here?

Honey, we...

We felt terrible about last night.

You've always been truthful with us, so we never should've doubted you.

Nobody falsely accuses my daughter!

Honey. Shh.

It's OK. I mean, it happens.

Not to members of this family, it doesn't!

I want to give this Kowchevski joker a piece of my mind.

Your father even closed the store.

Now, let's be patient, try and hear everyone out,

Be a team. We don't actually know that anyone cheated.

I do.

Well, fine. Unfortunately,

an anonymous note isn't sufficient proof.

- There is no note. - There's no note?

No. I use this as a ploy sometimes to get a confession.

How do you expect to have real relationships with these kids

- if you're lying to them? - Let me tell you something.

I knew kids like Desario in Vietnam.

Those were the kind of kids that got you killed.

Everyone's here.

And if she says she didn't help this kid cheat, then she didn't!

She tutored him, and it worked.

Yeah. You shouldn't be punishing her.

You should be paying her for doing your job.

Harold, it's recently come to my attention

that there was no anonymous note written.

- There was no note? - No. It was a fraud.

- I apologize. - See? I told you.

But we're still not entirely convinced these two didn't cheat.

So you want to punish my daughter, but you have no proof.

Look, Mr. Weir, it should've never come to this.

I've talked to Lindsay. I know she didn't do anything.

Daniel, did you... Cheat on this test?

Good. Then I'm satisfied.

You're satisfied? I'm not satisfied.

- Give it up, Frank. - I took off work for this?

- I apologize for the inconvenience. - No, no, no. Hold on a second.

I've got an idea.

I have the algebra test that Daniel took.

If he can do the first problem,

I will not only get down on my hands and knees

and beg everyone in this room for forgiveness...

But I'll quit. I will resign.

I'll never teach again.

That'd be a start.

I already took the test. You can't make me take iagain.

Yes, I can.

Come on, Daniel. One problem...

And this all goes away.

- Come on, son. - Go ahead, Daniel.

Just need to use the quadratic formula.

See? Look at him go.

I'm sorry if I was acting...

weird... at lunch.

Were you acting weird?

Well... anyways...

It turns out that I can go to the carnival.

So, I mean, if you don't...

If you still don't have a scooper, I'm available.

Jeanine already said that she was gonna.

But we can always use another scooper.

And, look. Grab a brush.

Thank you.

So, what time should I be there?

Well, I don't know. It starts at noon,

so maybe you should come at 11:00.

AM? PM?

12 noon.

He's got a problem. That's all.

What is that?

That... is a student that Mr. Rosso believes in.

Led Zeppelin is actually the name of a popular rock band.

I know who Led Zeppelin is!

What the hell's goin' on here? Are you kidding us with this crap?

Lindsay, you lied to us?

Do you have any idea how much money I'm losing?

Look, don't blame Lindsay.

It's not her fault.

It's mine.

She was just tryin' to help me. Nobody else ever does.

What do you think, I want to be terrible at school?

You think I like it?

I wish I was smart, you know? I wish it all came easy to me,

but it doesn't.

You know, when I was in sixth grade,

they told us when we got to junior high,

we'd be either in track one, track two, or track three.

Track one's the smart kids,

track two's the normal kids,

track three's the dumb kids.

And what do you think I got?

How do you think it feels to be told that you're dumb

in ink when you're eleven years old?

I mean... where are you supposed to go from there?

Look. She's as high as a kite!

- My daughter is not high! - Harold, what is going on?

- I thinks it's a nervous reaction. - I don't know what's happening.

Tense situation. I don't...

Track three!

Lindsay, what's going on?! Will you... Stop laughing?

- You started all this. - No, I did not start all this!

This school is the wrong school for my daughter!

I asked him to do one question. He could not even do one question.

She's a track one girl!