Original subtitles

What is this, Gadi? Guess what? Someone is getting jewelry.

Hey, today is my day.

You are buying jewelry for me?

No, I'm not buying you jewelry.

Bayo is buying it for me.

Bayo?

Are we talking about the same Bayo?

Buy her that could not give me five pounds for my birthright. Please buy me

me for our anniversary.

Auntie Funke, I don't know how I've put up with this man for all these years.

Well, with this my fine body, I don't know how I stayed single for more than a

month.

It's not easy.

Just do you think he has plans?

Last year he said he was going to be big.

Last year, he forgot.

Yes, I know. The year before that.

And also the year before that.

That is the problem with Nigerian men.

No romance.

Auntie Funke, I know.

But this time, I'm certain he's going to surprise me.

Surprise you?

I think maybe it's a trip to Paris or Rome.

I've always considered myself a cultured woman. A woman of sophistication and

pedigree.

Daddy, Bayo is not a cultured man.

You are not going anywhere past Peckham.

Pride, you are doubting Thomas.

I know my Bayo. He is a man of sophistication, a man of culture. He

perform. My sweet potato.

What is that sweet aroma in the air?

It is my wonderful wife.

It was fine with you, honey.

Can you clear out? I'm talking to my wife.

Potato,

you know that lately we have been so connected.

We are connected. We are together.

And for the last few days, I wanted to ask you something.

Which is very close.

CLOSE! To my heart.

I am close, honey, very, very close.

As you know, normally I don't do this sort of thing. As you know, I am a

traditional Nigerian man.

A strong, blessed man.

And we are now in the 22nd century.

Together, we are in it together.

And Nigerian men cannot come and ask their wives for this type of thing.

Anything.

Anything? Anything.

Anything at all? Yes, yes, yes. In the whole wide world? Anything.

Can you lend me 200 pounds?

I'll be pushing.

I can't believe you forgot.

One day, just one day, you can't even romance me.

When I clean the house, I don't forget. When I cook your food, I don't forget.

But one day, you forget.

Nonsense. So, can I have the money?

Daddy,

did you get the jewelry?

Not now, Auntie Funke.

What a workout.

Shade, you fashion guru.

See the spectacular dress that I bought for the big event.

What event?

Ah, Chistunde's Black Tie Gala at the Hilton Hotel.

Everyone will be there.

The eligible bachelor.

All the social life.

And of course, me.

Fabulous funky blondie.

Auntie,

are you wearing that?

You don't know me.

I will wear it.

And when I wear it, I will wiggle like this.

I'll find myself a husband.

But auntie, this is a size 12.

And you're a size... You don't know anything about fashion.

Look, you wear small sizes to tuck you in.

Or you pull those out.

Why don't you wear a size 18? Or at least something you can fit into. Look,

you wear a size 18, it is a slippery slope.

So...

Size 26.

If you want to wear this, you have to lose the extra baggage.

Nice.

Okay.

That'll be enough.

Maybe I can design you something. You know I want to get into fashion.

Wait right there.

Okay.

This isn't going to work.

You know what you're going to have to do.

What is it?

Anything.

You have to go on a diet.

Hey, Rachel.

Yeah, what's up, baby girl?

Yeah.

So, um...

You want to go to the roller disco with me?

Oh, okay, cool.

No, no, no.

I'm not going with Emma.

You know I'm feeling you, baby.

Cool, stay sweet.

That's one for me.

And that's how it's done.

Now for number two.

Hey, Emma.

Hey, what's up, baby?

Yeah, so, uh, you wanna go to the roller disco?

Okay, cool. Stay sweet, Rachel.

Uh, Emma.

That's two for me, and... Oh!

Where's your man?

Where is he?

Oh, nowhere.

Shut up, Toby.

No girl's gonna fall for your cheesy lies.

Anyway, I haven't got time for this rubbish.

Toby.

Has your mother said anything to you about our anniversary?

Nothing much.

Only that it was going to be the best day of her life. She was going to buy a

new dress.

Dad. Huh?

You haven't forgot again, have you?

Look, you've got to help me.

But you always forget.

So help me.

Okay.

Chicks like to be romanced, Dad. Okay, fine.

So how about...

You take her to a Gordon Ramsay restaurant.

Gordon Ramsay?

Does he cook pan de diam?

Oh, so you want me to waste my money on drinking mushroom soup with cucumber?

But it's a fancy restaurant. Fancy? I still have the electricity bill to pay.

OK, it was just a suggestion.

I've heard there are cheap tickets to Paris.

Paris? No, no, no.

Not with all these immigration problems.

Better be safe than sorry.

What about cheap and cheerful cinema?

Uh -uh.

You want me to go and spend ten pounds on cinema tickets when we can watch

movies on Freeview?

You see,

what am I supposed to do?

At least get us some flowers.

You've got to be romantic.

You've got to charm the ladies these days.

You've got to treat them sweet.

What do you know about romance?

See, Mr. Trabolo, you're the small boy.

Trust me, Dad.

I know more about romance than you think.

Maybe you're right about these flowers.

But, um, don't we have them in the garden?

Eight and a half don't.

Okay, auntie, it's your go.

Out of range.

What does that mean?

What is wrong with these stupid scales?

Auntie, try again.

Excess load.

I'm tired of all this nonsense.

I'm hungry.

Shadi!

What is wrong with you? Auntie.

I've already told you you can't eat this.

There's over 500 calories in the skin alone.

Do I look like I'm counting calories?

I'm hungry.

Sade, are you all right?

Auntie. You're not going to fit into your dress if you keep eating like this.

You've got to stick to the diet.

What kind of food can I eat on this diet?

All the celebrities are on it.

It's the eat small, live big diet.

Am I a baby?

What is this?

It's for auntie's diet.

Are you serious?

Oh, you are serious.

My potato.

My potato.

You know it's our anniversary.

Anniversary. Baby, I have something special for you. Special.

I know that yesterday you thought that I forgot.

But I was only playing tricks.

What's with you? What's with you?

What am I seeing? You brought me funeral flowers on our anniversary.

You don't like them? Is it the color?

Dearest Mary, our deepest condolences.

But the flowers to me, they were on special offer.

I tried.

Dad, when I said flowers, I didn't mean flowers from the local graveyard. Oh.

Come on.

You need to come better than that. Women these days, they're so unappreciative.

Does she know the effort I made in getting those flowers?

Just get her something nice that she wants and is useful.

Hmm.

Jeez, have I got to teach you everything?

You're ready.

You're ready.

Auntie, what are you doing?

I'm exercising.

What does it look like?

It's not that hard. Just follow the instructions.

Last time, follow the instructions.

How can I do this with my leg?

You have to find a different form of exercise.

A different exercise?

Baby, I want you to know that I have taken on board

all of your earlier comments.

And I want you to know that Bayo Adebanjo does

not quit.

When I saw this, I thought of you. I said, this is a perfect gift

for my potato.

This is a quality product.

Quality. You must treat it with respect.

Let me see. Let me see. They said the last one had gone. I had to drive all

way to another shop just to get it. It is a symbol of our love.

Now we can celebrate together as you cook pepper soup.

A blender.

I'll buy you. You have really outdone yourself.

Woman, can't you see all these efforts I'm making? I got you flowers, a

I don't need this useless gift.

All I wanted was one day where you quality me.

That's all.

If that is all you want, then I can quality you. Correct.

Come upstairs.

Shut up. Just let go of me. I'm going to prayer group.

Yo, Emma.

Rachel.

Nah, nah.

I wasn't calling you Emma.

I was calling them my mum.

Yeah, so tonight you and me are going to move to the next level, man.

I'm tired of just holding hands.

My chick.

What's that, babes?

Yeah, you're going to hook up with me later?

Yeah, man, I'm up for it.

I'll be taking my risk for you, baby girl.

I'll see you in a few hours, yeah?

I can't believe some poor girl has actually fallen for your crap.

When did you even start talking to girls?

Don't hate this.

I got skills.

Anyway, auntie is doing my heading.

I'm the one training and she's just moaning.

Sade, you're going too fast.

Sade, my leg is turning me up.

Sade, I'm hungry.

We don't get... anything done.

What's up with her? Always paying unachievable targets.

Yeah, like paying dad rent.

Check me out.

Check me out.

Speedy Gonzales in the building.

Come on. Let's go. Come on.

Let's go.

Oh my God.

Why did you take me on this marathon?

Auntie, we went across the road.

Do you want to kill me?

I can't take all this dieting.

You have to stick to the program.

I'm trying to help you fit into your dress.

Now, we have to do some push -ups to pull off.

Push -ups?

I want to lie down.

Slacking. Now, we're going to do 20 push -ups and 20 sit -ups.

Now, come on, Auntie. Say it with me.

Yes, I can.

No, I can't.

I need water.

I am dying.

Auntie, focus.

The dress.

The dress.

Yes, I can.

I can.

One.

Yes! Two!

Auntie,

discipline!

Three!

I'm stuck!

I'm stuck! Three!

I'm stuck!

Dad. I'm in a blender.

Seriously? I thought she said she needed a new blender.

Don't you get it, Dad?

Mum's been talking about this day for ages now. And you haven't put any effort

into it. So what am I supposed to do?

I could tell you.

But my advice ain't for free.

Are you trying to whore through your father?

£20 is more than worth it for getting back in with mum.

How can you... £10 and you have a deal.

So, what do you think she will like?

Is this machine working now?

Yes, auntie.

18 stone.

18 stones.

What does it mean, 18 stones?

The last time I weighed myself, I was 16 stones.

This machine is not working.

Move over, auntie. Let me try.

I've lost two pounds!

I'm sure this thing is not working properly.

Bitter. Sade, it is you who put me to this nonsense diet.

I have not eaten properly for the past 24 hours.

My stomach is gluing to my back.

Aunty, I've done all of this for you.

I mean, I know I don't need to lose weight. Look at me.

I'm perfect.

I've taken time out of my busy schedule to help you.

Where's the appreciation?

Are we competing?

Can't you view my talents?

I don't need your help.

I am perfect the way I am.

Big, black, and beautiful.

Ah, I am so glad I found you.

Have you been dreaming?

Have you lost weight?

You are looking slimmer.

You have almost disappeared.

Well done.

What do you want?

I need you to call Gladys and tell her to come home sharp, sharp.

I am not calling anyone.

Look, do you know the efforts I have gone to for this woman?

I bought her flowers.

Okay, I didn't buy them. But I got her a blender.

If my man had bought me a blender, I will not only blend his arms, his legs,

trolley. I will cook it for him. I'll give it to him. That's why I didn't

you.

Just talk.

Just call her.

Just talk.

Because I got Rachel coming.

Rachel? I thought you were chatting to Emma.

No, no, no.

That's tomorrow's thing.

I'll meet with Rachel before Mum and Dad get back.

So I don't need your lonely aunt cramping myself.

It's player time.

Hi, Toby.

Hi, sweet thing.

Yeah, hi, Toby.

Um... Huh.

So what do you think you're playing at, Toby?

Do you think you're some sort of player?

No, there must be some sort of mistake.

Player,

I think, not...

Where is Auntie Kuke? She wanted to see me.

Gladys, honey, baby potato.

Don't be annoyed about our anniversary.

But next year, next year, it will be extra special, special.

Look, Bayo, I'm fed up. You say that all the time, and yet you do nothing,

absolutely nothing.

Nothing? But what about the blender?

Nothing about romance.

Okay, close your eyes.

Why? Just do it now.

Oh, what a big... Go now. Let go of me.

Just go.

Go now.

Ta -da!

You did this all for me? I even made your favorite.

You made yam porridge with cow food? Uh -huh.

You the things that I don't know romance.

Sit down, sit down, sit down.

Hit it guys.

That's right.

Come to me, so I can live on my -

I can see you dancing on your legs, but where are the payments?

I will see you next week. Next week? No problem.

Are we not together?

Don't forget to... We will see at the club.

Bye,

Bayo.

Now, you even have your own personal waiter.

Shadi!

Toby!

Dad, where's my tent?

That was lovely. We should do this every weekend.

Gladys, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

But after we are done, we can go upstairs and

finish the celebration.

Take me out.

And some people thought I could not do it.

How the heck did you manage to fit into that dress?

It must have been a real struggle.

What do you think I was doing for the past two hours?

Off to the party I go.