Original subtitles

Thank you.

Arthur, if you don't shift those motors soon, you're going to end up with a

scrapyard, not a car front. Shush.

No, no, no, no, not you.

No, but when I heard you were in the market for a fleet of scooters, I

to myself, if the pizza man is not very careful, somebody's going to land him

with a load of old rubbish. Pizza man?

You know what I mean?

Young lads hurtling through the city on death traps?

Well, the point is, I have access to a stock of nearly new quality mopeds fresh

off the ferry from Italy.

You're not doing business with the pizza, man. Will you shut up? I'm

here. Look, just think. Your delivery lads could be winging their way up the

Contra Flows with their steaming panniers, distributing your wares before

can say pepperoni. Arthur, the man is from Sicily. What do you say?

I am prepared to give you a generous discount for exclusive supply.

Well, don't wait too long.

The Golden Dragon has been refurbished and I'm expecting a request from a Mr

Wong.

Right, well, I will be here.

Right.

Got him.

Look, will you not Twitter on when I'm on the phone? It puts me off my stroke.

Arthur, you've got to be careful. The pizza business is just the fun.

knows that.

What do you mean?

To keep the family employed, capisce?

Don't be so melodramatic.

Perfectly respectable businessman.

A little over -enthusiastic occasionally.

What's all this about bikes, anyway?

Motor scooters, to be precise.

Minimum fuss, maximum profit. Arthur, you don't have any motor scooters.

No, but I know a man who does.

Good shot, Mervyn.

Still topping it. Too much bottom hand.

Yeah, perhaps a smidge. To get back to the motor scooters. It's cold for

Newcastle, isn't it? Selling wheels to offer daily.

Well, I told you, it's a specialised order.

Do you think you could have arranged something suitable?

I know where I can lay my hands on some, yeah.

They have to be clean.

Squeaky.

What am I looking at? Per unit. No, in toto.

Oh, no, I was thinking more... I should have two, Tom. Done.

When? As soon as the cabbage is on the table. I'll drop it round. You still out

arrow, eh?

You won't recognise it, Arthur.

Landscape garden, ponds stuffed with koi carp.

I've been chucking money at it. Tell you what, drop round early.

I'll show you the new games room. I'll look forward to it, Mervyn.

Oh, Mervyn?

I've got some very nice tartan hats in the lock -up, if you're interested.

Red pom -poms.

Very Sam Snead.

Whoops.

Bottom hand again.

French freezers, Brian.

No, I'm not interested.

You said if ever I heard of anything tasty to let you know, well, this is it.

Well, that may be so, but I'm in the middle of very sensitive negotiations at

the moment with another venture. And as such, my capital is spoken for.

Another time, perhaps.

There won't be another time, Arthur.

It's a one -off.

It'd be criminal to miss it. Yeah, that's another worry, the criminality.

Now, do you think they're spotless?

The goods have returned, right?

So, for some reason, they never got rebooked onto the warehouse computer.

So? So if they don't show up on the company manifest, they don't exist.

I'm sorry to say this, Brian, but I find the whole thing a little implausible. I

mean, you do not get a lorryload of fridge -freezers going walkabout without

certain amount of concern on the part of the owners.

No, the only people who know about this are you and me and a couple of my mates

back in Brum. No, I'm sorry, Brian. No, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll put the

word around and see if anybody else will buy it. What are you asking for them?

Free alcohol.

Or Zaviers.

Write it on there.

Per unit.

Whatever you can do to help me out, Arthur.

I mean, I've got them in the back of my lorry outside my house in Edgbaston.

I can't get back to work until they're shifted.

Yeah, hold your horses, Brian. Hold your horses. I see your dilemma.

Look, I don't like to see a bloke up to Swanee, so I'll tell you what I'll do.

For a 20 % knockdown, I'll take them off your hands.

20 %?

You do deliver, I take it.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, fine. Thanks very much, Arthur.

I'll just go and get on the phone.

Like sweets from an infant, eh, Arthur? One does have a knack for the haggle,

Dave. I thought that money was marked out for the bikes for the pizza men.

Well, I'm sure the pizza men will give me a little leeway. The pizza men?

Gino's.

I'll keep an eye on the board, Gino.

Missed it and we've got another hour's wait.

I'm watching, I'm watching.

Hey, Martin, how's your acting going? You got any movies in the pipeline? I'm

eyeing the chair all night.

I've done an arse, mate.

A guy's up for this job the other day, right? A suit commercial.

Yes, and right lookers on Lane 18.

And the guy he's directing is younger than me, right?

Rodney.

Ponytail, mouth full of marbles.

And he says to me, I want you to imagine you're a chicken.

I'm out the door, aren't I? He says, are we a problem? I says, we certainly do,

Rodney. I'm from Feltham.

I reckon you'd make a good chicken.

Come on, there's three of them on your own.

Do you know, it's not pulling out of the youth club.

I'm here for the bowling.

Yeah. Yeah, all right.

Same again, Arthur? No, no, no more, Dave.

There are enterprises afoot tonight for which I have to keep a level head.

You don't know where that wayward nephew of mine is, do you? Yeah, he's up the

throwaway. He's gone bowling.

Bowling? He's a bit young for that lark, isn't he? It's all pipes and Panama

rats. Has he retired?

Ten -pin bowling, Arthur.

Well, you look very pleased with yourself.

Dave, I have a feeling the wind is about to billow my sails and send me cruising

out of the doldrums. Well, let us hope so.

Because if you -know -who finds out about you -know -what... All right,

Point taken. Thank you.

There's two in it, Ray. You need a stripe.

Up you get, Gino.

Gino!

I don't believe it. What's the matter?

It's only the old lady.

What, the girlfriend?

Worse, my mother.

I don't believe it. She's come all mummed up.

I never asked her. She's always doing this.

Hello, darling.

What are you doing here? You forgot your inhaler. He gets a bit chifty,

especially when he drinks.

Those bowls are heavy, aren't they, love?

It's my shower.

Can I get you anything, Mrs. Connolly?

Where has he been? I could murder a lager and lime. Why aren't you at the

It's been cancelled.

You having a good bowl? Here, do you want to join in? I'll put you up. Right.

Oh, I don't want to crank your style.

He doesn't want his old mum hanging around, does he? You off then? Oh, come

we could do with a bowl.

Oh, I'll get some shoes.

What do you do that for?

Well, you don't mind your mummy hanging about, do you? Yeah, mummy can hold your

hand while you're bowling.

Get off.

Ray?

Arthur?

Who's Arthur?

She's Uncle Arthur.

Uncle?

You two are seriously sad people.

I tell you, Arthur, I want a night off in lieu for this. Look, mine is not a

nine till five outfit. You've got to learn to be more flexible.

You're a slave to pleasure, you are. What, a game of tenpin bowling? Exactly.

Life is not all beer and skittles. It's a waste of money.

More mature years will teach you to cast your bread on the waters. Yeah, once it

goes soggy and sink.

Here we go.

Strictly between you and me, I couldn't have paid less for these pigeons.

I'm going to make a killing.

Money.

Raymond, help Brian.

In the normal course of things, I wouldn't bring it up, but I am

slight cash flow hiccup.

You're not oiling out the deal?

Oh, far from it, far from it. No, I'm hoping this will be the beginning of a

long, fruitful association.

Because wheels have been set in motion if you follow my drift.

Well, the upshot is, I was wondering, I mean, if it's home play with you. What?

Could I pay cash on delivery?

You know my methods. Cash up front. No, no, hear me out, Mervyn, hear me out. I

mean, I wouldn't expect you to accommodate me gratis. I mean, there

sort of compensation for your goodwill. What?

I am prepared to bung in a sweetener in anticipation of your flexibility.

What is it?

A state -of -the -art, self -defrosting, twin -compartment fridge -freezer.

Detachable vegetable tray.

Ice -making facilities, built -in drink dispenser. Set you back a small fortune

in the ice street. Don't come to the fence with me. Mervyn, and on art, I can

guarantee their pedigrees are flawless.

Now, you do this small favour for me, and one of these little beauties will be

nestling in the corner of Mrs Kravitz's utility room and not a dent in your

wallet. And what guarantees do I have that you'll cough when I'm scooted up?

Mervyn, what of trust?

That's it.

No.

But what of trust?

No, no, no. All I'm telling you is no self -respecting businessman would

consider delivering goods without cash up front these days.

Why can't you use the payphone?

It's a pizza, man.

Do you know how many companies are going bust through extended unsecured credit?

No, no, no. All I'm saying is if you will just stump up the cash, you will

the bikes within 24 hours.

You're not.

Sir, what's the problem?

The pizza man won't give me the money until I give him the bikes.

Mervyn won't give me the bikes until I give him the money.

If I could get the money from the pizza man to give to Mervyn, then Mervyn could

give me the bikes to give to the pizza man. It's all perfectly simple.

But I thought you was giving Mervyn the money from the pawn shop to pay for the

bikes for the pizza man.

No, I gave that to Brian to pay for the fridges. I thought you was buying them

fridges from Brian with the profits you made from the pizza man after you bought

the bikes from Mervyn. I can't buy the bikes from Mervyn until I get the money

from the pizza man.

For the fridges.

No, for the bikes.

Sorry I asked you.

Yeah, Arthur, what's all that about?

Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't go through all that again.

You tell him, Dave.

Arthur, that.

Yeah? Where's Daly?

You're looking at him. I want the grinder, not the monkey.

Tell me, Sonic, do you want to take your teeth home in an envelope, pal? Right.

Sparky, what have you got here, Arthur?

It's his diet, Merv. Too many additives.

What can I do for you?

You've got yourself a deal.

You'll take a fridge?

Yeah. I knew you'd change your mind. I haven't.

Mrs. Kravitz found your brochure.

Oh, did I leave it lying around?

Yes, you did, in her utility room.

But this is a one -off, understood?

I'll get the bike, but as soon as I deliver, it's cash on the nail and no

favours. Done.

Load up a fridge, Ray.

Things are looking up.

I'll have another pot with a pizza man.

Ian, how did you persuade the pizza man to pay up front?

Appeal to his Latin generosity.

Ian, it worked.

No, of course it didn't. I had to give him hefty discount.

Oh, blimey. Tea leaving obviously pays well.

Have a care, Ray.

Oh, as the neighbours are concerned, Mervyn's into property.

Oh, is? Just happens to be out of people.

I say, you there, the man with the hat.

Me? Yes, you.

Stop standing in my seedling, peering it.

I beg your pardon?

You've got your great boots in my ornamental border.

I do beg your pardon. What do you want?

We're looking for the lady of the house.

I am Mrs. Cravett.

Oh, we've come to deliver your fridge freezer.

Oh, didn't you see the sign?

Tradesman's entrance at rear.

Tradesman?

There's a boot scrape.

Sorry? Honestly, you tread all over my flowerbed and then you proceed to walk

into the house.

Hold up, Ray.

I suppose you'll be requiring a mug of tea.

Oh, a cup of rosalie. Go down a treat, Mark. Ray!

I'd like to point out that far from being a tradesman, I'm in fact a close

friend and business associate of Mr Kravitz.

Doesn't surprise me in the least.

Won't get much change from a quid with her, would you?

Tradesman? Crombie alone's worth 200 quid.

Come on.

What's your time?

About half one.

How come if these deals are always as pure as they're driven, they're always

down in their dead of night and out of the way places?

Mervyn is a very careful man.

Who saw that?

Defeat the man's capital.

After Mervyn, for the mopeds, and the rest for me. Clear profit.

I think I deserve a little pat on the back for this one. Yeah, and me, two

wages. Here we are.

Bang on time.

Give him a triple flash.

Mervyn, cash on the nail, as agreed.

You may count it if you wish.

I will not be offended.

Raymond?

I'll sit fast on there.

No, no, no.

Let's not be hasty, Mervyn.

I went down the supermarket yesterday.

Bought a leg of lamb, chump chops, black forest gato, a few bottles of

champagne, over a hundred quids worth of nose bag.

Got home, loaded up your fridge, had a can of ice cold lager, went to bed.

What? You on medication?

Unbeknownst to me, downstairs, your fridge is going critical.

Having a meltdown.

fused the house, flooded my new games room before bursting into flames,

Maureen's utility suite to a burnt -out shell.

But for the vigilance of the next -door neighbour, Maureen and me would have

been charcoal -grilled in our beds.

Oh, dear.

This I am taking as compensation.

Now, you want the bikes, get your hand in your pocket. Moving.

What a carve -up.

The entire wedge.

Everything the pizza man gave me straight into Mervyn's pocket. The

it. That's the last of the bikes.

It's all right if I shoot off?

Yeah, might as well. You've done enough damage for one night.

You what?

I don't hold it against you. Well, what have I done? It's your fridge.

You plumbed it in. Arthur, I plugged it in.

Like this.

And then I whipped it on like this and nothing else.

It's not my fault if it's a disguised incendiary device, is it? You must have

got your wires crossed.

Listen, Arthur, you're the one with the wires crossed for buying them in the

first place.

All I know is your handiworks cost me a bundle.

You're impossible, aren't you?

As soon as anything goes wrong, you always start looking around for someone

to blame, and I'm always the handiest. Well, I tell you, I'm off. That's right,

the rat leaving the sinking ship.

And who are you calling a rat?

It's just a metaphor.

Well, keep your metaphors to yourself and come on, I want some wages.

Well, charming. Kick a man when he's down. Arthur, I've just... Hold on.

We're going up.

No, no,

not the cashmere car, right? Use your jacket. Leave it out, Arthur.

So?

Yeah, I think so.

Well, that does it. The ball is on the roof. I can't possibly flog those.

I'll be done for manslaughter.

Now we know why they return up to the warehouse.

Oh, God.

It could have been worse. It could have caught in the petrol tanks of one of

them bikes.

Yeah, and I bet they're not insured.

Yeah, but it's only a short hiatus.

Yeah, I know you've paid, but a fault has been found in the carburettor

and they've been recalled to the factory.

Milan, I think.

Pizza man.

It's only for a matter of a few days.

Now, I give you my word of honour.

I didn't know you had such a command of the English language.

I thought you'd taken possession of them bikes.

I have. Well, it might sound a bit simple, Arthur, but why don't you just

them to the pizza man and save yourself a lot of aggravation?

Dave, those bikes are at present my only collateral.

I intend to make them pay.

The contractor that installed these doors said there will be a certain

play in the hinges as a part of the design.

Really? Yeah, I mean, anyone fiddling would make... I see.

Not that that's likely to happen. We have a very active branch of

watch round here.

Plus the fact that I have the advantage of being a prominent landmark on the

beat of a local constabulary.

On a good day, a flatty passes those gates every hour on the hour.

I'm very fortunate.

In fact, I don't know why I'm bothering to insure a place at all.

Have you had a fire recently?

No, no, no.

No, no.

Ah, yes.

But under strictly controlled conditions.

See, this is my product testing area.

Is it? Yeah, every item that leaves these premises undergoes strict safety

checks. I mean, these fridges, for example. I've had my boys go over these

a blowtorch. I mean, you can see the limited amount of spread.

Why don't you do it outside?

Very protective question. I'm glad you asked that.

My principle is that all tests should be conducted under conditions that nearest

approximate to the punters. I mean, you don't keep a fridge in the garden, do

you? No, I do not.

So what are we looking at in terms of a premium? I mean, bearing in mind that

the premises are occupied all but seven hours a day, and I'm considering getting

a Doberman.

Mr. Daly, I wouldn't insure you if you had the Archangel Gabriel himself

guarding your premises.

Thank you.

This is play in main access door, Anton.

Do you know there are companies that would turn you down for having doors

this? They do make me laugh. I mean, what do they expect? Godzilla to go on

rampage in Wilsdon?

It's got a lock on it, hasn't it?

I'm only saying it's a bit loose. There's nothing wrong with that door.

And the prices they're asking.

The premium's very near the value of the goods being insured.

Well, you'll get none of that gobbins from Tewksbury's.

A fair day's whack for a fair day's work. That's my motto.

That's a very refreshing attitude, Mr Tewksbury.

So, you can sleep sound in your bed knowing that your bits and bobs are

at a price you can afford.

So, what are we looking at?

Ah, fire cover. Yes, please.

Flooding. Storm damage.

Accident.

Vandalism. The full Monty. Oh, well, I could cover you for the space shuttle

crash landing on top of you, if that's what you want.

Theft? Oh, that's automatic.

I'll tell you what.

I'll get young Wayne here to work up a policy for you and then describe the

details. We will by law require you to install fire stations at certain key

points. Fire stations? Yeah, well, it's just a couple of buckets of sand here

and there.

All clear?

Good.

Listen.

Due to circumstances beyond our control, we have been pitched, headlong, into

the most perilous situation ever to engulf us.

What is needed is daring, audacity, and a will of iron.

Now, with this in mind, I have fashioned a plan.

Why do I get the feeling I don't want to hear this? This is no time for

vacillation, Ray. Our backs are well and truly against the wall.

Now is the time for all good men, etc.

This plan, Arthur, is it legal?

That's a moot point, Dave, depending on which side of the barricade you're

standing. But this I do know.

It is just.

Well, come on, then.

Let's hear it.

Today, I have obtained watertight insurance for the complete contents of

lock -up.

This policy... He's the brainchild of a slip of a lead, not two summers out of

school uniform.

Now, tomorrow night, he will be paying a late call to the lock -up to finalise

the paperwork.

Yeah, Arthur!

No sooner has my fountain pen made the last flourish and the document been

securely lodged than I will be the victim of a vicious burglary of which

callow youth will be the principal witness.

Certainly daring, Arthur.

Don't encourage him, Dave.

Arthur, you'll never get away with it. You're talking about defrauding an

insurance company.

I do not care for such talk, Ray. As far as duplicity is concerned, compared

with the insurance industry, I am a mere novice.

It's very risky, Arthur.

Not a bit of it. With careful planning and a well -disciplined team, we can

this off without even breaking sweat. What do you mean, we? I ain't doing over

the lock -up. All you have to do is find a couple of your mates who are short of

a bob or two.

I'll make it worth their while.

Arthur, it is breaking the law.

I think you'll find not.

Technically. They have my permission to turn me over.

You'll get your mate Marty, the one who's in the acting locker, be right up

street. No way, Arthur. I mean, you've come up with some lulus in your time,

this not only takes the biscuit, it takes the whole packet.

I mean, it's the most air -brained, stupidest, ill -thought -out... You

words foul me. I won't do it.

You'd better tell him, Arthur.

Tell me what?

Where he got the money for the fridges in the first place.

Well, go on, tell him.

Arthur popped her indoors knick -knacks.

Popped? Pawned.

Aren't these jewellery? Only temporary.

In my day, it was perfectly acceptable if you wanted to raise a few reddies on

your bits and pieces. Bits and pieces? Arthur, aren't they? They're heirlooms.

If she comes back and finds her bottom drawer empty, she'll go nuclear.

Exactly. And this way, not only can I get her baubles back, but I can also

deliver the bikes to the pizza man.

And get shot at them fridges from hell. Oh, help me out here, Dave. Talk sense

to him.

Look, I'm going under for the third time here, Ray.

Please, I need your help.

Shall we just burst in there and play up against the wall? Yeah, the less head,

the better. Sound scared and weak if you babble on. No, leave the acting to me.

I specialise in heavies.

Yeah, we just don't overdo it, OK?

How come you're not coming with us? We've been through this, Gino. I come in

later. I'll get rid of the insurance kid.

Gino?

Are you twice fried char -siu?

No, pretty chicken.

Now remember... Oh, Mum!

Lots of soy sauce.

You got it.

Oh, Mum!

Could you pick the sweetcorn, ma 'am?

Already done, darling.

Marty, do you like sweetcorn?

Anything. Raymond?

Whatever.

Well, you forget about your belly for a minute and just pay attention.

I'm listening, I'm listening.

Right, the thing to do is to get it done as fast as possible.

Park the truck here when you load the gear and then bring it round here and

leave it here.

And leave the keys behind the front, near side wheel arch. And I'll pick it

later.

When do we get paid?

And the real benefit of this particular policy is its flexibility.

Now, should you find over the next few months that your stock value has

increased vis -à -vis the contents of the property, you can upgrade the

with a modest increment to the monthly premium.

A simple phone call to myself or Mr... Most comprehensive.

It's a very nice policy you've worked out here, my friend. And your coverage

will start the moment your first cheque clears.

I always deal in cash.

Cash or cheque is fine.

What was it, 100 and...? Oh, yeah. There's a tonne there.

There we go.

You don't mind a bit of shrapnel, do you?

Seem to be 14 pence short.

Oh, really?

Those new little coins.

They're difficult to count.

If anyone's a cause of trouble, we're not.

A couple of those.

That's all in order.

If you'd just like to climb here, I'll prepare you a seat.

What exactly

is a

debenture? That's just a clause. Oh, excuse me.

Daily into Europe?

Already?

No, no, I'm sorry. Wrong number.

Right. Now, would you like a little sherry to celebrate your commission?

Make what you make!

Keeps them and nobody gets that.

Bloody hell.

What is the meaning of this?

How dare you invade my premises in this manner?

Who do you think you're dealing with? Bullying your way in here with your mast

and your timber? You have me to contend with first.

George, look at that. Shut up.

You! God.

I shall not rest until I've brought you to justice for this outrage.

Excuse me, officer.

I simply be a bit lost.

You couldn't tell me the quickest way to... I don't know. I've forgotten the

name of it.

That's a lot. Yeah.

Mm. Mm.

Mm.

Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm.

Then, no, left, right.

So it's first left, then second right by the library.

Portway Street, yeah, big building on the corner.

Uncle Arthur? Uncle Arthur, what's

happened?

Are you all right?

Oh, no, Raymond, it was terrible.

I was just finishing my business with young Wayne here when these vicious

footpads broke in and had it away with all the motor scooters. Oh, no.

They left the fridges. Oh, no.

I mean, uh, oh, good.

Sorry.

We've got to get the police.

But the phone's out.

Oh, hang on. There's a box on the corner.

I'll do it. Good idea.

So what do you feed Marty on? Red raw meat?

What do you mean? Well, look at his handiwork.

I'm covered in bruises. The phone's out.

It'll be months before we get that back on. You know what the GPO are like.

Well, he had to make it look convincing. The job was burglary, not demolition.

Yeah, he was just getting into the park.

Well, he was well over the top.

Look, he's got the bikes and that's the main thing. Yeah, that's true. Raymond,

get them to the pizza man before the law's crawling all over the place.

Oh, what am I doing? I'm all over Twitter here. Come here, Arthur. Let me

that. Oh, Raymond.

I don't want to go through that again.

Freeze! This is a stick -up.

Marty?

Ray?

What are you doing here?

An icy hand grips my heart just thinking about it.

I mean, there I was, giving it the old Dunkirk spirit, and all the time they

were a genuine article.

I could be lying in a pool of blood.

It's a close shave, all right.

Have I started fate in some way that you'll treat me this callously?

Look, on the bright side, Arthur, there is the insurance money. Which I will

have to refund to the pizza man. I'm back where I started.

Not quite. You've still got to get aunties geared back.

Salt in the wounds, Raymond. Thank you very much.

Why me?

What have I done to deserve this persecution?

It was perfectly straightforward.

I set up a nice, safe, well -planned burglary, only to have Dame Fortune

a couple of ringers at the last minute.

I mean, what are the odds against that?

It was no coincidence.

What?

You mean that there were darker forces at work?

Well, it's obvious, ain't it?

Who?

Well, I don't know yet.

I intend to find out.

Where's Marty?

Hello, Ray. What are you doing here? Where's Marty?

He's down here doing a job. Yeah, come with me.

I'm on the megabucks. Come with me.

Get your genuine taste of oldie worldie England here.

Ye oldie Tudor tearoom shoppie. One hundred jars on your left.

Devon clotted cream.

Eccles cakes.

Barf buns.

Pontifract pastries.

Ye olde worlde.

Oi, Dick Van Dyke, I want a word with you.

I've never known the likes of it, Mr Daly. The odds must be astronomical.

I mean, the ink is barely dry on your signature and you get turned over.

You're going to knock me down with a feather? Yeah, it makes you wonder,

it? How the world has changed since we were lads.

The front door was never shut. The kids were playing in the streets.

You could leave your washing out. The whole fabric of society is broken down.

Yeah, distinct erosion of values, I quite agree. But if we could get to the

number of the matter.

Oh, yes, your claim.

Yeah, if you could extradite it as swift as is humanly, because the bites were

already overdue and my client is starting to get the ump. Yeah, well, my

be very tough, Mr Daly.

It's not all spreading sweetness and light.

I mean, occasionally there's bad news to break and all.

Bad news?

If I could draw your attention to page three, section two, paragraph three,

brackets four.

The underwriters do not extend cover for any motor appliance or vehicular

conveyance as designated in section four, brackets two, for use on the

Highway. You stitched me up.

Look, are you sure one of you two didn't have one too many sherbets and start

mouthing off? I swear to you, Ray. But you know, lads, I'd take a very dim view

if you did.

Arthur could have been badly hurt. Come on, Ray.

Why would we want to put it about?

It's not something you want to advertise, is it? Oh, by the way, I'm

snide burglary Tuesday night at an insurance, Blake.

No, I suppose not.

Here come, we better be off.

Can you give me a lift back, Ray? I'm late for dinner and my mum's going out

tonight. That mummy's boy, ain't you? When are you going to grow up?

Here, wait a second.

You tell your mum everything, don't you, Gino?

There you are.

A pizza man's through there looking for you. In a proper lava, he is. I know. I

saw the van.

He's been bending my ear all morning about you. For God's sake, go and tell

you're going to give him his money back.

I can't. There ain't any money.

Tewksbury won't cough.

It's true.

What's he going to tell the pizza man? I'm not. You are.

Hey. Keep him happy.

All right.

What are you going to tell him?

I shall tell him that you've had a serious accident.

I shall cheer him up.

Here, Arthur.

Don't stop me, Ray. It's a time for major surgery.

No, Arthur, get in the van.

Bankruptcy, divorce, dereliction.

Arthur, will you get in the van?

I'll probably end up on Shepherd's Bush Green with a mongrel dog and a bottle of

cider. If the pizza man doesn't get me first.

Arthur, get in the car.

Raymond, you're not handling me. Arthur, I think I might have something that

just might interest you.

He's obviously heard about the plan from Lucy. Thought he'd get in first.

Black -hearted swine. Doing me down with a smile on his face.

He's certainly making them scooters pay.

He sells them to you. Twice the price.

And then he nicks them back.

If we stick close to him, it just might lead us to him. Hold up, he's going.

Why'd he stop here?

Arthur, do you need a diagram?

What?

Oh.

Yeah, I wish I had a camera.

Oh, don't be so disgusting.

For evidence.

You know, a bit of leverage.

Oh, yeah, I see what you mean.

You know, I would never have put old Merv down for a slap -and -tickle

I thought the only thing that set his pulses racing was the ping of the cash

register.

You know, we wondered how Gino's mum got all her money.

New clothes, always down a takeaway.

Clubbing at the weekends, a bingo.

Old Mervyn's a sugar daddy.

Two, please.

New members?

We're with Mr Kravitz's party.

Just gone through.

Two pounds, please.

Two pounds.

Eight and five, eighty -five.

1 and 3, 13.

6 and 2, 62.

House.

House called on number 62.

And here's Melanie with the check.

Checking one line, line at page 62 is on the claim. The numbers are 12, 43, 52

and 17.

House correct.

Well done, sir. On to the full house. All the 8s, 88.

5 and 9, 59.

On its own, number 4.

Number four.

Mervin. I didn't know you... Shh.

I didn't know you was a bingo man.

Amy. Right on, Merv.

Merv, come on in if you're ready.

Hello there. What are you doing here, Ray? We like the game a lot, though.

Seven and six. Seventy -six.

I've never seen you here before.

No, we usually go up Anberway.

Eyes down for a full house. Eighty -eight. Clickety -click, eh? Number

You play the next one, Lucy. I need to have a few words with Arthur.

And all the fours. Forty -four. Right. Look after Lucy.

Large scotch.

And, uh... V80.

And vodka pini. Large.

You mustn't keep me out too late, Merle. I stay too long at the bingo. Her

indoors will get it into her head. I've got a totty.

All right, thanks.

Oh, Arthur.

I'd like to talk to you, man to man.

Something on your mind, Merv? I don't want you jumping to the wrong

Appearances can be deceptive. Oh, you are not wrong there, Mervyn.

Things are seldom what they seem.

Skimmed milk masquerades as cream.

I've known Lucy for a very long time. Please, Mervyn, please.

As far as I'm concerned, a man's affairs are his own.

Oh, knowing you endo -intended.

They are not fodder for the chattering classes and their waggling tongues

heaping aspersions on perfectly innocent people.

I'm glad you said that, Arthur. Dragging his name through the gutter of gossip

and tarnishing his reputation with malicious tittle -tattle. Exactly.

You see, a man of my marriage... Marriage, you mean?

Yes. To your wife?

Yes. Maureen.

He has to be on his guard against certain stories getting around.

Could be misconstrued.

Too right. You see, if my relationship... Am I... platonic

with Lucy were to be... Bandied.

Bandied by... A gossipmonger.

A third party.

Enough said.

Then there could be... Repercussions.

Hell to pay.

Never hit the end of it.

May I say something, Murph?

I am not without experience in these matters. I have had, as you know, a 41

-year association with her indoors that is the envy of West London. I know you'd

understand.

But we also have our tensions.

We have recently fallen foul of another demon of a different colour.

Oh, what's that then? The root of all evil.

Money trouble.

You have money troubles.

You know that consignment of motor scooters that are procured from your

self? The bikes.

All nicked.

My entire capital gone in one foul swoop.

I don't mind for myself, but...

When I see her indoors fretting over the gas bill, one cannot afford to have

one's other half upset. That can lead to all sorts of complications.

I'll get it sorted.

Good man.

I will, of course, need an element of compensation.

So, come on, what did you say to him? We simply discussed the sanctity of the

marital state.

And? He agreed it's a sacred institution and the scooters will be back on the

car lot six o 'clock tonight.

Or we could get them delivered direct to the pizza man.

I'm glad to see all those years of tuition haven't been wasted on you.

You fix it up while I drop off at the lock -up.

Yeah, they'll be delivered direct to your van park.

Yeah, I thought you would.

Eh?

Yeah, great.

A large Americano with extra pepperoni and, yeah, a bung and a fried egg.

Sweet.

Yeah, and the same to you from me and Arthur.

Yeah.

Laters.

Pizza man's happy?

He seems to be.

Everything's worked out all right, then. Yeah. You know, I think Arthur's luck's

changed at last.

Got some bikes for you.

Compliments of Mr. Kravitz.

Yeah, which one are you? Madonna or the Queen?

What? Never mind. Look, I want you to drop them off at Pizza Palermo's van

Scrubs Lane.

When you get there, say Arthur Daly sent you.

Who did he ask for?

Well, you asked for the pizza man.

No, no, he's not here.

He's just left.

Well, have you tried his lockup?

Blimey.

Did you talk to the pizza man?

We had a nice long chat.

What about?

Told him how those two sewer rats had ripped you off. That's why he hadn't

delivered. What did he say?

He wanted to talk to him.

Personally. A personal chat with a pizza man.

Ray Daly?

Yeah, Dave.

You what?

When?

I don't believe you.

Yeah, yeah, on our way.

Here, Arthur.

That was Dave. I don't know how to tell you this. I forgot to mention.

The lock -up's on fire.

Right, hello.

Here we go.

Right behind you.

You can be concentrated in that corner.

I'm going to hold you.

Fortunately, the fire is restricted to one corner of the building.

We got the alarm call early enough, so we should be able to contain it so it

doesn't spread too far.

Well, that was lucky.

Unfortunately, we arrived too late to save the stack of fridge freezers, which

we suspected where the fire started from.

We're not sure yet, but we think the fault lies in the electrical problem

the refrigeration unit.

And bloody cowboys, you know. They should have been returned to the

manufacturers. Well, they just don't care, do they?

I hope you're insured.

Oh, yes, yes, I'm a belt and braces man as far as that sort of thing's

concerned.

Tell me, why do you have so many appliances plugged into the mains at the

time?

I was expecting a consignment of frozen fish.

Scotland.

That's a right bonfire.

That fortune seems to dog you, Mr Daly.

The vicissitudes of life, Mr Dukesbury.

One must expect the odd banana skin.

In my experience, when people take out an insurance, they're very often tempted

to give calamity a bit of a helping hand.

You're not imputing impropriety, I do hope.

The chief officer was most emphatic. No sign of foul play.

Twenty years' experience tells me accidental electrical overload of a 40

For which I am completely covered.

as per page four, paragraph three, subsection two.

Subsection three, actually.

Oh. Gentlemen, I think I can guarantee peace in our time.

You made it to the pawnbrokers in time, then? Yeah, the little chicks are ready

to go back to their nest.

What you got there?

Complimentary from the pizza man for delivering the scooters. Oh, that's a

gesture. There you are, another satisfied customer.

Here, do you want a slice? No, no, no, no. Bottom food brings me out.

Now, it's touch and go for a minute there, Arthur.

But I reckon you've had a right result.

If you can keep your head when all about are losing theirs, you're a better man

than I am. What's his name?

No, personally, I must admit, I thought we'd had it.

I just hope you learnt your lesson.

What's that?

Know when to quit when you're behind.

Never, Ray, never.

Nerve, backbone.

That's what made this island race what it is. With qualities like that, no

matter how dark the hour, how grave the peril, there is no terror that cannot be

faced.

That was her endorse on the blower. She's come back early.

She's in a terrible state.

She reckons you've been burgled.

Right.

Now, here's the plan.