Original subtitles

Detective Sergeant.

Detective Sergeant.

Perhaps he's asleep.

A sleeping policeman?

We could do with a few of them down our road.

Detective Sergeant Morley.

We're agreed then, Detective Sergeant.

Agreed? If it's all right with you.

Absolutely. It's agreed then.

Detective Sergeant Morley to volunteer as technical advisor for all security

equipment purchased by the committee in aid of the Senior Citizens'

Neighbourhood Watch Fund.

When talking of purchasing security equipment, as your Madam Chairperson,

taken the liberty of appointing an official purchasing officer to work hand

glove with you, Detective Sergeant.

You're dialing to Europe?

Yeah, that's the one.

Greetings.

I see you started without me.

Fair enough.

We also finished without you.

20 minutes ago.

Ah, well, you see, Madam Chair Human, I wasn't sure whether you said half past

six or half past seven. So I decided to give it the benefit of the doubt and opt

for the latter.

Incorrectly, it would seem.

Mr Morley! What a pleasant surprise.

Mr Daly has most generously offered his services on behalf of our little

enterprise. I'm jolly lucky to get him, I say.

Perhaps you'd like to give us an update on progress?

Ah, well, unfortunately, the intended supplier of the merchandise germane to

committee's requirements, i .e. door chains, peepholes, likewise, has been

inadvertently detained and is unable to furnish the committee with the

aforementioned items. But when a flower dies, it becomes part of the great

compost of life, I always say.

But what exactly are you proposing we spend our money on, Mr Daly?

Telescopes.

State of the art, astrologically approved, precision instrumentation from

land that first hurtled an unwitting mongrel into outer space.

Telescopes? What possible use would our eldest and dearest have for

intergalactic Russian telescopes?

Mr Morley, you of all people should be aware of the value of the old adage,

forewarned is forearmed.

I mean, how much notice do you get looking through a spiral?

I mean, the black has probably got his jemmy in the door, Jan.

While his potential victim is wondering whether she's about to get a surprise

visit from Barry Manilow.

No, no, no. Ladies and gentlemen, the beauty of telescopes is you can spot

nefarious characters on Venus, never mind the end of the road.

It is a great leap into the space age of crime prevention. I think you'll all

agree.

Oh, he's a captain of industry, supposed to function when his operational nerve

centre is bunked to the ceiling with lumps of cardboard.

What do you need three score of astronomical telescopes for, anyway?

When Dame Opportunity knocks, you do not leave her standing in a porch like a

lemon. You invite her in, offer her suitable accommodation.

And this office and my desk is not it, so come on, make the space for them.

only for a few days.

Don't tell me you've got a buyer.

Well, actually, this consignment is in the nature of a donation to a very

cause. What, you're giving them away?

In the biblical sense of the word, certainly, yes.

Trade, plus VAT, of course, plus any transportation involvement, and a token

facilities fee for my extra mural expenses.

Uh -huh.

Raymond, charities hate to think they're sponging, believe me.

Now, in the meanwhile, shift them.

Well, honest, Arthur, it's chocker out there.

Well, in that case, you could usefully use the run -up to the weekend by making

an inventory.

But it's a bank ology, Arthur. Perfect timing.

Opportunity is a fickle mistress, Ray.

She keeps very unsocial hours.

Bit like that nurse you've been dalliancing with for the last two weeks.

Oh, God, she's going to kill me. Don't think it's gone unnoticed. Well, what am

I supposed to do, ditch her in for something in a night of five, Jock? Not

all, Raymond, not at all. Adjust, adapt.

Avail yourself of the resources of the daily empire.

What's that?

A pager.

Part of a paging system I've just inaugurated at considerable personal

Wear it about your person at all times.

We cannot afford to let opportunities pass us by in this business.

Faden Powell had the right idea.

Dib, dib, dib. Ghoulie gang wants it. Be prepared. That's the one.

And be good.

Hi,

honey. I'm home.

Amanda? Winston!

How do I look?

I love it.

It should entertain the patients as well, then.

I've got to go on nights tonight.

What? I couldn't find anyone to cover.

What could I say?

I'm off at five, though.

Hmm.

Yep.

Of course I wasn't.

What do you think?

Yeah. I'll be right over.

Yeah.

Here we go.

My beloved.

Ray? What's happening?

What you said. About opportunities.

This mate of mine in the waste disposal business had this skip that wasn't

rented out till Tuesday.

So I asked him to park it up here for the weekend.

We dump a load of old tat and it doesn't cost you a penny.

Smart old what, eh? Load of old tat?

Raymond, we do not have loads of old tat that need dumping.

We have clearance sales.

Now, move all that back in lock -up.

It's a load of old rubbish, Arthur. I mean, what is anyone going to want with

bunch of Imperial Petroleum pre -motorway maps, eh? Oh, I don't know.

Recapture their lost youth, perhaps.

Recall the days when they used to tootle down leafy byways in their MG Sprigit

or whatever.

There is always a great future in the past, Raymond.

Now, put them back.

All right, then. How about these?

Decimal conversion table tea towels.

Well, not an obvious snip, I grant you.

But you are overlooking the needs of the emergent third world countries.

Some of these places, they still deal in beads and livestock.

When they get around to coinage, need I say more?

You are also ignoring their commercial potential as ethnic Arab egg gear.

What other of my investments have you so precipitously ditched during my

absence? Well, two gross of Kodak 120 film, circa 1954.

Couple of cases of Canadian sockeye tinned salmon, priced one and three

eight, Nick.

Yeah, maybe we could shift them job lot with the older decibel conversion tea

towels, eh, Arthur? Am I keeping you up?

What about this, then? Here you are.

A treat for all the connoisseurs of the original lo -fi.

600 cartridge cassettes for the Partridge family. 20 great seats.

I mean, not even second -hand Cecil would give a pre -decimal brass farthing

this trot, Arthur.

Second -hand?

Raymond, I'm very nearly proud of you.

Authentic Vietnamese cuisine, Cecil.

Culinary experience.

As walked by indigenous boat people.

How would you know?

You're happy to take?

Mm, yeah, but anything nautical, I come over all queasy.

The business.

Cecil, as one of the more judicious collectors of contemporary history, I am

a position to offer you a cornucopia of collective memorabilia dating back to

the swingin' fifties.

Such items as have been authenticated by a sound man on your actual antiques

roadshow.

You know me, Arthur.

If it has dust in it, I'm interested.

Have some more rice wine.

Yeah,

well, I'm not sure an apology's really good enough.

Yeah, you say you're sorry, but how do I know you really mean it?

Yeah, well, I think you're going to have to prove just how sorry you really are.

What?

Yeah.

What, the pink one?

Uh -huh.

Yeah, yeah, I think that would do nicely.

Yeah.

Oh, I don't believe it.

No, no, no, no.

Here, listen, Amanda, I've got to run.

Yeah, tonight then, yeah?

Laters. Bye.

What do you think?

He didn't have to use language.

Not in public.

A courtly, not today, Arthur, thank you, would have sufficed.

Civility costs nothing, Raymond.

Which is more than I can say for Korean nosebag.

Yeah, well, if you'd listened to me in the first place, you could have saved

yourself a few sobs.

You've never fully comprehended the complex infrastructure of the free

system, have you, Ray?

If it ever got out that I had been caught in flagrante with what you so

describe as unsaleable tat, a lifetime's dedication to entrepreneurial

excellence would go straight down the porcelain.

And if it ever got back to Taiwan, an entire economy would... would follow it

down.

That's my new flatmate.

Raquel, meet Uncle Arthur.

Raymond, can you hear something?

Is that the door knocking?

If I'm not mistaken, Dame Opportunity is waiting in the porch.

1 ,200 including delivery, is it?

Your final offer, you say?

I couldn't do it to you, Mr. Daly. I respect you too much.

To accept a man's final offer without an appropriate counteroffer would be an

insult to his bargaining skills.

Businessmen such as us thrive on the haggle. To deny the thrill would be

disrespectful.

800.

I know you're doing it for me, Mr. Nolan.

1 ,000.

900. Done.

Plus the van.

Ah.

You deliver in the morning.

Look, if you like to divvy up while the ink's still wet, I'd quite understand.

A gesture of commercial goodwill.

Ah, you're a flamer out of Delhi, no mistake.

Well, wind out family, you know.

A wily bunch of gypsies, right? It's the only word for them.

The eyes of a saint and the tongue of an estate agent.

Mind you, when it comes to wheeler -dealer -ing, we're talking First

Oh, you're not that bad yourself, Arthur.

I mean, from Racco to Goldfish, the number of prices at the pump there, St

Maggie would have been proud of you.

Enterprising, Ray.

Bordering on the competent.

But not to be compared with a great lady.

I mean, flogging those national resources back to the taxpayer who owned

the first place, I mean, that was impressive.

If her friends hadn't pulled a rug from under her, she'd have had people queuing

up to buy shares in fresh air.

Why not?

Come on, Alfred, let's have a go on this. No, no, no, no, that goes up and

Come on, miss.

We can't go in a teacup.

We've got the keys.

No, no, it goes round and round.

How about this?

What do you want to go on it?

Left, right, right, right, what?

We're all left.

It's not the steering wheel, is it? No, it's not. Left, left, we're going left.

That's it, that's it. Get those kids.

Yeah, go get there. Go get there, get there, get there.

It's like the official size ball.

Here, Sandy, this is the geezer we saw last week, isn't it?

Sarge!

I told her you were out the last time.

Oh, tell her again!

She's very insistent, Sarge.

Wants a personal word with her little technical advisor.

After your body, if you ask me.

Mrs Mitchell, how nice to hear from you again.

How best can I serve the needs of your most estimable little watch committee?

Ah, no, I think you'll find that transport is a matter that falls within

sphere of your purchasing officer, Mr Daly.

Oh, did he indeed?

Well, I suppose a man with 60 astronomical telescopes on his hands is

be a bit farsighted, isn't he?

Well, much as I appreciate the honour, Mrs Mitchell, that'll be my pleasure,

Mitchell.

She only wants me to take the check round to Daly for this unfavourable

rip -off of his.

That's all.

No, no, no, two adults.

Hey,

come on, Ray. Come on, I won't tell if you won't. Have a go.

What did you get?

But you know they want to win.

Is he in? Thank you. Is he in?

I'm not going to scream this time.

two adults oh get off yeah why not it's fun thank you

very much

All in the good cause, Mr Morley.

All in the good cause.

I know, I know. I have a slip.

Sorry, Arthur.

I'm delighted to hear it, Randall.

I do not like to see my staff doing a full day's work on less than a full

night's skip.

Sorry? The unsaleable tap, as you so demeaningly described it.

Needs loading up and shipping down to the fairground, doesn't it?

Before that smarmy bog -trotter Alexei comes to the same conclusion.

Come on, move.

Up a bit, up a bit. Yeah, Arthur, I know how to fire a gun, all right?

Take your pick, stand down.

No, mate, you keep it.

A touch more corporate loyalty, it wouldn't come amiss.

Yes, no favors, Mr. Daly, but a finer array of quality prizes I've still yet

give. Alexei.

Absolutely.

You know, the moment we struck our deal, I said to myself, careful, Alexei, this

one's a sly boot. What's he after, I thought?

Can't be the money. Oh, it is, it is. I'll show you it is.

Ah,

you're a flamer, all right, huh?

A measly 900 for such quality merchandise?

No.

Old Schleibutz was after something, I thought. Mr. Nolan. He's only got his

on one of me little gluttons, I thought.

That's it.

Wants a piece of the real action, so he does. And here am I, all ready to insult

his intelligence by handing him over the money.

He'd never forgive me. Oh, oh, yes he would. I'll come vouch for it. Only

to trade for one of me little gluttons.

Am I right, or am I right?

Go on, tell me what you see.

Fruit machine.

No, you don't.

What you see are special fruit machines.

You mean their rigs.

Let's say they're encouraged to pay for the bank.

What makes them special is that they only pay out jackpots. Big ones, too.

big ones.

Fifty pound jackpots? You must be mad.

They're also customised to make a bit of a thong and dance about it, as you can

see.

Pays time for time.

Indubitably. Especially a shop to feed the blessed thing four or five hundred

quid before they even think of giving any back.

That's very nearly immoral.

I knew you'd approve.

Glutton, the latter of them.

With a thousand percent profitability ratio.

A thousand percent?

Any machine that takes your fancy. Plus six hundred and crit wellingtons.

There, you've talked me into it.

You're a hard man, Mr. D.

But if those are your terms, you force me to accept.

I think that was the door hammering away again. Was that a look you gave me,

Raymond? Just choose one. Let's get out of here. That was definitely a look you

gave me. I don't believe he talked you out of it.

Here you are, lad. Give him a whirl. Anyone you like.

You haven't listened to a blind thing, have you? About being prepared.

Dib, dib, dib.

Ever vigilant for that elusive little earner. He had the money in his hand and

he talked you out of it. A little, little a look.

And a tad's more listening, is my advice.

It was a deal, Arthur. He's done you for 300 quid.

Like a gypsy's garden shed, isn't it?

Look at this. It ain't worth three quid. He's had you on a wind -up, Arthur.

It's a load of rubbish.

This will look right in a Winchester, though.

Arthur, it stayed with a beard on. Come and have a look at this one.

Arthur.

Come and find me.

Where are you?

Come and look at this.

Brand new.

Arthur, I don't think these are what Alexei had in mind.

Well, neither do I.

Gives me great pleasure. Don't start it, Field.

All in a good cause, Mr Morley.

All in a good cause.

Dave.

Large one.

Gives 50p, will you?

No objections if I play your machine daily?

None at all, Mr Morley, none at all.

Squander away.

You're nicked.

No gaming license.

Ah, I think you're jumping to a misconception there, Mr. Morley. I was

checking out the machinery prior to offering it to you for a watch commit

charity bash.

All profits go into a worthwhile cause, I think you'll agree.

And what would that be then? The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to

Leprechauns. Eh?

They're all Irish, Staley.

It's not legal tender hereabouts.

Tokens, Mr Morley.

Purely tokens.

Tokens, Dave.

Well,

you wouldn't expect me to flout the stringent gaming laws of this country

shelling out coins at a realm, would you?

So what you're saying is, David, I don't cop the return on my 50p investment.

You could add fraud to the list of charges.

Dave, 50 from the tail, if you will.

Consider it the Winchester's contribution to tomorrow's charity

That'll do. Here you are.

Bangles are a pair.

What? Bangles are a pair, not 50p. There's more glass.

Here you are.

Mickey Mouse money not accepted.

What are you talking about?

Republic of Ireland, 1988.

Republic of Ireland, 1988.

Republic of Ireland, 1988.

Excuse me.

All new, all Irish, and all the same date. So what's the SP, Arthur? First

they're in the fruit machine, then they're in my spare change.

Note, the spare change which I acquired at the fairground.

I smell rodents, Ray. Big Irish ones. Get your coat.

This is all worth it, Arthur. We've got to get a closer look at those machines.

Two adults, please.

I want to know what they're up to.

Thanks, Bill.

Something to come for a quick job.

Just get this one that you...

You got it?

I won't go.

Why's it taking longer than the other one? I don't know.

Come on.

Yep, that's it.

I've got this in. Yep, there you go.

There you are.

Full of money.

A bit of new art.

Exactly. Get one of those out. Go on, rent one out.

I'll give you three guesses.

It must be.

It must be what? It must be the same.

Arthur, what are you going on about?

The Dublin Mint Robbery, 1988, 200 Gransworth. The only reason I remember

because it was all insomniac.

Coins change.

I thought at the time, typical, you know. Out with the washing, back at

Makes you smug, do you reckon? Yeah. Why bring it all here? You could hardly

unload half a tonne of hot coinage on your own turf, could you?

Even PC Paddy could run that. Hang on, hang on, look.

What better way to smuggle a load of coins in but in a load

of slot machines?

Wood for the trees principle.

It's my lovely money, Arthur. They can't spend it here. I thought you said they

were all wiring. That is the only word for them, Ray. Put that back on. Give me

that. Let's get out of here.

Alex is laundering it, or more accurately, in his case, rinsing it

drip at a time, dropping it in with a change from the ghost ride.

Oh, he's admirable.

When you find a rogue Irish drapmer in your slummy from some fairground, you're

not immediately going to say, oh, I have inadvertently stumbled on some

international currency scam, are you?

Of course not. You pass it on to the most likely -looking muggins that comes

along next.

Oh, you've got to hand it to these boys.

They'll be over for it.

Here, Arthur, if they're so smart, how long is it going to take them to spot

that you've snitched one of their wooden horses?

Well, they won.

Arthur, the machine down the club, the one that you weren't supposed to take,

the one that's full of their ill guns, they find out you'll end up more

rearranged than Michael Jackson.

No worries, Bray.

That particular machine is about to be transferred to the safe custody of our

trusty boys in blue.

Oh, my God.

Dave?

Dave! Dave, it's Arthur!

Dave!

Dave!

David, it's Arthur!

Yes,

but we don't accept coins.

Not when exchanging foreign currency.

I know banks don't as a rule, Miss, but I thought, look, as these are fresh, and

you are the Irish trust bank, I mean, you can see for yourself that they are

real McCoy.

I'm sorry.

It's all right, Carol.

I'm sure we can stretch a rule.

If the gentleman would care to give me a few details.

Of course. I don't want to lug this lot back, do I?

So where's Dave, then?

I'd hardly be puked with delirium if I knew, would I? Watch it, get safe.

When do you decide to go part -time? This is a business, not a day at the

And perhaps you'd like to shed some light on things before we all run out of

Duracells. Oh, yeah, Sergeant Morley collected that first thing. What? Yeah,

before he went... No, no, no, apologies, I'll have to wait.

Where are we going, Arthur?

Mr. Bacchus, please come to reception.

Longford Sweet.

Excuse me, my dear. Longford Sweet.

Mr Morley!

What an unpleasant surprise.

Is this a private visit or can anyone get had over?

Unkind, Mr Morley. Very unkind.

Well, I am here today as a matter of social conscience.

That's what Hitler said when he invaded Poland.

No, no, no. Seriously, Mr Morley.

I have been giving careful consideration to the political ramifications of

putting temptation in the path of upright citizens.

Good intentions notwithstanding. I mean, what is a prurient society going to say

when it sees an esteemed body like the Watch Committee encouraging gambling?

Look at the press, we'll have a field day.

No, no, no, I'll get Ray to come round with a van and we'll take it away. Don't

worry about it, Daly, it's all for charity.

So be it, Mr Morley.

Now, I think I ought to tell you, this particular machine has not yet undergone

the rigorous reliability tests necessary for a daily guarantee.

I can't risk my reputation, or indeed yours, with iffy merchandise.

So I'll give Ray a shot.

That seems to be working all right to me.

Good morning.

Can I be honest with you?

I have reason to believe that this particular machine does not play

the Mark Whisser -Queensbury rules, if you get my drift.

You mean it's rigged? Well, let's say I cannot vouch for its provenance.

How much?

Unofficially. How much has some poor punter got to put in there before he

result?

100?

150?

Tell me if I'm getting warm.

500. I'll go and get Ray. We'll take the van round.

Like you said, Daly, it's all in a good cause.

Nothing there, I'm afraid.

A director from Dublin office.

There, I know it.

Did you get them? Yeah.

One DJ with matching money built. Oh, that's marvellous. And 600 quid's worth

50p. Oh, that's lovely.

What's going on, Arthur?

I'm going to get the money out of that machine before Morley and Co. tweak.

Oh, that's nice.

That's how you're going to do that.

I'm going to win it back. Start filling them pockets.

All of them? Yeah, it's all of them. Go on.

One old staff alert, director.

Knew it.

Obviously, after your windfall, I checked the back of the machine, and

of this Irish funny money, so I took it down to bank.

Well, I can't tell you more than that, Sergeant Morley.

Oh, yes, you can.

You can tell us where Daly got the machine.

You had to pull me out.

Come on, it's... Don't draw

attention to us.

Steady? Yeah.

Go on.

Right.

Yeah. All right.

It's number 59, aren't they?

Yeah, fine, fine.

Bumped into me.

He's not at the lock -up.

He's not at the car lock.

He's not at home.

We'd like to know where he is.

Please. I've just dropped him off at the charity bash.

What's your problem?

I don't have a problem with sunshine.

Tell Raymond what I do have.

A warrant.

A little match of 200 ,000 quid with a coinage, Nick, from the Dublin Mint.

I don't know.

We've had the fruit machines, we've had the funfairs, we've had the gypsies, the

whole story.

We've got Uncle Arthur surrounded.

It's called complicity.

Serious naughties, I'm afraid.

What is of immediate appeal is the thought of arresting Arthur in front of

those bleeding hearts that bought his ridiculous telescope.

Yeah, I wouldn't do that, Mr Morley. I know you wouldn't. No, I mean it.

Arthur's innocent.

No, I mean Morley!

I said Arthur's innocent.

And if you let me...

I think I can prove it.

What fun.

Mind if I have a platter? Yes, I do. Go away.

Another one, if you... Sure.

I knew all along I should never have crossed bargain and swords with the

of Arthur.

Schleyboots, or whoever they was, weren't they?

Pick or pick?

Nah, Arthur would kill me.

What are you wants?

He's one of your new ones.

You know, Lexi.

Like I picked up from before.

Yeah.

One like this.

Where is the conniving little scrot bike?

I don't know, do I?

I could try the Fairview Hotel.

Mr. Daly, please, we're here to try and prevent the crime.

Oh, yes, Madam Chairman Hume. Personally.

Councillor Griffiths.

You don't want to let it get to you, man?

What? No, no, no, don't let me keep you. To rest is not to do, darling, as they

say.

Come along. Let me introduce you to a few colleagues.

Could be handy, if you never know.

There's some opportunities and all that.

Business opportunities, you're saying?

Shouldn't you answer that? There's a phone nearby.

It might be important.

Answer what?

Damn

thing.

This is the season.

Come on, come on.

Where can I find Arthur, dearly friend? I think you'll find him in the Longford

room, Squire.

It's all yours.

Look, if Arthur was in on it with Nolan, why the panic to get the machine back?

Proves he took the wrong one.

The minute Arthur did twig what was inside it. Ah, so he did know what was

on then.

Originally, no.

I mean, he'd hardly lend it to you for the old beano, would he? Knowing it's

packed full of stolen coins.

That's what he's out there now, trying to win them back.

So if you don't mind... I think we need your statement down the nick.

Like what?

Don't worry.

long before you'd sell him, Sarge?

And he's fed in a good 400 at least.

It's all in a good cause, Field.

It's all in a good cause.