Original subtitles

Freaks and Geeks S01E03 Tricks and Treats (VO)

All right, here's the bet.

For 10 bucks...

I'll drink this much of anything.

Anything?

Anything.

As long as it's something you can eat.

Only stuff from the kitchen. Nothing from the bathroom and the garage.

OK.

It has to be food.

Nothing from under the sink.

No cleanser, no detergent, no furniture polish...

And no cut up bits of sponge.

OK.

I'm just trying to win 10 bucks here, I don't wanna die.

All right, now, put on...

the blindfold.

I don't want to mess up my hair.

Great. And now, step into the soundproof booth.

I'm trusting you guys.

OK, put in some mustard, it'll make him barf.

I don't want to make him barf, my mom cooks dinner in here!

If we're not trying to make him barf, then, why are we doing this?

I can hear everything you guys are saying.

Come on, Bill. Quit listening.

Can't help it.

Then hum, so you can't hear us.

Cayenne pepper!

Good one! Pass me the pickle juice.

You know, my cousin once drank an entire jar of pickle juice,

he had to sit on the toilet for ten hours.

Oh, God, that's nasty.

This is going to be great.

Salt...

Sardines...

That's got to stink.

Oh, man!

Vinegar.

Vinegar!

Soy sauce.

Soy sauce!

Chili!

For texture.

It's disgusting!

Exactly!

And just a little bit of jelly.

Some dairy cream...

And... to top it all off,

a couple of after-dinner mints.

Mix it up.

Oh, God.

It's bubbling!

It's disgusting.

It's show time!

Let me see the money first.

Come on, drink up already.

Don't rush me.

It's not bad.

I'm gonna be sick!

Hey, look!

Maple Farm Realty gave everyone in the neighborhood free pumpkins.

Wasn't that nice?

There's nothing nice about it, it's a cheap way to get customers.

They give you a 20 cents pumpkin, you give them a ten grand to sell a house

- Some deal. - Well, I just think it was nice.

Can I have the prize?

My bowl... my prize.

Come on.

Sam, what are you trying to do? Kill me?

Sorry.

Sammy, what are you going out as, for Halloween?

I'm not going out. Bill and I are gonna see The Nude Bomb.

Hey, that's a dirty movie.

Dad, it's a Get Smart movie.

You're not going trick-or-treating?

Mom! I'm in ninth grade.

I know, but you went out last year.

Yeah, well last year, I was in junior high.

- Yeah, but Sam... - Honey.

The boy's 14, he can miss a night of walking around the neighborhood

begging like a tramp.

Halloween is for little kids anyway.

Lindsay, you're still going to hand out candy with me, aren't you?

Remember how much fun we had last year,

looking at all the little kids in their costumes?

Yeah, Mom, I told you I was going to.

Well... good!

'Cause we're going to have a really good time this year, I promise.

Hey, Lindsay. Long time no see.

I saw you guys here yesterday.

Why are you wearing a hat?

It's the day before Halloween.

It's your costume?

It kinda sucks.

No, it's Devil's day.

Each year, the seniors bring a hair removal foam

and spread it on freshmen's heads.

- Then all your hair falls out. - Really?

No! That stupid rumor has been around for years.

Yeah, I know, I was just goofing on them.

No, you weren't.

Yes, I was.

- Hey, Lindsay. - Hey, Millie.

What are you doing tomorrow night?

My church is having a Halloween dance. You want to come?

Well, I would go, but I got to hand out candy with my mom.

OK.

You want some Lick-M-Aid?

No. You're going to eat candy now?

Millie, it's 7:30 am.

It's just Lick-M-Aid. It makes my spit taste Like fruit juice.

Hey, check it out, it's Lindsay.

What's up?

Hey, Daniel.

Hey, Kim.

Hello, brain.

Oh, this is your bus stop?

Yeah.

We've had the same bus stop since kindergarten.

How fast does your car go?

150, if I hook up the nitros tank.

You car is really loud.

My dad says you need a muffler.

Once, he even threw rock at you as you drove by.

But... I guess you didn't hear it.

He threw a rock at me?

Kid, what the hell are you eating?

Laundry soap?

It's Lick-M-Aid. Want some?

Millie!

I'll pass.

Yeah, we gotta get going.

I'd give you a ride, Linds, but I got the engine blocking the back seat.

Yeah...

Thanks for the candy, skinny.

See... My dad's right.

He needs a muffler.

You're going to Sarah's party tomorrow?

Yeah, but I think I'm going to Jenny's first.

If it isn't the Amelia Earhardt of McKinley High.

What does that mean?

Well, you're headed to class, but you never seem to get there.

Mr. Rosso, could you not humiliate me in front of the whole school?

Come on, Lindsay, don't turn me into The Man, here.

Just trying to help you. And if when you graduate,

it turns out I did help you but you hate me,

I'm OK with that.

I gotta get to class.

See, it's working already.

Embarrassing.

That's the only word I can think of

to describe these books you've chosen to do your reports on.

Al Jaffee's snappy answers to stupid questions.

A novelization of Star Wars.

Yes, I can,

the autobiography of Sammy Davis Jr.

Crime and Punishment is a good example

of the kind of book you should be reading now.

In it, Fyodor Dostoevsky

was attempting to create what some would call

an existential enigma.

A protagonist who is both a nihilist

and a moralist.

Now, I know this sounds confusing to you all, but soon,

you'll all know what I'm talking about.

Because I expect you to have the first chapter of this book

read by Monday.

It's time to grow up, people.

You like that? You're hot.

Knock it off, you're making me sick!

Why don't you make out with Nicky? We'll call it a foursome.

Damn, why don't you make out with my butt? We'll call it love.

You guys, be cool.

The nark's here.

Yeah, watch out or I'll bust you!

Hey, man, I ain't joking.

I heard about what you did to Brian Stocker.

You saw him smoking MJ and you told some cops.

Brian's in prison now.

And I heard his brother's looking for you.

What? I didn't do that.

I know, I was just messing with you!

She got me with that same joke last week.

It's kinda funny, though.

Hilarious.

What are you doing for Halloween?

I have to hand out candy with my mom.

I know, it sounds really dorky.

She gets really into it.

Lindsay, I don't think that sounds dorky at all.

You know what, at least she's being nice.

Because you hate your mother, doesn't mean everybody else does.

No, everybody hates her mother.

What are you guys doing?

Well, Kim, Nick and I are going out.

I'm borrowing my uncle's big-ass Caddy,

and we thought maybe you'd like to come with us.

You mean, like a double date?

If that's what you need to call it in your diary, princess.

I can't.

Your loss.

Oh, the bell.

Let's not be late for class.

Hey, Lindsay.

You know, I think it's nice that you're helping your mom hand out candy.

So, I'll see you later.

See you later.

It's going to take, like, a trillion years to read.

I don't even know what it's about.

Whitman said it's about an ax murderer.

This sounds kinda cool.

I guarantee it's not going to be cool.

Look how small the printing is.

Perhaps you've never heard of a little thing called CliffsNotes?

You still have to read them.

Whitman is such a jerk.

You know, she says you have to be young adults.

We're not adults. We're kids until we turn 18.

Well, maybe you are.

When I hit 13, I became a man.

It's only in your temple, Neal. Not in the real world.

We should go trick-or-treating tomorrow night.

In case you haven't noticed, we're a little old.

We're not. We went trick-or-treating last year.

Come on. Let's go out tomorrow night.

No way. I'm going to the Jaycees Haunted House.

The "hot-dog on a stick" girls from the mall are working it.

- The tall ones? - Yeah. Judy.

- They're hot. - Judy, Judy, Judy!

Then, why don't we go trick-or-treating before that?

Why don't we just go buy candy?

Oh yeah, it's really fun.

Come on, it'll be a blast.

It's better than sitting home reading some stupid Russian book.

You know, I...

Yeah, I guess... i guess so.

I don't know.

You're never gonna dress up as Groucho again?

You know, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!

Groucho sucks.

Tommy.

Millie.

Lindsay!

What's up?

Millie, who is that?

Who?

You weren't supposed to see.

That's Tommy, my secret love.

We met this summer at church camp.

You have a boyfriend?

Lindsay, you got to keep this a secret. I mean...

Tommy and I don't even French kiss yet.

Tommy says that if you do before you've been going for six months,

you go to Hell.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't want to make you feel bad,

since you don't have a boyfriend and all.

Come on, no way.

No, it's true. When I heard them play at Cobalt Hall, the guy was amazing.

- Hold on a second. - What?

They're called Santana, right?

But that guy who's singing, he's not Santana.

No. Santana's the guitar player.

Then how did he get them to name the band after him?

I don't know, man.

Maybe he's just a bad-ass.

If that's true, yes, he's amazing.

Maybe we should name my band Desario.

I'm going out with you guys tomorrow night.

Hey, that's great!

Yeah, but what about your mom?

How is she going to hand out candy all by herself?

She'll survive.

Well, well, well.

He did the mash

He did the monster mash

It was a smash

It was a graveyard smash

Mom, Neal, Bill and I decided to go trick-or-treating tomorrow night.

That's great, we have to get you a costume.

I'm gonna make my own. I'm going out as Gort.

He's the robot from The Day the Earth stood still.

Gort! How exciting!

Sam, what are you doing? You're too old to go out trick-or-treating.

Harold, stop...

What? It's true.

There was this kid in my neighborhood when I was growing up, Scott Biron.

He kept on trick-or-treating until he was well into his 20s.

You know where he's living now?

At home. With his 90-year-old mother.

He's the laughing stock of the community.

He never took a wife, either.

I don't think there's anything wrong

with acting like a kid every once in a while.

Lindsay and I are gonna have a great time tomorrow, aren't we, sweetie?

Yeah, Mom, we sure are.

He did the mash

The monster mash

It was a smash

It was a graveyard smash

- Bill and I will come by your place. - Bring pillow cases. No grocery bags.

If your bag rips, you're on your own.

I'm gonna bring my plastic pumpkin.

Don't bring that, it gets full after one street.

Not if I eat the candy as we go.

Last time you did that, you puked before we got past our bus stop.

Hey guys, I heard you're going out for trick-or-treats tonight.

- How did you find out about that? - The word gets out, people talk.

But you gotta be careful, the candy is gonna be dangerous this year.

They say that every year.

But this year, there are evil hippies who don't want Reagan to be president,

so to disrupt the election,

they're gonna inject the candy with heroin, turn kids into addicts.

It's not true, you just have to watch out for pins and razors.

And rat hair is a big one.

You're gonna find yourself wishing for rat hair.

Word on the street is they're putting a pooh inside Fun Size candy bars.

I love Fun Size candy bars.

That's stupid. Like nobody will be able to tell what it really was.

They dip it in chocolate first, so you can't tell the difference.

See ya!

Actually, it sounds kinda fun. Do you mind if I come with you guys?

Mom?

In the kitchen!

Where have you been? You're gonna miss the first trick-or-treaters.

You know the cutest ones always come early.

I was hanging out with my friends.

Lindsay!

Look what we're gonna hand out this year. Halloween cookies!

- Great, Mom. - What's up with all the cookies?

I laid your robot costume out on your bed.

- You didn't rip it, did you? - No, but I wrote

"My boy is the cutest boy in the whole world" on the front of it.

Lindsay, I got you a costume. Go put it on, sweetie.

I'm gonna put these cookies by the door.

We are going to have so much fun!

I kind of hate when Mom gets goofy like that.

Looking for Chaplin, only seeing Hitler.

If I were the Bionic Woman... what would I wear?

This is ridiculous.

I look like Tom Selleck.

Mom!

I'm sorry, Steve Austin, I can't marry you.

I'm mad at you, right now.

What?

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

Hold on, I'm going to put the phone on my bionic ear.

That's better.

Don't talk so loud!

Don't forget I've got bionic hearing.

No. These are not bionic!

These are all me.

No, I heard that, pal.

Oh, it wasn't you! Oh, OK, I guess I'll just...

Oscar Goldman, it's me, Jaime Sommers.

Steve Austin is trapped in the reactor.

Hi, Mom. OK, you can use the phone.

Hey, Lindsay!

Hurry up, honey. Our first little visitors are here.

Linds!

What an... interesting costume...

All right. Happy Halloween!

Do you want another cookie?

I'm here to go for trick-or-treats tonight with Sam.

You're one of Sam's friends! I'm so sorry.

Come on in.

My gosh... sorry.

Nice costume. You look like Richard Benjamin in Westworld.

Hey, don't you look nice!

What the hell are you supposed to be?

I'm a guy with a knife through his head.

Well, mission accomplished.

Mom, I got to talk to you.

Put your costume on, the trick-or-treaters are here.

Trick or treat, smell our feet

Give us something good to eat

You guys are both great. Come on in!

Harris, that looks really real.

How do you know it isn't?

If you get any closer, I'll be bagging ya.

Hey, cut that out.

Oh, Bill, you look really lovely.

I'm Jaime Sommers, the Bionic Woman.

Oh, of course you are.

Who's that?

Mom, I'm gonna go hang out with my friends a little bit, I'll be back.

- Wait. - I'll be back!

Sweetie, wait!

Come on, Lindsay, let's go.

Do you have any fake blood around here?

I want to freshen up my wound before we go out.

What?

She did what?

She said it was only gonna be for a little while, she'll be back.

I know she was really looking forward to this.

She'd better back, that's all I can say.

That daughter of yours is on thin ice.

Until she gets back, would you put this on and help me pass out cookies?

For crying out loud...

Boo!

His plans fell through, you know...

I'm sorry.

Knock it off or you're gonna blow the speakers.

I'm sorry, Grandpa, I'll try not to blow anything of yours from now on.

What are we gonna do?

There's this haunted house that's supposed to be scary.

That could be kind of fun.

For who? Losers?

Hey, shut up. I like haunted houses.

I rest my case.

Listen. We're just gonna drive around and see where the night takes us.

Is that cool with you?

Lindsay?

I'm up for anything.

Right on, kid.

I'm really glad that you decided to come.

Thanks.

So am I.

You two are adorable!

Mom, look!

Jessica, come on, don't stare. It's not polite.

Why is everybody staring at me?

You'd think they never saw the Bionic Woman before.

They just probably didn't know she was so hot in real life!

Are you joking? You're joking, right?

I saw the real Jaime Sommers at the auto show last year.

Her boobs weren't that big.

We should go to the rich neighborhood first, they hand out the best candy.

It's not true. Rich people traditionally give the cheapest candy.

How they stay rich.

I just hope I get some candy I can eat.

I'm allergic to peanut, liquorish, and nougat.

How can you possibly be allergic to nougat?

I don't know.

My doctors say I'm allergic to more things than anyone

they've ever seen.

Then I get the dibs on all your malt balls.

You can have them.

I like the Pixy Stix.

- Pixy Stix rule. - No way!

Chunkies are the best.

Candy corn, my friend.

I must admit, I'm a Wax lips man myself.

Trick or treat!

You're the cutest things. Harold, come look!

Kids, I was just kidding!

I'm not really a vampire, I own a sporting goods store.

Hey, what's the big idea, scaring my kids?

I didn't mean to...

I'm sorry, I made him put this on.

Here, give this to your children, they're home-made.

Are you crazy?

I've been lecturing my kids for weeks not to take unwrapped candy.

Those cookies could have razor blades or pins in it.

I wouldn't do that.

Come on, cow-girl, enough of this kids stuff.

Let's head out to the bar and I'll give you a real good roll in a hay.

Harold, not now.

When?

I mean, think about it.

All the people in this town are real religious.

And just cause it's Halloween, they'll hang pictures of devils,

witches, ghosts, all over their houses. It's a joke.

Yeah, I know, it's total white middle-class hypocrisy.

Right, exactly.

You wanna know what I think about it?

Lovely, you know.

Your years in charm school have really paid off.

By the way, how are things going at ass school?

Getting all As!

We could go to the movies, there's a new Friday the 13th playing.

Brain, why are you so hung up about doing something?

Are we boring to you?

What? We should do something. We can't just drive around all night.

Man, we can just drive around. It is Halloween.

Trick or treat!

What do you want?

Trick or treat!

Aren't you guys a little old for this?

We're only freshmen in high school.

High school. That's too old.

We're young at heart.

Circus peanuts.

What are you supposed to be anyway? Tin Man?

I'm Gort. He's the robot from The Day the Earth stood still?

You look like the freaking Tin Man.

Ma'am...

I hope there aren't any peanuts in these peanuts,

cause if there are, I could die.

Good night.

These are so cute.

But you know, Jean, they train the kids not to take unwrapped food stuffs.

You should see, all the parents are dumping the cookies on your lawn.

They're all covered with ants!

What?

Well... happy Halloween!

I give up.

Harold, run up the Farmer Jack and buy some candy.

What? Dressed like this?

All right.

Don't answer the door until I get back.

Stupid kids holiday...

I say... we make Lindsay do it.

No, I'm going in.

No, man, let me do it, alright?

Hey, relax, it's Halloween, we're supposed to do this stuff.

Oh, man...

that is so uncool.

I can't believe we just did that!

Yes, congratulations to us all, Lindsay.

I'm so happy I'm not at the Ted Nugent concert.

Come on, go.

Go ahead, Linds.

You can do it.

Go!

Oh, my...

Oh my God.

Come on, come on! Come on, Lindsay!

Happy Halloween!

This one's for you.

Oh, look, it's Fun Sized.

You guys having a good time?

Happy Halloween.

Thank you.

Well... I'll eat it later.

Batter up, baby!

Here, baby!

- Come on, Lindsay. - Go for it, Weir.

Do it already.

Great. Thanks a lot!

I can't believe this.

I can't believe the Hot Dog on a Stick girls saw us!

That's months of ground work down to drain.

Like they'd ever go out with you.

Shut up, they like me. They always do me free lemonade refills.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the geek patrol.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, my God!

Hey Alan, what's up?

I don't know whose ass I wanna kick first!

You better watch out, Alan. We kicked your ass once.

We can do it again.

I don't think so. That was three against one.

Now we got us a fair fight.

It's time to settle the score.

No, I got it. Let's go salt the school windows.

Look, I say it's time we get down to some serious damage.

Kenneth.

Breakfast, anyone?

Oh, my goodness.

We don't want to fight you, Alan.

You don't have to.

Just give us your candy and you're free to go.

OK, here.

- Now you, dork. - Forget it!

- We went through a lot for this! - Shut your mouth, you little girl.

I'm not a little girl, I'm a Bionic Woman!

Yeah? Prove it.

No, cut it out!

Just stop, take the candy, this is my grandpa's coat!

I fell on my knife.

Let's get out of here!

That's it. That is it!

This is all your fault!

I never should've let you talk me into this.

I didn't talk you into anything.

It sure as hell wasn't my idea.

Oh, yeah. You're too cool, getting free lemonade refills.

Guys.

Let's just stick to the plan.

Is this thing on straight?

- Wanna do it? - Dig in, children!

Awesome.

- Thank you. - Enjoy it.

Alright, jackpot!

- Where? - Ready? Over there!

You're such a little baby, with your baby's evenings.

Going to some stupid haunted house is that much better?

- You're stupid! - It takes one to know one.

- Well, you are one! - Enough, guys, come on.

My bra is chafing. Let's get home.

I want to see! Ken, you're blocking my view!

- That was so awesome! - We nailed it.

- What? - Oh my God.

We just egged my little brother.

Oh, my God.

Wait, stop the car.

Just eggs, he'll be fine.

No! Stop the car, please, Daniel!

You just take it easy.

Let me out of the car!

Daniel, just stop the car. Let her out.

Don't get out, we'll get him.

Sam!

Gentlemen...

I'm going home.

They're coming back to finish the job!

Let's go cut through the backyard!

Sam!

Sam, I'm sorry.

Get in the car.

Sam, I'm really sorry. Please, come on.

Let us give you a ride home, OK?

Kid, it's not your sister's fault. She didn't even know it was you.

She's really really upset, kid. I swear to God.

It's true, Sam, I swear to God.

Is it just me or did he seem upset?

Would you shut up, please?

Just give her a break, alright?

Man, I'm in so much trouble.

- Just take me home. - Why don't you just...

Take her home already. God!

I told you she's be a drag.

Trick or treat!

My God, Sam! What happened?

- I got egged. - What's going on?

Are you alright? Did you get egg in your eye?

- I'm fine! - My God...

Well, well, look who's here.

We're so happy you could grace us with your presence.

What kind of terrible people would do this to a little boy?

Who the hell did this to you, Sam?

Some freaks.

Freaks? Like circus freaks?

Jean, I don't think there's bearded ladies running around throwing eggs.

He means hippies. You know who these freaks were?

Just a bunch of dirt-bags.

Honey, my little baby.

I'm not a baby!

I'm certainly glad we all decided to celebrate Halloween.

Last time I had this much fun,

I was pinned down in a foxhole by the North Koreans.

I'm sorry, honey. You did a nice job.

And you, you're on thin ice, Missy.

I didn't expect you back so soon.

Mom, I told you I'd be back in a little bit.

Who were those people you went off with?

- Some friends from school. - Anyone I know?

Not really.

Lindsay, if you didn't want to hand out candy with me,

- you could have just told me. - I couldn't.

I didn't want to make you feel bad.

Oh, well, I don't know.

The world is such a different place than the one I grew up in.

Everyone just seems so much...

meaner, these days.

Mom, kids didn't throw eggs when you were in school?

I don't know, I guess so.

I just know I never did.

Nothing like getting yelled at by Dad when he's dressed like a vampire, huh?

Thanks for not turning me in.

I'm really sorry, you know that, don't you?

Nobody thinks you're cool, you know?

Trust me, I know.

Trick or treat!

Mom?

That's the wrong costume.

You were supposed to be my little princess.

Well... I guess I'll have to be your little prince instead.

I'll get it.

Trick or treat!

You're the cutest things! Lindsay, aren't they cute?

Yeah, they are.

Happy Halloween!

Sam?

Can I come in?

You OK?

Yeah, I'm just reading a book for school.

Any good?

I don't know yet. Everyone's name is really weird and long.

Well, don't stay up too late.

I won't, Dad.