Original subtitles

Okay, whose epically bad idea was it

for you to have carpool duty?

Your mother's.

She had to work this morning, so I'm here.

I don't even know what I'm doing here.

Do I get a gun? No!

Well, I mean, a taser would be fine.

All you have to do is open the car door

and help the kids out with their stuff.

Help the kids out?

I mean, if they were legless vets, fine,

but these sticky little twerps... i mean...

Just be helpful.

It's pathetic, okay?

Morning.

Bye, daddy. Love you!

Welcome to hell, kid.

Geez.

Got a lot of books in here.

You don't look that smart.

Open the door.

Open... The door!

Unlock it!

You know, you could be the ugliest kid I've ever seen.

Go away.

Open the door. Just open it.

I'm here to help you!

Respect this reflective vest! What is the matter with you?!

Open the door!

What, are you a moron?! Go! Get out of here!

Go to another school!

Excuse me. What are you drinking?

Breakfast beer.

Alcoholic beverages are not allowed on school property.

Feisty. Who is that?

That's miss Crosby... A.K.A. "The eviscerator."

She's a wrestler?

No. What?

She's the strictest, meanest teacher

you could ever meet.

Sounds like a real wildcat.

♪ I'm back

♪ I'm back

welcome to my humble abode.

Oh, I can't believe we've never actually been here.

Loving the kitsch thing. By choice. Mm, yes.

It's like living in a swap meet.

Where's Danny?

Oh, he's in his room... uh, back corner.

Bye, mom. Okay.

Hmm.

This house is making me crave casserole

for some strange reason, which is very odd

because I haven't the slightest idea

what "casserole" actually is.

So, what is this massively important thing

you have to tell me?

I'm in love.

Say what?

Mm-hmm.

Her pupils turned all heart-shaped.

This is a disaster.

Why? I mean, isn't your mom falling in love a good thing?

Not if you're me. We're the perfect pair.

She's the Bernie taupin to my Elton John.

Who? See?

This is what I'm worried about.

My mom is the only one that gets me.

I've never felt like this before... ever.

I mean, I-I'm pretty sure he's my soul mate.

And when we finally meet, I know...

whoa, whoa, whoa. You haven't even met?

Oh, no. No, darling, no.

I-I just froze as soon as I saw him.

My heart stopped. I couldn't move.

I couldn't speak.

And then... then...

Then I had a moment of self-reflection.

You? Mm.

I mean... Of course you did.

But the period of mourning my first husband is over.

Time to stop burying my grief in a series of random men.

That was mourning?

Oh, sure. Yes, darling. It's a British thing.

But it stops now. No.

Time to get serious, and time for a real relationship.

And I'm telling you... this one...

This one is second-husband material for sure.

Ohhh!

Lulu, I am so happy for you.

And I am going to help you in any way I can.

Thank you.

Well, maybe she's just dating, all right?

My mom dates. It's no big deal.

Dating is one thing. I can deal with dating.

But this Patrick guy...

I think my mom has fallen hard for him.

Why is that so bad?

Because when our moms are in love,

that's where all their attention goes.

We just disappear.

They don't mean it, but that's what happens.

I don't know about you,

but I like my family just the way it is.

Yeah.

We have to make sure this doesn't happen.

I will help any way I can.

Cannon?

Yep.

Are you worried that mom's gonna

fall in love with someone and get married again?

No. No chance.

Usually, people look at me

and they realize it's not worth losing a finger.

Good.

'cause, I mean, this, what we've got going on...

it's awesome.

Just the three of us, you know? Tight family.

Got everything we need.

Couldn't agree with you any more, Danny boy.

I got it.

Touch the door, you're dead.

Oh.

Gorgeous.

What?!

Geena, would you do me a big favor?

Would you wait at the car for sec?

I just want to say good night to the kid.

Okay. Thanks a lot.

Cannon, what are you doing?

That is my teacher. You can't go out with her.

It's... it's unnatural.

First of all, she asked me out.

It was like the fish jumped into my bowl.

What do you want me to do, throw it back?

Yes! Especially if the fish is my teacher...

my crazy teacher, Cannon!

What did you want me to do... she was wearing them stockings

with that black thing running right up the back.

You know what I'm saying?

Just relax... it's just one of those

"where you from? Who do you know?"

Kind of coffee dates, okay?

Take it easy.

This is bad. This is very bad.

Excuse me.

Do you know where I can register

to set up a booth for sports day?

Yeah.

Uh, it's... it's right over there.

Thanks. Mm-hmm.

Whew.

Hi. Hi.

I just met the cutest guy.

Okay, Terry, me first.

My soul mate... he's here.

Oh! Where is he?

He's over there. Oh.

Oh, isn't he perfect?

Yepper. Super-perfect.

Okay, so, where's your guy?

Hmm? Oh! Um... That was, uh...

That was... that was... that was nothing.

You know what? Back to you.

Okay.

I am not freezing this time.

Watch my trip move in action.

What's that?

Well, I trip, I fall into his arms,

the cleavage takes over.

Never fails.

Oh.

Down goes Lulu.

Oh, come on!

He had both feet in!

No, his left foot was out.

Hello again.

Hey.

I just want the cowboys to lose.

Yeah, so you can sneak into that wildcard spot

with a higher conference win/loss percentage.

Look at you, dropping the sports knowledge.

Oh, well, my father raised me on sports.

What can you do?

I'm Terry. Patrick.

So, what brings you to town, Patrick?

I'm divorced.

I wanted a change of scenery, so I opened my practice here.

I'm a pediatrician.

Really? Wow. 'Cause... this is so weird.

Um, my friend Lulu is looking for a pediatrician.

How old is your friend Lulu?

Uh, it's for her son. He's 12.

Well... Here's my card.

Tell her to give me a call.

I will.

Uh, uh, did I, uh, notice

a-a "centipede" game in the corner?

Ohh. Walk away while you can, doc.

I am unbeatable.

Let me get this straight... you love football

and the second-greatest video game ever invented,

next to "Asteroids." Next to "Asteroids."

Well, I got to take off.

Wait... don't you work here?

Yep.

So I'll stay.

And I'll take off.

- You good? - Yeah.

See ya, Terry.

Bye.

Hope I see you at sports day.

Yeah.

I'm assuming, because I coach,

that, uh, teaching is quite rewarding.

I mean, it would be great if it wasn't for the kids.

That's what I thought about parenting.

Excuse me. What is this?

W-w-what's with the waterworks here?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's nothing.

It's just... huh?

It's just I'm... I'm going through menopause and...

No talking about that at dinner...

or, you know, anyplace else, for that matter.

It's... it's just that I'll never have children of my own.

Uh, that... that would be a fact.

But listen... you said, uh, you hated children anyway.

W-w-w-what... what... what... what are you talking about?

Who could hate a child?

You clearly just said...

I love a man with fire.

Oh. It's one of those.

Huh? One of what?

No wonder you ordered a big steak.

There's two of you.

Ooh, I like you, Cannon. You are funny.

Oh, no, no, no. Thank you.

Hey, have you talked to Michael today?

Only like seven times.

Has he... Mentioned anything going on at his house?

You know, is Lulu still having those feelings for that guy?

Oh, you mean Patrick? Is that his name?

Yeah, and Mike was kind of freaking out about it.

He'll be fine.

What I'm getting at is Lulu.

She's, uh... She's pretty driven love-wise, isn't she?

Yeah, that's what Michael said.

She's pretty crazy about him.

That's sweet.

Mom, you gonna play or what?

Hmm? Yeah. Sure.

So, if not talking about him at all is a zero

and talking about Patrick nonstop is a 10,

would you say Lulu is at a solid...8?

Mom, why all the questions?

W-wait.

You like him, don't you?

What?!

No! No.

I'm just making small talk while we play video games.

Uh-huh.

Right.

His name is Patrick Wilson. Mm-hmm.

He is from Chicago.

His favorite game is "Asteroids."

Mm.

And... He's a pediatrician.

Oh! You had me at "pediatrician." Mm.

Oh, and he's a bears fan.

Oh. My dead husband was into bears.

Their names were Tony and Marco.

Talking about the football team, Lulu.

Oh! And that's the game with the tight pants.

Ohh. Yes.

We've got some bad news about this Patrick guy.

If that's even his real name.

What are you talking about?

He's a con man, a shady drifter,

and a real player.

He preys off single moms, like you...

leaves them penniless and heartbroken.

And we're pretty sure he's a serial killer

known as the westlake strangler.

What are you guys doing?

Nothing.

We are just two sons worried about our mothers' safety.

Really? Are you two jealous?

No!

He is.

I'm just helping this guy out.

Danny! You're so funny. He's funny, isn't he?

Well, I do hope all this bad-boy stuff

you guys are making up is true, because...

Ooh, I love me a dangerous man.

Dang it!

Who's it from?

The eviscerator.

It's not ticking.

What do you say? Here we go, huh?

Ah, geez.

"Geena & the Cannon forever."

This is not very good.

You think? I told you you should not go out with her.

You're very smart.

No, I'll just have a talk with her,

go somewhere... Public,

and, um... I'll let her down easy.

And in a way she won't punish me.

No, I-i-i can't promise, you know?

I'll do my best.

But we have no idea what we're dealing with here.

And that's you and me.

I-I painted the beard, gave him a red hat,

and if you lift up his jacket, he's got hair on his back.

That's very terrific.

Please tell me it hasn't got a zipper.

Listen, um... We really have to talk.

Yes, we do! We need to decide where we're going to register.

How about bellevue?

Well, look, um... In my heart,

I really think you're one of the nice...

a really wonderful, wonderful la...

let me stop you right now.

I would be very careful choosing my next words if I were you.

That spirited grandson of yours is teetering

between an "A" and a "B" this semester,

and... We wouldn't want him to ruin his chances

for honor roll, now, would we?

Now give me a kiss.

No, not here.

Where?

How come you hot ones are so crazy?

Talk about... Baseball.

Talk about anything sports-related.

Right. He's a dude.

Well, there was that game... the game was on yesterday.

Hi, ladies.

Oh, hi! Hello. Hi.

You look ready to dominate the balloon toss.

Oh, absolutely.

Just like the Florida manatees did

in yesterday's football parade.

"Game." She means "game."

Do I? Yes. Yes, you do.

Wow. Look at this guy.

We're totally screwed.

Such a poseur.

Where did he even come from, anyways?

What's up, brah?

Did you just say... "Brah"?

Ignore him.

I would never do that.

Yeah, you can't turn your back on family, Terry.

Wait.

He's your brah? Like, your brah brah?

Well, we're half-brahs... same ma...

Different pa.

I'm not wearing a "brah."

Oh, yah.

Sorry. Just wanted to get in on your American fun.

You know, I think him being dick's half-brother

has actually made him even more attractive to me.

I mean, he could have turned out like that,

but instead, he's... That.

I can't believe they're from the same gene pool.

Mm.

I hope to be swimming in at least half of that pool

by noon.

Oh, we are gonna get you in the deep end...

not the shallow, vapid end.

Look, man, just 'cause you're my half-brother

doesn't mean I'm gonna take it easy on you.

I'm a pediatrician. Kids' games are my forte.

Oh, I'm not worried. Look how limber I've gotten.

Check this out.

Look at that.

And balloon toss... joom, joom! Joom, joom, joom, joom!

I'm there... 24/7, all day.

You're still the strangest person I've ever known.

I missed you, man.

I missed you, too, man.

But now... I got to kick your ass.

Bring it, brah.

Oh, I will, brah.

All right, you didn't do so well at the sports talk,

so let's dance with the one that brought you.

Unbutton that blouse a little and unleash the krakens.

Ohh, yes, darling.

I am much more comfortable with that approach.

Perfect. Mm.

Hey, Patrick.

It, uh, looks like you could use

another person for your balloon-toss team.

You know, you should pick Lulu.

She is everything you'd want in a partner.

Oh!

See, that's Lulu's psych-out move.

Yeah, she likes to lull the other team

into a false sense of security.

How about it, Lulu? You want to be on my team?

Yes.

I would love to team up with you.

Awesome. I'll see you out there.

Okay.

You got him! You guys are gonna be on the same team!

Oh, my gosh! It's like a date!

Nothing impresses a man more than a woman

who can walk 50 yards with an egg on a spoon.

Hmm. Now, open up.

Oh! My veneers!

Oh, Lulu, focus!

Wow. Your mom's actually going through with this.

She must really like this guy.

On your mark, get set, go!

Run! No, no, no.

As soon as I move, this is gonna fall.

I've got way too much natural shimmy, darling.

You do it.

Your teeth are just... What they are.

Now, go. Go, go, go! Go on! Catch up! Go on, darling!

Where's the bar?

Hey, nice egg-work! Thanks.

Where's Lulu?

Oh, she had to bow out.

Yeah, she had to save a... Cat...

From a dog... Over there.

Natural enemies.

You know, you'd think by now, they would...

You get it. Okay.

So, I guess we're a team now.

Yeah.

Yeah, don't slow me down, doc.

Looks like your mom has hearts in her eyes now.

Good news for me.

Hey, bud.

Cannon, what is that on your face?

It's a monarch.

There were a couple of hot mamas

in the, uh, face-painting booth over there.

Uh, uh, Cannon, look, you should not be here, okay?

Miss Crosby... she's running around.

She's gonna find you.

Actually, that's good, because I'm here to talk to her.

I got to put an end to this nonsense.

Okay, I'm sorry... i cannot take you seriously

with this butterfly on your face.

It's a monarch.

You ready to lose?

My dad was a lot stronger than your dad, so we'll see.

Oh, you think so?

Doesn't matter. You're going down, bro. Wrong!

We got this.

Oh, yeah. I'm small, but feisty.

I've noticed.

Pull! Pull!

No! No!

Mom, pull! Come on! Go!

Danny, I'd like a word with you.

Uh-oh. "Uh-oh" is right.

Make sure your grandfather knows

that if he breaks up with me,

you can expect a world of pain.

Every test you take, every move you make,

I'll be failing you.

I'll be failing you.

Look, miss Crosby,

please just stay away from my granddad, all right?

You two are not meant to be together,

and there's no spark.

I am not getting any younger,

and I will not... will not... spend my golden years by myself,

trying to find happiness in ceramics.

Are we clear?

Hey. Here, take this.

Go ahead. Take it. I paid for it.

Even if you two get together,

I don't think you'll have a very healthy relationship.

I...Don't... Care!

What the heck?!

Where are you going?!

My kid!

Hey... teacher!

Leave that kid alone.

Danny, what's going on here?

Oh, she... she threatened to fail me

if the Cannon doesn't keep seeing her.

She's crazy, mom.

Check that.

All right, now, you listen to me, fruitcake.

You get in my son's face again,

you're gonna have a problem with me, okay?

'Cause as crazy as you think you are,

you have not met the gannons.

She is right. We out-crazy everyone.

I mean, my granddad has a butterfly on his cheek.

Look at that.

It's a monarch.

Stay away from me,

and more importantly, stay away from my grandson.

Yeah.

You so much as look at him the wrong way,

I'm coming after you.

See it in the eyes? See it?

I will end you.

Now say you're sorry.

Say it!

I am... Terribly sorry.

Yes!

Guys, look, I was worried

that people would come between us and our family,

but after that,

I'm positive that's not gonna happen ever again.

I love you guys.

Aww. I love you, too, bud.

Come on, Patrick! That's it, darling!

Pull! Pull!

Isn't he lovely, darling? Look at him.

He is, mom.

I think you guys would make a great couple.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Oh, thank you, darling.

Ohh.

Come on, Patrick, darling! You've got this!

Come on, Patrick! Yank it!

Come on!

Come on! Go!

Aaaah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Nice job! Fun day.

It was a fun day.

It's good to have you back, brah.

Hey, doc.

Walk with me.

Okay. What's on your mind?

You'll see.

Oh!

Oh! Well done, darling.

Well done, darling. Well done.

I'm gonna name it "Patrick."

Okay.

Hi, Terry.

Um, I just wanted to say

thank you so, so much for bringing Patrick and I together.

You're a true friend, darling.

Oh, Lulu, you guys are gonna be so happy together.

Yes, and I have a great idea.

I'd love to buy you dinner tonight...

you know, just to say "thank you" and to celebrate.

That sounds perfect.

Wonderful.

Well, I'll see you at the sidecar at 8:00?

Great.

Great.

There you go, ma'am. Enjoy.

What are you doing here?

I was supposed to meet Lulu.

She told me the same thing.

So, what now?