Original subtitles

Guess who's coming home today?

Granddad! Well, thank you. First has been nominated for a small business

A person, Adam Wyatt, is on the judging committee.

He's a massive dick.

Please tell me this lovey -dovey crap will end once you two are actually

married. Yes, which means there's only 13 days of it left. Holy shit!

Did you bring your gun?

No.

No, they never gave me one. Well, where's me then? You mean you've not

Well, me and my...

Well, that's what you saw. It was when we dropped off at Jamaica.

Oh.

Did I wake you? Wake me?

You've kicked me 19 times.

That's a very specific number.

Well, I've been keeping count.

Is it your mum?

I half wish I could put off telling her just... just one more day.

You've done that twice already.

There's only so many times you can say that Charlie's ship's been delayed

it starts sounding like the Poseidon Adventure.

You have to tell her today.

I know, I know.

I didn't mean to weigh you, I'm sorry.

It's OK.

I think I'll go downstairs and watch telly for a bit.

Give us another kick before you go, will you?

I don't like leaving it on an odd number.

Thank you.

Weirdo.

That'll be your lift.

Even his car horn sounds wet.

Bloody drive -share schemes.

As if working with him all day isn't bad enough.

Thought it seemed quite nice.

He's adrift.

The sooner he figures out police work isn't for him, the better.

Dan?

Well... He's got a mini.

What? The guy's taller than me and he's got a mini.

And what the bloody hell's that in the back window?

Oh, it's a teddy in a little blue uniform.

Have a good day.

Hello.

It's already gone to work, I'm afraid.

Oh, no, that's OK. I'm on mail duty.

I thought I might as well hand out the ones on the close.

Ah, the wedding invite. Thank you.

Say. Do you want to see something funny?

Morning. Hope you like Taylor Swift.

See you later, love.

What's wrong with it?

What?

Six hours ago, he couldn't sleep.

But a few pages of this, it set your eyes off, didn't it?

A few pages?

It's too long.

I think you're building this up too much. It's just a little do of other

restaurants, not the Oscars.

Is this your way of getting out of wearing that tux?

No. Well, why haven't you tried it on, like I asked?

I don't need to try it on. I wore it at that party.

Two years ago.

What are you saying?

Nothing.

Oh, God.

My mum will be ringing any minute to find out what time the non -existent

getting in.

gone with you. No.

I need to do this myself.

Oh, hello. I thought you'd gone.

Where's Dad's invite?

Uh, there isn't one.

Why not?

Greg? This had nothing to do with Greg.

I was the one who decided not to invite him. Well, why not?

Well, Dad wouldn't want to come anyway.

You don't know that.

Look, Ella, to be fair, it probably would be a bit weird for him. Hello,

you met our family? Weird is what we do.

People get remarried all the time and stay friends. I never said we weren't

friends. You can't even look him in the eye when he comes over.

What, you think we haven't noticed?

Tell her, Greg.

Look, Mum, this wedding means as much to me as it does to you.

I need Dad there. It's important.

He won't want to come, Ella.

We could ask him.

Maybe we should ask him.

Well, why don't you do that then, Greg?

If you can find time in between gossiping about me with my own daughter.

Tanya.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I just woke up.

Just give me time to get my head together, OK?

Is that OK, then? Yeah.

Welcome to Fergus Tower.

The master bedroom.

Eh? What?

Ian Rush.

Oh, I'm not good with art, eh?

Spare bedroom one, a .k .a. the gold room.

Oh, it's very gold.

Yes, it is. Very gold, yes.

Spare bedroom two, Josh's room.

Oh!

Yes!

That's right, have a play.

Yes, I've just turned daddy weekends off to a mother.

Wow.

You really like it then?

I love it.

Only, um, isn't it a bit big?

Well, it's not that big.

One person.

Dinny, two years ago, I was sleeping in the office.

A year after that, I was kipping on your sofa.

Do you have any idea how humiliating that was?

Very.

Yeah, don't I?

The point is, this is exactly what I need at this stage in my life, some

my own space.

I don't ever want to go back to sleeping on a sofa again.

And you never will.

Oh, I'll have to buy you a housewarming present. I love buying housewarming

presents. What do you want? I know, I'll have a picture to hang over your sofa.

Denise, I don't want you spending a penny on me.

Oh, don't worry.

I've just made a nice little print.

I'm not going to be forking out a genuine Ian Rush or anything.

Morning,

Officer Miller.

How's that new puppy of yours?

Fine. How's that guilty conscience of yours?

Gold by year, the valkyrie, fortunately.

Eh? Why, I don't feel bad about it, either.

Oh. I trust the coin.

What can I say? I want to see the coin.

Show me the coin!

Is that our row, sir?

Oh, speed traps.

That's exciting.

No, no, Oliver, it's not. It is literally the most boring thing you

be assigned, ever.

Oh, right.

Do you not like it, then?

How are you?

I tried to ring you earlier. I figured you'd be on the way to Liverpool.

Do you mind if I just... What are you doing?

Can we go inside?

Do you want a coffee or anything?

I, uh... I've tried to call him.

Oh. His phone will be long gone.

You know the drill.

Did he say you wanted a coffee or not?

I know.

Mum.

Look, I've spoken to Lisa.

If you want, I can move in here for a couple of days. What the bloody hell

I want you to do that for?

Eh?

Dan, it's hardly earth -shattering news, is it?

Your dad's found a new fancy woman.

Again.

It's what he does.

Cruise ship full of merry widows.

I'm surprised it's taken three trips.

I just... I don't think you should be by yourself.

corner and cry.

I stopped doing that a long time ago, Dan.

Your dad knew the score.

He knew he was on his last chance. So, that's it now.

End of.

Besides, you've got Lisa's awards thing tonight, haven't you?

Have you tried your tux on yet?

Tux is fine.

It was signed two years ago.

What?

Don't do this.

Dan.

I'm okay.

I promise.

Now, if you're not stopping for a drink, just clean your up, will you?

I've got a lot on today. I do have a life, you know.

And he speak this simile.

I bombed you.

I told you we should have got here early.

Grab one of them cushion seats.

Signing up to one of them dating websites?

No.

What then?

Can't keep waiting for you, Barry.

Woman has needs, you know.

I borrowed Finn's computer last night.

And I had to look through some for our age group.

You should sign up.

Me, Barry?

I don't think so.

Why not?

They attract all sorts of weird odd balls.

I know.

But I'm hoping whoever I pick won't find a doubt until at least the third date.

I'm sorry.

Am I interrupting something?

I know for a fact that there's nothing remotely funny about the parable of the

barren fig tree, so clearly there's some private joke.

It's keeping you two amused.

Don't look at each other, look at me.

Is there something you want to say?

No. I'm sorry?

No. No.

Then perhaps I may be allowed to continue.

Thereafter, thou shalt cut it off.

So?

Something special for the big night, is it?

Yes, please.

And,

uh... He'll be there, I suppose.

Who?

She means Adam Wyatt, Lisa.

Remember, she got cross because he didn't recognise her.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you, Denise.

Well, I'm not sure he'll actually be there in person.

No, he will. He's the one handing out the awards.

Denise, will you shut up? The woman is holding scissors.

Oh, relax.

I'm going to bury them.

Move the day.

Right, so what are we doing then?

Oh, um, I don't know.

Denise? I'm not sure, really. I don't think it needs much doing to it at all,

Lisa. I've always loved your hair.

Oh, I've always loved your hair, too.

Aw. Aw.

Thanks.

I tell you what, then. Why don't I do yours like Denise's and Michelle can do

yours like Lisa's?

Or we could just do a general tidy.

Try it.

You all right?

It's just my girlfriend.

Joe.

Well? You think?

It's good.

It's nice.

Yeah, it's good.

It's nice.

It's good.

It's nice.

More paperwork.

And it's 500.

Yeah. Although, yeah.

OK, then.

Cheers.

That's your little operation I see you've got going on there.

Mm -hm.

I don't know.

Seeing Fergus in his new house, all happy and settled, it just got me

that's all.

Actually, it was your mum who put the idea in my head.

Mother -in -law, thank you.

You don't want to be listening to her. She's a lunatic.

I have been single a very long time.

Oh, come on, Denise. You must get loads of offers.

From where?

I don't go anywhere. I don't do anything.

I'm not getting any younger.

I mean, I'm almost 30.

Well, you know what they say.

There's someone out there for everybody.

Well, what if there's not, though?

Oh, what if there was one for me?

And I met him.

I didn't realise.

Like the bloke that served me the other night in the chippy who said he liked me

caught. Oh.

You're aiming high, I think.

It doesn't work like that, Denise.

When you know, you know.

Anyway, what are you having about?

Never go anywhere. What are we doing here?

Going to a big awards show tonight?

You might meet someone there.

No, I don't think so.

It's a business awards.

We'll all be in the 40s.

How's that then mood of yours going?

Wavering. Oh, just about right. There, thank you.

Oh, hello. No, I do not.

Well, I didn't actually say anything to do with that, so... Do you know what has

happened to the church since you left it?

Wreck and ruin, that's what. Oh, really?

And there's no need for you to smirk, neither.

They have replaced you with a woman.

Yes, well, actually, women have been part of the church for some time now,

Well, I... I don't care how long women have been anywhere.

Barry, tell him.

What she means is this one's a bit... She's a cowbag.

I won't go that far. A vicious cowbag.

Everybody thinks so.

Look at my photos.

Traumatised. What are you going to do about it?

Why would I do anything about it?

Because it is your fault.

No, no, no, it really isn't.

Nor, actually, is it any of my business.

Not any more.

So, excuse me.

Just you remember, Deuteronomy 3, 11.

What was that passage there?

Oh, I don't know, Barry.

They all generally say the same thing.

Come on, darling.

All right.

You probably don't want to hear this, but... I kind of see where your mum's

coming from.

The guy's her ex -husband.

And with everything that's happened, I mean... You know, all my life,

my mum's mantra has been, next year, things will be normal. Next year, things

will be normal.

And now, finally, they almost are.

I just think we need that one last big step, you know?

Closure.

A dad has changed. He has. I mean, you know that more than anyone.

He even likes you now.

He doesn't like me.

Tolerates me, maybe.

But he still doesn't think I'm good enough for you.

Still thinks I'm... I don't know.

Dodgy.

Well, to be fair, Finn, I have just stood there and watched you sell a

stolen car.

No, you haven't.

You watched me sell two stolen cars welded together.

But I didn't steal them, so my conscience is clear.

Oh.

Oh, well, that's all right, then.

All right, Dom?

Yeah. Dom!

Oh, sorry.

Hello, sweetheart.

Aw.

Did you have a nice time at church with your granddad? No, she didn't.

None of us did.

Oh, well.

I don't suppose you meant to, really.

I take it you've spoken to Pauline, then?

My mum always reacts in one of two ways to this sort of thing.

Option A, full -on emotional breakdown, or option B, blind, violent rage.

So what did you do this time?

Option C.

What's option C?

I don't know yet.

You all right, Pauline?

Of course I'm all right. I want to be.

Roger?

Roger? So you're working for Terry and Margaret?

And you live in no storeroom. It's not really a storeroom, per se. It's a sort

of... You said you had a bungalow.

Well, it doesn't have any stairs.

I... I'm not allowed to open that.

Roger,

what happened?

The diocese owns the vicarage.

So I had to move out into a travel lodge.

Savings ran out.

So one day I... Came in here and Terry said if I helped out a bit, I could stay

in here.

Sorry, just to be clear, Roger, they are paying you as well, aren't they? You're

not just working here for bed and board.

Jesus, Roger!

There's a word for that! Slave labour!

Technically, that's two words, but they do... Oh, my God! Where is he?

They're back.

You're not supposed to be in here. Roger, why don't you have a throat?

No death.

Guests? You do know that what you two are doing in here is illegal, don't you?

Have you looked in our cupboard?

Listen, lad, what two consenting adults choose to get up to in private is their

business, OK?

And it's certainly not illegal, as far as I know.

What? I'm talking about the unpaid labour.

So you haven't looked in our cupboard?

Right, shut that thing, pick it up and follow me.

He has just quit.

Holly, can I ask you a question?

Yep.

Why do you want to be a police officer?

I don't know, really.

Order, I suppose.

Yeah, I think that's it. I like things ordered.

Ordered? Yeah.

It's very messy, the world, isn't it? I've always thought that.

Very confusing.

Probably always will be, you know.

Bad people doing bad things, even though it doesn't make sense. It's just the

way it is.

I don't think anyone will ever fix it, but... It doesn't hurt to try, does it?

You want to fix the world?

Well, do my part, anyway.

It's not the wrong answer.

Annoyingly, it's about the best answer to that question I've ever heard.

Yeah?

Huh?

Loving every time.

Gregory!

On your own?

Yeah. Yeah, I wanted a quick word about the wedding.

Did you?

Well, I'm no expert, but if you value my opinion, then I'd say white roses.

You can never go wrong with them. Yeah, yeah.

The flowers are sorted, thanks.

That's nice.

Did you choose them?

Drink. No, no, I'm not stopping.

I was just wondering whether you wanted to bring someone.

No, you weren't.

Sorry? Did Tanya know you were here?

Yeah. And she asked you to ask me that, did she?

Mate, I'm just trying to figure out numbers. Well,

as it turns out, I can't get any cover for that date.

You can assure us she had nothing to worry about.

No one's worried about anything.

Quick, can I give you a bit of advice?

You've got two weeks to go.

Don't go picking at that scar now.

Bradley, I don't know what you think's going on here, but me and Sam, you're

fine.

I'll take you off the list.

So I was on it, then.

Well, in that case, you're right.

Nothing to worry about.

Sorry, I can't make it.

It's very gold.

Yes, it is. Very gold, yeah.

You really don't have to do this, you know.

It's only temporary, you know, until we can figure out something for you.

Look, Roger, I've been there, OK?

Living in a travel lodge and kipping on sofas.

Yes, yes, that's right, yes.

Yes, I had completely forgotten that once upon a time your life was a total

disaster.

need to mention that. No.

Right, well, listen, I've got to get changed and head off to this awards do,

why don't you make yourself a home?

Not too a home.

Then we'll work out a plan of action when I get back.

Yes.

I

wonder

what was in that cupboard.

You're twisting it. No, let me be clear. You're saying that there's something

going on between us. I didn't say that.

No, but you implied it.

What's going on?

We're having a row. Haven't you ever seen one before? Hello, Finn.

A row about what?

About who our favourite Spice Girl is. What do you think we're rowing about,

Ella? Your dad.

Who Greg has suddenly decided that I still have unresolved feelings for.

Greg? Um...

I said issues.

Unresolved issues.

Implying feeling.

I wasn't implying anything.

That's because you don't know what implying means.

You see, I said this.

I told you, didn't I? This is why we need closure. If you just invited him...

did invite him. Greg went round there this afternoon and invited him.

He said no.

He what?

He said no, Ella.

He made some excuse about not having weekend bar stuff. Which apparently

he's got unresolved feelings too. Issues. You both do. All three of you

Come on, Finn. Let's go.

Bye, Finn.

I knew it. I bloody knew it. It's fine.

I don't have to breathe out that often.

What's Cracker lacking?

What's she doing here?

I think she's looking for the bathroom.

Well, she's about 20 yards out.

No, no, no, she's brought Alyssa over to babysit with us.

She wants to borrow my laptop.

What for?

No, don't tell me.

I said you should have tried that on.

Thanks for that, Jeff Bank.

Everyone's a sodding expert.

Hello?

I'm out on duty at the moment, so I'm not really supposed to do this.

But I thought you should know an officer's been sent round to Pauline.

What? It's fine, it's fine. Nothing's wrong.

Apparently someone made a complaint about something.

I think they just talked to her and left.

But I'd figured you'd want to know.

Yeah. Yeah, thanks for coming out. I appreciate it.

No problem.

Tell me you got that.

What's going on?

I don't know. My mum.

What about her? Has something happened?

No, she's fine, apparently.

OK.

You'd better go.

What?

You sure?

Yeah, of course, Dan.

Family.

Go on.

turn this thing on.

What's going on now?

Dan's had to go and see Pauline, which means I'm stuck going to my big night

sounds escort, which I have no intention of doing.

Infernal contraption.

Don't hit it, don't hit it, don't hit it.

Hi, Tanya.

This is going to sound really strange, but do you mind if I borrow Greg for the

evening? It's just that this is an awards show and... No, there's no need

explain. You can have him.

In fact, you can keep him.

He's coming in.

Oh, he's at work.

Oh, shit.

Do you want to come in?

Dan's at the Vale the Awards show. Family emergency.

And you know what a big deal this is to me.

I can't... Don't just show up on me, Todd.

Is, er, Finn here?

You want to take my 21 -year -old son out on a date, do you?

It does sound a little strange when you put it like that, I suppose.

So is he in at all?

No! He's out with his 21 -year -old girlfriend, as far as I know. Sorry.

Although... I'm at a bit of a loose end tonight.

You? Why not?

I assume it's an open bar.

Of course.

It's a very big event.

Hang on a minute.

You just want to have it out with Adam Wyatt, don't you?

I swear.

I'll be on my best behaviour.

Of course.

After the awards themselves have been handed out.

After the awards have been handed out. And after I have left.

Deal.

Right, well, go and get changed, then. You've got five minutes.

Full of need.

No papers in the glove box?

No.

No.

Have you had anything to drink this evening?

No.

Have you taken any illegal substances?

No.

Do you mind stepping out of the car, please, sir?

Why?

Because I asked nicely.

Finn.

You know they're having a big fight now, don't you?

Sorry, I'm going to need a bit more to go on than that.

Why aren't you coming to the wedding?

I explained to Greg. No, don't even try that. You can get cover.

Excuse me, do you want to work Saturday the 28th, double time? Don't answer

that.

I think maybe you should come up to the flat.

No, we're fine here.

Uh, maybe we should all just... Shut up, Finn.

Right.

You promised me.

that things would be different now. You promised me that we were all just going

to move on. They are, and we have.

So what's the problem, then?

I need to know you'll be there.

Why does it matter?

Why? Closure, Dad!

Closure!

Moving on doesn't always mean closure.

Not everybody gets that.

Not everybody deserves it.

Are you saying Mum doesn't deserve closure?

After all that you've... I'm saying I don't!

Dad. Go home, slow it down.

This way.

Look

on

the right and it's fine.

I thought it was supposed to be a big event.

It is a big event.

Probably through here.

We're here for the Gaspers.

The what?

The Gaspers. The business thing.

Oh, yeah, that.

Up the corridor.

Function room.

Function room!

Had to do this, Dan.

Everything.

Clothes.

Keychains. Things we bought together.

Photographs.

Memories. Oh, Mum.

I had two, Dan.

It's a whole lifetime of... A whole lifetime of lies.

Broken promises.

It had to go.

All of it.

This time it had to go.

Because... Because I can't do this anymore.

I can't.

I can't.

I can't.

So is this it?

Oh, that's good.

Denise! Oh, good to see you.

And of course.

And, um... And, uh... Jenna. Yeah, Jenna. Yeah, that's right. Good. Well,

um, good luck. And, uh, I'll be at the bar after.

Good year?

2012.

The Olympics?

Please don't be Terry and Margaret.

Please don't be Terry or Margaret. Please don't be Terry or Margaret.

Hello? Hello?

Oh. If not, um...

Sorry, I was looking for Fergus.

Ah, he's gone out.

Right. You are?

Uh, I'm Roger.

Roger. Okay.

Um, but Fergus does live here, does he?

Yes. Great.

Sorry, you are?

Jane.

No. His ex -wife?

Mother of his daughter?

Okay. Are you in focus?

How's the hair?

Salesperson of the year, ladies and gentlemen.

And now, the next award is the Yearly Full Business Award, recognising

achievements in independent and freelance start -up companies.

And the winner is... Hustler Recruitment.

I'm not a managing director. I'm a senior recruitment consultant.

And a damn good one.

Bitly, sir. Yeah.

I should admit... Both over here for the paper.

So we're all in.

First the recruitment, everybody!

Oh, help me pick, Barry.

Find me a looker.

I don't think I'm qualified to judge.

Oh, don't be stupid.

You're quite capable of discerning whether another man is handsome or not,

aren't you?

Not really.

I think I'll write to this one, then.

Him? I think his face has character.

Character? It doesn't even got teeth. No, no, no, no. Give it here.

It shouldn't be too long now.

Right.

Sorry, you never actually said... So do you live here or...? Me?

No. Well,

yes, but not, you know, not really.

I'm sort of in between.

Sorry, does Fergus know that you're coming here because he didn't say

to me? No.

No, he's no idea.

I'll make you a nice cup of tea.

I'll make a kitchen.

Oh,

cheer on.

Are you wondering yet?

No, I didn't.

Some woman called Linda did.

Plus, I had a whole speech prepared.

Plus, he shoved me out of the photo. Where is the pillock, anyway?

Still want me to wait for you to leave before I remind him I really am?

No.

I don't.

I want to be right there.

And when you're finished, I'm going to let him know who Lisa bloody Johnson

really is.

You were right.

I doubt that.

No, you were.

And you were right, too. That I wasn't aiming high enough for the bloke from

chippy. Well, no one can say that now, can they?

Steve, what have you done?

Nothing. He gave me his number.

And he said I'm going to call him any time between two and three.

Right.

Where is he? Oh, he's left.

He's what? Yeah, I'm going to have to go too. Got to pick up Josh and my mum.

Oh, Lisa, it's been a brilliant night.

Team Versa!

Did you, er... No, I didn't.

I put down in the report that we chased him and he gave us the slip.

I decided to leave out the bit about you being too busy texting your mates.

Well, I was texting my mum, actually. That really doesn't make it any better,

Ollie.

Look, apparently, the car was a cut -and -shut job.

Two vehicles welded together.

So it's not a complete loss.

At least we can follow up on that.

All right.

See you tomorrow.

Wait, don't you want to, uh...

I'm going to walk.

Okay.

See you tomorrow.

Gotcha!

It's a funny story.

that I would have stayed up with you all night.

And I know how to save a life.

The what?

They don't look like a serial killer.

They never do, do they?

Better told them can get away with it. What part of this scenario made you

thinking about your mother?

Jane, this is all true, isn't it? Pre -wedding paranoia.

That's all this is. There's nothing going on there. Look, Ella, it's with