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1
00:00:00,491 --> 00:00:03,760
If there were a hypothetical
compost vessel
2
00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:07,905
for... hypothetically... our doodie,
3
00:00:07,907 --> 00:00:09,507
would you hypothetically be into that?
4
00:00:09,509 --> 00:00:12,276
Sure! I been crashing on
friends' couches for a month,
5
00:00:12,278 --> 00:00:15,579
so I can literally move in
to-morr-ow, all right?
6
00:00:15,581 --> 00:00:16,980
Let me ask you this.
7
00:00:16,982 --> 00:00:19,016
When I take a shower,
will you keep me company?
8
00:00:19,018 --> 00:00:20,518
Not... Not in the shower,
9
00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:22,420
just, like, sit on the toilet
and talk to me?
10
00:00:22,422 --> 00:00:24,087
Okay.
11
00:00:24,089 --> 00:00:26,417
Okay, I just have one final question.
12
00:00:26,428 --> 00:00:30,503
- Mm-hmm.
- What is your stance on the Olsen twins?
13
00:00:30,514 --> 00:00:33,096
Oh, my God, girl, the Olsen twins.
14
00:00:33,098 --> 00:00:35,466
It drives me nuts, you understand?
15
00:00:35,468 --> 00:00:37,701
- Part of it is like I feel sorry for them.
- Yes.
16
00:00:37,712 --> 00:00:39,471
But they also billionaires,
so I hate them.
17
00:00:39,482 --> 00:00:42,052
- Yes! Right.
- But, I mean, did they ask for this?
18
00:00:42,063 --> 00:00:43,633
- No, they did not. Okay?
- Unh-unh.
19
00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:45,508
Why would you have Uncle Jesse
20
00:00:45,510 --> 00:00:48,978
picking them up, kissing
them to get women?
21
00:00:48,980 --> 00:00:50,780
What woman sees that as a turn-on?
22
00:00:50,782 --> 00:00:52,415
What kind of move is this?
23
00:00:52,417 --> 00:00:54,751
Child, that whole set
is about to be Bill Cosby.
24
00:00:54,753 --> 00:00:56,118
- You hear me?
- Bizarre.
25
00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:58,087
Okay? MeToo moments every damn where.
26
00:00:58,089 --> 00:01:00,457
- That's it. I mean, give it to me.
- For real.
27
00:01:00,459 --> 00:01:01,758
- Lay it down.
- Hello?
28
00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:02,959
I mean, we vibing, right?
29
00:01:02,961 --> 00:01:04,394
- Child.
- Ye-e-es!
30
00:01:04,396 --> 00:01:05,595
- Beezy!
- All ri-i-ight!
31
00:01:05,597 --> 00:01:06,629
Ha ha ha!
32
00:01:06,631 --> 00:01:08,364
Ah, yes!
33
00:01:08,366 --> 00:01:11,032
Now, just tell me, what
room do I take, okay?
34
00:01:11,034 --> 00:01:14,370
Well, you have officially
secured yourself a backup offer.
35
00:01:14,372 --> 00:01:15,571
Backup?
36
00:01:15,573 --> 00:01:17,105
It's just that I have one more
37
00:01:17,107 --> 00:01:19,783
brown-eyed, goy-nosed, fat-assed,
38
00:01:19,794 --> 00:01:21,943
beautiful candidate left to explore.
39
00:01:21,945 --> 00:01:24,383
Well, girl, you've literally
just described me.
40
00:01:24,394 --> 00:01:26,778
[CHUCKLING] Well, it looks
like I have a type. [SIGHS]
41
00:01:26,789 --> 00:01:28,384
I will get back to you in 24 hours.
42
00:01:28,386 --> 00:01:30,952
Can you make it 23? 'Cause
I really love this place.
43
00:01:30,954 --> 00:01:32,153
[CLATTER]
44
00:01:32,155 --> 00:01:33,541
That's never happened before.
45
00:01:33,552 --> 00:01:36,191
♪ Four and three and two
and one... one ♪
46
00:01:36,202 --> 00:01:38,770
♪♪
47
00:01:38,781 --> 00:01:41,075
- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 -
- www.addic7ed.com -
48
00:01:41,166 --> 00:01:42,463
I'm scared.
49
00:01:42,465 --> 00:01:43,931
I don't know how to say it
50
00:01:43,933 --> 00:01:47,528
or when or where or how exactly.
51
00:01:47,539 --> 00:01:50,705
Ugh. You haven't told Ilana
you're moving to Colorado yet?!
52
00:01:50,707 --> 00:01:52,473
I do not envy you.
53
00:01:52,475 --> 00:01:54,842
When we told her we were
getting rid of her car,
54
00:01:54,844 --> 00:01:57,812
- we took her to see Savion Glover...
- King of tap.
55
00:01:57,823 --> 00:02:01,315
and we even snuck in a
backpack of sour cherry straws...
56
00:02:01,317 --> 00:02:03,183
Those are her favorite... and she still
57
00:02:03,185 --> 00:02:05,158
wanted to declare legal emancipation.
58
00:02:05,169 --> 00:02:06,568
And you better tell that bitch soon
59
00:02:06,579 --> 00:02:08,389
because I'm only good
up to a certain point
60
00:02:08,391 --> 00:02:09,724
when it comes to keeping a secret.
61
00:02:09,726 --> 00:02:11,235
Like, 12 hours ago,
62
00:02:11,254 --> 00:02:14,318
Eliot tells me he's having an affair...
63
00:02:14,329 --> 00:02:15,441
Can you believe this?...
64
00:02:15,452 --> 00:02:18,465
with a married man, married to a woman!
65
00:02:18,467 --> 00:02:20,352
He's a homewrecker, Abbi!
66
00:02:20,363 --> 00:02:22,101
Fuck. See? 12 hours.
67
00:02:22,103 --> 00:02:23,770
Ugh. I can't help myself.
68
00:02:23,772 --> 00:02:25,472
Okay, okay, I-I'll do it today.
69
00:02:25,474 --> 00:02:28,074
Butter her up... flowers,
weed, something special.
70
00:02:28,076 --> 00:02:30,410
Just tell me it's gonna be okay.
71
00:02:30,412 --> 00:02:31,778
Bobbi?
72
00:02:31,780 --> 00:02:33,680
Bob, you're froz...
73
00:02:33,682 --> 00:02:37,851
Okay, I can see the ceiling fan
still moving in the background.
74
00:02:37,853 --> 00:02:39,553
[LAPTOP CHIRPS]
75
00:02:39,555 --> 00:02:42,255
♪♪
76
00:02:42,257 --> 00:02:44,057
[SIGHS] Okay.
77
00:02:44,059 --> 00:02:45,325
[ILANA LAUGHS]
78
00:02:45,327 --> 00:02:46,559
ILANA: What?
79
00:02:46,561 --> 00:02:48,428
Dude, what? Wait.
80
00:02:48,430 --> 00:02:52,265
We both bought each other a dozen roses?
81
00:02:52,267 --> 00:02:54,133
[LAUGHS]
82
00:02:54,135 --> 00:02:55,568
That is amazing. Can you believe...
83
00:02:55,570 --> 00:02:58,137
- Okay, these are for you.
- And those are for you.
84
00:02:58,139 --> 00:03:00,200
Can you believe we are
so psychically linked?
85
00:03:00,211 --> 00:03:02,583
No, and... and, luckily, nothing...
86
00:03:02,594 --> 00:03:06,118
you know, no space or time
or distance or anything...
87
00:03:06,129 --> 00:03:09,215
would ever change that or take
that away. Not even death.
88
00:03:09,217 --> 00:03:11,550
- That's hot.
- Yeah.
89
00:03:11,552 --> 00:03:13,752
So, today, we are going to do something
90
00:03:13,754 --> 00:03:16,155
that you have wanted
to do forever, baby.
91
00:03:16,166 --> 00:03:17,202
What?
92
00:03:18,093 --> 00:03:20,126
[LISPING] "Sleep No More"!
93
00:03:20,128 --> 00:03:21,594
[LAUGHS] Are you serious?
94
00:03:21,596 --> 00:03:22,862
[NORMAL VOICE] Uh-huh!
95
00:03:22,864 --> 00:03:25,764
God, I love living in New York City.
You just... You can't beat it.
96
00:03:25,766 --> 00:03:29,007
You get to be physically near the
cutting edge of art and culture
97
00:03:29,018 --> 00:03:32,671
and then, just a mere decade later,
actually afford to experience it.
98
00:03:32,673 --> 00:03:34,104
- Mm-hmm.
- But wait.
99
00:03:34,115 --> 00:03:36,074
Aren't you gonna be too scared to go?
100
00:03:36,076 --> 00:03:38,198
I mean, I'm excited. I am also scared,
101
00:03:38,209 --> 00:03:40,059
but it is gonna be scary, right?
102
00:03:40,070 --> 00:03:41,905
It's not intended to be scary.
103
00:03:41,916 --> 00:03:44,435
It's kind of like interactive,
modern version of "Macbeth."
104
00:03:44,446 --> 00:03:46,184
Ooh! Shakespeare.
105
00:03:46,186 --> 00:03:49,287
I love Shakespeare, all his stuff.
106
00:03:49,289 --> 00:03:50,589
Mm.
107
00:03:50,591 --> 00:03:52,457
God, Shakespeare was fucking cool,
108
00:03:52,459 --> 00:03:55,027
'cause he was bisexual as hell, dawg.
109
00:03:55,029 --> 00:03:58,463
Also, you see visible vulva
and penis in this show.
110
00:03:58,465 --> 00:03:59,697
Ah!
111
00:03:59,699 --> 00:04:01,500
This is gonna be so good,
112
00:04:01,502 --> 00:04:03,301
because I want to go
into this new experience
113
00:04:03,303 --> 00:04:06,004
because, like, I want to
be uncomfortable to grow.
114
00:04:06,006 --> 00:04:07,920
Beesh, I hear deesh,
115
00:04:07,931 --> 00:04:10,942
'cause I believe in us growing together,
116
00:04:10,944 --> 00:04:12,877
no matter what form that may take.
117
00:04:12,879 --> 00:04:15,380
Me too, dude.
118
00:04:15,382 --> 00:04:18,216
Together forever!
119
00:04:18,218 --> 00:04:19,884
♪♪
120
00:04:19,886 --> 00:04:23,109
[HOT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
121
00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:24,396
Petticoats, please.
122
00:04:24,407 --> 00:04:27,159
If you could keep these
vertical, that would be great.
123
00:04:27,161 --> 00:04:28,825
And, hey, is there a particular
124
00:04:28,827 --> 00:04:30,394
penis-and-vulva viewing room?
125
00:04:30,396 --> 00:04:33,030
I-I was told there would be
visible vulva.
126
00:04:33,032 --> 00:04:35,299
Uh, you know, this is more of a...
127
00:04:35,301 --> 00:04:38,302
this is honestly more of like
a follow-the-action,
128
00:04:38,304 --> 00:04:39,970
choose-your-own-adventure type show.
129
00:04:39,972 --> 00:04:41,505
Just follow the rooms.
130
00:04:41,507 --> 00:04:43,140
I bet it's multiple rooms.
131
00:04:43,142 --> 00:04:44,442
Yeah.
132
00:04:46,145 --> 00:04:48,045
It is scary, see?
133
00:04:48,047 --> 00:04:50,181
20 people on one elevator, yes.
134
00:04:50,183 --> 00:04:51,515
Actually terrifying.
135
00:04:51,517 --> 00:04:52,716
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
136
00:04:52,718 --> 00:04:55,018
[EXHALES] Okay.
137
00:04:55,020 --> 00:05:01,191
♪♪
138
00:05:01,193 --> 00:05:03,993
Things aren't always as they seem here.
139
00:05:03,995 --> 00:05:05,861
Trust no one.
140
00:05:05,863 --> 00:05:08,798
♪♪
141
00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:10,402
[EXHALES DEEPLY] I trust you.
142
00:05:10,413 --> 00:05:11,568
I was right there.
143
00:05:11,570 --> 00:05:13,608
- Me?
- No, not you.
144
00:05:13,619 --> 00:05:14,651
God!
145
00:05:14,662 --> 00:05:17,307
Jesus. You... I trust you.
146
00:05:17,309 --> 00:05:18,941
- Me?
- Oh, my God!
147
00:05:18,943 --> 00:05:20,243
No! What?!
148
00:05:20,245 --> 00:05:21,411
Are you bothering this girl?
149
00:05:21,413 --> 00:05:22,512
Ilana?
150
00:05:22,514 --> 00:05:24,692
Okay. God, let's go. Come on.
151
00:05:24,703 --> 00:05:25,769
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
152
00:05:26,137 --> 00:05:27,883
Oh, cute.
153
00:05:27,885 --> 00:05:30,019
Oh, my God.
154
00:05:30,021 --> 00:05:31,387
Okay, I can't look.
155
00:05:31,389 --> 00:05:33,256
What do you think's gonna happen to her?
156
00:05:33,258 --> 00:05:35,091
Ab, if this is too scary
for you, we can go.
157
00:05:35,093 --> 00:05:36,758
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no.
158
00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:38,427
Yeah, it's just
kind of scary not knowing,
159
00:05:38,429 --> 00:05:40,262
- like, what's gonna happen next.
- [THUD]
160
00:05:40,264 --> 00:05:41,597
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
161
00:05:41,599 --> 00:05:44,566
We gotta do new stuff and expand.
162
00:05:44,568 --> 00:05:46,101
It's the best part of life!
163
00:05:46,103 --> 00:05:48,770
Even if we are scared and
terrified, we gotta do it...
164
00:05:48,772 --> 00:05:50,739
like, new parts of the world, new ideas,
165
00:05:50,741 --> 00:05:52,593
new... new parts of the... the country.
166
00:05:52,604 --> 00:05:54,309
- Ooh, like Queens.
- Yeah, yeah.
167
00:05:54,311 --> 00:05:56,211
Or, like, further wherever, you know?
168
00:05:56,213 --> 00:05:57,579
Like, I'm in, dude.
169
00:05:57,581 --> 00:06:00,752
Girl, I love inner. Go in. Go deep.
170
00:06:00,763 --> 00:06:02,773
And, you know, when your
best friend is by your side,
171
00:06:02,784 --> 00:06:04,219
there's nothing to fear.
172
00:06:04,221 --> 00:06:07,088
- [FART]
- [LAUGHS]
173
00:06:07,090 --> 00:06:08,156
Oh, man.
174
00:06:08,158 --> 00:06:09,958
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
175
00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:11,993
[SNIFFS] Ew, do you smell that?
176
00:06:11,995 --> 00:06:14,763
Yeah, someone must have
crop-dusted us all, huh?
177
00:06:14,765 --> 00:06:16,464
Brilliant theatrical choice!
178
00:06:16,466 --> 00:06:18,767
It was me. [CHUCKLES]
179
00:06:18,769 --> 00:06:19,834
Wait.
180
00:06:19,836 --> 00:06:22,503
♪♪
181
00:06:22,505 --> 00:06:24,205
Oh, my God. Shitfuck.
182
00:06:24,207 --> 00:06:25,725
Nurses are never good.
183
00:06:25,736 --> 00:06:28,442
Although I do love the long-lost
art of letter-writing.
184
00:06:28,444 --> 00:06:30,611
I'm just like, "Where are
the chills and/or thrills?"
185
00:06:30,613 --> 00:06:32,346
You know, I want to be
either really scared
186
00:06:32,348 --> 00:06:34,448
- or really horny.
- Are you kidding me?
187
00:06:34,450 --> 00:06:36,280
This is the creepiest
fucking thing I've ever seen.
188
00:06:36,291 --> 00:06:38,096
- Oh, my God!
- [MAN GROANING]
189
00:06:38,107 --> 00:06:39,907
I don't want to go on!
190
00:06:41,290 --> 00:06:43,190
Yeah, it's working.
191
00:06:43,192 --> 00:06:44,658
It's working.
192
00:06:46,062 --> 00:06:49,329
Gorgeous cursive.
193
00:06:49,331 --> 00:06:52,632
Yes! Candy! Okay, jackpot.
194
00:06:52,634 --> 00:06:54,401
Oh, my God.
195
00:06:54,403 --> 00:06:56,070
Except...
196
00:06:56,072 --> 00:06:58,338
I know what's going on. This is like...
197
00:06:58,340 --> 00:07:00,340
What if this is like a little sweet spot
198
00:07:00,342 --> 00:07:01,909
so they... you let your guard down
199
00:07:01,911 --> 00:07:03,461
'cause you're, like,
surrounded by candy,
200
00:07:03,472 --> 00:07:05,248
and then this is where
they really hit you
201
00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:07,715
with, like, the terrifying,
like, terrible stuff.
202
00:07:07,717 --> 00:07:10,184
Chill out. Nothing
terrible's gonna happen.
203
00:07:10,186 --> 00:07:13,120
- I mean, you don't know that, but...
- In fact...
204
00:07:13,122 --> 00:07:16,022
I know how to make
- a sweet memory even sweeter.
205
00:07:16,024 --> 00:07:17,590
[CHUCKLES] Okay.
206
00:07:17,592 --> 00:07:21,227
Abbi, you are the best thing
207
00:07:21,229 --> 00:07:22,517
that's ever come into my life,
208
00:07:22,528 --> 00:07:24,063
and I know I'm taking a big swing here,
209
00:07:24,065 --> 00:07:25,765
but I'm just gonna go for it.
210
00:07:25,767 --> 00:07:28,167
So, as I look for a roommate
to replace Jaimé,
211
00:07:28,169 --> 00:07:29,568
I'm thinking, like,
212
00:07:29,570 --> 00:07:31,337
"Abbi and I spend
a lot of time together.
213
00:07:31,339 --> 00:07:33,368
"We get along." [LAUGHS]
214
00:07:33,379 --> 00:07:36,575
Why not spend more time together?
215
00:07:36,577 --> 00:07:39,178
I'm talking covering each
other's rent once in a while.
216
00:07:39,180 --> 00:07:42,014
I'm talking knowing what
each other's orgasms sound like
217
00:07:42,016 --> 00:07:44,083
instead of merely fantasizing about it.
218
00:07:44,085 --> 00:07:45,118
[CHUCKLES]
219
00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:48,653
Abbi Gary Anna Abrams...
220
00:07:48,655 --> 00:07:51,256
[SMOOCHING]
221
00:07:51,258 --> 00:07:54,059
will you be my roommate?
222
00:07:54,061 --> 00:07:55,160
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
223
00:07:55,162 --> 00:07:58,463
[SIGHS]
224
00:07:58,465 --> 00:07:59,831
Uh, I...
225
00:07:59,833 --> 00:08:01,199
You know what? [CLEARS THROAT]
226
00:08:01,201 --> 00:08:03,135
Don't even worry about it.
Never happened. Uh, I...
227
00:08:03,146 --> 00:08:04,602
[CHUCKLES] I-I get it.
228
00:08:04,604 --> 00:08:06,437
I acknowledged the swing-size,
229
00:08:06,439 --> 00:08:08,506
and I even secured a backup offer.
230
00:08:08,508 --> 00:08:10,976
She's very fucking cool,
so it's... it's chill.
231
00:08:10,978 --> 00:08:12,244
It's... It's chill. I really...
232
00:08:12,246 --> 00:08:13,544
It's cool.
233
00:08:13,546 --> 00:08:15,213
No. No, no, no... Wait, wait, wait.
234
00:08:15,215 --> 00:08:16,581
Dude, not... It's...
235
00:08:16,583 --> 00:08:17,715
[INHALES DEEPLY]
236
00:08:17,717 --> 00:08:19,317
Fuck. Okay.
237
00:08:19,319 --> 00:08:21,753
You're scaring me.
238
00:08:21,755 --> 00:08:24,721
I-I didn't want to tell you
when we were in here.
239
00:08:24,723 --> 00:08:25,890
All right, all right.
240
00:08:25,892 --> 00:08:27,658
I-I was going to tell you today.
241
00:08:27,660 --> 00:08:30,594
Um, I got accepted
242
00:08:30,596 --> 00:08:33,964
to an artists' residency program
243
00:08:33,966 --> 00:08:38,202
in Boulder...
244
00:08:38,204 --> 00:08:41,438
Colorado.
245
00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:44,441
And I'm gonna go.
246
00:08:45,912 --> 00:08:49,379
I was, um, gonna sell my shit
247
00:08:49,381 --> 00:08:55,285
and use this as an opportunity to move.
248
00:08:55,287 --> 00:08:58,021
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
249
00:08:58,225 --> 00:08:59,858
- What...
- Ilana!
250
00:08:59,860 --> 00:09:01,426
- the fuck...
- Dude? Ilana?
251
00:09:01,428 --> 00:09:03,261
- are you talking about?!
- Ow!
252
00:09:03,263 --> 00:09:04,596
Ilana, um...
253
00:09:04,598 --> 00:09:07,398
We need to get you into therapy today.
254
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,735
This is an emergency, okay?!
255
00:09:09,737 --> 00:09:11,069
This is an emergency!
256
00:09:11,071 --> 00:09:12,604
Okay, fun fact-o, Ilana...
257
00:09:12,606 --> 00:09:15,774
Did you know that you
could fly to Boulder
258
00:09:15,776 --> 00:09:17,575
on a connecting flight through O'Hare
259
00:09:17,577 --> 00:09:20,860
with a layover in Pittsburgh for $42?
I mean...
260
00:09:20,871 --> 00:09:23,539
I had never looked up how
to fly to "Boulder."
261
00:09:23,550 --> 00:09:24,602
Ew!
262
00:09:24,613 --> 00:09:26,012
- All right, all right.
- O'Hare?!
263
00:09:26,023 --> 00:09:27,452
I don't know what that is!
264
00:09:27,454 --> 00:09:28,486
Is that Gaelic?!
265
00:09:28,488 --> 00:09:29,587
This is a little...
266
00:09:29,589 --> 00:09:30,956
Google, what is Boulder?!
267
00:09:30,958 --> 00:09:32,190
- [MAN MOANS]
- Jesus!
268
00:09:32,192 --> 00:09:33,725
- No!
- God.
269
00:09:33,727 --> 00:09:35,381
You didn't even tell me
you were applying.
270
00:09:35,392 --> 00:09:37,398
Do you not consider me someone
to talk shit through with?
271
00:09:37,409 --> 00:09:40,931
- Are we not partners in that way?
- Of course I do, Ilana.
272
00:09:40,933 --> 00:09:43,468
You're my only friend.
273
00:09:45,605 --> 00:09:47,754
Well, I guess you've been
stuck with me for awhile,
274
00:09:47,765 --> 00:09:49,657
- but not anymore.
- [BROKEN GLASS CRUNCHES]
275
00:09:49,668 --> 00:09:51,976
No, dude, no. I-I don't feel that way.
276
00:09:51,978 --> 00:09:53,944
Ilana, wait. Just wait.
277
00:09:53,946 --> 00:09:56,447
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]
278
00:09:59,252 --> 00:10:01,118
Oh, my goodness.
279
00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:02,887
Ilana? [CHUCKLES]
280
00:10:02,889 --> 00:10:04,656
Yeah. Vulva.
281
00:10:04,658 --> 00:10:07,958
You have ruined the best part of
this interactive production for me.
282
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,093
Not now.
283
00:10:09,095 --> 00:10:11,461
I'm sorry, dude. I-I'm sorry.
284
00:10:11,463 --> 00:10:14,799
I feel really stuck in my life
right now, okay?
285
00:10:14,801 --> 00:10:16,000
Nope. Nothing.
286
00:10:16,002 --> 00:10:17,467
I need a change.
287
00:10:17,469 --> 00:10:19,469
This is just like you with grad school.
288
00:10:19,471 --> 00:10:21,806
I mean, you were settling into a track
289
00:10:21,808 --> 00:10:23,740
and figuring out your career.
290
00:10:23,742 --> 00:10:25,642
Yeah, but I picked a school in New York.
291
00:10:25,644 --> 00:10:28,813
I factored you in.
I always factor you in.
292
00:10:28,815 --> 00:10:30,815
Otherwise, I would've talked
to you about it.
293
00:10:30,817 --> 00:10:34,451
I know. I-I know. I-I'm sorry.
294
00:10:34,453 --> 00:10:37,354
Well, does... does anybody else know?
295
00:10:37,356 --> 00:10:41,257
I mean, I just talked to my mom
and... and your mom.
296
00:10:41,259 --> 00:10:43,327
You told my mom?!
297
00:10:43,329 --> 00:10:45,028
That is so violating to me.
298
00:10:45,030 --> 00:10:46,262
Ugh!
299
00:10:46,264 --> 00:10:50,166
I'm sorry. Just hold on a second.
300
00:10:50,168 --> 00:10:51,868
Ilana?
301
00:10:51,870 --> 00:10:54,404
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
302
00:10:54,406 --> 00:10:57,741
♪♪
303
00:10:57,743 --> 00:11:01,164
[SIGHS] What a bitch.
304
00:11:04,362 --> 00:11:05,395
[SLURPS]
305
00:11:05,406 --> 00:11:08,051
Ilana, come on.
306
00:11:08,053 --> 00:11:12,755
I... can... not believe...
307
00:11:12,757 --> 00:11:15,524
that you would not tell me this shit
308
00:11:15,526 --> 00:11:17,593
if there was even a chance of you going.
309
00:11:17,595 --> 00:11:21,430
Dude, I was scared. I-I
mean, I'm still scared.
310
00:11:21,432 --> 00:11:23,432
Do you think that I want to leave you?
311
00:11:23,434 --> 00:11:26,034
[SCOFFS] No, I almost wish
I didn't even get in
312
00:11:26,036 --> 00:11:27,503
so I wouldn't even have to do this.
313
00:11:27,505 --> 00:11:28,604
Ha ha ha.
314
00:11:28,606 --> 00:11:29,805
Like you're not gonna get in
315
00:11:29,807 --> 00:11:31,741
to some art program you apply to.
316
00:11:31,743 --> 00:11:36,144
You are the best artist
in the world of all time!
317
00:11:36,146 --> 00:11:37,913
No, I'm not.
318
00:11:37,915 --> 00:11:39,882
Are you kidding me? No, I'm not.
319
00:11:39,884 --> 00:11:42,518
I need to go out and do this thing
320
00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:44,854
and... and have an audience
that's more than just you
321
00:11:44,856 --> 00:11:47,789
and... and my parents.
322
00:11:47,791 --> 00:11:49,557
This is the first opportunity I have had
323
00:11:49,559 --> 00:11:53,327
to finally live and breathe art
324
00:11:53,329 --> 00:11:55,229
rather than breathing in,
325
00:11:55,231 --> 00:11:57,899
like, leftover prosciutto-wrapped dates
326
00:11:57,901 --> 00:12:00,368
that I stole from my catering gig.
327
00:12:00,370 --> 00:12:02,069
They're so good, though.
328
00:12:02,071 --> 00:12:04,572
Yeah, I know. That's why
I continually take them,
329
00:12:04,574 --> 00:12:06,574
but, I mean, then rats come,
330
00:12:06,576 --> 00:12:08,643
and I just, like, haven't
figured out how to...
331
00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:09,911
It wouldn't be an issue
332
00:12:09,913 --> 00:12:11,713
and you wouldn't have to leave New York
333
00:12:11,715 --> 00:12:13,415
if you just flushed them down the toilet
334
00:12:13,417 --> 00:12:14,783
or wrapped them in tinfoil
335
00:12:14,785 --> 00:12:16,551
and then put them
in a five-gallon Ziploc.
336
00:12:16,553 --> 00:12:18,620
It's not about me not knowing
how to flush them.
337
00:12:18,622 --> 00:12:19,921
It's not about that.
338
00:12:19,923 --> 00:12:21,655
I mean, it is a teeny bit about, like,
339
00:12:21,657 --> 00:12:23,657
the methodical strategies
340
00:12:23,659 --> 00:12:25,793
in which we have to avoid rats.
341
00:12:25,795 --> 00:12:27,661
For the past eight years,
342
00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:32,099
I have cleaned out
- hundreds of people's pubes
343
00:12:32,101 --> 00:12:33,600
out of toilet bowls.
344
00:12:33,602 --> 00:12:38,772
So many strangers... so many...
345
00:12:38,774 --> 00:12:40,274
have thrown up on me.
346
00:12:40,276 --> 00:12:43,610
You do get thrown up on
an exorbitant amount.
347
00:12:43,612 --> 00:12:45,612
Yeah.
348
00:12:45,614 --> 00:12:50,151
Dude, I am 30 years old.
349
00:12:50,153 --> 00:12:51,852
I'm done with New York.
350
00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:54,687
[EXHALES DEEPLY] Yeah.
351
00:12:54,689 --> 00:12:56,489
I get it.
352
00:12:56,491 --> 00:12:58,558
I'm really sorry. I'm sorry.
353
00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:00,793
I'm really... I'm gross.
354
00:13:00,795 --> 00:13:03,463
I made this all about me,
and it's not about me.
355
00:13:03,465 --> 00:13:05,698
But I thought you would've told me,
356
00:13:05,700 --> 00:13:07,834
but, you know, I just need time.
357
00:13:07,836 --> 00:13:09,769
I need time to process this, I...
358
00:13:09,771 --> 00:13:12,439
process the thought of you leaving.
359
00:13:12,441 --> 00:13:14,874
Once I have that for a few months,
360
00:13:14,876 --> 00:13:16,843
[SIGHS] you know, whatever...
see my therapist,
361
00:13:16,845 --> 00:13:18,511
double up for a little while,
362
00:13:18,513 --> 00:13:20,646
and... and push it through a little bit.
363
00:13:20,648 --> 00:13:22,983
Just a little time, and it'll be okay.
364
00:13:22,985 --> 00:13:26,319
I'll be there to support you, I promise.
365
00:13:28,755 --> 00:13:30,022
So, speaking of...
366
00:13:30,024 --> 00:13:32,324
- Sorry.
- Speaking of time...
367
00:13:32,326 --> 00:13:34,793
Speaking of... Uh, speaking of time...
368
00:13:34,795 --> 00:13:37,196
[BREATHES SHAKILY]
369
00:13:37,198 --> 00:13:38,530
[CLEARS THROAT]
370
00:13:38,532 --> 00:13:44,069
So, the... the program
starts in two weeks.
371
00:13:44,071 --> 00:13:46,571
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
372
00:13:46,573 --> 00:13:51,076
♪♪
373
00:13:51,078 --> 00:13:53,940
What... are... you talking about?!
374
00:13:53,951 --> 00:13:55,314
- [CLATTERING]
- Don't leave!
375
00:13:55,316 --> 00:13:56,482
Oh, my God. Stop doing this.
376
00:13:56,484 --> 00:13:58,350
We've had years together, bitch!
377
00:13:58,352 --> 00:14:00,419
- You crazy fucking bitch!
- Holy shit.
378
00:14:00,421 --> 00:14:03,154
- What are you talking about?!
- Ilana, stop. Ilana?
379
00:14:03,156 --> 00:14:05,256
- [SCREAMS]
- [CROWD GASPS]
380
00:14:05,258 --> 00:14:08,959
[RUSTLING, APPLAUSE]
381
00:14:12,682 --> 00:14:15,450
So, uh, what do you want to do now?
382
00:14:15,461 --> 00:14:17,461
I think we should just go home.
383
00:14:17,463 --> 00:14:20,530
Come on, Ilana. We can't
end today like this.
384
00:14:20,532 --> 00:14:22,031
It's still early.
385
00:14:22,033 --> 00:14:26,069
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
386
00:14:26,071 --> 00:14:27,704
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
387
00:14:27,706 --> 00:14:29,439
[EXHALES SHARPLY] Thank you.
388
00:14:29,441 --> 00:14:31,174
Wow. Oh, my God.
389
00:14:31,176 --> 00:14:34,310
I need something in my stomach so bad.
390
00:14:34,321 --> 00:14:36,521
Mmm!
391
00:14:39,817 --> 00:14:42,518
Are you not... you're not into it?
392
00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:44,553
I'm just not that hungry.
393
00:14:44,555 --> 00:14:47,190
Ilana...
394
00:14:47,192 --> 00:14:48,491
you are the best friend
395
00:14:48,493 --> 00:14:51,694
I have ever had in my whole life.
396
00:14:51,696 --> 00:14:55,031
And I know that everybody is leaving.
397
00:14:55,033 --> 00:14:57,466
I'm sorry. I know that this is, like,
398
00:14:57,468 --> 00:14:59,702
the worst timing.
399
00:14:59,704 --> 00:15:03,672
I just... Dude, I...
400
00:15:03,674 --> 00:15:06,342
I need to, like, change my life.
401
00:15:06,344 --> 00:15:09,978
I could do this in New York
with you forever.
402
00:15:09,980 --> 00:15:12,080
Exactly.
403
00:15:12,082 --> 00:15:16,385
I don't want to.
404
00:15:16,387 --> 00:15:19,422
Not because of you... not because
I don't want to do this with you.
405
00:15:19,424 --> 00:15:22,024
It's just, I'm gonna be illustrating
406
00:15:22,026 --> 00:15:23,526
all day, every day.
407
00:15:23,528 --> 00:15:26,762
Like, all the time, I'm
gonna be immersed in it.
408
00:15:26,764 --> 00:15:30,900
I need you to be with me
for this next journey, dude.
409
00:15:30,902 --> 00:15:34,570
I... Like, I need that.
410
00:15:34,572 --> 00:15:37,640
You ruined "Sleep No More" for me.
411
00:15:37,642 --> 00:15:40,943
I didn't even get to get off
during the orgy scene.
412
00:15:40,945 --> 00:15:44,078
Get off? In the... In the room?
413
00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:47,582
People do. It's really dark.
414
00:15:47,584 --> 00:15:52,720
You know, Ab, I've always
looked up to you,
415
00:15:52,722 --> 00:15:54,923
and I've always admired you
416
00:15:54,925 --> 00:15:57,892
for being a deep and mysterious queen,
417
00:15:57,894 --> 00:16:01,195
but I'm gonna be...
418
00:16:01,197 --> 00:16:03,264
right there with you.
419
00:16:03,266 --> 00:16:06,968
I'm gonna watch you and...
420
00:16:06,970 --> 00:16:10,104
let you fly, or whatever.
421
00:16:10,106 --> 00:16:16,176
I know that this residency
is gonna be a good experi...
422
00:16:16,178 --> 00:16:17,711
[GAGS] Ew.
423
00:16:17,713 --> 00:16:19,045
[COUGHS]
424
00:16:19,047 --> 00:16:21,314
- Mm. Wow. Sorry.
- You all right?
425
00:16:21,316 --> 00:16:24,918
What I mean to say is that I know
426
00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:27,955
that this experience is necessary
427
00:16:27,957 --> 00:16:31,057
for your [GAGGING] growth. Ew.
428
00:16:31,059 --> 00:16:34,962
[COUGHING]
429
00:16:34,964 --> 00:16:36,029
Okay.
430
00:16:36,031 --> 00:16:37,130
Sorry. Sorry.
431
00:16:37,132 --> 00:16:38,331
You all right? Okay.
432
00:16:40,102 --> 00:16:41,167
I'm really proud of you.
433
00:16:41,169 --> 00:16:44,037
[BREATHING DEEPLY]
434
00:16:44,039 --> 00:16:45,806
Thank you so much, dude.
435
00:16:45,808 --> 00:16:48,074
That means the world to me, really.
436
00:16:48,076 --> 00:16:50,276
Listen, Ilana, you're gonna become,
437
00:16:50,278 --> 00:16:52,845
like, this badass therapist
who teaches people to grow
438
00:16:52,847 --> 00:16:54,807
the way you helped me grow.
439
00:16:54,818 --> 00:16:57,111
I mean, you're gonna teach them
how to feel their feelings
440
00:16:57,122 --> 00:16:59,352
and how to do sex the right way.
441
00:16:59,354 --> 00:17:02,122
- There's no right way.
- See?
442
00:17:02,124 --> 00:17:03,823
This is what I'm talking about.
443
00:17:03,825 --> 00:17:05,858
Can I ask one thing of you?
444
00:17:05,860 --> 00:17:08,561
Anything, dude. Whatever.
445
00:17:08,563 --> 00:17:11,531
I want more of your hair.
446
00:17:13,468 --> 00:17:15,468
I want a long-ass tail for sniffing.
447
00:17:16,506 --> 00:17:18,071
Uh...
448
00:17:18,073 --> 00:17:19,339
[SCISSORS SLICE]
449
00:17:20,766 --> 00:17:22,199
I-I shape my phone wigs
450
00:17:22,210 --> 00:17:24,377
when the train gets stuck
between stations.
451
00:17:24,379 --> 00:17:26,311
Um, so...
452
00:17:26,313 --> 00:17:28,880
Okay. Sure.
453
00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:31,683
I-I-I would love to.
454
00:17:31,685 --> 00:17:33,218
Ab.
455
00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:35,454
I'm not talking about shavings.
456
00:17:35,456 --> 00:17:36,855
The root.
457
00:17:36,857 --> 00:17:40,025
You should feel metal
on your scalp skin.
458
00:17:40,027 --> 00:17:41,660
Okay.
459
00:17:41,662 --> 00:17:43,195
- [INHALES SHARPLY]
- [SCISSORS SNIP]
460
00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:50,802
Thank you.
461
00:17:52,773 --> 00:17:54,306
Okay.
462
00:17:54,308 --> 00:17:56,675
[SNIFFS]
463
00:17:56,677 --> 00:17:59,044
[SIGHS]
464
00:17:59,046 --> 00:18:02,646
Yeah, well, I mean, I don't know
when the sun's gonna set,
465
00:18:02,648 --> 00:18:04,615
but maybe we can, like,
walk a little bit down...
466
00:18:04,617 --> 00:18:06,584
Okay.
467
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:07,718
Talk soon.
468
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:09,487
Okay, handshake.
469
00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:17,695
♪♪
470
00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:21,365
Yeah, so, you can move in
straight up tomorrow.
471
00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:25,203
Yes! Amazing! Thank you!
472
00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:27,705
And I'm sorry about that
backup-offer shit before.
473
00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:29,673
I promise I will be a normal roommate.
474
00:18:29,675 --> 00:18:32,310
Oh, I-I forgot to tell you
one small thing...
475
00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:36,946
Well, actually, two really big things.
476
00:18:36,948 --> 00:18:38,848
I have two Great Danes.
477
00:18:38,850 --> 00:18:40,717
Is that cool?
478
00:18:40,719 --> 00:18:42,586
Yeah.
479
00:18:42,588 --> 00:18:44,754
Yes! I'm so glad you love dogs.
480
00:18:44,756 --> 00:18:47,124
- Later.
- [CELLPHONE CHIRPS]
481
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:48,400
Okay.
482
00:18:50,162 --> 00:18:52,662
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
483
00:18:52,664 --> 00:18:54,564
[VACUUM CLEANER WHIRS]
484
00:18:54,566 --> 00:19:00,337
♪ I felt anxious when I came,
and things were never the same ♪
485
00:19:00,339 --> 00:19:05,742
♪ I felt anxious when I came,
and things were never the same ♪
486
00:19:05,744 --> 00:19:11,813
♪ I felt anxious when I came,
and things were never the same ♪
487
00:19:11,815 --> 00:19:15,884
♪ I felt anxious when I came ♪
488
00:19:16,379 --> 00:19:19,515
Oh, my God. Lookit, they love you!
489
00:19:19,526 --> 00:19:21,126
- Mm.
- [DOGS BARKING]
490
00:19:21,128 --> 00:19:23,394
Okay, Beyoncé, Jay-Z, let's go,
come on, come on.
491
00:19:23,396 --> 00:19:24,729
Come with Mama.
492
00:19:25,394 --> 00:19:26,526
Come on, let's go.
493
00:19:26,537 --> 00:19:28,671
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]
494
00:19:29,068 --> 00:19:31,202
Ugh.
495
00:19:31,204 --> 00:19:32,370
[CELLPHONE BEEPING]
496
00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:34,244
[BREATHES DEEPLY] What?
497
00:19:34,255 --> 00:19:36,625
Okay, um, Ilana, please don't hang up.
498
00:19:36,636 --> 00:19:38,276
I-I know you need space right now,
499
00:19:38,287 --> 00:19:39,917
and... and I really want
to respect that,
500
00:19:39,928 --> 00:19:42,623
but you have asked me this...
501
00:19:42,625 --> 00:19:46,560
hundreds of times, literally,
since the moment I met you,
502
00:19:46,571 --> 00:19:50,440
and it looks like today is the day.
503
00:19:53,936 --> 00:19:55,769
I'm gonna show you my poop.
504
00:19:55,771 --> 00:19:57,304
[CHUCKLES]
505
00:19:57,306 --> 00:19:59,306
Oh, my God.
506
00:19:59,308 --> 00:20:00,807
This means so much to me.
507
00:20:00,809 --> 00:20:03,343
Okay.
508
00:20:03,345 --> 00:20:05,845
Here we go.
509
00:20:05,847 --> 00:20:06,980
[GASPS]
510
00:20:06,982 --> 00:20:10,084
[LAUGHS CRAZILY]
511
00:20:10,086 --> 00:20:11,518
Fuck!
512
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,020
Queen! You must be an Ashkenazi Jew
513
00:20:14,022 --> 00:20:16,590
'cause you are lactose in-toler-ant!
514
00:20:16,592 --> 00:20:18,125
- Right?
- No way could that have been
515
00:20:18,127 --> 00:20:19,726
all in your stomach at one time!
516
00:20:19,728 --> 00:20:22,027
It was definitely exiting your esophagus
517
00:20:22,029 --> 00:20:23,862
as it was entering your small intestine.
518
00:20:23,864 --> 00:20:25,198
- Whoo!
- I do feel lighter.
519
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,633
Hoo! Thank you. Wow.
520
00:20:27,635 --> 00:20:30,603
[EXHALES DEEPLY] Ilana,
I needed that to work, dude.
521
00:20:30,605 --> 00:20:33,072
I am so sorry, and I knew
522
00:20:33,074 --> 00:20:36,375
that showing you my poop
would cheer you up.
523
00:20:36,377 --> 00:20:38,177
♪ My poop ♪
524
00:20:38,179 --> 00:20:40,580
♪ My poop, my poop ♪
525
00:20:40,582 --> 00:20:42,348
♪ My [DEEP VOICE] poop ♪
526
00:20:42,350 --> 00:20:44,005
- You sound good.
- [NORMAL VOICE] Thanks.
527
00:20:44,016 --> 00:20:46,252
I-I did it a few times
before I called you.
528
00:20:46,254 --> 00:20:49,021
You know, I-I guess this distance thing
529
00:20:49,023 --> 00:20:51,090
could make us closer in some ways.
530
00:20:51,092 --> 00:20:52,691
Thank you for saying that.
531
00:20:52,693 --> 00:20:54,827
Ab.
532
00:20:54,829 --> 00:20:56,328
Can I see it one more time?
533
00:20:56,330 --> 00:20:57,862
Okay, one more time.
534
00:20:57,864 --> 00:20:59,297
And then I really have to flush,
535
00:20:59,299 --> 00:21:01,533
'cause I, like, can't breathe
in here anymore.
536
00:21:01,535 --> 00:21:03,668
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Oh, Jesus.
537
00:21:03,670 --> 00:21:05,069
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
- Dude, no!
538
00:21:05,071 --> 00:21:08,206
Ilana, no screenshots. Delete that.
That's not fair.
539
00:21:08,208 --> 00:21:10,776
- Yamaneika! Come here!
- [DOG BARKS]
540
00:21:11,025 --> 00:21:13,626
- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 -
- www.addic7ed.com -
541
00:21:14,601 --> 00:21:17,070
Ilana, I need to talk to you
about something.
542
00:21:17,072 --> 00:21:20,534
I got accepted into
an artists' residency program
543
00:21:20,545 --> 00:21:24,110
in Boulder, Colorado.
544
00:21:24,112 --> 00:21:28,261
Ilana, say something!
For crying out loud, dude!
545
00:21:28,272 --> 00:21:29,404
Talk to me!
36120
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