All language subtitles for Minder s07e04 Fatal Impression

Love you like you want me to.

No, just leave me out. I'm not touching.
Look, Terry, that little man has got

steel pins in his knees.

And I've got a dodgy back.

Listen, I'm not risking my liberty again
for you. Terry, I give you my word, as

a Rotarian, as a free marketeer, as a
gentleman, that this is a

kosher transaction.

You must have me marked down as a right
prune.

I don't know.

You pluck someone out of the gutter.

Restore their dignity and confidence.

Put envies that learn as their way.

Treat them like your own flesh and
blood.

What happens?

What happened, Terry?

Now, remember, I'm looking for a smart
two grand result from that lot.

Stand on me, Antler.

I might just have to get Terry to do
that if I look for my wedge and don't

it. I wouldn't turn you over, would I,
Arthur?

Now, look, on everything I hold sacred,
you'll see your way to Tuesday, like we

said.

Now, uh, what about that little favor
you was going to do for me?

On the strict understanding that this
does not go straight into your bin.

Would I rob the church, Arthur?

You'll be rewarded in heaven.

No. What's all this?

We'll open it up and see, won't we?

Listen, are you absolutely positive you
can trust this fence?

Larchlap Riley is not a fence. He is an
outlet.

All right, I'll rephrase it.

Listen, are you absolutely certain you
can trust this outlet?

Terry, if you'd asked me that question a
few months back, I'd have said

definitely no. The man was an
invertebrate gambler.

I'd have bet a pound or a penny he'd
have blown anyone's result on the GGs.

So how do you know he ain't going to
blow it on the GG now?

Because he joined Gamblers Anonymous,
hasn't he?

And because Devler, his missus, made him
swear on a good book that he would

never enter a betting shop or a
racetrack again. And because everyone on

manor says he is a totally reformed
character.

Hew it and stick it across the can,
right?

I feel it in me water, matey.

The doggies is going to make me a pack
of tonight.

Yes, he was very unreliable in the past,
but when a man swears on a good book,

Terry, you can't argue with that.

What is all this stuff? God dear, that's
an half pen and ink.

Was it supposed to be aftershave or
something?

Aftershave? That is holy water.

Holy water? Holy water.

I did Larchie a favour for a donation to
his favourite charity.

It's all left over from the Pope's
visit, you know.

What, fall off the back of a Popemobile,
did it?

Not even in jest, Terry.

Not even in jest.

I didn't know you were religious. I
thought you were more into rabbit's

Don't have to mock, Terence.

I believe in the power of prayer, as
does her indoors.

How come I've never seen you rushing
down to church for a quick pray on a

Sunday, then?

Because you have never seen me on a
Sunday.

That's true as it happens, isn't it?
Just because I'm not always popping in

out of church doesn't mean I don't
worship in my own way. Yeah, the great

Wonga.

So when did you suddenly get this...

Faith in human kindness. I mean, where
did all that spring from? Judge not lest

ye be judged.

Be ye ever so sceptical... There's no
place like home. Terry, do not let the

milk of human kindness curdle in your
veins and always give your fellow man

benefit of the doubt.

That is my code.

Hello, Stilt.

What a nice surprise.

What are you... Hold on, what's that?

Is that Thiebaud's handiwork?

Sorry, Terry.

I didn't want to dump myself on you like
this, but I couldn't think of anywhere

else to go, what with Dad being ill and
if Stephen... Oh, hold on, hold on.

It's all right, it's all right.

It's all right.

Obliged me with my usual, please, Dad?
Of course, sir, of course.

Here, I don't suppose you've seen no
laugh slap on a man or a talk today,

you?

That depends.

Why? It's just that them gentlemen over
there, they're very anxious to have a

word with him.

All of them?

They're not... Oh, no, no. Not as far as
I know, anyway.

No, I think they are just regular
creditors.

What's looking for a result from him?

What?

Oh, my God.

Put the kettle on.

Come on, sit down, sit down.

Here.

There you go, old butcher's trick.

Now, this might make you jump a bit.

All right.

Here you go.

And just hold that there.

OK.

Does Steve know you're here?

No, don't worry, Terry. No, I'm not
worried.

I'm not affronting anything for you,
Sylvia, you know that.

Terry, you know, he never used to be
like this.

I think he got put inside that time.

He can't seem to settle to nothing.

He's dead mean.

I only have to look at him and... Yeah,
well, Bird never changed anyone for the

better, that's for sure.

Nevertheless, he's well out of order and
I'm going to tell him when I see him

and all.

I've been out boozing all night.

I had a go at him about housekeeping.

I mean, I was down to my last... Anyway,
I couldn't stand it no more.

I didn't mean to hit him so hard.

But he always says that.

I just picked up the kids and did a
runner when he went for a lie down.

Funny, isn't it, Terry?

You start out together all young and
fresh and full of beans.

And you wake up one day and it's all
gone wrong.

Oh, Terry, you know how good it was
between us.

I loved him so much.

I thought he was the only man in the
world for me.

Yeah, I'll remember.

That's why I left you to it. Do you
remember that as well?

Anyway.

Come on, have some of that.

And for as long as you and the kids need
it, this gap is yours. You just

remember that, all right?

I'm listening.

Oh,

the baby.

She won't feed him.

Well, the baby's eight.

I think of Nick Bell.

Hello.

Yeah.

Well, what's the matter of great
urgency? What's the matter and what's

urgency? It's something I meant to talk
to you about earlier.

I can't divulge you the nature of it on
the dog, but be a nice little earner in

it for you, Terry.

Yeah, all right, all right. I'll be
there as soon as I can, OK?

I'll see you later.

Listen, I've got to shoot out for a bit.
Is that all right? Yes. I mean, you'll

be all right by yourself, won't you?
Yeah. Good.

Are you all right? All right, Wazzle?

Uh, excuse me.

Do you know a bloke known as Larchlap
Riley?

About this high?

What do you think? He should be a
jockey.

No, no. How about you? Sorry.

How about me what?

Know a bloke known as Larchlap Riley?

No, don't ring a bell, does it?

It's not the sort of handle you forget
either, is it?

Half a lager? Yeah, half a lager,
cheers.

Old Bill.

Who can tell these days, Terry? Who can
tell? He's not local, anyway.

That one's on me, Dev.

Two large body, two large whiskey, and
my usual.

Oh, and yourself, by the way. Thanks
very much. Hello, Arthur. How's Tick's?

No idea, Tick -Tack. I'm an
entrepreneur, not a member of the Magic

Tick -Tack, have you seen our large lamp
on the manor?

On the manor? No.

Kempton Park, the day before yesterday.

Yes. You sure it was him?

100%. He's into me for a pony. He's
stuck on that mare that went lame in the

230.

Give us a minute.

Dorothy's dancer.

Why? Oh, nothing. It's just that I'm
haunted by Jesus. What's looking for

Oh, and that pony's not all he's into me
for, by the way. You told me he was a

totally reformed character. You said he
joined Gambler's Anonymous. So he did.

So what's all this about Kempton Park
and lame mares if he's so reformed?

Exactly. Terry, you have my permission
to get very wound up about that piece of

blatant disinformation. He must have
laughed.

Look, he's into me for two grand, Dave.

I've arranged a meet on Tuesday for
Terry to pick it up.

Hold on, hold on. That's the first I've
heard about it.

Listen, I've told you I don't want
anything to do with those hooky

Terry, are you trying to be a bit
discreet?

That's why I was on the dog to you. I
didn't get around to it. There's 200

in it for you. Well, you can stuff your
200 sobs. I'm not having anything to do

with it. Terry, those microwaves are not
hooky. Oh.

Like large is not a fence but an outlet,
and I was not born yesterday.

Terry.

No, no, look, you're trying to stick me
into this meet so you can keep your

grubby little paws clean.

And if the old Bill do get the wind
direction of those microwaves, it's

look like I did the dirty deed and
there'll be no proof I didn't. Terry,

me a little quick. You really did.

Oh, Shane. I was going to go to that
meet myself. I suddenly remembered I had

function to attend with her indoors on
Tuesday.

Have you? Yeah.

Oh.

I'll tell you what. What?

You go to the meet.

I'll go to the function.

Oh, Terry, don't be silly.

Hello.

Dave,

if Larchie blows my result on a neddy,
that is down to you.

Lifelong confidant you may be, but in my
book you'll be probable. Arthur, ain't

you being just a bit hasty?

I mean, just because old Larchie's back
in the gee -gees again don't mean to say

he's going to stitch you up.

Wait till the meet on Tuesday.

Give the poor little geezer the benefit
of the doubt.

Poor little geezer.

Little he might be, poor he certainly
isn't. The boy's a first -class knocker,

owes everybody in the manor. And I want
to be first in the queue to break his

wee leggies as soon as I get my 800
solved, that is.

You say 800?

Yeah.

Roger? Hello.

I'm with Sproggs.

Sound asleep? Yeah, good.

I've got us a little nightcap.

Don't seem fair us having your bed.

Listen, I've kicked on that couch more
times than you've had at dinners.

I'm never going back to Steve -O, Terry.

I made up my mind.

I had a good think while you were out.

I'm making a new start.

I'll have a look for a job.

Get a bedsit to start with.

What about the kids?

Oh, I don't know.

Or a nursery or... A child minder, I
suppose.

No, that's no good, is it?

Stuck with strangers all day and then
cooped up in some potsy little flat all

night now.

That'll go back to Steve -O.

And I'm skint, Terry.

I suppose I could give Dad a ring.

Ask him if he could see me right till I
get on my feet again.

No, don't do that. Not yet.

You don't understand, love. I come away
with nothing.

No cash or cot, not even a change of
clothes for the kids.

Now think about it.

I mean, what's your dad like to have,
eh? After years on the buses?

A retirement pot, that's all.

No, I can help you.

Honestly, no problem.

I've got more wedge than I know what to
do with at the moment.

It would have to be a loan, though,
Terry.

Yeah, all right. If you want to call it
a loan, call it a loan.

Cheers.

See you at the door, sir.

What's all this about?

What?

What's all this about?

What have you come at?

That was the worst day's work I've ever
done, Terry.

Well, buying that shirt? No, buying her
indoors that washing machine.

Oh, lobbing everything in, is she?

Everything, bar the wallpaper.

Listen, listen, you, um... I've changed
my mind about that meeting with Largie.

Am I hearing right?

Well, I mean, you can't go, can you? I
mean, you've got to go to a function

her indoors, so... Well, all you've got
to do is advance me the 200 sods...

Advance? Yeah.

I'm right. I'm not hearing right. Why,
come here, you. Listen, look at my

jacket. What's the matter with you? All
right, right?

I've got codgy tape on it.

That's right.

You have a nice codgy tape.

I mean, after all, those microwaves are
kosher, aren't they?

I mean, the old people would look really
stupid if someone were to tip them the

wing, wouldn't they?

Terry, this is extortion.

No, Arthur.

This is blackmail.

He's a crank, that one. You know that,
don't you?

Give us the bag, Steve. Hold on.

Look at that.

Regular Rolls Royce now, isn't it?

You shouldn't have, Terry.

Don't be silly.

I'm not in full of colours.

Oh, you look the business, don't you,
Steve? Come on, come on.

She's there.

Oh, that's it.

Terry!

Come on, Terry!

No, I can't play any more, mate. I've
got to go and do some business.

You'll be all right, won't you? Yeah,
sure.

All right.

Ta -ta. Bye.

You look after Mum now, all right?

See you later.

Go on, go and get that.

Good. There he is.

Behind you.

Half a logger, please.

This is me, and I'm not here.

And even if I was, I wouldn't be able to
talk to you because I haven't paid the

phone bill.

If you leave her name and phone number,
I'll write to you.

Please speak after you hear the tone.

What time is it, mate?

An hour ago.

She knows a wild colonial boy. About
who?

She'd strangle her.

Large B -A -T.

Right. See, I can't hang around because
I've got to go and see Arthur down the

lock -up.

He had to go to a function with her
indoors, you know. That's why he

and meet Larchie.

Arthur!

There you are, you little rascal.

So, function cancelled, was it?

No, she came over all unusual. That
bionicle washing powder.

Rash.

Don't flash it around in here.

Give it to me after in the motor.

Just tip me the nod, you know?

What,

the... Yeah. The nod, you mean? Yeah.

Sure, yeah.

Well?

Your outlet didn't show up.

What? And over my 200 sobs. Leave it
out.

I did my part of the bargain, didn't I?
Yeah, but you didn't get my money,

Terry. No, but I turned up. He didn't.

An intelligent ferret could have turned
up.

All right, all right.

You'll just have to motor over to
Arnslow and front him for it.

Mame him, torture him. Tell him I demand
satisfaction.

Arthur, have you gone mutton? Look, I
said I turned up. He didn't.

If you want him maimed and tortured, go
and do it yourself.

Dave, would you like to come over to
Larch's Drum in Arnslow with me? Be a

trip out for you.

Not if it means coming face to face with
his old woman, Devler.

No, Arthur.

Devler. I'm not scared of Devler. Well,
forget it, forget it.

I'll ask Tick -Tack to go with me.

Looks like you're going to have to front
Devler all on your own, doesn't it?

Bye.

Bye.

Tick -Tick, right back to the ward, eh,
Arthur?

What are you doing here?

I'm after a result here. I told you he
owed me more than a pony, didn't I? Just

lots after the same thing.

We've been comparing notes, Arthur. We
reckon between us he owes us 13 ,000

quid.

You after a wee result from him
yourself, Arthur?

No, no, no, no. It's just a social call.

You must have a slate missing.

Is he in there?

Yeah. Can you see him?

No. Is she in there?

Devlin? Yeah.

Do you see her?

I don't want to see her.

I don't know.

Oh, see, so you're just all out, you
know, to dodge out? I mean, he's got to

come out sometime, hasn't he?

Don't know, Arthur. Some of the boys
have been here since early this morning.

Still no joy.

Well, anyone thought of approaching the
front door?

Nope.

But you are, aren't you?

No. Have I an helicopter?

Going to stick the flowers down the
chimney?

The SAS has got in, boys.

And I'm calling for volunteers to come
with me.

That is pathetic.

What about all them great British
battles?

Battle of Trafalgar, Siege of Mafeking.

Little Clippy Richard winning the
Eurovision Song Contest.

What has happened to the bulldog breed
spirit of men, eh?

Oh, well,

Scotland the brave, tic -tac. Looks like
it's just you and me.

Oh, don't look at me, Arthur. I'm a
simple tic -tac man. I'm not a member of

Magic Circle.

You have two seconds to say what you
have

to say before I feed you to the
Rottweiler in a buzzy.

The top of a very salubrious afternoon
to you, Mrs Riley.

A small token of the affection and
esteem in which I hold you in.

I wonder, would it be possible to speak
to Mr. Riley?

About what?

Well, you see, he owes me some money.

No. Might I inquire why not?

Because he's a thick man, and I say not.

Now, look here, my good woman.

He's never thick.

He's just a ploy to stop me getting my
result.

This is Arthur Daly.

I shall return tomorrow with
reinforcements.

What do you want, Terry?

Look.

Look what you've done.

Oh, dear. Who's that? Her indoors?

Oh, no.

Devla. That woman is a she -devil,
Terry.

Can you lend me a pair of socks?

Oh, Phil, do you remember Arthur?
Arthur, Sylvie?

Hello. Yeah, I think I do.

Yeah, and this is Susie, isn't it? Oi,
say hello to Uncle Arthur and that

Steve. Mum!

What are you shouting about now?

Terry.

Socks.

Why didn't you confide in me?

That's what a mentor is for.

And that 200 sobs won't be the end of
it.

She'll bleed you dry. Stand on me.

Now, listen, what you've got to do is
get hold of a muster brief who's into

blood testing and genetic
fingerprinting.

What are you on about?

Call me as a witness.

I swear you've never seen a woman before
in your life. Oh, look, stop worrying,

will you?

Sylvie and the kids are just staying for
a few days, that's all.

Terry, look, it's not like taking on a
couple of puppies.

I mean, you know where you are with a
dog. At least you know it's going to

up and have four legs, a tail and bark.

But with Sprouts, you're on a very
sticky wicket.

There you go.

You got any brown ones?

What, kids?

I told you, I've known her for years.

Actually, I was thinking of trying to
knock myself once.

Her old man's beaten her up. I mean,
what am I supposed to do, chuck her out

the street?

Terry, there are charitable institutions
that cater especially for the likes of

her. Poor, inadequate wretches who can't
function in normal society.

Homes for fallen women.

So what's this bit of business you got
for us?

Oh, nothing that will exert your grey
matter, I have no fear.

I'm taking you over to Allen's, though,
to give Larchie a little smacking.

No, I'm not. Isn't him? Yes, you are.
No, I'm not. I want to go to the

Winchester. Ah, don't be silly. Listen,
you take me to the Winchester, I'll give

you the slap instead, all right?

All right, all right, all right. Well,
come on, hurry up. All right, all right,

all right.

Dear old Lord. What are you doing?

What are you drinking?

This is a one -way street.

I know.

Where are you going, then? I'm just
turning.

Turn left, that's it. Get out the
bleeding way.

Terry, I am open to negotiation.

Perhaps a man would like to reimburse me
in installments.

Will you get it through your nut? I'm
not interested in any of this, all

I've got business at me home to see to.

Oh, you say that again.

Monkey business.

Oh, you like that.

Another bloke's wife.

That woman is turning into a moral
cripple, Terry.

For your information, I haven't laid a
hand on her. And do you know why?

Because I don't want to take advantage
of her while she's upset and in a tight

spot. But you wouldn't understand that,
would you?

Typical of the youth of today.

Bourgeois pragmatism.

What do you say?

Dave, you got any pork scratchings?

No, it's not like that.

What was I supposed to do?

Dad?

Are you all right?

They were straight, didn't they?

Running out on the father of my kids.

Jacking up with you.

I suppose that's what it looks like.

Do you want me to have a word with him?

There's no point.

It's the way your generation thinks.

I made my bed when I married Steve -O
and now I'm supposed to lie in it.

No matter how uncomfortable it's got.

You don't think that, do you?

I don't know what I think.

I didn't think, did I? I just ran.

It's not fair on you, Terry. Me and the
kids being here like this.

Don't be daft. It's going to take you
some time to sort yourself out, isn't

Anyway, I like it.

Yes, I do.

It's like old times, isn't it?

Any sign of him?

No. Still and silent as the grave,
Arthur.

Look, I've been thinking. You know all
this stuff about you getting a job and a

bedsit and all that. Well, what about if
I got a place big enough for us all?

Terry, you mustn't feel responsible for
that. No, no, it's nothing to do with

that. But, well, I've been thinking I've
got to make a new start.

Yeah, another new start.

Get a proper job. And if I've got one of
these big places, I mean, well, we all

get on all right, don't we?

Oh, yeah, but...

Well, all I'm talking about is sharing,
you know, just sharing.

But have a think about it.

Yeah, of course I'll give you a
reference, tell.

Be a pleasure.

Oh, great.

That's a good idea.

It's time you moved on.

Look to your future.

Yeah, I came to that conclusion years
ago.

It's just that... Well, you know what I
mean. I know.

You've got to motivate yourself, eh?
Yeah.

It doesn't seem worth it, you know, just
for yourself, sir, man. Yeah, well,

I've always said that a good woman would
be the making of you, tell.

The thing is, though, this bird, she's
somehow the geezer's wife, right?

And her head kid?

Now, that can be very dodgy.

He's what?

Dead, Arthur.

Checked out sometime in the night.

Good to see that big bookie in the sky.

You mean to say that little fence had
the bare -faced gall to die owing me

money? Yep.

Dead liberty.

Now, in the midst of life, we are in
death, Terry.

We never know when the grim reaper's
going to strike.

We are but blades of grass waiting for a
great core cast to come along. So

gather your rosebuds while you may and
bung this lot in the boot.

Fed choked and up to it, but still ready
to do a bit of business over the

course. You're unbelievable.

Do you know that?

Terry, please.

I have far too much respect for the dear
departed to do anything like that.

No, no, I was thinking of you.

I mean, you're even, aren't you? You're
going down there anyway. It won't make

any difference to you. Be a nice little
learner.

Mingle with the mourners and flog it to
them.

Over my dead body or yours.

All right, all right, all right. Let's
just go and pay our respects.

All right.

Come on, let's get in the car.

All right.

Come on, don't keep saying all right.

All right.

Would you credit it? The vultures have
got here before us.

I never realised he was that popular.

I told you, a wake is the Irishman's
equivalent of the World Cup final.

And every one of them potential punters,
Terry.

I've got my scruples.

Well, you should see your doctor then.

Was he deaf and all?

You, er, had a butcher's at him?

Got enough?

What? Er, lingers have flown up to
Dublin for the burial.

The devil has gone with them and all.

What about a deco at the death
certificate?

What are you, a ghoul?

Terry, I am perfectly within my rights
in demanding evidence of the termination

so that I can collect what is owed to me
from the estate.

Er, excuse me, look, um, is this the
Duke of Westminster's gown?

No. This is a manky little council house
on the runway that we throw. I mean,

what a state.

Terry's right, Arthur. We can all kiss
the results goodbye.

And anyway, listen, there's something
very weird going on here.

What do you mean, weird?

Well, they're saying he could cure
warts.

It's very true.

It was him that dissolved my Barry's
kidney stone when he came and borrowed

strimmer that time. Oh, and then there
was old Mrs Singey from the offy. Well,

she suffered terrible with her piles.

until Blanche did the laying on of
hands.

It's a terrible loss for us all.

I can vouch for that, madam.

Terry? I tell you what, you go in and
get your farmer sorted out, or I'll hang

about out here.

My condolences, Dermot.

Let's have a word later.

Yeah, all right, Mr Daly.

Terry! Terry!

Get up here, quick!

What? What's happening?

Get up here!

What's wrong?

Yeah, right.

It is a miracle.

No, you're a bleeding miracle, Arthur.
No, no, no. It's Larchie on the bed.

No, he's not. Larchie's winging it. It's
a Dublin, isn't it? No, no, no. Not

him. But it's like an imprint.

What? Come and have a look.

You snapped or something. No, no, no,
look, look, look, look.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it does look like him a bit,
doesn't it? A bit?

Look at the kipper. It's a dead ringer.

Look, you can even see the wee scar on
his cheek where Charlie Harrison chipped

him last Christmas.

It's very good.

Look, look, he's got his little mitts.

Look, his dodgy little knees.

Yeah, dodgy's about the right word for
it, you know. Oh, what's the matter with

you? You've got no respect for a
miracle.

Arthur, miracles don't happen in
Hounslow. Oh, no.

Nightingale's singing Barclay Square,
don't they?

He works in mysterious ways.

Perhaps he thought it was time to put
Allenslow on the map.

Oh, yeah. What, like Lourdes, you mean?
No, Terry, no. What we've got here is

something altogether bigger than
cricket.

It is a big responsibility for you,
Dermot.

I mean, your dad dropping off the twigs
so sudden and leaving you with his

remarkable phenomenon.

It certainly is, Mr Daly.

Especially in the absence of the mammy.

To tell you the truth, I don't know what
to do about it.

I mean, people are lobbying me to
exhibit it.

They're throwing cash at me, Mr. Daly.

I mean, see what I already collected
towards the funeral expenses.

I even have a reporter from a local
paper wanting to do an article on it.

Sir, I wouldn't be at all surprised if
it didn't turn out to be the media event

of the year.

Of the decade, Dermot.

The decade.

The trouble is...

I'm just a simple lad from the Emerald
Oil, Mr. Daly.

I'm telling you, there's only two words
to describe it. Fan -bloody -tastic.

I personally would never have believed
it had I not seen it with my own ears.

The old dear here.

Varicose veins vanished completely after
just talking to wee Larchie. Right?

It's very true.

Turned into haemorrhoids, apparently.

You are a very young and inexperienced
person to be left in charge of such a

religious hot potato.

It could lead to no end of problems.

Nutcases wanting to throw bottles of ink
at it or slash it.

Dignitaries beating a path through your
door wanting to examine it or

authenticate it.

What sort of dignitary?

Mother Teresa, Bob Geldof, Saint and
Greavesley.

And Batman the Batman.

You want to get your sticky fingers into
some of that.

And before you know where you are,
you're going to want an accountant and

agent.

Dermot, the world is full of
unscrupulous people.

You could end up being Duke.

I am worried about being Duke, Mr. Daly.

No,

no, no, you don't understand.

I'm not offering you money for it.

Perish the thought.

No, I mean, that would be sort of like
sacrilege, wouldn't it?

No, no, what I'm saying is you need
someone responsible to look after it

you're seeing your dear daddy off to a
new life.

You never give up, do you?

Never give up? What are you implying?

I'm implying that you're trying to get a
nice little earner out of Larchie's

dirty linen.

Excuse me.

Dirty linen? Yeah. That is a momentous
artefact.

Haven't you ever heard of a stigma?

Yes, dodgy eyesight, isn't it?

You think it will play, sir?

Take care of him, Mr Daly. Is this it?

Not a very respectful receptacle for an
item of such... What's going on, Dermot?

I'm off to Dublin for the funeral.

Oh.

Is all the furniture going to Dublin for
the funeral and all?

You can say what you like, Arthur.

There's got to be some rational
explanation for it. Look, the rational

explanation is young Dermot thought he
could make a few bob out of his dad cork

in it. In other words, it's a con.

A con?

Hmm.

A con?

Look, we all knew Larchie wasn't a
saint, right?

So why should he check out and leave his
imprint on a sheet?

Why not? He left his dubs and other
items for the bill when he was alive.

See you.

My old son.

It's very kind of you leading us to the
mammy.

Now, what about a whereabout for the
daddy? Don't you tell him nothing,

You know the old saying, mammy, the best
laid plans have moistened man.

Take your filthy hands off me, you
gobby.

No, no, Mrs. Riley. Shall we add
resisting arrest to conspiracy, fraud,

handling of stolen goods?

I haven't done nothing. Come on. You
can't even go on your holidays without

being mad.

What's all this?

That's my living room, isn't it?

Arthur, when am I going to get a
butcher's at this sheet? All in good

I've got it in a safe place at the lock
-up.

I mean, it's a very delicate object.

I mean, I can't keep exposing it willy
-nilly to sunlight and pollution, acid

rain and all that. I mean, it might fade
or go through some sort of chemical

transmographer... What's the name?

Arthur, what I don't understand is, what
do you propose doing with it?

That is something I am cogitating on
right now.

That could take forever, so I'm off.

I'll see you later. Oh, by the way,
Teller, I sent off that reference for

Did you? Oh, thanks. That's smashing.
Cheers, Stella.

What reference?

He has got a job interview at 3 .30
tomorrow.

Sales manager.

Yeah, it's that new place, Marsden
Motors.

I wrote a reference for him.

I need him for my enterprise.

I am grooming him to be my successor.

Would you excuse me for a moment?

You were saying?

What I was trying to say, Mr Marsden, is
it's not that he's deliberately evil.

I mean, it's a reflex action. He doesn't
know he's doing it.

Sounds like the last place he should be
is around motors.

Sadly, correct.

I mean, number plates vanish, stock gets
driven away.

If you could supervise him 24 hours a
day, I'd say risk it.

Because I can see you're the sort of man
who likes to give a second chance to a

miscreant.

He's done time, though.

No, no, no, no. I did only talk to him
on the telephone, you see, but then

glowing reference.

Oh, that is another sad story.

I have known Dave for years.

Well -meaning, but, you know, never out
the bar all day.

And he's getting on.

You know, I mean, all the lights are on
in the house, but there's nobody at

home.

Thanks for the tip -off. Not at all.
With one road tearing into another, and

being somewhat new on the manor, I would
expect the same sort of thing from you.

These are all put together from kits,
aren't they?

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Listen, I want to work.

What are you doing?

Terry, I've got it all worked out.

The important thing is to find the right
venue.

It's got to be a church or a chapel or
even an art gallery.

An art gallery? Yeah, it could be the
Tate or the National. But above all, it

must be tasteful.

With due deference to Larch's memory,
it'd be a sort of grotto. Well, no, no,

more your shrine. With a little photo
and the words...

A humble jockey.

An outlet. A gambler.

A fence.

A modest little man who stumbled
painfully through life with pins through

knees. That's very poignant, Terry.
Yeah, like charging an arm and a leg to

at a dirty sheet. That's poignant. Oh,
don't be offensive, Terry. I've told

apart from a small cut for expenses, all
the money's going to charity.

What, the Arthur Daly Benevolent Fund?

Anyway, as far as I'm concerned, you can
stuff them miracles from Almslow.

Terry. No, I've had enough of your dodgy
deals. I'm not getting involved any

more, all right?

Making money out of gullible people. I
mean, this is the last straw.

I've told you, Terry, all the money is
going to go to religious charities.

Yeah, after you have your cut, yeah.

Anyway, look, this isn't a social call.
I've got an interview for a job.

What sort of job?

A regular job with regular money.

There's no such thing.

Yes, there is, and I think I'm going to
get it and all. I've got to sort myself

out. What have I got behind me? Nothing,
not a cent.

Whose fault is that?

Yeah, and if I stick with you, you've
got nothing to look forward to either.

Here we go again.

Shut up and listen, will you?

Basically, um... Well, I'm... I'm
resigning.

Oh. Yeah, and when I get this job, I
don't want you coming down to where I

and giving me a bad name, all right?

That'd be Coles to Newcastle, wouldn't
it?

I mean, obviously, I'll, um... You know,
I'll have a drink with you down the

Winchester and stuff.

Oh, good.

I'll look forward to that. As far as
work goes, you and me, that is, I mean,

it's, uh... Well, it's finished.

I can say that again.

Right, I'll see you around, then. Yeah,
all right. All right.

Daily?

No, even the one with the halo.

Hunklow Free Press.

Oh, hello, my dear.

You rang about a miracle.

Yes, come over here.

I've got something to show you.

Hello, babe.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what comes over me.

How long have you been in this line,
then, Mr McCann?

What, around motors? Oh, years, not
enough.

And what did you do before?

I started out as a boxer.

And then it was general building work,
removals, decorating, all that sort of

thing for a while.

And you've never been in any sort of
trouble with the police, have you?

Yeah, I'll bet right not, but I've done
a bit of bird as it happens. But that

was it. I mean, never again I've learnt
my lesson.

I'm sure you have.

Well, I think I know enough about you.
It's been very interesting.

I'll let you know very quickly by
letter. Oh, thanks very much. Cheers.

-bye.

I suppose Dad told you I was here.

Yeah.

I was going to come over and break my
can's neck.

But that would have been acting too
deformed, wouldn't it, eh?

And that's been me all over.

Act first and think later.

Anyway, I told myself it wasn't
necessarily the way your dad said it

I couldn't think of anywhere else to go.

And he's been very good to us.

I don't want to make no trouble for him.

Look, I don't want no trouble, Sylvie.

All I want you to do is to give me
another chance.

And come home.

I got a new football, Dad.

Oh.

Really?

Thank you very much, Mr Daly, for a
total waste of time. What? What do you

You don't honestly expect me or anyone
to be taken in by that piece of junk, do

you? I mean, it's laughable.

Looks as if it's been tie -dyed in a pot
of PG tips.

What do you mean, tie -dyed? It's such
an obvious con.

How dare you? How dare you dragging me
all the way from Hounslow?

Thanks anyway.

I've got my story.

Arch charlatan plans to fleece
believers.

Arch charlatan?

I've never been so insulted in all my
life.

Vacate my premises at once.

I've already started looking for another
job.

And this time, when I get one, there's
no getting bored and jacking it in.

This way.

What's he doing here? What do you want?
It's all right. I just want to talk to

her. Do you want to talk to him? Is that
all right?

Yeah.

We need to talk.

Come on.

Let's go and have a kick about it.

Come on, mate.

Look, I've given up the drink.

On the lives of the kids. I know I've
said it before, but this time I mean it.

And I'm a different bloke when I'm off
the drink. You said so yourself.

Sylvie, I can't handle it without you.

You're all I've got.

If you don't come home with me, well, I
might as well.

You've been stitched up, Arthur.

That's never kosher.

What do you know about this? I mean, a
thing like this is totally beyond your

comprehension. You are a theological
pygmy.

Syl, look, are you sure you're doing the
right thing?

You don't understand, Terry. I've got to
give him one more chance.

It seems to me he's had an awful lot of
one more chances, hasn't he?

He's my husband, Terry.

Father of my kids.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

Give it your best shot, eh? Here you go,
sonny.

We'll pay you back what we owe you.

Behave yourself, will you? Just look
after yourself.

You use your left foot more often.

Oh, Steve -o.

If you ever lay a finger on her again, I
personally will tear you apart.

There'll be no trouble, Till.

I promise you.

Of course it's kosher. Of course it is.

I think you lot have just convinced
yourselves it's kosher. All right,

it then. If it's not kosher, explain how
it was done. Yeah, go on, go on.

Yeah, you can.

I'll tell you how it...

It could have been ironed on, you know,
like a transfer.

What? They put it over his body and then
run an iron over it?

Anyhow, what does it matter whether it's
kosher or not? It's like the Adolf

Hitler Diaries, isn't it? As long as
something creates enough interest, it's

earner, right?

Dave, that is a highly immoral... Oh, my
God, look at this.

Look, ash all over it and all your
grubby... Oh, how can I exhibit that?

I mean, have some respect.

Are you sure it was him?

I'm positive.

On the other hand, of course, I suppose
it could have been a ghost.

Cunning little toe -ragger.

Staged his demise to escape his
creditors.

Not to mention the old Bill. He was in a
jam sandwich.

Arthur's going to have all sorts of
kittens.

Him. Him and the miracle of Allenslow,
eh?

He's on his take. Don't see a word.

I can't wait to see his kipper.

Oh, hello.

A double cyanide. A new...

And I'm relying on you to kick the chair
away from under me, Dave.

What's up, Arthur? You look as white as
a sheep.

You and all the others want hanging.

It's all your fault.

Sticky paws all over it. Spilling your
drink on it.

Fag ash all over it.

A priceless religious artefact. Lost to
posterity for eternity.

You haven't lost it, have you, Arthur? I
didn't nick it. I mean, you was a bit

Brahms last night.

No, I haven't lost it or had it nicked.
I took it home with me last night and

left it on a chair in the kitchen.

When I came down this morning, her
indoors had washed and ironed it.

I don't see what's funny about it. You
wouldn't have laughed if she'd washed

them on her leisure, would you?

Well, it would wipe the smell off her
face, wouldn't it?

Arthur, Terry has got some news for you.

Oh, yeah?

What, one of the pools, have I?

No, no, no.

I've just seen Larchie.

In a police car.

Oh, Terry.

Tell me you're at the wind -up.

It's no wind -up, Arthur. Terry was
right all along.

He was at the madam.

You've been paying for a right vampire.

Well, it looks as if we've both been
stitched up, Terry.

Me by Larchie and you by your lady
friend. Yeah.

Well, my faith in human nature is
totally destroyed.

I'm so gutted I can't top myself.

And if I didn't have faith in him up
there... That's exactly what I'd do.

got a letter from Martin's Motors.

Oh.

Well, fingers crossed, Terry.

Arthur!

Look, look!

They've offered me a job.

Oh.

Right, I did have a word with them.

Did you? Yeah.

Let's go and have a drink, eh?

If you want...

The wrong location.