Original subtitles

I must say I was deeply grieved when Dave told me about your sad loss, Betty.

Henry was a credit to his profession. The thin blue line can only be further

weakened by his tragic demise.

That's very kind of you to say so. This country needs police officers of his

calibre to stem the rising tide of lawlessness and politics of self

greed that pervade this great land of ours.

So what sort of money were you hoping for on this?

I don't really know.

Henry used to look after the financial side of things.

A friend of mine thought we might be worth about 5 ,000.

A bit on the optimistic side, I'd say.

There's been a definite down -market curve in the demand for caravans since

advent of your hippie traveller. There has.

Which is why I dashed round as soon as Dave told me you were thinking of

it.

As a bereaving widow, and one of our own, so to speak, I feel it is my duty

protect you from those who would exploit your vulnerability.

Thank you, Arthur. I appreciate that.

Rest assured, by the time you come back from visiting your daughter, I will have

obtained the best possible price for this. And please, don't ask me to accept

commission.

I do it in memory.

May he rest in peace.

It's me who'll be resting in peace now he's gone, Arthur.

He was a copper, Arthur. He'd flop over in his grave if he thought he was out of

it. Do I detect a note of mistrust of you, Dave?

I may not have got on very well with my brother -in -law, but Betty is my

sister, and all she's got to live on now is a police pension. She'd eat all the

dough she can get.

It warms the cockles to know I've got your personal endorsement on this, Dave.

Yeah? Well, I told her to put an advert in the local newsagent's window.

Don't be silly, Tommy.

Caravan in this condition, I'm looking at six grand minimum.

No, no, no. Sorry, we can't do business. Tell her.

What's that?

I don't know.

Well, you'd better get it open.

Get it open?

Do that again.

What? Arthur, is that you? For God's sake, get me out of here.

Who's that?

It's Sidney, Arthur.

Sidney? The blood is bursting my head. At least turn me the right way up.

Always get the delivery man back to cart him away.

I heard that.

What is this, Sidney? Some kosher religious ritual I'm unaware of?

A ritual?

I'm trapped in this timber tomb and this is a ritual?

Oh,

I'm ill here, Sidney.

A simple question, Sidney, but what are you doing being delivered here in a

crate? So, it's an unusual way to travel. I have my reasons.

I can't wait to hear them. Sit down.

A terrible thing happened.

It started when I was told I had a terminal illness in my body.

Where else could you have it? I came for protection, and this is the sympathy I

get. Ray, get the man a cup of tea.

A very large vodka I could manage.

Ray.

So what is this protection you're on about, Sidney?

Someone is trying to kill me.

That would be God, would it, Sidney?

I'm getting these pains, right?

I go to the doctor, he sends me to a specialist, two weeks later I get the

prognosis. An agonising death in a matter of weeks.

I decide to kill myself.

Oh, yeah, I can see the logic in that.

I want Sadie, my lovely wife, God bless her, should have security when I'm gone,

do you understand?

If you're talking insurance policies, Sidney, I think another look at the

print will tell you that suicide puts the kibosh on sums assured.

So tell me about it.

I'm in a daze for days trying to figure a swindle.

And then fate took a hand.

It was like a pine.

I'm in this pub, and there's this loony with, can you believe, a spider tattooed

on his face, ranting on about wanting to exterminate anyone who doesn't support

his football team.

Perfect, I tell myself.

Perfect?

Don't forget my head is in a turmoil.

I wait for him to go to the gents. I schlep in after him.

We're alone.

I tell him I hate football, in particular his team, and for a sum would

me.

Big mistake.

He wanted to do it right then, in the toilet, without payment.

So, what happened?

It took all my powers of persuasion to tell him there's a more rational way of

going about this.

This was not an easy thing to do.

He has a very unreasonable attitude.

Anyway, cut a long one. He agrees to a deal, money changes hands, and I tell

the rest he can collect from my person when he does the business.

As a matter of interest, Sidney, how much?

500 quid, half up front.

This maniac's willing to commit a murder for a mere monkey.

I bartered him down from a grand.

When he mullers me, what can he do, Sue?

Well, it makes good business sense.

I tell him I need a fortnight to settle my affairs.

Then it's open season on Sidney Myers.

And I go home to my Sadie.

As soon as I get through the door, she's on me, rabbiting on.

I'm pleased she's happy, but I'm confused.

Why?

I'm dying and she's happy.

Turns out I'm not dying.

The doctor rang to say there was a mix -up with my tests.

I then remembered the loon I'd hired to kill me. Well, you would, wouldn't you?

So what did you do?

Well, I went back to the pub.

No sign of him.

Sidney, why don't you take your coat off?

So am I to assume from your unusual delivery here today that you still

located him? I spent the next fortnight schlepping around trying to find him.

Nothing.

People start to think I'm acting strange.

Sidney, you are acting strange.

Katie is giving me weird looks, hardly speaking.

Well, it does occur to me that she might be worried.

not being cognisant with the situation, if you get my meaning.

I should tell her I've conspired to arrange my own murder and I'm having

contract problems.

A trouble shared is a trouble halved, Sidney, as long as it's not shared with

me. Arthur, the fortnight is up. A deranged person will be looking for me

I've told him where to look. If you really think this nutters after, why not

the old bill sort it out?

Well, they could get out of control.

How? Well, policemen, haven't they?

They're looking for clues and motives.

Worse than starting the company books.

I'm glad to see you've got your priorities right, Sidney.

So, yesterday, it's evening.

I'm still at the factory, worrying what to do.

Everyone's gone home. I dare leave the building.

What if he breaks in?

So, I go down to the loading bay. I put this address on a crate and leave a note

for the foreman to see that it's shipped. Special delivery, first thing.

Brilliant, eh?

It's not without a modicum of ingenuity. I grant you that, Sidney. Nobody knows

where I am except you and Ray.

Aren't we the lucky ones?

Yeah, this is all very interesting, but what do you expect me to do? Well, you

have connections, and Ray is a minder.

I need protection.

You've got to find and stop this madman for me. This could be very complicated.

I have funds. I need money up front.

Are we talking cost?

His life is in danger, and he wants to negotiate.

We shouldn't haggle a little?

Look, let me put it this way.

Dying could ruin your living.

Such logic.

Listen and learn. The man's a martyr.

All right, Arthur.

Tell me the damage.

Oh, well, there's accommodation in a safe house,

food, sundries, round -the -clock protection.

What shall we say?

Two grand.

So we'll say a grand now and the other half when you've done the business? I

think I can accommodate you on those terms, Sidney.

Help yourself.

He couldn't ring to tell me himself?

We thought it better that someone should be with you when you learn what

happened.

First I'm told he's dying of cancer. Then he's not.

Then you tell me he arranged for someone to murder him and this person is trying

to.

Heck, me?

I just want to reassure you that I've got everything under control.

Really? Absolutely.

And how much is this protection costing, Arthur?

Please, Sadie, you and Sidney are friends. I'm not keeping accounts.

Accounts are life. They can be checked.

Look, Sadie, I know you're upset, and I hope you don't mind my saying this, but

I find your attitude a bit confusing.

I mean, Sidney could be in serious danger.

You really think so?

Well, put it like this. Until we're sure, can we afford to take the chance?

I don't know what I think he is.

Maybe he's gone a little crazy, you know. No, no, no. I mean, I know Sidney

be a bit eccentric, but, I mean, do you really think he'd make up something like

this? Arthur.

He had himself posted you in a box.

You don't think that indicates a troubled mind?

Well, you may be right.

But until we're sure, I think you should let me handle things.

Shouldn't we inform the police?

No, no, no, no, no. Sidney was most specific about that. The legal side

get very nasty, arranging your own demise, if you get my meaning.

I don't think I can take much more of this.

That is why I am here, to help you shoulder the burden in your hour of

And, um, could you throw a few bits of clobber and toiletries into a bag?

For Sydney.

You know, I can't imagine anyone wanting to harm my...

So how long did he say he'd be?

Well, not long is what he said.

Yeah, but you know Arthur.

For this I'm paying him good money.

Of course she's upset. She's your wife.

But the moment she knew you were in my safekeeping, relief and gratitude spread

across her boat like a ray of sunshine.

And she's going to stay away from the house and go to her mother's? She is.

So where are you taking me? A haven of refuge far from the maddening crowd. A

safe house where you can rest your weary till Ray and me sort your little

problem out.

What's all this then? Don't worry, that is all part of my overall strategy.

In you get, Sidney.

In you go.

No, no, no. Lay on the floor. On the floor?

Yeah, put this blanket over your head.

There was some reason for this, is there? Well, we can't take the risk of

being spotted on the open road, can we?

What open road?

Oh, God.

Extended wing mirrors. I don't get it. Yours is not the reason why, Raymond.

Money I'm paying you to lay on the floor like a beef and supper cake.

Tell me I'm not thinking what I'm thinking.

What's going on, Arthur?

Standard protection procedure, Sidney. Keep an eye out.

You'll be out of sight. You'll have all the creature comforts for the journey.

Journey? What journey?

I'm sorry, Sidney.

Security demands that remains privileged information.

I work on the need -to -know principle and client confidentiality. I'm the

client. Precisely.

Oh! What? What? I thought I saw someone.

Keep away from the windows.

Wait a minute.

Right, let's get this thing hooked up and get off the manor. Arthur, you can't

take this. It's Dave's sister's. I have an arrangement with her. Does she know

about that?

Mate for the M25, we're heading south.

South? Where south?

Brighton. What, you're going to park him up on the coast? Personally, I'd rather

dump him on the beaches of Normandy.

The further away Sydney is, the less ag I'll have to suffer.

Sure, Bandit.

Well, it's released up indeed without the fellow human being in stuff.

Coming after the man's in fantasy land. So who am I to deny him his dreams?

Yeah, I thought he was your friend.

Always remember, Raymond, a friend in need is a pest.

But try as I may, my charitable nature always will out, and business is

business. Yes, why didn't you just stick him into an hotel?

Too exposed.

Cuts into the overheads. His or yours? Lights!

Go on!

When she's to club.

Arthur, you can't really believe that this hooligan, who probably doesn't

anyway... Come on, come on.

He's actually out there trying to kill Sidney.

Raymond, I am, like a lawyer, simply acting on my client's instructions. That

sort of man's wacko, Arthur.

He's definitely a suitable case for treatment.

What did he look like?

He didn't happen to be wearing a trilby hat, did he?

Blanket over, is it?

I don't even know you're borrowing your sister's caravan.

Dave isn't in the frame.

It's a private arrangement, I told you.

And I don't want you mentioning it to him.

Yeah, so what's the plan?

Well, we locate this caravan site that the AA told me about, and then we park

Sidney up and let him rest secure for a few days while we decide what to do.

There's nothing much we can do, Arthur.

Watch and wait, Ray. Watch and wait.

What you wait for what?

Developments. Developments?

Arthur, what are you going on about?

Tactics.

I'll give up.

You do know, I suppose, that it's an offence to carry someone in a caravan

it's being sold?

Sold to know.

Besides, the man's on the open road, on his way to a sojourn by the seaside.

What more could he ask for?

Sidney's hanging out the window.

Hello, Arthur. You probably just want some fresh air.

Nearly.

It's Sidney!

I hope

you got a good excuse.

Arthur!

Tell them I'm at Chicago. Say you've just picked me up. Don't be stupid. They

would have checked out the reg number on the radio.

Is this your car and caravan, sir?

As a matter of fact, it's this gentleman's here.

Some problem, officer?

If you wouldn't vote fine getting out of the car, sir.

I suppose you know it's an offence to carry passengers in a caravan while

mobile, sir. Oh, yes, of course.

Good grief!

Raymond! Your Uncle Sidney!

How did he get in there?

Terrible. What can you do, officer?

The man's non -compass.

He should be institutionalised, but you know what it is. Family.

How he snuck in there without my nephew seeing him, I'll never know.

Got a license.

Your nephew, has he, sir? Oh, yes.

Yes.

All in all, not a bad result.

Lucky I was there to speak up for you. Speak up for me? I've got a ticket down

to this lunacy.

Small endorsement, that's all. Make you be more careful next time.

At least you got one thing right. Yeah? Yeah, there's definitely madness in the

family. Oh, this I can believe.

Sidney, you feeling better now?

I felt better when I had pneumonia.

What's happening, Arthur?

What are you taking me?

Oh, I'm glad you asked that question. Now that we're out of the smoke and into

the safety zone, I can tell you.

Brighton.

You're taking me to the coast?

London by the sea. You'll love it. Stand on me.

Maybe if we stay at the Grand, I could learn to like.

Would that we could, Sidney. Would that we could. But you have charged me with

your safety, and that makes me honour -bound to make that my number one

priority. Now, the Grand is much too public for a man in your circ and

in life.

You might be recognised.

Remember the Spider -Man?

Who knows how far his tentacles will stretch?

So what do you have in mind?

A nice select caravan site up on the Downs. Lovely views, I'm told.

Ray, pull over. Stop the car.

I'm feeling nauseous.

Release of tension, Sidney. Not unexpected.

There's a nice little diner along here, as I remember.

We'll stop and have a mixed grill. You'll feel as right as ninepence.

Oh, no!

Bad move, Sidney.

Bad move.

I don't think you can stand for it, Arthur. You've definitely upset him.

Upset him?

The man was nearly ill in my hat.

I've had this tit for over 20 years. Part of my persona.

Early indoors bought this hat.

Yeah, well, don't go off about it. Here he comes.

Sidney, you're looking better already.

Why didn't you tell me you suffered with travel sickness? I'd have got some

pills before we left.

What kind?

Cyanide?

Cyanide. That's what I like to see.

Humour in adversity.

Cyanide.

Cyanide. That's very good.

A lot of our own came down here to live in Brighton.

During and after the war.

Got in on a black market.

Ookie antiques.

Good earner.

Then there were the racetrack mobs. Little Dickie and his film, Brighton

Those were the days, eh, Sidney?

I was selling schmutter and Bethnal Green. What do I know from Brighton?

Are you feeling better now, then, Sidney?

Incarcerated and hurled around in a tin box till I suffer wounds to the head and

sickness.

I feel wonderful.

I'm at my peak.

A few hazards en route, Sidney, is a small price to pay for ultimate

But don't worry, we'll be there in about 30 minutes.

Nothing can go wrong now.

How do you... Hold on! Oh, my God!

Stop! Stop!

I've got it! I've got it!

That's the joy of mobile homes.

If necessary, he'll camp here for the night, Sidney.

Oh.

Loved an onion, did the Prince Regent.

Yeah, and a tart, by all accounts. Yeah, he liked his grub.

Talking about courtesans.

Oh, especially a drop of shellfish.

Which way now?

Oh, hold on, hold on. I've got to get my bearings.

It's yonked since I was down here.

Me, you have the brick.

I thought you knew the way, Arthur.

Left.

No, no, right, along the front.

Oh, I don't know. Hang on, look, I've got the directions in my heart

Proper look at that, Sidney.

None of the jerry -built rubbish here.

They knew how to bung up a building, that Regency firm.

How were their mobile homes?

Don't stand it. Arthur, this can't be right. We should have gone left.

Right. Left.

Right.

Client satisfaction. That's my creed, Sidney.

Oh, there's boating on the downs.

This marina wasn't here before.

Nor was that one -way system.

It's all changed. It's all changed.

You certainly haven't.

We'll just have to march on.

Arthur, you've got us lost.

Again.

These lights lodged in the ramp wall of the tree, don't they?

Over the lights. Over the lights. Go on, straight up.

Straight up.

The racetrack's over there somewhere.

And the sights bang near it, according to this.

Moses didn't take this long to find the promised land.

There it is. There it is over there.

Look. Chuck a left, Ray. Chuck a left.

Where? Where?

Over there.

Look. There's the rails.

Must be choking.

This is ridiculous, Arthur. This is definitely another Nicky. Oh, stop going

off. Another five furlongs and we'll be home and hosed.

You can forget that. That's well secure.

Right. Return to post.

Now go and see if we can find a way round to that road.

I'd say to go in was good firm, wouldn't you, Sidney?

This is a select site?

It is, it is.

So how come no one's here?

Well, that should tell you how select it is.

Go on, back, back, back.

Left hand down, left hand down. That's it, that's it, that's it.

Whoa.

Perfect.

Come on, Sidney, you'll be in direct touch with nature's bounty here. It's

Samaritans I should be in touch with. That's right, I knew you'd be pleased.

Right, come on, let's get this thing unhooked.

Well, now, how do I do that to you? Because I don't. Yeah, of course.

Put those leg thingies down at the back and wind that jockey wheel down at the

front.

Look, we can't hang around here all night.

Sidney's had a long day.

He wants to get his head down. Come on, Sidney.

Here we are.

Here you go.

Oh, yeah, all right.

No, Arthur.

No. That is not our deal.

You're not leaving me here alone.

Well, be reasonable, Sidney. Ray and me can't dwell, can we?

We've got to schlep Lively back to town and track down this tattooed assassin

and eliminate him.

Eliminate him?

Well, reason with him.

If that don't work, a few right handers might work the oracle.

I'm telling you now, Arthur, I'm not paying you two grand to be dumped in the

wilderness on my own. It's only for one night. No!

And candles I've got for lighting.

No food.

Sidney, I do not expect you to understand the finer aspects of

do expect you to respect my judgment in these matters. As far as provisions are

concerned, I'll see they're delivered first thing in the morning. I want you

should return my cheque. I do not understand his attitude.

You tell him, Ray. Tell him what?

Well, tell him the enormous expense I've already incurred acquiring this deluxe

sanctuary so that he should have the best possible protection.

And is it my fault? There's no eating?

Someone else.

My lawyer will be dealing with whoever's responsible.

Arthur.

Sidney. Tomorrow I cancel the cheque. No, no, no, no, no. Don't let's be

Sidney. Look, I tell you what.

Ray will stay with you. Don't be silly, Arthur.

I can't let you deal with this loonies after Sidney. It could get physical and

that's my department.

Ray's right. He goes, you stay.

I haven't brought my jammies.

Sidney? Sidney, are you awake?

Well, I am now.

Isn't it quiet?

You wake me up just to tell me it was quiet.

Her indoors don't like me being away all night.

Give me a break after.

Don't sleep.

Calm. It's too quiet.

Slow.

Call of nature I can't hear anything

Protection. Sidney!

Oh, God.

Oh, I thought... Yeah?

You didn't happen to pick up my jacket and my mobile phone before you jumped,

did you?

Oh, my God!

Sidney, wake up! Wake up!

It's disgusting.

It's disgraceful.

It's an outrage to human dignity.

Yes, it is. But at least you're wearing a warm coat.

It's like freezing to death in a pyjama top. I'm talking about this.

Unsuspecting citizens looking for a simple night's rest should not be

to... displays of nether regions in public places.

Come on.

I shall write letters of strong disapproval to the local council about

And the Ministry of Ag and Fish will hear a thing or two as well.

No garments, no money.

What are we going to do, Arthur?

Don't despair, Sidney. I've taken good care of you so far, haven't I?

Now, what we need to do is find a phone.

Hello, operator. I want to make a reverse charge call to London, please.

Yeah.

071...

No reply.

My guess is that the boy is already out and about tracking down the quarry. I am

the quarry. And I have to tell you, as an option to this, maybe it's better he

should find me.

That's the spirit, Sidney.

Positive thinking.

No, enough is enough, Arthur. We find a hotel, we check in, we have a bath, eat

some food. How are we going to do that? Look, may I remind you, due to

circumstances beyond my control, we are bereft.

Folding, credit cards, ID and my mobile all gone to a fiery fate.

Of this I need reminding.

Oh, and while we're on the subject, I need you, when it's convenient, to write

me out another cheque. That one was also due to the flames.

I'm phoning the emergency services. No, no, no, no, that is not a good idea,

Sidney.

Explanations will be required.

Details demanded.

Probes and inquiries made.

And what of the publicity?

I mean, supposing the local press get a smell?

The publicity alone could cost your life if the Spider -Man copped any clue to

your whereabouts.

No, no, my sworn remit... ...was total protection for you, and this I will do.

Arthur. Sidney. Does the term slim meal mean anything to you?

Billy Jacks.

I've got it. Billy Jacks. You remember Billy?

Used to run a spieler by the Winchester in the 70s. Had to do a runner because

of a misunderstanding about some marked card. Now you want to reminisce? No, no,

no. This is where he decamped to. Brighton. He got married and settled

Someone told me. Hey, he could be in the book.

I wonder if you can help. I'm trying to locate a Mr Billy Jacks. I understand he

resides at this abode. Who are you?

My name is Arthur Daly.

I'm a close friend of Mr Jacks from yesteryear.

I did try to telephone, but there appears to be a fault on the line.

That's because it's been cut off.

Ah.

Would you be Mrs Jacks, perchance?

You're an old friend of his, you say?

A dear and trusted friend, I can assure you.

I see.

Just wait there a moment.

Is Billy... What did I tell you?

Right result.

I sincerely hope so, Arthur. I can't take much more of this. Don't worry,

Sidney. You won't have to.

Billy's one of our own. He'll see us all right. You have my personal guarantee.

Now sod him well clear off.

And if you find him, you tell him from me he's dead.

Where next?

Siberia.

Not for you.

Nothing like the ozone for clearing the sinuses, is there?

Well,

you can't knock the view.

Two cups of tea and two rounds of toast each, please.

Excuse me, pal. I want to work with you.

Oh, yeah?

Who are you, then?

You can't phone Dave?

Uh, well, no, no, because, you see, he won't be at the Winchester at this time

of day.

What sort of vellum at home?

I can't remember his number, can I?

I mean, my little black book was cremated along with everything else.

God knows how many contacts and addresses I sacrificed there.

OK.

I phoned Sadie at her mother's.

We'll find a post office and I'll get her to send the money order. On a

Anyway, the post office won't part with a tanner unless you've got a brief to

flash. And ask yourself this.

Do you want to panic her?

Do you want the whaling?

To eat, get some dry clothes and shelter's what I want. It's what I'm

for.

Maybe. Oh, my God.

Come on, old boy.

Come on.

Time to get you back to the hospice.

One does what one can to help them enjoy their final days.

Time for your big purple tablets.

The ones you like so much.

OK, OK. What's the bloody joke, then, eh?

Your pal Sidney, he's the joke.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. That's the right load of cobblers he told you from the start. Yeah, total

rubbish. To convince me, then, eh?

In the first place.

I wouldn't kill anyone.

Not for a poxy 500 quid.

I ain't a complete nutter. No, not complete.

I ain't saying I didn't take his dosh. Be a mug not to considering.

But it wasn't about knocking him off he was propping me about.

There was some geezer he wanted me and my mates to put in hospital for a couple

of weeks, that's all.

Well, who was that then?

I don't know.

Bernie something or other?

Bertie?

Beatie, that was it.

This lady with Hiddney.

First I thought he was taking the piss.

What do you take me for, some kind of prat? A prat now? You look a nice boy.

Nice boy? I think I'll rearrange your face right now.

Please wait.

So I listened to what he's got to say, don't I? What was that?

I'm offering money and you want to hurt me? How much money?

Shall we say 200 pounds?

Sterling. Shall we say I smash your kneecaps with a club hammer for nothing?

300.

500. And my children starve.

How do I know this geezer ain't some nutter? And it's me that takes the

battering. Well, you've got friends.

They can't help you.

So I took his dosh, promised I'd oblige, and that was that.

Yeah, we had the right nice drink up, didn't we?

Trevor's looking for his money back.

He's out of luck.

Unless you fancy yourself as a debt collector.

Don't you even think about it, pal.

Now, you listen.

Did he tell you why he wanted this geezer out? Wasn't interested, was I? As

as I'm concerned, I'm dealing with a nutter.

Yeah, you could be right.

Now, just leave the talking to me.

This sort of gaff, they respect the voice of authority.

And you say your luggage is following, sir?

Oh, absolutely.

Yeah, and our credentials. When my people get here from London.

That is unfortunate.

We seem to be completely full.

That's authority. I'm in prayer.

It's not a problem, Sidney.

If at first you don't succeed... Slinger up a pair of you. Go on, get

out of it. How dare you?

I'm a respectable businessman.

Writs will be issued.

Assault charges filed. Stand on me.

Sidney, bloody cheek.

It's the last time they get my patronage.

There's a tourist boarding here for me. Mark my words.

Arthur. Sidney.

You're not a well man, do you know that?

Be honest, Sidney.

You don't look all that jolly yourself.

Here, listen, one more thing. You didn't have anything to do with sticking him

in a crate and sending him parcel post, did you?

Try and think of it as an adventure, Sidney.

Man against the elements, that sort of thing.

I mean, Joseph didn't turn to him when he was schlepping around Bethlehem

looking for digs, did he?

No.

Because him and his missus knew that if all else failed, the Lord would provide.

Even if he was a bit young at the time.

For my sister's caravan.

Oh, you know about that, do you? Well, all I know, you and he were seen bunging

a bloke in the back with a blanket over his head and driving off. What's it all

about? Well, get us a drink, Dave.

To tell you the truth, I'm not too sure myself.

So it's not blues, but would they supply you with a smart whistle, Gratis?

I shouldn't be seen dead in a suit like this.

Ah, you've got to admire the Sally Anne.

You won't catch me ducking out when they come round all interested with...

With their collecting box and their coppers of war cry.

Care and compassion, that is what it's about.

Do you mind?

Oh, that is disgusting.

You pull yourself together and get a job.

Oh, no.

Don't worry, Dave, the caravan's OK.

It's not the caravan, that is important enough.

Guess who was in here last night looking for Sidney?

Lou. Only the bloke he'd hired to have hospitalised by them two loons he was on

about. The Bosch.

Who's he?

Bernie the Bosch Beatty. Big -time blagger and major psychopath.

Yeah, but what would he want with Sidney?

I don't know.

But you can bet it wasn't to exchange presentry. He's not called the Bosch for

nothing. If he gets the hump with you, he boshes you with bars of wine.

Are you with sugar?

Stay here on my own with bums and winos, just so you can forget. Shush!

They might hear you.

Have you no sensitivity for these poor wretches?

There, but for the grace of Sidney, remember.

And what's safer sanctuary than one of his many mansions?

No, Arthur, no, no. You get on the telephone, you talk to somebody, you get

me... All right, all right.

Don't give a flap.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

You stay here and have seconds or something, and I'll go and see what I

sort.

I'll come with you.

It's no good. Nothing.

You know, he's either got it switched off or he's let the battery run out.

Well, you'd better get back down there, Ray, a bit lively, and give him the

office. Yeah, and while you're at it, tell him to bring my sister's caravan

pronto. It's not even insured.

Any damage, and it is strictly down to Arthur.

What's he saying? What's he saying? Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, not the boss.

Yeah, well, I don't know what he wants him for.

Yeah, but if Sidney arranged to have him done over and he found out about it, it

don't take too much working out, does it?

Right.

Yeah, all right. Well, hang on a minute.

Yeah, I want to work.

Yeah, go on, then.

Yeah.

What are you doing there?

Never mind what I'm doing here. You get down here right away.

Yeah, right.

Hey, hold on. Dave wants to work with you.

Oh, God.

Yeah, and by the way, he knows you've got the caravan.

Well, he's a bit worried. It ain't insured.

Arthur?

Arthur?

He's hung up.

Ed?

Fidney's still with them, is he?

Don't suppose you care to tell us what all this is about, would you?

Van can't fib a little to protect his family? Fib a little! Fib a little!

You've been telling diabolical portlies all along, and now you shove me in the

frame with a Bosch.

Have you any idea how many wheelchair cases are down to him? What can I say?

It's my fault the man got an early release. Oh, you are disturbed.

The Bosch asked you to look after his money while he's doing his porridge, and

you steal it?

Be reasonable, Arthur. He stole it first.

Anyway, I didn't steal. I, um, invested.

A hundred grand?

Did I hear any complaints from him when the business was going well?

So I'm to be blamed? The bank's about to foreclose? Oh, God. Such tragedy.

A fortnight more, I'm out of shtook.

The house sale completed.

All the factory stock sold, and I disappear.

A new name, a new life.

In seven years, I'm officially declared dead, and Sadie, God bless her, cashes

in my life policy and joins me to retire in the sun. It's a wonderful plan.

Except for one mistake.

You, I have to pick to give me an alibi.

Alibi? Well, of course.

As soon as that tattooed crazy in his mates had dealt with the boss, I was

to tell you all about it. An extra earner you would have got for this

believe me.

Extra earner? Certainly.

When inquiries are made about my disappearance, you confirm that I hired

protect me.

You say I didn't save from whom, you were just doing your job. So it's your

fault you left me alone for an hour and I'd gone when you returned.

Nothing personal, Arthur, it's business.

Sister, sister.

Is there somewhere I can lie down?

I'm not feeling all that.

Arthur! Arthur!

Leave me alone. I'm making my funeral arrangements.

It's the boss. She's here.

What? No.

No, Bernie. No.

No, I swear. He's nothing to do with me. He told me terrible porky.

Terrible.

I know, Arthur.

I know.

Ray told me.

God bless you, Arthur.

It's good to see you after all these years.

And Sidney.

Sidney.

I should find you in this place.

Praise the Lord.

God bless you.

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah. Ten years in the shovel and he's seen the light.

He's come to forgive.

Thank you.