All language subtitles for Minder s08e07 A bird in the hand is worth two in Shepherds bush

oh

I know we're in the common market, but
when it comes to currency, Carl, I'm

strictly a one -language man.

Carl, I never talk in Deutschmarks.

When it comes to that, I never have it
in yen, dollars, potatoes, avocados.

Over here, red is always coming
sterling.

Have a word with your colleagues.

Ja, tera.

What? Ja, I'll be sent, you two.

Tera.

Come in there, old soldier, was he,
Arthur?

Billy.

What distinguishes the ruling class from
the rest of this country?

Vast amounts of money, influence and
power.

Well done, Billy, but you missed out one
important element.

You. No, no, no.

The old school tie.

England's equivalent to the Masonic
handshake, Mafia oath and Cubs salute

rolled into one. If you are wearing the
right tie, all doors in this grey and

peasant land are open to you.

I think it's time the man in the street
got in on the act. And I am thinking

particularly... Over the man in the
streets of Bradford and surrounding

districts. I never go for that. Most of
them never wear a tie.

I'm aware of that, Billy.

The working man's answer to the old
school tie.

Old school braces.

Now, don't tell me you're allowed to
stop wearing braces.

As you see, they come in a variety of
cunning colours.

These are the MCC.

Very handy when you and your mates are
trying to slope into the pavilion at

Eddingwood.

Bradford City.

And Arrow O 'Neill.

I can also offer you... Brigade of
Guards, Royal Green Jacket, 7th and 12th

Lancers, and Old Etonian.

A man wearing a pair of these will find
no door closed to him.

And, with the aid of discerning
selection, he can stroll down the

power, rub shoulders with the crowned
heads of Europe, and take his rightful

place in the sun.

I'll get these, Arthur. Top.

And one for yourself, Dave.

Thanks very much, Billy. I'll have half
with you.

So that's agreed, then. 200 a day for
raised services, plus any unforeseen

expenses. And, of course, plus VAT.

That's 17 .5%. I didn't know you was
registered, Arthur.

Dave, I seem to spend most of my life
collecting money on behalf of Her

Majesty's Government.

Cheers, Billy.

Arthur, I am grateful to you. This job
needs someone that is 100 % reliable.

That's what I offer, Billy. Total
reliability.

Is that right, Dave?

Oh, your reliability is legendary,
Arthur.

Legendary. There's just two points,
Billy.

I don't like my staff bothered with the
financial arrangements I've made on

their behalf.

Secondly, for security reasons, don't
inform him what the job is until you're

halfway there. I'm glad to see you're
taking it so seriously.

All right, all loaded up, Billy.

Car's outside.

Now then, Dave, I'm really ready for a
drink and some food.

I'll have a pint of lager, two rounds of
your beef sandwiches and, yeah, a

couple of sausage rolls. No, no, no,
Ray, there's no time for all that. I'm

sending you off on a very special
mission with Billy here.

In that case, then cancel the sausage
rolls and make it one round of beef.

Ray, look, do you think I've got the top
of the tree fretting about beef

sandwiches? Captains of industry,
Raymond, are not preoccupied with lager

sausage rolls.

You're right, they're not.

More like smoked salmon and a bottle of
Chablis. All right, Billy, get him

something on the way, will you?

You'd better stop off and pick up an
overnight bag. There's a couple of score

for your exes.

Yeah, but where am I going?

This is no time for philosophy, Ray.
There's work to be done. What's he done?

Now then, Ray.

This is all right, eh?

Yeah, great.

So what's this special mission I'm on?
You, Ray, are going to look after a

little diamond.

Why? You are a ruby, a pearl beyond
compare.

I didn't know you'd do it in precious
time. I am talking, Ray, about the best

cock in Bratford.

And I wouldn't cut him here in wealth.

Young Sam is a one -off.

You could spend a lifetime and never see
his like again.

The finest racing pigeon I've ever
handled.

Racing pigeon?

Are you telling me Arthur's got me
minding a racing pigeon? He certainly

and I hope you feel privileged.

I'm feeling a lot of things right now,
Billy, and privilege is not one of them.

You, Ray, are crucial for the race.

What race? Challenge race.

Young Sam against Pride of Pudgy, that's
Dan Suttlesburg. You know, he used to

be my partner.

I think I've had the pleasure. I'm not
business partner. We used to race

together in partnership. That was before
the Barcelona 89, unless they'd about

that the better. Well, how do I fit into
all of this? The race is from London to

Bradford. You, Ray, will accompany
Stan's nominated conveyor from Bradford

London, and then you will both release
the birds.

And that is the special mission that
Arthur was going on about?

It certainly is.

Yeah, I'm in a business meeting at the
moment. I'll ring you later. Ta -da.

Are you ready to order, sir? I most
certainly am.

A good day's work deserves its just
reward, eh?

Indeed, sir.

I'll have the smoked salmon to start
with, and then the filet mignon, medium,

with some courgette, broccoli and
mushrooms.

And to drink, sir?

Yeah, a bottle of Nuit Saint -Georges.
Go down the street.

Certainly, sir.

Anything else?

Yes, as a matter of fact, there is. That
gent's outfit was in the foyer.

I've got some stock that would really go
a treat in there.

Old school braces.

Do you, by any chance, know the manager?

Yes. Well, perhaps you'd like to tell me
about him when you've given my order to

the chef.

Certainly, sir.

I'll not say you were 19 children short
of a phone, but last boat race, this

fella wanted to put a five in each way
on Cambridge.

Did you take it?

Hey, up, lads. Hey, up, hey, up.

Here's a fella going to lose a pigeon
race come tomorrow night.

What's that?

Have a drink, Billy. Have a drink.

My lager.

Lager?

That's a car, isn't it?

We'll have two bites of best bitters,
Dan. You'll get that, Tom.

So, who's this then? This is Ray Daly.
He'll be conveying the birds with your

nominee. Ray, this is Dan Sorrell.

Known to his mates and absolutely all
the bugger, as on his stamp.

Get that down, you. There you are.
Cheers.

Yeah,

that's not bad, is it?

What are you starting to collect, then,
if your bird wins? Silver cap or

something? There's no coops with this
race, lad.

It's a straight bet.

And the bet is £10 ,000.

£10 ,000 on a pigeon race?

Are you sure you know what you're doing,
Billy? I've never been sure a young Sam

is trained to beat perfection. He'll
walk it. For your sake, he doesn't. What

you've got to remember is don't let them
birds out your side, Ray. There's a lot

of money riding on this race.

So it seems.

Yeah, but I would have thought you and
Billy would have gone to London and

released them yourselves.

There's no way they could get from
London to Bradford faster than the

And there's no way they'll be anywhere
else but in their pigeon lofts when you

liberate. Exactly.

Liberate? You make it sound like war.

That's just what it is, lad. And it's
one I intend to win. Oh, are you that

confident you should be giving better
odds than even then? You're right,

right. I'll tell you what, I'm offering
now two to one against young Sam.

Excellent. Excellent.

Before you know it, every tourist in
your hotel will be twanging his MCC

No, no, no. No, not really. I suppose
not.

Well, that's six dozen mixed, then.

Thank you very much, Mr. Jonathan Smith.

One of my fleet of vans will deliver
them before close of business tomorrow.

Yes, thank you very much.

Goodbye.

Billy. Bill.

I'm going to shoot off, mate.

Right, I'll run you back to your hotel.
No, no, no problem.

You're having a good time with your
pals.

Just, er, what time tomorrow?

You must be at Gloucester Square Station
for 8 .30am.

Are you sure you can find your hotel?

I'm fine, Billy.

Fine.

No, no, no, look, I tell you, it goes
like a bird.

Now, look, the only reason it's so cheap
is because I am not a greedy man.

What do you mean you think you've got
the wrong number?

No, no, look, look, I prefer a quick
turnover rather than have my stock

root on a forecourt.

No, no, look, I'll tell you what I'll
do.

I'll get my assistant to bring it over
to you tomorrow afternoon.

You're going to have a test drive, no
obligation.

If you like it, you're going to have it
for 5 ,000, and that includes the

fabulous Arthur Daly six -month
warranty.

Yeah, he'll be with you about four o
'clock. His name's Ray Daly.

That was pucker.

Would you like to see the sweet rolly,
sir?

Oh, no, thanks. I couldn't eat another
crumb.

Could I just have a coffee?

In a cognac?

Yes, please.

Twice, please. Very good, sir.

Thanks.

That was lovely, wasn't it? Yeah.

Right, now you've got a thing for your
supper.

You what?

Full my sins asked you what that lot in
the pub were roaring on about.

Oh, right.

Like the Widowood system.

Yeah, that's it.

How come you know about pigeon?

Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking a
girl from Liverpool how come she knows

about football.

Compulsory up here, is it?

O -levels in pigeon racing.

What, O -levels? No, I could do a degree
course in it.

Right, then.

The widowed system.

Well, it's a method that pigeon fanciers
use to get a better performance.

And in the case of cock, it's based on
their sexual drive.

You have my undivided attention.

You heard from right and offer.

No, Dave, he's probably got his hands
full with them birds.

I'm surprised you haven't been on the
phone complaining about being a pitchy

mite. Ray?

Never, Dave.

Good as gold.

It's breeding, you know. It always will
out.

Breeding? Yeah, Arabian family.

Solid as a rock.

I knew at the moment I clapped eyes on
him.

See, Dave, great men, truly, truly great
men, have this gift of discernment and

the ability to delegate.

I shall have to remember that, Arthur.

So. Having duly delegated, your mind is
entirely at ease.

My mind, Dave, is like the sea of
tranquillity, apart from which Ray can

get in trouble up north.

This pigeon's a wind -up.

Here, Billy!

Where are the trains?

Up to Sheffield. Took track with them.

Now then, sleep all right?

Like a top, mate. Good lad.

Come on, then.

Right, Stan, my nominated conveyor is
here. Now, where's yours?

Don't panic, Billy.

Here she comes now.

Right, as the secretary of Ilkley
Invitation Playing Club, I bring this

to order.

Are the two contestants here? Yes,
certainly are.

You didn't film it.

You didn't ask me.

I'm Stan Torrell's daughter.

I know that now.

Won't you please that I'm coming to
London with you?

Out Polish.

Checkered cot.

Number... GB88.

J -1 -5 -7 -2 -1.

Stop. Ring number?

5 -0 -0 -1 -0 -7.

Duly noted.

Checkered car.

Number 88Z -1 -4 -3 -2 -2.

Ring number?

5 -0 -0 -1 -0 -8.

Duly noted.

Right now, gentlemen.

Merry clocks.

They were sent at a formal meeting of
the entire committee one hour ago.

Best of luck, lads.

Deal number 0197.

Ready? That's it.

You sure there's somebody meeting them
at the other end?

Don't panic, Stanley.

They've been met by the most trustworthy
man in London.

His name's Arthur Daly.

Daly into Europe?

Hello, nostalgic.

Hey, hey, hey, you have called at a very
propitious moment.

Yeah. I have just acquired, literally
five minutes ago, some absolutely

material.

I can offer you in boxed sets in mint
condition the following.

Eartha Kitt meets Billy Graham in
stereo.

The best of Winston Churchill, including
his state funeral.

And the Household Cavalry meet the
Vienna Boys Choir on ice.

Hold on, Noss. Correction, that last
one. The Vienna Boys Choir meets the

Household Cavalry in Nice.

Daily in Europe?

Ray and Dan's daughter Donna left Leeds
Central at 0925. What are you doing in

the lock -up?

I'm talking to you, Billy.

If I was somewhere else, I couldn't do
that, could I?

I want you at Kings Cross Station to
meet that train. We don't want any slip

-ups. There's a lot of brass riding on
this race.

Billy, Billy, don't concern yourself.

Ray's a big boy. He knows his way back
from Kings Cross.

I want you to phone me from Kings Cross
Station the moment they arrive.

Missing?

What do you mean gone missing?

That train was non -stop.

Were you late getting there?

I was not only early, Billy. I also had
to suffer the indignity of being

propositioned by a lady of the night who
was offering some very bizarre

services. You sure they caught that
train?

Arthur, a large part of the Oakley
Invitation Flying Club observed their

departure. Find them, Arthur, and find
them quick.

Young Sam is the finest racing pigeon
inside of the Pennines and he is trained

to peak perfection.

I do not want him traumatised and
corrupted by life in London.

Dave, have you seen that bloody ray?
Would that be the ray who's... Sorry,

there's a rock.

Good as gold and always reliable. Yeah,
that's the one. No, I ain't seen him

since he headed north with Billy. Well,
he's supposed to have headed south.

If he comes in here with some birds and
a bird, nail him to the wall till I get

back. He's gone missing with some
bookie's daughter.

I knew it would be a bird. It always is
with that boy.

It's the only thing he seems to have any
stamina for.

You're only young once, aren't you?

Hello, Bill.

Your phone's been busy.

What's the word on London?

Small problem?

What do you mean, small problem?

Hello?

I now have the situation completely
under control.

I am about to release the birds.

Oh, thank God for that.

Now, let me have a word with Ray and
Donna.

No, no, no, they're not here.

Now, I'm fully equal to the task, Billy,
don't worry. Now, what do I do?

I'll break that seal, yeah?

Don't touch that reel, Arthur.

You read me?

Don't touch it. Leave it alone.

Stand clear.

Move back. Retreat. Do you read me? Do
you understand? Over.

No, I don't, but I'm standing back.

If you break that seal, I'll have
contravened race regulations.

I'd probably have to forfeit, and I'd
certainly be expelled from the Oakley

Club, and I couldn't face that. I'd have
to emigrate.

Now, under the regulations, there has to
be one nominated person from both sides

present when the birds are liberated.
That is Ray representing me and Donna

representing Stan.

and liberation has to be officially
witnessed by you and them.

Now, where are they?

If I knew that, Billy, I wouldn't have
umped this bloody basket all the way up

Primrose Bloody Hill like a bloody
Sherpa.

Well, you'll just have to bloody old
feet back down again, won't you? This is

all highly irregular. Ray and Donna must
be present when the birds are

liberated. Find them, Arthur, and find
them fast.

And whatever you do, you treat those
birds with the utmost care.

You can tell them some of your funny
stories, you can sing to them.

Oi, what would you like to start with?

How about over the wings of a dove?

See that building over there?

Which one?

The white one.

Oh, next to the church? Yeah, that's the
one. Yeah.

My mum and dad had their first date in
that building.

Yeah, some old dinner dance.

I wonder what happened to your uncle?

I don't know.

It's not like him to go missing.

I'm very glad he did, though.

So am I.

Listen, Stan, I have not interfered with
your daughter in any shape or form.

I've never even seen her.

I would very much like to see her. It's
perfectly obvious what's happened here.

She's led Ray astray. That boy's never
so much as looked at her girl before

this.

Look, I am in the middle of a major
export drive, and Ray's continuing

is putting crucial orders in jeopardy.

I've got a whole team of people combing
the city for them.

I'd like to call this crisis meeting of
the Daly family to... Order.

Order, yeah.

I blame you for this, Arthur Daly.

Now, steady on, Doreen. Doreen.

If it's what Ray wants to do... Look,
I'll decide what Ray wants to do, and

thing he definitely should not be doing
is pulling birds when he's supposed to

be looking after pigeons.

You had no right sending him up north
with a pile of cash in his pocket.

You always were generous to a fault,
Arthur.

That's true.

You know what they're like up there.

The place is full of little diamond
hunters wearing high -heeled clogs.

It looks to me like it's a love job,
Arthur.

Love job?

Love job? I'll give him love job.

Now, wait a minute. What makes you say
that?

Well, he brought her home to meet us.

He's never done that before.

Saucy cow.

Hardly had her feet under the table and
calling me mum.

Now, now, don't take...

Well, where's he going with her?

Well, if it's Tuesday, he'll be at
Evelyn and Elm.

No, that's Wednesday.

Tuesday, the Shangri -La.

No.

No, that's... Friday?

No, Arthur, you're wrong there.

Friday is come -as -you -please night
for guests at Macintosh's.

Sorry, mate. I had him paged.

No response.

I just thought I'd have a look for
myself.

Afraid you can't come in then.

You're not properly dressed.

I'll go.

I've laughed at the stupid people, but
you know I've laughed at the stupid

people. You and the children are the
best people, and the best people.

What was that?

Rat. Say that again. Listen, I want a
word with you.

Where have you been?

Liberation of the birds has to be
witnessed.

You what?

I'm vexed. Deeply vexed. You, Raymond,
have left a string of jobs undone.

And you, young lady, are well out of
order.

But at the moment, I want you both to
accompany me to a certain wicker basket.

want them pigeons released.

No, well, that's out the question.

This is Donna. Don't you tell me what's
out the question.

They never rape at night.

You're going to have to wait until
tomorrow, until daylight.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'd
better go and powder my nose.

Sit down, Arthur. Sit down. Take the
weight off your feet. Raymond, your

cavalier attitude has been duly noted.
Come on, they've got to be fed.

I don't want them expiring while they're
in my custody.

I want a very serious talk with you.

Alone. You all right?

Where's Arthur?

He's gone and fed the pigeons.

No. No, they never get fed at this stage
of the race. No, he feeds them now.

He's going to ruin their performance.
Greg, we've got to stop him.

He's taking them.

And I know where he'll be. Stay here.

Right, look, I'll find my dad, that'll
reassure him. I won't be long.

I'll find him. Don't let him feed them.

And tell him that we'll release them in
the morning.

Yeah. Right.

Oh, I bet you're hungry.

That's a minute, that's a minute.

Hang on, Arthur, hang on.

How'd I mustn't be fed, Arthur?

Look, it's escaping.

Hey, come back. Come back.

Come back.

Thank God that one's still in there.

Oh, that's perfect, isn't it?

Perfect. That's all I needed, you to
come in and let one of them pigeons out.

I didn't let him out. Yes, you did.

If you hadn't come in, frightening the
life out of them, they'd both be tucking

into their supper now. It's not my
fault. Donna said they mustn't be fed

a race. Oh, yeah, a bit of skirt turns
your head and suddenly she's an oracle

wisdom. She's helped her father look
after them for years. She knows

there is to know.

Oh, she knows everything, does she?

Perhaps she'd like to come over here and
stop that one messing all my valuable

merchandise. Can't do that. If she finds
out you cut the seal on that basket,

Billy will probably have to forfeit the
race.

Oh! There he is.

I've got... I've got the... No, I
haven't.

Here I am, boy. Here I... Here I... It's
no good shouting at it, Arthur.

It probably only responds to its owner's
voice. Oh, that's brilliant. Which one

is that? And which one is in the basket?
And who owns what?

Well, both owners are Yorkshiremen. We
know that.

So?

Now, come on, lad. Let's be having you
buck into the basket.

That's not a Yorkshire accent.

You sound like a Libyan with laryngitis.

Well, you try, then.

Don't eat it. I wasn't eating it. I was
going to offer it to him.

Here, bread, bread.

Bread, bread.

Come on.

I'm disappointed in you, Ray.

Deeply disappointed.

I had high hopes for you.

I'd even go to far as to say
expectations, but you've been weighed

and found wanting.

What are you going on about, Arthur?

I'm going on about that list of jobs on
the wall in my office.

Jobs that represent the hard money I've
been sweating to earn while you've been

doing a Romeo and Juliet all over the
place.

Here, Harper, I've got something I want
to tell you.

I think I'm in love.

With what?

Donna and me.

It's the real thing.

Stop standing there babbling like a low
-budget Byron. Catch that pigeon!

What have you two been up to, then?

Another all -night party?

Oh, a little nostalgic.

Where did you get... Ray!

Lock that door!

I can't see it, Arthur.

Oh, no, don't say it's escaped.

Oh, no, there's no sign of it.

Must have got out when nostalgic came
in.

What got out?

Pigeon. Racing pigeon.

Oh, I'm sorry, Arthur. The door was
unlocked.

I didn't know you went in for livestock.
Ray, we've got to get a replacement.

Oh, come off it, Arthur.

Well, we can't release one pigeon from
the basket. If your girlfriend knows so

much about them, she can probably also
count up to two. If she sees two birds

flying northwards, Sam fairly an. That's
not the reason why. Yeah, but if two

birds don't arrive back in their coops
or lofts or whatever they're called,

someone is going to want to know the
reason why. Oh, well, Brooke, no further

argument, Raymond. There are three very
good reasons why we must get a

replacement. One, my reputation.

On my behalf, those birds were entrusted
into your care.

Two, we can't let Billy from Bradford
down. He's my northern outlet.

And three, I've got 200 quid on his bird
at six to four. Go and start the car.

If he hadn't opened the basket, none of
this would have happened.

Billy,

top of the morning to you.

It's Arthur.

No, no, Billy.

Billy, calm down.

Look, don't get so excited again. It's
very bad for your blood pressure.

No, no.

No, we haven't released the birds yet.

Very high winds down here.

Virtually a gale.

But, Billy, Billy, I'd never forgive
myself for bending out to them.

Yeah, look, Billy, I've got to go now.
I'll ring you again later. Bye -bye.

Where are the drinks?

I've been on the phone.

Phone? What phone? Where?

They've got a phone box up the end. This
isn't going to work, Arthur.

Of course it is.

It's no good nabbing one of them flying
around Trafalgar Square.

We've got to get a pigeon from Bradford,
take it back to London and release a

pair of them together.

I think we're wasting our time.

Right. We're talking homing pigeons
here.

Homing pigeons fly home. And if they've
been borrowed from Bradford...

They're bound to fly in a northerly
direction.

I suppose you know what you're doing.

Well, it's more than you do.

I want to talk to you about this Donna.

Impetuous leg -overs are one thing, but
I am not having love jobs in my

establishment. Do you understand?

I think I'm going to be moving up north,
Arthur.

Well, her dad will probably give me a
job. He's got a string of bookie shops.

It's regular wages and plenty of
prospects.

Donna's got a nice place, too.

Big enough for the both of us.

You're serious, aren't you?

Yeah, I am.

What about us, Ray?

All the time you've been with me. I
mean, we're family.

Yeah, but if I settle down with Donna,
well, she'll be family, won't she?

I think I'll go and have a wash and
brush up.

If a trolley comes along, get some tea
and some sandwiches.

All right?

Fair enough.

Hello,

Nostalgic. Look, I've got a problem.

A very serious problem.

And I think you're the man who can help
me.

Here, Arthur.

I can't make it out. There's no reply
from me flat.

Where do you think she's gone?

Well, she's probably gone shopping.

That's something else you'll have to get
used to.

Wives are always going shopping and
always coming back with Paris originals

got for 1 .99p and a sale.

Here, come on over here. There's some
birds here.

Pidgey, Pidgey, Pidgey.

Pidgey, Pidgey, Pidgey.

Quick, quick.

Is it opened up?

Yeah, come on, come on, come on.

Go on, Pidgey.

Go on, Pidgey.

Go on, Pidgey.

Go on, Pidgey.

Go on, Pidgey.

Go on, Pidgey.

Go on, Pidgey. Go on, Pidgey. Meow.

Meow. Pidgey.

They don't meow.

They'll frighten them.

What are you doing?

Perfectly all right, madam.

Officers from the RSPB.

What do you... Sorry?

They're going to be trained as carrier
pigeons for the Royal Mail.

Any luck?

Got him!

Got him!

Got him!

Quick, quick, in the basket.

Cut, shut it, shut it.

Oh, got my hat, my hat.

Oh, somebody's thumb caught.

My thumb's caught.

Shut it up quick, shut it.

Oh, look at that.

You see, Ray, all these things need is
careful planning.

Don't you worry, me old powder. You'll
soon be winging your way back to

Bradford.

Yes, Met Office.

Have the gales over London died down
yet?

There haven't been any gales.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Billy! Billy! Where are you?

Billy! I want a word with you.

I don't understand. She doesn't know
anyone in London.

Ray, a word of advice.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm not going to try
and talk you out of it.

Your mind's made up and... I will miss
you.

Thanks, Arthur.

It's good to get a take of you like
that.

I'm very grateful of me time with you.

I'll always remember you.

I'm touched, Ray.

Deeply touched.

What was that advice you wanted to give
me?

Oh, you...

always start as you mean to go on.

It's no good after a few years of
marriage when the first flush turns to

pallor. When that happens, it's no good
objecting to her behaviour because it'd

be too late then.

It's a bit of an old -fashioned way of
looking at marriage, ain't it? Ray,

is nothing old -fashioned about marital
aggravation.

Traditional, yes.

And it is also timeless.

It never goes out of fashion.

I mean...

If she's playing about, she wouldn't.

No, no, I'm sure you're right.

Which is the club?

Oh, Billy, how you keeping?

No, no, I... Just a minute.

Nostalgic!

Have you seen Arthur since he fell? No.

Can't help you, Billy.

Arthur.

Arthur Daly.

What the hell's going on down there?

I've been on to the Met Office.

Dan's been on to the Met Office. In
fact, after the Oakley Invitation Flying

Club, I've been on to the Met Office,
and we've all been told the same thing.

There are no gales over London.

Gales? What gales?

There are no gales here.

Oh, yeah, there were gales.

But they've blown themselves out.

Then release the birds immediately.

No, I can't do that, Billy.

That would contravene your regulations.

You see, I've got two pigeons, I've got
Ray, but what I haven't got is Donna.

Stand sorely.

What have you done with my daughter?

Yeah, yeah, now, there was a bird in
here answering to that inscription.

And she was looking for you, Ray. Well,
where'd she go? She must have left a

message. Didn't say nothing.

If I recall, she had a couple of drinks
with Nostalgic, and she left with him.

Nostalgic? No, no, no, Ray, we mustn't
jump to impetuous conclusions.

Yeah, but what time... Dave, I'll get
these.

There you go.

She's gone. So is her case. Now, Ray,
the important thing is to keep calm. Oh,

I'll keep calm, all right. Just as long
as it takes to find them. No, no, you

know what they say. About the course of
true love, it never runs smooth.

Well, I'll tell you this, Arthur.

It's going to get rougher.

A lot rougher.

No,

they ain't in there.

Well, it's no good trying the Shangri
-La. That's closed for renovation.

Come on.

Here, Arthur, I want to thank you. What
for? For all the help you've given me.

And the support.

Oh, don't be daft. It's the least I
could do. After all, you're family.

Yeah, I should have realised that
wouldn't be easy to see.

Nostalgic's not into anything modern.

Here, hold up. What?

Nostalgic. I bet I know where he is.

This is more like it.

Melodic tunes.

Jive and jitterbug.

Jive and what?

Never you mind.

Bring back Deanna Derby.

No, no, not yet, Ray.

I think you might need glasses, Arthur.
You're staring straight at her.

Ray, Ray.

Let reasoned discussion be your guiding
light.

All right, Arthur.

It's exhausting, though, isn't it? I
think I'd better get another bottle of

champagne. Oh, lovely.

Well, this is nice, ain't it? Very
tasty.

What sort of mutt do you take me for,
eh? As soon as we back this turn, you're

running all over town with a nutter
caught in a time war. I am not your

in real life, Jamie. You do not own me.
How dare you?

in here with your chauvinistic hands,
well, you can just take it somewhere

Don't worry.

You call this reasoned discussion, do
you? Now, calm down, the pair of you.

you are well out of order. Donna, you've
been entrusted into my care by your

father, so be quiet.

You're obviously the ringleader here.
What? You're barred.

Barred? Coming here with the imperial
clothes of the 1940s. Oh, dear. Doesn't

give you the right to throw your weight
about. Out.

Well, just leave it anyway. Come on, out
you go, pair of you. Go on.

Out.

Ray, you will go back to your flat.
You've done enough for one night. What

Donna? Well, as you... Let the ladies...
As you know, Donna's father has asked

me to look after her. I shall fulfil
that obligation.

No expense will be spared. Come on.

And your bard as well.

It's not like Ray to go around wrecking
nightclubs. Clubs, yeah.

What got into him, Arthur?

Cherchez la femme.

Well, he should stick to lager.

I fully concur.

He's at home now, sleeping it off.

Look, I've got Donna outside.

If you could give her a bed for the
night, I could pick her up in the

Oh, we're very grateful to you, Arthur.
I don't know what we'd do without you. I

think nothing of it. After all, we're
family.

Oh, Donna, I'm sorry about last night.
No, let me explain. No, Ray, really,

there's no need.

Let us figure it out, eh?

What about us?

Us is over, Ray.

Now, can we just get these birds
liberated, then I can get back up north?

Arthur, let's just get these birds
liberated so she can get back up north.

What's me dad's pigeon doing out at the
basket? It was sitting on the top.

Ah. Yeah, well, you see, this basket's
been umped all over London while I've

been looking for you two. I suspect the
string broke.

Still, no harm done, eh?

No, but there's another strange pigeon
in the basket.

Oh, oh, well, yeah, well, that's
obvious, you see. If one can get out,

get in.

Look, you forget this little hiccup, and
I'll have amnesia if your father wants

to know what you've been up to while
you've been down here.

Let's just get this race underway.

Here's one thing.

I am not climbing any more hills.

Raymond? Basket.

Basket.

Mind your head. Yeah, mind your head.

What about the third bird?

Well, I suppose he likes some exercise.
We'll liberate him and all.

All right.

Right. Are you ready?

Yep. In fact, three, two, one, go.

Go on, Boyd. Help you go.

There they go. There they go.

Oh, he's still here. Did you catch him?

Yeah, I've got him.

Well done.

Might as well give them a flyer now, eh?
Yeah, go on.

Must

be

something he ate.

Yeah, well, I don't mind telling you,
Arthur, I'm put out.

Very put out.

You asked me to do you a favour.

Look after this Donna, you said. Show
her a good time, you said. Take her out

and about.

Next... thing I know, I'm barred from my
favourite club, because Ray has had a

rut with her. Yeah, he's a very
excitable lad.

Nostalgic. I'll have a word with him.
Take my advice, forget it.

I wouldn't even broach a matter if I
were you.

All right, then.

But the next time he's got a girlfriend
that needs taking care of, leave me out.

Right.

Well, thanks for the records, Arthur.

I'll be in touch.

See you, Nostalgic.

I know what you're thinking, Dave, and
you're wrong.

Oh, yeah, yes.

My actions were governed at all times by
what was best for Ray.

And I am Queen Marie of Romania.

Oh, come on, my little beauty.

Come on.

Come on.

He did?

Well done.

Congratulations,

Billy.

Yeah. Hey, listen, Billy, be sure and
get my winnings off Honest Dan Sorrell.

What?

Nice one, Billy. I'll catch you later.
Ta -ra.

Well, I think a big one's in order,
Dave.

Yeah, I'll have to take, Dave.

You see her off, all right?

Yeah.

You're off for about my job.

I won't be going up north now.

No, I suppose you won't.

I tell you what, Ray.

Let's forget all about it. I mean,
you've got them dresses to deliver to

that car to a potential punter. Life's
too short.

Let's move forwards together.

Thanks, Arthur.

What would I do without you? I think
nothing of it, Ray.

After all, we're... Papa.

If you're going to save family, so help
me, aren't you?