Original subtitles

It feels so good for you.

Love you like you want me to.

It feels so good for you.

Love you like you want me to.

Thank you, sir. Thank you very much.

I didn't know you had that kind of dough.

I could have mugged you. Yeah, with your background, you probably would.

You're a very lucky young man. If not many employers will give you a second

chance. No, but some of them would pay me wages, wouldn't they? You owe me 80

soles. You sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

It's not as if you can't afford it, is it?

Oh, what is? It's just bits and bobs. I owe most of this.

Yeah, 80 of it to me.

Yeah, of course. Yeah.

I don't think... 4 ,000, yeah. Don't bother to check it. Just routine, sir.

No aspirations, that's your trouble.

Quiet life, that's all you want, isn't it? Fat chance of that were you blowing

down my ear hole. No, it's a G up. I just don't want to see you on the scrap

heap of life, mixing with bad company.

I can't afford it, can I? Bad companies like to see the colour of your dough.

They like to spend a pound, they do.

Excuse me, sir.

This is 120 pounds light.

Never.

I'm afraid so, Mr Harney.

Happens to all of us, eh?

Yes, Mr Harney.

Mr Who?

Nothing to do with you.

Moody name, you?

Look, for someone who hasn't even got a bank account, what's it to you?

Well, you give me my 80 subs, I can start one, can't I? Good morning, Mr

Good morning.

Hmm?

He knows who you are?

Yeah, yeah, I'm well known on the manor.

What's the point of having an alias then? They all have them.

Who? The top men.

Who? The corrupted poppers. Sales of the underworld.

City whiz kids.

You're pathetic, you are.

Am I?

Why are you having a pop at me? Mr. Harney. It's the envy, just because I've

a bob or two.

Mr. Harney.

Excuse me, Mr. Daly.

Yeah? I'm afraid this one's short as well. 140.

I don't believe it.

I'll check it again, Mr. Daly.

What did you call me?

Mr. Daly.

Mr. Harney. That's better.

I've thought that for a long time.

You don't know who you are, do you? Look, don't you worry about me. I'll get

You accompany me to the bank, remember? Not the other way round.

Does that mean you don't want me to take you back? No, no, no.

I can go and collect my card in. You're a free agent.

Yeah, free, as in not paid for.

I'd change the paying inflip, Mr Daly.

Yeah, you would, wouldn't you?

And incidentally, it's Mr Harney.

I'll remember.

Harney. Mr. Daly.

Where'd they get you from?

This is an attempted robbery.

Oh, my God, don't be silly.

Shrouded. Give me the case.

I was playing in, not taking out. It's an executive briefcase.

I'm a desperate man.

What about me? You shoot me, you're going to have me on your conscience for

rest of your life.

No, I won't. You sure?

Guaranteed. I didn't turn my gyro on. No, not to the eyes. Got the eyes. Give

to me. All right, all right.

Mr. Chisholm!

Did you see that? In broad daylight.

What? Robbery. And I was the victim.

Did you see the bloke?

No. He must have.

No mayhem on the street.

Sounds of gunfire.

Tries to stop thief.

No, I didn't. You, Jones?

Not a dick you would go. But just in second. Up on his heels with my

Waving a shooter.

Sheer fantasy.

Oh, this is great, isn't it? One time you need them, they don't even see it.

just coming out the bank. Oh, you bank in there, do you?

Make a note of that, Jones.

I like to know where the local scoundrels dash their all -gotten gains.

it, Fortnight?

Inland Revenue know about that? I do not believe this. A respected ratepayer

reports a serious incident and he gets cross -examined about his financial

arrangements. Yeah, but who is robbing whom?

OK, you're reporting an incident, very public -spirited of you. I'll put it in

the book.

Don't you want the details?

Do you know him?

Of course I don't know him. I wouldn't be talking to you if I knew him. He'd be

hanging under Blackfriars Bridge by this afternoon.

Well, what did he look like?

I don't know, do I? He was wearing one of them balaclavas and gloves.

That's a very good description.

What did he have it away with?

My executive briefcase.

I mean the contents.

Well, gas bill, letter from Reader's Digest.

And? No, that's all.

You winding me up? No, never.

Not in a million years.

We're very busy men, you know.

We're under -manned, underpaid, overworked and unappreciated.

We can have a cup of tea and a pie.

Aye, we've earned it.

We haven't finished yet. Even if you're not interested in the robbery, don't you

want to know about the violence?

There's a dangerous gunman on the loose.

I'm going to shoot her up my ooter.

Little old ladies get symptoms like yours. Always being interfered with.

Meeting armed robbers.

Masked rapists. You don't need old Bill, you need a doctor.

Our medical record is impeccable. You might save your police records.

I heard that. I pay rates for the likes of you.

You are disturbing the police.

Go home.

I remember the old -time coppers.

Guardians of the law.

Our streets are rife with crime and all you want is a cup of tea and a pie.

Robert Mark, where are you now?

Mr. Daly?

No, I'm not.

But this is his office.

Ah, well, that depends.

Are you from the Taxman?

No.

Vatman? No.

DHSS? Wrong again.

Well, you can't be all bad, can you?

You're not mills on wheels, are you?

Is he that old?

Ah, well, if you were to ask him, he'd tell you he's the same age as Paul

Newman. And he ain't got blue eyes.

Thank you.

Exactly. Who are you, exactly?

I'm Caroline Selby. You are?

Driving investigator.

Don't exactly look like Mike Hammer, do you?

They always say that.

No, I thought they were all sort of, you know, retired coppers.

Is that what they say?

But not me.

No, no.

And you?

Terry McCann.

I'm a friend of Arthur's. Well, more a colleague, really.

What's he done?

You're very suspicious.

Yeah, you get like that when you hang around Arthur for a while.

Come on, what's he done?

Oh, nothing.

Well, looking round here, he probably has done loads of things.

No, I'm interested in some information.

He's rather well known in this area, isn't he?

Yeah, he likes to think so, yeah.

The godfather of the manor.

Do you want to try those on?

There's no fitting room, apparently.

Sure, we can arrange something.

Now, he ain't the godfather of the manor, but he does know a few people.

Yeah. How's that, eh? I promised not to look.

You do like helping the customers.

It's all part of the service.

It's a little bit slummy, don't you think?

Well, I suppose it's not exactly Lily White, is it?

But you've been a big, tough private investigator. I thought it'd be all

They say that as well.

All right, Caroline.

Shall we start again, then?

Yeah. You don't really want to buy a tracksuit, do you?

No. I want to see Mr Daly.

But doesn't Mr Daly want to see you?

Maybe.

I'm trying to get hold of a Mr Goddard.

Do you know him?

Mr Goddard?

No, I don't think so, no.

Albert Goddard?

No.

Well, unless it's old Albert, the penny stamp.

No, that's not fair. He's not really a tramp. He's just sort of... Well, he's

like the original dropout.

Does Mr Daly know him?

It's possible, no. Why?

I'm working for a group of solicitors.

We're trying to get hold of a Mr Albert Goddard.

Apparently he's got great expectations.

What, one of Paul's, has he?

You see, he's usually punctual.

Harper's a busy man, you know.

Got a meet, have you? Of course I have.

I mean, we're all busy, aren't we? I mean, I've got to scoot in a minute.

They've both got the same time.

Of course they have.

Time is of the essence.

It's an habit.

Oh, incidentally, I should be having some Rolex watches in a few weeks. Are

in the market?

God, yeah.

Oh, I forgot me there.

Oh, yeah.

A lot of them are about.

Let's have a look.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

It's a ringer.

Aye. It's a good one, mind you.

You can't tell nothing with that thing. Of course you can. The face is

everything. You have to be an expert.

How much did he give you that?

200?

A bit more than that, actually.

Ha! He's a lad, isn't he, old Arthur?

It's a good time.

Perfect. Well, you're all right, then.

Seemed all right to me.

If you're happy, fine.

Oh, I was just about to give you up. I mean, I've got a... I know, Scooter.

You've got a scoot.

I have had a traumatic experience.

Large vodka and tonic, Dave, and whatever for Scooter.

Do I look different to you?

Good as gold. You've surprised me.

I have just been a victim of an armed robbery.

Never. A masked robber. Masked? Yeah, one of them balaclava things.

What did they get away with? Oh, it was awful.

I just deposited a sum of money.

My executive briefcase they got. They took nothing? In effect, yeah.

All right, that's a par for the course, then.

Eh?

They've got to get up early to take money off you, Arthur, eh?

Oh, well, that'll be 320 cash.

Cheers, Arthur.

Cheers, Scooter.

There you go, Dave.

Are you ready? Because I've got to scoot in a minute.

Right. Arthur, these are luncheon vouchers. Well, it's cash.

Legal tender.

Not here.

Restaurants, sandwich bars, pubs.

But not here.

What is the matter with you?

A luncheon voucher is... No, you have gone too far.

All right.

All right.

Put it on the slate.

Sometimes I worry about him.

So what have we got?

You'll love it, Arthur. But, er... In the back, eh?

Just wait till you see this, Arthur.

Beautiful, eh?

24 -0. Finest woodford.

It's blue.

Lovely, isn't it? I wanted grey.

Blue's beautiful. Scooter, I ordered grey.

Well, it's the same, isn't it? Of course it isn't.

Blue and grey, cousins, they may be, but they're not the same. I don't want it.

Look, you can't do that.

I've drafted on this.

Look, you take this to any tailor, and they'll tell you it's first -class

suiting. Yeah, I'm sure if I took that to Georgie the Cypriot, he'd recognise

as A1 top -notch English gear. Yeah.

Yeah, he would not. And he'd also recognise the difference between... What

you mean?

Well... I didn't know you go to Georgie.

Oh, my God.

You're not only colourblind, you're a thief off one of our own.

Well, it's dog -eat -dog in my game, you know.

Look, all the chaps are wearing blue.

I mean, Ronnie wore blue for his wedding in Broadmoor. Yeah, and Michael

Esselstyn always wears grey.

And Elton John's got a big hat.

But we are not discussing high fashion.

Look, I can't take it back now.

Any chance of having a Jimmy in there?

No, it's a private meeting. Go and use the ladies.

Charming, all that four points of guineas.

I was counting on you after.

Well, the customer is always right.

Scooter, you should know that of all people. Yeah, well, I've got a scooter.

What about a sofa?

It's in the pipeline.

Look, why don't you have a look at this in the daylight? No, Scooter, no. I

think you said you've got a scooter.

As it happens, yeah.

Well, there you go.

There you go, Charlie. That'll be a quid. God damn.

Watch it, Scooter.

You deserted me.

Now, that's the man you want. Arthur. That man.

Friend. Colleague. Never mind comrade in arms.

On the firm. On wages.

And what happened?

Oh, go on then, Arthur. Tell us.

You can't do anyway, ain't you?

That lager should stick in your craw.

I'm sorry about this. You're supposed to look after me. That is your function in

life. What have I done? Nothing. That is the whole point.

The only scarper's off. I come out of the bank on my tod and what happens?

Mugged. You got mugged? Yeah. He's wearing one of them balaclava things.

Well, it didn't have any money.

So what? It's the principal.

Bruises, cuts, anything like that? Oh, that would have made it better, would

Is this your current paramour? Well, let me tell you, young lady, don't put your

trust in this swashbuckler. Oi!

This young lady wants to meet you, all right?

Now, don't you ever have a pop at me in public again.

I was mugged. I wasn't even there.

Of course you wasn't there. You walked out on me. You should have been there.

was your duty to be there. It was your job.

What job? I haven't got a job. You're quite right you haven't. Your bottle's

gone.

Listen, you... You're sacked.

I'll resign.

And I hope you get mugged again.

How can I help you, young lady?

Sod him.

As it happens, young lady, you've come to the right person.

Although I don't usually associate with the bottom line of our society.

So, uh, old Albert's had a tickle, has he?

Who knows?

The lizard, I want to get hold of him.

That usually means a legacy or whatever.

And then you get what they call a finder's fee.

Why didn't you go to the old bill?

Oh, that means the police.

Yes, I know.

They couldn't help us. No address.

He's never applied for social security benefits or registered with a GP.

He's a non -person.

I'll find him.

Well, Terry knows of him.

Well, you can't trust Terry. I mean, you saw him just now.

He saw him just the other day.

Look, don't you worry, young lady.

Old Albert is a local character. I will find him. And as far as Terry's

concerned, we always have his little tips.

He'll come crawling back by the evening.

Why is it when you get the hump, you always go jogging? Is it the guilt?

Me? Oh, forgive you.

Do what?

Yeah, I'm a more mature man, I understand.

You left me in the lurch, let's forget it.

You forgive me?

Oh, that's the sort of person I am. Oh, by the way, listen, I owe you some

money. Yeah, 80 sobs.

Yeah, well, you get it, I haven't got it on me, of course.

I'm never going to carry money again, not after a mugging. Oh, that's the

reason, is it? I'm very upset. Can we stop for a minute?

Oh,

oh. I see why you do this. It really opens up the...

By the way, do you know where old Albert hangs out?

Maybe. Well?

Well? Oh, come on, Terence, we're old friends. Why are you behaving like this?

Hey, listen, would you like the length of the cloth? Suit length?

Best worsted? No.

Blue, your favourite colour? Who said? What, you've always fancied blue? No, I

don't like suits.

I like money, especially when it's owed to me. Yeah, and you'll get it. Look,

all that money at the bank wasn't nearly mine.

Oh, really?

Now, look, I'll tell you what you like.

Here, look.

Cop this.

What's that?

How about that? Cartier.

Only the best kettle in the world.

He invented them.

Who? Race Cartier.

What, are you inside forward?

You're probably the same family.

Ain't that the business?

Yeah. Isn't that the same watch that Dave's got?

Um, yeah, yeah, yeah, I think it is. What do you mean you think it is? You

it to him. Oh, that one, that one. Yeah, that one, yeah. I've no complaints from

Dave about it. Oh, no, really?

It's funny, they're all ringers.

What, the Cartiers? Yeah.

No, it's a figment. Who told you that?

Scooter, who was in the pub the other day. You don't want to believe Scooter.

He's well known.

I mean, these Cartiers, they're the best imitations in the world.

I mean, what's it matter? They're all the same.

Look, look, you get your dough tomorrow, but meanwhile, I've got to find out

where Albert hangs out.

Go on, then.

Albert. Albert, we're friends. Yeah?

It's me, Terry.

Terry and I for daily.

Oh, yeah.

Look.

Is that thing loaded?

Yeah.

You've got to be careful around here, you know.

See, I was mugged a few weeks ago.

So was I. That fellow in the balaclava thing.

Oh, same bloke, probably.

Albert, is there any chance of putting the artillery down, eh?

Oh, yeah, I don't want to upset you.

You've come to see me, have you?

Yeah, the thing is, you see, there's been people looking for you. No, just a

minute. This is my department.

Thank you.

You're a bit of a man of mystery.

Well, I'm delighted to hear that.

I ask nothing and I give nothing.

Is this your abode?

Yeah.

Oh, yes.

Very comfy. Must be quite a little haven away from the early burly of our

teaming society.

I like it.

Oh, and I see you're a bit of a reader.

Now then, what do you want you to...? Albert, I want you to think of me as a

friend.

Now, would I be right in thinking you don't have much involvement with

solicitors? No, no, no, don't get so worried.

A solicitor... He's trying to contact you.

Now, right away, I thought old Albert's going to need some advice.

I don't know any solicitors. That's what I thought.

I mean, it could be nothing.

But then again, it might be anything.

Insurance?

Lease on your desirable residence?

It's nothing like that, and you know it's not. Terry, please.

I mean, it's probably nothing like that. I mean, it might be a relative, distant

cousin trying to get hold of you.

More likely copyright.

Eh? My inventions.

Your what?

I do all kinds of things.

Sit down, I'll show you.

Go on then, sit down, sit down.

Go on then, sit down.

No, I don't want to sit down.

I ought to market some of these things.

My orthopedic aids.

You suffer from bad feet, do you?

Well, sometimes, yeah.

These are toe strainers of people with overlapping toes. There must be millions

of them.

Let's have a look.

Do they work?

Of course it works.

Painless, remedial. It's a breakthrough.

And it's British.

Her indoors has tons.

Oh, you let her try them.

I'll show you my feet.

No, no, no, Albert. I don't want to see your feet, thank you.

I designed these for myself.

I ought to patent them.

I should if I were you. There's some very wicked people about.

What's this for?

I dabble with the stars.

You don't believe all that rubbish, do you? Oh, yes, I do.

You're a crab, aren't you?

What? Your sign.

Cancer.

July, maybe?

How do you know that?

Well, I do know, don't I?

Yeah, but how?

Well, look at him. He's a crab.

Yeah, I see what you mean, yeah.

What's your ascendant?

Date, place, time?

Oh, I don't believe in all that mumbo -jumbo.

Oh, well.

July 12, Fulham.

4 .30pm.

It was a Wednesday.

You don't believe all that mumbo -jumbo? All right, all right.

July the 12th.

Wednesday.

Oh, yeah.

You're a bit careful with your money.

Spot on, Albert. Being a crab, you're inclined to retire in your shell

sometimes. Oh, you need affection.

I do, as it happens.

But your hunger for money gets in the way.

How abouts for that?

He's just guessing.

It's in the stars, isn't it? That is not a science.

The planet Jupiter passed over that day.

There's a funny thing in there about how he's obsessed about 80 sobs.

He's just winding me up.

This man's made a study of it. It's science, isn't it? He got your birthday,

didn't he? I don't need all this.

There's no call for that, you know.

You're getting a bit bleed and touchy, aren't you?

Even the Wizard of Oz said I need affection.

But you don't believe in it. That is not the point. He don't know me.

All right, so I'm a hard man, but if you prick me, don't I not bleed?

Don't laugh.

Oi, Arthur.

No, I don't want any sympathy.

The matter's over. I don't harbour grudges.

But when I'm talking to him, don't put your oar in.

Listen, if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be here... All right, Arthur.

pink, Albert.

Albert, you got any, um, family or any relatives?

I suppose so.

Not around here, no.

Sydney. Sydney who?

Australia. The place.

Title people they are.

Oh. Oh, shall we, um... No, no, no, no. You stay, aren't you?

You've got... You've got title relatives?

Why not?

They emigrated 70 years ago. Whole family, penniless they were.

My old mum told me about it. You've been in touch with them?

Why should I?

Christmas?

I haven't even met them.

What's it to you, anyway?

Albert, if a solicitor wants to get in touch with you, it could be good news,

eh? I don't know.

I don't trust them. I know what you mean. But you trust me, Albert, don't

Yeah, er...

I don't like officials. Oh, no, that's where I can help you, you see. I know

these people.

Shall I just suss it out, see what they're up to?

Yeah?

Oh, well, why not, then?

No, no, no, no, that's all right, no.

It's just when she... Sorry,

sorry. Could you get her to phone Arthur Daly, please?

Yeah, cheers.

Not in.

What do you mean, she's not in?

She's not in.

Maybe she's out at lunch or something. I mean, even private eyes have to eat,

you know.

Two fingers of bourbon, all that.

Oh, my God.

What's he gone and done now?

Where'd you get that?

It was the only way I could get the sofa.

You'll love this.

What? That's not Pale Arctic Blue.

Isn't it?

Not in a million years.

It's what you told me. No, it's not, Scooter. I gave you the order number.

got it. I've got it.

There you go.

That's the one you wanted.

Yeah, there you are. Pale Arctic Blue.

Her indoors.

Saw it in the window.

Well, it's the same.

Or similar.

It's, uh, it's what they call, uh, Icelandic Grey.

Well, it's grey. I'll give you that.

It's the one they're all after now, you know. I mean, as a matter of fact.

They don't do the pale Arctic blue anymore.

Don't you give me them little porky scooter.

Oh, stand on me, Arthur. They've had a lot of complaints about the,

whatchamacallit, the pale Arctic blue, and the polar bear white, and all.

You'll be well pleased with the Icelandic grey.

Look, I can't go home with an Icelandic grey sofa, no matter how popular it is.

Her indoors has very strong views on interior decorating and accoutrements.

Your Icelandic grey will bugger up the entire ensemble.

It's a special order, Arthur.

Business is business.

Arrows is a wonderful place.

Yeah. But they're not going to take it back, are they? Why not? You got it out,

didn't you? And you got the van.

Look, it's a snip.

It's half price.

It's even got the label. That is not the point. It is the principle.

I could be stuck with this.

Have it on my hands for months.

If you will take a cavalier attitude to people's colour schemes, that is what

will happen.

Remember the blue suit length?

Ah. I told you that was the up -and -coming colour, didn't I? I shifted

problem. You shifted?

No problem.

I was counting on you!

You're the hard man!

What's your birth sign?

What's that to you?

There are some signs I don't want to do business with them.

How do you know my sign?

I don't.

But whatever it is, that's the sign I don't want to do business with them.

The suit is the man.

I always recognize one of my suits.

In the street, a restaurant, a club, crown coat.

It's possible.

A natural shoulder line, Mr. Chisholm?

Yes.

You don't mind me asking, but will you be carrying?

Carrying what?

I mean under the shoulder, the hip, the waist.

A PPK water or a brownie spoils the line.

You don't mind me asking.

Some are carrying.

Like who?

Mr. Chisholm, do you want me to be a grad?

It's your public duty.

I'm a tailor.

We have a code of honor.

Like doctors.

Four buttons on the cuff. Is it legal?

Perfect, Mr. Chisholm.

Now the material.

Ah, yes.

I think you'll like this.

Ah, fine material.

A first -class worsted.

I've used the same cloth.

He's cut off the manufacturer's thumb.

Who?

Whoever, uh, a president, Mr. Chisholm?

Sort of.

A bankrupt stock?

Probably.

Genuine supplier?

Oh, we think so, yes.

The bastard nipped it. Look, it was up there.

Bleeding tea leaves everywhere.

I trust you're not suggesting... Bleeding, right I am. I recognise my own

material. Surely one bit of blue worsted is much the same as any other. No, it's

not. I know, I know.

I'll have to get the police.

Erm... I am the police.

Yeah, that's right.

This is a set -up. I did this deliberately.

Yeah? Who?

I'll get him.

Don't you worry.

You know the Winchester Club?

Vaguely.

Where's Mr Goddard?

Well, he's a very strange man. He doesn't like to meet people.

Then you don't get your check.

All in good time. I am his proxy.

His what?

Proxy is the word.

Well, I think I should see this solicitor alone.

If you wish.

First floor, number eight. Oh, thank you.

My man here will look after you for a few minutes.

Do you trust your friend?

Why, don't you?

He's a bit pushy, isn't he?

Yeah, yeah.

Bit of a con man?

Yeah.

A cheat?

Yeah.

But that's one of the good things about him, isn't it? Look, he'll be sitting in

a car.

My client requires more information.

He is not your client, Mr Daly. All we need is his address. It's very simple.

He is my client, Mr Prosser, and he is in my care.

You wouldn't want him wandering the streets on his tod, would you? He might

mugged, as I did myself only a few days ago.

Really? Do you have to walk about like that?

He's wearing one of them balaclava things.

Thus, our client is safely ensconced in one of my properties and has briefed me

to suss out your predicament.

Mr Goddard may be the beneficiary of a legacy.

Like how much?

Not your business.

There may be other candidates.

Well, how many runners?

Look, Mr Daly, this may go to the court.

There is a question of identity.

No problem there.

My client's previous is pristine.

Just bring him here.

Or in good time.

Have you abducted Mr Goddard?

That is a grave violation of the law, you know.

Mr Prosser.

I'm all for fair dues and a little result for Albert.

And one for you as well.

Ever fancied houses?

Oh, this is a proper modernised conversion.

Central heating, bath, fridge, chiming bell. You'll love it, Albert.

I'm an open air man.

Oh, it's got plants, you know, creeping things. I've picked them all out myself.

My place is detached.

Yeah, well, you'll have neighbours.

Aerostases. Since when? See, Terry would like to live here, but he can't afford

to rent.

I hate aeroplanes. Well, they don't park it outside.

Give us that, Terry. You get the rest.

Come on, Albert. Come and have a look.

Who are you?

I live here.

Well, you're supposed to be a fourth girl sharing with three happy -go -lucky

aerostases. There you went.

I have got three happy -go -lucky metal pine brickies. You can't do that.

Who says?

Our charrows are as good as theirs.

Don't want to be a landlord, eh?

Don't like it. People give their right arm to stay here. It's only for a few

days. Terry'll take care of you. He won't. He'll guard you.

No, no, no. Yes, of course you will.

Why? I mean, who's threatening him? Who knows? He's a valuable commodity.

We have got to find out who he is.

I know who I am.

Oh, yes.

Can any of us amongst us here really say that? You got a birth certificate?

There you are. Not that that means anything.

But who is the real Terry McCann? Who is the real Arthur Daly?

I see them in a mirror. No, no, that's not enough. They want proof.

They've got our fingerprints.

This is why you want to stay in here.

You see, they don't know who you are.

We could manufacture an Albert Goddard, but they could manufacture one as well.

Philosophers have pondered the riddle of identity since the days of Socrates.

What, a bubble?

Bubble? You can't describe Socrates as a bubble.

He was an ancient Greek.

All right, old bubble.

No, no, no, no. I mean, Nick, who runs a dry cleaners down the road, he is a

bubble. True.

But ancient Greeks, that's a different taramasalata. I mean, Olympians, it's

your classic profile.

I mean, they look more like us English people.

I mean, you look at their statues, even they don't look like bubbles.

I mean, can you imagine Socrates running a takeaway kebab gaffe?

No, they used to say that Athens was the cradle of civilisation, didn't they?

And so it was, so it was. Yeah.

And now it's the Parthenon Social Club in Tufnel Park.

Yeah, I don't know whether they had darts.

I ain't Greek, you know.

Of course you're not.

But suddenly, hundreds of Albert Goddards will appear. At the very sniff

wealth, they'll come crawling out of the woodwork.

They always had distinguishing features, didn't they?

Who?

The mystery inheritor.

Oh, that's right, yeah. There was always a birthmark and only one other person

knew about it.

I never had one.

And it was usually the old nanny, wasn't it?

How do you know that?

I read it.

I never had a nanny.

No, but you had a mum, didn't you?

And? I want you to sit down and write the story of your life.

Everything. Where you grew up, where you went to school, your first job, the

doctor, and how you got into this terrible mess.

Because I like it.

That's why.

Well, write that down. Facts. That is what they're like. Facts.

What's in this for you, Arthur?

Me?

Yeah, you.

What's in this for you?

Just help me land. Good Samaritan.

Simple for the analyst.

I think you mean philanthropist.

Yes.

I mean, see, I could give you a bit of advice.

And you might offer me a simple gratuity.

I might take it.

And Terry?

Terry's not involved.

Terry has always supported me. Exactly.

And now, Terry is sodding off.

He's a funny boy, isn't he?

But he'll be back.

Well, he's hardly a missing person, sir.

And where's he missing from?

You don't even have his address, so I can't feed it onto the arse computer.

Well, you've got his name.

He's not a nine -to -five punter.

You say yourself he's got no record, so where am I supposed to look?

I have good reason to believe he is being held against his will.

Some inoffensive old buffer.

What kind of monster's going to do that?

Do you know a chap called Arthur Daly?

He's a monster.

That'll be 120 cash.

And I don't mean no luncheon batches.

You're very fractious these days.

What's the atmosphere in this place? You don't know where you are. Damn.

What's up?

You've got a dodgy foot.

I've got a bunion, you know, a cross -toe.

I've had it for ages.

You've seen your chiropodist?

They can't do nothing about it. Oh, really?

That was yesterday.

Medical science is remarkable.

They've cracked that problem.

It's the overlapping toe syndrome.

And as it happens, I am about to market a revolutionary remedial device. No,

thank you, Arthur.

You haven't seen it yet.

Well, that's what's happened in 17 years of friendship.

I don't trust you no more.

What?

Cartier. The best.

It's a ringer.

Who told you that?

Scooter.

Oh, that is marvellous, isn't it? Scooter has suddenly become an expert on

kettles. A man who can't even get the right colour of arids.

That is a Cartier.

The first one.

As a come -on for the others.

I mean, if Dave buys it, it's got to be kosher gear, right?

Oh, my dear old friend. Did you really think I'd turned you over?

Yes, I did.

Thank God I told you.

Yeah. Thank God you told me.

You know something, Arthur?

I'm gonna bar that horrible scooter.

There you go.

Oh.

Good exercises.

Remembering things.

Well, have you got the fact?

Too many.

I've been trying to think when I first decided to sleep rough.

Just drifted into it. Nothing dramatic.

Lots of little crises.

Like jobs.

You could get jobs in those days, so I was just waiting for a decent job, more

or less settled.

But I had a gap of a month, see?

Now, all my family was killed in the blitz. Oh, there was an old aunt in

but I never met her.

I had enough money for food, but not enough for rent.

Beautiful night it was.

A couple of drinks. I didn't drink much.

stretched out, smiling at the stars.

And I thought to myself, this is a doddle.

Funny enough, it didn't rain for 11 nights, and by then I'd got used to it.

You could have asked for help, though, couldn't you? Six years in the army,

telling me what to do.

What do you mean?

Go to one of those hostels or whatever?

Oh, yeah.

I'm an independent man.

An awkward sod.

I'd never been on the dole, you know.

Oh, I got the job, but I never went.

I was living on the land.

I'd been everywhere in this country, you know.

That's when I started studying the styles.

I was a hippie before they even heard of it. The way you put it, it sounds good.

It ain't romantic, you know.

Don't sound bad, though.

It was all right for me, see.

But I've met other blokes who did it out of desperation.

Only needs a bit of bad luck, you know.

I met this bloke in Sheffield. He was an accountant.

An accountant!

Have you ever met an accountant?

Yeah, of course I have. Yeah?

Yeah. Oh, yeah?

Under the railway arches, bottle of British sherry, studying a P45.

He was always writing to the England Revenue demanding a rebate.

What happened?

I don't know.

He was always on the move, didn't have no address.

Oh, he never got the replies.

Mind you, I think he was a nutter.

Listen, don't you ever want to settle down?

I couldn't settle down now, could I?

What would I do with all that money, even assuming I got it?

Eh? Arthur's got some ideas.

Yeah.

He's a busy man, isn't he, Arthur?

Always busy, eh?

You stay where you are.

Why? I want you, Daly.

If it's about the road tax, it's in the post. Don't get smart with me.

I wanted to get a warrant, and the magistrate couldn't believe it. What?

You might well ask.

What are you?

A Sicilian bandit? A German urban terrorist? The mind boggles. Where do

stop? I do not know what you're talking about. Yes, you do.

Do I?

Kidnap.

Unusual in this country.

Not an Anglo -Saxon crime, you know. More like a Latin country. Or even a

Where is Albert Goddard?

Oh, he's staying at a flat of mine, Mr Chisholm.

Self -contained, central heating, luxury bathroom.

Andy for the West End. One that I was, in fact, going to let to an American

academic. So you say. I want to see the body.

Why not, Mr Chisholm? Hello, Arthur.

I've got my sofa you wanted.

Pale Arctic blue, just like you said. Oi!

Stay where you are.

Maybe later, eh? I've got to go.

Where did he

get

that van?

Sets up in Knightsbridge, doesn't it?

Terry? Oh, are we disturbing you? Not today, thank you.

Where's Albert?

Gone to meet a solicitor.

200 ,000, apparently.

200 ,000?

And he's got no idea what he's going to do with it.

It is his dough.

I was going to help him.

You're too late. He don't need your help.

You traitor.

You've blown it once too often.

Yes, well, afternoon all.

Not very happy.

Longer things come to an end, don't they?

Like that?

No, no.

Just mate, if it had been a marriage, would have left years ago.

Ah, forget it. Come on, come on.

Do you want a job?

Doing what?

Our company.

Private eye? Me?

No, thanks. No, I mean, I suppose you'd call it security.

You know, guarding places, escorts, bodyguards, bouncer at the charity ball,

minding the family jewels.

What are you trying to do, get me over to the right side or something?

They're nicer people.

Who says?

Renegade. That's for you.

Finders fee.

45 sobs.

I wouldn't put my alarm on for that.

That's the rate.

If that's respectable employment, I'll walk on a wild side.

Well, I'll, uh... See you.

And you.

You've been acting very strange. I have? I should have sussed it out.

Mugging.

What could I do?

You could have been there!

Yeah, all right.

Who are you?

Man, you.

Bloody hopeless, anyway.

There are plenty more pebbles on a fallen road.

Hey, Terry.

Hey,

Terry.

Terry. What?

Don't you want your eye for this?

just the wrong location.

I've got a good idea.

Just you keep me near. I'll be so good for you. I could be so good for you.

I'm gonna help you. Love you like you wanted to.