Original subtitles

What are you doing?

Nothing.

What time is it?

Eight. Why?

She's here!

Who is it?

Oh, thank you!

Page eight!

The wanderer returns.

Dan?

Dan?

Oh! I'm not Dan.

Oh, sorry, Dad.

I can't read without my glasses, Flower.

Dan? Can't this just wait?

What?

All right.

Where's the duck?

What duck?

Molly's rubber duck.

I don't know.

What are you doing with your hands?

I don't think that's any of your business. Can we shut up about duck and

and read this out?

We are delighted to finally announce the full list of nominees for this year's

Gazette Small Business Awards.

Or the Gaspers.

Industry term.

Kolchek Fibre Optic. Managing Director, A. Kolchek.

Summerhouse Car Rental and Valet. Managing Director, P.

Clarke. Chocolate. Fantastic.

Oh.

First a recruitment.

Managing Directors, F. Smythe and L. Johnson.

L. Johnson?

That's me?

I'm very proud of you, Petal. Oh, well, it's no big deal, really.

I'm not going to take it too seriously. Don't quit it!

This is a bit... It's a bit weird, isn't it?

We should probably... Yeah.

Yeah.

Come on, sweetheart.

Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!

tell me this lovey -dovey crap will end once you two are actually married?

Yeah. Which means there's only 13 days of it left.

Oh, wow.

Better take it up a notch, then. Oh, yeah.

You still haven't sent the invitation.

Yeah, we thought you'd do it. Why should I do it?

Because we're busy being lovey -dovey.

Don't. It's a surprise.

Surprise? Yeah, for the road trip.

Road trip?

We're only going to Liverpool, same as we do every four months. I don't know

you always get so excited about it. Because it's the only time I actually

out of the house.

Oh, rubbish.

Dad, honestly, the way you're going, it's like we keep your cats in here,

some sort of living manservant.

The towel, madam.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, yeah, very funny.

Right, I'm off.

Have a good day.

See you tonight.

What time are we going?

When my mum gets here to look after Molly. Go on, play with your duck or

something.

Road trip.

All right?

Are you new?

Yeah. Ollie.

Can.

Nice to meet you.

Miller, a word.

You've met Ollie Oliver, then?

Ollie Oliver?

That's his name? No.

No, his name's Oliver Oliver.

But I think he goes by Ollie to make it less confusing.

It doesn't work.

Anyway, he's a good kid, just out of training.

Just? Looks about 25. 26.

It's, uh...

Took him a few attempts.

But don't let that bother you.

Bother me? Why would it bother me, specifically?

Look, Cameron, his uncle's a Met Commissioner.

Oh, God. Me hands are tied.

Don't say it. He just needs a mentor.

Why me?

Because you happen to be one of the most experienced and professional members of

the force we have.

Oh, you bastard.

A superintendent bastard to you.

Responsibility discharged.

Good luck.

Oh, hey.

Do the labour, will you?

Take a picture for me.

What? Post it on the job, won't you? Put it on Facebook.

Oh, wait, hang on.

Something's missing.

Have you got a junction on you?

Pauline's here.

Can we go now, Dan?

Oh, charming.

Now then, button nose, guess who's coming home today?

Grandad!

Pauline, I'm Grandad, Charlie's grandpa.

Same thing.

No, it's not. You muddle her up. I'm sure she's bound to start confusing you

with my six -foot -two husband.

All right, Mum?

Yeah, more than all right.

Charlie's coming home today.

Eh? Maybe I should come with you to pick him up and Barry could stay here.

No. I'm only messing.

I know how much you two look forward to your little road trip.

Oh, don't you start. It's not a road trip.

How is it not a road trip? Is it on a road?

Are we going on a trip?

I think you're already on a trip.

You know, I'm a good man not to give you your surprise.

Oh. Right, ship's due in at three.

We should be back by six.

I'll keep my phone on.

Yeah, no worries.

Hey, you coming down the dog and dart tonight?

No, I'm not.

Well, it's the grand reopening.

You think I'm going to start frequenting a pub run by Bradley Dawson?

I like my kneecaps where they are, thanks.

People can change, Dan.

Fred's a legitimate businessman now.

So was Tony Sobrano.

Oh, suit yourself.

Have fun on your road trip.

It's not a road.

Daniel! Bradley.

Hope I'll be seeing you at the big reopening tonight.

Of course.

I wouldn't miss it. What are you saying you were... Get in the van. What are

you... Get in the van. Get in the van.

Morning. Dad.

Oh.

And, Finn, you're here too, having breakfast.

Thanks, Dad.

You're called to give Ella a lift in and bags in my left. Anyway, what are you

doing here? I thought you'd be busy preparing for tonight.

I am. Last -minute leafleting campaign, in fact. There you go.

And there you go. Good for one free drink.

Of course, I know you don't really drink.

I don't?

Not when you're out accompanying my daughter.

Dad!

What? I'm joking.

I'm not joking.

Early start in the morning, anyway.

Drinks voucher for tonight.

Thanks.

Wedding invite?

Yeah, you might as well pick yours now.

They're not filled out yet. So?

So I want them done properly.

Right, well, I'd better go and get the rest of these handed out. I hope to see

you all tonight.

Bye, Dad.

See you.

Finn, we ought to be going as well. Yeah.

Cheers for the fried bread.

No problem.

See you later.

Yeah.

out those wedding invites today.

Bye, Mum.

Oh,

sorry, darling. See you later.

This weekend, probably.

I told you I've just got a few more bits of furniture to move in and you and

Josh can come over. How many toilets does it have?

Two. Oh, check you out, Mr Toulouse.

Do you not think you'll rattle around in there, though?

No. No, not at all.

When you've lived in bed -sit land as long as I have, a bit of rattling's a

blessing.

That was the personal secretary of Mr Adam Wyatt.

Oh!

You don't know who that is, do you? I don't know.

Tell her, Fergus.

Never heard of him.

Oh, sometimes it's like working with a muppet.

Do you two never read these things?

He's one of Manchester's biggest property -developing millionaire -type

Oh, is that him, then?

What?

No, it's just some old bloke.

What are you showing it as for, then?

I don't know.

The point is, he's on the judging panel of the Gaspers, and he's coming round to

look at this place this afternoon.

So I say we take an early lunch and we be back here by one to bring our A game.

We're on.

Come in, Fergie. Oh, no, no, no, no. I'll just grab something from the cafe.

What? I think it's time.

That's a surprise.

Cowboy hat.

Yep.

Why would I want to wear a cowboy hat?

Because I've made it a mix stick.

A mix stick?

Yeah, it's like a mix tape, only... Only on a stick?

Yes. Yes, I get it, thanks.

If you think I'm driving all the way to Liverpool dressed as Roy Rogers, you've

got another thing coming.

Oh, I think you will.

What are we doing here?

You see that garage?

It's actually just a front for some Lebanese arms dealers.

Someone to try and break in round the back and I need you to cover me. Did you

bring your gun?

No.

No, they never gave me one.

Hey.

They're not Lebanese arms dealers at all, are they?

You're hazing the rookie, aren't you?

No, I'm not hating the rookie, because if I was, then that would mean we were

living inside an American cop movie, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

What?

Police are here!

It's just my dad.

Yeah? It's still a cop, though, isn't it?

No, Dad.

Yeah, yeah.

You left it at home.

Your mum made me go and pick it up for you. She does know I'm a grown -up,

right? No.

All right?

Yeah. Belt in. Yeah, yeah.

How is the new job?

It's insulating.

It's a one direction.

Oh, don't ask.

I'll see you tonight.

Yeah, see you.

You're too thin.

She's not too thin, Nana.

She's too thin.

Look at her.

Could lose her down the back of a radiator.

Now, what were we talking about?

First has been nominated for a small business award.

Oh, that's boring.

Let's talk about something else, eh?

Oh, ignore her.

I don't even know why she's here.

Well, there's no big deal or anything.

It's a big bite, big bite. Mind you, a certain Adam Wyatt is on the judging

committee.

Adam Wyatt?

Hey, Denise, some people have heard of him. Oh,

we've heard of him, all right.

Haven't we, Nana?

He's a massive hit.

Roger? Oh, hello, you. Oh, that was you.

I hardly recognised you without your frock.

Cathart. Cathart.

The Cathart.

That's long gone. Yeah, well, I know, much like you.

Haven't seen you for months, can I?

Didn't expect to run into you here, though.

Doesn't seem like your kind of place at all.

No, well, it's local.

Oh, so you live around here, then?

Yes, I have a small bungalow.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah,

I just bought myself a new house as it goes.

Old mod cons.

Two loos.

Oh, lovely.

Listen, I was sorry to hear about you and the meter.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you know, to be honest with you, I'm happy on my own these days.

So what about you, anyway? What are you up to?

I'm, uh...

Writing a novel.

Get out of it. Seriously.

What sort of novel?

Horror. What, like Stephen King?

No, no, certainly not like that. No, it's more in the tradition of classic

storytellers like M .R. James or E .G. Swain. You know that lot.

Oh, God, what is that?

Nobody seems to know.

Funny. I thought they put a plaster on it.

You've got blood on your hands now.

Sorry? Customers coming in this afternoon will be leaving with one ear

them coming in. Wait.

It can't be that bad.

Can it?

It's a bloody nightmare.

Five years we have to live next door to him.

About the only good thing to come from downsizing was getting away from the

prick.

Parties. Two or three times a week with crap music.

Beep, beep, boop, boop, stop.

Why didn't you complain?

To whom?

Half the bloody district council was on the guest list. And those that weren't

were too busy dealing with the complaints.

He'd made it out of.

What complaints?

Tell him about the plum tree.

He made us cut down our plum tree.

Because one branch crossed the boundary and occasionally the odd plum would fall

into his garden.

Andy blocked our planning application for a conservatory.

Mostly. Cos it would have stopped him perving on me when I was sunbathing.

He used to do that to me too.

No, he didn't, Nana.

He did.

He was a pervert, not a fetishist.

Do you know, I've always regretted not giving him what for the day we moved.

That would have been sweet.

Really telling him what I thought of him.

Oh, well, he's coming round ours this afternoon.

What?

He's not.

What are you on about?

You said that... That his secretary, his secretary is coming round.

That's what I said.

We'd better get ready for her.

Come on, Denise.

Thanks for lunch. My turn tomorrow.

But you said that... Mrs Miller's right. You are too thin. Come on.

See you. Bye.

Despite the danger of potential medical waste, that wasn't too bad.

I've got to head back.

I've got a very important visitor to face this afternoon.

Apparently. Oh, are you going to the Dog and Dart reopening tonight?

My publisher's given me some very harsh deadlines.

Denise will be there and Dan and Leith there. Nobody's seen you for ages.

Well, I'll, you know, try and swing by for half an hour or so.

Good, man. I'll see you there.

I really am pleased things are going so well for you, Roger.

Right, lunch break's over. This morning's parent needs scrubbing.

Fergus!

Molly.

Yes, we've met.

Does it say grounded, down -to -earth family woman?

Or does it say can't stand work, would rather be at home?

You're just having an informal look around, Lisa.

He's not psychoanalysing us all.

Why are you getting so het up about this? It's just a local paper award.

It's the Gaspers.

Had you even heard of them till last week?

Gaspers? Fergus?

The Gaspers?

It's an acronym.

Like the BAFTAs or the Grammys.

It's the real deal. What is the matter with you? Nothing is wrong with me. I'm

just not prepared to start having a full -on panic attack about it, that's all.

Fergus, do you remember our old reconnect days?

Back when you were that male chauvinistic, work -obsessed, middle

arsehole?

Yeah. Can you bring that guy back, just for one afternoon?

We're not open yet.

And even if we were, we don't want your salt in here. Day one.

Day one.

Is that how all publican talk then? Too much.

Sad.

I'm sorry, I didn't see that.

That was Jimmy the Pliers and Fingers McNulty.

You're an idiot.

So are you. They're from Sky.

They were fitting up the sports channel.

Sorry. I gave you my word, Ella.

I know.

Well, what can I get you?

Orange juice?

Diet Coke?

Ooh, in the middle of the day.

Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something.

You know, I've been looking into taking an internship once I finish my course.

Well, I've been offered one.

Well, that's brilliant.

Isn't it?

It can't just fold up.

How do you know it's here?

Personalised number plate.

Hey, we should get them for our car.

Oh, I haven't got a car.

And neither have you, Lisa.

Oh, shut up.

Denise, right, I want you to go through there into my office and come out in 30

seconds and say there's a really important phone call for me.

Family? I don't know. We just made something up. Go, go, go.

What are you doing?

I've already done that two times. No, get off.

Mr Wyatt.

It's so lovely to meet you.

Welcome to Firther Recruitment. Oh.

We couldn't do it for coffee, could you, love? I'm a bit in feathers here.

You must be the managing director.

Adam. Fergus.

Co -managing director with Lisa Johnson.

Hmm?

Oh, yeah, right.

Behind every great man, etc.

Quite.

Lisa, there's a phone call for you.

It's the Archbishop.

Who are?

And who might you be?

This is Denise Bradwell, senior recruitment consultant. She's brought

sir. Well, I'm not surprised.

No to the Eskimos, am I right?

Why don't you take me around? Show me what you all get up to here. Oh, I think

Lisa wants to do that.

No, you go ahead.

I've got to take that important call from the Archbishop anyway.

Excuse me, I'm still here.

Sorry.

Father had thunder.

Not today.

Closing early.

Blood on her hands.

Edinburgh.

I'll still come home weekends, and it's only 12 months.

You do know the main reason I bought this place. Oh, don't say that, Dad.

Please.

Have you told your mother?

Not yet.

Or Finn.

Dad. What?

Can I kill him?

It's a good opportunity. You'd be nice to do it.

Thanks, Dad.

And, contrary to popular belief, you're not stupid either.

Are you?

Sky engineers promise.

All right, then.

I'll see you later.

Door's opening at seven. Don't be late.

I won't.

They know you're sitting up with a bad companion.

Ain't nobody getting the better of you -know -who.

I said, now, 2 -0 -6 -8, never too late.

Hear my radio truck out through the night.

Send a 3 -5 -7 -9 -double -I line.

Hold away some coming up with the morning light.

I said, now, hold away some coming up with the morning light. Yeah, yeah.

Over here.

I meant it down. You enjoyed that, didn't you?

It was all right.

Did you bring that for me, Dad?

No, I forgot.

I'm going to take yours, then.

But it's mine.

He'll take it anyway. You know he will.

Maybe he'll take yours.

Oh,

this one. This is Glastonbury 73.

They had me and your grandad there.

Oh, no, sorry, your grandpa.

There, look.

Oh, that's one of the old set lists.

Oh, I used to follow your grandpa around on tour.

I was his number one groupie.

Well, his only groupie, actually.

They were never really that popular.

Oh, I miss those days, you know.

Always on the move.

Living in the moment. A proper rock and roll lifestyle it was.

All that had to stop when your daddy was born.

Still. I suppose your grandpa's living it all again, really.

Don't know why I'm not doing it, too.

Actually...

This

is boring.

Don't go to the cinema.

No.

go to bed?

No. No?

Look, Ella was right.

These should have gone out weeks ago.

I don't care.

It's our wedding, not theirs.

I don't see why everyone should get a free party on us anyway.

You do know they bring presents.

Tanya, I do realise this whole thing's a bit awkward.

You know, after everything that's happened.

Us getting engaged, Bradley moving in down the road.

It's kind of... It's not.

Not for me.

Might be awkward for him, maybe.

What have you done? Nothing.

I've got a friend.

I need a break.

Yes.

I mean, I suppose Jess is there more than the other office toilets, really,

you did say he wants to see everything.

It's fascinating, Denise.

Well, it's it, really. Apart from Lisa's office, she wants to show me her

office. Fill your boots.

I don't like him.

Smile and nod, Fergus.

Smile and nod.

He clearly is not interested in this place.

but with an ex -model as a tour guide, that award... Shit!

Shit!

Oh, no, you don't. Well, stop taking... Stop taking my arse, I know he's here.

Mr Wyatt.

Hello. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet me.

This is Jenna, and she's got the salon next door, and she's a big admirer of

yours.

Aren't you, Jenna?

Oh, how nice.

Of course, I get that a lot.

I'll have to pop by and get a little trim sometime.

Oh, you do that?

Yeah. Right, well, thank you all for your time, and I look forward to seeing

at the prize -giving.

Virgo.

Linda.

Jenna.

Huh?

Second and third round are all on you tonight.

All right, Dan.

That's her.

Stevie. George.

Dumber. Not a word from your dad.

You mean you've not heard from him either?

Last we saw him was when we stopped over Jamaica.

Last port of call.

He's been getting quite friendly with an old bird from the kitchen staff.

She lived out there.

We saw him heading off down the gangplank together on the Sunday.

Ship set sailing on the Tuesday.

Well... Suddenly, we showed the singer.

I'm sorry, son.

You all right?

I can't believe he's done it again.

Then we better go.

Blood and sand.

I'll speak to Mrs Johnson.

Well, what do you think?

It's very you.

I'll take that as a compliment.

If you like.

You miss it, don't you?

Did you hear that?

I know you're new to this game, but first rule of running a pub, never get

on your own supply.

Sober as a judge.

And I'm serious.

Your place isn't that side of the boat. You should be back here with me.

Are you offering me a job?

I should have done it months ago, but I really wanted you to see the place

first.

Look at this lot.

They're like the 86th Man United squad crying out for an Alex Ferguson.

Nice try.

I'm sorry, Bradley, but I really can't, even if I wanted to. Why not?

I just don't know how much longer I'm going to be here.

Jesus, I... Pauline, I didn't... I'm not dying, you daft pillock.

I'm going on tour.

Hey, is this good for champagne?

What? No, of course it's not.

Thank you.

Hiya. Hiya.

He's never changed. The man's nearly 100 years old.

Well, I wouldn't say... Give or take.

His brain stopped during adolescence, even as the rest of him withered around

it. I don't think it's his brain that's the problem.

Really not helping, Barry.

And once again, it's me that has to break the news to me mum.

Oh, God, I hope she's in the right frame of mind to hear this.

What do you think I mean?

I'm going to follow the band, like I used to.

Are you allowed to do that? Of course I am. My husband's the lead singer.

We'll just say I'm rhythm or something.

Like him off that group our Dan used to like.

In with the maracas.

Listen, Lisa, I've worked very hard to get where I am today.

No, you haven't. And I happen to think that I've earned the right to spend my

twilight years living rent -free on a luxury cruise liner.

I mean, it's only fair.

Ta.

Right, then, come on, let's go and show our faces.

How do I look?

We're only going to the pub.

You've got a proper grump on today, haven't you? Come on.

So what does this mean for us?

Nothing, Finn.

Doesn't mean anything.

It's one year, that's all, and I'll be back all the time and you can come up.

It's like 12 hours or something.

Are you saying I'm not worth the 12 -hour drive?

Dickhead.

Will you go have some petrol?

Dickhead.

Oi, stop all the lovey -dovey stuff, you bloody hypocrite.

Brilliant timing as ever.

Now comes the really hard bit.

Mum, Greg, can I have a word?

Yeah, sure.

She told you then?

I'm going to make it work.

Sure. What is that?

The card to page with ice and wine.

No, no, no.

You don't want to be drinking that.

You need to get some stout in you.

Oh, why? Because I'm too thin?

want to see some meat on her bone.

That is why you're still single.

Um, excuse me?

I'm still single because I never have any time to meet people, that's all.

You should get yourself on one of them computer internet worldwide sex

date web thingy.

What, like Tinder?

What's a Tinder?

Officer Miller, come to check my liquor licence.

Oh, no, we're off duty, actually.

Don't believe me, it's been a long shift.

I'll have a lager, please.

I'll have a vodka diet Coke, please.

How old are you?

26.

Yeah, I'm going to need a piece of my D.

Ollie.

Ollie.

He's joking.

Oh. Oh, OK, Mum, you didn't let go of me now. I don't actually leave until

January. Are you sure you're OK with this? OK?

Of course I'm OK. I'm proud enough to birth.

Me too, Ella. Well done.

It's amazing.

You are OK with it, aren't you?

Yeah, of course I am.

Sort of.

I want her to be happy. I just don't like change.

Well, not all change is bad.

Is it?

No.

Now go on, go and get us our free drink so that we can toast my brilliant,

beautiful daughter for abandoning her.

No.

No.

Hubba hubba.

No. Maybe.

Can I borrow this?

What, my fault?

Roger?

Roger? Roger!

Oh, God.

Hello. Running all written.

Hey,

come on. Come on.

So?

Haven't said what you think of the place yet.

Very nice.

Oh, er, can I have a bottle of lager, please? And Tanya... We'll have a

Yeah, I do know, Greg.

Tell them what type of novel.

Yes, erm, horror.

Oh, is it gory?

No.

Well, is it scary?

Well, it makes the woman in black seem like the lady in red.

And he's got a bungalow, too, so he's like a proper writer.

Oh, have you? Where is it?

Oh, um, you know... You've really fallen on your feet, Roger.

I'll be honest with you. When you first quit the church, I thought you'd be

destitute within a month.

Really?

Didn't mention it at the time, did you?

Probably should have done if you were that worried. Might have talked me out

it. Oh, well.

Good job I didn't then, eh?

Oh,

there you are.

How was the road trip?

It wasn't a road trip.

Where's my mum?

Over there, talking to Roger.

Hey, you know, she's planning on going on tour with your dad next time he goes.

She's what?

What, on the cruise ship, you mean? Yeah, jammy cow.

Where is Charlie, anyway?

Um... Dad!

So where is he?

Oh, you didn't take him straight home, did you?

You knew there was a party on.

No, I didn't.

Mum, the, um...

There's been some bad weather, apparently, or something. The ship's had

a sort of roundabout route.

Won't be in till tomorrow. Oh, for God's sake.

Right, fine.

His loss.

I might as well get completely smashed.

Oi, Bradley!

You going to get that karaoke going or what?

Come on!

Well, what did you want me to do, Baz?

Um,

can we just, um...

I'm taking...

You do know that what you two are doing in here is illegal, don't you?

Well, you know what they say.

There's someone out there for everybody.

Well, what if there's not one?

Denise! Oh, what if there was one for me and I met him?

And I didn't realise?

Bradley, I don't know what you think's going on here, but me and Tanya are

You can't even look him in the eye when he comes over.

What, you think we haven't noticed?

Can't keep waiting for you, Barry.

Woman has needs, you know.