Original subtitles

Who's been a naughty boy, then?

Who's a naughty boy?

Here's another fine mess you got into, Stanley. What's wrong?

What would you say they were, Dan?

I don't know. I've never seen them before.

We don't care if you haven't seen them. We want to know what they are.

Well, they're magazines, aren't they? You'll start a fatigue.

Go on.

Go on where?

You know what he's bleeding on about, Stan.

Tell us what magazines they are.

The lady?

And think about it.

Bonus question.

Country life?

Spot on, Stanley. Can't fault it. Ten out of ten.

Stanley Quayle from West Amstead reading The Lady and Country Life.

Mr Grant, we don't reckon the lady, Sam.

He isn't exactly head over heels with country life.

Look, I don't know nothing about them, honest.

You say you don't know nothing about them?

You had 200 of them on the back of your lorry.

Country life, ladies, National Geographicals.

You even had some beanos and dandies mixed up with them.

Mr. Grantley don't pay you wages to go down to Dover and come back with beanos

and bleeding dandies, does he?

Going somewhere?

Only to the car, Zee. I'm busting for a Jimmy Riddle.

That's nerves, that is, Stan.

Go on.

you need not all that or was you thinking of nicking off somewhere Stan?

No. Well I wouldn't. Not if I was you.

But before you tell me where those two other packing cases are. Look I wasn't

lying I don't know nothing about it. Where are they Stan?

Where are they?

I can be

so good for you.

Love you like you want me to.

No, I suppose if you can't, you can't. That's all there is to it, isn't it?

Yeah, if I'd... No, all right, all right.

Yeah, I'll give you a ring next week sometime then, shall I?

Yeah, cheers.

Have a nice night.

Been giving a bleeding hell, haven't I?

Oh, you can't win them all.

I'd like to win a couple now and again.

What's that?

Oh,

God, I'm more alive.

You'd think his BAT man just had heart attack, wouldn't you? Oh, it's a big day

tomorrow. Wedding bells for Oliver's niece.

Did you get an invite?

No, no, I'm keeping a low profile. Don't want one of those, no thanks.

Here, well, that's a mug.

Poor side doesn't look as though he's going in, does he?

Are you sure you're not on the official guest list?

I'm absolutely positive.

Surely his dibs has rode you in for some simple little job.

Terry! Have a word, my son?

I wouldn't carry your chickens, Terry.

Bring a drink over.

What do you want?

Liver. The usual for me.

I'll have another one of these. You can have this one.

There you are.

This is a lucky lad who's got it all to do tomorrow, Terry.

Daryl Emsworth.

Terry. Terry McCann.

Mr. Daly's been telling me.

Terry's solid gold.

24 carat. Right through.

Mr. Daly, can you tell me where to find the toilet?

Well, there's nothing out of order, son, is there?

You feeling a bit uncle -dit? Oh, no, no. I just want to use the toilet. Oh,

well, that's all right, then. Yeah, through there. Behind the curtain.

Oh, right. There you are.

There we go.

Nice, that.

Looking forward to tomorrow, Terry?

Yeah, yeah.

Nick to point off him at home, you know.

Could get to it tomorrow.

The wedding, Burke.

Someone getting married?

Daryl's wedding.

Daryl and Trina.

Oh, my God. Don't say the GPO's cocked it up again.

Your invite is stuck in a post somewhere.

No. Yeah.

Still not to worry, eh?

I mean, I was never very good at those big occasions, you know, chit -chat

speeches and all that. I'd be better off down with the chaps at Craven Cottage.

What, and let my little Trina down?

Eh? What is my little Trina going to say if she thinks on the most important day

of her life you are giving her a blank?

I don't even know her.

Not personally, no.

But you have heard me talk about her.

When?

Just now.

What about Daryl?

What about Daryl?

I've been sending your praises to him all the way from the station.

Don't leave it out, Arthur. No, no, no, no, no. Leave nothing out, Terry.

He is relying on you.

Eh? And me.

And you will be doing me a favour, which you owe me, and enjoying yourself.

I mean, that can't be bad, can it?

Doing what?

Spending a ten spot.

Oh. What, you mean you're going to give me a tenner to spend?

Terry.

This is stag night, isn't it?

I mean, I was going to show him the bright lights myself, like this big

deal cropped up.

Now, Arthur, look, are you suggesting that I'm going to take... No, no, no,

Terry, Terry, every man is entitled to his stag night.

Mm -hm.

It's like a condemned man's party breakfast.

Oh, my stag night was a cork that I'll never forget.

I ended up, I ended up at three o 'clock in the morning.

Oops. Oh, never mind where I ended up, but the point is...

I don't want Daryl turning up at the church in the condition I turned up in.

Her indoors has never forgiven me. After all these years, it still rankles.

So you... Oh,

no. You look after Daryl tonight, eh?

Where's your drink?

Oh, it's over there.

Oi, it's Friday, isn't it? Yes, Saturday morning.

Yeah, I've got to make phone calls, I've got to arrange to meet people, you

know, what happens on Friday nights.

I mean, the good Lord did not put me on earth to be a nursemaid, did he?

Well, Terence, Terence, please, do not let us bring him into the argument.

The good Lord created us all in his own image, right?

And then he dotted your card, as he dotters all our cards. But he dotted

card, mind you. And that is your role for tonight.

Daryl, mind you.

Where am I supposed to take him?

Oh, just that he enjoys himself.

Within moderation.

You know, drink, you know.

Nightclub, you know.

Dodgy saunas and massage, two floors up, ring bell and wait, is definitely off

the menu.

And you expect me to do that with a tenner?

Nah, it's a score or nothing.

Oh, no, no, no, Terry, I'm sorry.

25 is the absolute top. Right, done. 25, good deal. Thank you very much.

Eh? 25.

Oh, all right, then.

You know, I'm going to have to love you and leave you now.

You are, partner.

Dave, you're not coming dressed like that, are you?

Don't worry, I've got all the gear.

Oh, good.

All right for some?

No, no, no, 25, right?

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Take care, darling. Oi, where's he stopping?

John, didn't I mention?

It'd be all right if he crashes down at your place tonight.

I've only got one bed. Oh, there'll be no trouble.

I mean, it would be more convenient if you kept to your gaff tonight, because

it's when you're on the shuttle in the morning.

Is there something else you've forgotten to mention?

No, no, no, Terry, Terry, I assume you will be picking up the bride and groom

and dropping them down?

Oh, no, no, no.

Saturday, innit?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, Saturday's football, innit?

Well, Terry, how are they going to get there?

Well, I don't know, give them a minicab.

Minicab? Hmm, Terry.

Her indoors is all set on society wedding.

She goes spare if they turn up in a minicab.

And look, I've got a princess all laid on.

Terry. Terry.

Oh, go on then, good boy. I'll bring the motor around in the morning. Right.

See he gets his beauty sleep.

Yes, sir.

Where are we going then, Terry?

Where do you fancy?

I don't mind, up to you. But can we go on underground?

I like underground.

Hello. Hello, Rich.

Oh, God's truth, you did not make me jump over.

I'm on my own.

Wasn't expecting the phone to ring.

Yeah, sorry, Reg. Sorry to bell you tonight, but I thought I'd better check

the deal's still on.

You see, it'd be difficult to ring tomorrow.

I've got a wedding in the family.

Yeah, of course it's on.

I don't go back... You know me. If I say I'll do a thing, I do it, son.

Hang about a second, Arthur.

Reg? Hello, Reg?

Stone me, it's him again.

Who? You know, that bleeding bent copper, innit?

What's his name?

I don't know.

Yes, you do.

That's Ashmore.

No.

Not little Mr Stickyfingers back in his antics.

That's all we need.

We've enough problems without bent filth.

Harper?

Everything OK?

Yeah, of course everything's OK. Why shouldn't it be?

Hey, listen.

Listen, these goods that you're knocking out for me, they're not dodgy, are

they? Of course they're not dodgy. I've already told you, Harper. They fall off

the back of this lorry regularly.

Look, they're ready for you now.

Question of how soon you can call and collect them, innit? Tomorrow morning,

sir?

Ah, ah. Now, look, that is the one day I'm lumbered, Reg.

See, I can't do it tomorrow because I've got this family wedding.

You'll have to make up your mind what comes first, business or pleasure. Of

course, it's tomorrow or not at all.

Question a quick turnover in that game. If you can't pick them up tomorrow, I've

got other customers who can, old son.

What do you think?

How'd you get the coffin in?

Well, never mind the pun, it's a very valuable vintage limo. It's got a very

distinguished history.

History's the operative word, isn't it?

I've seen it on telly, haven't I? You haven't? No.

Laurel and Hardy were driving it.

Going jogging?

No, I'm not going jogging. I've been sleeping on a bleeding sofa and ice,

freezing it.

It's got to be early, isn't it? What time is it?

Well, it's not that early.

It must be all of seven o 'clock.

Seven? Or something like that.

Half -by -six type of thing.

Half -by -six? What's your game?

Well, I brought 11 around, didn't I?

Yeah, but a wedding might still kick off till 11 .15, does it? Oh, no, no. I

thought I might beg a favour of you before the off.

What sort of favour?

Ta -da!

Leave off? I'm not wearing that.

But it's a church wedding, Terry. We'd have proper fit there and an organist. I

mean, a chauffeur's hat would look right.

Well, let him wear it, then.

Oh, no, Terry, please.

Get off!

Oh, I don't care if it's Westminster Abbey in the archbishop of Canterbury

refereeing. I'm not wearing that.

Put it back.

So what's this favour?

Oh, I just want you to pick up some books I've bought.

Books? Yeah.

I don't suppose it occurred to you to put the kettle on, did it?

Come on.

That's not big.

What's wrong with you getting your own book?

Shh.

Kept him well, didn't he?

Hey, you didn't get him legless, did you?

You weren't charging round the flesh pots till the early hours.

He's a killer, that one, you know. What?

Up west, on the underground, cheeseburger, chips, half a lager, down

Avenue and round and round Piccadilly Circus. What for?

He wanted to see the lights.

Oh, well, then you'll have a little bit of change for me, won't you?

What I was saying was, why can't you collect the books yourself?

Oh, be reasonable, Terry.

What, a day like that I've got?

I mean, that's why I've come to you at the crack of dawn.

I mean, I'll never be able to get out again once Erling Dawes has woken up.

Er, no cigars, not this time of day.

Oh, my God.

I'll be bedlam at home at nine o 'clock.

All the relations, we're bedding and breakfasting, they're all over the

I mean...

Where am I supposed to learn my speech?

My heart bleeds for you, Arthur.

Well, they're not all my relations, you know. Most of them are hers.

All right. What are these books?

Books? We're writing them.

For reading.

Look, take the limo.

Make it a round trip.

Bung the books in the booth.

Here you are.

I've done your itinerary.

Watford? No, no, no. This side of Watford. I mean, it's only a stone's

of your way. Trina's Muswell Hill.

All right, I agree to shunt the bride and groom, right? I did not agree to do

round Britain rally. Oh, come on, Terry, I've done all the hard graft for you.

Look, I've worked out a rule.

Go on, read that.

Time of departure, 07 .30 hours. Proceed to Watford.

Time of arrival, Watford, 08 .15.

Three quarters of an hour from here to Watford?

Well, it's Saturday morning, half past seven.

You're doddling.

Right, pick up books.

Pick up books, TOD Watford 0830.

Return to base, TOA here.

0915, drop off literature, pick up group.

TOD 0940. And that gives you ten minutes for a cup of tea.

Well, that's bleeding kind of you.

Well, that's all right.

You drop Daryl off at my place at 10 to 10.

Put your foot down, all the back doubles, might as well live in no time.

Trina, 10 .30.

Gives you all the time in the world to get to St Thomas' for 11 .15. I'll see

you there. I suppose you don't want me to drop into a car wash on the way?

I don't know that. You'd ruin a white ribbon.

You're being sarcastic, aren't you?

Listen, this place in Watford, what is it, a bookshop?

Well, no, no, no, it's not exactly a bookshop as such.

Well, what is it exactly as such?

More your marriage guidance, you know, sort of marital aid establishment.

Marital aid?

A text shop? You mean they're porno books?

Terry, of course they're not porno. Bit fruity, yes.

Well, why can't the geezer who owns this shop knock him out?

Because he don't deal much in books.

He sells thingies, you know.

I mean, he's holding these few books that came off the back of a lorry.

Oh, this gets better and better, doesn't it?

Not only are they porno books, now they're bent porno books.

Oh, I'll trust you to get the wrong end of the stick. Look, there are these few

books. What this man wants to get shot of.

I have so -o contacts.

It'll be a quick turnover job.

I'll be rid of them by tomorrow morning.

You make sure you are, because I'm not driving around with them for the rest...

Oh, morning, Mr Daly.

Morning, Terry.

Hi, mate. Morning, Daryl. Sorry, did Terry wake you up?

Oh, this is the day, my son.

Live every second of it, eh?

How do you like to start with a nice cooked breakfast?

Terry, here's a dab and a fry -up.

Do what?

Oh, yeah. No, no. Perhaps on second thoughts, better not.

Don't want you going down with heartburn, do we?

No.

He never said nothing to me about not picking him up himself.

Well, did he mention a wedding?

Yeah. Yeah, he did say something. But he didn't say nothing about no Terry

picking up his goods.

Well, could you try ringing him? I've tried him twice. It's always engaged.

Yeah, that's Arthur.

He's trying to find out where I am, ringing you while you're ringing in.

Listen. I've got to take this bird to the church, right? The bride.

Now, if we don't hurry up, he's going to end up thumbing it, isn't he?

Have you got any proof you're working for Arthur Daly?

Yeah, yeah, look. Look at that fleeting motor.

Of course I'm working for Arthur Daly. You don't think I'd drive a heap like

that for fun, do you?

I'll tell you what.

Drive it round about, right? First left, then left again, and Raymond can load

it up. But you do not drive it away from here until I've had a word with him,

OK? Fair enough, yeah.

Let's get moving, eh?

Follow him.

He's following the geezer in that tired -up banger.

We're following him.

I know about the bridesmaids' poses. It's not the bridesmaids' poses I'm

bringing up to complain about. It's the individual carnation buttonholes. Stop

shooting those balls all over the place.

Sorry about that. Just clarifying a few points to my lady wife.

Now, getting back to the non -arrival of the individual

carnation buttonholes. Now, you promised me faithfully they would be here no

later.

I'm sorry, where was I?

Yes, yes. Oh, they are?

Oh, can I have your definite assurance on that, sir?

Oh, I'm very much obliged to you, madam.

Thank you. I hope yours is equally enjoyable.

Wait! No chocolate milk in that front bedroom.

That has been designated a no -go area for kids.

The ladies' coat room.

Full of fur coats.

Don't want you stopping chocolate milk all over the place.

Arthur? What?

Telephone. I know it's a telephone, you stupid in -law.

Daily residence?

Yes, Reg?

Terry? Is he still with you?

He should be halfway to Muswell Hill by now, according to the itinerary.

I know, I know, but I wasn't to know that, was I, Harper? For all I know, it

could have been anybody.

It's Terry, Reggie. Didn't you know he worked for me?

No, don't go on, Harper. He's leaving now.

He's way behind schedule already.

I mean now, now. As soon as you stop rabbiting on, put the phone down.

What's all this?

What Arthur asked me to get for him.

No, no, no, no.

No, it should have all been stacked in a boot.

He has stacked up the boot. It wouldn't all go in.

But they're supposed to be books. They are books.

They're not the magazines.

Same difference.

God.

Oh, my God, that's disgusting.

Magazines are books.

It's all something to read.

Or look at.

Look, look.

This is a wedding motor, isn't it?

I'm supposed to be taking the blushing bride to the church.

And she will have something to blush about if she cops an eyeful of one of

these, won't she?

No, no, no, look, you'll have to unload them. Look, that motor was loaded up on

Arthur's instructions, and if Arthur wants it unloaded, then Arthur can

it himself.

All right, can I use your phone?

Be my guest.

I don't want them. They're Arthur's books, bought in paper. You can't unload

them here.

Just open the doors with it.

Hang about.

Don't worry.

I'll find out where they're going.

We'll pick them up again later.

Oh, excuse me. Reggie Reynolds, is it? Who wants him? Oh, friend of Stan.

Stan, the lorry driver.

Wants to see you, Reggie.

What about?

Where is he?

Don't say you haven't heard. He's in the hospital.

What's wrong with him?

He had to have all his faith ditched. He was in this accident.

Accident? What sort of accident?

A driving accident? Did something hit him? That's right, Reggie. Something hit

him. It's me.

I should get back behind your counter, sonny, if I was you. This ain't any of

your business, is it?

And oi!

I wouldn't go doing anything stupid like trying to phone the law. Know what I

mean?

Smashing. We understand each other, then.

Now piss off!

Now, I said I'd send a car to pick up the sherry, but I haven't had a car to

send, have I? I am not made of cars, contrary to popular belief. I'll wring

their little necks for you. See what it is, Beatrice? We don't know what it is.

If we knew what it was, I could shift it for you.

It's chocolate milk.

I said they shouldn't be allowed to swab it about.

They should drink it in the kitchen, over the sink.

If it's milk, it's that. It's a proper cleaning job. I wouldn't like to attempt

it. I'll do more than wring their necks. I'll crucify the little swines.

Daily residence.

Terry.

What do you mean you won't have time to pick up the bridegroom?

You should have picked him up already.

Where are you?

Like the traffic, it's murder, right?

Never mind, don't tell me now. Listen, revised itinerary. You do the bride,

get young Mick to pick up Daryl, drop him at the church and then double back

here for the sherry.

And it can squeeze a couple of her sisters in as well. Just a minute,

Yes, Graham?

You don't happen to have a collar stud about the premises, do you? Collar stud?

Collar studs went out with Clement Attlee. I have not seen a collar stud

1947.

Look, I'll have to wear my other shirt. I told you you wouldn't have one. I

don't care what it's got. You're not walking in that church in a top hat and

woolly shirt.

It's not only on her best coat. It's all over your fitted carpet. It would all

be all over my fitted carpet if it is.

Listen, Terry, you can still do it in my woolly old pick -up, yes?

Both are, of course, yeah.

Listen, mate, it's those books, right?

Never mind about that. If you can do the bribe, we're in with a chance. Don't

you think I'll walk on the carpet until I've been in? Listen, did I mention the

sherry?

Will somebody please answer the front door? I'm on the telephone.

I don't want to cancel the carpet, Arthur, but who only knows how you'll

the wall.

You'll get for something in this place!

Excuse me. Listen, love, it's all right. That's fine. I'll be out in a minute.

All right?

Sorry, Arthur. What were you... Arthur?

Oi! Arthur!

Terry, look.

Terry?

Terry?

You look a picture.

Don't worry, love, it must be on its way.

If there were any major hang -ups, he'd have given us a ring.

It's all very well you're saying, don't worry, Dad, it's not your wedding.

What do you think it's got to?

I told you, it's on its way.

If it's down to your Uncle Arthur to send a vehicle, he'll send a vehicle.

late than never.

There's a limo with its ribbons up, pulling up outside now.

Transport for the bride?

Yeah, that's right, Chief.

You'd better wheel her out. I'm running a bit behind time.

Have you got room?

Oh, yeah, that's the room.

As long as she don't mind sitting in the front with me.

Where do I fit in?

You? Why, who are you?

I'm Mr. Ellerby. I'm the father of the bride.

Nobody said anything about taking the father of the bride. It's been an

oversight, then, because the bride's father always journeys with the bride.

Always.

It's traditional.

Look, just tell her to keep calm, right? I'll shuffle things about.

But don't panic, that's all, and I promise I'll get you there on time, all

right? We'd be extremely grateful.

Did anyone say anything about two crates of medium sweet sherry?

Oh, cheers.

Bride or groom side?

I'm neutral.

Friend or relative of a bride or groom?

I am the bride's uncle's business associate.

Oh, um, either side.

Business associate?

Not many.

Won't be long now, if the light stays with us.

They won't be going into church with it.

They'll be going on to the reception.

They're to toast the health of the bride and groom.

We're having a sparkling rosé at the luncheon, but that's arriving with the

caterers.

Terrific.

You took your time, didn't you? Arthur, no, no, no, no. Come on.

You think that they must be dead, don't you? Right.

Arthur.

Sorry about the sherry, Malcolm.

How's my little Trina?

Give you a comfortable ride, is she? Like being on a magic carpet sitting

in one of these, isn't it?

These books are yours. They're all magazines, aren't they? Bleeding

them.

Disgusting. That's what I said.

It's not physically possible.

Is it?

Yeah. Oh.

Yeah, well, get rid of them.

Rid of them where?

I don't know. Find somewhere to stash them pro temps. Take them round to your

place. In 20 minutes?

Listen, according to your itinerary, it's 11 .30 TOD, right? Right. Get the

bride and groom taken to the reception at the Birkdale rooms, right? Right.

POA, 12 .50 hours. Right.

Well, that isn't humanly possible, is it?

And there's another fly in the ointment.

Is the old bill on the official guest list, or is he a bona fide gatecrasher?

Detective Constable Ashmore?

What's his caper? He's been following me since Watford. Why? What you been up

to? Nothing.

Well, nor have I, so it can't be nothing to do with me.

No, no, no, no. There's nothing wrong in good, clean porn.

We're living in a liberated, democratic society.

Well, it's supposed to be. Get a shot of it. Now, where's your tie?

The ID.

Terry? Yeah? Oh, it's a mate of yours here, Reggie. He wants a word.

Reggie is? Yeah.

He's in the back.

I'll just look after these, all right?

Excuse me.

Pardon. Sorry.

Excuse me.

Many thanks.

Morning, Mr Daly.

Unexpected honour, innit?

I wondered if I might have a word. Leave it out. It's a bit inopportune.

On the bride's side or the groom's side?

Get in, smart arse. One of your friends wants to talk to you.

Bit of a hard bastard, are you?

I've been known to go a bit.

grow with food celestial free.

Right, okay, that's lovely. Just hold it like that. That's lovely.

Just a bit closer together.

That's very good. I like that.

You've been laughing, Liz. Really laughing. Come on.

Okay, right. Now...

That's great. Perhaps we'll have a few group shots now, eh? Yeah, immediate

relatives and family. That is immediate relatives and family of the bride and

groom. Daryl's mother and dad, over by the groom.

Malcolm, dear lady, over by the bride.

Graham, Graham, over there.

And Speedy and Detective Constable Ashmore.

No, carry on.

I don't know what you want, Mr. Ashmole, but if you are immediate family, I'm

filing for divorce.

I'm trying to contain my patience, Mr. Daly, which, under the present

circumstances, I'm finding very difficult.

I'm still waiting to have a word.

What, now? Now.

That heart is my niece's wedding. Can't it wait till after the reception?

If I get on the blow, Mr. Daly, which I'm of a mind to do, there'll be a squad

of cars converging on his church from all points of the company.

Your niece, her hubby, and the rest of these good people will be continuing the

festivities down the nick.

What am I going to tell them?

Tell them anything you like.

But you and me are off to have a chat, all right?

All right, come on.

We'll get a bit more red light.

Well, for your moment, there's been a slight hiccup over flight departures.

gentleman's from the travel agency. Carry on, Dave.

You got all the photos you want?

No, no, don't you write it, Mr. Daly, Mr.

Ashmole. For starters, you can explain what right you have, or think you have,

to arrest me in front of my immediate family and friends.

And you'd better have just cause, Mr. Ashmole.

Otherwise I'll have your superiors down on you like a ton of wet concrete.

Don't lose it, bottle. There is nothing wrong with my bottle.

My conscience is clear.

Is it? Crystal!

Forgive me for saying so, but you must have a very short memory, Mr. Daly.

May I be allowed to jog it for you?

Don't two packing cases full of obscene publications ring any bells at all?

Obscene publications?

Two packing cases full. The ones your sidekick has been upping round all

in a vehicle disguised as a bridal limousine.

That is a bridal limousine.

Oh. You do admit then to a knowledge of possessing this obscene porn?

They're not all that bad.

A bit fruity, yes.

Fruity? It's... It's downright degrading, disgusting filth.

And you're conveying it, not only on the public highways, but parking it outside

House of God.

That's not only handling obscene publications daily, it's sacrilege to

You're for the eye job.

Look, Mr Ashmole, I can stand a bent copper, but what I can't stomach is when

they're holier than thou.

All right, all right, what's it going to set me back?

Are you trying to bribe a plainclothes officer, Mr Daly?

Look, I know you, Ashmole, you know me.

Normally I wouldn't give you a brass filing.

Come on. How much am I in stock for?

Dealing an obscene porno muck.

You could get six months.

Come off it. Get any of them books in a dozen shops in Soho.

A hundred pound fire would be about the worst. And a good till is it. It would

get me off.

Now, you set me up for this.

You nobbled me at a time of maximum embarrassment and inconvenience.

All right.

Fair enough.

You win.

Justice once.

You are trying to bribe me, Mr Daly. How much?

How much you got?

Uh, the photographer's finished taking the photographs, Mr Daly.

Oh, I'll be there in just a jiffy, Michael.

Just lobbing this gentleman a surcharge for the airfares.

Right.

I'll be honest with you, Mr Ashmore. I laid out 250 million books. I'm opening

to unload them for 500.

I'll give you two and a half and forget my profit margin.

250 quid to pervert the course of justice.

That's all I got on here. I'm not going to handle with you. It's a take it or

leave it job.

I'll take it.

Listen, he ought to see a quack he can do with some stitches.

You're his medical consultant, are you?

Keep your face shut.

I'm not able to organise a piss -up at a brewery. Well, we haven't all got your

managerial expertise, are we?

Daryl, Trina, you should have gone off in the leading car.

You'll be first at the reception, receive the congratulations and be

dead. He won't take it.

He says he's waiting for you.

Mr Daly?

Who are you?

Relief driver, Mr Daly.

Relief driver? Where's my man, Terry?

Gone on in front. I'm driving you and you, Mr Ashmole.

Me? Yeah. Mr Grantley did mention that he'd be obliged if you pop along as

This motor has been specifically earmarked. Who is this Mr Grantley? And

about a bride and groom?

I'd do as he says.

Get in, Mr Daly.

I wouldn't argue.

Who is this Grantley? Is he one of your lot?

No chance.

Fine, fine, fine.

No problems, everyone. Just a slight revisal of our previous itinerary.

Now, I shall be journeying in this vehicle with Mr Ashmole.

Daryl and Trina, you make your way to the Birkdale rooms in Malcolm's car.

Oh, Beatty Maud, you came in Malcolm's car, didn't you? Well, do you think you

could squeeze in on the way back with one of the bridesmaids and Dot and Cole?

Dave, you can get a bus.

Has the other bridesmaid any rooted objection to travelling to the Birkdale

rooms on the back of Russell's moped?

Get in, Mr Daly.

Anyway, sort things out the best you can. I'll see you at the reception.

Lovely. Great.

Do you think we can have a smile now?

Oi, oi, oi, driver, you're going the wrong way.

Birkdale Rooms is in the other direction.

We have to pay a visit first.

Mr Grantley wants to see us.

Who is this Mr Grantley?

Who's Mr Grantley?

He's the top man, isn't he?

Right, Mr Ashmole.

Top man in what?

Villainy?

Villain?

Is that what you called me, Mr. Daly?

No, no, I was speaking figuratively.

I mean, speak as you find, innit?

I call that a case of right boot being on the wrong foot.

Think about it, Mr. Daly.

You were found to be in possession of property that legally belongs to me.

Yeah, but I didn't know they'd been nicked. Did you ask if they'd been

What? Not in so many words, no.

No, look, Mr Groning, I honestly thought they'd fallen off the back of a lorry.

And did you also think that the comics and country lives had jumped up on the

back of the lorry?

I don't know anything about comics and country lives.

It's been tried before.

Lorry weighs out at customs, weighs in at the warehouse, the weight's the same,

the load's just that little bit different.

Yeah, I'm sure there's been a simple misunderstanding.

Not a misunderstanding, Mr Daly, a criminal offence.

You have the temerity to call me a villain.

No, it's a slip of the tongue.

You're the miscreant, Mr Daly.

You're the criminal.

I'm the innocent, upright, injured, law -abiding citizen.

Is that why you use these tow rags to do your dirty work?

Business executives, Mr McCann. The business world is dog -eat -dog.

It's up to me to ensure that my dogs are big enough to eat and not get eaten.

Yeah, well, they must have had terrible difficulty sizing up the opposition when

they picked up Reggie. Thou shalt not nick, Mr. McCann, because if thou dost,

thou shalt get thy knuckles wrapped.

Didn't they teach you that at Sunday school?

Didn't anybody ever teach you that knocking out porno magazines doesn't

make you whiter than white?

There you go, Mr.

McCann, like your colleague, Mr.

Daly, jumping to conclusions.

I do not knock out porno magazines.

Don't you?

Right boot, wrong foot syndrome again.

You knock out porno magazines.

My business is whiter than white.

Waste paper?

I don't dabble in scrap metal, but I'm more of a dilettante in scrap metal.

Put it this way, if I was going on mastermind, waste paper would be my

specialised subject.

Sir, all these porno mags are down at the U for waste.

Right. You're not going to pulp them up.

Right again, Mr. Daly, I'm not. You're going to pulp them up. I'm going to

you do it. I don't understand. If you're going to pulp them into waste paper,

why couldn't you make do with the comics and the country life?

Render unto Caesar, Mr. Daly.

Pardon?

Country life belong to you, the dirty books are mine.

To each his own.

Do you know what this lot's worth?

Not a lot.

Over -issued, Pam.

Five quid, a hundred weight.

Do you get a lot of this coming in?

A couple of lorry loads a month.

A couple of... Look, Mr. Grantley, if you and me done a deal, I could make you

fortune. I've got a fortune.

Yeah. Well, you could have another one for a rainy day, couldn't you?

Do you know what I could get for these on the open market?

About three years with remission for good behaviour.

These publications are the property of Her Majesty's government.

Obscene literature, Mr. Daly. Published on the continent.

Confiscated at their port of entry by the obscene publication squad.

You and your accomplices were responsible for nicking naughty books

already been nicked at Dover by the police.

You never mentioned that to me.

Never knew me so, Father.

It comes to me on government contract.

And have you got a government contract for these two bob bully boys to go

putting themselves about, eh?

It's a hard world, Mr. McCann. I've an image to preserve.

Hey, talking of images, where do you fit in in this jigsaw, Mr. Ashmole? I mean,

you're not with the obscene publication mob.

Mr. Ashmole got wind of the fiddle my driver was working.

And in his off -duty hours, unbeknown to his superior officers, Mr.

Ashmole's been working a little fiddle of his own.

Yeah, like the 250 green ones he fiddled off me.

Mr. Ashmore will be towing a straight and narrow line in future beginning now

handing back your two and a half.

I have overhead, Mr. Daly.

I've had three highly paid executives on this one. They have to have their

wages.

I hate leaving Phil Flatness around over the weekend.

You never know what dirty, evil -minded so -and -so might try to get his hands

on it.

Gentlemen, shall we make a start? I'm sure we've all got things we want to get

away and do.

Get in.

I've told you before, pick on someone your own size.

Putting your name on the list.

I'm putting my name top of the list.

You in or out?

In or out of what?

Listen, Grantley, I think this is a one -to -one situation, don't you?

I mean, you don't want your executives mixing it with a copper, do you? Even

as bent as him.

Could cause some terrible complications.

That's well observed, Mr. McCann.

Come on, you toe rag!

You are not going to believe what happened to us.

Only had it nicked, didn't we?

Left it for two minutes, went into a little sweet shop, got a packet of

came out, then it was gone.

I mean, the CID deserve a medal for getting it back quite so quickly.

Terry.

What? Oh, Terry.

What, what? He deserves two medals.

They parked it up this cooler taxi, these yobbos, then made a run for it.

Terry goes after the big one, flying tackle.

Twickenham wasn't in it. Look, are you going to talk all day or are you going

get them to Gatwick?

No, no, no, you are my son. Come on, my darlings.

What do you mean, I?

Have a lovely time.

Put your foot down, my son, you'll make it.

I'm going to put my foot down one of these days.

Get out of the way.

Well,

as the poet said, all the world ends up all right.

Right people, right time Just the wrong location

I've got a good idea

Just you keep me near I'll be so good for you I could be

so good for you I'm gonna help you Love you like you want me to I do

He's so good!