Original subtitles

Fonke, my senorita, my sweet Bella, I cannot wait to be in the Isle of the

Fernandos! Tony, I don't want to hear it. Look, why is everybody getting so

TLC? Tender, loving, care, not sweet.

Oh, Fonke, my sweet petal, your prince charming is just around the corner.

That must be a very long corner, and I've been waiting for ages.

Anyway, I've got to go. Now, remember, Fonke?

I'm trusting you with a calf.

I want you to make sure that nothing happens to this vase.

It was a special gift from Mama, and I want to make sure that it's in mint

condition when I get back.

That's very easy. It's as easy as A, B, C. Exactly, which is why I've written

you a list of instructions.

Now, step A... Just make

sure you follow the instructions.

Now, remember, Fonke, I'm trusting you.

Don't make any trouble.

You mean trouble? Look, you don't know me at all.

Your cafe is safe in my hands.

My friend, will you balance well if your foot so much as touches the ground?

If I hear from Mr. Fonts again that you guys are misbehaving at school, I'm

sending both of you back to Nigeria.

Oh, sick.

Holiday in Nigeria.

It will be a one -way trip.

My neck is so stiff.

Yeah, bruv, tell me about it.

It's that annoying Mr Hunt.

He knows my dad gives beats.

That's why he keeps reporting me.

As if it had anything to do with us throwing eggs at students.

Shoot that again.

Balance!

You're an idiot, man.

If I'm an idiot, then you're a neek.

A what?

You know, a geek and a nerd put together.

Like, how do you keep getting caught out by Mr. Hunt?

Yeah, but that doesn't make him a neat.

Makes him dumb.

Whatever, man.

One of these days, one of these days I'm going to get him back.

100 bacon sandwiches.

Ordered.

Clean surfaces.

It looks okay to me.

Tony said I can pick up the sandwiches?

Aye, yes.

It's ready for you.

Wow, that was quick.

Of course now.

Don't you know there is a new landlady in town?

And with Funke in charge, you can expect nothing but perfection.

Thank you.

Bye.

Okay. Now, lock this place.

Wow, Aunty.

I see the place is still standing.

Sade, oh, ye of little faith.

Ah,

what do you expect? You expect the place to be run down to the ground?

Um, in case we charge.

Auntie, last time you were in charge, we had the church sisters fighting over

the moe moe portion.

And then there was a time we had to swim out of here because you filled the

place with cooking oil. Not forgetting the time when the police were called

because of the break -in.

Shadi, no.

How was that my fault? You were the one that broke in.

Oh, Shadi, why are you thinking like a broken record?

Okay, Auntie, if you say so.

See you later.

Bye.

Okay.

Hi, Funke.

Where's Tony? I need to check the electric.

I am one step ahead of you, mate.

All ready for you.

There you go. That is the report.

Wow. Tony never has this ready for me.

You see?

Because Funke is now in charge.

Funke, I think I like it when you're in charge.

I do.

You okay? Yeah, my guy.

I see you're handling things well without Tony. At least somebody

all my efforts.

Well, Auntie, Mom sent us to come and collect the suit.

Oh, yeah.

Money now?

How can you charge us?

With family.

But I need to pay bills.

Wait, doesn't Tony pay the bills? Which Tony pays the bills?

Money, Joe.

This is your chance.

This is your chance to get him back. Right.

Time to make up for that stiff neck.

Go into the toilet. Go into the toilet.

Put something in his food. Put something in his food. Put like... Mustard.

No? Okay.

Vinegar.

What do you think of something there?

This is extra hot.

Lethal pepper sauce.

Bjarni's the only one that's ever survived that.

Put it all in.

Wait.

All round there. All round here. All round here.

The best idea you've ever... What

is going on here, boys?

There's no way you're getting away with this one, man.

What do you mean?

This was your idea.

My idea?

Looks like it's a one -way ticket to Lagos.

Don't worry, bro.

I'll write it to you. 10 pounds for life, man.

What do you mean? Will I even make it to Nigeria alive?

When my dad finds out, I'm going to be six feet under.

Don't worry, man. He'll probably forget by tonight.

And if he doesn't, shotgun on all your games.

What?

Definitely taking those games, man.

Hello?

Mm -hmm.

Mm.

Eh?

When?

Are you serious?

Oh.

When did this happen?

Look.

Toby. Toby.

Why didn't you tell me?

Eh?

I have been warning him.

Tobi. Tobi. Yes, sir?

Why didn't you tell me that Nigerian Idol was on?

Aren't you watching?

Who said that to you? Who would do that?

No one.

Not a word of a lie.

Look here, guys. Take your laughing somewhere else.

Why?

Tony doesn't have a problem with us chilling here.

Am I short?

Old? Big belly?

No. And my name is not Tony.

I am Funke.

And Funke says you should...

Get out of here. No.

You're disturbing me.

But we're having fun.

Why do you have to be so fussy?

Fussy? Me?

Fussy. Does this place look like your house?

Tony's been gone for one day and you are ruining the place.

Come on, Mike. Let's go. I never liked this place much anyway.

Let's just come and start.

Tony's back.

Tony would have killed me.

Tony, Funke has saved the day.

What will Obama do without Michelle?

What will good luck do without patience?

Now, what will this cafe do without Funke?

Well done, sister.

Well done.

Lock the safe.

Checked.

Clean my bath.

Checked.

Make sure oven is switched off.

What does he think I am? Stupid?

What he has not got on this list is funke. Now, you can have a well

-deserved nap.

OOF

What? Smell of a beauty queen.

Don't you ever go home.

Come on, brother. We need to look at these letters.

Looking for this?

Sorry. You've been going through my letters?

Just the school ones. And I stumbled across this.

Let's see what it says. Shall we?

Dear Mr and Mrs Adebanjo.

Please contact me at the earliest convenience to discuss your son's

behaviour. Give me that letter!

Let's see how long you can avoid the beating because you know mum and dad are

going to find out about this. It's just a matter of time.

No way.

I'm not getting caught by Mr Hunt again.

We got this on lock, innit?

That'll do.

Toby!

Put it on MTA news for me. I want to watch the news report.

Pay attention, everybody.

You might learn something.

Your mum still is twisting my stomach.

Put it on pause.

I want to go and use the toilet.

Toby, will you get that?

Everyone's going to get caught.

Delete it. I can't.

Where's the socket? It's around the back.

I can't find it.

I can't reach it.

Toby, what was that message about?

Ah, let me listen to... No, no!

You don't want to listen to it. It was about, uh... Debt collector.

Debt collector.

Uh... Uh... Let me just... Delete it.

Maybe...

The fire is gone now and the smoke will clear soon

What has happened now?

I was only asleep for one minute.

Well, you're lucky. It could have been a lot worse. That is why you guys should

do your job properly and make this place safe for me and the public.

Have you even worked out what caused the fire?

It appears the oven was left on.

And in my report, I'm going to have to report the cause of the fire as caused

negligence. In other words, laziness.

Which is bad news for your calf.

What sort of bad news?

It means you're going to have to shut the calf down until further notice.

What?

This can't be happening.

This can't be happening.

Not when Tony puts me in charge.

I've deleted the emails. And I've destroyed the letters.

And no new messages.

Hey, hey.

Don't jump on my chairs, man.

Looks like it's all clear.

Yes, man. We are in the clear.

Oh, man. She is terrible.

Toby. Yes, Dad.

Did you record my program?

Of course.

Ah, that's a good boy.

Couldn't ask for a better song.

And you too, Kevin. You're not bad.

Mr. Adabancho. Mr. Hunt.

I've been trying to get in touch with you all day.

You better start packing for Nigeria, bruv.

What are you doing?

I told you my boss is coming back tonight.

I need this place to be up and running.

You can't open for at least a week. It's not safe for the public.

Huh? Public? Who cares about the public?

My Tony is coming back tonight.

Listen, there is no chance.

What's that smell?

Fire. Smoke.

No, no, no. I know that smell. It's a different smell. It's familiar. I can't

quite... Do you know what that is?

It is...

Is that jell -o fries and peppered fish?

Jell -o fries!

That was mine and Caroline's favourite dish before she left me.

Oh, the memories and the emotion.

What I'd do just to go back and taste one more moment.

Oh, Caroline, how I miss you.

I'm sorry I'm like this, it's just...

i really miss her i think this can help you ease the pain hold on a second

if i help you you must help me

I am so sorry to come to your door like this.

But you've been incredibly difficult to get hold of.

Don't. I know the reason why you are here.

And I will make sure that I seriously correct the problem.

I mean, the boys are pleasant to teach, but their behaviour of late has been

very, very bad indeed.

And the latest antic...

directed at me personally, will just push things too far.

I don't know what is making them so unruly.

But today, today, I will beat the living deadlights out of them.

Oh, don't treat me too harshly. Eh?

Mr Hunt?

Too harshly? Too harshly? No, no, no, no, no. This is double harshly. Eh? For

what they have done to you?

For what they have done? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Well, it is my duty to let you know.

And it is my duty to beat the living deadlights out of them.

In fact, Mr. Hunt, may I suggest that you introduce Koboko

into the classroom system?

Koboko? Yes, Koboko.

What is Koboko? Ah, Mr. Hunt, Koboko equals discipline.

Koboko equals good education.

Yes! These days, you see a child in Tesco, in Sainsbury's, say, Mommy, pass

that. The child does not say please.

Koboko will fix the problem.

Very enlightening.

Yes. Koboko is too enlightening.

Anyway, Mr. Hunt, I want to thank you very much for coming to my home to talk

about this problem.

You have my email.

You have my telephone.

Any problem at all, please let me know.

Thank you. I will do. Thank you very much. And you know, you are always

into the Adebanjo household.

Yes,

as you can enjoy some jollof. Jollof? Yes, goosey.

Goosey? Pounded yam.

Pounded yam? Okra.

Okra.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you.

I hope you both know what time it is.

Oh, no.

No Koboko time.

That's right.

Koboko time.

Fetch me my Koboko.

Shadi, faster with the cleaning. Faster. Look, Tony will be here any minute from

now.

I don't want him to do anything about the fire.

Auntie, it will be a lot quicker if you help.

Tuck in your lips and use more of your hands.

Put away the burnt spots.

And put them under there. Just hide them there.

Oh, sweet home.

Okay.

Hello.

Hello, Shirley.

Hi, Tony. Bye, Tony. Got to go.

Tony.

How was your holiday?

Unfortunately, Fonke, I did not discover my true love, but I did find that my

real love was here.

After all, after all, it was the cafe.

Fuck!

Tony, things have been all right since you left.

Business has been good?

Oh, fire.

Yeah, it certainly looks spotless in here.

I wish you cleaned it like this normally.

Oh, hey, you...

I wouldn't need to now. Now you're here. Ah, well, it's good to be back.

So there haven't been any other issues? Oh, Tony.

I told you, there hasn't been any problems at all.

Perhaps I should go away more often then. I think you should go back.

Look, see, I can do the cooking. I can handle the cooking for the rest of the

day. Don't be silly, funky.

Anyway, I quite miss the cooking.

Hello, mate.

I left my helmet here. Grab it for us, would you?

What do you need a helmet for?

The fire that happened earlier.

What fire?

Fonke?