Original subtitles

Love you like you want me to.

isn't it? Yes, we try to keep all our cars ready.

Yes, well, I think it... Oh!

I'm terribly sorry.

Don't worry.

Terry!

Terry!

Terry!

See you, Godfrey.

Godfrey, I wanted a word with you about the darts match. Sorry, Bri, but I've

got to run. My old man had one of the shirts.

Like next time. Vincent, don't forget about the darts match, will you?

Right on, Bri.

Ah, Mary.

The old vocal chords were in good nick today, eh?

Ta very much, Vicar.

Mrs. Pickerton -Jones.

Mr. Howlett.

Thank you so much.

Bye -bye.

I want you two at the dance match. No bunking off, OK?

No sweat powdery.

Bye -bye. Thank you for coming.

Thanks very much. Bye -bye.

Mr Redwood.

Would it not be possible to arrange special services for those...

people?

They're all members of the parish, Mrs Bickerton -Jones. Just like you and Mr

Howlett here.

Just like us, Vicar.

Come and have a coffee in the crypt sometime.

They're good blokes. You might pick up a thing or two.

Of that, I have no doubt.

It's always the same excuses.

Listen, just because a poxy wing mirror fell off doesn't mean you can have a go

at me in public.

Look, you don't understand the pressures.

Pressures? That motor's been sitting out there so long it's started to take

root. Oh.

Along comes a cash customer out of the blue and bits start falling off like it

was autumn. She bought the bleeding thing, didn't she? Look, I've got to fix

that wing mirror. I've got to replace the sphere. If it's not ready to tell,

shouldn't put it on the forecourt, should you? Come in, Godfrey. Godfrey

Terry Godfrey. What's your offer?

How do, Terry?

Yeah, I think I've had a better result, Arthur. Nice little colour portable.

Needs a bit of fixing up, you know, blah, blah, blah. But it should be ready

this evening. Well, don't knock yourself out, Godfrey. It's only for early

indoors. She wants a telly in the kitchen.

Kitchen? Yes.

To occupy her mind while the duck alorange is defrosting. Oh, dear.

You'll have to front me a couple of quid, Arthur. You know, it needs a

parts. New aerial, blah, blah, blah.

Here you are.

Ten. Oh.

Nice one, Arthur. Thank you. Thank you very much, sir.

I'll bill you then, eh?

Yeah.

You'll have to pick it up, Godfrey, because my motor's temporary. What's the

name? Yeah, all right, Godfrey. Thank you. Nice to meet you, Terry. Thank you,

sir. Thank you.

What was that?

Well, Godfrey, Mr Broker puts a bit of gear my way from time to time.

OK. No. He mends things.

TVs, fridges, stuff that people chuck out.

You don't seriously think I'd do proper business with someone like that, do you?

No. No.

That's not your style at all, is it? No, no.

Hurry up, Vince.

It's all right. He ain't here. All right, all right. All right, come on,

on. Come on.

Let's move to what's -her -name.

Only if you ask proper.

Would you please move to what's -her -name?

Hello.

Brought my car, have you?

I don't know, did I?

It's my 18th birthday present.

Ah, lucky you.

Foxy heap.

I wanted a golf convertible.

Yeah, well, it's a tough life, isn't it?

That is your part of the registration document, and if you'll be so kind as to

sign the receipt.

What does as seen mean?

Oh, that's just legal jargon. It means you've seen the car you're buying.

I wish my husband was here to deal with this. I think your daughter will find

it's an ideal runabout.

Nice garden you have, Mrs. Hurst.

Yes, but a bit featureless.

I was thinking of having it landscaped. Oh, yes. But the estimates I've had are

outrageous. Well, everything's the same these days, isn't it?

As a matter of fact, I had one this morning.

Thought it must be a typing error.

Gordon Bennett.

I'm standing there, and she says, I want a pond over there and a rockery over

there. That's landscape gardening, isn't it? That's what you think, but I know

better. See, a pond is an hole, and a rockery is the opposite.

A rockery is a pile of pillock.

You dig an hole, there's your pond. You dump the muck from the hole a few yards

away, garnish with a well -chosen rock or two, QEV.

There's your robbery.

And Giza's charged thousands for this. Yeah, but Giza's what knows something

about gardening, Arthur.

What's she going to think when a dodgy car dealer suddenly turns up and says

he's a dodgy landscape gardener? Not so much of a suddenly.

I had the presence of mind to mention my interest. I left the door open. Yeah,

but who's going to dig this hole, eh?

Oh, don't you read the papers?

There's millions out there looking for a fair day's work for a fair day's wage.

Exactly. So who's going to work for you, eh? A few more mugs like you. Giza for

you, Arthur.

Thanks, Dave.

Hello? Who's that?

Oh, hello, God.

Are you joking?

No, no, no, that's all right.

We'll be there.

Bye -bye, God.

Come on, look lively. Little job.

No, I'm not digging any ponds. No, of course you're not. You'll help me pick

a colour portable.

I don't just mean now, I mean ever. There is no such term as never, Terence.

Arthur, this is a church. Well spotted, Terry.

I see.

God's branching out into electrical goods, is he? No, they've got a darts

on or something.

Do anything to poor the punters these days.

It's Godfrey there.

It's Arthur.

One of those trendy sort of vicars, is it? Open the book, will you?

All right, Godfrey? Here you are.

Open the book, Terry. Give him a hand. All right, all right.

Get songs of praise on all four channels, do you?

Be careful. Excuse me, gentlemen. Oh, my God. Not quite.

Bit disappointing, eh, Godfrey?

Yeah, I'm... I'm double -choked, Brian, straight up.

Not least for my good lady wife, who was looking forward to David Attenborough.

What can I say, Brian?

I mean, I was... I was tidying up in the vicarage and doing a bit of dusting,

blah, blah, blah.

And all of a sudden, ba -boom, I find myself having it way on the end of me

with the old telly.

Excuse me for asking, Godfrey, but am I right in thinking you were just trying

to knock out the vicar's telly to me? Go to the top of the class, Arthur. Give

him a smack, Terry.

Please, remember you're in God's house.

Sorry, Reverend, it slipped my mind.

Incidentally, I hope you're not under the impression that I was cognisant with

the origin of this appliance.

No, no, no, I quite understand, Mr Daly.

Godfrey's been out of prison about a year now.

There's been the odd bit of backsliding, but...

Nothing too disastrous, eh, Godfrey? Old habits, Brian, blah, blah, blah.

Do you mean you knew he was a wrong -un?

There's one or two wrong -uns in this part of the world.

Say that again.

But they're all members of my flock.

Joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over ninety

-nine just persons that need no repentance.

Eh, Godfrey?

Well, this is it, isn't it, Brian?

I mean, ba -boom.

I mean, he's been a real prince, the old Brian.

Yeah, nice little club down here in the crypt, he and stuff.

You can let someone a chap sleep in a vicarage.

Finds us work.

He's been a real wuss, his name is Brian, no lie.

I think we should introduce Mr Daly to some of the blokes. Hey, Godfrey?

Oh, my goodness, is that the time?

Oh, you can spare five minutes, Mr Daly. I can't tell you how important it is to

introduce these blokes to the more law -abiding members of the community.

In the meantime, of course, Arthur will have to do.

Oh, hey, we've got company.

Pop this lot, Terry.

Oh, social worker's nightmare, isn't it? Oh, Vincent, Marion.

Come and meet some new friends.

Marion?

That was John Wayne's real name?

Yeah, his mother was real. What's her name apart from John Wayne? Oh, yeah.

How do you do? How do you do?

Please, come and see my new angel.

Come along, David. Oh, yes, yes, of course we will.

Spare some loose dosh for a spot of supper, chief.

Very nice.

Have you ever thought of doing that on a pavement?

No.

That's a great idea.

Well, I suppose you'd be wanting change.

Well, what do you think of our little port in a storm?

Oh, it's very, uh, very uplifting, Father.

I know what you're thinking.

Why bother with a bunch of old lags?

Flotsam and Jetsam of this world. Well, they've paid their debt to the society,

but the society doesn't want them.

These blokes crave for what most of us take for granted.

Well... A home.

Acceptant.

I suppose work is a bit of a problem.

It is indeed.

Of course, men in this unfortunate predicament would not expect to earn top

whack, I imagine.

I mean, the dignity of honest labour would take precedence over a bloated

packet, am I right?

Up to a point. In that case, can we have a few words in investment?

Oh, yes.

Excuse me.

Yeah. Excuse me. No, hold on, hold on. What's occurring here? No, no, you just

hang about here, Terry. You'll be all right.

You're amongst your own.

Oh.

Oh, forget it, that's all. Look, Terry, will you listen to me? No, you listen to

me. I don't want anything to do with rockeries or ponds or shovels or piles

earth, anything, all right? Listen.

And don't give me all that garbage about fresh air and exercise.

Be wet and muddy and a bleeding disaster.

Because I don't know anything about gardening. And neither, by the way, do

Terry, Terry, Terry.

No, no, no.

Look, you don't have to do any digging.

I am hiring a team of first -rate artisans to do that.

You just sit around drinking cups of tea and reading your paper, just like you

always do.

It's good old Englishman management.

They dig, you don't do nothing.

And for this, I cut you in a third.

So when Mrs. Earth fronts me, 1 ,500, as agreed, you're already up half a K.

500 quid up front. That's right.

So what about these other artisans, then? Well, they should be... You know,

sounds like them.

You're going to be very impressed.

Oh, yes, I'm very impressed.

Oh, Mr Chisholm. Mr Jones.

Do you know anything about rockeries?

No, he knows a thing or two about planting, though, don't you, eh?

I'm not in the mood for batting arge from the likes of you two, so pin your

back and maintain an attentive silence, cos I'm about to do you a big favour.

What, early retirement, is it? Tell him, Jones, before I jump on his head.

We've got a bit of an epidemic on our hands, eh?

A house -breaking epidemic, one or two a day. Bright thorn in the flesh.

Mr Chisholm here's getting old manner of stick because we can't bloody catch

him, see?

Jones.

Mr Chisholm, I hope you're not suggesting... Oh, I'm suggesting, all

what I'm suggesting is this.

You'd better be dead cautious about any bargains coming your way daily,

particularly in the way of televisions, hi -fis, food mixers, other electrical

equipment commonly found around the home.

So we'll take a little nose round now.

We'll be back again tomorrow.

And the day after tomorrow.

You expecting some sort of delivery daily?

In a manner of speaking, Chisholm, yeah.

It's your daily delivery, isn't it?

Thank you, Mr Jones.

Good grief.

My boys.

Ah, Sergeant Chisholm.

The good Comptable Jones.

You've just met Matting.

Oh, dear.

Anyway, take a pew.

No, this won't take long, Vicar. I hope none of my blokes have been straying off

the path of righteousness.

Not exactly.

What a sort of foreboding, Minister.

All very apt, Mr Jones.

Thank you.

Godfrey Taylor, Marion Jennings, Vincent Green, Cedric Saunders.

I have very good news for you concerning these gentlemen, Sergeant.

Oh, really?

Oh, yes, indeed. All of these gentlemen have started full -time employment this

very day under the auspices of a well -intentioned local businessman.

Oh, the blokes are as chuffed as hell.

Well, they're jolly chuffed.

And would this businessman be one Arthur Daly by any chance?

Yes. Yes, that's a bloke. Jolly good thought.

Oh, yes.

More than happy to employ them, despite their unfortunate track record.

Positively leapt at the chance. Did he indeed?

Case of the blind leading the blind, eh?

I think I should put you in the picture, regarding Mr Daly. Daly's right, the

current diversity.

And the sergeant here, he's been trying to put him in the frame for years.

Without success.

Jones... Sorry.

I have reason to believe that Mr Daly's involved in criminal activities, Vicar.

And being as having his webs up with something or... Congregation.

Is Mr. Daly a convicted criminal, Sergeant? Not yet, no.

Then you must agree that he's innocent in the eyes of the law.

Not to mention the Lord.

You really must stop thinking the worth of people, Mr. Chisholm.

He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much.

St. Luke, 16.

Once a villain, always a villain.

Ageism, yet to be proved wrong.

Well, I don't see what villainy there is in building a rockery.

Building a what?

Rockery of ages?

Clap for me sort of thing, eh, Minister?

Very good, Jones.

Very good indeed.

Very... grown.

I've been thinking. The governor won't go off on us making inquiries about a

rockery, will he? Jones, two things. Do not tell me how to do my job, and two,

do not interject feeble Welsh jokes when I'm trying to interview a member of the

Clough.

There we go, son.

That's the old shovel, Mark Brink.

A very lethal weapon in the hands of a paddy, you know.

Oh, yeah, right.

Ah, that was their best single, this one, huh?

Yeah.

Oh,

completely slipped my mind. Many thanks.

Now, I do hope your men won't mind, but rather than having them tramping through

the house, I thought they could use the shed.

to make their tea and so on. I don't think there'll be much tea drinking, Mrs

Hurst. They are hungry for work.

There is just one other thing.

Fiona's car.

I'd better just give the lads a green light.

It makes this terrible noise.

You've been making friends with old... what's her name, then? Yeah, but she's a

pain in the bum.

Oh, no, come on, Vince. I mean, you've got to chat her up, you know, keep her

sweet, find out about her neighbours, you know what I mean?

What are we here for?

Never you mind.

That bloody motor's on the blink.

You've got the readies yet? Yeah, shortly, shortly.

Oi, you lot, over here.

Right, we all set then?

What about a brew up, Arthur?

Look, Mrs. Earth's residence is out of bounds, but she's very kindly said you

can have the use of that shed over there.

There's not even a kettle in there.

God, can't you use the local caf?

Local caf in this area?

It's all right.

We'll find something and a good food guide.

Very droll.

Any of you done gardening before?

He done the cabbage pack to Parker for a couple of years.

Tell him to control his vegetable inclinations. We don't want cabbages

up through the rockery, do we? We plough the fields and scatter the good seed on

the land.

You leave off.

Tom, Marion, very nicely put.

Good work, Terry.

Another break -in last night, Gav. Looks like the same team and all. I'm aware

of that, Jones.

We won't want to be spending too much time on Daly's lot, will we?

Do you know why friend Godfrey has spent most of his miserable life banged up in

various nicks?

He's a villain.

He's a house -breaking villain. He breaks into houses.

You show him a pile of bricks with a couple of windows and a door and he

a man possessed.

Look with me so far.

Oh, that's brilliant.

That is.

No, no, no, no. Look, I've told you already.

I'll sit here good as gold all day long.

But I'm certainly not giving your highly paid artisans any aggro for skiving

off. Whose side are you on?

Nobody's. I just don't have a boss's mentality.

And I don't want one either.

Top of which, I ain't seen any wages yet. All right, all right. All right,

here.

Here, there's a sentry to be going on with.

And would you mind asking that horrible oaf if he can stand upright without the

help of a shovel?

Arthur, there's a Sergeant Chisholm to see you and Terry.

Oh, wonderful.

Well, come on, then. At least wave your shovel about or something.

What?

And so you see, Mrs. Hur, I thought I ought to warn you that your so -called

gardeners, as supplied by Daly here, are all convicted felons.

Mr. McCann here has served a prison sentence for a crime of violence, while

activities of Daly himself have frequently been the subject of police

investigations. Nice one, Chisholm.

Is this true? True?

This is a monstrous slur on my good name. My criminal record exists only in

warped officer's imagination.

And as for that fine body of men out there, yes, yes, yes, they may have

from the straight and narrow in the mists of time, but all they ask is that

be allowed to ply their honest trade, free of the petty vendettas and

ag of officers who've got nothing else to do but sabotage the efforts of the

vicar and myself and my boy Terry to help rehabilitate these poor unfortunate

men.

A great personal expense to myself, I might add.

Madam, I can only repeat that it is my professional opinion that these men

represent a serious threat to your possessions and property.

I suggest you look elsewhere for gardeners.

Certainly not. I'm most impressed by what Mr Daly has said, and I support him

all the way.

I was a prison visitor once.

And I'm only too aware of the kind of problems these men have to face.

Madam, if you think Daly is involved in some sort of charity... I don't wish to

discuss it any further, Sergeant.

I think the lady means it's time for you to go, Mr Chisholm.

Jones.

I'll have you, Daly. Bank my rights, you see.

Really?

You again, sir?

Yeah, sir, I'll tell.

Start on their holidays.

Oh, yeah? My mum's got the key.

What, with a plant or something?

Oh, yeah.

If only I could go with her and watch their video.

All right, then.

Hi, Chuck.

Hi. Hi, Chuck.

Oh, Burke.

No, right.

Chuck.

What we're doing here is the... We're laying out the old hoes like that, see?

Then we dig around inside it. Ba -boom.

And then we've got a nice curly line. Manny, what's the name?

Don't try and blind me with technicals. Just thought I might mention that

Chisholm's been here.

Get away.

Yeah, I'm very agitated about you lot and all.

Seems to think you're intent on a bit of suburban pillaging.

Oh, well, that's a diabolical what's -her -name, that, isn't it? Don't worry,

Mrs. Hurst chucked him out.

Very trusting, Mrs. Hurst is, but I'm not.

So you'll keep everything clean and tidy or you'll answer to me, all right?

On my life, Till. I mean, on my life. You've got no worries on that.

Yeah.

Look, if you want a break, take it now, will you?

Arthur's away looking for rock.

Thanks, Till.

Lovely to do business with you.

Right, stop the car.

You've only gone round the corner.

Did you hear me?

What for?

I said out!

I'm going to check out this break -in.

You're stopping here on surveillance.

Surveillance? Do you want me to spell it for you?

According to my calculations, these houses will back onto Mrs Hurst's

want you to find a suitable spot from which to observe the activities of

mob. Once you've sorted a suitable location, you phone in to me. And to me

Look, no offence, Gavin, but are you feeling, you know, a bit off -colour

Never better.

What a lovely little worker.

Can't he go in any other direction rather than down?

I mean, it's supposed to be a pond, isn't it?

It's going to be three foot wide and 50 foot deep. It's more like a bleeding

well. Well?

Oh, well, I suppose you're right, yeah.

Marion, do you think you can sort of widen it out a bit, you know?

Make it a bit more what's -her -name. Bleeding kangaroo will jump out of there

in a minute.

Ba -boom.

This is it.

Hilarious.

Where's boy Wanda? We went for a quick what's -her -name.

Terry, Arthur's on the phone for you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, working like beavers they are, yeah.

Well, I don't know, but...

Yeah, things will be going all right, as far as I can tell, you know.

Remind him about the car.

No,

no, there's been no sign of Chisholm, no. No, Miffy wants to remind you about

the car.

Well, it's just making a terrible noise, isn't it? Anything else?

Whatever gear it's in, it only goes backwards.

Afraid me and the aunts have got to knock off now, you know.

Evening prayers and all that, blah, blah, blah.

Try and get there if you don't turn up.

No, don't bother me. Knock off when you like, mate. All right, mate.

God bless you.

Go on. Go on.

See you tomorrow.

Yeah, yeah. Have a nice prayer.

Are we in danger, officer?

No, no, nothing like that, Mrs. Musket.

What's Mrs. Hurst done?

You can tell me.

She hasn't done anything.

Oh, dear.

Look, can I use your telephone, Mrs. Husker?

Yes, of course.

Would you like a glass of beer and a sandwich?

That's very kind of you. Thank you very much.

Shouldn't you have a camera with a telephoto lens?

Evening, Arthur.

Dave. What's up?

Give the boy a lager. Have one yourself and a large VAT for me. Your ship

coming, is it, Arthur?

Oh, you could say that.

You know, the creation of wealth is a very satisfying feeling.

I mean, I don't want to blow my own watch name, but at the moment, I can do

wrong. Everything in the garden is a lovely sort of thing, eh?

How's the guard squad getting on?

Well, those highly trained artisans.

Working with a cream iron, aren't they?

Mind you, that Marion, he's a grafter.

As long as you point him in the right direction.

If they ever build a channel tunnel, he's going to get to Paris first, that

Marion, I tell you. Marion?

Yeah, that's a bit off, Arthur.

Using a woman to dig your lake for you.

Oh, listen, you've got to do something about that motor and all.

She'd give me earache all day long. I've had a little thought about that.

Listen, you take the Cortina off the lot tomorrow and bring us back in for

extensive check -ups. We may be able to make the switch permanent.

It's hardly a fair swap, is it? Of course it is. Anyway, don't worry about

now. You worry about that when you get back from the quarry.

What quarry?

I've found you a diffused quarry.

For? No, rocks.

Rockery. Oh, God, I have to think of everything.

Rocks?

You mean I've got to go and find green rocks now, have I?

Keep calm. Sit down.

Give him another lager, Dave.

Look, all I want you to do is supervise the Bible bashers.

It's a piece of cake.

Rock cake.

The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the fellowship of the

Holy Spirit be with us all evermore.

Amen.

when we're... Another cracker from the rev, eh?

Good night. Good night.

Ah, Marion, good night.

Maccabees. Yes, all right, all right.

Good night, Vincent.

Good night, you two. Sleep well.

Ah, Mrs. Bickerton, Mr.

Howland. We'll be seeing you at our special inner -city harvest festival

service, I hope.

Godfrey. Oh, I'll look up, Brian.

Get things in shape for the weekend, you know, tidy up, what's -her -name, blah,

blah, blah. Oh, that's very thoughtful of you, Godfrey. Thank you. All right,

Governor, thank you. Have a lovely weekend.

Good night. Nice to see you. Good night. That dreadful Burton is up to

something, I'm sure of it.

Do you think we ought to, uh... keep an eye on things. I most certainly do.

An inner city harvest festival. I've never heard of such a thing.

I say, look at that.

This is wonderful. The bishop will have to listen to us now.

I think we ought to go and confront them.

Oh, no, no.

Most unwise. Perhaps we should have a word with the vicar.

Certainly not. This is just the opportunity we need.

Perhaps now we'll get a vicar who will keep people in their place.

We'll go straight to the police.

Yes.

Oh, a nice one, Vincent.

I'm not supposed to lift heavy weights.

There's something wrong with me back.

Yeah, but don't strain yourself on account of me.

Well done, Marion, my son.

Is this all right?

Well, it's a rock, isn't it? Yeah, chuck it in. Go on.

Hey, Marion. Hey, now, come on. Really, Marion. That's really what's -his -name.

Oh, look at that.

Oi, where are you going?

Oh, no.

Hey, Marion, go and fetch him.

Yeah, that's probably paper.

He's the biggest caper in his day.

Can't break the habit.

You really shouldn't bother, Mrs. Foskett.

Any developments, officer?

Not as yet, no.

You will let me know if there's going to be any violence, won't you?

Yeah, God.

When are we gonna check all this in?

Another day, son.

We'll be well water -named.

Well set up.

Oh, Fiona says number 32's away for a week from tomorrow.

Boom. This is it, innit?

We'll fit that one in, too.

excuse me can i use your phone please oh yes of course morning

morning how's my rockery

going uh police please hey uh yes um i want to report a suspicious character in

the garden of number 39 morley crescent listen look here's the keys to

mrs earth's car using all your driving expertise, get it back to the lot, and

then bring the Cortina back here, all right?

What do you call it?

What? Call what?

They call it rocks.

No, well, we had a slight problem, you see.

Paper and glue got into some kind of time warp, you see. They thought they

back on Dartmoor breaking rocks, didn't they? Tried to leg it.

Then most of the rocks fell through a hole in the van.

I mean, these are pebbles. It's supposed to be a rockery.

Yeah, well, they're going to have to put up with a pebblery, aren't they?

No, no, no.

Don't worry about it, Arthur. This is just the water name. You know, the

foundations.

Don't worry. I know where we can get some top -notch rocks. You know, free of

charge, blah, blah, blah.

You better, or I'll start docking wages.

What wages? Yeah.

That's a good question, as it happens. Yeah.

Right on.

Honest labour. That is the watchword.

I'm sure the Reverend would agree with me.

Now, look, I'll take over supervising here. You go and get them motors sorted.

All right.

Keep your eye out for Merlin, won't you? Who?

The Welsh wizard.

You comfortable, Jones?

Aye, yes.

Yes, thank you. Is there any danger of you knowing what's going on over there?

Well, you've got a client come up here, see?

You put your right foot here. Yes, all right.

Oh,

here's the door.

I think you'll be after those two at the bottom of the garden.

The garden.

We'll be pleased to hear, Jones. You can knock this on the head, because I've

had a very strong lead.

Here, are they with you?

All right, thank you for having me.

It's just you. Wait a minute. Don't you give me any of that, chummy.

I'm a police officer.

Yeah, and I'm Margaret Thatcher.

I call to thee, our Lord, to thee.

Before thy throne of love I fall.

Be merciful.

To me.

It's a pleasure to see a bit of hard graft in this day and age.

Let your light shine among men.

They may see thy good works.

That's what I've heard too, Marianne.

Neither cast ye your pearls before swine.

Arthur?

We have a visitor.

Ah, Reverend.

Sorry to barge in on you like this, Arthur.

Thought I'd like to see how the blokes were getting along.

I appreciate your interest, Brian.

All right, you lot.

Hard at it?

Well,

why

don't you both come in and have some tea?

I think that's an excellent idea, Mr Perster. I want to talk to you both

the Inner City Harvest Festival as it happens.

Inner City Harvest Festival? That's fascinating, Padre.

Thanks, Arthur.

Trust the good Samaritan to turn up now.

Yeah.

We're going to turn over 32, then?

Certainly. Give us half a chance.

Come on, let's go and talk to... Oh, what's this?

Here.

Doll face.

What?

Go in here, keep an eye on them. If they stir, give us a shout, all right?

There's a good thing.

You're doing number 32, then?

Yeah, right on.

When do I get some money?

Soon.

Oh, yeah, soon, yeah, very soon.

Come on, don't hang about, we ain't got all day.

How better, else I'll tell.

I can't tell you how gratifying it is to find people who still have some sense

of... communal responsibility there's so much of this i'm all right jack

business these days i always find a very similar thing to her indoors my good

lady wife indoors the other day still as long as there are people like mr daly

around there's still hope indeed ah here you've come to have tea with us

Bung that over to Marion.

Tell him we'll have some of them rocks.

What? Have it off with the rockery? Yeah.

Keep Harper Daly off her back for a couple of hours.

And one just has to face it. People no longer regard their church as a vital

part of the community.

I'm having terrible trouble with the heating of St Chad's.

And it's taken me several months to raise 500 pounds.

And that's nowhere near enough.

Oh, that's terrible.

You must let me make a contribution.

I've got my checkbook back here. Please, don't think that I was angry. Oh, no,

no. I admit.

And I'm sure you'll accept a little something from myself.

Mr Daly, that's frightfully good of you.

There we are.

You've put 1995.

What?

So I have.

That'll be your replacement transport.

Marianne, look lively, look lively.

Come on.

Go on, plug her finish on my top arm. Come on, come on, come on, move it.

Don't get the service then, Daly.

We'll be there, Vicar.

Bloody Bible bashers.

Their attitude to money makes me look like a communist.

Here we are, Mrs Hurst.

I'll leave you to it, Terry.

Yeah, I'd better check out on the gang in the garden.

Mrs Bickerton -Jones, Mr Hallett, afternoon.

I managed to get some keys from the church warden. I appreciate this very

indeed. We are relying on you.

Trust me.

Mr. Jones.

What's up, Captain?

Gonna take a little look around the church.

Church?

Are you going to turn over this house?

No.

No, no way.

I can't do it, see?

Goes right against the grain.

I'm sorry.

One of these days, you're gonna have to make your mind up, Jones.

Whether you're a Welshman or a policeman.

Oh, that was quick, wasn't it? Oh, God, we found somewhere nearby.

Very lucky, really.

Yeah. Where are the chaps?

What's that?

What's what?

That wire. What's that?

Don't know. Said they wanted some power.

Oh, yeah.

God, Benny.

The treasure

is

stored in the house of the Lord.

Marianne, you're a moron.

Godfrey, do you mean to tell me you stashed a cuttle of gear in a church?

Yeah, safe as houses, Joe. Safe as houses.

Safe as houses? You're off your nutters, honey.

Don't you know Chisholm's been sniffing about?

We'll be long gone, mate.

Look, this is a lovely earner.

We'll cut you in. You're amongst your own.

I'm not amongst my own.

Listen, I've managed to stay out of Nick for a good few years now, and I intend

to keep it that way.

But you lot, like a load of yo -yos, ain't you? I mean, one whiff of freedom

boss should pull a stunt like this.

I mean, any kid could stuff it, couldn't they? Now, if you think I'm going back

there swilling out and selling mailbags just for you, Godfrey, you've got

another fault coming.

So we're going to get all of this stuff out of here now.

What, take it all back?

Yes, and... Ah!

Don't kill him, Marion!

No. No, Marion wouldn't do that. He's a Christian, aren't you, son, eh? Turn the

other cheek.

Have an eye and eye and a tooth for a tooth and all that blah, blah, blah.

No.

I like him.

Right. How do you get in these places, then, eh?

The daughter.

She had the key. All the plants and feed the... The etc.

and all that. Yeah.

Well, she can help us take it all back, can't she? What?

You don't know my wife's name. Look at it.

Look at it.

Sergeant Chisholm.

Vicar.

I've, er... I've dropped my bicycle, then.

Oh. Ah.

Thank you.

What brings you here, Sergeant?

I thought we might have a chat.

About community relations.

That's splendid.

About time we put our heads together.

Come and have a cup of tea.

In the church?

Oh, this is it, isn't it?

Behave yourself. Shut up. Calm down.

Look, Godfrey's got duplicate keys, right?

We can hunt all the gear out again.

Yeah, we can whip it out the back way. If we go at it, we'll get rid of your

in ten minutes.

Breaks my what's -her -name. I'll break both your what's -her -names. Hang

about, Arthur, hang about.

That explains why Chisholm was parked up outside a church.

He's what? Yeah, he stopped me and asked if I'd seen you two. Oh, my God, we've

got to shift him.

Yeah. Hold on, hold on. What?

Ronnie, fancy earning yourself a tenner?

Yeah, I don't mind. What do you want?

He means a favour.

Nice chat with the vicar, was it? Shut it, Jones.

It's been an eventful sort of day, hasn't it?

Getting arrested and that?

Still very, very interesting to experience it from the other side, I

You'll experience my fist in your happy little face if you don't shut it.

Is that you, Mr Chisholm? No, it's Henry VIII. What the bloody hell do you want,

Ronnie? I've just been passed after Daly's lock -up. Thought you might like

know he's got a bunch of right -staff -looking geezers shifting stuff in so

quick, even Daly's, Ronnie. He striked me up recently, so I reckon he's got it

coming. Drink for you later, Ronnie.

Move it!

Look, you hang about here, we'll go round the back and unload, right? Now,

you see anybody trying to get in, do something to stop them. Like what?

Well, I don't know.

Pretend you have an heart attack or something.

Pretend I am having one.

All right, then, where is it?

You want me to do the organ loft, God?

Oddly, you've got out of this, have I, will you?

No, I was talking to Godfrey.

No, there's some silver in the organ loft. Oh, and a food mixer, I think.

and a couple of videos in a quiet store.

And, uh...

Oh,

my God.

Arthur, what a pleasant surprise.

I wonder, could I have a word?

Well, I was about to start work on the display for the inner city harvest

festival. Come along in. Well, no, no, no, no. It's a bit, you know, I don't

like to discuss financial matters in an alloyed place.

It's about your eating.

Financial matters?

Eating? No, it's perfectly fine. Come in.

That's it.

Sure? Yeah, positive, Phil.

Well, you get going in.

I'll go and let Arthur off the hook.

I'm getting a very funny feeling about this.

How's that, Gav?

When was that little tow rag Ronnie ever a grass?

That is something definitely iffy.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to go back to the church. You stay here just in case.

Okey -doke.

Well, come on, then, Al.

Anyway, it's obviously impossible to have a traditional harvest festival in a

parish like this, so I thought, why not give thanks for the real harvest in the

community? So I went to the local businesses and factories, explained my

and here you see the fruits of it all.

It should go down quite well, don't you think? Very enterprising. Quite a

selection.

I don't suppose Godfrey got any of this gear for you, did he? Oh, no, no, no. I

think that would have been playing with fire, don't you?

No, I did all this myself.

How does one display industrial rubber hosing?

Bit of a pose, that.

No, not really. All you've got to do is wrap it around the old freeze -dried

moussaka. Well, well, well.

No, you're supposed to say, hello, hello, hello.

Bang to right at last, Daly. Didn't expect to see you again so soon,

Remember where you are, Chisholm, and behave accordingly.

Shut it, Arthur.

Right, Charles.

Well, Mr. Redwood, I'm afraid the wood has been well pulled over your eyes.

Naturally, you are an innocent party, but I would appreciate it if you would

accompany me and these two gentlemen down to the station.

I shall also have to take these goods into custody, as they may be produced in

court, as evidence.

But what are they, haven't they?

Don't worry.

God's on our side.

New balls.

Oh, good God.

It was beautiful.

You should have seen the faces down in it when Chisholm comes in.

With a vicar in tow.

So it was all kosher, eh? Well, of course it was. It was all donated,

He had all the papers to prove it, didn't he, Arthur? No, Arthur, he

Cheer up, will you? Arthur, at least you're not in a nick.

No, but I've done the landscape gardening money, haven't I? That's a

farrago. Well, how's that, Arthur? I do not want to talk about it. I never put

anything back before.

Sweet as a nut it was.

I enjoyed it almost as much as nicking a stub in the first place.

Oh, that was only chisholm, eh?

Chisholm! Nicked anybody interesting recently? Any nuns or cardinals or

anything?

I suppose you're all feeling rather pleased with yourselves.

Yeah. I'm joking.

Well, I hate to be a party pooper, but I'm afraid I've got to make some

inquiries regarding a stolen rockery.

God, Fred. God, Fred.

Well, I'm sorry.

I mean, I just saw it over the garden fence and ba -boom, I mean, that was it,

wasn't it?

You've gone pale, Arthur.

Well, unfortunately, despite my very strong objections, Mrs Hurst has

her neighbour not to bring charges, assuming the rockery is replaced.

Any hint of glee from anybody will result in instant arrest for anything I

think of.

The gang's all here?

No hard feelings, eh, Sergeant?

Hey, Brian, want a bevy? I'll have a pint of wallet, please, Godfrey. A pint

what? Well, it's been a lucky week for some chads.

Mr Chisholm is giving some community relations talks in the crypt.

And Arthur here is making up the fund we need to repair the heating.

What an amazing gesture. That's fantastic. Well done, son.

That's very noble of you.

It was nothing.

Maybe they'll name a radiator after you.

That's a real awesome name, that is.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Boom, boom.

I'll change the situation.

Right people, right time, just the wrong location.

I've got a good idea.

Just you keep me near. I'll be so good for you. I could be so good for you.