Original subtitles

Bye.

The thing is, Ray, do we put it up every morning, sunrise, and take it down at

sunset?

Well, if we do, someone's going to have to be here at least twice a day.

That might mean extra staff. Extra staff means extra wages. No, leave it up

permanently. I mean, patricism isn't a nine till five affair.

Queen and country, 24 hours a day in this establishment.

It looks good, Arthur.

Yeah, it does, doesn't it?

A little touch of class.

A little bit of England.

Cricket on the green.

Sunday roast.

Saturday night punch -ups at the pub.

Never be ashamed of your national heritage, Ray.

Long before you were even a twinkle in your father's eye, this country stood

alone against the forces of darkness.

It is our duty to continue that valiant fight today.

What? Declare war on Germany and Japan?

No, only in the marketplace, Ray. Well, that flag is a symbol of our fight

against my personal recession.

I'd better move these foreign cars up the front road here. Too right.

Hey, Ray, years ago...

Sailor Heath used to say, export or die.

Now it's a case of sell to keep wealth.

You get all the foreign ones over the back, all the British ones down the

Billy, I've just got hold of a brand new range.

And you have been nominated to have first crack at them.

Yeah. They'll be smashing down the doors of your George and Pierre Duterte to

get at them.

Yeah.

Hey, hold on a minute, Billy, will you? Hang on.

I'm still not sure about them Japanese's.

Let's compromise.

Stick them in the middle.

Sorry, Billy, you there?

Yeah, look, I don't want to go into details on the phone.

Well, you know what walls have, Billy.

No, no, no, not sausages. Ears, Billy, ears.

I have to constantly be on my guard against industrial espionage.

But you must know that all calls from London to Bradford are routed through

Milan.

Yeah, one indiscreet word on the blower and the whole of downtown Europe will be

flooded with people impersonations.

Can I help you, sir?

Yes, I'd like to speak to Mr Arthur Daly, please.

Yeah. Right, as soon as you can, Billy.

Treat yourself to a pullman. I can recommend the kippers.

Yeah. Get up.

Gentleman outside asking for you, Arthur. There you are, Ray. Union jack's

been flying five minutes and they're already flocking.

I see you're admiring my flagpole.

Probably an old soldier like myself.

Queen and country, eh?

Of course, I've nothing against the common market, per se, but at the end of

day, as the flag says, British is best.

Now, which of my models can I interest you in?

This escort is a snip at two and a half.

One owner, a nervous nun, never driven at night. This one over here, never left

the country estate of a member of the House of Lords. Take it down.

I beg your pardon? The flag, it's got to come down.

Well, you just put it up. I know, I've been watching you.

Had my eye on this place ever since you erected the flagpole.

My name is John Richards, planning enforcement officer.

Oh, visiting card now, eh?

I suppose this comes out of poll tax too.

Well, you might like to know, Mr Richards, that before I had this

erected, I went to the town hall and I was assured by the planning officer that

I did not need planning approval.

That is perfectly correct.

Well, what are you going on about then? I'm going on about that flag.

It contravenes the town and country planning brackets control of advertising

closed brackets regulation 71.

Superceded by the 1990 Act.

Are you saying I can't fly the Union Jack?

Flag. What? It's called the Union Flag, not Jack. It's a common mistake.

All right, Jack, don't prevaricate. Are you saying I can't fly it? Not with

British's best on it, you can't. You're joking.

I'm employed by the local council. I never joke.

But British is best. That's a highly debatable point of view and one you are

allowed to state on the Union flag.

Is there something I don't know?

Am I being kept uninformed?

Is a local council ruled from Moscow or Peking?

Has the Third Reich surfaced in the bowels of the town hall?

Is this what I went over the top for?

That flag stays up.

In that case, you'll be hearing from the borough solicitor. And you, Squire,

will be hearing from mine.

Look, I'm sorry to trouble you. I wonder if you can help me.

I'd like to have a word about my overdraft facility.

Excellent.

Yeah, I can see why you'd want to.

Well, as you can see, I've encountered a temporary cash flow problem. I'd like

to increase the facility.

Looks like you have already your 5 ,000 over the agreed overdraft limit.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

That is amazing.

You'd be surprised how many of my customers I made during the average day.

Well, notwithstanding that disconcerting information, Mr Shanks, I'd like to

increase the facility by 20 ,000.

Come.

Thank you, Sandra.

I have directives from head office that have to be followed.

And as I say, you're overextended already.

It's belt tightening, I'm afraid, Mr Daly.

Would it help if I lived in one of the third world countries?

I beg your pardon?

Perhaps I should change my name to Mexico or Brazil.

They owe your lot billions and nobody's squeezing their collaterals.

No, look, I'm mounting a big sales campaign to shift some of my car stock.

I'm urging everyone to buy British, appealing to the patriotic art that

every punter.

Really? What a novel idea.

You see, I have a vision, Mr Shanks.

Nay, a dream.

If this green and pleasant land of ours is to be polluted by motorcars, then I'm

going to do everything in my power to make sure they are British motorcars.

Admirable. Admirable.

I'll tell you what, Mr Daly. I think it's an exciting concept.

I'm going to increase your overdraft limit by 5 ,000.

But I'm already 5 ,000 over.

Precisely. This way my books will balance.

Let's review the situation again in three months' time, shall we?

In the meantime, do try to stay within the new limit.

Yeah?

Yes, sir.

But, um, what grounds do you have for suspecting that something's happened to

her?

Look, could I have your full name and address, please?

Raymond? Raymond?

You having some sort of kinky party in here or what?

In here, Arthur.

You've got a bird in there.

What's the matter with the lights?

Man from the electricity company came.

He turned them off cos the bill hadn't been paid.

What, and you let him? You're supposed to be my minder.

Why didn't you hit him?

Is that before or after I should have hit the man from British Telecom?

British Telecom?

Yeah, they've cut off all the phones.

Same reason, non -payment of final demands.

This is what happens when I leave you in charge, isn't it? I turn my back for

five minutes and the old little lock -up is transformed into a Soho clip joint.

The only thing that's missing is some out -of -work actress passing off

at 20 quid a bottle.

I'm very disappointed in you, Raymond.

Now, look here, Arthur. I've been sitting here in the freezing cold.

I'm hungry, I'm tired and I'm pissed off.

I've been sitting here for hours waiting for you, so you just didn't come back

to all this.

Well, it's not down to me to pay the bills. Of course it isn't. Calm down,

down. Sit down, sit down. There you are.

Go on.

See, this is what happens when you privatise everything.

These used to be service industries.

Nice, reliable little outlets on the Monopoly board of life, created for the

older mankind.

I feel very sorry for you, Raymond.

Why's that?

Because you have your old life in front of you. And what do you see?

Well, not a lot at the moment, Arthur. We need some more batteries.

I'll tell you what you see. You see a country that won't let you run up the

and say British is best.

You see a country where the big banks are squeezing the pips of hard -working

entrepreneurs like me. You see a country that expects us to push it and pull it

into the 21st century with the help of torchlight and bongos.

You all right? Come on, let's go and get a drink.

How's it going, Pop?

Quiet as the grave, Sarge. I left a note about one call on you, Derek. Might

give you a laugh.

Do you think he's done nothing?

Definitely. He hung up when I asked him for his name and address.

Well, you never know, Park.

You never know.

There you go, Arthur.

Sorry, Dave.

The best of British.

Oh, Dave, don't you let the local council hear you say the best of

They'll close the club down.

What are you talking about?

We put a Union Jack up there down the car lot, Dave. Flag, Ray, flag, the

council man told us. That's right.

You're not allowed to call it a Union Jack anymore.

Anyway, we ran the flag up Arthur's brand -new flagpole.

Which cost me an arm and a leg. Some planning enforcement officer ordered us

take it down. Can you believe that, Dave?

We put Erling Buckhouse's flag up, and because he said British is best on it,

the planning enforcement officer ordered me to take it down.

You're joking.

I'm employed by the local council. I never joke.

Take me to court.

I'm going to fight it to the end.

Can I quote you on that?

Yeah, who are you?

Craig Hunter. I'm a reporter.

Look, I couldn't help overhearing what's happening, and I think it would make a

very good story. I'd like to interview you.

Does your paper let you run an expense account?

Yeah, why?

I'd like a large vodka and tonic, Raymond would like a large brandy, and

would like half a lager.

Now, tell me, what is your first question?

I thought you might be interested in what this lady's just come in to report,

Sergeant. What can I do for you, madam?

Well, I'm not sure.

Probably silly of me to come.

I thought it best, thank you.

You never know, do you?

Well, no, not till you tell me about it. I don't want to. What's the problem?

I own the hairdressers on the green.

That's at Lynn's Salon, Sergeant.

I've got a number of regular clients that I visit in their homes.

I don't know, but it seems that one of my clients has gone missing.

Missing?

Well...

I've done her hair every Thursday afternoon at three for the past, well,

years.

I got no reply when I visited her home yesterday, and I tried again this

morning. Well, perhaps she's gone shopping.

I got no reply last week either, and that's the first time in 15 years. She

wouldn't go a week without having her hair done, let alone two weeks.

I feel something's happened to her.

Right, well, let's start with this lady's full name and address, shall we?

Right, now I'd like one with the young man raising the flag and you just a bit

closer into the pole. All right, off you go, Ray.

That's it, lovely. Hold on, hold on, let me take my hat off.

Righto.

Nice and... Yeah.

Lovely.

Right, now I'd like you to take some of my British range and be sure and tell

all your readers everyone comes with a six -month warranty.

Right. Clickety -click.

Just got one or two adjustments to make.

Good.

Ready?

Good.

Great.

That's fine, Greg. Got more than enough. Great.

The paper will be on the streets this afternoon, Mr. Daly. I'll make sure you

get some complimentary copies.

Thanks for all your help.

Always happy to oblige the fourth estate.

Yes, officer.

Morning, Mr. Daly. Good morning. Ray.

Marky. I wonder if I could have a minute.

As you've beaten the morning rush to my car lot, you most certainly may. Which

of the models are you interested in?

We've got a young lad down at the neck. We're just booking him on a list of

charges as long as you're armed.

His speciality's breaking into cars.

Among the items in his possession are a number of credit cards.

Now, we're not sure, but we think that they might belong to your wife.

My wife and credit cards? What a frightening concept.

I went round to your address, but I can't get any answer. Do you know where

is? Oh, you won't find her there, lad.

Her indoors is staying with her in Norfolk.

Sorry? She's staying with her sister up in Norfolk.

Do you think I could trouble you for the address?

Yeah, yeah, wait.

Wait there.

Yes, I'm sorry to disturb you. This is Detective Sergeant Morley in

Police, CID.

I'm trying to locate a Mrs Daly.

I promise you something special, Billy.

And there it is.

What is it?

That is a microchip marvel, Billy. What does it do?

It gives its fortunate purchaser an entirely new concept in his domestic

And I have exclusive distribution rights in the UK.

Yes, but what does it do?

It brings amusement to its owner. And dare I say it? Yes, I dare. It also

joy. It is fun and it is functional.

I mean, let's assume you want a five -minute steak under the grill. What

happens? You bung eight ounces of the best scotch prime under, the phone

When you return to the cooker, what are you confronted with?

Charcoal embers.

Not anymore.

You bung one of these on the cooker, set the timer, and when your steak is just

right, what do you hear?

That's amazing.

Have we got any others?

Well, apart from the one that plays tenderly when your steak is just right,

have one for your alarm clock, which plays money, money, money when it's time

get up and go to work, and I have one for the spin dryer, which plays all

up when the clothes are dry.

Well, I think you're on a winner there, Arthur. How much are they?

Good morning again, Detective Constable Parr.

Sorry, am I disturbing you? You are indeed. What can I do for you?

I tried to phone first, but your line appears to be out of order.

Yes, something to do with the drilling up the road.

What do you want?

I'm a worried man.

Have you dragged me away from my business just to tell me you've got

Look, next time you're giving evidence at the Old Bailey, I'm going to have you

pulled out of the witness box so I can talk to you about my overdraft.

I wish to share my worries with you.

I'm an entrepreneur, Mr Morley, not a priest or a shrink.

Bear with me, please, Mr Daly.

It's about your wife.

My wife? What about her? I attempted to contact her at the address that you were

kind enough to give D .P. Park.

Yeah?

She isn't there.

And neither is she expected.

As far as I can ascertain, your wife has vanished.

What was she wearing the last time you saw her? God knows.

What was yours wearing the last time you saw her?

A pale blue dress, cream buttons, black belt with gold fastenings, matching

earrings, nylons, black shoes, black leather shoulder bag.

And if I was so inclined, I could tell you the exact colour of her underwear.

Do you have a recent photograph of your wife?

What, on me?

Yeah. Certainly not.

Don't carry that sort of stuff around with me.

You're sure she's not staying with her sister in Norfolk? She could be in their

spare bedroom.

Her sister's very vague.

Mr Daly, yesterday your wife failed to keep an appointment at the hairdresser's

for the second week running.

Prior to this, she hasn't missed an appointment in 15 years.

We have also received information from a member of the public who alleged that

something untoward has happened to your wife. You told DC Parks she was staying

with her sister in Norfolk. She isn't. You told me you haven't seen her in a

couple of weeks.

She appears to have vanished off the face of this earth. Aren't you concerned

for her welfare?

Mr Morley, Erin Dawes is a formidable woman. Very formidable.

I appreciate your concern, but it is misplaced. I assure you, nothing has

happened to her.

And I'd be grateful if you'd stop your inquiries.

Really?

Why?

Look, if she hears the police are looking for her, she'll be put out.

Very put out.

And when her indoors is put out, she has a tendency to become aggravated.

And I've learned from experience that when she's aggravated, I get

Now, somehow, don't ask me how, her indoors works in mysterious ways. But

somehow, it will be my fault that you are looking for her.

And I have got quite enough on my plate without that.

I'd like you to check her wardrobe.

Nah, she wouldn't be in there.

We just want to establish what clothes are missing. It would help when we put

out a full description.

I'll send DC Park round to collect a list of the missing clothing and a

photograph. If you like.

You don't think he's done her in, Sarge?

He might have done.

But Arthur Daly's not capable of murdering anyone.

Is that what they taught you at Hendon?

Some people are capable of murdering, some people aren't. What a well -ordered

world you live in. Yeah, but this is Arthur Daly we're talking about. Not

an ordinary, average man, eh? Absolutely.

Johnny, I don't know if Arthur Daly murdered his wife or not yet.

But what I do know...

is that the prisons of this country are full of ordinary average men, and some

of those ordinary average men are serving life sentences for murder.

Dailies into Europe. Managing Director speaking.

Arthur, it's Ray. Ray, you seen the local paper?

Yeah, and so have the local council.

That planning officer's been over here with the summons. They're going to take

you to court.

Right, bring it with you to Drummond's office. I'll meet you there.

Tell him.

Yes, officer? When you've finished checking your shares, I'd like a word

you.

Right, officer.

Tell me, what's your favourite colour?

Blue. Thought it might be.

I'm afraid we can only offer three colours on our traffic lights.

Red. Amber and green.

Now, you've sat there while we've gone through our entire range twice.

We're out of blue at the moment.

I want you to put that car into first gear and move it. Right? Yes, obviously.

Yes, I do understand that, Sergeant. I'm always anxious to help the police.

As long as you understand my position.

I can't, of course, make any official statement, but... Provided I had your

assurance that anything I might say to you would be off the record, I'd be

to cooperate.

Fine. I look forward to seeing you.

Mr. Daly.

George. Mr. Daly, this is Raymond, a member of my staff.

He's also a family.

Nice one. Pleased to meet you.

Come and sit down.

Well, this is a very serious business.

Very serious.

I think it'd be wise to retain a top silk.

Now, what about John Rockman?

Top -class man.

He'll give him the run for your money.

How much?

Well, a retainer of £10 ,000 should do it. And then, of course, there'll be

refreshers.

Refreshers? Yes.

A thousand a day for the length of the trial.

Well, that kind of money, I'm the one who need refreshing.

That'll be cheaper than doing Lord Lucan. No, no, no, I defend myself.

Most unwise.

You know what they say, a man who defends himself has a fool for a client.

That'd be an expression coined by a member of your profession, I take it.

Do you know, I think it was.

Look, all I was doing is asserting my common rights.

I mean, what sort of sentence could they give me?

What if you're found guilty?

Hmm. Oh, it'd be life.

No doubt about that.

At your age, you'll probably die in prison.

Oh, yes, it'd have to be lies.

What, for flying a Union Jack on a bloody flagpole and saying British is

I beg your pardon?

Well, here you are.

At least it's a comment they delivered today.

Ah.

My apologies, Mr Daly. I assumed you'd come to see me on another matter.

What other matter?

Oh, something connected with your wife's disappearance. My wife has not

disappeared.

She's been mislaid. Now, about that summons. Oh, this presents no problem at

all. No, no, none at all.

On the evidence of this article, you're obviously guilty.

You'll be fined and ordered to take the flag down.

Tell me, um, how is Mrs Daly?

It was difficult trying to establish anything at Daly's.

Being evasive, was he? More elusive.

It's hard trying to keep up with him in the dark. The electricity had been cut

off. I also established that the phones had been cut off.

Having money problems, is he?

Well, well, well.

Did you get a photo of the lady?

No. You what? He said he couldn't find any. He also said that none of her

clothes were missing as far as he could tell. Did he now?

Well, I wonder what his good wife has been wearing for the last two weeks.

He then asked me whether the local council was being ruled by Moscow or

and inquired whether the Third Reich...

Had we surfaced in the bowels of the town hall?

Mr Daly, do you wish to question the witness?

Mrs Worship, one cannot hold a dialogue with a man who is permanently cocking a

deafen. I am aware that this man was, using the infamous phrase, only obeying

orders.

I call Raymond Albert Daly.

Did you ever talk about his home life?

I never knew he had one.

What about... What about other women?

Did you ever see Arthur with another woman?

I never saw Arthur with his wife, let alone another woman.

Mr Daly.

Yes, Mr Daly.

You are currently employed at the Arthur Daly car showroom. All leading models

carried. Significant discounts given.

1A Graceful Road, North West 6. Are you not?

That is correct.

You have heard the evidence given by this person from the planning office at

town hall?

Yes, I have.

In view of the fact that you was present when Mr Richards and me was talking

about the union, Jack, do you have anything that you would like to add?

Yes, I do.

Mr Richards arrived on the car lot shortly after 9am.

I was concerned to notice that he was staggering about and bouncing off of the

stock. You are referring to the Made in Britain stock?

Everyone with a six -month warranty.

Yes, I am.

I grew apprehensive when it became apparent that his breath smelt heavily

alcohol. I was concerned about the valuable stock.

And it seemed likely to me that at any moment he might commit a very violent

act. That's outrageous.

That's what I thought at the time. And as I recall, you were also singing

something about there's only one team in London.

That's a bloody lie.

Need I say more, Madam Welford?

Now, I realise that you're... lad works for Arthur Daly and that you literally

owe him a certain loyalty.

Yeah, yeah, well, we are... Family.

Family, yeah.

Precisely. And it's in his interest that we get to the bottom of this affair.

By helping us, you're helping him.

Is that what... What I want, yeah.

No.

Is that what Arthur said?

Oh, yes, that as well.

Are you sure?

Would I lie to you, love?

It's what Mr Daly would say if he was here.

Now, turning to Mrs Daly, just within these four walls, would you know

if there was another man in her life?

Well, she went a bit quiet for a while when Steve McQueen died.

Mrs Worship, I represent an ethnic minority.

We few, we happy few, are Englishmen and proud to be just that.

Oh, I'm sure if I went round rubbishing my country, I'd get a standing ovation

in certain quarters and a grant from the local council.

I went into a public house during the World Cup.

England were playing Cameroon.

The whole pub was cheering for Cameroon.

This in a country that invented football.

I have led a blameless life.

Yet I am brought before you like a common criminal because I dare to say

is best.

What has happened to traditional values?

So you were saying that Mr Daly came in to see you recently.

What about?

About his overdraft. He wanted to increase his limit.

Big overdraft, is it, sir?

Substantial. Quite substantial.

Did he say he had any prospects of reducing it in the near future?

You know, as a matter of fact, he did, some scheme or other.

He'd just had a large flagpole erected on his forecourt.

I can't remember precisely, but it was an important aspect in his plans to

money.

I am intrigued by the comment you made to the planning enforcement officer.

Do you seriously believe...

that the local town hall is run by a bunch of extremists who are bigoted,

paranoid and grossly incompetent?

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Your reference to Mr Richard's about going over the top indicates you have a

military history.

Oh, yes, indeed I do.

Can you give us some details?

Oh, indeed I can. I did two years national service, the catering corps at

Catrick, and I was sent on six weeks secret detachment to the Isle of Wight.

You've been neglecting your cuticles.

There's really no need to do this, you know.

I just want to ask you a few questions.

Of course.

But it looks better if you're a customer.

You know how people are about the police.

Yeah, I do.

In my experience, people confide in their hairdressers.

They tell them things they wouldn't dream of saying to anyone else.

That's true.

Take Mrs Daly now.

Regular customer for 15 years.

You probably know more about her than anyone else alive.

I can tell you this.

She's got wonderful roots.

That was a bit strong, wasn't it? Saying he was pissed on the car lot?

Not at all.

The old bird told me that the magistrate's teetotal.

After I talked with your colleague the other day, I gave the matter

thought, and I recalled something that might just possibly be relevant.

A number of years ago, Mr. Daly lodged this with me.

While not fully embracing your opinions on the people who are running this

borough, we incline to the view that prosecutions like this tend to give your

position... Considerable credibility.

I wish our borough solicitor to advise those who have instructed him in this

to investigate as a matter of extreme urgency the allegation that council

employees are consuming alcohol during working hours.

Mr. Daly, this court is giving you an absolute discharge.

Your costs will be awarded against the council.

Of course, should you repeat the alleged offence and the council proceed against

you, then you must understand that if found guilty, you might well incur a

Thank you, Mrs. Worship.

All right, so you've established a motive.

I still don't believe that Arthur Daly has murdered his wife.

It's a proven and indisputable fact, Park.

85 % of murders are domestic.

A wife gets murdered, you start with the husband.

85 times out of 100, you get a hole in one.

Ah.

That concrete plinth, what would you say it measured?

Six by four.

Mr. Dane, this way, please.

And one more.

I want to do a follow -up story. How the little man beat the council, that sort

of thing. My pleasure, Greg, my pleasure. You follow us back to the car

it can be conducted at the scene of my triumph.

Watch out, Arthur, here comes the enemy.

Mr. Richards.

Greg Hunt, West London Recorder. What if I could have a comment before I'll read

it on the verdict?

With a travesty of justice.

I'll be watching you daily.

Every move you make, I'll be watching you. You lose some, you lose some.

Why don't you invite him back for a drink, Arthur?

Um... Oh, he's gone.

There's witnesses, every single one of you. This is nothing less than a case of

criminal assault.

You're nothing better than a middle -aged vandal, Morley. You've gone too

this time, though. I've just stuffed the council. You'll be no trouble. I'm

doing you for criminal assault and battery.

I have all the required permissions, Daly. What required permissions?

Who in their right mind would give you permission to do a thing like this?

What are you up to?

I'm continuing my investigations into the disappearance of your wife.

My wife?

What's she got to do with your wanton destruction?

It's quite simple, really.

I'm trying to establish that she's buried beneath this flagpole.

Are you aware that I supply electronic components for the medical profession?

Yes. Yes, and you are literally putting human life at risk by cutting off my

telephone lines.

Checks were sent to you weeks ago for all outstanding bills.

No, no, no. I want a full -scale investigation.

I also want my lines restored.

What do you mean, have a nice day?

Hello?

Why is it whenever you put a shovel in an Englishman's hands, he always leans

it? Hello, Billy.

No point in filling the hole, Arthur. They'll only have to dig it up again

they come to put the flagpole back up. Arthur, I've come down for some more

microchip marvels. They're going to bomb me, Bradford. I'll take six dozen

tenderly and three dozen mixed. Money, money, money, an old shoe cup. Come

inside, Billy.

Good, good.

That is who you've seen since finally and dug up that flagpole.

Arrangements are underway for the re -erection of the flagpole, complete with

flag, Mr Richards.

Thank you, Billy.

Nice to know I'm bringing so much culture into so many people's lives.

All loaded up and ready to go, Billy.

Thank you, Ray.

Can either of you all talk fancy drink down, Winchester?

No, it's a bit too early for us, Billy. Might see you there later.

Right. Bye for now.

Yeah, laters.

Arthur? Yeah?

About Arnie.

Are they indoors?

Yeah. Where exactly is she?

Ray, if I knew, I'd be much happier.

What, you mean you think something really has happened to her, then? Oh, of

course it hasn't.

I'm talking about what's happening to me.

I mean, how can I earn a crust with that Melon Morley going on about how worried

he is?

Isn't that the aggravation of the flagpole?

Next thing we know, they'll be searching the lot.

Next thing we know, they'll be searching the lock -up. Oh, my good God. I can't

remember what in the stock is straight and what isn't.

Have we got the receipts for the striptease egg timers?

Those must go, Ray. Those must go. And those must go.

And what about the Swiss yodeling corkscrews? Are they bent or are they

That's all right. Those must go. Use your discretion.

They must be hidden. All that must go.

Those must go.

These are all right.

Keep moving, officer.

I'm stock -taking.

Mr. Morley wondered if you'd like to come down to the station, please.

Why are you being so polite?

Ever since you and Morley have been going on about her indoors, you've

very polite.

It's my experience when police officers start being polite, they are about to

kick you somewhere very sensitive.

All right.

Raymond, I'm leaving you in charge. Remember all them orders we got to get

Get them out.

I'll leave it all in your hands.

Only when you've finished you stop taking mine.

I'll just go and get my keys and my coat.

There's no need to take your car, Mr. Daly.

I'll give you a lift. My pleasure. Note that, Ray.

Acceptive courtesy.

Daly, your managing director speaking.

Yes, well, it was definitely sent weeks ago.

Yes, yes, that is correct. I am indeed working on secret contracts for the

Ministry of Defence.

You'll give it priority service.

I'm deeply obliged.

Goodbye.

Do you mind, officer?

You do not have security clearance for that kind of classified information.

Billy? Ray Daly.

I'm glad I caught you, mate.

Well, I think I can safely say that today is your lucky day.

Yeah, get yourself over here now, mate.

None of your wife's clothes are missing.

What does that say to you?

She's travelling light.

Very light, I'd say.

You failed to report her missing.

I didn't know she was missing, did I?

You sound like one of the insurance claim forms.

State where you last saw the items you are claiming for.

If you knew where you last saw them, you wouldn't be claiming for them, would

you? How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

I wouldn't.

I'm not given to making public pronouncements about my personal life.

But what I am prepared to discuss is when you're going to get my flagpole

up. Oh, these things take time daily.

Paperwork, you know. You got it down fast enough.

It is now blocking a row of pristine made -in -Britain cars.

I've had three punters wanting to test drive.

I'm losing a fortune.

Would I be right in saying that you're more concerned about your flagpole than

you are about your wife?

My wife is not laid out in the car lot in front of my prime stock.

That's true.

We have established that.

Just exactly where is your wife?

I don't know. I wish I did.

Entrepreneurs do not increase their takings by chatting with police

Detective Sergeant Morley, CID.

The business manager of British Telecom.

Arthur Daly?

No, no, no, no, that's all right.

No, no, no. No, I also supply equipment to the police.

Yes, indeed, that is correct. I need to be in 24 -hour contact with my clientele

in the medical profession.

Priority reconnection. I am deeply obliged.

Yes, yes, and I'll get in touch with the bank, get them to go through their

records and sort out your cheque.

Fine, sir. Goodbye.

Going through a bit of a bad patch, are we?

You wouldn't know about that, would you?

Monthly paycheck, superannuation, pension scheme, all the little perks.

I can't go prancing into some subsidised canteen when I feel peckish. I live in

the real world.

Yeah, and we've established that you're finding it chilly.

And we've also established that some years ago you took out an insurance

on your wife.

I did? You did.

Did I?

Yeah.

I think you'll find it's lodged at your solicitor's.

In the event of her death, you stand to collect a tidy sum.

How tidy?

Positively neat.

Are you sure you heard Arthur right? Definitely.

Tell Billy he said that I want him to take the entire remainder of my stock of

microchip marbles on sale or return.

He wasn't having an attack, was he?

It's not like Arthur. It's not like him at all.

You mean he's trusting me?

Of course he is.

He's even thinking of opening up my northern branch to give you a bit of

service. Bloody hell.

Well, he hasn't been that generous since he sold me a ticket for Lafley's United

Cup final.

Of course it would count to feet, but it's the thought that counts, isn't it?

Right.

Now, while we're at it, what about some singing camels?

Camels, Bradford, aye, definitely.

In view of the fuss that you made about your flagpole, I'm giving you notice of

our intention to search your premises.

She's not in the lock -up. I'd have seen her.

I'm talking about your home.

Well, she's not there either. Still, you're welcome to go and look.

Rest assured, it will be left precisely as we find it.

I'll leave the spare key.

Leave it on the old table.

There you go, Squire.

Yeah,

Ray, you sure this stuff's not iffy? Of course it isn't, Dave. We just cramped

for space at the lock -up.

What's yours, Charlie? A pint, please. Better? Yeah, please.

I want you to make a full statement.

You're not, of course, obliged to say anything, but anything you do say will

taken down and may be used in evidence.

I want to know all about your wife.

You can start with the day you met her.

By the time you've finished, I want to know her better than you do.

What I want to know is why Arthur Daly can't store all this stuff round his

house. He told you the police might... Search?

Search, yeah.

Well, suppose they come here to search.

We'll be accessories.

I blame all this on that wife of his.

I never did like her.

If someone's done her in, they should get the Nobel Peace Prize.

Mum, that's Aunty you're talking about.

Now... Where do you want these laughing policemen?

So what do you think then, Sarge?

I want a body part.

That's what I want.

When I've got that, I'll tell you what I think.

In the meantime, I'd daily sign that and let him go.

It's changed.

Raymond, you've been excessive.

You might as well tell them where she is.

They'll find her sooner or later.

What have you done with her?

You can't leave this stuff here forever, Ray. I've got a club to run.

Well, you know Arthur only stopped taking.

Ray, thank God you're here.

I thought you'd gone missing too.

I need the use of your spare bedroom.

The police have completely turned my place over.

Well, it'll have to be the kitchen, Arthur. The spare room's full of your

Cardiff.

Now, that will be our indoors, Arthur.

How do you know that?

He'd been ringing every five minutes.

Hey, now, come on.

Let's get over and done with, Arthur.

Go on.

Answer it.

Did she sound put out, Dave?

Very, very.

Discovered her being a massive police officer?

Yeah, yeah. She's been talking with her next -door neighbour.

He's been complaining about all -night police parties, hooliganism. And he

have mentioned the various visits too, I assume.

Phoned, liked, hairdressed?

Yeah, yeah, they did crop up in the conversation.

Yeah, and apparently the Residents' Association has lodged a formal

And the caretaker is anxious for the worst.

You must be relieved, Harper.

Relieved? Well, that auntie's all right.

Relieved?

Relieved.

You are looking at a definitive case of terminal aggravation.

She went to Elf Farm, didn't she?

Of course she did, spur of the moment.

Said she gave me a letter for the hairdresser. Probably went down the same

hole as my cheque for the phone and the light.

Come on, Ray. Let's go and see if Morley's got that flagpole up. Look, are

sure you don't want to pop round and see Aunty?

It's all my fault. I told those bloody policemen it would be.

And make things worse, she says she's lost weight and wants a complete new

wardrobe of clothes.

I have committed invaluable man hours in the pursuit of this investigation.

Tax... taxpayer's money has been expended, the police computer has been

mobilised, there has been an all -station alert throughout the country in

hunt for your wife, and all this could have been avoided if you hadn't mislaid

her. And now, you come strolling in here, bold as brass, demanding that

blasted flagpoles are re -erected without delay.

Well, I'm telling you that your flipping flagpole was re -erected at the tax...

pay his expense three hours ago.

I'm going to count to five.

And if you're still here when I've finished, I'm going to charge you with

wasting police time.

Hold on while I put the floodlights on.

Arthur! The flagpole!

Is it up?

It's gone.

Somebody's nicked it.