Original subtitles

Bye.

You did not tell me you were taking time off to run up to the airport.

What's the matter with you and my parents?

What do you expect me to do? Tell them that I'm their luggage on public

transport? Holidays abroad, chauffeur -driven to the airport.

I don't know what the working classes are coming to. Did they learn nothing

Maggie's reign of terror?

I'll tell them you said so.

You will do no such thing. You'll just see that you're back here in time to

up my mail from that agency.

We have important new business to conduct.

Hey,

the van's in dock, so what are you carting them in? Dad's cab.

Oh. Well, see if you can pick up a confused traveller for the return

We could have a small earner out of that.

We? Japanese or Yanks are the best.

I want you back in three hours max, with my mail.

Yeah, Arthur, I'm not going to rush...

You've got to be

joking. Better safe than... Sorry.

No, you'll be all right, won't you, son?

No, of course I won't, Mum. Who's going to be here to change me nappy? Don't be

cheeky. Now, here's the keys to the house, both sets.

All these burglary's going on. You make sure you keep a proper eye on it.

No, don't worry.

Here, if you don't stop rabbiting, we're going to miss it. Yeah, that's right.

Now, you get off and enjoy yourself.

Anybody think we were emigrating?

Come on, go off and have a nice one.

See you later, Dad.

Oh, Ray, you've got the hotel and the number where we're staying, haven't you?

Yeah, yeah, I'll see you in two weeks' time.

West London Police Drive at South Kensington.

If you could hurry.

Sorry, I'm not for hire.

What? Why not?

Well, it's my old man's car, but I don't have a licence to drive punters. I'm

sorry. Well, that's silly. Who's to know?

Well, if we was to get stopped or, God forbid, have an accident, the police for

starters. We had any insurance companies.

Please take me.

I'll be really grateful.

You can leave the clock off up here. Double the going rate, please.

Exactly whereabouts in South Kent?

No. Looks like we've missed her.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Okay, will do.

Wants us to check all the other rail lines, see if she's transferred on.

You all right back there?

Do you think we could pull up somewhere, actually? I think we need a drink or

something.

You don't mind me asking, but are you in some sort of trouble?

I'll take it as substantial discount for bulk buying.

Cheers.

Better.

Do you want to talk about it?

I tried to leave him once before, but he found me.

He just sees me as his property to be used and abused as he sees fit.

You're still married to him, then?

Threw it away.

Symbolic gesture, I suppose.

How'd he come to find you the last time?

Private detectives.

They don't come cheap.

No, he can afford it.

He's one of those rich pigs that thinks money can buy people.

He's not buying me.

Not anymore.

So what are you going to do now?

I'm going to see this old friend.

I don't think my husband knows about her.

Maybe she can put me up for a few days until I can... I'll have to find

somewhere safe to stay.

Henry can't find me.

Well, if that don't work out, there's plenty of anonymous hotels in London.

Oh, no.

It's a mistake I made last time.

Look, uh...

Really better began, only I'm a bit pushed, aren't I? Yeah.

You've been really very kind.

No problem.

Excellent. When can you deliver?

No, it's... OK, it's not ready.

But, um...

You could just wait for one minute.

Wait? Well, it's just that I'm not sure... One minute, OK?

Is everything all right, honey? I've got to pick up some stuff and knit back

home to Wilston.

Seems my friend has moved and not left a forwarding address or a number.

Right.

I'm terribly sorry I can't help.

The agency that I leased this place from has changed hands.

Well, listen, I might be able to help. I know this bloke, he's... Bloke? Oh,

bloke. He's my Uncle Arthur. He's a sort of entrepreneur, car dealer. He rents

out a few flats.

Well, I'm not sure, but it might be worth a try.

I'm sorry, I can't help.

I mean, if it's not too much to ask... No, no, no, it'll be fine. I've just got

to pick up to Mel first, for me uncle Arthur.

I want to see you.

Don't give me traffic jams. I checked with the AA.

Four. Nearly five hours for a round trip to Heathrow. I got diverted. So I

noticed. And may I assume that you were the signpost to this little diversion,

young lady?

Well, I... Because if so, I'd like to point out that this young man is in my

employ. Arthur!

And taking time off to pursue his uncontrollable carnal desires is not

his contractual obligations.

You finished?

No. Did you pick up my mail as well?

Yeah. Postman Pattier fulfilled his duties. He delivered them to the lock

where he thought his employer would be.

Was there much?

Matter of fact, yeah. A whole sackload.

Oh, really?

Yeah, well, would you and the young lady like a drink, Ray?

Thank you, Dave.

The manor's on the manor at last.

Susie, this is Dave.

Friend, confidant and owner... Part owner.

...of this place.

Hello. Nice to meet you.

And this is me Uncle Arthur.

Charmed, my dear.

Forgive my little outburst.

Pressure of business.

It's all right, I understand.

It's a pleasure.

Ray's been telling me all about you. What a kind and generous gentleman you

Family loyalty.

Can't be this... Slight exaggeration, I'm sure.

Somewhat. I do have my moments, though. But the conflict between the needs of

commerce and the demands of the soul is a very difficult mountain to climb on

the slippery slopes of the peace.

That's, um, very poetic, um... Arthur.

Call me Arthur.

Arthur.

Well, Arthur, would it be all right if I bought you all a drink? Oh, no, no, no,

I couldn't possibly allow it.

Here. You already have.

What's it to be?

Do you have champagne?

Yeah. Is that all right?

Why not? It's your money.

Well, if you absolutely insist.

Charming, charming.

May one inquire how you two met?

Dear Susie, now might be a good time to tell Arthur about your problem.

You have a problem, my dear?

We checked all the airlines and ports, so we're pretty sure she hasn't left the

country.

You think she is definitely in London, then?

Where else would her sort go?

I think it's best if you get down there.

Supervise this thing personally.

It'll have to be after the weekend, sir.

I can't get out of that seminar.

Deal with it before it's too late.

It's gross.

Gross, my dear.

beat you?

Well, he forces me to do things.

Things I'd rather not talk about, actually.

Things?

What sort of things? Oh, good God.

God knows what Erin Dorg would say if she knew such things took place in the

sacred union of marriage.

Well, maybe you should try educating her, Arthur.

I'll try and excuse that stupid and extremely crass remark, Dave.

Never mind, Arthur.

Thing is, I told Susie you might be able to help her out.

Rent her one of your flats, incognito -like.

Rent? Oh, certainly, my dear, without hesitation.

And from what you tell me, you obviously need minding.

Minding? Protection from the dark malevolence of marital abuse.

Oh, well, yeah, I suppose.

Arthur, you know, unfortunately, all my properties are occupied at the moment,

but fate has played a hand.

A haven of security and home comforts has suddenly become available, complete

with top -of -the -range minding facilities.

Excuse us a moment. Arthur, what are you getting me into here?

If you think they've been stalling Susie into my flat, well, you can forget it.

No, no, no, Raymond.

We're obviously dealing with a young lady of refinement and financial

wherewithal.

No, no, no, it wouldn't be proper to expose her to that level of squalor. Do

what? No, no, no. The sanctuary I have in mind is much more suitable.

Unacknowledged, anonymous, unknown.

The sort of place no -one would look for anyone.

Burton Doreen's gaffe.

What are you doing? It's my parents, Arthur. Are you... Pragmatic is the word

you're looking for, Ray. The perfect solution to that young girl's dilemma.

Well, no way, Arthur. It's what's called not happening.

I don't understand your attitude.

May I remind you, it is you who brought this poor battered waif to my table for

sustenance. Yeah, to rent a flat, not to be lodged up in my mum and dad's home.

And look, she certainly don't look poor and battered to me. I'm shocked and

appalled. You are clearly lacking in the ancestral chivalry associated with the

daily bloodline.

And you are also totally selfish as well.

Selfish? What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you denying your poor, hard -working parents the opportunity

to cop a nice little earner and so defer the cost of their pitiful package in

the sun. Yeah, how?

Well, think about it.

They'll cop for half the rent when they come back, won't they? That'll pay for

most of their holiday.

Now, what kind of son is going to deny his parents that?

Arthur, you're unreal.

And she's made it clear she's prepared to pay for services rendered. I'm just

grateful for him up there that I'm able to help.

There is definitely something wrong with you. Hello. What's going on there?

You don't think... Well, don't just stand there. Go and find out.

Susie, are you OK?

Yeah, I think so.

These guys not bothering you, then?

Just offering to buy the lady a drink, pal.

No sweat.

Didn't realise she was with you. Did we, son?

No.

Our apologies.

OK. No problem here, gentlemen, I trust.

Not at the moment, no.

You are?

Arthur Daly, director and owner of this establishment.

Part owner.

Well, Mr Daly, we're just in for a drink, that's all.

Oh, I'm sorry, gents. It's a members -only club, I'm afraid.

That's a board decision, is it? No.

Licensing law.

Quite. We have a very select clientele here. You understand?

Oh, I understand.

So, uh... Villains drinker, innit?

Villains? Don't worry, Mr Daly.

You could say we belong to the fraternity. You may do, but I happen to

highly respected businessman on this manor, who... You're all right, listen.

I add, enjoys an enduring social rapport with my friends in the upper echelons

of the local constabulary.

Villains, indeed.

Right? Eject these slanderers. Now, hold up, Arthur. Are you sure? Do you think

I'm going to stand here and have my good name besmirched by a couple of... Just

checking out the haunts of the local lowlife, Mr Daly?

Strictly routine.

Dave, don't just stand there. Give the boys a drink.

On the house, of course.

Ponytails and beatnik, clobber.

Beatnik? I don't know what plod's coming to. Whatever happened to anoraks,

hobnail boots and short back and sides?

They're simple.

Times change. You don't.

There's no asking for time from a policeman wearing a Mickey Mouse watch,

Raymond. Think about that.

Sorry about that, my dear. They mistook my ossuary for the Winchester 73.

A North Wilsdon car seat full of cowboys. Yeah, I'm sure.

Should I get my kids in the taxi?

Raymond will deal with the luggage.

Ladies in my care always travel first class.

Right, we'll get her installed.

Look, Arthur, I'm not happy about this one bit. I want to start my own gang.

Of course you do, and quite right too.

I mean, she may be webbed up with a beast, but she's still a married woman.

Now, I expect you to act like a gentleman.

Dignity, restraint, and moral thingy.

We're talking about lodging a total stranger at Mum's. And you know what

like about her own? She'll go to bed. Your mum has total faith in me now. Give

me the keys to the house and follow up in the cab. The keys have been entrusted

to me.

Sorry about that, my dear.

Just checking out the most secure route.

Professionalism is my credo.

But who could possibly know I'm here with you?

Precisely.

Perfect, Arthur, perfect.

You're a prince.

Of darkness.

I'm glad you approve, my dear. A touch humble.

Humble? Compared with what you're used to, no doubt, but it has a certain je ne

sais something. I think you'll agree.

Your mother's obviously very health -proud, right?

Very.

So, Arthur, what's all this going to cost me?

Raymond, why don't you pop back upstairs and just check the security locks while

Susie and I...

Well, let's see. Fully secure accommodation, total access to all

washing machine, TV, phone, kitchen utensils, linen, etc., etc., plus 24

protection service, and we won't mention VAT.

And me a monkey per week, my dear.

500? I know, I know. A suicidal discount on my normal charges, but call me an

old softy.

Susie's got enough on her plate without having to worry about money.

Is that satisfactory, my dear?

Seems very reasonable, Arthur.

Does it? I'll write you a cheque. Ah.

Or would you prefer a visa card?

No, no. The cheque will be fine.

You were right, James.

About what?

Arthur Daly. The man's a joke.

Strictly Fourth Division.

Not worth our trouble.

Yeah.

Hard to believe he's driven three ranking officers to near -nervous

over the last ten years.

Oh, that seems in order.

Thank you, my dear. No, thank you. Both of you. I can't express how grateful I

am. No need. People in shtook, daily care is my creed. Well, so long as you

don't mind.

Nonsense. Ray understands, don't you, Ray? Not entirely, no.

There you are, then.

Well, look, so long as I can get in touch, who should I get hold of? Your

care lifeline.

You will notice offices, mobile phone numbers, instant contact, night or

as the need arises.

Oh, yes, and you will need these to chub up.

Arthur! And it goes without saying, we shall be monitoring your welfare

constantly via our sophisticated communication systems. I'm truly a

-errant, Arthur. I haven't met many men like you in my life. I'll do my humble

best. Come on, Ray.

Oh, and do feel free to rest your weary in the master bedroom.

Arthur, that's me mum and dad's bed.

Well, of course it is. You can't expect a young lady of her quality to get her

load down on a bunk bed in that box your mum calls a spare room. But I'm telling

you, Arthur, when mum comes back and finds out, she's going to go garroting.

after I've informed her of that poor girl's flight and not after I've bunged

tour into her outstretched.

But you're copying five a week, Harris.

Exes and your wages have got to be met, haven't they?

And don't think I didn't notice that nifty you pulled out of the Winchester.

And guess where it came from.

You were brassic this morning. And who suggested I pick up a fare?

Precisely. And have I demanded my rightful percentage?

Yeah, you drank it.

Only to be hospitable.

Anyway, enough of this bunny. I want to get this check banked and get home. Her

indoors is doing fish.

Look, I tell you what I want you to do.

Seek out Willie the Weed, tell him I've got a bit of casual to put his way, and

to be at the lock -up first thing Monday morning. You too.

We've got new business to sort.

Never mind that. I want to get this sorted.

It is sorted.

Look, never look a gift horse in the throat, Raymond.

Susie's happy, I'm happy, and defrayed holiday expenses will make your mum and

dad happy. I'm not happy.

Given time and the stability I can offer you, you will be.

Arthur, we don't know who she is, where she comes from, I mean, what kind of

real act she's got. It could be total nonsense. How do we know? Stop worrying.

There is no way anyone's going to trace her here, is there?

Oh, Willie. Glad you could get along.

Yeah, well, Ray says you've got a bit of casual to put my way.

Well, you know me, Willie. Always keen to reduce the unemployment figures.

And I heard you were a bit short.

Of the ready days.

What's that pile of wood outside?

Product for the punters. I'm making a foray into the mail -order market.

And you and Willie are going to be at the cutting edge of the operation.

Excellent, Willie, excellent.

You've obviously done this sort of thing before.

What are they for?

For? Well, they're bookends.

Bookends? Yeah.

Bookends. You're selling plain lumps of wood for bookends? No, no, no.

You smooth down the rough edges with a bit of sandpaper. Then they're bookends.

£5 .99 a pair, plus post and packing, inclusive of VAT.

You've got to be kidding. Who's going to stand for that?

Ray, there's a multitude of punters out there who'll stand for anything.

if you can cater for their small needs and fantasies of bargain prices.

And there's a sack full of orders in my office to prove it.

Is Susie settled in all right?

Yeah, as far as I can tell, she hasn't nicked any of the cutlery yet.

Good. Well, come with me. I'll show you what I want you to do while I'm dealing

with the correspondent side of this business.

So, what's the move?

Well, working on the theory that a leopard doesn't change its spots...

I have here a list of people and addresses we can start checking out.

You've got to hand it to our friend here, Fuckenso.

I don't know, he dreams them up.

Yeah, well, he works on the theory that if you find a mug, strangle him.

He'd have to be a right prat to buy these.

Yeah, that's for sure.

Melissa Mason?

Yes?

I've been anticipating someone like you arriving.

In that case, I'm sure you wouldn't mind inviting me in so that we can have a

little chat.

Oh, Raymond.

Cracking on?

Yes, you're right.

Listen, Arthur, I'm going to grab a spot of lunch.

Give over to Mum to check things out, you know?

There's nothing to check out.

I've talked to the client on the dog and she tells me she's comfortable, relaxed

and appreciative of the privacy we're affording her. Yeah, well, I'm not too

relaxed or comfortable, so I'm going to check things out, all right?

Ray, may I remind you, you are in my employ and we have work to do.

Here, slap these labels on those parcels ready to post as soon as the cheques

have been cleared.

Arthur! When you've done that, nip round the collection agency and pick up the

new bunch of orders.

Haven't you heard of the Industrial Relations Act? Lunch is for wimps.

Arthur, this is Wilsdon, not Wall Street.

Any joy?

Maybe. Detective Inspector Stiles is with Manchester CID, gentlemen, and is

to request our assistance.

Perhaps you would care to explain the position, Inspector?

I'm trying to locate a young woman by the name of Susan Groves. She is an

essential element in an inquiry I'm conducting.

Is she a witness or a suspect, sir?

Unfortunately, because of the nature of the case, that is privileged

information. However, it is vital... that I locate her as soon as possible.

We have reason to believe she's in great physical danger.

Well, anything we can do to help, sir.

The one positive lead we have at the moment is that she took her black cab on

Friday from Heathrow, and the driver possibly lives near here in the Wilson

area. If I can locate him, I can find out where he took her.

There's an awful lot of cabbies living in this manor, sir.

Could take some time to run them all down.

I'm aware of that.

However, I do have a good description of him.

I've written it down for you.

Also, a partial reg number of the cab. Perhaps you could run it through the

computer. Is that the woman you're looking for, sir?

If you do locate him, you're not to question him.

You're to contact me immediately.

My hotel number is also there.

Clear?

That's the bird we saw in the Winchester.

Why don't you say something?

Why didn't you?

Because you didn't.

The description of the driver.

Remind you of someone?

What do you think you're off to?

Well, Ray's just popped out for some lunch.

He's done what?

Said I should do the same. I was just going to nip down a pie and mash.

Casual labourers are not entitled, Willie.

Haven't you read the Industrial Relations Act?

Section 4, paragraph 2?

Uh, no, not really.

I mean, personally, I'm against that amendment. I think it's iniquitous. But

what can I do?

I mean, it's more than my business is worth to flout the rules.

Sorry, Willie.

You'll have to carry on grafting. I'll be back later.

Yeah, right.

Hey, where shall I tell Ray you'll be, in case he wants to know when he comes

back? I'm going to the bank to deposit some readies, and then I'll pop into the

Winchester for a wet lunch.

That don't seem fair.

Willie, try and remember, you don't get what's fair in this life. You get what

you negotiate.

Here it is.

Albert John, cab driver.

And there's an address.

Is it local?

Ray, this is silly. I can go on my own. Listen, your parent will be looked

after. That's what I'm supposed to do. So what's the problem?

I'll be all right, honestly.

It's no trouble. Come on.

Hiya. That's him.

And the cab.

Are you sure about this?

I mean, shouldn't we just report it in?

Let me ask you something, James.

Are you interested in advancing your career?

Who, me?

Quite.

We find out what's going down, what our colleague from Manchester is

investigating, exactly.

And who knows what glories there are to begin.

I guess Aunty can't be a skimp member if she can afford to stay here.

You really don't mind if you don't meet her, do you, Ray?

I'm not sure she's as foul as you say.

We don't want to have her dramatise the situation.

Well, how long are you going to be anyway?

Oh, no.

OK. Wait in the bar, then.

Not only did she slip me a dud, but the bank charges me 15 sobs for writing me a

letter to tell me about it.

Bit of a liberty, that, his offer.

Iniquitous usury, that's what it is, Dave. J .C. knew what he was about when

upped them tables in the temple.

You reckon if Susie Bird's had you over then?

I blame that Emily Parkhurst. She started all this.

Chaining herself to the rails.

Suffragetting women's lib all over the place.

Been better if she bolted herself to the train rails.

I guess that would have stopped her in her tracks.

History warned us, Dave. History warned us. Bodicea, there was another one.

Them wheels with all them knives at nether level.

They don't need no working out.

And we stood it. We stood it.

We gave them the vote. We invited them into the male arena.

Equal opportunities, equal pay.

And where has all this homage to the spare rib led?

To a fairer society of.

Rubber check, Dave. Bits of paper that bounce at the bank. Look, maybe the girl

forgot. Machiavellian madams.

Fanfatales, that's where it's led.

Wily waifs who perpetrate diabolical deceits on the honourable male of the

species, i .e. me.

I take it the chivalry debate is dead.

Sanctuary and sucker, I offered that girl, Dave. And what did I get in

A knife between the blades.

Yeah, well, thank God she wasn't driving a chariot.

But it's got to stop. It's got to stop.

The dignity of manhood has got to be upheld.

Immediate withdrawal of facilities and eviction. That's the answer.

You know, Arthur, you ain't chucking a girl out on the street just like that.

No, Ray is.

Listen, Arthur, you've got to give the girl a chance to explain.

Anyway, after all that spiel you gave Ray, you don't want to mug yourself in

front of the boy.

I suppose you might be right.

They even gave Joan of Arc a chance for a copper plea. Arthur. All right, all

right. I'll consider what she said.

But if she hasn't got the wedge, she's on the pavement.

You're all hard, Arthur.

Oh, by the way.

What?

Pankhurst.

Emily Pankhurst. Yeah, I know.

They named a shovel after her on the Isle of Wight.

That ought to have told you something.

You still in there?

Yeah.

Hasn't moved except to make a quick call.

What's happening?

She's visiting some woman in 301.

Want me to check reception?

See her?

Already have.

They were a bit snotty. All I got was her name.

A Miss Laura Adams, and that she's a regular guest.

That figures.

Oi, oi, here she comes.

If they move on, I'll follow them up. You stay here.

Find the house, Dick.

They're usually ex -cops.

Might be more approachable.

If the woman in 301 is a regular, he'll probably know something about her.

What do you mean he's not here?

That's what I mean. He ain't here. He rang Frodo, said he was with this bird.

Susie, I think you said her name was. I knew it.

I should have known.

Something wrong, Arthur?

He really should get some ointment or something for that rash, will he?

Looks terrible.

Raymond, young lady.

I know you're in there.

It's me, Arthur.

Let me in.

Raymond.

Raymond!

Raymond, I hope this doesn't mean what I think it means.

She's a married woman who kites up the unsuspecting.

Raymond!

Where have you two been?

To a hotel. I thought as much. I want a word with you, young lady.

Nevertheless, that doesn't explain bogus cites that have been referred to

Drawer. We had a joint account.

My husband must have closed it as soon as he knew I'd left.

Arthur, I'm so sorry. This is so embarrassing.

That's all very well, young lady. Turn it in, Arthur. You've already upset her

enough, haven't you?

for suggesting that we'd been at it.

Oh, it's little Mr Knight in shining all of a sudden, is it? You were the one

that was against the idea.

Well, never mind about that, eh? Look, Arthur, I will be able to pay you if you

can just trust me for a few days.

My aunt's already arranged this well -paid job for me, and I'm sure she'd

advance me a loan if I asked her. A loan?

Yeah, and in cash, if that's preferable. Oh, yeah, oh, oh, yeah.

Can I ask what sort of job you're... Researcher.

And the great thing is I'll be able to do most of it from home. I mean, here.

Satisfied? Did I say she couldn't dwell?

Of course she can stay, my dear.

The dailies may be many things, but ungalant is not one of them.

Arthur, thank you.

I won't let you down, I promise. I know you won't. And do you think you'll be

all right with your auntie if you had the loan in reddies?

Don't you ever stop.

It's not for my personal gain, Raymond.

It's a token of respect for your parents.

It would be most unfair to disappoint them now, especially after I've phoned

them in Majorca to tell them my nice little windfall is waiting for them when

they get back.

Oh, no, you haven't.

Well, Arthur, tell me that you haven't.

Raymond, some people are telling you there's no room in business for

But not Arthur Daly. Arthur, tell me you didn't ring Mum.

Oh, never mind all that. I want you back on the mail run.

Have I got news for you.

Make someone else wash up.

Here, Arthur, what does it mean?

2 .99 plus PMP.

What for this?

Yeah, it's a new line.

Philosophical bon mots, witty epigrams. Punters love them. Stick them on their

fridge, back of the car, whatever.

Well, like, you don't have to be mad at the work here, but it helps, that sort

of thing.

Look, all you've got to worry about is bunging one of them with a compliment

slip into those self -addressed envelopes.

Where are you going?

Down the car lot to conclude a deal on a motor, deposit some readies and collect

some that are overdue.

Yeah, but what does it mean?

You're the one with the old levels, Raymond.

Whatever you want it to mean.

Arthur, all right, if I stop for a sandwich? Section 4, paragraph 2, will

Game on.

You want me to clean all of them, Arthur? That's right, Wasp. And

Otherwise we'll have to renegotiate your weapons.

Who are you?

I know you.

You're... What's his name?

The TV bloke.

What the... You're a bit early, aren't you?

Yeah, well, I... It must be Arthur.

Yeah, I'll find out what I can and be in touch, OK?

Yes. Sorry about it. Robert, Robert, Robert.

No, no, no. You do have investigation programmes.

Arthur Daly.

Honour to meet you.

Your auntie does know some influential people, don't she?

Showbiz and all. I am impressed.

What exactly are you researching?

What can you be thinking?

No, I was just upstairs getting changed. Robert had to phone the studio.

He called up to say he was leaving just as you arrived.

He's doing a programme on corruption in Brazil.

Rio de Janeiro, I think.

Rio? He needs some political background stuff, you know.

Really? Well, I might be able to be of some assistance there. I have a number

contacts who know Ronnie very well.

Ronnie? Bigsy.

Who?

Ronnie Biggs, great train robber.

Prisoner of Rio.

I mean, if Robert wants me to discuss it on the programme, I could make myself

available. Oh, well, that's very... I'll see what he says.

Listen, in the meantime, I'll nip upstairs and get your wrench, all right?

thank you.

There we go, Arthur. Oh, thank you, my dear.

It's all there, I think.

Yes, that's it.

Got him.

Good.

I think I can see why our D .I. from up north is interested in this lady.

But given Daly's track record, it's a bit of a puzzle to see what his

involvement is.

So maybe he's getting ambitious.

You face it, Arthur, you haven't got a good side.

What was you going on about, anyway?

Image, Ray, image. Perhaps even fame.

Fame? I could become a much sought -after pundit on the politics of crime

corruption in Brazil. The world, even.

Yeah, all right. I'll pretend I'm taking you seriously.

No, it's true.

Susie's doing some research for Robert... What's his name, that bloke

the expose progs on the box?

And he is showing keen interest in having me on the show to present my

testimony.

He seems a nice man.

What, you met him?

Yeah, round at the house.

Oh, by the way, Susie paid on.

Lovely girl. I knew she had class from the off.

Oh, yeah?

Well, maybe Robert Watchett's name would be interested in exposing extortionist

charges for services not rendered.

Meaning? Well, apart from the lovely Susie, I've worked out what it means.

Mm. Yeah.

I found this in one of these mags.

Attention, housewives. The secret of keeping your hands soft.

Send 299 plus P &P to box number 206.

Make somebody else wash up.

Now, you tell me that ain't a con, Arthur. You tell me that's legal.

Of course it's legal.

I haven't told Porky's. It works. You ought to try it.

And you don't think you're going to get a few complaints from our eight partners

quoting the Trace Description Act?

Ray, there are always a few ingrates who don't appreciate a bargain. That is why

it's a box number.

Yeah, and why is this with you, quoting all these acts?

You've even got Willie going bolshie on me.

You could be nicked. Not a chance.

Have I promised anything I've failed to deliver? The skill is in the way you

word them. Common practice in the advertising game.

Oh, please, Arthur, get therapy.

I've got to tell you, Arthur, if I don't take a break soon, I'm going to pass

out. See?

Car dealers.

What? Miss Mason, the woman I spoke to at the Kensington house.

She told me the driver mentioned something else about this Uncle Arthur

apart from the property thing.

He's also a car dealer.

Find him, we find the driver.

We find her.

Cheers.

All the best.

Here you are, Dave.

Not on the slate, Arthur.

Business must be booming.

That is because I'm now into what you might call a growth industry.

Put a large one in there, Dave.

I

have

to admit, Dave, that my amazing insight into the way that... Is something wrong

with your menses?

Something wrong about you, Arthur?

Well, well, well, isn't it, little gendarmes? Give the lads a drink, Dave.

this time, Arthur. We're on duty.

And you are under arrest.

Anything you say will be taken down and et cetera. I'm sure you're familiar with

the form.

Arrest? Me?

You must be on drugs.

What for? Living off immoral earnings.

Running a brothel. Being a pimp. And that's just for starters.

A pimp? A ponce?

How dare you?

I may have been viciously maligned and slandered in the dim and distant for one

or two minor peccadillos, but never, never has it been mooted that Arthur

was a nonce or a ponce. Really?

The name Susan Groves won't mean anything to you, then?

Susan Groves?

You know, the tart you've got operating from your brother's house.

Oh, my good God.

This is all a ghastly mistake.

Ritz will be issued.

For libel and false arrest.

You're winding me up.

No, no, I'm serious, Ray. You know that young plop with a ponytail on his mate?

I'll carton him off the neck as we speak.

Yeah, well, you better get over to your mum's gaff cook as you can.

Hasn't got a nephew, has he? Drives a black cab.

Nah, Ray's his nephew.

His dad drives a cab.

Half his brother, Bert.

Bert? Yeah.

Yeah, well, that's who we're trying to find, really.

We owe him some money.

Live hereabouts, does he?

I think so.

I don't know.

Be in the book, I suppose.

Keep me alone. This is not necessary.

You get your hands off me. It's my house, mate. Get out.

All right, I'm doing it. Don't push.

Don't come back.

Ray! For God's sake, Ray, what are you doing?

How could you humiliate me like this?

You've got some fun, haven't you? I'll give you that.

Arthur's been nicked out of you.

I want to know what is going on.

Now.

So how do you explain these?

Research. She told me she's doing research. I swear it.

Research? That's a new word for it.

No, these are her clients.

Punters, Arthur.

Punters.

Arriving every two hours on average.

Every two... No, no, no. It's been some diabolical misunderstanding.

Met any of these clients, have you, Arthur?

Um, well, no, not per se, so to speak.

Can't be your brother.

You said he was a Mallorca.

Have a little arrangement with him, do you?

He and your sister -in -law sit in the sun while you organise the business end

and collect the proceeds.

Bert and Doreen?

I can see it all now.

Entire family run House of Vice for celebrities.

The media's going to love it.

Could I have a glass of water?

Please.

I mean, what do you think I am? What kind of mug do you take me for? Ray,

really not what you think.

Please, don't be angry with me. It's not what I think. What, on me mother's bed?

Look, Ray, I was just feeling really depressed. We were talking about the

you wanted me to do and it just happened. I'm sorry. Just stop it, eh?

it in. I mean, look at it.

A mobile phone, appointments, books, names, times.

Even a bloody bleeper. Ray.

Yeah, and that bird I took you to in Kensington.

Well, she's got to be a brass too, isn't she? I should have bloody chucked it.

Ray. No, you just... You just get your gear and you get out of here.

Tell us about Laura Adams, Arthur.

Laura Adams?

You know.

The high -class madam you've got recruiting tarts.

At a certain Mayfair Hotel.

The one your nephew took Susan Groves to sign up with.

I classmate? No, no, no, that's her auntie.

The one who lent her the money and got her a job.

Her indoors life, I swear it.

Her in what?

My good lady wife, God bless her.

He likes to keep it in the family, doesn't he?

You know, I think we ought to bring her in for questioning.

Probably keeps the books.

Oh, not her indoors, no, not that.

The shock. Now, be merciful.

Then you'd better put your hands up, Arthur, because we've got you banged to

right.

You're going to the nick.

Do you? I don't believe it. Listen, boy, she's out of business. On your toes.

Stay out of it.

Now, I want you to tell me, without any bloody cover -up, exactly what is going

on here.

And then we can tell it to the old Bill.

You feel upset? How do you think I feel? There's no comparison. I've been

entombed in a place of the doomed.

But if bolder the damned, I feel quite wretched.

If you're after the sympathy vote, Arthur, I'm not obliged. Look, I still

quite understand what was going on. I mean, that...

That tale about her husband, was that a total porky? Completely.

Well, she was an upmarket hooker in Manchester who just happens to get the

bright idea about blackmailing some of her more prominent punters.

Who just happens to include a certain judge in some very eminent plot.

Jezebel, no wonder they wanted to nick her so badly. Not after. They did want

nick her. They wanted to shut her up permanently.

Joking. Joking? You see me laughing, Dave?

Am I creased with mirth?

So what's going to happen to her, then?

My bet is they'll do a deal with her. They ain't going to let a scandal like

that come to light, are they?

I don't know what's happened to this one's green and pleasant.

Top jollies consulting with strumpets.

Rampant reporters.

Where's it all going to end?

Makes you think, doesn't it? And who is it who suffers, Dave? The poor, honest

entrepreneur. He is the one who gets fitted.

It's no wonder Bob took the plunge and has all done a runner.

The end is nigh when you can't rely on the establishment to act proper.

You know there's something wrong with him, Dave. God knows what Ernie

thinks of it all.

Nothing compared to what my mum's going to think. You're talking a witch.

No, no, not now, Ray, not now. I need at least one large one before I even think

about that.

Willie, what are you doing here?

I'll have a drink, Arthur.

Make it a short.

My wife saw this ad here. Said I should send off.

Be six inches taller by using nature's natural resources.

Amazing discovery.

Guaranteed. Send 599 plus PMP.

Tall orders.

Box 206.

Have you got any idea what a prat I feel?

Willie, you should have said.

I could have let you have them cost.

Oh, this is dire, Ray, dire.

You'll have to sort it and replace everything before they come back.

I'm going to have to sort it. Well, I didn't do it. Listen, Arthur, I've

All right, all right, all right. Maybe you can have some of the rent money we

copped, all restitution.

Mum,

Dad, what are you doing here? The hotel was terrible and it done nothing but

rain all the time. So that's why you decided we should cut our losses and

home. Yes. I told him to take the anoraks.

Mum, Mum, don't go in there.