Original subtitles

Cross the board.

Hit it.

Oh my days, man. From there. I don't even know, man.

What? Toby, man, you must be well excited your birthday's coming up, man.

any good ideas for your parents to get you? If I was you, I would definitely

this new fever, man.

Kev, I'm not excited at all.

I mean, presence in an African household, it's all dead.

Yeah, our parents are...

So focused on studying.

Studying. Studying. That all presents are related to guess what?

Studying.

That doesn't even make sense though.

Doesn't that get you like computer games or something for your PSP?

Mate, the only games that get me are like always four years out of date.

And they're so cheap that they forget to even take off the two for one price

tag.

How come you've always got the latest games?

I'm borrowing yours.

Oh yeah, I forgot about that.

Well, I need those back though.

Oh, you practically live here anyway.

Yeah, that's true.

Our parents' definition of present, instead of monopoly, we get crosswords.

And instead of DVDs, we get encyclopedias. And the worst, instead of

-selling novels, we get fountain pen and paper.

A fountain pen and paper?

So that we can write our own book.

What? And the worst of the worst is when they make all these promises and then

get us all excited and then nothing happens.

I'm still waiting for my Disneyland trip that Dad promised me.

Um, us.

Whatever.

Dad made the biggest promise this year, right? Yeah.

He said to me, check this, check this, for my birthday, he wants to take me to

go watch the Arsenal game.

I mean, look, I know he's not going to do it right, yeah, but he just wished

that one day he would live up to his word.

Arsenal? Really, Dad?

That's never going to happen.

Your dad wouldn't even take you for a kick about the field.

And, bruv, that's free.

I know my dad's tight, right, but I'm just hoping that he might just treat me.

As I said before, I'm still waiting on my Disneyland trip from over ten years

ago, OK?

The only way you're going to get to the Emirates is if you save up your own

money.

Tea for Toby!

Guess what?

It's your birthday coming up.

And I have a surprise planned for you.

Dad, if it's another fountain pen and paper and crossword and encyclopedia...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I promised to take you to the Arsenal game.

And I can confirm that this Saturday, this Saturday, I am taking you to the

game. What?

I really love this sponge cake, Sonke.

If you finish it, there won't be any left for the customers.

You and this, your cake addiction.

Please control your belay.

I can't help it. I just love the strawberry filling, the sponge, the

can have cake every day, I'll be the happiest man alive.

If you have cake every day of your life, you'll be the fastest man alive.

I thought you said African women like a big belay. It shows a sign of big

living.

Only if you have the money to match it.

And with you, it's a sign of greediness.

Well, I can't wait to taste the cakes in the afternoon in the competition.

Are you going to enter your cake? You might win.

Win what?

Are we going to be winning money?

No.

A car?

No.

Jewelry? Definitely no. But you might win a gift basket.

A gift basket?

Of what?

Kitchen utensils?

Kai, oh my God.

Insult upon injury.

So I will do all that wahala just for ordinary folk and I.

Think of the pride and joy you'll feel when your cake turns out to be the

winner. I am a winner.

Funke is a winner. Winner!

So I do not need you to take part in this, your silly, stupid... nonsensical

competition. Then you don't have to sign up. But there are plenty of customers

who are interested.

So don't say I didn't invite you to take part in Tony's big bake -off.

Not interested.

Gladie, you know it's your son's birthday coming up.

Yes, of course I know. She'll be the one that gives birth to him.

I've already bought him his new mat set.

Well, I may have mistakenly and purposely promised him that I

will take him to the Arsenal match for his birthday.

What do you mean you mistakenly promised him?

How much are the tickets?

200 pounds.

200 pounds? By you?

How can you spend all that money on football tickets when we have so much to

in this house?

Gladdy, that is why I need you to help me.

How am I going to persuade Toby about this ticket?

Why do you need my help? All you have to do is tell him yourself that you can't

get the ticket.

Daddy,

you are right.

There's no point in going to the game when we can just sit here and watch it

our widescreen TV and surround system.

Come on.

Hi, Dad.

I'll leave you to handle your business.

Hi, Toby.

Tobistic.

Tobastic.

Toby, there's something I wanted to say to you about

the Arsenal match.

Yes, I'm so excited we're going. It's going to be live.

Check this out.

Oh, Toby, that's very nice, very nice.

But, you know, you know that your father is a very hardworking man,

you know, and he tries to do the best for you.

I know, I know.

That's why I want to do something for you. Oh.

It's yours.

Toby.

Toby. You got this for me?

Yeah, Dad, I mean... Oh, but this is wonderful.

You mean you spent your lunch money on getting me this?

I saved it up just for you, Dad.

Oh, Toby, I'm touched.

I'm very touched, really.

Sincerely.

So, what did you want to tell me about the match?

Oh.

Oh, nothing.

Nothing. It's just that they are going to show it live and we are going to be

the front seat. So we'll be on TV. So you better bob your hair. Oh, for sure.

He shoots. He scores.

Guna.

Guna.

Guna. Yeah, I'm gonna.

Oh.

You wimp.

didn't tell him how can i tell him look at what he bought for me oh gladi don't

worry i will handle it

auntie i can't believe you're not

entering the cake competition your sponge cake would definitely win of

will but look at the prices

Some useless cooking utensils.

You're right. The prizes are rubbish. That's probably why no one's applied.

Peace be unto this cafe of glory.

Sister Funke, can I... But you have not even heard what I have to say.

We all know what you're about to say.

There is no free food.

Sister Funke, God is God.

He will forgive you for that abrasive mouth of yours.

That mouth is the reason why you are eternally seeking for a husband.

And this, your head, bald head that is sweating so much, is the reason why you

are eternally seeking for a wife. No, it is the cream of youth named peckham.

Anyway, I have you know, I am not here for food.

I am here to enter the cake competition.

I didn't know you baked, Pastor Michael. Oh, yeah?

I doubled in home economics.

And I'm in desperate need of some utensils. So I know God has given me the

victory.

Yeah, or you might win because no one else is entering.

Even better.

He will slay my enemies.

So I will be the winner.

The winner.

The winner.

Good news, everybody.

I've managed to find the new sponsor for the competition who's put up 500 quid

as a winning prize.

500 pounds?

500 pounds.

God has answered my prayers.

I have work to do. Guys, I'll check you later.

Tony.

Tony.

Tony, bye.

Tony, forget about what I said all that time.

I will enter my sponge cake for this competition.

It's bound to be a sure winner.

Too late, Funke.

Late? What do you mean late?

After all, the cake maker has not even applied.

Under new rules by the sponsor, no member of staff is allowed to enter into

competition. It is strictly for the community.

Community? What community?

Am I not a member of that community?

Rules are rules, Funky. You can't enter.

Shadi, I must enter this competition and win that money.

I need to buy new shoes and bag.

But, Auntie, you know what Tony said. Rules are rules.

Please, Shadi, you must help me.

What am I supposed to do? It's not like I can bake a cake for you.

Ah, Shadi!

I don't know. You're not just a pretty face with pretty nails.

There is a brain in there somewhere.

That is actually a good idea.

So are you sure you can get them on this?

I told you eBay is the place where you get the cheapest tickets, half price,

discount.

Are you sure you know what you are doing and how to use it properly?

Look, I have read many articles on this and I have signed up and I have an

account.

So all I need to do now is just put in my first bid.

Bid? I thought you were trying to buy tickets.

Oh, bloody.

You are such a technical novice.

Bidding is divine.

Ah, my shoe. Just leave all the technical lingo to me.

Thank you.

How much did I bid?

I bid 10 pounds.

10 pounds?

When are you going to get 10 pounds?

Look, first of all, you bid 10 pounds. But you can always go up to 80 pounds.

So when you go up to 80 pounds, you can get those tickets, you see?

Done that now.

Now... We can see if we can pick up those tickets.

Okay. Oh, man, I'll bang you seven there with a... Barney, man, you're terrible,

man. Yo, yo, can we see the place to be? What's up, Mrs. Anna?

Mr. Adibanjo. What you been up to, Dad?

Eh, nothing, you know, we're just watching some Nigerian news.

Mr. Adibanjo. Eh?

You're my idol, man. Eh? Nigerian idol.

No, just like my idol.

Oh. Oh, I mean...

What do you mean? I'm not going to lie to you, man.

When Toby told me that you got him the ticket, I didn't believe you.

But now that it's actually happening, I mean, I'm so impressed.

I mean, how did you get the ticket to the last game of the season? The big

match. You know, I am connected.

Yeah, told you my dad's connected. Whoa, man.

Mr. Eddie Banjo.

Can I sit down?

Is there any way that you could get me a spare ticket? I mean, I'll wash your

clothes. I'll clean your house.

Mr. Eddie Banjo, I'll even cut your toenails if that's what you want.

Do you have any money?

Well, no.

Well, you can watch on the TV like everybody else. Me and my boy are going

the game. Yes.

Oh, listen.

you boys run upstairs your mother and i have some important business to attend

to oh

no

the last few minutes it looks like we

have been upbeat why what's the new bidding price 500 pounds

Tell the boy the truth and let him down gently.

Oh, Gladys, what are we going to do?

Oh.

I take it you're here to try some tasty cake?

No, no, no, Tony.

I am here for matters of a much more serious nature.

This is about the Arsenal match on Saturday. Oh, I know, mate. I can't

so excited.

Last game of the season. Big championship game. We could win the

I hear you have tickets to the game. I do. I feel like the luckiest man alive.

Last game of the season. I would not miss it for the world.

Funke tells me you and Toby are also going to the game. Yeah, that's the

Just a small issue of where to get the tickets from.

Have you tried the box office?

Tried, no tickets left.

Website? Tried, they're too expensive.

eBay? Tried but failed miserably.

So, what are you going to do then?

That's why I'm here.

Tony, you're my last card.

I have nowhere else to get the tickets from.

So name your price for the tickets.

Bio, my tickets are not for sale.

Come on, Tony, that's not the right answer.

I'm sorry, bio, but my ticket, stay with me.

Pastor Michael, looking good.

Mmm. Mmm.

With nuts.

Almonds. Mmm.

Oh, cream.

My brother is like manna from heaven.

Looks like it took a lot of effort.

A piece of cake.

I like that.

What do you think, Funko?

Mmm. Yeah.

Manageable.

Nothing amazing.

Tony, the Lord will lead you and guide me to victory.

Lastly, Sade's cake.

Sade, you didn't tell me you could bake. Well, I don't. I mean, I do.

Tony, you didn't interrogate all the other contestants, so get on with it, my

friend.

Mmm. Actually, this is really good.

Oh, my

God.

Fantastic.

Oh, I love it.

I love it. You do?

I do.

Look, I do recognize good food, you know.

Tony, don't listen to that one.

All right, settle down.

I can now announce that the official winner of the cake competition is...

There's one more cake left to taste.

Dad! Bayo!

Brother Bayo?

Uh -huh.

You're lucky, Bayo. One more second or you'd have been too late.

Oh, my...

This cake is amazing.

It's taken me back to my childhood. I can see my grandmother slaving over a

stove. I can now officially announce that Bayo is the new winner.

Yay!

The winner. The winner.

The winner.

The winner.

Who got this cake?

Take it.

What?

Bayo, you got this from a shop.

You didn't make this cake, did you?

In the light of recent events, I can say that Bio is instantly disqualified.

Yes! And Sade is the new winner. No!

What kind of nonsense is this?

Sade, Sade, when did you become a cake cook?

Huh?

Did you make this cake?

Tell me the truth or else it's kabocha time.

Hmm.

Funke.

Huh? Funke, is this true?

What? Tony, what is it?

You made Sade's cake, didn't you? She did, didn't she?

Auntie, what should I say?

Shut up, Sade. You don't have to say anything.

Why are you hating?

So what if I help Sade to do a little bit?

You're disqualified.

Justice?

Please, now, please.

You are still disqualified, Bayo, so forget the justice.

And in the light of recent events, I can now announce, after the shambles that

this competition has descended into, that Pastor Michael is the new winner.

Eh? Eh?

Eh?

Glory be to God in the eyes. The Lord walk in mysterious ways.

Yes.

There is something I've been meaning to tell you for the past few days.

Now, I haven't been quite honest with you.

What do you mean?

Mom, what's that talking about? You go on now.

Well, you know that tomorrow is your birthday.

And I have...

something special for you.

And I know that I have often disappointed.

But the truth is, this time I have really tried.

And... Oh, Gladie, tell him.

Bayo, are you not the man of the house? Tell him, Joe.

Well... Toby!

Get what we have in six packs.

Out of cookies.

Thank you, Dad.

That's okay, my son. That's okay.

Oh, my God. How did you get those tickets?

Well, let's just say Karma took his turn.

When that Tony disqualified me, he got his reward by him falling sick after

eating so many cakes.

He could not attend the bachelor's.

So, I got the tickets.

Oh, my God.

For the first time since you have been in this house, this is the one good

you have done.

What can I do for you?

Well, about that rent situation.