Original subtitles

Love you like you want.

Terry, you all right?

But... What?

You... I don't know why you're taking that attitude. Just because it was a mix

-up in communications.

No,

no, Terry, don't worry.

Don't worry.

You're going to be perfectly all right.

Don't worry, Terry.

Good rubdown with a nice young nurse in a starched uniform.

Plate the chicken vindaloo. You'll be as right as ninepence.

Now, Tom and Terry, I mean, it was me that called the meat wagon.

These angels of mercy.

You two coming along as well, sir?

No.

No, no, he's right. No, I'm sure you'll... I'll just follow up in my...

Well,

to be honest, love, half this stuff I couldn't even give away.

But, uh, tell you what.

I'll do you a right favour.

I'll clear the lot.

Let's say another 20 quid on top of my offer, how's that?

Well, I don't know. Well, that's the best I can do, I'm sorry.

Well, it doesn't seem like very much, but... Well, what can I do with it?

we've had a lot with your old father, dead and gone.

God rest his soul.

Um, are you sure there's nothing else?

No. No.

Just the cabinet in the bedroom and the china.

When can you clear it?

As soon as you like.

Well, there are a few personal effects of my father's I still have to sort out.

Yeah.

I understand.

I'll tell you what.

You sort out what you have to and drop the keys to the estate agent.

I'll pick them up from there.

Fine. Okay.

So whose bright idea was it to lock him in a cold storage room, eh?

Mine, as a matter of fact.

But it wasn't my fault that he got left stuck in there.

Go on, then.

Look, if the geezer who was knitting the meat had turned up and my friend's car

hadn't broken down, it wouldn't have happened, would it?

Arthur. Whatever way you look at it, it was a pretty stupid thing to do.

Terry could have died in it.

Don't remind me, Dave.

But there you go. The best laid plan of mouse and man.

I mean, Hitler and Napoleon, they made a right ricket at a Russian winter,

didn't they?

What's that got to do with it?

Well, at least I got Terry out before the real freeze set in.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm sure he'll be very grateful to you for that.

Here, incidentally, aren't you supposed to phone the hospital about picking him

up? Oh, my God, yes.

God, Charlie, you're a sight for sore eyes. Do you want a lift?

Oh, not many, mate. What are you doing around here?

Dove eyes.

You're kidding, aren't you?

No, I'm not kidding.

Another couple of hours, I would have ended up in bee jams next to the fish

fingers.

I'm throwing a laugh at you, Bill.

How did you stand for that?

It's awful, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

He was supposed to pick me up from the hospital, I know.

Don't rely on the law.

Yeah?

Well, he can rely on this. The next time I see him, I'm going to jump up and

down on his trilby.

With his head still in it.

Well, Arthur was going to pick you up, Charles. He rang the hospital from here,

but you'd already been let loose.

Where is he now, then?

I don't know.

Bit of business, he said.

Yeah, maybe he's actually gone to Bee Jams. See what sort of price he will get

for you.

I suppose he gave you the version that it's all a jolly jape and he's totally

blameless, yeah?

I did tell him I thought it was a stupid thing to do. Well, the next time you

see him, you can tell him from me that we are finished.

Got it?

Terminated, definitely.

Oh, come on, tell.

I'm pissed off with all his ending up the Wally and his stupid antics.

So what are you going to do to get a crest?

I'm not totally helpless without Arthur Olin in the head daily, you know. No,

no, I didn't mean that. What I meant was... Yeah, and for your information,

got a living lined up.

Charlie has put me on wages.

OK. Yeah.

Yeah, you know Keith, my partner, don't you? Yeah.

He's only been laid down for a three -month stretch for a salt and a copper,

hasn't he?

Yeah. Well elephants at the time, weren't he?

Stupid idiot.

Anyway, I need someone to give me a hand at the shop. I'm in gear.

Arthur won't be too pleased. You'll nick and cherry off him. Oi.

I'm not a bit of property, you know.

There's a little bit of brain up there somewhere, isn't there? I can make my

decisions. Leave off, Teller. I wasn't having a go at you.

I don't see what you mean, Rowley.

Not the sort of place you'd want to have an accidental fire in or a series of

ugly fracas, is there? There was a time I'd have thought it out myself, Arthur,

but I'm too old and you know that sort of thing these days.

Agnes!

I thought demanding money with menaces...

There's a way of getting an owner who's finished these days. Too much porridge

about. There's always a few nutters around who'll have some of it. How much

they at the demand for?

Monkey a week.

Oh, my God, that much.

That must bite into the profits a bit.

A bit.

You know, Rowley, in a situation like this, you wouldn't be totally out of

calling in the old bill. Yeah, I know, but I always sorted out my own

aggravation when I used to be at it, Arthur. And I can't change that much,

if I have gone legit.

No, I know what you mean.

I mean, there are certain codes of conduct and lifestyles that the great

unwashed out there wouldn't understand.

I mean, we are talking about proper people with proper values.

Right. And the only thing these bastards understand is violence. So if you can

get Terry to persuade him to try elsewhere, there's a grand in it for

No, no problem, Rowley, no problem. Just leave it with me.

So where are we going after, then?

Flat cleaner's job.

Got to pick up the keys from the estate agents first, though. Yeah.

I always wondered how you got hold of all this junk you knock out.

It's not too difficult.

You can bang on doors and ask.

Keep your eye on the obituary columns and local papers.

Culture a few geezers and estate agents, obviously.

See who's moving out.

Selling up, etc.

It's easy.

Charlie Pope?

Yep.

He's supposed to be a friend of mine.

He's well out of order poaching my labour force. Well out of order.

Well, that ain't the way Terry sees it at all.

Well, I'll tell you this, he has got that dead needle with you.

Your relationship is, how do you put it, finished.

Totally terminated, as far as he's concerned.

What, really?

You could say that his attitude is decidedly frosty.

Ah, he'll thaw out. That boy can't cross a road without me to guide him.

Hello, Mary.

Mr Raleigh's about?

Oh, no, he's gone to do some property.

I'm afraid he won't be back till late this afternoon.

I've come for the keys to the flat he knows me a call.

Oh, yeah, he mentioned something.

Clearance job.

Oh, I'd do better.

Keep him busy, are you?

Sort of.

What's the number of the... Six.

What's the

matter?

Silly bleeder.

I must be cracking up.

It's number nine, isn't it?

Here you go.

Yeah, oh.

I don't know what the hell I'm here to do.

The trolley.

What trolley?

The trolley to move some of the gear. It's in the back of the van.

That's all right. I'll go down and get it.

All right.

Hello?

Anybody home?

Took your time, didn't you?

Yeah, well, I was taking a leak, wasn't I?

I didn't expect this.

What?

Well, when you said it was some old boy's gaff, I thought, well, you know.

Well, not all old boys are boracic and living in poverty town.

Well,

come on, let's ship what we've got to you.

Got a busy day ahead.

As a runabout for your good lady wife, you couldn't do better, Mr Collins.

Economical is not the word.

If it ran on water, it couldn't be cheaper.

Stylish, easy to park, and above all, British.

Well, I'm not sure I wanted to go to the price you're asking.

Well, you're pleased with the Merc, aren't you?

Oh, yes, yes.

Well, as an old customer, I think I can accommodate you. Shall we say, what, 5 %

discount on my asking price?

Shall we say 10?

10? Cash.

Oh, well. No, and on the proviso that my wife likes it.

So, if you'd like to drop it round.

All right. Yeah, well, I didn't... What are you doing?

stuff in it.

Yeah.

It's knitting.

Cookery books.

Maybe he was an old queen.

Um, could be his daughter.

Yeah, but I thought you said he lived alone.

Yeah, but she's the failure now again, him being thick like, you know.

Why would she leave stuff like this then, eh?

I don't know.

Maybe she looked... Now I think of it, she did mention something about one or

two personal items still being left.

Look, I'll tell you what.

You cop hold of that standard lamp over there and take it down to the van.

I'll sort this stuff out. I'll stick it in a bag or something, all right?

I'll give her a call and let her know.

Yeah, hold on.

Mr. Daly. Collins.

A natural directional instinct and the A to Z helped.

Yes, of course.

Well, you'd better come in. Oh, thank you.

Abigail, Mr. Daly's here with the car.

OK, I'll be down in a minute.

Oh, thank you.

Of course, it's much larger than our last place.

It took us ages to find what we were looking for.

Mind you, we didn't really want to be this far from the centre of town, which

perhaps explains the second car.

Very nice, Mr. Collins, very nice.

You can't beat a touch of the suburban rurals within striking distance of the

metropolis, I always say.

Do you?

Ah, I see your eye for quality doesn't stop at houses and cars, Mr Collins.

Very tasteful.

Very tasteful indeed.

Unfortunately, I'm going to have to buy one or two more pieces to avoid looking

somewhat Spartan.

Oh, really?

Oh, I may be able to help you there.

Oh? Yes, the goods and chattels trade forms quite a part of my extensive

business empire. I mean, what I haven't got, I can get. You don't just have to

ask.

Ah, there you are.

Mr Daly, my wife Abigail.

It's a pleasure and an honour to make your acquaintance, my dear.

How perfectly charming of you to say so, Mr Daly. Definitely.

Yeah, definitely.

Pardon? May I say, as someone who's been in the motor trade for a considerable

time and is noted for his discernment, that a set of wheels should fit in with

the personality of the person who owns them.

Oh, really?

And if I may make so bold, what awaits you in your driveway will blend in with

your good self.

Like the very best in Oakfordshire.

Good God.

The wrong ones.

Afraid so.

Completely wasted journey. I was practically there when I realised you'd

me the wrong ones.

And me with a right busy schedule as well.

Oh, dear, I am sorry.

Mr Rawlings will really have a go at me when he finds out.

You see, I did the same thing with a potential client only last week.

Don't worry about it.

I won't say anything if you don't, OK?

Oh, service the good of you.

I'll get you the right ones.

Lovely.

I don't know what's been the matter with me lately.

I've been getting overexcited.

Nervous, actually.

Oh? Why's that?

I'm going on holiday tomorrow.

Abroad.

In a plane.

It's just I've never flown before, you know.

I get this sick feeling every time I think about it.

You just take a couple of Mogadons and a large drop of duty free. You'll be all

right.

Hello, John. All right? Hello, Charlie.

I've just come about the key to the flat in Ellesmere Court.

Oh, yes.

Have you got them?

Oh, yes.

Here they are. Number six.

That's them.

There you go.

Thanks a lot.

Take you long, will you?

Er, well, I'm a bit short on time today, so I thought, well, pick up the keys

now and make a start first thing in the morning. All right?

Sure, just drop them back as soon as you're done.

Right. Sorry, John.

Bye, Mary.

Right.

OK.

Morning, OK.

Just caught for another clearance job in the same block of flats.

Same block? How do you manage that?

Oh, they handle all that property.

Some gig are selling up and going abroad.

It's handy, though, isn't it?

Yeah, morning, Andy.

Right, where to? The shop?

No, dear, the main mine in Rathbone Street. We can get rid of most of this

straight away.

It's all go, isn't it?

I was pointing out to your husband just now that the economy of this vehicle is

such that it brings... Yes, sir, please.

Tears to a petrol salesman's eyes.

And does it have reclining seats?

Oh, yes, indeed, my dear. And at the touch of a button, you can be positively

prostrate. I'll come round and show you.

I'll just show you.

This is good.

I'll be able to bless it.

Bless it?

Yes. You know.

A spring strong.

Oh, my God.

If I'd seen someone stealing my possessions, I should have done

it then and then.

Or at the very least have been able to describe them to you.

I'm not a fool.

Oh, no, of course not, madam.

It's just that, well, to remove so much stuff would have taken some time.

And that would have been a bit risky.

Unless, of course, they knew you weren't likely to be around.

Meaning? Well, meaning they probably cased the job.

That is to say, spent some time observing the flats and you and your

you're likely to be there, when you're not.

Probably even followed you to work.

So, you see, you may have subconsciously noticed... Rubbish!

I'm an extremely observant person, Sergeant.

And I can assure you that if any man followed me, I would be aware of it.

Have you had any callers at the flat recently, on some pretext or other? No

that I didn't know or that I wasn't expecting.

And as I told you, I only moved into the damn place a little more than a week

ago.

This is a total waste of my time.

Yes, ma 'am.

Well, if you would just like to let the officer here have a complete list of

everything that was taken, together with an approximate valuation.

No, Terry, no.

Decided to show your face at last, have you? I beg your pardon?

You can beg all you like something, you'll get nothing.

Terry, I've simply come over to clarify a misunderstanding.

Misunderstanding? Yes. I am informed by Dave that for some incomprehensible

reason, you have got me up with me.

Well, actually, I'm somewhat bewildered.

Stop. Stop. Just stop, will you? Before you go into one, let me tell you this,

son. I'm not interested, right? You and me are finished.

Finito. No more. You got that?

I see. That's my reward, is it?

That's the gratitude I get for years of loyal friendship.

A dagger in the back. That's what I get for my unselfish sucker and support of

you along life's hazardous highways.

Treachery. That's my take -home pay.

How much is Charlie asking for these chairs?

Unbelievable. Do what?

You.

Me? Not a word.

Not a single word.

Terry, are you all right?

All right. Am I all right? You've got the front to come in here and ask me if

I'm all right. I could have died in that bleeding freezer, couldn't I? Terry.

What do I get? Do I get one word of apology? No.

Do I get one word of explanation?

No. All I get is garbage, innit? That's all I've ever got from you, innit? Now,

now, Terry.

Don't you now, now, Terry me.

All right, now, now, Mr McCann.

Listen, why don't you just piss off before I really get the needle?

You are being very unreasonable, Terry. I explained everything to Dave. He told

me that he... Yeah, what did he tell you? Just let me say this to you.

The frosty fate that you suffered.

Arthur. Listen.

I have absolutely no interest anymore in whatever you've got to say or do. All

right? All right.

Can I take it you're not interested in earning 200 sols for ten minutes of your

valuable time?

Just go away now, will you?

All right.

Hey, Charlie.

Doing all right, are you?

Yeah, yeah.

How are you doing, Arthur?

Well, I'm not wearing hand -made suits because I'm a pauper, but otherwise

business as usual, you know.

With or without, I'd help. Oh, yeah, well, I was... Don't be embarrassed

Terry. He's his own man.

If he wants to start again from the bottom, that's his prerogative.

How's the junk furniture business going, by the way? Oh, it's not all junk,

Arthur, you know.

I get on with the odd bit of cream.

Look, really?

Can't say I've noticed.

Pity, really, cos Erlin Dawes has been agging me for a couple of nice chairs to

go with a Regency stripe we've had bunged on the lounge wall.

Listen, I'm going to get a cup of tinasani, all right? Oh, yeah, don't be

long, will you? So I've got that job to do, all right? I'll be back in a minute.

Oh, well, a couple of deals to conclude before noon.

Well, I'd better be on my way. Hang on a second, Arthur.

I might have just what you're looking for.

Oh, yeah, here, Rowley. Have you tried his car lock?

No, he's not there.

What about his locker?

I've tried it.

Well, if he shows, I'll get him to give you a bell.

Tell him it's important.

Oh, yeah, it's important, Rowley.

I still can't believe that Arthur parted with seven and a half for those chairs.

Genuine antiques, Terry. He's had a right good deal. Take my word for it.

How much they stand you in for?

Oh, about a monkey, I suppose.

A beautiful pair of Regency chairs, Mr. Collins.

What?

Yeah, of course I can.

What time?

No, no, no, no, that's no problem.

Right, will do.

Bye.

Okay, Arthur. Yeah, thanks, Daddy.

Yeah, what's my child really told you if he calls again?

Tell him not to worry. I'm working on it. Oh.

Terry's given you a blank. Listen, that ingrate is not the only muscle on the

plot. I'll think of someone.

Here you are.

Here I am.

A bit clubby in here, isn't it?

On the downstairs, all right? OK.

Oh, well, well.

This could be very interesting.

What are you doing?

What's that? There's something I've got to tell you.

What are you doing?

You did what?

I was going to tell you, aren't you?

Oh, do you? And it's Charlie. So help me. Don't get upset.

Don't get upset.

Just listen to me.

I'm sure I should. Tell no one, I guarantee.

How do you know that? You can't possibly know that, can you? I mean, they could

have been looking out the windows or anything.

No, I was watching.

All the time I was watching.

Well, I would be, wouldn't I?

Yeah, but it don't matter, does it? I mean, how hard is it for them to check

with the estate agent and find out about the cock -up with the keys, eh? I told

you, the bird's gone on holiday. She won't even be about for a fortnight. All

we've got to do is front it out.

What we're doing now is totally legit.

Let them think what they like.

What can they prove?

And what happens if they check the shop?

There's nothing there, is there, Arthur? At the last of it.

Oh, good day, madam. I am Detective Sergeant Rycock.

Oh,

my God.

What? What?

It's only Rycock, isn't it?

Who?

Detective Bleedman Sergeant Rycock.

What do you mean? You know him?

Oh, yeah, I know him.

And he knows me and all.

Well, that could be Andy. Can't he be straightened?

Oh, yeah, he can be straightened, but not by you and me, son.

There is nothing he'd like better than to nick me. And Arthur, for that matter.

Look, Till, don't panic. Don't panic. I ought to break your bleak neck.

Stay calm.

Look, I'll tell you what. Why don't we just nick out the bat now while he's

busy, OK?

Oh, leave off. What about me being Andy? The dot on the card, they've taken the

number of it.

Keep calm.

Let me do the talking, all right?

pictures off the wall. Look!

Yeah?

Police.

Anything I can do for you, officer?

I understand you're removing furniture from this flat.

I wonder if you'd mind if I... Hello, Mr Riker.

I thought I recognised those dulcet tones.

Leave it to me, eh? I'll do the talking, it'll be alright, eh?

I mean, craftsmanship like this deserves the proper setting. Don't you agree? I

mean, the right ambience. Which is why I naturally thought of you and your

beautiful new home.

I mean, these are not chairs just for flopping your weary in. I mean, these

works of art.

I mean, they're handmade.

How much?

Well, I know what I could get for them if I stuck them in an auction at

Sotheby's. But as quick turnover and small profit is my motto, and as a

favour to you, shall we say 1 ,800 a pair?

Shall we say thank you for your offer and good day?

You're our man to do business with, Mr Collins.

All right, 7 ,800 cash and I forget the VAT.

I don't intend to haggle, Mr Daly.

1 ,500, take or leave it.

I'll take it. Thought you might.

Well, bring them in and I'll write you a cheque.

Offer? Well, anything you're mixed up in automatically involves offer, doesn't

it? I'm not mixed up in anything.

For your information, I don't drive with Arthur anymore.

That'll be the day.

It is the day. A week permanently.

Had a little falling out, have we, Terry?

Yeah, you could say that, yeah.

I told you, I work with Charlie Pope now.

Since when?

A few days.

So you were with him yesterday, then?

Yeah. All day?

Yeah. Well, no, no, not all day, no.

When, then?

Whenever he was in the shop.

When was that?

When was what?

When was he in the shop?

When he wasn't out of it.

What time was he there?

Well, I don't know. He comes back with some forwards, doesn't he?

How often?

Look, it's a shop, not a ship. I don't log him, do I?

And you were there all day?

Yes. Can you prove it?

Can you prove I wasn't?

I intend to, McCann.

I intend to.

The name of the estate agent?

John Rawlings.

Address? 8 Caratbroke Road, Shepherd's Bush.

I take it you have no objection if we search your premises?

No, not at all.

Provided I'm present.

Well, I wouldn't want any fitted furniture now, would I?

I don't like them.

Don't like them?

No. How can you not like them, Mrs Collins? I just don't.

Well, I do.

Well, you might have consulted me first. You weren't here.

Well, would it have made any difference if I were?

Abigail, whether you like them or not, they're damn fine chairs.

And a very good investment, Mrs. Collins, in these days of rampant

Oh, is that so, Mr. Daly?

Don't you mean rampant profiteering?

Nonsense, darling.

They're a bargain. A steal, Mr. Collins.

A steal.

Of course I know Arthur Daly.

But I've never done any business with him.

No, no, it's not what McCann says.

Oh, really?

I tell you what, you show me a statement where Terry says I've done business

with Arthur.

Don't get lemon with me, Pope.

Then don't take me for a mug, Sergeant.

My pleasure, Mr Collins, my pleasure. And if I should come across any more

articles of the antique persuasion, you'd be interested, would you?

Possibly, Mr Daly, possibly.

Good, good. I'll have a word with my mayor and see what he can do.

I do hope you're not implying that I, or anyone with an agency, had anything to

do with this unfortunate robbery, Sergeant. Oh, well, not knowingly. Not

shape or form.

You said yourself, sir, that you have keys to a number of the flats in the

building. Yes.

That's because we've always handled the entire property for the owners. And as

half the flats are only on short -term leases.

Well, couldn't there have been a mix -up, then?

Mix -up?

Well, I mean, perhaps you gave Mr Pope the keys to nine instead of six.

By mistake, Lord.

I do not make that kind of mistake.

And correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you say Mr Pope was clearing flat six

when you...

He apprehended him.

Oh, yeah?

And how in heaven's name did he gain entry if I didn't give him the right

I don't know how I suffer you, Mellish.

For a credit.

Sorry, Garland.

I don't believe some of this stuff.

Do people actually buy it?

Yeah.

As a matter of fact, we get a lot of ex -coppers in.

Wanted to furnish their retirement homes.

Keep it up, Pope.

Keep it up.

You can't hang about here, mate. Go on, back in the car and go, now. Get out of

here.

Rycock's in there turning the place over looking for Ben Gale. So, what's that

got to do with me?

The chairs that you bought off Charlie are okay. Do it.

You know nothing and he knows we've had a ruck.

Well, well.

Well, well, Mr. Rycott.

Fancy meeting you here.

You, uh, keep him well?

Oh, very well, Arthur. Oh, well.

That's, uh... Oh.

What might you be doing here?

Wasted journey.

Came round to have a word with him.

Yeah, well, you've had your word on your bike. Yeah, all right, all right. We're

finished. Yeah, all right, all right.

Bloody ingrate.

Try and help people, keep them on the straight and narrow. What do you get?

Knife between the blades.

And there's another one. Just as I'm out of town for a little while on business,

sneaks behind me back and nicks me labour force.

I'm not your bleeding labour force. I'm not interested in your petty squabbles.

And what is more, my unerring instinct, my infallible instinct, tells me it's

all a load of cobblers.

You've both taken flagrant and outrageous liberties putting me on offer

Rycock like this. Arthur's talking about taking bleeding liberties, eh? I do not

jeopardise my friend's freedom by deceiving them into buying orky

Oh, no, I suppose you're on their side.

The way I see it, Arthur, we've got no choice but to all be on the same side.

Yeah, and it seems to me that I'm the only one who gets zilch out of this and

I'm the only one who's going to get their collar felled. And it seems to me

three are in abuse at each other ain't going to solve nothing.

The thing is, what are you going to do to sort it?

Why should I do anything? I didn't plunder no flat. They did.

What's all this they? He did.

Ignorance is no excuse. We're the laws concerned, Terry. As your solicitor,

we'll be quick to point out to you when... When?

When what, eh?

When you're beside me in the dock for receiving and selling stolen furniture?

I don't think that is likely to happen.

Not unless you're planning to add grass into your list of credits.

I'm a grass now, am I? Well, you would be, wouldn't you? I would be what?

I'll kill it. I'll kill it.

Oh, that was out of order. All right, all right. I'm sorry. I'll take it back.

All right, we may be having our little differences at the moment. I know you

wouldn't put me up to plod. Thank you very much. But you are getting far too

emotional these days, Terry, far too emotional. Emotional, me? Oh, come on,

two. Calm down.

Dave's right.

Blaming each other ain't going to cure any headaches we might get.

Yeah, all right.

Anyway, I can't see what all the hassle's about.

The way I see it, this Rycott's going to have to get more than lucky to prove

anything gets done.

I don't know about that.

He can be a tenacious basket once he thinks he's on to something. Oh, that's

true.

Do you mind if I make a suggestion?

Please, you're the only one with any sense round here.

Well, it seems to me it shouldn't be too difficult to reclaim that gear and

return it to the bird's flat.

On the QT, of course. Oh, he might be right. What would be the point?

Well, the point is that you can't be nicked for theft if the goods are in the

possession of the rightful owner.

What about if it comes on top while we're returning it?

Well, the worst they can do you for is depriving the rightful owner of her

for a short period of time. Now, that's a misdemeanor. A fine at the worst.

What do you say, then?

And that is theft.

And that means bird for any one of you three.

I think he's right.

He's not right.

Well, I say he is.

What do you say, Charlie?

I don't know, Tom.

But, well, as soon as it's down to me for putting you in it, sort of, I'll

it a whirl.

Now, listen, this mate of yours you knocked the gear out to, will he give it

back? Oh, yeah.

He knows it's OK, so he normally sticks it away for a bit before he gets rid of

it. Yeah, well, my man won't be quite so accommodating. He's embarrassingly

straight. Well, there's even more reason to aim the chairs once he knows they're

crooked, isn't it? Look, when I say straight, Terry, I mean as in over

-scrupulous. No, no, no. You'd be straight on a trumpet to Claude.

Well, you'll have to think of something else then, won't you?

Won't you?

The fact... Yes, I found it out from a man who sold them to a man who sold them

to a man who sold them to me.

Nothing is wrong.

Those chairs are in perfect position.

Well, it's something to do with the worm in the wicker work.

Mr. Daly, I'm not interested in selling those chairs back to you. And even

otherwise, I certainly wouldn't pay the price I paid. They're worth at least 500

pounds more than that.

500 pounds?

I don't want to seem rude, Mr. Daly, but I am in rather a hurry. Goodbye.

Two grand?

At least.

I let you have them for practically nothing then, didn't I? Yeah, because

knew they were nicked and I didn't.

And how much did you knock him out to him for, then, eh? Oh, that is

Terence. I don't think so.

How much?

You don't want me to get moody, do you?

Well, as a matter of fact, 1 ,500.

15? But that doesn't alter the fact that the man refuses point -blank to sell

him back to me.

Well, we've got to think of something else. Well, come on, what?

God knows.

Yeah, and what about his missus?

Well, what about her?

Well, you, uh, mentioned the fact that she didn't like the chairs. Yeah.

So how about if Terry tries to get into her?

Do what? Get into... You are talking about a woman whose husband I do

with. What's that got to do with it, with Terry's natural talent for chatting

the ladies? He could go over there and... What are you talking about?

What am I, some kind of bleeding gigolo or something?

There's this bird who I've never even seen. I'm supposed to give her a good

seeing to, then say, for the use of my body, I claim two grand's worth of

antique chairs.

Well? What are you, radio rental?

Yes, very distasteful. Very distasteful indeed, Terry.

In spite of the fact that she is a very attractive lady, who I'm sure would not

be averse to a bit of rough trade.

I'll tell you what. Why don't you give her one, then, eh? I said rough.

I don't think I could.

Oh, come on.

Don't do all this again.

Listen, I think I've got an idea how we're going to get those chairs back

without any of us putting our faces on offer.

Come on.

Bill and Ben.

The corner men.

The what?

A couple of pals of mine.

Dynamite con artists.

They'll want a nice drink, mind.

How much?

Two hundred.

Each.

That's a bit strong, isn't it? It comes out of the earner we had on the chairs

anyway. That's right, and for staying out of trouble, it's cheaper off the

price, isn't it?

Enough. It's what we went up from.

It's a common one. Have you paid a man?

I ain't owed him.

You'll have to apply, Charlie.

I'll weigh in with the other half when Bill and Ben deliver.

In fact, there's no doubt about it, madam.

These are the chairs, all right.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

They can't be stolen.

My husband would never buy... I mean, he bought these chairs in good faith from

Mr Daly. I was here at the time.

Mr Daly, madam?

Yes, he's a business acquaintance of my husband.

But surely if you knew the chairs were here... We're acting on information

received anonymously, madam.

But we'd certainly like to interview this Mr Daly.

Do you know where we can get in touch with him?

Oh, I've got his business card somewhere in my bag, I think.

Yes, there.

How well do you know this Mr Daly?

Oh, hardly at all.

My husband's bought a couple of cards from him, but I can hardly believe that

would knowingly sell my husband's stolen property.

I mean... You may be right, madam.

It could have been duped, but we're still going to have to check it out.

In the meantime, I'm afraid we're going to have to take these chairs with us.

Take the chairs with you? Don't worry, madam.

We'll give you a receipt.

Thanks, chaps.

Well, I appreciate it.

Didn't half -go on about us, did we?

So we get a bit of egg.

They'll have a job to prove anything now, won't they?

You all right, then?

Yeah, no problem.

Cheers, chaps.

Pleasure. Love it.

Don't worry.

Anytime.

Arthur?

Arthur.

What, now?

Now. But why?

Because, Arthur, it's the same time of day as when we took the gear, so there's

a good chance no -one will be there now.

Look, can't you two do it? I can't do any umping. I've got the facts. Look,

just keep watch while we do the umping. Oh, my God, I just remembered. I've got

an appointment with my co -author. Shut up.

Look, I've got these dodgy plates. If we have to have it on our toes, I'll be a

terrible handicap to you.

Abigail, how could you be so bloody naive?

But they were so convincing.

They even showed me their identification cards.

You heard who I was talking to just then.

That was the local chief inspector.

And he knows nothing about any investigation into stolen antique

less about your two bogus policemen.

I'm sorry, I... Well, it's a bit late for that.

I suppose you didn't get your coat. We've got to get out of the police

What for?

They want us to make a statement and to give them any details that might be of

help.

Oh, we've got to get in, haven't we? But the damage, the noise.

Can't you load it or something? Oh, stupid, you can't load a mortise, can

Of course I can't. Oh,

there you are, Captain.

Yes, Mellish, here I am.

What is it?

An Inspector Williams of Wimbledon CID has been on the phone making inquiries

about Arthur Daly.

And I told him I'd get you to phone him back.

Well, did he say what it's in connection with?

I think you're going to love this guy.

Come on, for God's sake. I hate working in the field.

You couldn't help, I suppose, could you? I've done my need.

Daily tell you where he obtained these chairs?

Well, no.

And you never thought to ask?

Why on earth should I?

Sergeant, if you buy something from someone you have no reason to suspect

reputable, it's hardly customary to ask them how they acquired their stock, is

it? Why do you think he wanted to buy the chairs back off you, sir?

Well, I imagine it's because he realised that they're more valuable than he

thought. Yes, and when you refuse to sell them back to him, he gets the

idea to employ a couple of con artists who come down here and deceive your wife

into parting with him for nothing.

Oh, come on, for God's sake, you brought the stuff back. You don't have to

polish it as well.

Don't be such a dummy, Arthur. What do you want us to do, leave our

all over the place?

Oh, my God, have you done the chairs?

Yeah.

old sod bang to rights this time, Mellish.

That I'll believe when I see it.

You know, I sometimes get an uneasy feeling you actually like Arthur bloody

Daly.

Well, life wouldn't be quite the same without Arthur on the manor, would it,

Coach? Are you quite sure you're cut out to be a police officer, Mellish?

Hey, Tell, you sure you don't want to stay grafting with me?

Thanks, but no thanks. No, I've had enough first -hand experience of the

-hand game. Yeah, too right he has. He's back on the firm with me where it can

be protected against lunatics like you.

Nothing personal.

Arthur, you're dynamite.

No hard feelings, Tell. See you around.

Yeah, go on, on your bike.

Oh, and, Arthur, don't forget to get your story right for when Rycock gives

a tug.

Yeah.

When Rycock gives me a tug, what's he talking about?

Well, you don't have to be a limestone to work it out, do you?

And pre -warned is pre -armed, as we say.

I'm not with you.

You will be, son. You will be.

Don't spit there. Give me that stupid, innocent routine, Arthur. Do I look like

a complete idiot?

No, not a complete one. I mean, the point is, I do not understand your

in this matter.

I mean, yes, I did sell Mr.

Collins a pair of tatty old antique chairs.

Tatty? Who said anything about tatty?

Well, the ones I sold him certainly were.

I mean, Terry will verify that, won't you? Oh, yeah, definitely a bit sober,

yeah. How would you know? You weren't there when he sold them. I've seen them

before, haven't I?

Oh, yeah.

Where? In Arthur's Lockhart. They've been hanging around for ages, haven't

Yeah, definitely.

I mean, I've owned so long, I can't even remember where they came from.

Hmm. Job a lot of rubbish, I've ordered, I suppose.

Rubbish? Rubbish!

You sold them to Collins for £1 ,500!

Yeah, he can verify that for you. He already has, Arthur. How the hell do you

think I know?

And did he tell you what a good deal he got?

Good deal.

And how I'd actually tried to buy them back from him once I found out what

true value was. Did he tell you that and all? Of course he bloody did. That is

why you are sitting here now on the point of being charged with stealing

Stealing them?

Stealing what, Mr. Ryker?

Stealing the pair of Regency chairs, which just happen to be identical to a

almost certainly stolen by Pope and you, McCann.

Hold on, hold on. Look, I do hope, with all due respect, Mr. Rycock, you've got

more than just your own suspicions to back up this load of old codswallop.

And I must, in all conscience, Mr. Rycock, support Terry in his doubts

positive nature of the evidence you are holding, lest we err into the area of

litigation. And that would be very tacky, very tacky indeed.

Sorry to interrupt, sir, but there's a phone call.

I'm Mr. Purnish. I said it's very important.

All right.

I will be back.

He seems a bit upset.

He's got an empty tummy or something.

Or a bit of domestic trouble.

Something like that.

I put it down to the terrible hours you lads have to work to get across.

Don't you, Terry?

Oh, yeah. Well, it's a thin blue line, isn't it?

Isn't it? I mean, stretched to breaking point out there they are, you know.

All to hold back the growing forces of villainy.

Very good indeed.

Well, that was a blow.

You're not listening to me, Sergeant.

I told you I'd been broken into, not robbed. On the contrary.

What do you mean your furniture's back? It can't be back.

Are you calling me a liar, Sergeant?

No, no, I'm sorry.

Are you sure?

I mean... Of course I'm sure.

Does that include the pair of Regency chairs?

from Miss Turner's flat. You know that.

Pope knows it. I know it. We all bloody know it. Here, a lob.

Please, Mr. Rycombe, you're embarrassing us.

Where's your dignity?

I mean, think what this unseemly display of emotion might do for discipline.

Come, Terence, we have work to do.

I'll have you, Jamie.

One of these days, I'll have you.

Well, come on then, work? What work?

Well, yeah, you know, that job I told you about for, um, Roly -Poly Peter.

Fifty sobs for ten minutes of your time.

Fifty? No, hold on, you said two hundred. Ah, no, no, that was when you

market leader and labour was thin on the ground.

Eh? You see, Terry, it's all a question of supply and demand. Oh, don't start

all that. Now, look, you must realise how many people there are available to

a job like this. I mean, there's three million unemployed.

Roly, how could you? I thought you said you'd given up being hard case. You'd

gone respectable.

To be respectable, you've got to be respected, Harper.

Isn't that right, Terry?

Yeah, that's right, Rowley. It looks like you haven't forgotten how to get

either. Yeah, well, I got tired of waiting for Arthur to turn up with you,

done culling from behind, just as I come through the door. Yeah, but we had a

verbal contract. A fee had been agreed.

I think a little honourable compensation is in order. Turn in. You ain't done

nothing. That's right, Rowley. Don't need our help any more. I mean, these

aren't going to give them any more ag, are they?

They're all right.

Well, they're breathing, yeah.

Do you want to go and get them down the stairs?

Yeah, for a small fee, of course.

Mr. Collins, how nice to see you.

Oh, I suppose you've come about that unfortunate misunderstanding over the

chairs. Yeah, something like that.

I can't tell you how shocked I was when Mr. Rycott told me what had happened.

I really, uh, I don't know what to say.

Please don't bother, Mr. Daly.

I also had a chat with Sergeant Rycott who gave me some very sensible advice.

This is the check for my wife's car.

You've already given me one.

No, I phoned the bank and stopped payment on that one.

You'll notice that cheque's for £2 ,000 less.

What you might call criminal compensation.

Save us today, then.

Harper.

Put it there, mate.

Come on, come on.

It's really good to be back on it firm.

Oh, it's nice of you to say that, Terence.

Listen, would you teach me how to be a winner like you?

If you want to, I'll change the situation.

Right people, right time, just the wrong location.

I've got a good idea.

Just you keep me near. I'll be so good for you. I could be so good for you.

Let's do it.