Original subtitles

[Trilling]

[Screams]

[Screams]

[Trilling]

[Screams]

[Screams]

[Screams]

[Thudding footsteps]

[Screams]

[Roaring]

[Screams]

You're about to hear one of the strangest stories in military history.

I know because it happened to me...

Captain Jason Briggs.

Army career man for 23 years.

No visible scars.

At least, until that day we were flying some 30,000 feet over a very empty section...

of the blue Pacific.

Along for the ride was Sergeant Ben Healey.

My second in command since I was stationed in Seoul.

A good tough man...

but a royal pain in the ass, sometimes.

Corporal Buzz Branegan was up front at the controls...

helping me escort three of the sorriest excuses for soldiers...

it had ever been my displeasure to meet.

Private Wilbert Turbowski...

or Turbo as the others called him.

To me, he was just another prisoner headed to military court in San Diego.

They said Private Wayne Kincaid was the Brain...

but the kid looked as lost as his cohorts.

Like Turbo he was facing charges for going AWOL.

And finally there was Skeemer.

A pathetic shiftless recruit who certainly lived up to his name.

According to the report from Honolulu Command...

he was the mastermind behind the theft of the tank that got Turbo...

and the Brain in hot water.

Little did we know that we all about to find ourselves in hot water...

with little hope for survival.

SARGE: Captain! What's going on?

BUZZ: Better strap it in back there guys, we're going to have to ditch!

What the heck!

What is it?

Please God! Let it be Club Med!

I wouldn't get your hopes up John...

according to the map this place doesn't even exist.

What are you saying Lieutenant?

What I'm saying is, this island is completely uncharted.

Well men we made it back to good old terra firma...

no matter what your charts say.

Hey Cap look!

It's our stuff!

How'd it get here?

Same way we did, that weird current.

What do we do now sir?

First things first.

Let's see what kind of supplies survived the crash.

Hopefully there's something we can use.

Hey we got a first aid kit!

And K-rations!

And weapons!

And Playpen.

This is something we can really use.

CAPTAIN: Here's what I've been looking for.

Transmitter!

Think it still works?

The batteries are still okay.

Hey look!

What?

I thought I saw something.

BRAIN: Where?

Well, there! In the cave.

CAPTAIN: What was it?

TURBO: I'm not sure.

SARGE: Whatever it was, I'll flush it out.

CAPTAIN: Hold it sergeant!

CAPTAIN: We're too low on ammo for you to waste it.

CAPTAIN: That's an order. SARGE: Yes sir.

CAPTAIN: What did this thing look like, Private?

I know it's gonna sound crazy...

but it looked like a...

Nah... it couldn't have been.

Must be my imagination.

Kincaid!

Yes Captain.

How's Buzz?

Why don't you ask him sir?

How ya doin' soldier?

A-OK Cap.

BUZZ: Just one thing.

What?

Sure could use a smoke.

Here you go buddy.

What are his chances?

Not good.

We've got to move him inland, get him out of the sun.

Yeah. Private! Grab some weapons.

CAPTAIN: Healey! Give us a hand.

CAPTAIN: Let's move around that point.

CAPTAIN: We're going to have to go in the drink again.

CAPTAIN: Come on let's hustle it up.

CAPTAIN: Kincaid, I want you do find a lookout. Here take this.

BRAIN: Right Captain.

CAPTAIN: Come on let's go.

BRAIN: It's all clear. Bring her around.

Wayne...

stay here with Buzz and do what you can for him.

We'll scout around and see if we can find something to make a stretcher.

Let's go.

Strange looking trees.

TURBO: Never seen anything like 'em.

SARGE: Probably poisonous.

SKEEMER: Why don't you take a bite and find out Sarge.

SARGE: Why don't you bite my ass Skeemer!

You know, according to my map...

the spot we're looking for should be right over here.

Is everything a joke to you son?

Just my career sir.

It won't be after this mission.

Ha!

SKEEMER: How much farther are we going?

CAPTAIN: Why did you join this man's army in the first place? All you do is bitch!

SKEEMER: I thought it would be more like Hogan's Heroes or F Troop.

SKEEMER: Besides, I heard you get laid a lot. TURBO: You do!?

Captain, are you sure arming these men is such a good idea?

They are under house arrest.

There's no telling what we'll run into.

TURBO: Captain, can we take a break?

CAPTAIN: What's your problem now?

I gotta go to the can.

Fall out men.

Fall down is more like it.

CAPTAIN: Have you got any water left? SARGE: No.

Haaa!

TURBO: Captain!

On your feet men. Stay alert.

Five bucks says he caught himself in his zipper.

Captain! Oh Captain! Captain! Oh Captain!

You gotta problem with your privates Private?

I saw her again.

SARGE: Her!?

And this time I'm sure, I swear Captain.

I saw a girl!

A girl!?

And what a girl! She had...

Hands?

No not hands!

She didn't have hands? Gross.

Private, are you sure you never hit or head when the plane crashed?

You ask me, he's bucking for a section eight.

Section eight is great idea. Why didn't I think of that?

'Cos you're stupid not crazy.

I knew there was a reason.

TURBO: Ssh!

Hear that?

CAPTAIN: Hear what? TURBO: That noise!

Now he's hearing things.

It sounds like water!

You know, I remember seeing some water on the way in here. Yeah.

Those aren't waves crashing Skeemer.

Sounds more like splashing.

It's coming from over there.

Get your stuff.

SKEEMER: Yabba dabba do. TURBO: What did I tell ya!

Girls I saw the strangest ape type creatures...

and they came up out of the ocean.

SKEEMER: Check out the hooters on those babes! TURBO: This beats K-rations!

[Gunshots]

What the hell was that?

All right, back to the beach double time!

There they are now!

Come on, let's go.

BRAIN: Make a run for it Buzz!

[Screams]

SKEEMER: Holy shit!

CAPTAIN: Come on, let's go!

Open fire Private!

Damn it! That's an order!

Gimme the gun!

[Native language]

CAPTAIN: You alright Lieutenant? BRAIN: Yeah, I think so.

Guys, what about them?

SKEEMER: I say we introduce ourselves.

Not so fast Skeemer, these women are savages.

I'm counting on it.

CAPTAIN: The sergeant's right, we may not be welcome.

Who cares, we're the army!

Uncle Sam expects a certain amount of cavorting and pillaging.

Surrender!

You speak English!

Surrender or die!

You speak English very well!

Which one of you is Uncle Sam?

Uncle Sam?

CAVE-GIRL: The leader you spoke of.

What do you want him for?

We want to kill him!

Well this is a fine mess you've got us into Sam!

Excuse me ma'am.

I'm the leader of this unit.

Captain Jason Briggs, United Sates Army.

I do not know these words you speak. You are men are you not?

Well I can't speak for everybody, but I'm all man.

You must come with us!

Excuse me, you don't give orders here. I do.

[Laughter]

What's so funny?

Men, giving orders!

Everyone knows you are brainless beasts.

Sticks and stones will break our bones, but names will never hurt us.

We have sticks!

And stones!

Let's break some bones!

Hold it Healey.

We'll go peacefully.

TURBO: I'm sorry I froze back there Captain.

CAPTAIN: When I give one of my soldiers a direct order...

I expect it to be followed. Understood?

TURBO: Yes Sir.

TURBO: It's just that ever since I was a little kid...

I've always been afraid of anything creepy crawly.

SARGE: Begging your pardon Captain...

but why did we surrender so easily?

CAPTAIN: These women know their way around the island.

We may need their help to get off.

SKEEMER: You can say that again.

CAPTAIN: Will ya get a load of that?

TURBO: Unbelievable.

SARGE: Amazing.

SKEEMER: I've been wondering what the dog was doing with all those bones?

Go! Go!

Yes ma'am. Gentlemen, let's proceed.

TURBO: Sarge, what do make of this?

TURBO: First that wotsit on the beach, and now this?

SARGE: You got me Turbo. Ask Kincaid, he's Mr Knowitall.

BRAIN: I can't explain it either.

BRAIN: I mean could be we just landed on some piece of rock...

that time just simply forgot.

TURBO: You mean... SKEEMER: Yes!

SKEEMER: This could be... Dan dan daa... Dinosaur Island!

[Roaring]

CAPTAIN: Look alive men!

CAVE-GIRL: Move along! Move along!

The thunder beast will not hurt you.

They only feed on leaves.

Come along! Come along!

SKEEMER: Bet they make great pets too...

once you get them house broken.

You're right John, this is Club Med!

If anybody wants me, I'll be by the pool.

Do not move, or I'll put my spear in you!

Sounds a little kinky, but hey, I'll try anything once.

What's going to happen to us?

That is for Queen Morganna to decide.

This will decide what happens to me.

Queen!

CAVE-GIRLS: Move! Go! Go! CAPTAIN: You afraid? TURBO: Well...

TURBO: Oh mamma!

CAVE-GIRL: Neal! Neal you dogs!

Who are you who dares enter my domain?

We are soldiers your majesty.

Soldiers?

Yes, like your warriors.

Impossible! You're too small and fleshy to be warriors, or men for that matter.

Now wait just a minute...

Ow!

Take away their fire spears!

Oh mighty Queen.

If they are warriors, perhaps they have been sent to us for a reason.

And what reason would that be princess?

Maybe they can save us, from the Great One.

Jackie Gleason?

Do you really believe...

that these puny creatures could succeed where our forefathers have failed?

[Heavy sigh]

No my Queen. I don't.

Take these worthless fools from my sight.

Put them to work in the pits.

SKEEMER: Is that the barbecue...?

I remember a little place in Patterson New Jersey called the Pit Stop.

It was a great little bar.

CAPTAIN: I bet this pit won't be as much fun.

CAVE-GIRL: That's where you will spend the rest of your lives in chains.

TURBO: That's what they said in Paterson.

CAPTAIN: Hell!

Wayne!

Skeemer!

Actually, you know, we had nothing to do with this.

Captain Briggs! Kinda crazy, you know.

It's you!

It's you? I resemble that remark.

It's you!

Me!?

CAVE-GIRL: You bear the mark!

CAVE-GIRL: The one we've been waiting for!

Our savior!

Right! It's me!

SKEEMER: I'm here!

Yeah! I'm here! With the mark, and...

I'm here! It's me!

Why do these men still live?

Because they are not men Queen.

They are gods.

This one has the mark.

Courtesy of Wyn-Ray's Tattoos, Deuce and Broadway.

A trick!

Summon the soothsayer! We shall let her decide.

Ask your bones whether or not these creatures possess magic.

It is true your highness.

These are the gods predicted in the sacred scroll.

Sacred scroll?

It is foretold in the midst of a terrible famine...

the ocean would open up...

and out would come five strange and wonderful gods.

I've been called strange!

I've got dibs on wonderful.

And my tummy's been growling ever since I got here.

They would wear foreign robes and provide us with food.

Tick Tack?

But most importantly...

among them, there would be one...

who the yellow sun similes on...

His magic would be the most powerful of all.

For he will be the one...

that will be the savior...

who will deliver us from the Great One.

Hey! I only deliver to within a one mile radius of my house.

Skeemer.

My people are starving...

and I refuse to place their fate in the hands of these so called gods.

Hey Queenie! Don't be such a sour puss! Your savior is here!

Put on a happy face!

Where are you taking us to?

We must prepare you for battle.

Hey! Is that spear loaded?

[Laughter]

SKEEMER: The girls have great auras over there.

TURBO: Huh?

BRAIN: You know, I think I'll stay here for a while.

BRAIN: Check me in.

TURBO: Wow.

SKEEMER: One, two, three, four, five, six.

TURBO: This is great, we don't ever have to leave here.

Hey! You missed a spot.

[Laughter]

It's a little too much for me.

Getting kinda dizzy.

You're so big...

and strong.

Ah, tickles, ha!

Would you mind rubbing a little lower.

Ah.

That's it! Perfect.

This sure beats basic training Skeemer.

SKEEMER: You can say that again.

Speaking of which, we're two gods short.

[Laughter]

Let's give it a try.

This is Sergeant Healey of the United States Army.

This is an S.O.S.. Does anybody read me. Come in. Over.

You know, you girls never even told us your names.

Our names cannot be spoken in your language.

Our language? You speak English.

But it is not our native tongue...

It was taught to us by missionaries who landed here many moons ago.

Missionaries?

They came from the sea. Just as you did.

At first, we thought they too were gods.

What happened to them?

They went into the jungle to slay the Great One.

And?

And never came back.

It's no use Captain.

The signal is not being picked up.

We're going to have to broadcast from higher ground.

Let's wrap it up.

BRAIN: What?

We thought you might need your fire spears.

We will await word of your victory.

I'm dedicating our victory to you.

Wait, this is silly. We've got to call you something.

I know, from now on, you are Miss April, Miss May and Miss June.

April?

May?

June?

What do these names mean?

This will explain everything.

What is it?

Our sacred scroll.

MAY: Is it magic?

You have no idea.

Now study it hard because we will be giving you a pop quiz later on.

JUNE: This is sacred?

APRIL: Sacred scroll?

TURBO: Why don't we try going downhill for a while?

SKEEMER: Because the girls said to follow the sun five leagues past the flowery knoll.

BRAIN: Yeah, and then what?

SKEEMER: What do you mean?

BRAIN: I mean what's our plan?

SKEEMER: We kill the Great One and come back conquering heroes.

TURBO: You think it's that simple?

SKEEMER: Absolutely.

BRAIN: I don't know John, you saw what that thing did to Buzz.

Look!

It's the worst creature of all...

The sargasaurus!

TURBO: Hiya Cap.

TURBO: Boy am I glad to see you guys.

CAPTAIN: Jesus Christ!

What are you guys doing here?

SARGE: Trying to signal the rescue party.

Rescue party!

You don't get it do you?

If we get rescued, the party's over!

Party! What the hell is he talking about.

And how did you get our weapons back?

The women think we're gods.

And all we have to do is kill the Great One to prove ourselves.

You gotta be kidding!

Turbo here couldn't even kill a garden snake, let alone a dinosaur.

But if we do...

we could spend the rest of our lives living in paradise.

I hate to disappoint you...

but you three are going back to jail and I'm going to put you there.

You getting anything Sergeant?

Just a hiss. Nothing but static.

I hear it too, but it doesn't sound like static.

And I don't think it's coming from the radio.

CAPTAIN: Where is it coming from?

[Trumpeting]

SKEEMER: Oh shit!

CAPTAIN: Fire!

I do not understand.

How is it possible for a god to die?

His magic must not have been very powerful.

The important thing is that they have slain the Great One.

The Queen will be very pleased.

This is cause for a celebration.

No not yet. First we have to bury our dead.

What's your angle?

What are you talking about?

You never gave a shit about Healey. Why the sudden change of heart?

The captain is right John. I mean you always though he was a jerk.

But he was our jerk.

TURBO: What is this place.

JUNE: It is heaven.

SKEEMER: Heaven?

APRIL: That is the word the missionaries taught us.

MAY: It means the place you go after you die.

BRAIN: It's a burial ground.

SKEEMER: Get a load of that!

BRAIN: Looks like something right out of King Kong.

Captain, wouldn't it be easier to bury him at sea?

Wayne. How's your arm?

It's okay sir.

Give it a rest.

I'm fine.

CAPTAIN: That's an order.

Turbo.

Take over.

Come on, let's put some muscle in it!

You are in pain?

Just give me a bullet to bite on and I'll be fine.

I do not understand.

Yeah, I'm in pain.

And eating a bullet will help?

I don't think anything on this island is going to help.

What about me?

You?

Come.

Hey Captain. My arm is starting to hurt.

Dig!

Where are we going?

You'll see.

Wow.

Come.

Sit.

[Chanting]

Ow! Ow, ow.

Ow! What are you doing?

I'm healing you!

Could have fooled me.

[Chanting]

[Chanting]

Come!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

I'm healing you. I'm healing you.

No, it's the water. It's making my arm burn.

Argh! Argha, ah.

My God!

It's like it was never there.

How can I ever thank you?

Teach me page 34.

Page 34.

Oh! In the magazine?

Oh.

Well, um...

It starts something like this.

No, no.

Hold still.

Page 34.

Page 34.

Page 34!

May almighty God have mercy on his soul.

Amen.

Where have you been?

I'll explain it to you when I understand it.

Come sisters.

We must bring word of the Great One's death to the Queen.

We'll meet you back at the village.

All right men. Let's get the gear and go.

BRAIN: There goes the Great One.

SKEEMER: So much for the Great One. CAPTAIN: Look alive! Look alive!

Take good long look ladies.

It's wonderful!

A miracle.

This meat will feed many mouths.

But where is the Great One?

Where's the what?

BRAIN: We though that...

TURBO: Isn't that...

QUEEN: This is just a beast of armor.

Oh no!

And a baby one at that.

BRAIN: Oh no.

The Great One is ten times as big.

[Distant roaring]

TURBO: Um.

What was that?

The Great One.

Oh boy.

Don't worry.

We'll take care of the Great One, just like we took care of this guy.

That's not going to be so easy without ammunition.

And boys... we're fresh out.

[Laughs]

You've failed!

Proving once and fall all you're frauds...

not gods but mere men.

Not so fast Queenie.

Aren't you forgetting something?

What!

The first part of the prophecy.

We've produced food in the middle of a famine.

They're right Morganna.

The beast of armor will feed the entire village for a week.

Never the less, I am the law giver...

and I say that these men can bring only harm to the village.

They must all die.

No!

You dare challenge your Queen.

JUNE: April is right!

These men have done us no evil.

Only helped us in our struggle to survive.

My command will still be carried out immediately!

No!

As written in the sacred scroll...

I challenge thee to Oh-Ma-Pa!

Oh my papa?

Oh-Ma-Pa.

I've heard of it John.

The druids used it to oppose the laws of their leaders.

Very well then.

As it is written, so shall it be.

We fight this night in the circle of power.

If you win, the men will be spared...

but if you lose, you...

your traitorous sisters...

and these pitiful warriors will all suffer a fiery death, in the pit.

Well your Majesty...

since this is going to decide our fate...

I think we have the right to watch.

So be it.

Silence!

The ceremony of Oh-Ma-Pa will now commence.

Grrrr.

Begin!

BRAIN: Oh no!

[Cheering]

June! June! June! June!

JUNE: Grrrr.

Aghhh.

[Cheering]

Aghhh.

[Cheering]

Aghhh.

Aghhh.

Aghhh.

Ohhh.

Aghhh.

Aghhh.

We won!

June!

This calls for a celebration.

SKEEMER: Everybody party! BRAIN: Party! Yes! Yes!

Come on down Captain. Offer only good while supplies last.

No thanks!

What's wrong with him?

He's just upset because the transmitter was destroyed.

Oh that's a real shame.

It looks like we're stuck on this island...

with a bunch of beautiful women for the rest of our lives.

What about the Great One?

We're stuck with him.

And it's not going to be easy killing him with no ammo.

BRAIN: He's right John.

I mean what's going to happen to use once the girls find out the truth?

I'll tell you what's going to happen.

We're going to end up in the bottom of that pit everyone's been talking about.

That's why our first order of business is to end this famine.

Yeah, but how are we going to do that?

You mean how are you going to do that?

Me!

Why me?

They don't call you Wayne the Brain for nothing!

You mean to tell me that no fruit bearing plants will grow here on the island.

Oh yes.

We have tried and succeeded.

Only the food is always devoured before we can harvest it.

By the Great One?

No, by the small ones.

The small ones?

Oh gross!

Come on. I got an idea.

What are you doing?

Making a pesticide.

Pesticide?

Yeah. It's sort of like a potion..

that will...

help to protect your harvest.

Impossible. Magic is useless against the small ones.

This isn't magic.

This is chemistry.

What is chemistry?

Here, I'll show you.

All right. I'm taking a little iodine. Okay.

I mix this...

with mosquito repellent.

Then, I dilute it with water.

And finally I add my secret ingredient.

It smells awful!

What is it?

Dinosaur urine?

No, Skeemer's aftershave.

Will it really keep the small ones away from our crops?

I don't see why not.

Keeps the women away from Skeemer.

April, what's your favorite food.

Mmmm, I love pterodactyl. Why?

Because I was thinking maybe we could go out for dinner tonight.

But we eat out every night.

I don't mean outside. I mean out on a date.

What is a date?

It's when two people want to be alone together.

But how can be be alone and together at the same time?

I mean we'll be by ourselves.

For what reason?

So we can get to know each other.

Oh! So you can learn my turn-ons and turn-offs.

Who taught you those words?

I have been studying your sacred scroll.

What do you think of it?

Oh it is very wise, but...

I do not understand one thing.

What is a... kiss?

I'll show you tonight.

Tell me why we are doing this again.

Because pterodactyl is April's favorite food.

It doesn't slither does it?

SKEEMER: No! it flies. TURBO: Whew!

And there it is.

[Squawking]

Ohhh, that thing has scales. I'm outta here!

All right, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going!

Turbo, you have got to get over this fear of yours.

If you won't do it for yourself, do it for June.

I don't want to impress June.

Creepy crawly things don't scare me half as much as she does.

I know she's kinda tough.

That's not what I'm talking about Skeemer.

What are you talking about?

I don't exactly have a lot of experience with girls.

You mean, you're still...

cherry?

[Laughs]

Sorry. I just figured a big strong guy like you.

Girls take one look at me, and they get scared.

I don't blame them though.

Who'd want to go out with a Neanderthal like me?

A cave woman is a pretty safe bet.

Besides, I think June is kinda the old fashioned type.

I don't think sloping foreheads or knuckles that drag on the ground...

are a problem for her.

But what if I'm bad?

Turbo, there aren't any other men on this island.

Chances are, she won't know the difference.

Come on.

Rrrrahhh!

TURBO: Look out!

Damn!

Maybe we can go get another one.

I think I was another one on the hill over here.

Come on! Let's go.

Hey! Where's my aftershave?

Oh... sorry John I needed it to make a pesticide.

It better work. We're almost out of dinosaur meat.

And whose fault is that?

Skeemer, tell the Captain to stop picking on me.

Look, I don't have time for this.

Well actually you do. I did some tests on the water around here.

Just give me the condensed version.

Well, the water's volcanic origin...

gives it amazing regenerative powers.

Prolonged intake may actually make the body younger...

and healthier forever.

That explains your quick healing...

and why these dinosaurs are still roaming the island.

Yeah, nobody bothered to tell them they're extinct.

Yeah well, it also means these women are a lot older than we think.

I mean, they could be one, two, even three thousand years old.

Hey I've always had thing for older women.

So if you gentlemen will excuse me...

I've got a date with the hottest prehistoric babe I've ever met.

How's your pterodactyl. I caught it myself.

Aw, how brave.

I'm not sure.

It tastes a little like turtle.

You know this place has really gone downhill since the new chef took over.

I like turtle. But you. You are not eating.

Me? I had a late lunch.

But aren't you still hungry?

Not really.

Well then, why did you try to press your lips to mine?

You asked me to show you what a kiss was.

You'll like it. I promise.

[Thudding footsteps]

Did the earth move?

I did for me.

Dear God! The Great One.

Hey, I haven't even taken it out yet.

[Roaring]

Oh! That Great One!

APRIL: This way!

APRIL: [Screams] SKEEMER: Ohhhh shit!

Here, we can hide in here.

That ought to hold him.

SKEEMER: [Kung Fu noises]

[Roaring]

[Receding footsteps]

Woulda kicked his ass.

You know, this would make a great condo. We could settle down.

No, no, this is a terrible place! We must go no further.

Why is that. Got plenty of room. Hot and cold running slime.

Look at this.

Just my luck...

Gold!

It is not safe to go on, we must turn back.

Don't wet yourself sweetheart.

I just need a couple more gold nuggets...

to make the down payment on that little Malibu beach house I've had my eye on.

But the beast of the cave!

Surely it will hear us!

Beast!

You didn't say anything about a beast.

You wouldn't let me!

What does he look like?

[Gibbering]

Sounds like...

two words.

SKEEMER: Big!

SKEEMER: Hideous!

Behind me?

[Screams]

[Growling]

APRIL: [Screams]

APRIL: [Screams]

Ah! Ah! Ah!

[Screams]

[Screams]

Ah! Ah!

Ah! Aaagh!

[Howl]

Shh!

Come with me.

Go!

Go!

Neal!

Neal!

Ahh.

You are the one called Captain.

Are you not?

What the hell's going on here.

Our culture has an ancient proverb...

that says my enemy's enemy is my friend.

I have been observing you.

I believe you to be such a person.

Lady, that's what I've been trying to tell you...

since we got stranded here.

And if I could provide you with a way off the island...

you would take the others with you.

Would you not?

You can count on it.

Many moons ago, a great silver bird crashed into the ocean.

A crate filled with strange objects washed ashore.

What kind of objects.

Objects I'd never seen before.

But one of them carried voices from far away.

You have a transmitter.

The voices I heard spoke in a language unlike yours or ours.

Where is this crate?

This map will guide you to where it is buried.

Buried?

Have you girls got any shovels to go with those spears?

I guess he took a power.

It is safe.

I wonder what made him so mad.

I think I know.

Wow!

Look at the size of that egg!

We must've gotten too close to her nest.

Her!

You mean the Great One is a girl?

Let us go. We must not be here when she comes back.

Wait a minute! What about that egg?

What about it?

It would make one hell of a Denver Omelet!

Slow down.

I need a breather.

No we must hurry, we must!

You must. I'm taking a breather.

Can I ask you a question?

Shoot.

In a few minutes.

Do you know where dinosaur eggs come from?

Doesn't the pterodactyl bring them?

Let me cut to the chase.

But these are not eggs.

I know, but over easy or scrambled...

they look like breakfast to me.

Wayne look!

We are saved from starvation.

The food has grown in great abundance.

Wow! It's better than all you can eat nights Sizzler.

It's truly a miracle.

But how can it have grown so fast?

There's something in that water.

Who cares! Lets eat!

JUNE: Eat! Eat!

Wayne, your magic worked.

May, I told you. It's not magic. It's chemistry.

Must be very powerful.

It is.

But there's another kind of chemistry that's even more powerful.

It's the chemistry between two people.

I do not understand.

Well sometimes, when two people meet...

they have this effect on each other.

What kind of effect?

Well for instance, their hearts beat faster.

Will you show me?

I'd love to.

Is this chemistry?

No this is magic.

TURBO: This fruit is really good Wayne.

TURBO: Oh, is that for me?

BRAIN: The red one, green one.

I'm telling you guys.

This cave we found is crawling with gold.

Yeah, and according to April...

it's also crawling with monsters.

No big deal.

I had him eating spear, right out of my hand.

You can have your gold. This is the life for me.

I hear you.

You will come with us.

The Queen awaits you in her throne room.

Again!

What now?

I'm booked till four.

Come!

It has come to my attention, that the three of you...

have feelings for these men.

It is true oh Queen.

Is that why you brought us here?

We would like to ask you for your blessing.

My blessing!

April and I want to get married.

But May and I just thought we'd live together first.

June and I, we just want to go steady.

What you ask is not possible.

Why not?

These girls are the oldest in the village, they're next in line.

For the throne?

For the alter.

That's what we're talking about.

Getting a little cave of our own.

Tar pit in the back yard.

Having a couple of Cro-Magnons.

Becoming fossils together.

Not the alter of marriage, you fool.

The alter of sacrifice.

Ssssacrifice?

Every time the Sun crosses the sea and reaches its zenith...

we must sacrifice a virgin to the Great One.

Wait a minute. You mean you actually feed your people to that thing?

If I don't...

the beast will come to the village to satisfy its hunger.

And then we would all die.

Queen Morganna...

do you really think the Great One really cares whether or not he...

eats a virgin?

It never bothered me before.

It didn't.

It is our way.

As is dictated by the sacred scroll.

But that's just ancient superstition!

It is the same superstition that has proclaimed you, as gods.

Well, then again, a sacred scroll is a sacred scroll.

Only when you have proven yourselves worthy...

will I give you my blessing.

How do we do that?

Oh it's really quite simple.

All you have to do is destroy the Great One.

Just bring me his head...

and then you can all live happily ever after.

[Laughs]

Destroy the Great One!

While we're at it...

why don't we melt the Wicked Witch of the West.

Well, whatever we do, we'd better do it fast.

I think we was talking about the spring equinox...

which is only three days away.

So now what do we do?

I don't know about you guys...

but I've already taken April out of the competition.

What do you mean?

Hey, every schoolboy knows, April comes before May or June.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me!

Well I hate to admit it, but...

Oh, not you too!

Sorry big guy. It was too good of an opportunity to pass up.

Oh, so now your saying it's up to me.

Well it's a big no go.

I'm not doin' nothin' till I'm ready.

But I'm telling you this...

I'm tied of running scared on this island from some big overgrown lizard.

I say it's time I stopped cowering, and kicked some monster ass!

You guys with me?

Hey, I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

But where are we going to get the fire power?

Right here boys.

Now let's snap to. We've got bigger fish to fry.

Who wants these?

I have provided you with the weapons you have requested...

and now it is up to you.

If you do not return within two days...

we will have no choice but to sacrifice one of our own...

to the Great One.

Don't worry ma'am.

We'll be back.

I wish you luck, Captain.

Looks like Briggs is getting engaged.

TURBO: [Low whistle]

Even Briggs can get laid on this island.

Let's move it out.

So these missionaries are the ones who taught you to speak English?

Why yes, that's it exactly.

TURBO: Hey!

BRAIN: Now what?

TURBO: Quiet! Over There!

Is it harmless like the one we saw before?

Yes it's a thunderbeast.

Harmless hmmmph!

Yeah harmless.

So Skeemer, you've seen this Great One.

What was it like?

Well, you remember that transvestite hooker that Turbo tried to pick up on in the Philippines?

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Well it was as ugly as that, but bigger and pissed off.

So where does this beauty make it's home?

It lives by the big cave.

The one with the gold in it?

The same.

Lead on.

SKEEMER: Here's where it gets interesting.

TURBO: Captain, will you look at that!

My God!

Think of the cholesterol!

Let's take cover in the cave.

Let's not make a meal out of that Private.

You will not find the Great One in there.

She is much too big.

This looks like a good place to get up camp until he comes back.

Turbo! See if you can find some firewood.

Yes Captain.

The rest of you take cover in the cave.

You never know when mom will come home.

She's probably just picking up a few things for dinner.

I'll take first watch.

TURBO: Pretty good huh Captain?

CAPTAIN: Keep it going Private.

CAPTAIN: It's going to be dark soon.

CAPTAIN: And I think staying in here is going to be our best bet.

This'll keep the riff-raff out.

Those big lizards still give be the shakes.

You think that's something?

There was this bimbo actress I was dating back in L.A..

What a piece.

Almost married her too.

Then I got a look at her mother.

Holy mackerel, what a puss on her.

I'd rather look at the great one any day.

They say, if you want to know what a girl will look like after she's married...

look at her mother.

Is that true Skeemer?

That's what I heard.

Say June...

Was your mother pretty?

I bet she was.

Come.

Let us go for walk.

Private.

Let's not walk too far from the light.

Yes sir.

What are you looking at?

The moon.

It is crossing over the ocean.

Yeah.

You know...

if you do not kill the Great One...

I will be its next sacrifice.

Oh you don't have to!

There's um...

another way.

Oh no!

I could never dishonor my heritage by doing what my sisters did.

You're scared.

The Great One doesn't frighten me.

No.

But I think I do.

You?

You'd rather give yourself to the Great One, than to me.

It is true.

I have never known a man before.

Neither have I!

Well there was that one time in Manila.

What?

I mean... I've never known a girl before.

I mean I've known girls but I, I...

I've never known girls.

You know?

Then... you are like me.

Yeah.

Scared.

Well?

What do you think?

I, I, I, I, I, I, I...

I am really scared.

[Dinosaur laughs]

and then, she chased you...

APRIL: and you ran into...

Wait! Wait! Wait! Skip over that part.

How's it going?

SKEEMER: Pretty spooky Cap.

These stones and bones know everything.

SKEEMER: She's got them telling my whole life story.

You think that's suitable for mixed company?

Maybe I'd better change the subject, huh?

Very interesting Skeemer.

But I think it's your turn to stand guard duty.

Now go find Turbo and bring him back if you can.

There's certainly no future in that.

You know, trouble with being a regular army...

is that you're always sticking your neck out...

while the girls are sitting comfy back at home.

I'll bet they're kicking back right now...

with a big bowl of strawberries.

[Roaring and screams]

[Roaring]

[Shouts]

[Screaming]

[Screaming]

CAPTAIN: Well it looks like a no show.

SKEEMER: She's probably out on a bender.

BRAIN: She might not even come back.

APRIL: She will come back.

APRIL: She's a mother.

TURBO: You can say that again.

There must be something we can do to bring her around.

Any ideas Kincaid?

Yeah Brain, think of something.

Well, I have an idea that might work.

But it's a little risky.

Risky physically or risky... financially?

What have you got in mind Kincaid?

Here, I'll diagram it out for you.

[Screams]

JUNE: [Screams]

TURBO: Hope this works.

SKEEMER: Don't worry. It will.

Quiet, I think I hear something.

[Thudding footsteps]

[Screams]

[Roaring]

CAPTAIN: Come on, let's move!

JUNE: [Screams] DINOSAUR: [Roars]

CAPTAIN: Die you dinosaur dick!

One of these days...

Ho! Right in the kisser!

CAPTAIN: Damn it! You did it!

TURBO: I did?

SKEEMER: You did it!

[Cheers]

[Cheers]

CAPTAIN: Come on, we've got to make a meal out of this thing...

we've got a village to feed.

And so, by my authority...

as queen of this island...

I now pronounce you, caveman and wife.

You may kiss the princess.

Well Skeemer...

I guess you won't have to face that trial I was taking you back to.

I've still got the old ball and chain, if you know what I mean.

I guess that's punishment enough.

BRAIN: Where have you been?

We had some celebrating of our own to do.

I was a bad boy.

April, is polygamy legal on this island?

Captain...

I just want to tell you how brave I thought you were in battle.

Why thank you very much, your Majesty.

I've never seen a warrior with such strength.

It's too bad you wish to leave us.

It is?

This tribe could use a king.

Well, since you put it that way.

What does this mean?

It means we get to live happily forever after.

[Laughs]