Original subtitles

Thank you.

It'd be so good for you.

Love you like you want me to.

It'd be so good for you.

Love you like you want me to.

Excuse me, sir.

I was wondering... I've got to get to the hospital. Are there any buses?

I'm not going that way. Anyone here? That's okay.

No, no, I'm sorry. I'm busy.

A soldier of a queen.

Get a bloody bus.

Thank you, sir.

Excuse me, sir. I've got to get to the hospital.

And the same to you, Graham.

Have you got a second, sir?

I've got to get to the hospital. I was wondering if you could...

Jump in, pal.

It's Terry.

Oh, thanks.

Are you serious about the hospital?

I'm working, for God's sake.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

So that's your game, is it? You catch a lift and then put the bite on them, eh?

Well, it's a living, Terry.

A living.

It's for the yarn. You've got, say, four minutes to make them feel guilty that

they've got an expensive motor and a man like myself hasn't even got a bus fare.

It's a knack.

It's a flair.

The hospital.

That always gets them.

Mind you, some of them like to hear that you've just come out of prison.

Strange, isn't it?

Five or ten are sometimes.

J .J. Mooney.

Ah, how are the mighty fallen?

I used to tell stories about you, you know.

People couldn't believe what you did.

I heard you were ill.

Yes.

That was a good one.

Would you put up the front bedding shop, Terry, please?

Would you put a bed on for me?

You know, in and out of cars.

Hard work.

On the nose.

Linda's friend, 4 o 'clock Newbury.

Here we go then. One ploughman's lunch. We haven't had a ploughman in here for a

week or two.

And here is a Campari soda. It's very agricultural.

It's my accountant.

Give him a bit of pickle.

Yeah, here we go.

You know, Arthur, that would be like 5p extra. Oh, forget it. Well, I've served

you now.

He'll tell you all about soaring over it.

On the account, Arthur.

Expenses, expenses.

Overheads, underheads, on top of everything else, they want taxes.

Yeah, well, you haven't paid tax for five years, Arthur.

What I fancied today was a nice Chinese meal.

This is a business meeting, Andrew.

Well, don't they eat businessmen?

Look, they are after you, Arthur.

Us? No, you.

They want their pound of flesh, eh? I think they'd be quite happy to have two

ounces of cheddar cheese.

Five years, Arthur.

And you have not paid a tosheroon.

Tosheroon? Where do you get these words, Andrew?

What is it with me? All my clients are the same.

Well, you're mixed with the wrong people.

And don't I know it?

They don't hold with the system, that's what it is.

It's getting worse.

They don't pay anyone.

Incidentally, there's your last year's bill.

You may have mislaid it, Arthur.

you wants to know about your expensive motor.

But I explained that to you.

I know.

I know.

But maybe you could explain it better to him. Sort of give him the verbal, man

to man.

But that is what I pay you for.

I'm sorry. Did I hear the word pay?

Money. That's funny, isn't it, Andrew?

I went out with Stanley Matthews in long shorts.

Eat up. The pickle was extra.

Is Arthur still game for a lark?

Well, you're kind of luck.

Well, I can't get around as much now. I need a partner.

You know, someone who's straight, honest, hard -working.

Lawyer. All those old -fashioned values.

We are talking about Arthur Daly, aren't we? Yes, indeed.

A good man, eh?

Well, yeah, he's good as gold, Arthur.

We're inside the final furlong now. Being strongly challenged by Linda's

He's done it!

Got a winner, JJ!

I don't care how many winners you get. Not you and me in business together. You

are famous.

Famous for pulling more strokes than Oxford and Cambridge put together.

You don't understand it, Arthur.

That's another thing. I don't. You do.

We put an ad in the Sporting Life.

We get a little office with a good poster address. We get three telephones.

Now, we don't ask for money.

We don't what?

No fees from the clients.

They phone us, we give them a horse. All we ask is this.

If you bet, put on ten pounds for us, and if it wins, please send a cheque or

postal order to this address.

That's our commission.

They've got to be balmy.

Don't you believe in trust, Arthur?

Oh. The commercial world is based on trust. Don't you realise that? That's

system. You pay your debts.

You work for a factory.

They give you your wages at the end of the week. Trust, see?

You win the pools, they give you money.

That's trust.

Rent.

That's trust.

Well, there are a few transgressors like ourselves. That's why they have laws.

Yeah, and we'll be breaking all of them. Not at all.

We are selling an advisory service. We are consultants.

It's quite legal.

I'll even put up all the money myself.

You will?

That's my shot.

You'll put up all the dough?

Yes.

What's the SP, Terry?

Six to one.

Good. In that case, I think we'll broach a bottle and more. What? My pleasure,

JJ, but it is 17 pound a bottle.

Why not?

Look, let me get this straight. You heard, Arthur, you heard.

Could you cash me a wee check?

Well, no disrespect.

No matter.

Here we are. Sign them all.

Three glasses?

And one for yourself, Dave. Well, are we in or out, Arthur?

Well, um... You'll be needing some walking around money, won't you? How

um...

300 on account.

I'm investing in your energy and acumen, Arthur.

As it happens, J .J., you're a very good judge.

Look at that. Parsley stands in the west.

Well, here's to a fruitful partnership.

Good luck.

Well, here's to a successful business venture, Arthur.

It's a privilege to work with a man.

Aren't we the lucky ones, eh?

Birthday.

Rebate from the rates.

Have your usual half a bitter, will you, Mr Chisholm? Yeah, just the line of

duty. I'll have a scotch.

Did I just see young Terry with a remarkable J .J. Mooney?

No idea.

Why, is it a crime?

You never know.

He's just turned over the London Clinic for 13 grand.

Eh? Open -heart surgery.

That's two and a half grand for the Grand Hotel in Brighton for his

convalescence. Got some style, hasn't he?

London Clinic, eh? Liz Taylor had her operation there.

No doubt.

Richard Burton, the Sheik of Araby and Uncle Tom Copley and all.

Well, you'll be able to get him in about ten years' time when they change his

batteries on his pacemaker.

They'll get him.

You never heard of Sprott of the Yard? No.

Sprott's life ambition was to nick JJ.

So he got nicked himself by her own Gestapo.

Somebody else will get JJ.

Is that the best you people can do? A sick man?

Bank robberies every day?

Bomb outrages with terrorists?

Rape right on the streets?

Oh, dear, Arthur.

Haven't been interfered with, have you?

Oh, very droll.

JJ was an hero during the war. Highly educated.

One of the best. One of nature's gentlemen.

Pure gold. That's enough, Arthur. Cool, dear. Do you owe him money or something?

Me? No, I hardly even know the man.

I always knew you were a top, but I had to get away with it, eh?

It's experience and a little bit of flair.

No, Terry.

You have to believe in it. It's like sanity.

Who do you want to be?

A lord of the realm, an international financier, a well -known theatrical

impresario? Then be that person.

It's a good personality.

A dozen personalities.

See you tomorrow, Terry.

Yeah, cheers.

J .J.!

Hiya, Georgie.

Hi.

Yeah,

alright, hang on.

Have you got anything for me today, mate? Yeah, four parcels. Nothing for

chief. Harry, Harry, take care of that. Can I have a minute with you? Sorry,

darling.

Hello, Arthur.

Great, great. I need an address.

Yeah, all right, pal.

The point is, I need it immediately.

Excuse me, mate.

Are you there?

The point is... What are you in, Ernie?

Oriental carpets. I'm getting a check. I'm buying a carpet from a fella, no

overage. You got anything for British Medallion? No, nothing.

The thing is, I need your address.

You know, B1984, Medallion.

Royal Strait, that was OK, but literally things like that.

I don't know, Ricky.

What do you want, Arthur?

Consultancy. Can't go wrong, mate. We've done consultancy.

Phyllis Immobella.

I don't know.

Oh, yeah, Mayfair course consultant. It's very nice.

You can walk from Mayfair to here.

Oi, you.

Oi. Oh, don't touch. All right?

Hang a Bombay.

Sorry? Yeah, I'm sorry, too. Nothing.

Now, look, it's 50 lids for a week, along and for free. Yeah, well, look,

is a long -established firm. It could go on for a long time. All right, fair

enough. Hello, look, I've only got a letter for you from customs and excise.

Yeah, well, it's not my bloody fault, is it?

What? You hung up? Yeah. All right, then, look, if we're in business in six

weeks, we'll have another chat. No, Mo!

What is it, Caledonian Forest?

No, that was last month. The forest in Snowdonia Limited now. Oh, yeah. Here we

are, five.

Be lucky.

Thanks, Mo. Now, are we in business or not?

No, look, we expect the first load in about four days. OK, you'll have your

on the door. Yeah, well, you'll need a bigger door, won't you? Where is it,

then? And I shall need a receipt.

You what?

Well, we're a bona fide business.

I mean, what would my accountant think?

All right, you give me your full name and address and number, just in case

someone wants to find you.

We don't trust each other. Where are we?

Moe, innit? Yeah, my very own sentiment.

Arthur. That is the name. That's right, Moe. Here, Moe, this way, boy. You what?

Do it yourself, for your own racing tips. Don't try anything, will you,

Now, come on, Moe, where's my full parcels?

You're standing on it.

That letterheading's all right, innit?

Hmm.

Far, eh?

West 1.

It's the wrong side of Oxford Street, but who cares?

Who are all these directors?

Guy Ernest MBE.

That's me.

I've used that name before.

Lucas Herman.

Just a fella.

And Sir John Franklin?

He's a boozer.

Oh, more to the point, it is a boozer. It's a pub in the East India Dock Road.

They love a title in this country, particularly the Racing Fraternity.

Yeah, well, where's Sir Arthur?

Looking for telephones.

Well, doesn't it work?

Yeah, yeah. Lovely.

Was it broken, then? No, no, no. OK.

Only I like to keep the hooligans out.

Oh, yeah. Man after me own heart.

You're the governor, yeah? Yes, I am in charge here. A credit to British Rail,

if I may say so.

That one all right? Good as gold.

You don't mind my asking, but are you from the GPO?

No, no, not exactly, but I am what you might call a telecom expert.

If you know what I mean. Oh, yes.

You don't happen to have the odd 10p on you, do you?

Oh, yes.

Yes, sir.

Right.

Here you are.

Oh, tough.

Yeah.

That's all right, I'll get that.

Daily Enterprises.

Terry? It's old JJ there. I've got some good news for him.

Hello, Arthur. Hello, JJ. We've cracked it.

I've found an office with three phones.

Good, innit?

Not too near the edge, sir. No, no.

Nice station.

Yeah, it's like being in the country.

Yeah. Not much traffic.

Oh, I don't know. You'd be surprised.

I mean, the 410 to Broad Street?

Due in five and a half minutes. Oh, nice.

I like to see that.

Now, what I meant was, it's not exactly Waterloo. Ah, you used to work there.

Oh, yeah.

Still, this place suits me, for now.

Plenty of bunts.

Well, you know, fringe benefits.

I mean, apart from the odd excursion to Broad Street.

Oh, we got a nice darts league.

Oh, a bit of a sportsman, eh?

Well, as I'm sure you realise, I'm the area manager for one of the big

multinationals. Really?

Yeah, yeah, and I'm always dashing all over the place, you know.

And my sales staff find it very difficult to get a hold of me sometimes.

Three public telephones and they'd be able to get a hold of me.

What can I do, then?

Well, if you was to put some stickers on the kiosks saying, out of order...

for, say, between 11am and 2pm, and keep an eye out for any vandals, I mean, you

would not only be helping your country and me, but also yourself.

Well, I'm not altogether sure that... You're not thinking for one moment it's

illegal, are you? I mean, would I suggest that?

Well, I don't know. No, no, no, of course not. No, no, I talked to our

department and they said no sweat.

And, I mean, it's got to be more interesting than watching Jimmy Savile

out the window every time a train goes through, isn't it? Oh, yes.

Why do you need three phones?

New York.

Chicago.

Paris.

Amsterdam.

Melbourne. I mean, there's lots of people trying to get in touch with me.

Contracts. Jobs for British workers.

And what am I doing? I'm on a dog and bone to San Francisco, and a geezer from

Milan's getting an engage signal.

Now, if he had another number, we'd be in business.

You see, I drive from Southampton to my office in Mayfair, and I stop here. It's

the perfect place. Key point.

I mean, you may call this Acton Green.

I call it Providence.

That's confidential.

It's got to be a wind -up, innit?

We are selling information.

If you phone us on one of these telephone numbers, we will give you our

considered expert selections for free races for half a... I don't believe it.

Hold up, hold up. It gets better, look.

We know what's in it. When you put down your heavy wager, include a £10 bet for

us. That's our commission.

You pay only when you win. We are trusting you just as you are trusting

A spirited rendition. You'd better get down to the old Vic. Old Bailey, more

likely. Look, don't printers take an oath like doctors or something?

They don't answer that. You are privy to very secret information.

Don't upset yourself, Arthur.

Are you a betting man, sir?

Yeah, I like a pun.

Well, in that case, you of all people should know that there is good

information, good connections, good sources. That's the way professionals

their living.

5 ,000 people wrote to us, sir. We didn't ask them to.

Would you like a tip for tomorrow?

What?

Dunlop's horse from the 330. John's an old friend of mine.

Yeah?

Punch, oh, punch.

11 or 2, they reckon.

Obviously, I can't guarantee that it'll win.

But would you like to give me a tenner now for the information or £55 less tax

after it wins?

It's, uh, it's a good 'un, is it? Look, this is JJ, not your scout or Captain

Cohen or whatever his name is.

All right.

I'll give you a tenner.

Take it off the bill.

Are they ready now?

Yeah. Right, let's have a look at the car, son.

Never mind.

The next guy phones up, I'll give him three other names.

Then the next guy, three other horses. Then I'll go back to the first horses if

somebody else phones.

Simple, isn't it? All the great ideas in history were simple, my son.

Were they immoral and all?

You couldn't even spell that.

There's nothing immoral about it.

All the national papers give their daily nap.

JJ is using the same form book.

You're always going on about improving yourself.

This is it. This is an office job.

Receptionist come manager.

Responsibility.

There you are.

What? There it is.

Where's the office?

That is it.

Hold on. Do you mean I'm minding three public phones?

What's wrong with that? You're always saying you like open -air jobs.

I'll get nicked. Of course you won't get nicked. Look at the stickers.

Out of order.

You're out of order. No, no, Terry, Terry, Terry. The railway man is on the

firm. Look, there he is now.

Simple, working -class hero.

One of the last corporals of life.

Salt of the earth.

Cool, you can't pick and card, you.

Well, I see you.

Now, hold on, hold on. Look, can't you at least take the first call? Oh, I

could, Terry, but I have got to go and meet the inspector of taxes.

Eh? Yeah, I've got to go home and change in my inland revenue set.

You see, you don't have all these troubles. You are a free spirit.

I am the one who has to fend off all these busybodies, marshal the ranks and

official them, so that you and me can get a decent crust.

Hey, Terry, when you have a moment, clean them out, will you? They're done

penning.

What's happened? Everything out of order?

Um... Well, do you want to phone someone?

Not really.

Oh.

That might be for me.

No, it's probably for me. Well, my man phones me every week. It's a nightclub

Nairobi's Hilton. That's why he's got access to the phone. Well, I'll just

it. All right, dear? All right.

Hello,

Mayfair Calls Consultants.

I don't want to look too flesh.

You're not going to cry, are you? Of course not.

I'm not after sympathy, Andrew.

I'm after money.

A little limp, perhaps.

Hello, Mayfair Coast Consultants.

Yeah, can I have your club number, please?

Yes, we have three selections today, yes.

The first one we have great hope for. Hello?

Pardon?

James McIntyre? No, no, no, no. Is that Robbie? No,

the name's Flying Duck.

Hold on.

Kempton, three o 'clock, Flying Duck.

Excellent. Yeah, Flying Duck, Kempton, three o 'clock. Who wants the

What? Selections.

Could you hang on one moment, please, sir? Thank you.

Look. Uh -huh. Tell him that name. Uh -huh. That name. Uh -huh. And that name,

right? Right.

Oi, oi. Excuse me.

Get his club number. Club number.

Hello, sir. Sorry about that. Yeah. Yes, got it.

Where were we now?

Yes.

I have got a company, but in name only. I mean, it's not active. It's just a

sentimental thing, you know. I mean, when this great country gets back on its

feet, I'll be ready.

No, no, no, nowadays I'm more or less semi -retired, sir.

But you've got some company assets, for example, a Jaguar car.

Oh, no, no, that's not mine. Oh, no, you've got all that wrong.

That's my uncle's.

That's an old man's folly, I'm afraid.

I said to him, I said, Uncle Sid, I mean, what do you want with a car like

I mean, you've been old age pension and everything.

And do you know what he said?

He said, Arthur, you use it, because you've got no wheels of your own.

Isn't that nice?

No, no, I just keep it for him.

But you do use the car for work.

Sorry? Work.

Me? A man of my age? No, no.

No, they don't want mature, experienced men.

No, I just use it to take the old folk down to the Derby and Joan Club and

people who have to go to hospital.

Elections are no favours.

I don't care who they vote for. If it's some old loony, I'll take them down to

polling station.

Yeah, I'm into charity and good deeds, you know.

Excuse me, could you tell me the right time?

Course to 11.

My lovely Carol.

You have a watch.

Wish I could have a simple watch.

I suppose nowadays that would be unnecessary extravagance, nowadays,

it?

Perhaps you'll find one in your lock -up.

My lock -up?

Is that what this interrogation's all about?

Just an interview.

I don't care what you call it.

Didn't you tell the man about my lock -up?

Odds and ends, I said.

My hobbies?

What hobbies?

Making things.

Oh, those things.

What things?

Wooden things.

Toys, mostly. Toys for deprived kiddies.

Hello? Mayfair calls consultants.

Mayfair calls consultants? Yes, yes.

Yes, it is. Do what?

I've got three for you. Nice, son.

Magic mark.

Hang on. Have you got that down?

Just wait.

Have you got that down? It's him.

Tell him to hang on a minute.

Jones boy.

You got that?

Jones boy. Can you hang on a minute?

Give us your number.

Can I ask you how you get by? What with food, rent, clothes, the occasional

drink? Question I ask myself, sir, many times.

Bingo, I suppose.

Bingo. Well, it's all down to her indoors.

She manages wonderfully.

Little Metro, two children at a private school.

I know, it's incredible, isn't it? I do not know how she does it. She is an

incredible woman.

Between you and me, I think she's got a few pennies in the post office.

I suppose she has, Mr. Bentley.

Oi, what's occurring?

Well, as far as I can make out, there's a load of midgets trying to kill

themselves on little bicycles.

No, I mean, what's occurring with these phones?

There's a lady making a phone call.

Yeah, well, we live around here.

That's nice.

Yeah, but you don't live around here.

So? Well, we live around here. You just said that. I'm just saying, aren't I?

Terrific.

Gonna be here tomorrow?

What's it to you?

Well... Because sometimes we have to use these phones.

Well, you save up. When you've got 10p, it's all yours.

All right?

Oh, well, I am deeply impressed.

But I'll tell you what they are.

They are after you now. A tax man is not like a clever dick. And that's what you

are. What can I do?

Well, you know this.

But they got Al Capone on tax, yeah? And look what happened to him.

Well, that's it. Two o 'clock, the office is closed.

Ah. Listen, my name's Terry.

Pat Ford.

Nice one. Listen, thanks for all this. Terrific. You think we've earned a

don't you?

Absolutely, Terry.

Oh, but before, can I pop into the betting shop?

Are you sure, Pat?

How'd I win it then, Arthur?

I'm always on a winner, my son.

Oh, dear, I'm ever so sorry.

I know what you did for it.

Have we got a result or haven't we?

Yeah, of course. I'll see you tomorrow then.

Yeah, all right. Sorry. Hello.

I'll have a large one. Have you seen it? What? Three winners.

We've done it. What I'm worried about now is can we expect the right amounts

from the punters? I mean, will they send their fees? Listen, I've just had a

telephone. You've got to remember there's a lot of dishonesty about these

How many calls did you take?

Oh, about 300, but that... No, that is incredible.

I mean, if one in three puts a bet on, and the starting prices were all right,

magic mark was nine to two, that's 40 quid for us. Will you listen to me a

minute? I have my doubts about whether they'll send the money.

Old JJ reckons they will.

Oh, you've thought about poor old JJ at last, have you?

What do you mean?

He's ill.

I know he's ill. He's got a dicky ticker.

But he's in the hospital.

Intensive care.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

who's going to pick the selections?

Bennett, you are a little charmer, you, aren't you?

I mean, an old mate of yours is just about to snuff it and all you can think

about is money.

Well, that is important, isn't it?

I mean, probably just a false alarm.

Yeah, but you don't know that, do you?

Well, pay the man.

I've had a nasty turn. You know how illness affects me.

Would you like an aspirin? No, no, I'll be all right, Dave.

When did you find out about this? That was his daughter on the phone.

He said I'd see her tomorrow morning.

Can he sit up?

No, I don't know.

Well, then, can he read?

It could be in an oxygen tent, for all I know.

Well, in that case, you could slip him a sporting life, couldn't you?

Haven't you got any feelings?

Yes, I have. I can be a very sensitive person when I want to, Terence.

I should have known.

I should never have trusted him from the off.

Can I help you?

Yeah, have you got on with the Mooney?

No.

Mooney? No, there's nobody of that name.

This is Ward M6, isn't it? That's right.

Well, he came in yesterday.

About my height, a lot of grey hair, and he speaks with a sort of posh Irish

accent. Oh, you mean Sir Alfred?

Sir Alfred?

Sir Alfred's mine.

That's with an E at the end.

Ah.

Yeah, that's got to be him, then.

Well, don't you know?

Oh, no, well, it is him. Yeah, Sir Alfred.

He usually uses a different name, you see, when he's incognito.

Mooney, that's his butler's name, really.

He's a bit eccentric.

Visiting hours are between two and eight.

Oh, well... Well, I'll find out.

I suppose you're Terry.

Yeah, that's right.

Are you Fenella? Yes.

I believe these are your daily selections.

Oh, yeah. I trust you won't sell them in the hospital.

Hold on. It's not my idea, you know.

How is he?

He's ill.

Well, can I see him? No.

I don't want you to bother him.

I wasn't going to bother him.

We're friends, right?

He's sleeping anyway.

Oh. Oh, look, I've got this one. It's a bit shorter than that.

Is there anything else he needs?

He's OK.

I'm sorry, Terry.

Buy me a cup of coffee, if you like.

Yeah. Oh, nurse, nurse.

Sorry, do you think you could give them to Mr Mooney?

Sir Alfred.

I'm sure it's a smashing hospital, but, I mean, JJ needs a bit of luxury,

doesn't he? I mean, the London Clinic.

That was pathetic.

You were impressed, I suppose.

Oh, yeah.

What about the Dorchester, eh? I mean, that took some doing.

He even conned himself.

Do you know where he was living?

What? A hotel for single men, two pounds a night.

The humiliation was beyond him. Sometimes he even believes his own

He thinks he's one of nature's aristocrats.

All he wants to do is impress people, people like you, and that awful Arthur

Daly. Well, he impressed me, and Arthur thinks he's the greatest, I tell you.

Because he can run a tipster service from his sickbed.

Hold on, you don't like him, do you?

I love him.

He gave me everything.

He gave me four mothers, a dozen schools.

Don't you know the story of my education?

No, no.

This is a good one for your cronies in the Winchester Club.

You see, J .J. wanted me to be a success, so I went to Benenden with

Anne for a couple of terms.

Then there was a term at Brodine, and then to Millfield.

I didn't know at the time why.

It was because J .J. couldn't pay the bills.

He was always changing my name.

Half the crown heads of Europe were relatives of mine.

Off to Switzerland and a year in Paris.

By the time I was 18, I was highly educated and on the most wanted list in

countries. I don't believe it.

No, on the other hand, I do believe it, I suppose.

Of course you do.

Yes, I suppose I do owe him a lot.

Yeah, but what about Rodin and all the others, eh?

Well, the thing is, he actually had the money.

He just wanted to break the rules.

Life's a laugh, that's his view.

Yeah. What's he going to do when he grows up?

Point is, what's he going to do when he leaves here?

He's a very independent man.

He won't come to my house.

Apart from that, my husband doesn't like him.

Maybe he doesn't trust him. You can understand that, can't you?

No, he's not amused by JJ's stories.

He's a merchant banker.

I thought that was rhyming slang.

I'll ignore that.

Now, I don't know what's going to happen to JJ.

I said that to him last night. He said, oh, don't worry about it, that's fine.

If I'm ready to go, I'll con my way into heaven.

Then he smiled to me and said, do they take credit cards, do you think?

Come.

Does he owe you any money?

No, no.

Do you owe him any money?

No.

There's something wrong there.

How are you, help? Hello, Terry.

This is Sylvia, a good telephone operator.

And I was the receptionist as well. Well, nice to meet you.

Just in case we get too busy.

Got enough selections?

Yeah, the only thing is, they might be the last ones we have.

Oh. Did you see them?

Yeah, yeah. Good, good.

I thought you might ask how he was.

Yeah, I was just going to. What was going on?

These are your new employees, eh?

Yep. Couldn't have done a thing without Petal there.

You're not talking about wages, are you? Yes, I am talking about wages.

But no stamps.

But I haven't had a penny yet.

It's your problem, isn't it? Well, I didn't ask you to sub the work out. You

understand, don't you, Flower?

Petal. Of course she is. A cockle. Hey!

For a few minutes' work. Four hours she was in there. Yeah, but I mean a tenner.

I mean, I'm known as a generous governor, but... Don't listen to him.

happy. Here you are, my dear. Here you are. Look, you stick that in your

sporran. Don't do it. A nice blue one, my dear.

You're going to be sorry about this. What about silver? Hey, hey, hey! Can't

read? Out of order.

Yeah, you're out of order and all.

Cheeky beggar. Well, that'll be him.

Oi! Has he got a licence for that? Come on, Terry, get him out.

How? How?

With violence, that's how. Kick them up the arse. Hold on, if they've got ten

pence, they're in business, aren't they? Oh, this is charming, isn't it? What is

this, betrayal?

I leave you minding three telephone boxes, and here I am being threatened by

Bugsy Malone and his mob. We live round here. Oh, yeah, he lives round here. He

lives round here. Yeah, he told me that yesterday.

Oi, mister, do you realise that these are the only telephone boxes in the

metropolitan area that ain't been vandalised? That's it, right.

Oh. Well, they're like gold dust in your game.

What game?

Well, I don't know.

It's got to be a bit iffy, though, ain't it? A bit iffy, though, ain't it? All

right, sunshine.

Now, you've had a good time with the phones. If anybody else hosts cars, your

head's coming off. Got it?

Oi, you lot, leave it out.

It's just a joke.

Now, listen, son.

What is it?

Sorry, pal, wrong number.

It's going to be a lot, that.

Yo, you're the head man, are you? What's his name?

This is Tony.

Can I call you Tony?

Of course you can.

Excuse me, Rat.

Over here, Coney. See, look what we've got. Sit down.

We've got a rupture of communications.

See, you've come here, team -handed, terrorising the law -abiding ratepayers,

utilising the property of the GPO, stroke British Telecom, to wit, one

dog and bone, and demanding ransom, blackmail and or protection money. Is

right? Well, yeah.

Well, I'm not going to dwell on the ambiguous morality of the situation,

er, how much?

A tonne.

Oh, the kid's a mug.

You're on a twist tone.

Don't you read the Financial Times no more?

Recession is rampant in the Western world. We're all having to scrimp and

scrape. And yet you want 100 notes for sheer exploitation and out of wanton

greed. 50, then.

Oh, the kid's no mug. I'll give you 10, and I'm being generous. Oh, leave it

out. Look, 40. I said 10.

It's a chance.

30. You're being a fool to yourself.

25. Oh, a pony's nearer. Make it 20 and we'll touch hands.

Yeah, done.

No kids, no mug. Will you take the cheque? No chance.

No, no, just testing, Tony, just testing.

There you are. And make sure you count it, because it's not all there. I owe

nine. I'm going to the bank now, and I will come right back, OK?

Hello,

Arthur.

You've had a result, haven't you?

How do you know?

I've seen your pile of correspondence.

Very handsome.

Be lucky.

Who's the clever fella, right?

Don't you worry about me, my friend.

Honest endeavour, enterprise.

The price is right, they're always customers.

Never mind the supplementary benefits. Get out and graft, that's my philosophy.

Oh, incidentally, a guy was asking for you. Oh, yeah? Who?

He didn't say. He looked sort of official -like.

In what way?

Oh, I don't know. You can spot him on my look, can't you? What did he want?

I don't know. He didn't say.

But right from the start, I thought, hello, Mr.

Plot, or something worse.

Like what?

The dreaded Batman.

The knock on the door in the early hours of the morning, all you hear terrible

things. Anyway, I marked your card for you.

All right, Sprotty.

Shouldn't even be seen with you.

Why? You mix with thieves, gangsters, oars, pimps, transvestites and

shoplifters.

What's the matter with me? Why?

You're a bent copper, Sprutty.

Even worse, you got found out.

Got my career to think about, don't I?

And I thought we were friends.

You owe me a favour.

Yeah?

Friend in trouble's no friend of mine.

Who needs friends like that?

I'll be up for inspector in a year.

Again. I need friends in high places, not blokes going down the drain hole.

Don't worry.

I'll give you a reference.

That's what I'm worried about.

Anyway, I told you on the trumpet.

JJ's around.

He's on the scene.

That doesn't mean he's organising this particular racing scam.

I know him. I've seen the ad. I recognise the style.

But he needs a partner.

And I think I know who he is.

Oh, yes.

The plot thickens. I know this motor.

Bold Arthur Daly, and he shouldn't have that disabled sticker on his windscreen

either. What's his form?

Form? We're talking about pedigree. The right thoroughbred.

Dishonest, mean, greedy, shifty, slippery.

Daly is your true metropolitan hyena. He's an urban vulture.

That's just his good side.

He's your man, Sprotty.

Handle him with care.

Right side up, know what I mean? On his head.

My pleasure.

After that, we are quitted.

We are no longer friends. Do not call me, I will not call you. In fact,

Sprutty.

Same to you, friend.

Uh, small point.

What do you look like?

Horrible.

And there I was, completely surrounded.

It was a stakeout, was it? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very carefully planned.

I mean, there were several of them. And you evaded them? Of course.

It was like one of them James Bond things.

He often wears a frogman's outfit.

No, no, no. There was no frogman's outfits.

They all had these big black leather jackets, you know. I knew at once.

There's one, he's a right wally.

Moustache. You've got to get up early to catch Arthur Daly.

You know, I met Sean Connery.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, that was before he became Roger Moore.

Dave. Oh, excuse me.

Hello, Mr Sprott. Long time no see.

All right, Dave.

Give us a light out. Yeah, come out.

You know, Arthur, I was saying to... Arthur Daly. Arthur Daly. Daly, isn't

You yourself are mischievous at your age. Beg your pardon? I think you've got

the wrong man.

You trying to mug me or something?

Seen one of these before.

What is it?

Season ticket for Fulham?

Get in the car.

Thank you. Well, my mum told me not to accept letters from strangers. Didn't

your mum tell you that? My mum said near me in the private. That's nuts to you.

Oh, if you're going to be like that. Get in.

I don't know whether you know, but I'm one of the most highly respected

businessmen in the borough. Not to say in the whole of the greater London area.

You owe me money.

Me? Oh, yes.

Look, may I ask... No.

Where's JJ?

Oh, he's in... Are you arresting me?

Oh, in that case, do you mind if I go?

Should your feet feel inclined to hit the pavement, you are dead.

I've just been kicked out of the force.

20 years of my life, gone.

All I know is cry.

Particularly fraud.

I'm an expert.

And I've known JJ for 10 years.

Always admired him.

And I've always thought of him as a friend.

So when I knew I was going to be dismissed, I thought I'd get a hold of

But I should have known.

Con men never die.

They merely fade away with your money.

Well, I wouldn't know about that.

You see, I gave him the money, and he went on the missing list.

Brilliant scheme.

We could have an office, three phones, put an ad in the sporting life.

The very same ad that you had.

So, you see, that's why I say you owe me.

Just a minute. I mean, I don't know anything about your arrangements with

It's your office, isn't it?

Um, yeah, in a way.

You know, I want it. This is a very expensive jacket. All the better to tear

to shreds. Oh, no, no, no. Don't do that. I'm sure we can come to some sort

arrangement. And the phones.

And not phones. Everything.

All inclusive.

What is it, Ben? Short -term lease?

Very short -term.

Just park by the station.

Terry! I'm on the phone! I'm being threatened!

There's something new.

With my dosh.

Have a word with him. Sir, I'm getting a lot of complaints. You're going to get

a lot more, too. This is your new tenant. You said it was an office.

No, no, no, no, no. You said it was an office. And you're going to have a view

out there. It's a very clear position.

Petal.

Sylvia.

Tone. And I'm the station manager.

But he's on the firm. Make a nice cup of tea any time you want. There are no

catering facilities on this station. Toilets on the platform.

You are sending me up.

Shut up. And Terry, who takes care of all...

I think so.

Oh, that must be for you.

Sir,

do you mind?

I still think it's a nice little earner.

There's none so gullible as your average punter.

Leave off, he needs his rest.

Well, you can pick them, the selections. You like the GGs.

Yeah, that's why I'm skint.

No, you're very good with dumb animals.

Oh. What?

That's his bed. Oh, my God.

He's getting dressed.

Oh, thank goodness.

Well, he won't need that, then, will he?

Have you met the charming Harper?

I'm not sure I want to.

My pleasure, my dear.

We knew he'd be all right.

I shall have to schlep around and find some more telephones.

He's bored with horses.

There are better things.

My fault. We were talking about the banking system last night. Switzerland.

And suddenly I saw a glimmer in his eye.

It was as though the Holy Grail had manifested in the ward.

Don't stop him.

It's J .J. versus the Names of Zurich now. That could be his personal best.

he smoke a record?

Yeah, he's going to need a bit of capital for that, hasn't he?

Oh, you old scallywag, you got it right.

Where's my money?

Ah, pennies, J .J. A handful of coppers.

You're all right. I've had a terrible time. Dash in here, dash in there. Is

bed free?

Oh, it's hard work avoiding honest work.

How much have we got?

Who knows?

Cheques, postal orders. I haven't cashed any of them.

How much, Arthur?

Um, £972.

So you owe me £486 plus the £300 I gave you when we started.

That was a gift.

That was the capital loan.

You're very lucky I didn't charge you interest.

Oh, you're wicked, JJ.

I've laid out money to station masters, dead -end kids, Blossom, Petal, Tulip,

Dandelion, I don't know what her name is. If I didn't know you better, I'd say

he was a con man.

He is.

What's your excuse?

I'll change the situation.

Right people, right time, just the wrong location.

I've got a good idea.

Just you keep me near. I'll be so good for you. I'm

going to help you.

Love you like you want me to.

I'll do anything for you.

I'll be so cool, boy.

I can be so good for you.

I'll do it like you want me to.