All language subtitles for klepper s01e04 Deported Fucking Vets

There's not a lot our country can agree
upon.

There's something that is undeniably
American that all of us can get behind.

Fireworks. The other thing?

Veterans.

Veterans. They get priority boarding,
inspire mattress sales, and even get an

annual chance to guess and win a Ford
Fiesta.

When it comes to how our country talks
about our troops, right, left, up, down,

all say the same damn thing. Thank you
to veterans. Thank you for your service.

Thank you for your extraordinary
service.

They're thanking me for the service.

Well, almost the same thing. That's why
I was so surprised to find out that some

of the formerly deployed are currently
getting deported.

We're deporting American veterans.
Deported U .S. vets. Deported vets.

vets. Yep, that's right.

American troops are being shipped to
countries that they didn't offer to die

for, which feels like a patriotic
disaster that could explode in your

I'm in Tijuana, Mexico, where those
build -a -wall chants seem pretty silly

the face of this wall that already
exists.

A wall that is surprisingly
multifunctional. Not only is it a

seeing your family, it's also an
Instagram hotspot and an imposing

a soccer game.

That's America right there. That's
America right there, yeah.

Another function, keeping deported
veterans out of America. Like Joe, a

vet who Homeland Security dumped here
four months ago.

So they call this place Friendship Park.
Yes.

Here is where you can talk to people.

They have certain hours in which they
open up that gate out there. They open

that gate and then people start coming
in. They start right now. Just like if

you're in jail. Nothing says friendship
like military -grade steel.

Not even Vietnam.

They had us on hearts, you know, but at
least between the bamboos we could see.

You're saying Vietnamese prison was
nicer than this?

Look, put your finger in there. Joe was
born in Mexico and moved to the U .S. at

age 11.

He served in the military for six years
and is one of hundreds of foreign -born

veterans who've been deported from the U
.S., despite their service.

This is the only way I would ever be
able to see my grandchildren, right? But

I'm not going to bring them here.

You don't want them to see you this way?
No, no, no. Of course not.

What am I going to do? Where's Grandpa?

What's he doing in there?

While Joe spent his youth dodging
bullets in Vietnam, I spent mine dodging

adulthood in comedy theaters.

Avant -garde theater games are American,
but being a Marine isn't?

So what makes an American an American?
There must be a formula. Like, I assume,

vet plus anything always equals
American.

Evidently, it's different if it's vet
plus immigrant.

I feel for Joe and the deported vet. And
I can only assume anyone who heard

their story will feel sorry for them as
well. I don't feel sorry for them

whatsoever. And they need to be removed
from the country.

This is David Ward, a former ICE agent
who spends his retirement painting with

broad brush.

And they're coming in with diseases such
as smallpox and leprosy and TB that are

going to affect our people in the United
States.

Do you sympathize? Do you empathize? No.
It clearly states under 237 that if you

commit these certain felonies, you're
going to be deported from the United

States. And here we have a scenario
where you're saying that if a permanent

resident commits a crime, well, let's
just forget that he committed the crime.

Forget about the immigration law.

Okay, wait. Joe's story is more
complicated.

They put me in jail, supposedly with
assault.

So I spent 494 days in jail.

There was no trial or nothing. I was a
free man.

My family was outside with me.

And I never got to see them.

After fighting to secure the homeland,
Joe was deported by Homeland Security.

Luckily, he was the ideal age to start
over, 73.

So, evidently, vet plus immigrant plus
criminal equals not American.

Should we cut them some slack? They're
vets.

Yeah. How many vets get thrown in jail
for committing crimes?

They go to prison. They go to prison.
Okay. They serve their time.

And then shouldn't we welcome them back
into society?

I suppose you can. But that doesn't mean
that foreign nationals should be

granted the same latitude that U .S.
citizens are granted.

When you're done with the service, you
are an automatically citizen.

That's what they told me. But no, I
found out the hard way later that it

true. Since World War I, non -citizen
servicemen are officially granted

expedited nationalization during periods
of hostilities. Serving is supposed to

get you into the express lane to
citizenship, but instead of limiting

10 or less, you have to survive the 10
offensive.

However, any small paperwork mistake
could leave them vulnerable to

Some of these stories, there were 18
-year -old kids who came back, they

thought, they thought they were
citizens.

So? We're all 18 ones. We made mistakes.
Aren't we a country of second chances?

We've got the amendment to the
Constitution. We do.

We've got George Bush. We've got arrests
in development.

Right? We're all of us second chances.
It just feels like we should be more

empathetic to those people who have made
the choice to serve for this country.

But tough titties?

If it gets down to the point where
you're committing felonies, yeah, tough

titties.

Cold. To be fair, tough titties is our
current immigration policy.

But I wonder, if serving in the military
doesn't necessarily equal citizenship,

maybe there's a cleaner answer.

Money. You know, they say U .S.
citizenship is priceless.

By priceless, they mean you can also
invest $500 ,000 in a ski slope.

In Vermont, New Hampshire, and Colorado,
foreign investors have basically bought

their green cards through something
called an EB -5 visa.

It's an employment -based visa meant to
inject foreign investment, including

into areas with high unemployment, in
exchange for fast -track citizenship.

This is what true citizenship looks
like.

While one of its aims is to pump funds
into distressed communities, the money

often funneled into luxury properties,
big city high rises, and white people

-capped mountains like this one.

But it gets better. And by better, I
mean significantly worse.

In the past, the government has been so
eager to push these applicants through

that their past transgressions have been
overlooked.

Little allegations, like drug
trafficking or being a spy for Iran.

Iran? But if you don't have half a
million dollars, you're stuck running

hill, chasing the silver platter of
citizenship. And no matter what you did

your country, it's always just beyond
your reach.

Also, I really want to eat that big
shrimp.

Deported veterans face legal, political,
and prejudicial opposition, but they

have a secret weapon on their side.

Manuel.

Madlib. Do you like Madlib?

Uh, I know what you're doing. I need a
noun.

Yeah, you just need to really name a
thing. It just needs to be a thing.

Uh... You really can't f*** it up. Like
what? Fishing?

Or fish. A fish is a thing. Not fish.
Fish.

This is Manuel Valenzuela.

A 66 -year -old Vietnam vet with a
mission to bring the deported vets back

And how does he plan on doing that?

A PowerPoint on wheels.

It's not subtle.

Hey, let's do it.

After narrowly escaping a deportation
order himself, Manuel bought an RV,

wrapped it with his face, and set out on
a mission. Road tripping from state

capitol to state capitol, raising
awareness about deported vets and

miles per gallon.

I'm a Marine.

I don't leave nobody behind.

As a Marine, you should be saying, how
can I help? I'm standing up.

This is wrong.

I've gone to senators, I've gone to
congressmen, I've gone all over.

I've got to find a way. With the help of
his trusty banner, Manuel has shoved

his message in the face of former
presidents, former almost presidents,

practically every person he ever
encounters. We bring each other home.

We're on our way to the Arizona State
Capitol on an unyielding mission that

cannot be stopped.

Except for potty breaks.

What do you think about bitches being
deported?

It's a shame. My grandfather is a Korean
War veteran, earned his citizenship.

Can you imagine what it is? You know,
he's in the grave right now. Is he here?

No, he's not here. I'm going to get a
petition from all the deported veterans

saying, honor our veterans by bringing
them all back home.

He may only be one man, but he's a man
willing to hug complete strangers at gas

stations. It's an honor.

Thank you. The honor is all mine.

But Manuel's mission to raise awareness
faces many obstacles, everything from a

complacent public to his own blood
alcohol content.

We cannot just give up.

We've got to keep going.

As a result of past DUI convictions,
Manuel has to blow a breathalyzer

periodically to keep driving.

How often do you have to do that?

It's just random. You know, right there
where I got that, a majority of them are

veterans. Yeah. We come back from wars,
we got problems. And then a lot of them

use drugs, alcohol to cope with it, and
we get in trouble, and this happens.

Do you go through those problems coming
back? It's tough to adjust?

When I got back from Nama, I was... I'm
lucky I'm still alive. You feel out of

place. Yeah.

Literally, you're brainwashed to kill.

And then when you come back...

You got all this training, you don't
know what to do with it in society.

In my case, Vietnam veterans, we didn't
have nobody for us.

Thank you for your service. See ya.

That's it.

Manuel isn't an anomaly. The military
spends billions training soldiers for

but much less helping them become
civilians again. The transition isn't

You know, I have an assault charge after
I got out of the military. I have an

assault charge. I didn't get deported
because I was born here, but that

make me any different from the person
next to me who had my back in Iraq.

I mean, I'm not any different. They
served their country the same as me.

got that same charge. Why do they got to
go back?

That's not right.

But even though their service may have
contributed to their behavior,

politicians aren't eager to stick up for
non -citizens with criminal records.

It's tough to imagine anyone in MAGA
country will be on the deported vets'

especially in this Arizona bar that
probably won't make me an Aperol Spritz.

If you come to the United States and
serve the country for two years, that

should be your ban. That should not
happen to you. I'm sorry about that.

Thank you for your service again.

This is an immigration issue even MAGA
folks can get behind, which surprised

but not nearly as much as the country
version of no diggity.

So I play here at the Spur twice a week.
Let me guess, you're in Afghanistan.

Yeah, I was in Afghanistan, Kandahar
City.

Kandahar City.

He's a vet as well. He's a Vietnam vet,
and he's been traveling around for vet's

rights for deported veterans. Mind you,
I'm a Southern Republican, but if you

put the same boots on as me, I don't
give a shit where you come from. You're

brother. You should have the pathway to
citizenship.

So it don't matter if he only speaks
Spanish because he's from Mexico, and I

only speak English because I'm from
South Louisiana.

And to be fair, they've been... We
barely speak English in South Louisiana.

Yeah, yeah, we hardly speak any English.

The next day, Manuel and I arrive at the
Arizona State Capitol to meet up with

another concerned vet, Gil, and trade
stories about our own deployments. This

Jordan explains stuff to him. Jordan
Klepper, Comedy Central.

We're to the Daily Show, kind of cut my
teeth there, and then to the opposition,

which was a unit I'm really proud of.
And now I'm doing Klepper, which is my

current detail.

We're here.

We're along.

We're not going to leave any bets
behind.

Thank you very much. Thank you for all
you're doing.

Thank you. It's an honor. I really
appreciate you and others for them.

We are deterred by our small numbers.

We're marching on the Capitol and
demanding the government give these vets

support they need.

This is us standing up, honorably
saying, honor us by

bringing us all back home.

Is it usually the reaction you get from
the government?

All the time.

Nothing.

After risking their lives in the
military, these vets were ordered to

same country they once fought for.
They're building so many monuments of us

fighting.

That's not helping us.

Put us here and then forget the ones
they're living.

And then now it's worse.

We're getting deported.

But I keep wondering, if

you're a deported vet and Homeland
Security dumps you in Tijuana with no

and no phone to record a man stealing a
zebra, where do you go?

Looks like we're pulling up on the
bunker now.

There's the banners.

I knew there was going to be banners.

I wish Manuel could be here just to see
the banners.

Or maybe he'd get competitive. I don't
know.

The bunker.

Deported vets set up this shelter to
help other deported vets, like Joe, get

basic necessities, like a toothbrush, a
roof over their head, and a hot meal.

So this is the kitchen area.

These are the living quarters. This is
where we house. We do have military

This is actually the bunker's mascot,
Boots. Hey, Boots.

Jack, another deported vet, runs the
place. He's like a concierge, but

of recommending restaurants, he suggests
asylum lawyers.

How many people come through here?

I'd say close to about 100 vets. 100
vets. Yeah. At least through this bunker

here. Fun fact, you may have recently
spoken to these guys.

Most of the vets work at a call center
where they do tech support for iPads or

help Americans book vacations. That's
right. Deported vets help tourists find

flights to a country they can never
enter.

which really rubbed salt in the exile.

After serving time for crimes like drug
possession, carrying an unlicensed

firearm, and check fraud, the vets were
deported. Now they're in a Tijuana

bunker with more patriotic tchotchkes
than a TGI Friday.

They're homesick.

What do you guys miss most about
America?

Everything. All my family's over there,
so my mother, my sisters, my brothers.

I missed out on seeing my oldest son get
married.

I have grandchildren I haven't even met.

There's nowhere that's home for me here.

I eat burritos, too. Don't get me wrong.
And I love beans and rice. I do. I

really do.

But my identity is American.

And, man, I love the crumb cakes that
they sell with the carton mills. You

the crumb cakes. Yeah, and I definitely
do. It feels like you're not missing the

crumb cakes too much.

The guys try to stay upbeat, but in
reality, their only real path back into

States is not ideal.

The only way I can go back to the United
States is if I was to die, man.

What? Put an American flag on the coffin
and get sent back and get buried in the

United States.

It's true. All these vets need to do to
come home is die.

Then they can have their corpse
repatriated and become eligible for a

burial. That's what they mean by nobody
left behind.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Okay, so let's recap.

Immigrant plus $500 ,000 equals
American.

An immigrant plus veteran also equals
American.

Maybe. But immigrant plus veteran plus
felony equals definitely not American.

But add death to the equation, and
welcome home, boys.

I need a drink.

Let's throw up a little party.

Oh, my God. Let's throw up a big party,
because that's what I do. Just ask my

downstairs neighbors.

Screw you, Suzanne and Brian.

Time to bring a little bit of America to
Mexico. So, I imported Arizona's number

one Blackstreet cover band, Josh.

Keep recording, but help me out. And not
wanting to offend the vets, went behind

the shed to Goodfellas Captain America
and stuffed him with candy.

Look, I know patriotic piñatas and a
dumb American coming to Mexico isn't

to change an injustice in our
immigration system. I'm only one person.

But like Manuel, I shouldn't let that
stop me. These guys are vets, after all.

And even beyond that...

Human. Alien. They're alien to the
United States. Why do you go alien?

They're not a part of... Allow me to
say.

Okay. Don't you think it's possible
you're dehumanizing people when you use

word alien?

The language is in the law. It says
alien.

Maybe I've been asking the wrong
question. Rather than what does make

American, what should make someone an
American?

And by David Ward's own definition,
these vets should be in.

What is it that makes you American?

Is it the fact that you're born here, or
is it what you do for America?

I think it's what you do for America.

The fact that you're born here, of
course, has standing. But how do you

about your country? Are you proud of it?
Would you serve for it?

Would you...

You know, die for your country. Would
you die to protect the Constitution,

this country stands for? Would you do
that?

When I see the guys who are deported
vets in Tijuana right now wanting to

home, they check all those boxes.

Did I not put my left hand on the Bible
and raise my right hand to the flag of

the United States of America and swore
to give my life for the country?

They want to be home. They've served for
America. They've protected America.

They love America.

And we swore no to defend the
Constitution of the United States, and

are willing to die for the country that
we believe in.

If a war breaks out tomorrow and they
try to come through here, we are ready

do what we swore to do.

We're lucky, you and I. What makes me an
American is that I lucked out that my

mom's cervix was in America.

Thank God.

We want Americans to know that we exist
and we're Americans because we fought on

the flag.

I think we're very lucky because of
that. But some people don't have mothers

with cervixes that are so lucky.

Immigration hardliners love to talk
about the laws. But what's the point of

if they don't reflect our values?

I've been trying to calculate what makes
someone American.

And that's the problem.

There isn't any simple equation.

When we reduce a person to a number,
it's all too easy to forget their story.

Instead, maybe we should take care of
those willing to risk everything to take

care of us.

Even if they've made mistakes.

Or even if they're not great at Mad
Libs.

So if red, white savior, and blue
parties aren't the solution, what is?

Since I visited Tijuana, two deported
vets have returned home.

One with a pardon, the other in a
hearse.

The vets down here face an uphill
battle, but there is hope. The ACLU and

Immigrants' Rights Clinic are getting
best resources.

A few fearless politicians are working
to raise awareness. And, as we speak,

sweet old man is driving cross -country
in an RV with no brakes.

Now it's on. I got it together.

Yes. We were fixing the windshield
wipers? I thought we were working on the

brakes.

This coach to that.

It's not even raining.

But until more is done, deported
veterans like Joe remain trapped behind

of bureaucracy, fear, and a literal
wall.

I hate to call it out, but you see what
those kids are building?

They're building a wall.

Uno,

what's wall?

Muro. Hey, no muro.

Here, see this?

This is like this.

This is easy. Am I right? Don't you like
this?

This is nice.

It's a little less fun for kids to play
on just flat sand. I get that. But

metaphorically, this is perfect.

Native Americans face massive social
problems because of their invisibility

media. What are you pointing the finger?
That's not me, right? I don't want to

just think aloud white folks, but that
is also where we probably have the most

work to do. Scary for white people.