Original subtitles

Fonke, you're late again.

It's only 30 minutes.

If this is early by African time, you should be congratulating me instead of

complaining. Well, this is London and late is late.

Take it easy.

Stop stressing.

Fonke, I've had a letter from the government. This is serious.

Yes.

From the government.

Is it about my immigration status?

No. They've brought up a new regulation which says any employee who handles food

and drink has to pass a first aid course and exam or they're unable to work.

Oh.

Well, good thing there are no employees in the cafe.

Then what are you?

Tony, your business partner now.

Funke, I am the owner of this business and you are an employee. And what's

an employee who is always late.

Now you have to pass this first aid course.

Look. I already have a first aid certificate.

Really? Yes.

Where is it?

In Lagos.

Look, I got it from the National Girl Guide.

Yes.

First Lagos company.

Funke, having a badge from the Girl Guide doesn't count.

We are talking about a certified national British certificate in first

have a week to pass this course or it's bye -bye, Funke.

One week?

The Banjos.

Look at all the bills that are overdue. I am just toying with them. Don't worry.

I will hit them all with money, bit by bit.

Each month, we have enough to make sure we can pay the bills.

But each month, because of your squandering habits, we come up short.

So I'm getting the blame. When you are the one spending money on shoes and bags

on E Street Market, I'm doing my best to support everyone.

Bye, y 'all.

All you do is waste money on get -rich -quick scheme.

And as it works, no... Get -rich? Get -rich -kini? What are you talking about?

Last month, was it not a lottery sketch card? You spent £150 and won nothing.

Zero. Zero, zero, zero.

The man in the betting shop said I had a one -in -four chance of winning. How am

I supposed to know that all of my £150 will not win a single penny?

What about the phone card business?

And let's not forget the fake land in Leckie disaster.

Oh, Gladie. Gladie, must you always be a messenger of the past?

Bayo, we need to cut back. At this rate, we won't be able to afford Shadi and

Toby's tutor.

Okay, okay. Yes, you are right.

So what do you suggest we start with?

Well, I have changed our electricity supplier.

£750 a month.

Oh, that's good.

Very good, very good.

I have put a call bar on the telephone, so no more expensive phone calls to

Nigeria. Get yourself an international phone card, everybody else does.

Gladdy, well done.

My CFO, Chief Financial Officer of the Adebanjo family.

I give you absolute authority.

Cut back on any bills that you can.

You do? Of course now.

With all this money that you are saving, we may have enough money for the family

to go on holidays to Nigeria.

Then you'll be happy to know I have cancelled your Sky Sports package. What?

My Sky Sports package? Radis, no!

Bayo, are you trying to tell me that watching Premiership football is more

important than your children's education?

Yes! I mean, no, yes!

Radis,

this is more important than life or death.

Watching Sky Sports is the only relaxation I get. You cannot do this to

It has been done.

What is more important to you?

Sky Sports or Sade and Toby?

Sky Sports or Sade and Toby? Sky Sports or Sade and Toby? Okay, okay.

Come to me.

It's done.

Today is a bleak day for mankind.

Shadi, you must do the test for me.

So, Auntie, you only need to get four out of twenty and you can't even do

Look, it's not that I cannot.

It's just that they were tricking me with the questions.

So, look, look at this book.

And do the test for me.

And what am I going to get out of this?

The question is not what you are going to get, but what you will not get.

If you do the test, you won't get the bottom of my shoes on your head.

Uncle, that's like so not fair. I mean, I should at least get something.

Okay, okay, okay.

I know what I will do.

The next time you tell your mum and dad that you are going to the library, I

will not let them know that.

You actually were going to see your boss.

Okay, friend.

Auntie, that's blackmail.

At least it's something.

No, you just sit down and do the thing. Use your head, Daria.

Okay.

Auntie.

This is the last question now. All we need to do is submit and let's see what

got.

What did you... Eh?

What did I get?

Congratulations, you got 16 out of 20!

Yes! Yes!

Yes,

yes, yes, yes!

I knew it! I knew it! I knew I could find a way! Yes!

Nobody can knock Funke down.

Aunty, there's more.

It says, due to your high increase of results, you've been selected

to take part in a practical exam to demonstrate your knowledge.

So, what does that mean?

It means because you did so well, they want to see it in action.

Sade, what have you done?

What have you done? Why did you do so well? You told me to.

Look, I told you to pass, not to solve.

You only needed four points. And then you were showing off. Now I have a

problem. Well, I'm sorry. I'm so fantastic.

I did so well.

So you should be.

How am I going to demonstrate my first aid skills when I don't even have any?

They say they're going to come to your place of work.

To the cafe?

What am I going to do?

What am I going to do?

Oh, my God.

Oh, yes.

Maybe I can ask Tony to pretend to be me.

Yes.

Yeah, Auntie, that's not going to work.

I have to think of something, Sade.

Ah, can you smell that sweet aroma in the air?

Oh, it is the smell of my wonderful wife.

I have to go. Bayo is romancing me. Oh, Bayo, I paid for me. Of course, now,

only the best for you. I also got you the finest Belgian chocolate.

Oh, Bayo, I don't remember the last time you romanced me like this.

It was when you wanted... Wait, hold on.

Gladys, must you be a messenger of the past? Can I not romance my beautiful

wife? Look, I got you this chocolate and flour. I also booked you a table at

Mama Africa.

Oh, bye. I'm so sorry for being suspicious.

Let me go and put something nicer on for the meal.

Dad, did you convince mom to get the Sky Sports bag? Shut up.

So that's what you wanted?

So, Bayo, football is more important than me. Yes. No.

Look, Gladys, it's the big game on Sunday and I want to be able to watch it

home instead of listening to it on FM radio.

Please, please, please.

Don't cancel the sports channel.

Bayo, you are such a calamity.

Football is cancelled and will remain cancelled.

Toby.

I was nearly there.

One more evening of romance and I would have had my Sponsor Channel back. You

ruined the whole plan.

Dad, that was never going to work.

Sadly, women are a lot smarter than that.

You're this small, but what do you know about women?

I know more than you think.

To get a woman to do what you want, you have to use reverse psychology.

Reverse what?

You have to make her think you don't want to watch football and that she

to be more involved in her life.

That is the most stupid thing I have ever heard.

So you want me to tell her that I don't like football and then she will give me

back this post -channel? Oh, my God. No wonder you are failing at school, coming

up with such nonsense.

Dad, dad, hear me out.

What you do is be in her space 24 -7.

That way you will annoy her so much... She will whip you were watching football

and out of her way. I see.

Make her sick to death of me. I can do that.

I know you can.

When I am watching football, I'm not a problem.

I'm out of the way.

No football, and I am a nuisance. See?

See? This idea can actually work.

Well, Dad, I know. So, um...

How much am I getting paid for my advisory services?

Paid? You are lucky you are not getting a dirty slap for ruining my previous

plan. Listen Toby, your idea is very appreciated, but I had a similar plan

anyway.

Time for Bayo to do the reverse of psychology.

Explain it to me.

You managed to get 15 out of 20, and now they want to send an inspector to come

here. Yes.

They were so impressed with my performance.

They probably are coming here to congratulate me.

Congratulate you? Funke, they are coming here to investigate you. Like me, they

want to know how you improved so miraculously.

Study. I studied hard.

Look, Tony, don't worry. Look, I've got it sorted.

Inspector, here.

Look at that man.

What?

How are you going to manage to pass the practical?

Oh, Tony.

Yes, with my charm and the fresh funky food.

Funke, you cannot rely on your food and your fish all the time.

Anyway, good luck. I'll be back in a sec. I've just got to see a man about a

dog. Yeah, watch me.

Hello, excuse me.

Excuse me.

Hi, lovely Bobo.

Would you like some of Phunket's fabulous food on the house? That would

great.

I've heard how fine it is.

Hello, excuse me.

from a very fine woman.

I haven't seen you here before.

Well, I have important business here.

I see.

Excuse me.

Why can't you wait your turn?

Can't you see I'm busy with the customer?

You said you were on an important business?

Yes, that's right.

Excuse me.

I've been waiting here for 10 minutes waiting for a cup of coffee.

Wait another 10 minutes.

What is wrong with this girl? Do you know what?

You are really rude.

My job is this.

What is your concern here now? What is your concern? I beg.

Leave. Come out.

I ain't leaving.

You are looking for my trouble now. You are looking for my trouble.

I will give it to you. I told you.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, Mama Ali.

What? I could leave, but if I leave, that means I'm going to have to fail you

your first aid exam.

Huh? You?

The inspector?

Yes.

If you are the inspector, who are you?

I'm an estate agent, sweetie.

Now, how's all that fresh fish?

Ooh, free fish.

Free food. Free.

Does this place look like a charity shop?

Go.

Come on.

That's enough. I've had enough.

Can I have my coffee now?

Shut up about this young... Go.

Can we get back to the inspection?

Or I will fail you.

trying to help.

Is that dirty thing?

I have not used this in 10 years.

I have been so busy watching that television, it's taking up too much of

time. You are messing up what I just cleaned.

Potato, I am only trying to help.

Just leave me alone, Bayo.

what you call a recovery position?

Yes. It depends on what you are recovering from.

Malaria, tobacco, hangover.

Okay, okay.

Um, last question, yeah?

I have a small wound on my wrist.

Ah, sorry.

No, no, no.

Please apply the bandage

appropriately.

Does that very clearly look like a Murray?

What? Yes.

You need it tighter.

No, no.

Oh, okay.

You see, this is how we tight bandage in Lagos.

It's cutting my circulation.

I'll tie him, Franky, before he fights.

But if he faints, I will put him on the recovery plan. No, no, it's okay. It's

okay. No, no, no. It's fine.

It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Look.

Look, I'm sorry, Funke.

You scored one out of ten.

Eh, but I scored one.

At least I tried.

But that was for putting down your name.

Sorry, you failed. You can't work here.

Huh? What do you mean I cannot work here?

Surely you've already been hit. What?

This woman is a danger to society.

Ah, no.

Tony, do something.

There's nothing I can do, Funke. You can't work here anymore. Ah!

I can work,

please. Tony, do something now.

Look at it properly. I can't do it now. I can't do bandage.

I do it.

Tony.

Stop.

I love these Nollywood things.

Such a captivating performance.

Can you please keep quiet? I'm trying to watch this.

Why don't you switch off that television and let's do some talking? I have come

to the realization that we should do more communications.

Not now, Bayo.

Well, Gladys, I am here for you. I want you to know that I am willing and ready.

I know you are here, Bayo. I know, and I will be here from now on.

Actually, you know, I have seen this film before. That guy, he does juju, and

then he dies in the end. That's it.

That's enough, Bayo.

Ever since the first channels have been cancelled, you have not left me alone.

Interfering with my films, eating chicken, and just being a right

If you having those channels means I can have some peace and quiet, then you can

have them.

Gladys, you surprised me. So you want me to have the channels back again?

Yes, you can have them.

Fine, if you insist.

But, Gladys, you know these Nollywood channels that you are always watching?

What are you saying?

Well, since we are talking about cutbacks, why don't you cancel that

channel? After all, what is more important?

Nollywood channel or our student education?

I will call them to return this guy's post package.

It's a very good suggestion.

The reverse of psychology.

Yeah.

You see? He dies in the end.

I can't believe it.

It's really over, Funke. There's nothing I can do.

Oh, Tony.

I know.

Let me just try again, you know?

Funke, the inspector's choking on the fish.

Tony, oh, you know what you're doing. You passed the test.

No, I didn't. I got someone else to do the exam for me. What?

I did it. I did it.

I don't know. What can I do to repay you?

Yes, well, you can start by giving me a pass

in my first test.

Okay.

I suppose you did save my life.

I actually know what I'm doing, yes. You do, you do.

There you go.