All language subtitles for Minder s05e06 The Long Ride Back to Scratchwood

Love you like you want.

Terry, tell me.

I've been trying to get hold of you for
days. Where is he?

Who? The great man, numero uno.

Aren't the Danes giving me a blank? No,
it's about.

Probably their lovely darling, fresh
today, straight off the boat.

So where is he? He's never at home.

They lock up and gaze all the time.

I billed him at the club in the ante.

Oh, you're looking at me. What are you,
jogging?

I'm going to see the bank manager,
aren't I? What do you want him for?

We're all going to be wrecked, tell.

Yeah.

Ticket, capisce?

What are you on about?

Oh, this is the big until. I have been
working on this for weeks. You'll be

impressed, I'm telling you. What? It's
money in the bank.

But see, it's too big for me.

See, he's got the muscle, he's got you.

Yeah, he's not a gangster, though, you
know. No, no, but he's a name, he's a

face. I'll be 25p.

You what?

25p? 15p for cash.

Don't go in there, darling, they take
liberties.

Come on.

Hey, come on, behave yourself.

Yeah, no feathers yet.

I've got more fun than salvages, you
have.

We can take over. We can brain a
monopoly.

I'm not just talking about football,
anything.

Wimbledon, Ballet at Covent Garden,
boxing, Chelsea Flower Show.

What about Phil?

Who? King of the tout.

I mean, he's not going to abdicate, is
he?

So what?

He's had a good run. The king's dead.
Boom. Long live the new king. They've

got to go sometime, haven't they?

See, I've got so many ideas and plans.
I'm going to really get my act together

while I'm away.

Well, where are you going?

I'm on bail, didn't you know?

Crown Court next week.

It's all right. My brief ain't in six
months. Hope my neck be a duddle.

See, but that's why I've got to get this
ticket thing settled.

I see. So you can go straight back in
when you come out, eh? No, this is what

I'm telling you.

It's all legal.

They advertise it in the Times.

I've got a scheme that will curl the
great offers out.

For sure.

Yeah? A cup or two, please.

And a cappuccino, please.

That's coffee.

Anyway, I don't like young people. I
certainly don't want to meet one of

He's not young people. He's a person,
isn't he? He's not representative of the

old generation.

Yeah, have you seen him?

Yeah, I've seen... Look, there's one
there.

There's another one.

Oh, look at that one. That's a girl,
that one. You know what I mean.

They think they know it all, don't they?

They're slovenly, rude, opinionated.

Yeah, well, he reckons he's got Steve
Benson in his pocket.

Old Benno?

Yeah, old Benno.

He's a fair play, wasn't he?

Yeah, he's brilliant.

Have a few drinks the night before.
He'll still pop a couple of goals in the

the next day.

And this, um, what's his name?

Justin. Oh.

He reckons he knows Benno, does he?

I guess about a bit.

Look, move, move it, superstar.

The ankle.

Yeah, you can hobble to the bar.

I'll leave you up buying them, darling.

Oi! This is supposed to be a training
session.

Who told you that? I'll be back in a
minute.

Who is he?

An agent from Real Madrid.

A media man.

He's me counsellor from AA.

You don't have to take all that, do you?

Yeah, I do.

I can't even get the first team.

Whatever, they can't even lance your
boot. Yeah, yeah.

What's the score with your man? Daily,
I've got to meet with him.

That's why I've got to know about the
deal?

I don't know.

He's well known. That's why I've got to
know.

Right.

I can get 2 ,000 tickets for the England
-Scotland game.

Cash on a nail, face value.

You sell them on the open market for
whatever you can get. You fix your own

price. Double, treble, even more, eh?
The old jocks will rob banks to get them

tickets. Right. That's why it's big.

I could be a marked man for this.

I usually do business with Phil.

I collect all the tickets from the
players in London.

But what do I get?

Peanut. You're taking me for granted.

Why should I make him richer?

If I had the money, I'd buy the tickets
myself.

But I haven't. And your potluck.

Slightly embarrassed.

You're a skint, Justin. Yeah, I'm sure
so.

Look, I'm relying on you.

I mean, I don't know the villains in
Gangster. That's your game.

Bloody right, that's my game.

Good morning, gentlemen.

May I take the coffee, please?

There he is up there. Where?

Laying a piano.

Thank you, sir.

Mrs Mills.

Come here, sir.

The great man.

Il senor Daly.

Lou Roruno.

Lou what?

I tell you what, this is one of the
greatest days of my life. Come here.

Glass of clave.

And how did I know you liked clave, eh?
I didn't know.

I just know.

Arthur, this is Justin.

Yeah, yeah, I'm pleased to meet you.

Cool, Arthur. Lay back. See that? He's
sizing me up the old fox, eh?

I'll tell you what, I still can't
believe it. Me pitting with you, Arthur.

mean, you don't mind me calling you
Arthur, do you? No, of course you don't.

no, it's perfectly all right.

Justin. Justin, yeah.

And I'll tell you what, in my book, you
are an hero.

I mean, you're up there with a star.

Bogey, Edward Gee, George Rath. Did you
know him?

Who? George Rath, when he came to
London.

Oh, yeah, yeah, we had a few words.
Yeah, I'll bet, eh?

And I've also said to Terry, I said,
Terry, you are privileged to work with

Arthur Daly. When did you say that?

Oh, I told you, dozens of times.

So you can help me, Arthur.

You've got it all, the knowledge, the
wisdom, the experience.

See, me, I'm just starting on the
ladder. A mere apprentice.

It's like Leonardo da Vinci.

Now, he had the idea.

The grand design, and he had all these
other wallies, well, like apprentices,

who'd paint in a nose or a tree or a bit
of sky. But you see, they was learning,

which is why I'm grateful to break bread
with you, Arthur.

Yeah, well, talking of bread, any chance
of seeing a menu?

Oh, sorry, sir, I do go on a bit, don't
I? Uh, Mario?

Just a bit.

See, the trouble is, you do not
understand ambition, Terence. The kind

I can give this young man you do not get
in colleges.

Signore, I want you to meet Mr. Daly. A
man of respect, if that's the

expression. Oh.

Uomo rispettato.

So. After daily, then I am delighted to
meet you.

Many people talk about you.

Oh, really?

After daily, I would rather have you in
my restaurant than Igor Norunin.

Please, enjoy yourself.

What a nice man.

He's a diamond, old marrier.

He's just as well, isn't he?

His partner was after you a year ago.
You sold him a merc.

Who? His partner. What's his name?
Angelo.

Yeah, the one who sent you a solicitor's
letter. As usual, you got it all wrong,

haven't you? That man had a little cafe
in the Arrow Road.

Anyway, I was like, no, it was stolen.

Judge said I was a mere prawn in the
game.

And the jury said you were a prune.

I still got off with a £300 fine,
though, didn't I?

This is it, Arthur, you can help me.

You know all the dodges.

You are a total, thorough, unmitigated
rogue. And that's why I admire you.

Got him in one.

I think I'll just have the spaghetti
bolognese.

Now, I understand you've got an offer
that I may have to reject.

No, no offer.

Suddenly, I don't hear from you.

Yeah, well, I've been busy.

What are you talking about?

You don't even play.

I don't even see your name in the papers
anymore.

We had a meet last week. So what's going
on? You didn't show.

I've been very generous to you, Benno.
Oh, yeah?

Who are you kidding?

Look, most people don't want to know
about you, but I'm a sentimentalist.

I can remember when you was a fine
player.

How would you know? Don't get clever
with me. We need to have a serious

discussion about the Tartan army.

Yeah, well, I'm having negotiations with
other people. What people?

There are no other people.

There's Keith Prowse and me.

If McEnroe wants briefs for Wimbledon,
he comes to me, and he's playing there.

Don't give me all that stuff about other
people.

Yeah, well, they're well connected.

Connected with who? Their top men.

What's that supposed to mean?

They've got a sauna club in Upper
Norwood. They've got muscle.

You want to know about muscle?

Well, there's Cedric.

And a hundred more.

Tell your friends that.

Old Benson's got a friend who works in
the office at Wembley Stadium.

And he's going to get 2 ,000 tickets for
the England -Scotland match.

Nicked? No, no, no.

He's got to settle the books. Because
you know now, you have to apply by post

for the ticket.

And you have to live in England.

Have to stop the Scottish flooding the
sacred turf.

Well, that's right. They were going to
go to race relations, weren't they?

Anyway, he ignores some of these
letters. And this is the beauty of it.

going to keep 2 ,000 tickets.

I mean, it's all legal. They don't mind
as long as they get their dough.

So I said to old Ben, I said, there's
only one person who can handle this.

Arthur Daly.

I said, you've got the contacts, you've
got the muscle, and you've got the

organisation.

Sod Phil.

Hmm. How much?

Well, so it's 2 ,000 tickets, £8 each,
that's 16 grand, so a drink for him, 2

grand, 18 grand.

How much?

18 grand. No, no, I heard what you said.

No, I'd like to hear it again.

Well, I mean, you treble that in a week,
even more.

You want me to lend you 18 grand? No,
no, Arthur, not lend.

I mean, it's an investment, isn't it?
We'll split the profit and obviously you

get the lion's share.

Oh, thank you very much, Tom.

What, I thought you would have grabbed
it.

It's like printing money, isn't it? The
impetuosity of youth, eh? If you want to

know about wisdom, my son, suss it out
first.

When anyone offers me a bargain, I know
there's a catch.

There is no catch, honest.

That is the catch. When I hear the word
honest, I reach for my solicitor.

Trust me.

Why?

No, you're right.

Who needs trust? I'm being very naive.

You are indeed, my son.

But I'm learning, though, aren't I?

I've got 2 ,000 tickets for the England
-Scotland match.

Have you got any contacts in Scotland?
Of course I have. No, I mean big.

Tell him.

What?

Well, tell him about Big Amish.

Oh, him?

Well... Well, he's Scottish, he's big.

He's not called Jimmy. No, he's called
Amish.

He's violent. He's a personal friend of
mine. Top man. Chairman of the board.

Know what I mean? Right. We'll phone him
right now. Mario's got a phone.

He's a goer, ain't he?

Eighteen grand?

I think he likes you.

Yeah. Some people do, you know.

Try to help, eh?

You always help people, Phil.

You don't get credit for your charity
work, either.

True. People don't know about that, do
they?

Well, that's because you're an anonymous
benefactor.

Yeah, well, I don't get the credit for
it.

I think you should get an OBE.

Orphans and widows and bloody distressed
footballers.

Who's this pal?

Young Justin. Right lemon.

Flash kick.

Got no foreman.

Never mind. Give him a call. Right.

Not a bad drop of Bert Euromania, that.

You know, Brandy's not bad either.

Bert. Hold up.

Well?

Hamish? Oh, yeah, sure.

He was in the middle of his mints and
toddies, whatever they call it. Yeah,

yeah. Well, when he's had his rhubarb
and custard, he'll hop on the intercity

and there you go. A result.

Justine, early days, eh?

Salad.

You'll like Hamish.

He's a bit of a rough diamond, but,
um... But what?

But, um, he's all right. You'll like
him.

And, Justine, not too much rabbit, eh?

Stone stuff.

You're the gap. Don't you forget it.

You booked him into a hotel?

Er, no, no.

I thought you could keep it your drum.

OK? No.

Terence, he's a collie.

He growls. You what?

He growls and he mutters.

And then he attacks.

I had three fights the last time he was
down.

That's the one, isn't it?

Blackpool 7.

Yeah, yeah, I can look. See you.

Jane? Where?

There. I look sort of growler.

I'm big enough.

Where is he?

Are you Mr. Daly? Don't creep up on me
like that. I'm very attractive.

Hamish couldn't come.

I'm the open razor.

What? Razor.

You can call me Alistair. Nice to meet
you, Al.

Nice to meet a friend of Hamish.

I'm afraid your man is unavoidably
indisposed. He's in the hospital.

Never. What's he got?

Two broken legs, broken wrist,
dislocated shoulder, multiple cuts and

Oh, dear.

Street accident?

Aye, it was in the street.

Is this your wee gang, then?

Of course, Terry.

Justine.

Hamish says you're a good man to do
business with. Who, my own road?

You what?

Talking about a top man. He's met them
all. Jewel drop, murder incorporated.

He is nationwide, coast to coast. You
ain't talking to some little gobble

stairway now.

This is Harper Daly, capisce?

Who is he?

He's with me.

OK, chaps, you're marking my card, fine.

That's right. I mean, here we were,
ready to welcome old Amish, coughing and

growling and spitting, and you turn up
in the Alan Wick again.

I mean, we just got to adjust, didn't
we? Yeah, thank you, Justine.

Well, I mean, it's his attitude, isn't
it? I mean, it's a seller's market.

I'm booked into the Haldi Inn, Swiss
Cottage.

You know the way, Mr David?

Yeah, yeah.

See? He don't growl, do he?

Not yet.

You mean we ain't on the firm?

Apparently not, no.

It's all high finance now, isn't it?

Well, he ain't going to stitch us up, is
he?

Who's us?

Me and Benson.

I mean, he is honest, isn't he? The
great man.

No.

Oh, now you tell me.

Well, work it out for yourself.

He's been around a long time, Arthur,
hasn't he?

He knows the worth of a pound.

Anyway, I don't know what you're going
on about.

I mean, you had nothing yesterday, did
you?

And tomorrow, you might have a feud,
Bob. Fair enough, innit?

Yeah, I suppose so.

Well, I wouldn't worry about Arthur.

It's the other bloke you should start
thinking about.

Well, that's a bit steep, Arthur.

£35 ,000.

That's what, about £17 .50 per ticket?

Steep, Arthur, steep.

My people wouldn't like that. Well,
you've still got handy profit.

I mean, them jocks, some of them, they'd
commit murder to get a ticket.

Aye.

Oh, well, it was a figure of speech,
obviously.

No. She got it right the first time.

Yeah, well, they do like their football,
don't they?

Just for a second, let's forget about
the tickets.

I just want you to concentrate on the
logistics of the game, yes?

Let's say that 10 ,000 or maybe 20 ,000
people, punters, are converging on

Wembley from Scotland.

Let us assume that each punter has in
his pocket... One hundred pounds. That's

liberal assessment.

This is an army on the move.

One hundred pounds times ten thousand
equals one million.

A million either.

I'm giving you that.

All you've got to do is get the money
out of their pockets.

From the moment they cross the border,
they're fair game.

They've got to be fed, sheltered, and
more importantly, refreshed.

It's a remarkable prospect, is it not?

Yeah, yeah, it is.

Tickets.

How's your glass, Arthur?

Oh, well, yeah, I could have a drop.

Tickets are a mere bagatelle.

A drop in the limitless ocean which I
have pictured for you.

I am suggesting a huge exercise.

A major operation.

See Hamish?

He was a small man.

The days of the wild men are over. The
world is ruled by accountants now.

And a few entrepreneurs like yourself.

Do I assume I'm talking to an
accountant?

You've got it in one, Arthur.

We want to get together an attractive
package.

Two nights in London, decent bed,
continental breakfast, couple of hand

clubs and a ticket for the game.

People will pawn their videos to get to
Wembley. At least let's make it worth

their while.

A weekend to remember, eh? I like it. In
fact, I'm very fond of it. Hey.

A pal of mine has got 3 ,000 autographed
photographs of Charlie Nicholas.

I mean, that would make a good souvenir,
wouldn't it?

Why not, Arthur?

You're the kind of guy we need.

You know this city.

We can guarantee the bodies.

All you have to do is bury them.

Are you suggesting partnership?

That's it.

Mind you, I still have to see other
people.

Well, like who?

Do you know a man called Phil?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Phil's all right if you want to go
to the Royal Valley.

But if you want breeze for England,
Scotland, I'm your man.

We've worked with him before.

He says he can get any amount of
tickets. Does he?

Oh, Phil's a dreamer. He don't realise
that I've taken over.

I like your confidence, Arthur.

Are you ready to go to Glasgow, put the
tickets on the table, meet my associate,

shake hands?

Um, well, there are one or two details.
In principle, I mean.

Oh, yeah, yeah, in principle.

And Glasgow?

Maybe tomorrow?

Glasgow, eh?

The natives are quite friendly.

Yeah?

Oh.

We're over here.

Hop up.

Sometimes I worry about him.

Where's he going?

Hey.

What are you doing?

Oh, thinking, thinking.

You know, oiling the old grey matter.

Considering things.

Come on, you can do that in a motor,
can't you? No, no, no, it's not the

And young Justin giving me GBA for the
year olds.

I've never seen you think before. Don't
scoff.

This is a command decision.

You don't have these problems.

Have you ever put your hand in your
pocket and come out with 18 grand?

Of course not. It's beyond your
experience, isn't it?

I've had a poor buddy in them revenue.
Yeah, what is that? Two bob.

They'd probably owe you if you play your
cards right.

No, I'm talking about real money.

Well, have you got it? Of course I have.

But that's not the point.

My money is tied up.

Well, can't you get it out of the bank?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello, Mr Bank
Manager. I've got 2 ,000 -aughty

tickets.

Hardly a kitchen extension or a new
roof, is it?

I've got a soldier ticket.

You're borrowing me own dough.

And what happens if Alator's pals don't
want to buy?

Well, supposing they do, then we get
hijacked on the way back.

Hijacked? Anything could happen.

Earthquake. Do what?

What has happened to Amish the Growler?

I don't know. No, nobody knows. Which is
why I'm schlepping round the environs

of... Where are we?

We're in Scotland.

Yeah. Thinking.

So just, just, just leave me alone.

Well, do you want us to wait, then?
Well, obviously.

I won't be thinking all day, will I?

Shouldn't think so.

Is Justin about?

Yeah, but he's in bed.

Are you, Flint?

No, not me, love. I'm a friend of
Justin's. Me and Steve Benson.

Oh, I'll give him a call.

Justin! It's for you!

Oh, he's like Rick and Morty, isn't he?
I'm late for work, love. Look, don't

worry, Mrs James. I'll give him a guy.

Oh, will you? Because I'm going to miss
my bath. Thanks very much. See you,

love.

All you poncies lay in bed all day.

Look at you.

And your poor mum has to go to work.

Who are you?

Who am I?

I get up early in the morning, son.

And then I start hitting people.

I work for old Phil.

I bet you don't work.

I'm self -employed. Oh, yeah. What, as a
thief?

You're thieving my livelihood, son.

I mean, Benson tells me you're a go
-between.

The missing link.

He don't know who he is.

You tell me. Who is he?

Numero uno.

Who's he?

He's going to slaughter you and your
governor.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to smother you with your puffy
quilt. If I told you, you'd be out of

here in two seconds.

Try me.

Arthur Daly.

Arthur Daly.

You're worried now, aren't you?

Yeah, it looks like I'm going to wet
myself.

You wouldn't say that to his face.

Why not?

Because you wouldn't.

I would, son.

To him and his punch -drunk pal.

And all his relatives. His creditors who
are many and his debtors who are few.

The whole lot.

Yeah? Yeah.

You better believe it, kid.

Now, why don't you be a good boy and
tell me all about it, hmm?

What's all this about, Theo?

Well, it's a grant.

Assets, capital, deposits.

It's keeping customers happy.

Yeah, but what does it mean?

I don't know.

Looks good, doesn't it? Brilliant.

I went to another place of yours first,
the bank.

No, not anymore.

Only run a bank for a year, Arthur.
Otherwise the fraud squad gets busy.

It's a property company now.

Time share.

You don't want an apartment in a
baronial castle in Wales, do you?

Whereabouts? We don't know yet.

Take a pew.

I hope you don't want a mortgage, do
you?

No, no. Tell me, is this a good earner?

Good. I'll tell you what.

It's going so well, I'm thinking of
turning it into an honest business.

Never. Not really.

But you see, and you know this for
yourself, there are those who take and

who are taken.

It's all greed.

Now, we offer a good rate of interest.
We're competitive.

We're leading the field.

If the other societies have to put up
their rates, that's to the good of the

public, isn't it?

Yeah, I suppose so.

But you don't pay out.

That's something different, Arthur. I'm
talking about the principle.

We give good value, you see.

Yes, I believe.

And I understand you're financing some
projects.

You do understand that this is not an
investigation. I'm trying to elicit

information.

The thing is, we've lost track of you,
Mr. McCann.

Really?

How would you describe your occupation?

Well, it's tricky, really, isn't it? I
mean, it's just odds and ends, you know.

Self -employed?

Well, I get by, you know.

Free arts, what?

Oh, I don't know.

What I'm trying to get at is your
income, you know, haphazard, it may be.

Well, that's the word, actually. I do
say I'm haphazard.

I don't know.

I'd better try another tack.

You haven't got a PAYE code number.

What's that?

Precisely. Oh, well, ignore that, then.

Unemployment benefit.

Social security supplementary benefit.

You don't contribute to national
insurance, or, as we used to call it,

your cards.

No, no.

Mortgage, HP, credit card, pension.

You've cracked it, haven't you?

I beg your pardon?

The system.

You haven't got a number.

You're not a statistic.

You're a spirit, a specter. They hardly
know about you.

Where were you when they did the census?

I was out.

I bet you were.

Best legs in the Department of Inland
Revenue.

Not a bad typist, either.

You know what you are, Mr McCann?

Invisible man.

Where is your identity?

What happens if we have a war?

You'll dodge it.

We've been after you for seven years.

During that period, you must have had
some job.

Well, let me put it like this. I mean,
take last week, for example, right?

Two nights, I was minding a boozer. They
thought there might be a bit of bother,

you know.

Well, for that, I've got 15 quid a
night, a couple of sandwiches and a

You don't need an accountant for that,
do you?

What do you say? Are you a kind of
itinerant bodyguard?

Well, yeah, sort of a job man, you know.

Daily.

Daily.

Does that mean anything?

Sorry, what was the name?

Money's the game, Arthur.

Now, my lips are sealed, but...

Four characters, who hadn't two Bob
between them, put up a scheme.

Have you got any collateral, I asked.

A safe port, they said.

Well, you couldn't get any better
collateral than that, could you?

They wanted 12 grand for the laser
welding equipment and the protective

clothing.

A first -class investment, I thought. As
it was, I got it back in three weeks.

Right, now what's your problem?

Wembley. Tickets.

England, Scotland.

And I do not need any welding equipment.

Okay. Three and a quarter percent per
day.

Five percent for three days.

That's a bit strong, Arthur.

Well, I'm not going to knock you, am I?

It's never been known.

One way or another, we always get paid.

No, no, Theo.

We are friends.

No, Arthur, we are acquaintances.

Three percent for 48 hours, and then
three and a quarter per day.

Okay.

Yes, Mr.

Daly.

Apparently, you're his gardener.

His what?

Gardener. Has him perfectly thorough.

He was unavailable that week.

He hadn't even got a bleeding garden.

Oh, really?

No, no, but mind you, he has got a very
big balcony.

Yeah, he liked daffodils and big dillies
and things like that. He liked all the

cultural things, you know.

Minding the flowers, eh?

That's it, you've got it in one, yeah.

Um...

How much do I get?

Let's have a look.

Ah, yes, the financial year, April 1982,
£1 ,500.

That's more or less £30 a week.

It's creeping up, isn't it?

Over the occasional stint at a boozer
and other odds and ends, suddenly you

you're liable to pay tariffs.

Unless you want to say that Mr Daly is
falsifying his claims and books.

Now, look, what did you call me earlier?

An itinerant bodyguard, right?

But sometimes I double up as a sort of
freelance troubleshooter gardener.

You're long enough, weren't you?

Was I?

This is a very important day today. I've
put my life on the line.

Clothesline, was it? In the garden?

Eh? Give us a large whiskey, mate.

You don't drink whiskey.

No, I tell you what, make it a treble.

No, no, we've got no time for that.
We're on a tight schedule.

Now, does your garden grow, eh?

You owe me 1 ,500 sobs.

What are you talking about?

Your trusty old retainer.

Me, the one with manure on his wellies,
the gardener. And you've been a bit too

clever this time, sunshine.

You've been thrust.

Well, come on, pay the man.

Ta. Cheers, Arthur.

You didn't grass on me, did you?

Anyway,

what do you know about grass, eh? You
haven't even got a bleeding garden, have

you?

You put me right in it.

Right in a compost.

Funny thing is, of course, you'll get
away with it, won't you?

But I won't.

I'm being assessed now, aren't I?

Forms, letters, appeals.

Tug. I was on the right result, and all
then the geezer came up with your annual

financial statement.

Now, that's got to be the greatest story
ever told, isn't it? Look, you don't

understand.

I understand 1 ,500 sobs.

You're getting a drink out of it.

Yeah, I'll tell you what, make it a
watering can, Paul.

Look, it is more important that I should
be solvent than you.

Who says? I do.

And I am the brains in this
organisation, remember?

No, I'll tell you what you should
remember.

Oh, have a look. What?

Those legs.

Should get a Nobel Prize.

Honestly, look, we're talking about
important matters and all you can rabbit

about is legs.

Is that the only topic that exercises
your mind?

I like bristles and all. No wonder
you're bottom of the heap.

Handyman, occasional gardener.

A civilian, Terence.

An ordinary, everyday Wally.

Careful.

Ah, brings back fond memories, eh,
Benno?

Yeah. I was always a great fan of yours.

I never understood why Greenwood didn't
make more use of you.

Bit of an expert, aren't we? What? Oh,
yeah. I know them all.

Morrow.

Greavesy. Ballie and Bestie.

Dobbo, Robbo.

Sniffer.

Chopper. Oh, yeah. I know them all.

Groucho and Arbo.

Who did they play for? audience?

Bit of a jester, eh, Benno?

All right.

Where do we go to meet the man with his
tickets?

In his office.

You give me the money, And I give it to
him. I'm in and out in three minutes.

What? I don't even get to meet him?

Well, he's a bit worried.

He's worried?

Oh, that is lovely, isn't it? I've got
to let you have 18 grand in a cold club.

You bastard!

Bennett, you nearly killed that geezer.
So?

What is more important, life or money?

Give us the money.

No.

You'll have to stay here.

Hold on, hold on. Arthur's a bit worried
about you.

Come on, Teddy.

We're both on the same side.

Daddy, let's go.

Is that them?

Exactly.

Come on.

Anyone follow you out?

No.

Stop worrying, will you? Stop worrying?
Gold dust.

Do you know what these are worth? No, go
on.

Well, we'll have to wait and see, won't
we?

When them little jocks see these,
they'll start drooling.

Drooling a bit yourself, ain't you? Why
not?

This is the easy bit, eh?

Now it's off to Bonnie, Scotland.

I don't want to go to Scotland.

You don't come to Scotland, you don't
get weighed in.

Why? Why?

Because you're our credibility, that's
why.

They don't take no prisoners up there,
you know.

What chances will we have with 2 ,000
tickets?

No chance.

We'd all end up wearing blue circle
overcoats and being taken for a paddle

the Clyde.

No, Benno. For the next few days, it's
down to man -to -man marking.

They're good, these, aren't they? They
use them up in Scotland when they're

shooting. What do you mean?

We don't shoot in Glasgow?

No. They use razors and bottles and
knives on that, don't they? No, no, no,

I mean, you know, in the locks and the
braids and the alps.

The lairds were their estates when
they're shooting the grouse and the

and the smoked salmon.

Nah, these are used for pulling birds,
not shooting them.

Terry, come on, come on, get a move on,
give him a shout. All right. Number 14.

I know.

Sorry about your malice, then.

So his bright idea was it to go to
Scotland, then?

Well, no, it's only for a couple of
days.

Oh, yeah.

I'm usually at work, but when he's out
of the house, I'll try and relax a

bit. It's nice and quiet.

My travel, I suppose.

Well, no, I hope not.

No, it's travel.

You worried about him?

Well, he's so restless. I mean, why
can't he just be unemployed like

else? Yeah, I'm worried.

You do know he's on remand, don't you?

Well, yeah, but he seems fairly
optimistic. I mean, he reckons he'll

six months.

Well, I would be only delighted if you
got two years.

Oh, come on, you don't mean that. Oh,
don't I?

Listen, if he's palled up with Arthur
Daly, he'll wind up with ten, that's for

sure.

Oh, you know Arthur, do you? Oh, yeah.
Years ago.

Right jack of the lad, him. Bit like my
Justin.

Mind you, I was only a kid at the time.

I worked at the cabaret club in German
Street.

Didn't have a lot of luck, though.

I was the act check girl.

Suddenly, everyone stopped wearing it.

Yeah, well, Arthur still does, of
course.

Yeah, and then I was a cigarette girl.

Suddenly, everyone stopped smoking.

That's when I decided to have my
adjusting.

Seemed a good idea at the time.

Do you want to drink?

No, thanks, no, it's a bit early for me.

Sorry, Phil.

I forgot I didn't have a bag.

Nice, isn't it? Gucci?

Yeah, it's lovely. Come on, aren't you,
Toads? Yeah, I'm in it.

Oh, that's a bit tasty, Phil.

What? The old shag wagon.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Arthur thinks it's for hunting, shooting
and fishing, doesn't he? Oh, neck you.

Go around the side.

Oi, did you go before you came out,
Justin?

It's a very long trip. Ha, ha.

Got your passport, Cherry? How's your
brain?

What are you on about?

They're all following us from now on.
Nobody speaks English north of

Did your mum ever tell you that?

Are we going to follow them all the way?

They've got to stop sometime for a pee
or whatever.

I think I'll have a word with Mr Daly
then.

It's your inaugural visit to Spaghetti
Junction, is it, Arthur? Inaugural? Very

funny, Terence. I'm telling you, we
should have stayed on the M1. Everybody

knows the M1 goes to Scotland.

Yeah, but not to Glasgow.

Glasgow. Daly's magical mystery tour,
eh?

I belong to Glasgow, dear old Glasgow
town.

There's nothing the matter with Glasgow,
Glasgow.

I'm talking about it's a pile of rubbish
in the first place.

That's why you haven't been able to sell
it. Look, get in here, get in here.

We're the services.

Yeah, all right, all right.

Can you have a look at this, Squire?

Gasket.

We haven't had a look at it yet.

Gasket. That's the thermostat.

Look, Squire, I'm trade.

How long?

A couple of hours.

The engine was as good as the people.
I'm going to Scotland.

You and the air.

I told you, Squire, I'm trade.

Yeah, well, it'll still be two hours.

I've got to get the spares into another
garage for 22 miles.

I tell you what, Squire, it'll be a nice
drink in it for you.

Oh, it's hard.

It'll be about an hour and 50 minutes.

It's hard.

What was all that Squire stuff?

Well, we're up north, aren't we? They
like all that rustic stuff, you know.

Where's the tickets?

You go on, Muncher.

Don't you let that out of your sight
again.

Eh? We're supposed to be looking after
it. Yeah, and you're supposed to be

looking after me.

I mean, up the road's Scotland.

The Badlands.

With patches round every corner.

Lurking in every Peebrock. Oh, look at
that. It's a wilderness, isn't it? Yeah.

No wonder Adrian built that wall, eh? He
didn't have any football tickets, did

he? He should have come in an armoured
car.

We're talking about 50 grand street
value. I mean, never mind your illegal

substances. Them little jocks have
killed one of them tickets.

And that Alistair with his financial
times, what's he all about?

You keep an eye on him.

Well, I will, Major.

Major?

Made you turn round, didn't it?

Now, hopefully, you might even buy me a
cup of tea.

What, really fancy? It was a Pina
Colada.

That's all I've found the glove on.

Follow him.

What for?

I want to know where he's going.

He's going to make a phone call. Yeah, I
want to know who, too.

Do you?

Talking to someone on the dog.

That's what he said he was going to do.

I wonder who it is.

Well, ask him.

Do you know him?

Yeah.

Do you?

Well, I had to tell him.

What?

I sent the tickets.

Oh, thank you. Well, he was going to
give me a pasting, so I told him. What

you tell him?

You'll have to settle with him, I told
you. The governor, the don of dons. And

he weren't all that impressed.

Well, you didn't say it in Italian, did
you?

No, I haven't got that far in the book.

Anyway, you're not worried, are you?

I mean, what about the old days, you
know? All the gang warfare at the

racecourses, eh?

That was before the war, Justine.

Was it?

Well, what about all the street corner
bookies and the Soho Spielers before the

gaming act?

And that shootout at Mr Smith's with the
What's -His -Name family and the thingy

twins? Your yearning for nostalgia is
morbid.

I'm just trying to learn, aren't I?
Yeah, well, the first thing to learn is

don't say nothing to nobody.

But the geezer was trying to strangle
me. Particularly people who are trying

strangle you.

Let's behave ourselves.

Arthur, Phil would like to see you.

I'm here.

We tried to find you last night. Went
all to use your launch, but you'd had

early night.

Imagine you on the Iroga Scotland.

It's the Winchester annual trip.

Yeah, well, Phil's in his motor looking
at the afternoon clock.

Oh, yeah? What is it?

Stranglers in the night?

Mr. Daly's in a meeting.

Shut your mouth, kid. You nearly cocked
it earlier. Yeah, I see what I mean. I

told you, didn't I, Steve? Reduce the
volume, Justine.

Yeah, I'll be there directly.

Yeah. What on the note, eh?

That's good night.

Is it?

Yeah. All right, Dad.

John. Good to see you.

Good match, was it?

What match?

Well, I assume you've been to a football
match.

Mm -hmm.

That was two years ago.

Hamburg.

Yeah. Do you think they cut my job open?
No, but I think they've got a nice gyro

check waiting for you.

What month is it? March.

And the day's flying.

Need a boat ticket.

What about Phil?

He's bigger than Phil.

Don't worry about Phil.

Guard that with your life.

Just cover me.

Oh, I will, I will.

Where are you going?

Stoke -a -leek.

You're a lucky man.

You ought to be. You don't make.

Look, I've got egg on my face. You're
going to have blood on your throat.

Well, I don't leave it out.

You must think they're mental up there.

Now, look, it's quite clear you've got
the upper part of something.

A civilised man.

An accountant.

I don't do things like this, pushing
people around toilets. Then stop.

I went to an academy. I've got letters
after my name. Yeah, but what weren't?

Forgeries. How could you do it? It's
football.

What are you on about?

I've been on the phone since we got
here.

They know.

They know.

Who? My associates.

They've got friends at Wembley, contacts
in the ticket office.

They've checked the postal applications.
There are no missing tickets. You're

flogging forgeries.

I thought you were Steve Benson.

Could you, er... Yeah, sure.

I saw you against City all about ten
years ago when I was a kid.

Two late goals and then you got booked.

Not many like you now, eh, Steve?

Yeah, cheers. Thanks.

Sorry about that.

He's got a good memory.

Do you ever think the guy needs a
management?

With my record, they want stable
characters. They don't want guys like

know, in the gossip columns, into court,
into scrapes.

I'd be a bad influence on the players.

Well, what about... And if you're about
to say, why don't I buy a pub, I've had

two. And a restaurant and a sports shop.

Selling track suits to middle -aged
joggers.

What about America?

Even America don't want to know about
me.

Got any other ideas?

Mini -cabin?

Lost me licence two years ago.

Yeah. We're talking about my career,
Justin.

What career?

Ho, Reg.

I like George Formby.

And Wilhelm.

I mean, it's better than racing. Have I
done anything against you?

Never. Good sign.

I've got 400 tickets for England
-Scotland game.

But it's not enough.

I meet you on the motorway, by chance,
and you say you've got 2 ,000.

It's a question of respect.

I'm known as the man who runs the ticket
market.

That's why I'm going to Glasgow.

Suddenly, Arthur, you're a threat.

Me? And a threat has to be curtailed.

Or destroyed.

Well, now that you explain, I do
understand your problem. It's not my

It's your problem.

Peace or war.

Simple.

Well, be quite honest, Phil. I'm not all
that crazy about the ticket business.

I don't trust them wee jocks.

You have to understand minorities.

You've obviously got the gift.

Well, Phil, look, you can have the
tickets.

2 ,008 quid tickets.

35 grand.

You're talking about silly money. I'll
give you half.

I've got to make a small margin of
profit.

We'll get booked for that, shouldn't I,
son?

I hope you haven't spent that money.

Twenty -two and a half.

I don't know, Arthur.

It might be a steward's inquiry now.

Eh?

How could you do a thing like that?

Oh, I don't know.

Professional salve, was it?

Yeah, something like that.

Well, you get desperate, don't you? No,
you don't.

What about the bloke in the office at
Wembley?

There wasn't a bloke in the office.

I stashed the tickets in the loo the
night before.

It gets worse.

Well, we nearly got away with it. We?

We, he says.

Well, you would have taken the money.

I nearly had a deal there with old Phil.

Ah, but that would have been dishonest,
wouldn't it? I didn't know they were

forgeries at that point.

Now, Phil's gone off without a stare to
Glasgow.

Anyway, you'll get your money back.

Oh, yeah.

What about the 3 % interest on the 18
grand?

and a petrol, and a gasket, and a
thermostat, and all them pies and

and all the aggravation.

That's right. In the old days, that
would have been a definite kneecap job,

wouldn't it, Arthur?

And I tell you what, mate, as soon as I
get out, I'm going to make it all up to

you. Because I mean, like, we're
partners now, aren't we?

Justine, I never, ever want to see you
again.

Or hear you again.

Ah, leave it, eh? Just as we was getting
on.

No, Justine. Finito.

I think he means Arrivederci.

Valari. Ciao, ciao, Bambino.

Auf Wiedersehen.

On your bike. Feet to all.

Perhaps we should have used them as
compost for your garden, Arthur.

If you want to, I'll change the
situation.

Right people, right time, just the wrong
location.

I've got a good idea.

Just you keep me near. I'll be so good
for you. I'll be so good for you.

It's too much