Original subtitles

If you want to do all kinds of situations,

right people, right time, just the wrong location.

I've got a good idea.

Just you keep me near. I'll be so good for you.

I'm going to help you. Love me like you want me to.

I'll do it.

I mean, that is.

That's his son, Hugo.

From his first marriage.

Lived in Harry's shadow from the day he was born.

Oh.

Donovan.

That's his best friend.

Let me guess.

His wife?

Ex -wife.

Liz II.

Amicable split with him.

Harry Grant was not a very nice man.

That must be his daughter.

I don't know.

Trouble. Wife number three.

That's unlucky.

Jake, come on. Look like me.

Even in the Valley of Shadow or Death, there are openings for a man of

enterprise. Don't you ever give your profit motive the day off?

Don't look it, son. You're on the job and a merry widow needs minding. You're

taking advantage of a grieving woman.

She's lonely and she needs company in this difficult time.

Anyway, there's a will to read and cash to be made.

Unless, of course, you'd rather walk away from a damsel in distress.

The lizard was off his purse then, yeah?

It's alright if you don't want to talk, I don't mind.

I never met Harry, but I'm sure he was... Well, he couldn't have been as

they said.

What I mean is, well, he looked like he was a nice guy.

Listen, I'm just trying to say sorry about your old man.

He was older than me, so what? Is there something wrong with that?

I'm honest, am I? Why don't you just stop and drive?

Tell you what, I'll just stop and drive.

Dear son Hugo, I leave my most treasured possession, my autographs of the entire

Arsenal FA Cup winning squad of 1979.

To my ex -wife Liz, I leave my extensive and

pristine vinyl collection, including the Gary Glitter single.

Sam Donaghan, what a lovely surprise.

What were you doing here, Archie?

Just skirting the environs.

Oh, did you too, did he?

That was a Harry Garner everyone, didn't it?

Sure.

Only the dead are beyond the judgement of mortals.

He didn't happen so nice to Bella.

Yeah. But a man our age struck down his prime like that.

He never even had a day off with a cold.

All he ever did was talk business, business, business.

And that's what killed him.

What business?

No, drink.

That is diet.

Well, he wasn't fat.

No, the crap he was eating.

The post -mortem said it was his lifestyle. It's no different from you or

Well, the future is just a new -made egg.

It's fragile in our fingers.

Let the curtain thrust the modern life down and we'll be next up.

And to my last and by far my favourite wife, Maria.

I leave the most precious thing of all, the memory of what we shared together.

Is that it?

What about his house and his assets?

It gives me great pleasure to leave all my other worldly goods to Bianca and the

girls. Who's Bianca?

His bloody cats.

For their care and comfort at the Borden Cat Sanctuary.

With all aspects of this, my final will and testament to be executed

immediately.

Wait, please.

We need to talk now.

I never want to see you again, Hugo.

You can't just walk away like that.

Back off, sunshine.

Who are you?

Somebody you don't know.

Keep a very careful eye on that black widow.

There you are, Maria. Trust everything turned out okay.

Hugo's got a bit of an attitude problem.

He and Harry haven't spoken for years.

Family, is that?

He always had to have a laugh last night, Harry.

It's too expensive humour, if you ask me.

Nothing gives me more pleasure than public humiliation.

They made him look like a rat pillard.

Yeah, but look what he did to me.

So where are you going to go?

Probably the next flight home.

Mum always said I'd be coming back with my tail between my legs.

Better get my stuff before they change the lock.

What's going on?

I've even taken off. Can you look that up?

Are you looking for something?

Only your business.

Sorry. I think somebody pulled up our front.

We shouldn't really hang about.

This is my home.

Not anymore, it's not.

What do you want?

Heart. Dream on.

Well, if that's the way you want it.

Yeah, but can he use it? The wise man knows not to choose the wrong enemy.

Oh, no!

Now drive!

Easy!

Sorry! Where to?

My place.

You've got some explaining to do.

I'm used to the car doors at home. It was an accident.

What's going on here, Maria?

Thought it was your job just to look after me. I might be the hired help, but

do not like taking a beating unless it's for a very good cause.

All right.

Harry did a job a while back, before I'd even met him.

Some Russian billionaire bought a place in Kensington and Harry found out when

he was taking his wife's valuables through Heathrow. So he and Donovan and

dressed up as security guards and made off with half of it.

And? But Harry was the only one caught on camera.

I mean, he managed to stash the stuff they played before he got nicked, but he

didn't tell the others where it was while he was inside.

Not big on loyalty, was he?

When he got out, he took them to where he said he'd buried it.

Right where they'd gone and built the Millennium Dome.

Had to be useful for something.

I mean, he managed to keep the loot tucked away carefully, but, I mean, it

no good to him, because he couldn't spend it or Donathan would kill him.

And now he's dead, they're waiting for you to go get it.

I don't even know what it is, never mind where it is.

He trusted you about as much as the other guys.

He would have told me, if I hadn't been for him dying so sudden.

The guy cut you out of his will and left you with nothing.

Like I said, you're paid to protect me, not to have an opinion.

The spare room's made up.

Having trouble sleeping?

Doesn't everyone?

Lightheaded if you get up too quickly?

Only when I've been drinking.

Any short -term memory loss?

Can't remember the last one.

Me too.

Pain in the arse.

No, seriously, Doc, I'm having these unhealthy thoughts.

You know, like I'm going to go before my time. You want to watch that?

People don't realise that death can be psychosomatic.

Seriously, I am worried.

I was banking on a few more decades at least.

Well, we can't hold back the ravages of time, but we can stall them a bit when

they're not looking.

Well, how do I do that, then? Avoid stress, quit drink, get exercise and go

fruit diet.

Is that it?

About 50 quid should do it.

That's packed full of vitamin C.

It's good for your heart prostrate.

Not even the thyme used to be watered down.

Petra, the guys can't. As the man with no name once said, a man's got to know

his own limitations.

That was dirty, Harry.

And a fiver says you don't last a day.

Oh, she of little faith. Let me tell you something, Petrie. Look at the new

Archie Daly. I've cleaned up my act.

Oh, yes, no more late nights, no more bad food, no strong drink, and

no more stress.

Be good.

I've warned you, I have a heart condition. Where is she?

And who may that be exactly? No, no, no.

Hands on me dicky ticker, I haven't got the foggiest. I suppose you know nothing

about the diamonds either.

Diamond?

Hold me a minute.

Don't even think of driving it again.

Still vacancies for the London Olympics.

Oh, you may not be, Jamie.

But let's just see which one of us lasts the longest, eh? My life expectancy's

gone right down since you lumbered me with the ice cream.

Oi, oi! You told me this was a bluff job.

No, I said she needed protection.

Well, she needs a bleeding swat thing with that Bruce Lee after her.

What, Chen Donovan?

Chen. What, a pin jacket? Yes, a pin jacket. And I warned you not to take

minces off.

Something's not right about her, Archie. She's not exactly what you'd call in

mourning. Yeah, well, some of us grieve in different ways, all right. Yeah,

well, I think she's after his money. Why else would a girl like that be with a

guy twice her age? How much for... Ah, Maria.

Sweetheart.

Hello.

Jamie tells me you're having a spot of... Let me reassure you we guarantee

total backup.

Thanks, Archie.

Right, and the diamonds are as good as in the bag.

Diamonds? What diamonds?

Yeah, for a percentage, obviously.

That's from the robbery.

Oh, well, whatever they're worth will go 50 -50.

Aye, I sense a very good judge of character.

Presuming no man alive knows where the ice has been desecrated, we can only

piece together the bits of the jigsaw. We have the will, the cat's home, best

mate Donovan, ex -wife Liz, testimony of the son such as he is of Hugo.

Who was he?

Well, deranged of calling.

But Maria, is there maybe anything else, you know, you might have got from

Harry? Just these letters.

Oh, yeah?

They're from Liz, mostly.

Some of them recent.

I'll always cherish that special thing, Mian. Like the time in the car park with

the handcuffs. I can never again look at a cucumber without thinking about that

night we had in Stoke when you two... I can't believe you keep letters like

that. You don't seriously think he was still seeing her? You and her.

No context.

Well, I mean, it's a good place to start. It's not as if we've got a whole

of choice, is it? Not unless you've got a way of talking to the dead.

I knew your resolution wouldn't last. No, I don't need a drink, Petra, but I

need a quiet word in your shell like.

Listen, I need to get in touch with your cousin postage. You know the one what

changed his name?

Who, Vlad the Imposter?

What he does, it ain't natural.

Oh, just to refresh my memory, though, did you say he was psychic or psychotic?

Come in.

Come.

Closer. Open your heaving heart.

Relax your anguished minds.

Release your id and let Vlad lead you without fear or bondage.

You know who you are.

You know what I need from you.

And you belong to me.

There is a word.

Inspiration coming to you from deep in your soul.

A place, a name, an idea.

A world with great significance to all here.

It is time.

Why are we doing this? You know Les hates me. If you want to find those

diamonds, she's the only lead we've got.

You've got some cheek coming here after the damage you did. We just want a quiet

chat. No, it's not my fault. Harry wanted me the first time he saw me. This

hard for both of you, obviously.

He always liked him cheap.

Yeah, well, maybe if you laid off the chicken burgers a bit. But you've got to

put all that behind you.

So, how did you feel that he left you with nothing?

Prove you were just another little tart for him to chew up and spit out. Time

out. Time out.

He came here to talk.

Why were you writing to my husband?

I wouldn't expect a kid like you to understand.

Hang on. I saw you break his finger at the funeral.

Just because I loved him.

Doesn't mean I didn't hate him, too.

Yeah, well, he didn't love you.

So why did he keep my letters? Don't kind of kid yourself.

I know you're just like the rest of them. You're only interested in the

diamonds.

What diamonds?

Petra told you I was coming, didn't she?

I have no concept of who you may be, citizen.

Archie Daly. And I know you're Colin from Catford.

Well, I might have anticipated you were coming, Kemosabe, but how did the

punters know?

No, I'm not bothered. Keep your trade secrets to yourself.

All I know is hoping for a little help on a personal matter.

I can't make my tennis perform just like that. I have to wait for the spirits to

rise. Oh, maybe this will shift them from their slumber.

Ah.

Lucifer's calling card.

Yes.

How can he humiliate me like this?

Is that caviar?

The world is made up of two sorts of people.

Those who like cats and those who don't.

You, I presume, are one of the latter.

Oh, I like him, Ora. I just don't think he should be treated better than people.

The Egyptians believed that their cats were gods.

Nine out of ten cats would agree with him. I must ask, who you are?

Mrs. Grunt.

How well did you know my husband?

Oh, I only met him once or twice.

But he was a kindred spirit.

This legacy is like a dream come true.

Yeah, winter in the Bahamas and a summer house in Saint -Tropez.

The will is quite specific.

All the money goes to the cats.

The most I can gain is to enjoy the television and share the food.

Mr Donovan was here earlier.

He was rather partial to my tarama salata.

I know Kathy blew up their heads, but she is absolutely barking.

Well, she's definitely not in it for the money.

At least I was straight up about that bit.

Yeah, but why was Donovan there?

Because he couldn't get to you. He did the next best thing.

I don't know where the diamonds are.

Well, that ain't what Chan Donovan did.

Call to the devil.

Any bastard will get arrested.

I can't hope we lose him before we run out of juice.

Right, that's it.

Thanks, Empty. We're going to have to make a run for it.

Come on. Come on.

Some exercise.

Come on, you're here. Come on, I have nine kids.

You've got interesting friends.

I used to work here.

I met Harry.

Well, after you go.

People do for tonight.

Maybe I should just get the Bert train out of here.

It's not quite up to Harry. Go on.

You're going to have to get used to that, aren't you?

Look, if you hate me that much, you know what you can do.

I just want you to be straight with me about all this.

I've told you everything I know. But Donovan wouldn't be after you unless you

had something.

I don't need to talk to Mike.

You've been around the block a few times, haven't you?

Oh, pretty.

You've no idea the kind of life I've had either.

Yeah, well, have you ever had somebody die in your arms?

You were with him.

We were in bed together.

You weren't actually... Making love?

Yes.

Well, I suppose if you had a choice in these things.

You knocked him to death.

I shouldn't feel too bad about it.

Betrayed you for his cats, remember?

Listen, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... You just sat up and talked to someone

else for five minutes.

Sorry. It's not like that. Yeah, me too.

I've been a different life.

What are you playing at? I've been looking all night for you.

Do you mean she's a vulnerable young widow?

I slept in the armchair.

Oh, really?

Yeah. That's why you bring her back here, then, eh? Because Chan Donovan was

hanging out at my place.

Honest.

Right, Henry, listen, it's a long shot, but it's someone I wanted to meet, all

right? He rings, he might be able to help her.

Come on, trust me.

I am sorry for your loss, Mrs. Grant.

But while your husband might have completed this part of his being, you

find him full of life within the neck.

That girl's suffered enough, and you want to put her through this, Hocus

These guys are the real deal. We've got nothing to lose. What about her?

I see you are a skeptic. Is it bleeding mine, Vader?

I can also surmise you prefer to use your fists before your thoughts.

But at heart, you are a man of honor.

With a wish that people could see beyond this gruff exterior.

Say, why did they jam me? He can ping -pong you in a mouse boat.

The spirits of the departed can often seem unsettled, but there is nothing to

fear.

Unless, of course, we have done something for which we need to be

Maria, wait up!

I'm just sorry about that. That old son, I've got to talk with him real. I'll

tell you what, mate.

That girl's guilty of something.

You're some piece of work, you are. What, you want to... I was only trying

help. You're only helping yourself, and now Maria's in my cab, crying like a

baby. Or maybe she's hiding something. What are you on about now?

Vlad thinks she's guilty of something.

How do we know that she didn't kill Harry herself, eh? You are really losing

No, no, no, no, don't think about it.

She's stringing us along, because that would explain everything.

But Harry died on the job.

Oh, we're having sex.

Really? And I believe her. She's just straight up.

Oh, you've changed your tune all of a sudden, haven't you? I got to know her a

bit, that's all. Yeah.

Well, you just be careful.

Yes. Because you could be next.

A woman could give a man a heart attack drawing.

You know.

Few of us are lucky enough to go into town.

Most part attacks happen on the bog.

Like Elvis.

Tragic but true. One minute you're settling down with your auto trader and

building up to a good old crib.

Please.

I have a very delicate constituency.

I just need to know if a woman could murder a man that way.

Well, why not?

If she's good at it.

to cast any dispersions, Liz. I just want to find out exactly how Harry died.

I thought he went peacefully in his sleep.

Well, that's a new point, actually. I was wondering if he might have had a

problem.

Apart from it stopping like that, no.

So, do you think he might have been vulnerable in bed, so to speak?

Quite the reverse.

He liked things a bit rough, to be honest.

He had a big thing about body piercing, too.

That it's both done up like pin cushions.

That's a long time since I had the firm touch of a good man.

I really must be off now.

Oh, don't go. I'm just knocking up a ham sandwich. I've turned vegetarian.

That's cucumber if you fancy it.

I couldn't really.

So what did you come round for?

To put it frankly, do you think Maria had reason to kill him?

Those diamonds were worth over half a million.

Can you think of a better motive than that?

Here, Vlad, I need to do this myself.

That girl's way too dangerous.

Harry is with us.

He is glad you are here.

He wants to help you.

That's nice.

But he has to be sure it is really you.

Tell him he still owes me five grand.

It was free enough, Daly.

Yeah, of course, but, you know, what with inflation and interest, I just

that maybe we could, you know... Is that all you wanted?

I'm going to cut to the chase.

Harry?

It's about the diamonds.

Ask my wife.

She doesn't know. She should be able to work it out. All the facts are there.

It's just a matter of how you look at them.

Any chance of a clue, Harry?

They're for her daily.

And every girl knows.

Diamonds are for wearing.

Don't hurt him! I'm protecting you!

So is he!

From who?

From you!

I kidnapped her!

You kidnapped her first!

I'm helping her get what she's owed before you and that tongue boogie. This

isn't about diamonds.

It's much more important than that.

Oh, my God.

You and your own stepson.

It's not like that.

Harry thought we were having an affair. That's why he broke me out of the will.

He ruined both our lives.

I don't believe it.

I felt sorry for you.

But it's not true.

Don't deny it, Maria.

I can help you find the diamonds if that's what you want.

Now's my chance to make you happy. Stop it, Hugo.

You've always taken things too far.

I've only got your word for that, haven't I?

There's nothing between us. You have to believe me.

Or should I?

You haven't exactly been big on the truth so far.

Face facts, babe.

Dad's dead.

There's nothing stopping us now.

Please, Jamie.

You've got him to protect you and your precious diamonds.

You don't need me anymore.

Jamie, where are you?

Jamie, hey!

Jamie, listen up.

Does Maria wear earrings?

I don't know and I don't care. Has she got any body piercing? I don't want to

talk about her.

Well, how about this? I want to talk about half a million big ones.

Yes!

Jamie, come on. Maybe she's wearing diamonds and she doesn't know it, yeah?

silver, as far as I could see.

Well, that leads me to only one conclusion.

Hey!

I know where the rocks are.

Ha -ha!

Listen, I know I was wrong to accuse the poor girl. She's the victim in all

this. She needs us. And we need her. Come on, get dressed. Hurry up. Come on!

Let's go!

She's gone.

No idea where, but she's not coming back.

Right. I thought with Dad dead, we might have a chance at a future together.

She obviously had other ideas.

No hard feelings, mate.

So, where would you go then? Any ideas?

Yeah, I've got an idea.

Now we find the girl and we'll find those diamonds. Trust me.

I was right there with you till those last two words.

What do you care?

Listen, I want to explain.

Well,

I might have, you know, jumped to the wrong conclusion earlier.

Forget it. It doesn't matter now.

It is hardly the best place for you to be right now.

Well, background started.

I know my way around here and I know what I'm worth.

Come with me, Maria.

I get a knight in shining armour every night at this game.

Join the queue.

I'm trying to help you out here.

Leave me alone, Jamie.

All right, look.

I hardly believe this myself, but... Archie's got a message for you.

For Mary.

You're supposed to pull up on the other side.

Can we get this over with, please, so I can get back to work? Sorry, of course,

my dear. Yeah.

Jamie tells me you have a message from my dead husband.

Difficult to ingest, but Harry spoke to me clear as day. Simple, but cryptical.

He said diamonds are for wearing.

Unpack that for us a bit more.

Jamie, if Maria's not wearing them, then Harry is. It's his earring and all his

other pierced bits.

Oh, that is it.

You have really crossed the line this time. Jamie, it's half a million

I'm not digging up a dead guy. I know you feel a bit iffy about it. It's

bleeding them all.

We'll only do it if Maria gives us the nod.

That won't be necessary.

Whoa, whoa, don't be too wavy, love. Don't listen to him, Maria.

Harry was cremated.

It's what he would have wanted.

Was that prayer or something?

You know any?

They might have melted.

Diamonds don't melt.

The hardest natural substance known to man.

Oh, sorry.

That's my house. That guy's a lying kid. All the money I paid him.

You owe us one very stiff drink, Archibald.

Girls know diamonds are for wearing. He made it up, the bloody con man.

Girls know diamonds are for wearing.

He had expensive collars made for the cats.

That's what he meant by leaving it to Bianca and the girls.

I told you to wait in the car.

Shh. I let you into Lion's Den all on your own.

Dustin, the diamonds aren't here. Can you tell? They all look the same. Well,

we've checked them all at least twice.

No Bianca name tag either.

Well, maybe we're too late.

The cat lady said Donovan was here.

She's dead.

Whoa, no, don't tell me it was Chan.

Not her, Bianca.

She died last year.

That's what he meant in the will when he said the most precious thing.

The memories we shared.

She's losing it. We pushed her over the edge. We?

It's Bianca's collar. That's where he hid the diamond.

And I'm the only one who knows where the cat's buried.

So I like it.

You sure it's here, love? Yeah, definitely. She's down the bottom in the

I'm sorry, I don't think I can go through with this.

Hey, come on, that's all right. You stay in the warm. It's fine.

Me and Jamie will do the dirty work, won't we?

Yeah.

Zombie fleshies?

Seriously, something over there in the shadows.

Must be a cat or something.

We'll do all the dirty work, won't we, Jamie?

Hurry up, this place is giving me the heebie -beebies.

You never got your hands dirty in your life, have you? Whoa, whoa, whoa, in

you forgot, I'm the brains in this partnership.

Remember give and take?

Yeah, I give.

And you take... State of pro quo, Jamie, that's what makes us the perfect pair.

Yeah, right, pair of... Gently does it.

I do believe I have a new respect for my feline cousins.

Especially this one.

Go on, then, open her up.

You've got muscle.

What, are you afraid?

No, I'm not afraid.

You ought to be.

The chain, you hold it right there.

It's two against one.

The odds are in our favour.

Can't again, aren't you?

You haven't said hello to my wee friend.

All right, game over.

You want it, Jan?

You can have it.

Hit him properly, Jamie.

The Druid Samurai are respected enemies above all else.

Now that's teamwork.

Revenge is sweet.

I prefer it as a dish served cold.

Oh, funny without the Clyde. Liz, Elizabeth, please.

May I suggest we repair somewhere slightly more salacious with a bottle of

something very strong where we can sit down?

and hopefully negotiate our way out of this somewhat daunting conundrum.

We'll take that as a no then, shall we?

Mary was so certain.

She said she knew exactly where they were.

She did, didn't she?

My cab!

Jamie!

It's a shame not to gain out of all of this somehow, Archie.

I've got to do something with all that adrenaline.

The walk will do me good.

I wanted you to know that.

Good old Bianca turned up then.

I bought it for me when the real one died.

So he cut me out of his will just to get the others off my back.

You were a comedian, weren't you?

He got me out of a rotten life and I loved him for it with all my heart.

And now I know he loved me too.

So you get to laugh, laugh this time?

You don't think I deserve it?

Or would you rather the others got the diamonds?

No, I just don't like having a fast one pulled, that's all.

What are you going to do?

Are you going to stop me?

Why did you come here, Jamie?

I don't know.

Just to say, sorry.

I was wrong.

I should have trusted you from the start.

Who knows what might have happened if you had.

I don't think that.

You want to watch that, Jamie?

Sometimes people just connect.

Don't ask too many questions when that happens.

A moment passes just like that, and if you're not ready to grab it, it's gone.

It's not unique to come with me.

Looks like you need it.

Half pint of your finest cranberry juice, please, Petra. You made it home

right, then?

Yes. I'm a little dehydrated after a 15 -mile jog because somebody stole my car.

Nothing wrong with your heart, then?

I've got a lot more than I like, then.

You both missed the party?

My cousin Colin was here all night buying drinks.

That the impaler? I warned you about him, Archie. He made more dosh out of

than he does in a month.

Don't begrudge him a penny. That man has remarkable insight.

He's a shy star.

Don't tell me you fell for that bunkum. No, it's a question of faith, belief in

the hero.

If I tell you something now, without him, we would never, ever have got to

bottom of it. We'd have worked out something.

Oh, really, James, is that right? How come Vlad knew about Harry? How come he

knew about the stolen diamonds? And how could he have possibly known the exact

amount of money owed to me by a dead man?

Because I told him.

I'll get you another.