All language subtitles for minder_s05e03_a_number_of_old_wives_tales

Thank you.

Thank you.

All right, Toad?

Yeah, you all right? Yeah.

Jeez. Where you been?

Oh, I've been all over the place.

Went to Spain once.

That's very good.

Don't take up for living there, will
you?

What's that?

Cracking gags. Is this my gear?

Yeah, that's it.

Arthur reckons it's all top quality smut
of this.

I've got your tea in here and all.
Right.

That's all. Is that it?

He also asked me to mention the old COD.

What's the matter? Don't he shock me?
Nah, you know what he's like, confident.

He lacks confidence.

You want me to lend you the wedge to buy
a pickup so you can go hoisting motors?

Do I look like a dummy?

Would I ask someone who holds a
conversation upside down to lend me a

a half for a pickup if I thought he was
a dummy, Arthur?

Well, what's wrong with a pickup you've
got? It don't pick up no more.

I've got to stop this. I'm getting a
rush of blood in my head.

No, no, no.

That's the rush of generosity.

Clive.

Mavis.

Mavis, Terry, Terry Mavis. Hello.

Mavis, long -time partner of mine. Looks
like a shot for me, don't you, darling?

Yes, love.

That's not all.

Listen, what do you want me to do with
that tea, then?

Well, if Arthur could deliver... Where
were you last night?

Oh, well, I had to go up to Northampton.

Didn't I tell you?

No, you didn't.

Terry, could you... Yeah, I'll shoot
outside.

Nice to meet you.

Cheers.

Iron gelides, Art, without doing a
trick.

I mean, at your age, you have to watch
his blood pressure.

Loons like you to give me blood
pressure.

I mean, it don't take no working out,
does it, Art? I mean, 12 quid a tonne.

I mean, there's plenty of perks in it
for you. I mean, wheels, batteries, any

other bits and pieces that come across.

I mean, Art, but one motor can count a
40, 50, 60 quid a lump.

Well, I don't know. It sounds too
simple.

Simpler the better. I mean, who needs
complications?

Well, I'll think about it.

Well, I've got to pick up the collector
on Saturday.

No, Saturday's out. I'm going to a
wedding.

Oh.

I'm sorry to hear that, Arthur.

I'll be someone I'll know.

Best man, me?

Yeah, well, Arthur's agreed to get the
bride away. He said you wouldn't mind.

Well, didn't he mention it to you?

No. Oh, he didn't. Well,

you don't mind, do you?

I mean, you've got a best mate or
something.

I don't know you all that well, do I?

Terry.

I know a proper person when I meet one.

And I consider it a right favour if you
do me the honour.

Well, I suppose your father's doing it.

Yeah, why not? Yeah, yeah.

Thanks, Tal.

I'll show you, will you?

So who's the lucky lady, then?

Mavis? No, no.

No.

Well... Huh?

Anne.

Lovely lady.

Yeah, you'd like her, Terry.

The wonderful thing, love, you know,
Terry.

When you get that feeling.

Those lies.

Physical and mental rappel.

Two people at once.

Best feeling in the world.

Yep. Told you, full of confidence.

I had a thing with a finger once.

One of the things we used to get up to
in close harmony.

Mind you, in the end, she ran off with
this geezer with a horn.

This particular one I've got in mind is
definitely going as soon as possible.

As a matter of fact, the governor
intends to replace the whole fleet

end of the month. What's so special
about this one?

Lot of mileage.

Well, that can be cured.

It's starting to cost a lot in
maintenance.

I'll tell you what I do, Roland.

You dirty it up a bit. A few scratches
on the paintwork, you know.

And I'll make your governor an offer
that he'll think is a gift for the time

persuaded him.

And what's my end?

Well, let's say 30... No, no, no.

50 salts.

Deal? Deal.

There you go.

That's all right, I've got it now.
What's the matter? I'm a cripple.

Suit yourself. You saved your strength
for Saturday.

Me? It's you who's getting married.

All right, all right.

Don't need to go shouting it about, is
there?

Angie and I want it to be a very private
affair. You start broadcasting to

people. They'll all want to come, won't
they?

Made your mind up yet, Arthur?

What's this, the punters?

No, a pal of mine in the trade wants me
to wind back the mileage for him.

You know the penalties for that, don't
you?

Yeah.

So do you, don't you, Arthur?

No, as it happens, it's the same thing
as you've got the pick -up.

I have done a deal with him. He wants me
to enhance the value of a few of his

motors, and he'll give us the pick -up
for our monkey.

Which, of course, Arthur, as you know,
is like giving it away.

If I put back a few more, you can
probably get it down to 300.

Hold on, half -heart!

Half -heart!

Half -heart!

Quick!

You all right?

Yeah, great.

How many business issues you got?

Oh, this and that, you know.

All run by birds.

Yeah, well, you stick a geezer in the
front for you, chances are he'll turn

over. Ladies, by and large, keep their
fingers out of the tub.

Especially if you keep them sweet, eh?

Keep them sweet? Not with you, tell me.

You're unbelievable, you.

I mean, do you give all your employees
the kiss and the cud?

Oh, that?

Well, that's, er... It's just my way,
isn't it? You know, er... You're getting

married, Daddy.

A monkey, right?

And by it in my name.

So if it all goes bother, I don't knock
it out and get my dough back. You won't

regret it, Arthur.

You've got a fortnight in which to
convince me. If I don't get a good

my investment, the deal is off.

And I'll have Terry along with me to
make sure you don't strike me. Talk of

devil. Roger.

Hang on a minute, Tom.

Arthur, about Saturday.

Do you reckon it'd be possible to get a
roller?

It'd be lovely for Angie to turn up in
style, do you know what I mean?

Yeah, before we get into all that, could
we settle a little bit of outstanding

business?

Readies for goods rendered, please.

I'm not holding, Arthur.

I mean, it could be a check now or cash
tomorrow.

Oh, by the way, Terry's agreed to be
best man.

I knew he would.

Make mine a large one, will you, Dave?

I'll tell you what, I'll have one of
them and all.

Make them all large ones, Dave.

I'm holding. Hey, what's your game?

Angie?

I know you're in there.

Open up, I want to talk with you.

Angie!

You want a roller? I'll get you a
roller.

I'll even be your chauffeur, if you
like.

I mean, you're going to need a driver,
aren't you? What, with Arthur giving the

bride away and Terry being best man?

Yeah. Well, can you really get one? I'm
confident.

Confident.

Now, I've got a pal of mine in the
trades, got one on his front. Owes me a

favour. Of course, if I'm going to be
your chauffeur, I shall want to be

to the party. Naturally, naturally.

Yeah, well, you're more than welcome.
That's the point.

Where are you holding the reception?

Well, I thought I might have it here, if
it's all right with you, Dave.

Yeah, it should be all right, but how
many people are you talking about?

Oh, just a few close friends and
immediate family, you know.

So, why's that come to you?

Well, there's us five and the wife.

Oh, so we won't need to trust Alice
Fortney to do the catering.

Will I do?

Of course, my dear. You look lovely.

Are you sure? Yes.

It'll be a pleasure to give you away.

I do hope Clive thinks so.

Of course he will.

If Arnie doesn't deal with that roller
soon, we're going to be late.

What? Wait!

Me, Terry.

There we go. You alright? Yeah.

One carnation. Oh, that's nice, isn't
it?

How long have you lived here? No, I
don't live here now. I'm just looking

it for a friend.

Come, we'd better leg it.

Hey, I've got to call in the jewellers
on the way there.

What for?

I've got to get a ring, haven't I?

That's a bit bleeding late, isn't it?

I'll give him another five minutes, and
then if he's not here, I think I ought

to call a cab.

Yes, perhaps you ought to.

Confident Clive, that is, tells me
you're going to move into a nice little

Yes. He doesn't have a shop underneath,
but he's taken a lease out of it. Yeah,

he said. As a matter of fact, I'm
supplying him with some gear for the

Oh.

How long have you lived here?

Just over a year.

Oh.

I was married once before.

Oh. Yes, we had a house.

Oh, really?

In Wilton.

Very nice.

Yes, but it all went.

Went? My ex -husband gambled and drank
it away.

Oscar Wilde called it a triumph of hope
over experience.

What? Getting married more than once.

Hello. What do you think about that, you
know?

What do I think? I think I shouldn't
have left my car around at the

for a start.

Oh, no, it don't look all that, but, I
mean, it's mechanically sound.

Where's the roller you promised?

I had a bit of trouble. I don't want to
hear it. I do not want to hear it.

I don't know what you're having a pot of
meat for, Arthur.

I mean, it was me. I put myself out for
that. Took me all night to clean that

cab out. Grease on the seats, and then
ribbon -stained me in a fiver. I'm sorry

about this, my dear, but what you see
here is a man with a mind of a guppy.

Where the bleeding hell are they? Don't
worry, she'll be here in a minute.

It's supposed to start in five minutes,
isn't it?

It's a bright prerogative to be late,
isn't it?

Oh, my God, look at that!

Angie?

Are you all right, love?

What do you mean she's getting married?

Well, that's what she told me the other
day.

Such a nice young lady.

I'd have liked to get to know her
better, but I don't suppose she... She's

getting married today?

Oh, yes.

She told you where? What time?

Yes, Chiswick Registry Office, she said.

Hello, Peter.

How's it coming along?

Slow but sure.

It's starting to look nice.

Thank you.

Clive was here earlier.

Was he?

All dressed up like he was off to a
wedding.

A wedding?

Well, he's wearing a carnation, so was
the chap that arrived to pick him up.

Can't think of any other function which
calls for that.

Did he say anything to you? Not a
syllable.

But I did hear the other bloke call
himself Terry.

Terry?

Congratulations, my dear.

Oh,

my God.

It's my ex -husband. You bastard. You
stole my woman.

What are you doing? Come on.

You're all right now. Come on. On your
bikes. Get them off.

Terry! What now?

Nice.

Morning, love.

What are you doing?

Oh, I've got to go out, haven't I?

Out? Out where?

Oh, business, love.

Yeah, I've got a lot of business to get
through today.

I've got to go up to Northampton,
haven't I?

Northampton?

Yeah, I told you about my business
interest up there, didn't I?

Yeah, you did, but... You know, it can't
be helped, love.

I've got to get a living, haven't I?

I'm not going to keep you in any sort of
style.

But this is the first morning of our
marriage.

I know, darling.

I know.

But I promise it won't take more than a
few days. A few days?

Yeah.

Edge.

Hey.

What about you last night, then, eh?

Who was the naughty one there?

Who was it?

Listen, I promise as soon as I get back,
we go out somewhere nice to dinner

or something, eh?

Oh, no.

Oh, look, Angie.

You've got lots to keep you busy,
haven't you? What we've thought in the

and everything, eh?

And there's some stock arriving for the
shop.

Yeah? Yeah, I've got Arthur sorting it
for me.

I expect he'll get Terry to bring it
over.

Hey, you watch out, Terry.

And don't you worry about that lunatic
ex -old man of yours.

He'll be in hospital for weeks with that
broken foot.

There's no way he can find out where
we're living, is there?

This would do.

How do you know it don't belong to
someone?

Terry, use your minces.

Flat tyre, no text, and full of crap.

Yeah, well, what about the sticker?

What sticker?

You said on every local council there's
one little geezer whose sole job it is

is to slip around looking for cars that
look like they've been dumped, right?

Then he puts a sticker on the windscreen
that says if you don't move the people,

it'll be towed away.

You said they're the ones to look out
for, so where's the sticker on this?

Terry, there's only one geezer.

So? Well, you any idea how many streets
are on any one manor?

I mean, it's obvious, isn't it?

You haven't had a chance to spot this
one yet. Now get it hooked up.

Hold up, hold up, hold up.

What about all this knocking on doors
and that?

All right, all right. If it's going to
make you feel happier. But once I've

proved my point, I ain't going to waste
time knocking on doors all day, all

right?

I'll let you know as soon as he wants to
get rid of a few more cars. Lovely.

I'll drop it round Thursday, OK?

Yeah, if I'm not here, don't leave it on
the front, will you? I've stated it in,

it'd be bad for the image.

Yeah, I can see.

I tell you what, look, pop it down the
road here and stuff the keys up the

exhaust. I'll sort it out later when I
can get my man to pick it up and tidy it

up. Right, see you then. Yeah, talk.

Father!

What can I say?

Well, how about here's the money I owe
you and a tour on top for the whistle

that got ruined in yesterday's frug
house?

Be glad to see you.

It's been sitting out there for weeks.

Disgusting, I call it.

See?

Arthur, don't keep going on about it.
Try and look on the positive side.

We had a good drink up afterwards,
didn't we? I don't know. I was drunk

shock. Terrific.

Now, what about those items from my new
shop?

Good bet, ain't it?

What? Bet.

Oh, yeah, it's wonderful.

Well, it's better than being outpressed
for a few quid, though, ain't it?

That is a cheque.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I can see that's a
cheque.

Well, it's the one I gave Angie to give
you.

All right, then.

How many times do I have to tell you I
do not like... Except checks, especially

ones that have a rubber quality about
them.

And where have you been for the last
couple of days?

Oh, here and there, ducking and diving,
you know.

You seen the local rag?

No, no, I don't read newspapers. It's
always bad news, isn't it? You can say

that again. Dave, show it to him.

Yes, sir, it's a very good light.

Dear, oh, dear.

Dear, oh, dear. Have you any idea of the
stick I'm about to take from people who

know me? Not to mention the aggravation
from her indoors.

Neighbours blanking her and God knows
what.

And the laugh we all had down at the
station, Arthur.

Ah, Mr Chisholm.

Yes,

I suppose he has got a sort of black
humour about it.

Do I offer you and your colleague a
drink?

I don't think so, Arthur.

If I accept, you might misconstrue it as
an overture of friendship.

That would only spoil your relationship,
wouldn't it go?

That is what I like. An officer of the
law with a sense of humour.

Ho, ho, ho.

Any particular reason you're honouring
my club with your presence, Mr Chisholm?

Just making the rounds of low -life
establishments, observing who is

with whom.

And possibly why?

A pint of bitter for Mr Jones and a
bottle of light ale down the other end

the bar, if you wouldn't mind, please.

Get your service.

Arnie, there's a gentleman here who
wants a word with you.

What?

Who?

What's your game, then?

Sorry, mate.

I said, what's your bloody game?

Well, as you can see, this vehicle's
been designated by the council to be

removed. Oh, yeah?

And who's authority?

It's your motor, sir.

Yes, it bloody is.

See, I told you, didn't I? I told you
this motor was too good to be tagged

Well, it'll be tagged as hell, mate. I
mean, what can I say?

I'm just a contractor trying to get a
living.

How many of you was left up for me?

You were saying?

Arnie. There's a stall in Church Street
Market.

Tell Terry to ask for Laura.

Laura, right.

Yeah, she runs a stall for me.

Yeah, lovely little girl she is. Big
eyes. Clive Cosgrove, you bastard!

What? Mary, darling! Don't, darling, me!

Mary, don't!

Don't take Mary!

I'll kill you if I go!

Mary, I haven't explained it all!

Chloe, I'll run for you! Help!

Face to face. Calm down. Calm down.

I'll kill you.

I'll kill you. We're police officers.

Police officers. That's correct.

Then that's the swine you want to
arrest. Listen, stop it. I'm going to

restrain you with handcuffs.

Let's sit for down. All right, yes.

Now, madam, pull yourself together and
let us know what all this is about.

On my accountant's eyesight, Mr
Chisholm, I know nothing about this

Nothing.

Oi! Oi!

Well, that's just about top of the line.

Oi, do you all make a favour?

Suddenly, I'm dragged into the nick to
make a statement because I've a chance

being well figured out.

But being an accessory, the bigger me.

Don't stop going on.

Chisholm's just putting the frighteners
on in the hope that we will divulge

where it can claim confidence.

Yeah, well, I'd be bleeding like to
claim him.

I don't need all this ag.

Yeah, Arthur. Why don't you tell
Chisholm where he could be found?

Because for one thing, Arnold, I am not
a grass.

And for another, I'm doing a lot of
business with a man.

If he's roasting in the nick, how am I
going to cop the dough he owes me? Very

compassionate man, Arthur.

I do not understand this attitude. I
mean, a man is a friend. We went to his

wedding. His what?

Look, how do we know there is any truth
in the allegations of that poor demented

woman? I mean, how do we know she's not
suffering from some sort of paranoid

schizophrenia? I mean, let's have it
right.

The man's got to be a lunatic to get
webbed up in a marriage a second time

he's already done it once, hasn't he?
Well, it has been known, Arthur.

No, I'm sure there's a perfectly logical
explanation for everything.

No, that's right. Yeah.

He's a bigamy.

I couldn't believe it when I saw it. I
mean, it is him, isn't it?

Yes, it's him, all right.

I'm sorry, Laura, perhaps I shouldn't...
No, don't apologise, Peter. If you

hadn't shown it to me, someone else
almost certainly would have.

I mean, how can he possibly think he can
get away with it?

I've no idea.

No -one could accuse Clive of not being
an optimist. You must be feeling

dreadful. Is there anything I can do?

No, thanks, Peter, but I'll handle it.

You've got to go away again.

It's a bit of a business crisis,
darling. It can't be helped.

Don't worry about it. There's nothing I
can't do.

But I haven't seen you for days. It's
not Angie.

We've got a whole lifetime ahead of us
to be together, haven't we?

Well, yes. Well, you'll trust me.

I told you, he phoned me and explained
it all.

He's been living case with a bird for a
short while. She's what they call a

common -law wife.

I knew there'd be a logical explanation
for it.

Army's busy today, isn't he?

Yeah, so?

Well, you'll be able to make some
deliveries for me, won't you?

Delivering what?

Well, stuff for Confident.

I mean, them dresses for his store, and
them fibre tips and ballpoint pens for

his new top.

Is that the one he's got with Angie?
Yeah, he's going to start knocking out

stationery and all that gear.

Oh, no.

We'll go in there.

Why not?

Well, after yesterday's turnout.

I mean, she'll be in a right two and
eight, won't she?

No, she won't. She don't know.

Do you mean he hasn't told her? No.

Oh, my God.

And neither the flat nor the shop's on
the manor, so there's no chance of her

seeing a picture in a local rag.

And don't you go mentioning anything.

This is their problem. Let them work it
out.

All that microwave oven's got to go to
the cafe.

You can forget the cafe?

Why?

After the way that bird worked out in
the Winchester, I was the best man,

remember? She'd probably attack me.

Last thing I want is to stand up with a
tart.

You may have a point there.

Clive can pick it up himself.

Yeah.

He say where he was?

Does he ever.

But you're worried about the man. Surely
he mustn't find something to you.

He doesn't hardly say anything to me. I
don't see him that often.

Well, I've only seen him for a few
minutes since the morning of our

Yeah, I know.

Listen, I'm sorry, I've got to shoot.

Look, is there anywhere I can phone him?

I'll tell you what I'll do. The next
time I see him, I'll tell him definitely

phone you, OK?

I'm sorry, it's the best I can do.

I'll see you.

Now, I still love that you're mum.
Doesn't freeze, don't worry about this.

You pay double in all for a drink.
Thanks, love.

Oi, Bill.

Do us a favour. Keep an eye on the
stall. I just want a quick word with my

brothers.

I can see. I can see. Must be a taker.
He can see.

I can see. I've got me fives, all right.

Maddie, you're singing.

How can you see? That's what we try to
do.

You're right.

No, not really, Ernie.

So, what's the problem?

Clive's the problem.

Miss Chisholm, how are you today?

As you ask.

Overworked, underpaid, cold, suffering
from a great deal of irritation.

Oh, not a bad rash, I hope.

No, no, no, nothing personal. Just a
soup sort of like banter to brighten the

day.

Nothing personal.

Can I help you?

We might try moving to Atamangolia.

Before you go...

I suggest you tell me where I can locate
your bigamous buddy, Clive Cosgrove.

Now, you asked me that when I
volunteered to make a statement on my

will. And I did not know then, and I do
not know now.

I don't believe you.

I never believe you.

That is your prerogative, Mr Chisholm.
That is your prerogative.

But I can tell you that he phoned and
explained everything to me. That poor

deranged lady who attacked him was his
common -law wife, not his legal spouse.

Wrong.

Wrong? We've checked.

Seen the marriage certificate.

He married her all right. And they've
not been divorced.

No, no, that can't be right. Not only
that. This morning, I got an unexpected

phone call from a lady in Northampton.

Another one?

Mrs Cosgrove.

Oh, my good God.

Yeah, that's cut quite small anyway, and
you've got to rag them. And it's very

good material, whatever you do with it.
I mean, you never ever get a free

ticket. Laura?

That's right. Yeah, who are you?

Terry McCann.

I've got some gear for you. From Clive.

Oh, right.

Where? Well, it's in the car. I couldn't
get any nearer.

Ah. Can you manage to get it round?

Yeah, of course I can. Yeah, now.

Terry, you say? Yeah, Terry McCann.

Right, Terry. Yes, if you would then.
All right. I'll be back in a minute.

Go on, look after this lady for me.

Oh.

Three. You did say three. Yeah.

And he's got kids by two of them.

You're joking.

That's unbelievable.

I mean, I know he's a bit eccentric, but
perhaps it is religion. You know, maybe

he's a poly... poly... what's it? A
polygamist. Yeah, yeah, one of the Salt

City mob.

Yeah, I think that's a more... Oh.

Oh, shit.

Same again, Bert. Please.

Oh, get out, would you, Arthur?

Windsor the Club, can I help you?

Oh.

Uh, yeah, yeah, yes, dear.

It's me.

Your nearest and dearest.

Yes, yes, I was just about to phone you.

Is what?

I didn't, dear.

I didn't.

Oh.

There you go.

Lovely.

Clive all right, then, is he?

As far as I know. Don't see him that
much.

Oh, I thought you must work for him.

No, I sort of work for another geezer
who Clive gets a lot of his gear from.

Oh, that'd be Arthur Daly, would it?

That's right. Do you know him?

No, no, but Clive's mentioned him. I
understand they're old friends.

Well, they're more like drinking and
business partners, you know.

Where do they usually drink, then?

Well, I think the Fountain of Youth,
that's for certain.

Right, that should do it.

Clive paid you, has he? No, it's all
right. He still set out with Arthur. Oh,

right. Well, thanks for bringing him
down. That's all right. See you around.

Bye.

If you'd just give me a chance to
explain, Arthur. What is there to

You belong in a rubber room.

Going to my home like that.

I was well out of order, confident. I
had to go somewhere, didn't I? Now that

old Bill's on my daily.

Yeah, they'd been on daily's daily,
wouldn't they, if they'd found you

Have you no thought for my security?
Arthur, under the circumstances, I could

hardly go to one of my gaffes, could I?

My wives don't understand me.

Well, don't you think so?

Do you mean... He's yours and... Clive,
yes.

Well, don't you think he takes after his
dad?

Yeah, yeah, I suppose he does, really,
yeah. He was born a year to the day

Clive and me were married.

Married? Do you mean you and Clive are
married?

Of course we're married.

Didn't Clive tell you?

No, he didn't, no. He, er... Well, we
don't talk about things like that,

very much.

You don't think he's a bastard, do you?

No, no, I don't think he is at all.

I just need somewhere for a couple of
days, Arthur.

Well, Angie don't know the SP. Why can't
you go there? That was the address we

stuck down at the registry office. Oh,
God,

I don't know how you've reigned so long.
Don't you worry. I'll figure something

out. Please don't. If you knew the GBH
of the arrow I had to take from her

indoors. Ah, what a very pleasant woman.

Which one?

Well, you're a good lady.

You're a very lucky man, Arthur.

You need locking up.

Yeah, that's what you need.

Come on.

I'm very sorry to have to be the one to
tell you, Mrs Cosgrove.

Miss... Harrison.

Miss Harrison.

If it's any consolation, you're not the
only lady that he has deceived in this

way. He's also in the habit of landing
them in the club.

So I hope you're not up for the duff
like.

Oh, very tactful, very tactful, you
Welsh cretin.

What's this, then?

A bastion of male privacy.

Well, till tomorrow, that is.

Well, how do you mean?

Well, men only day, innit?

We keep you tucked up here till we sort
out your accommodation problem.

What, no birds at all? Certainly not.

You can be safely protected and cosseted
here against the cerebral and physical

damage caused by the female of the
species.

And another thing in its favour, it
protects them against you.

Now, that's not fair, Arthur.

I love all my wife.

Well, in that case, when you're up the
steps at the Bailey, a plea of insanity

will go down well with the prosecution,
I should think. Come on.

Sir.

Hiya, Charles.

Was Arthur been in? Well, earlier, but
he had a call from there indoors, didn't

he? Seems confident he's trying to take
up Squatter's rights at his place.

Arthur shot out of here at 110 miles an
hour.

Oh, terrific.

Well, it's nothing bothering you, is it?

I've just met the fourth Mrs Cosgrove
and confident junior.

Six -year -old. Serious. I'm not even
serious.

Give us a drink, will you?

Yeah, of course.

Oh, can I help you, gentlemen?

Yeah, are we all right for a drink,
Mitch? No, I pray not. This is a members

-only club.

Well, can't someone sign us in as
guests? I mean, punters are punters,

Didn't I see you down the market?

Yeah, that's right.

That's all right, Dave. I'll sign them
in. Oh, that's great.

Somebody's nicked the bleeding book now,
hasn't he? Never mind, it's a stupid

bit of legislation.

I'm not sure I like this, Arthur. I'm
used to the comfort of my homes.

Will you try looking on the bright side
for a change? Look,

try and see it as a sanctuary away from
the temptations of the female form.

Think of it as a place where you can
contemplate your navel.

And everybody else's.

But I can't stay here forever, can I?
You know what? They've got rooms for the

night, and you cannot deny it's clean.

Sharing the bathwater.

Can't be healthy.

It's a lot healthier than getting your
collar felt and getting in a shovel with

Chisholm giving you endless grief.

Come on, get your things off.

Agnes.

Nothing at the registry office is at
Fulham, Chelsea, Notting Hill, but

Hammersmith has won Clive Costrow's
wedding to a Mavis Ann Fisher on the

June, 1977.

Date of birth, eh?

Oh, aye, and Shepard Bush, a Laura
Margaret Doolan, 16th November last

How many is that, then?

Five, sir.

You think he just does it for the
wedding presents?

You're no confident, Clive, do you? Oh,
yeah, yeah.

Matter of fact, it was him who
recommended this drinker to us.

When was it we last had a drink with
Clive?

I don't know.

About a week ago, wasn't it?

Yeah, about that, about that, yeah.

I see in the paper that he got married
the other day, eh? Right turnout by all

accounts. Did you see it?

See it? I was there, wasn't I?

Nah, really?

Had he right.

He does love a bird, doesn't he?

Yeah, he could say that, yeah.

It's funny, that, though, cos...

I thought he was married to this bird
down the market, didn't I? What's her

name? Um, uh, Nora. Uh, Laura.

Laura, that's it, that's it. Yeah, got
houseboat on the canal.

I'd like to have another drink with him
now.

Makes me laugh.

Yeah. Getting here often, does he?

Yeah, has been lately. Oh, hold on. I'll
see you in a minute.

Have I got some news for you? You're not
the only one.

Another one? Shut up.

Very pleasant to relax here, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, I suppose it is.

You're new here, aren't you?

Yeah, well, I'm more your private
bathroom type, you know. Oh, I see.

Well, we'll have to get you out of the
closet, won't we?

We're always looking for new members
here.

Well, you won't find any there, mate.

A bird in the wool shop.

Mavis. And her little boy. Oh, God.

Chisholm reckons there's another one up
in Northampton. Do what?

Yeah. Terry, that man definitely needs
deep therapy.

Yeah, well, hold on to your trilby. See
the geezers down there?

You still smelling that? Yeah, not bad.

Well, they reckon their mates are close,
right? And they've got half an idea

that he's webbed up to the bird who I
delivered dresses to down the market.

God, no. I need another drink. Dave,
double -double.

No, you're going to have to unload him.

Before this all gets totally out of hand
and we all end up in stook.

Unload him? Terry, the man's supposed to
be a friend.

Oh, coming from you, that's lovely. And
who was it who once said to me, a friend

in need is a pest?

You. Now, get rid of him.

She's not like you at all, Terry.

Yeah, well, you didn't see Angie's face,
did you?

No, I mean, looking after her on his
feet, that's one thing, isn't it?

But he's been a right bastard to these
birds.

You're not suggesting we point Chisholm
in his direction, are you? No, no,

nothing like that. That's well out of
order.

I'd just forget any ideas of harbouring
him.

Do you think they're talking about
Clive?

I'd like to offer generous odds.

What do you reckon, then, eh?

Play it by ear.

So what are we going to do about him? I
don't know.

The man owes me, Terry. I wouldn't want
to lose contact with him. No, no.

What about those two?

What about them?

They say they're mates of Clive's and
they seem to like his company and all

that. What do you mean?

Get them to try and... Why not? It's
worth a try, isn't it?

Hey. How did you know where to find me?
You are Laura Margaret Cosgrove, nay,

Doolan. Is that correct?

You went through a form of marriage with
Clive Albert Cosgrove at Shepherd's

Bush Registry Office in November of last
year, did you not? Do you mind telling

me what this is all about, officer?

Concerns Clive Albert Cosgrove, madam,
the man you married.

We're going to have some rather
unpleasant news for you.

Been hurt in some sort of an accident,
has he?

Not that I heard, no.

Should he have been?

Listen, if you come to tell me that that
bastard got married again the other day

without informing me, let alone
bothering to divorce me first, I already

Oh, you didn't think to inform the
authorities of this some vigorous act?

I'd have got around to it. Well, in that
case, you won't mind coming down to the

station to make a statement about your
relationship, Mr Cosgrove.

You and the other wives can swap notes.

Wives?

Because of your particular intimate
knowledge of the man, you might be able

help us with our inquiries.

You must have certain insights into his
habits.

That is to say, places he might
frequent.

Public houses, licensed premises,
whatever.

Who his friends are, who he does
business with, acquaintances, that sort

thing.

Any information of this sort will help
us.

and build up a picture of his movements,
perhaps a pattern of behaviour... Who

the hell do you think you're looking at?
..that will facilitate our efforts...

Not sure I've seen one before.

How dare you? I appreciate how
embarrassing this must be for all of

fly a wife before you. Believe me, I
sympathise.

I'm his real wife. I was married to him
before any of you.

It's not difficult to see why I passed
you lot up for something better.

You think you're better, do you?

Ladies, please.

Call me a bitch, you fat... Cow?

Or me.

Well,

if you're sure that's all right.

Of course.

No problem.

Is it, Barry?

No, no, not at all.

See, as a matter of fact, I've got this
mate who's just started a lagging at the

scrubs, you know, and, yeah, he asked me
to find someone to look after his flat

for him while he's away like this, so I
suppose he could hold up there, eh?

Well, it'd be double handy.

Yeah, come on.

Where are we going then? We'll take you
to him. I've got a little bit of

business to finish with him first.

Harder!

Harder! Slade!

Perhaps he's in here.

There he is.

There he is.

Hello, Clive.

You dummy!

What are you doing bringing them here?

Eh?

Come on.

Let's get the bastard. Hold on, hold on.
What's going on?

One of the women of that slag con into
marrying him happens to be our sister's

son.

Well, you don't got to stand there. Get
after them. Stop them. He might deserve

it.

Terry. If he gets hurt, you'll never
forgive yourself, and I'll never get my

dough. And remember, your wages are
involved in it. Not the wages.

Terry!

Terry!

Terry, for God's sake, help me!

Terry, you can't stand by and see him
get battered.

This was all your idea, remember?

My pleasure.

Where are they? Right behind you. Come
on, let's get out before they find us.

wasn't my clothes. Nah, forget those.
We'll come back for you.

You've got no clothes on. Don't worry
about that. Get a move on before they

out we've gone. Yeah, move it louder.
Arthur, they're Laura's brothers.

lunatics. All right, all right.

You weren't thinking of shooting off
without us, were you?

No, no, no. Oh, no, as if I'd do a thing
like that.

I was getting the car warmed up for a
quick getaway.

Give yourself up.

What else is there for me to do now?

I mean, there's nowhere for me to go
with five wives, two hooligans and the

bill on me daily.

And then there's the kids.

I've got to sort something for them,
haven't I? You turn yourself in. It's a

on the card. You get porridge.

Yeah, well, there's more chance of that
if I wait to get captured, isn't there?

And that is true, that is true. There's
nothing a beat likes more than a bit of

contrition. No, I'll be all right.

Get myself a good brief and a cop for a
clear temporary insanity.

Stick in the mitigation.

Get the support, you know.

No, no, no.

I've got it coming out.

Don't worry.

It's only a drop in the off.

Well, we ain't going to give you any
argument, confident, are we, Terry?

No, that's probably the best thing in
the circumstances.

Get it all sorted out.

So, do you want us to drop you off round
there, then?

Where? The old bill shop.

What, like this?

No, I got a bit of clobber at the lock
-up.

As a matter of fact, I could do you a
very tasty whistle for 50 sobs. Look

good in court.

Conservative, you know what I mean?

Oh, well, that's very considerate of
you, Arthur. Very considerate.

No, it's all.

But before we, as you might say, deliver
you up, there's a little matter of the

readies that you are already into me
for.

Oh, yeah. All right.

Ah.

I've left all my money in my checkbook
in this stride back in the health club.

Well, Terry wanted to go back and fetch
it, and you can have it.

Now, remember to emphasise to Chisholm
Terry and me's innocent role in all

And be insistent, because the chances
are he won't want to listen.

I do not know why it is, but he has got
this unwarranted prejudice against Terry

for some strange reason. Hey, what's
you? Gives him the arms. No, no, no. In

go.

coming home.

Ah, Mr Chisholm. I'll tell you what,
just for once, let me do it.

Arthur can explain everything.

Me?

Shall I drive you home, then?

That's my car.

Follow Arnie's pick -up.

Eh? Follow Arnie's pick -up. Where to?

I'm really sorry about that, Arthur. If
only you'd come earlier.

We didn't know where you were, did we?
We went to the other yard first.

I'll tell you what. The 15 quid I got
for him, you can take the lot.

I mean, it wouldn't be right for me to
take my weight, would it? Couldn't be

fairer than that, could it? No, it seems
perfectly fair to me. Fair?

Fair? That motor stood me in 600 sobs.

600! And you're offering me a rotten 15.

Hang on the insurance, Arthur. Yeah, say
it was stolen.

Don't mention my name, of course. No,
don't mention his name, all right?

Terry.

Hit him.

Do what? Hit him!

Nah. Well, I will.

Oi, oi, oi! Come on!

be so good for you.