Original subtitles

Funke, a little help, please?

You're doing all right by yourself.

Funke, am I paying you to work or to sit on their website all day?

This website is amazing.

It allows you to connect to your old flames.

Big deal.

Big deal. Big deal.

With this website, I can find out if they have jobs or they're married.

How do you know they're not lying?

Why would they lie?

It says here you're a successful businesswoman living in Chelsea.

And who's that picture of?

That is me.

You 15 years ago.

Oh, Tony.

You see, my friend that day...

He's now a big -time oil consultant.

He'll be coming to London this week.

That is a sign.

Sign of what?

He must be my husband.

Hi,

my dear Funke.

It will be a pleasure to take you up on your offer for you to treat me to a

dinner in London tonight.

I look forward to seeing you and restoring our loving friendship that we

years ago.

And from your picture, it looks like you haven't changed one bit.

Yes!

I got him.

I got him!

Well, fine, Kay, this will be a first. You've taken a man to dinner.

Tony, at this stage of my life, I need to change my tactic.

First... You rope him in.

And then you hook him.

And then, I will take his money.

I will take his money.

But I don't care.

Funke, what are we going to do with you, eh?

And where is this five -star restaurant you're going to take him to?

Five -star?

I'm bringing him here.

To the cafe?

You can't bring him here.

Yes, I know it is a small, wretched cafe.

My nature told him so. It's not wretched.

And you can't bring him here, because I'm going to date here.

When? Tonight.

Now I know my enemies of progress.

Which is all the more reason I need you to clear off and leave me and my date

alone. Or does my love life mean nothing to you? Look, forget about you. What

about my love life?

Years and years and years of desperately searching for husband.

And it is you, Tony. It is you who is standing in the way of my riches.

And what about my years of desperately searching for love and being let down

being heartbroken and listening to Adele? And how you... Funke, stand in my

to love.

Look, you better tell this woman that she should come another day. It's not as

if she's missing anything anyway.

This is her only day off, Funke, and my only opportunity before someone else

comes and steals her heart. You change your date till tomorrow.

Tomorrow, call tomorrow, Nii. Tomorrow.

What time's your date coming?

It's coming at 5.

6 .30 Nigerian time.

What about yours?

She's coming at 9.

which is 8 .30 English time.

OK, OK.

I'll have my thinking wig cap on.

Yes.

I'll have my date between 6 and 8 o 'clock.

Now, you can have the cafe from 8 .30 onwards.

Hmm, I'm not sure.

Sure or not, I'm still having my date.

Do you promise she'll be gone before she arrives?

Of course, now. I only need 30 minutes to bag him.

And I'll have him eating out of my fingers.

Deal?

You got it.

Now, let us make this place look presentable.

Trying to cook? Take that dirty thing out of my kitchen.

This is Toby's new bike.

New bike?

Yes. This thing looks as if you got it from the rubbish skip. That's because I

did. Remember that old building site near Peckham High Street?

Yes.

Well, I found this poor bike amongst all the old rubbish and I thought of our

son.

You saw this bike and you thought of your son?

Shame did not catch you when you brought it home.

Gladdy, it's in perfect working order.

Where's the wheel?

Good as new. All I have to do is just give it a quick rub down, attach the

wheel, buzzer, carry go.

And you think Toby is so stupid he won't clock on?

Gladdy, this is our song we are talking about, eh? Oh, do you want to buy a

brand new bike? Do you know how much that one costs?

This way we show we are loving, caring parents, and we save a bit of change.

Now, just play along, my dear. Let me fix this up sharp, sharp.

Bayo, you are such a cheapskate.

I measured you.

You see, Potato?

Just like brand new.

It does not look any better, even with all the fandangos.

It's all in the selling of it. It's all in the selling.

You will notice a thing.

Toby! Toby!

Come here.

Dad, is that bag for me? Of course!

Your mum and I saw this brand new bag through a shop window and we thought it

would be a great treat.

For our wonderful son.

Your father saw this in the shop window and thought it was a good treat for you.

But, Dad, you never get me anything. I mean, he can never afford it.

Toby, don't be like your mother and always be a messenger of the past.

This is a new year, new day, new moon, new focus.

New bike.

Boy, it looks a bit worn out.

It is rustic.

Rustic bike.

You know, the way those jeans with holes inside.

You know, all those old... clothes still looking new.

This, you have to fit it into your surroundings.

Rusty. That's pretty cool.

Besides,

I had to ride this all the way through a storm to get it here. That's why it's,

you know, it's a bit bent and, you know.

It's been sunny all day in Peckham.

Yes, but I had to ride it all the way from Hackney. You know, English weather,

always changing, switching.

So, can I ride it to the cafe and show off? Of course you can. Just be careful.

You know, the seat is a bit wobbly. Okay.

Can I go?

Toby Wiggins.

Wiggins Toby.

You are such a calamity. But our son is happy.

Dad, the car is kind of flat.

Manage it. Manage it, Joe.

So, Auntie, tell me again why I'm helping you make this place over.

Sade, I told you, Tony and I have got a date.

You and Tony?

Together?

No,

separately. We've got two separate dates today.

Thank God, because that would have been gross.

So look at what Dad got me. A brand new bike.

This doesn't look new to me.

Auntie, it's the new rustic look.

It's a new trend.

Plus, Dad got caught in a tropical storm on... Rustic?

Yeah, it's actually really expensive.

Really? Wait, so Dad...

goes out and spends all this money on you, and he can't even pay for my

Brazilian weave.

My friend, take this thing out of this place.

Look, it's making the floor dirty. Take it out.

I helped you tidy this place. We're trying to clean it. But, Auntie, I...

bother me, doll. Take it out.

It's dirty. Look at the floor. It's making it dirty now.

See, Auntie, this is what I'm talking about.

Favoritism. They treat him like he's a...

Chosen one. And I'm just some unwanted stepchild.

Shadi, didn't your parents buy you a brand new laptop?

Yeah, but auntie, that's a laptop.

I'm talking about Brazilian, Peruvian weave.

I mean, you of all people should understand. It's just ridiculous.

Well, I will get you the bloom to sweep this place.

So, Sade, like my new wheels?

You really like rubbing it in, don't you?

You really like to be jealous.

Jealous? Of you?

Please. I just want what's rightfully mine.

Well, in our African household, the woman has to listen to the man of the

And seeing as I'm second in line for the Ade Banjo Kingdom...

Really? Second in line?

Why don't you come here and I'll show you some respect?

Oh, yeah?

Okay.

Okay.

Oh! Oh! I'm real!

Say sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Oh, my God! I'm sorry!

Hey, everyone.

Hey,

Megan. Hey, Megan. Is my bike outside?

There is no new bike outside.

Oh, dear. It's right there.

Well, I didn't see anything.

Dad got him a new bike and he won't even buy me Brazilian weave.

I mean, seriously?

How?

Oh my days.

My bike's gone.

Dad is so going to kill you. Dad won't find out.

He will when you're not riding around on those rusty wheels.

It's rustic, not rusty.

Whatever it is, it's not yours anymore.

I know.

Tell Auntie to check those cameras at Tony Park.

But everyone knows those cameras are fake.

What? Fake?

As Auntie always says, fake is cheaper and it does the same job.

That makes no sense.

Well, we are going to have to search the whole of Peckham until we find my bike.

Yeah, right.

That bike is long gone.

Not with two punctures and a bent wheel.

I can't have gotten far.

This is going to be so jokes. I'm going to watch you traipse around Peckham

looking for your rusty bike.

Me? You're coming with me.

Come on, man.

Hi, Funke. My long -lost friend. How are you?

Friend now, and much more later.

Funke, I must say that you look... Glamorous?

Different.

Let me tell you, there's no pressure.

I'm ready, willing, and available.

Slow down, Funke. What's all this nonsense?

Eh? I need to tell you something.

Lord, kill me, make a somersault on you.

Stop it. I'm warning you. Look, I need to tell you that... There is no need to

deny the truth.

I'm ready.

Now. Yes, yes.

Just stop it. I need to tell you that my wife is joining us for this dinner

tonight. Huh? Do you understand?

Your wife? My beautiful wife.

The one and the only one.

Well, let me introduce to you my beautiful wife. It's a pleasure to meet

Funky.

Who?

Ade's been telling me a lot about you.

It's always so nice to catch up with his less fortunate friends.

Shall we eat? Because we are very hungry.

So, Funker, where's your partner or is he not going to join us?

Sorry, I just forgot my jacket.

Yes, he will be joining us. Oh, darling.

Oh, I guess you were very late.

Yeah, you had to join us for dinner.

Oh, hello.

How do you do? How do you do?

This is my wife.

That's my husband.

I must

say, and with no disrespect to

Tony, I'm surprised, Funke, that you didn't marry a Nigerian man.

Nigerian men don't know when a good woman is sitting in front of them.

I think it's great to see that you're married, considering there are... So

desperate women out there.

And you'd be surprised how many women are after Addy just for his money.

And I assume with you, it's all love.

So, Addy, when did you and your beautiful bride meet?

Well, after years of working hard and making money, I just wanted somebody

useful with pay for life.

I mean...

We are men, Tony, and I can't see myself going with these single middle -aged

women. What is wrong with middle -aged women?

Oh, Funke, at least I can be frank with you. You are married. You know, these

single middle -aged women, they are just too desperate, too pushy, and, I mean,

too old for a man of my stature.

Let's raise a glass to the fact that that isn't us.

Funky, you glow.

Oh, what?

My pride is gone.

Oh, my God.

Is there any toilet around this place?

That way.

Baby, sorry.

Funky, how long is this going to last?

Remember, I've got a date here, too. Don't ruin this for me.

You can't talk to your wife like that.

I'm not your husband.

Look, don't you think I know that?

Look, just play along with them and they will go.

I don't think this will get any worse.

Well, I think it's time we left.

Yes, absolutely.

Oh,

darling. It's my favourite song. Oh, do let's have a dance before we go.

One. Okay, just for you.

And you should dance as well.

Come on.

Come on. You know you want to.

Isn't this so romantic?

It reminds me of the first dance at our wedding.

Does it do that for you?

Yeah, it takes us back.

Okay, how much longer is this going on for?

Tony, you're stepping on my feet.

I've got a date too, remember?

Just play along for a little while. It'll soon be over.

Now, they just do what they do.

Now, I'm going to put my head on your chest. Now hold me.

Squeeze.

Tony!

Mercy! What are you doing?

Mercy.

Five minutes before our date and you're with some woman.

And not just any woman. Your cook.

Mercy, please, I can explain everything.

Mercy,

please. I love you.

Honestly, I have no idea what's going on here.

It's like a Nollywood movie.

That woman wants to steal my husband.

Funky, I'm not your husband.

Of course he isn't. I should have known.

She is the desperate woman that we were talking about.

I did.

Yeah, Funke. You better protect this, your something.

Before I deal with her in the old -fashioned Funke style.

Oh, Poby.

How did it go? Don't even chat to me, Sade. You left me in Peckham on my one.

And the bike had just disappeared.

Dad is going to kill me.

How much do you think you paid for that bike?

Not a lot by the looks of it.

Although Monica did say those old rustic ones can be like £500.

£500?

My life is over.

Under no circumstances must Dad find out about this.

I'm going to find it.

Good luck.

This is Peckham, you know.

Someone's probably sold it on by now.

It could be halfway across the country.

But you know what?

I could help.

Really?

How?

Well, you know I'm in need of some new Brazilian weave.

You give me the money and I'll keep my mouth shut.

Zadie, are you trying to get money off me?

We all know I'm the only one who's allowed to blackmail this house.

I'm just trying to get a little something from the chosen one.

How did you put it?

The second in line to the Adebanjo kingdom.

You know, the man of the, I mean, baby of the house.

How you mean? I am a fully developed man.

And, um, you wouldn't dare say anything.

Wouldn't I?

Toby's lost his bike.

What? Surely.

Well, you have, haven't you?

Toby, you've lost the bike?

Look,

balance. Toby, balance.

After all the time and money I went through for that bike.

I drove through a tropical storm to get there, and you still lose it. Dad, I'm

sorry. I just left it outside.

Left it outside?

Who leaves a bike outside unattended in Pecan?

I'm so sorry.

So, Dad, about my Brazilian weave... Shadi, will you please stop talking

this Brazilian weave nonsense?

After all the money I've lost on Tubi.

You always spoil things for me.

Balance, you.

What's going on? What has Toby done?

Toby has lost the brand new bike that I bought him.

Come on, you are punishing the boy.

For a bike you fished out of the skiff.

Skiff?

Dad, you told me it was expensive. That it was rustic.

No wonder I've been itching all day sitting on that thing.

And you want to make me balance for a rusty bike.

Son, it's not about the money. It's about the responsibility.

You can't go on losing things that people have bought for you out of the

kindness of their heart.

Kindness of your heart? It's from a skip.

But my heart skip a beat.

Yo, yo, yo.

Kevin D in the place to be.

What's up, family?

Hello, Kevin.

You guys will never guess what my uncle got me.

Wait. He got me a bike.