Original subtitles

My goodness, what is that smell?

It smells like a dead rat.

It's coming from... I can't smell anything.

Oh, Bayo, it's your shoes!

It's causing air pollution.

Please, remove it from this premises.

Put it over there now.

My dear sister.

I've got good news for you.

What is it, Adepunke? You look so happy.

Is it because you have my rent?

My dear sister, I'm starting a new job tomorrow.

And there won't be so much that they are willing to pay me in advance.

Double. In this London, which job pays you in advance and double unless you are

doing something hanky -panky? Yes, keep talking.

Go on, keep talking, my enemy.

Always putting me down when your sister is doing very well.

I have to see it to believe it.

Actually, a letter came for you today from your new company.

Yes, that is my offer letter.

They said they will put it in the post.

Yes. You, you read it for me.

Thank you for attending our open day. We have a few issues with your

application.

Identity fraud.

Your name is not Funke Smith.

And we're still waiting for confirmation of your date of birth, which has been

extremely difficult to verify.

Lastly, there is no record of your first class honours degree from Cambridge.

So, before your unemployment suffer, please do not contact us anymore.

Sincerely, Bill Carr, CEO, Cairns Limited.

Ah,

419.

419!

I'm from Cairns. I'm from Cairns Smith. I can't believe you.

Do you really think you can fool anybody that you went to Cambridge University?

Cambridge, of all places.

Look, I am a graduate of the University of Life.

Social life.

And that's all you are good for.

Social life.

Have you ever kept a job for more than a month?

What are you saying? Are you saying that I cannot keep a job? You just proved

that you can't unless you are somebody else. Ah, Funke, you are just useless.

I'm not useless. Me, useless. I'm not useless.

I can, yes, I can get a job. I can bet this whole house that you cannot keep a

job. Bet on, because you are definitely wrong.

I'm definitely right. You can't keep anything.

Bet you. I will bet you.

Oh yeah, come on, bet me. Bet me.

Bet me.

Three months free rent that I can keep a job.

That's a joke. When was the last time you even paid rent?

If I win.

You have a week to leave this house pronto.

Gladys, no, no, no. You heard her. You heard her.

If she cannot keep a job, she will leave this house pronto.

Deal?

Deal.

Yes, that's right.

Yes, I'm applying for the accountancy position.

Yes, I can do budgeting.

If you have a budget, I'll spend it.

Can we arrange an interview?

Hello?

Hello?

Is that the way you've been speaking on all your telephone interviews? No wonder

you haven't had any luck.

So what's wrong with the way I'm speaking?

Everything.

Look, Sade, you have to help me.

Bayo cannot win this bet.

You know he said if I can't find a job, he will kick me out of the house.

Well, where's your CV?

CV?

I don't have... I have to help you with everything.

Have you lost your memory?

Shadi, how many times have I helped you without your parents knowing?

Go and bring your laptop now. Go on, Shadi.

Escort wanted.

400 pounds?

Have fun and get paid.

Adults only.

I need you to do a nice template for me.

Okay.

Name.

Forget me.

Auntie, you can't keep using that fake name.

Huh. Hey, you don't know how it works in this country.

If you don't have an English name like Amanda, Miranda, Kate, Maria.

Oh, look, you can't get an interview and you will be put at the bottom of the

list. Ah, who's there? Who kept me?

Age?

31.

Aunty, more like 51, I think.

Fucking idiot.

Why are you spreading rumours?

I'm 31 years old.

You're right, Aunty.

Ah,

Sade, have you got a plan, sir?

No, why?

They have company falling for you.

Yo, Shadi, did you check out that cafe down the road yet?

No, I don't eat there. The food is disgusting.

Yeah, yeah, it's proper rank, innit?

But it's called Tony's Cafe, and the guy who works there is called Tony.

Bro, that's probably why it's called Tony's Cafe.

Well done, genius!

We need to serve some serious jollof rice, and the place you have it jam

-packed, mate.

Beckham needs a Nigerian cafe.

Yeah.

They're all looking for a new cooking assistant.

Well, you must know the food is bad.

Aunty, that's it.

What? You should get a job working at the cafe.

Me?

How fabulous.

To work as a cooking assistant in some dirty cafe.

Aunty, you can't be snobby.

Come on, you know Dad wants you out the house. You need to get a job.

Dad won't kick her out the house.

You've been saying that for years.

No, Toby, he's serious this time.

Auntie, you should definitely go for the job.

Really? And why don't you apply for the job?

Eh?

See, I'm not doing those days, Pepe.

Okay.

My, my, my friend.

Give me that food.

Eh? This is your food. If you buy it, buy it and put it in your house.

This is an ingredient.

Shadi, what are you doing?

I hope you're not helping your auntie.

Dad, I'm just browsing, not helping.

Good.

Because I have six more days before she leaves this house.

I don't want any interference.

No, no, no.

I'm going to get a job and you will swallow your word.

No, you will lose that bet because I will find a job.

Morning,

what can I get you?

A job.

Sorry, what?

Look, I don't have time to start explaining things.

I need to see the manager. He's looking for me.

And who are you?

I'm funky fabulous.

Funky blondie.

Correct, babe.

Okay.

Look, I don't have time to waste.

You this big, short, great somebody.

Look, I need to speak to the manager. I need to speak to the old guy at the top.

Old guy at the top?

Your PRO.

CEO.

Your managing director.

Look, the commander -in -chief.

I am the owner. I am the ogre at the top.

Why did you say so before?

Look, you've got 30 seconds to say what you want or you're out of here.

Look, I hear you're looking for another assistant manager.

So, here I am.

Look no further.

Why would I want to hire a rude woman like you? And besides, I don't need an

assistant manager. I need an assistant cook.

Do you need to ask me why?

Look around.

No customer.

No staff.

No good food.

You need me. Seriously.

No, Frank. I don't think I can work with you.

It would be a pleasure working with you.

A pleasure? You've got to be joking. I think I'll pass.

Look, I said I'd say that.

Let bygones be bygones.

Just give me a try.

No.

Look, I can cook fantastic food. I can make pandediam, alegusi, wedu, begiri.

Planting chips.

Chips, eh?

Yes. I can make it.

Can you cook mashed potato?

Pandediam, alegusi.

My shepherd's pie.

The Lord is my shepherd.

I can make anything.

Bubble and squeak. Can you cook panini?

Panini?

Which one is panini now?

I can cook it.

Just one day.

Please, just give me a try. One day.

One day, eh?

All right.

One day's probation, but starting this afternoon.

Hang on, hang on. You haven't got it yet. You're on probation, remember?

We'll see.

I

have

an important family announcement to make.

Despite all your doubts, I am now working at the cafe.

Hey, you got the job.

I got the job.

I am now working at Tony's Cafe.

I am now the new manager.

That place where nobody goes to.

You will be the only customer and the only employee there.

So how come you are the manager? If you are the manager, who is this Tony in

Tony's cafe then? Look, I am now working as the assistant manager.

Yes.

Assistant manager.

You see? She's lying again. You don't have a job. Just pack your load and go.

I have.

Look, I'm going to start this afternoon.

And Funke is not going anywhere.

Get?

Bye.

If you want me out of this house, you have to carry me out by yourself. Okay.

Okay.

It's okay.

I will carry you. I will carry you.

My back.

Okay.

I don't know how you got this job.

But let us see if you can manage to keep it. Knowing you, you will probably be

fired in one day.

Keep talking.

And I will fire you.

You will be fired.

I hope you can actually improve

the place. Yes, I will.

I need your prayers.

I need your prayers. Today is my trial day.

And I want to convince him to keep me.

Childish. You have to be on your best behavior because, hey, Bayo is

to uphold his own end of the bargain.

I know.

You see?

Tony.

I can cook.

And I can clean very well.

I'm going to be a good manager.

Fonke, the job isn't about being a great manageress. It's for an assistant cook.

Fonke.

This soup is part of British heritage.

This is my grandma's... Special leek soup, and it's the pride of the cat.

Hmm.

Well, let me add a bit of spice.

Oh, no, no, no, no. You can't add anything to this.

It's perfect the way it is.

Your job is just to make sure we get some customers in here.

I'm trying, though.

What if not easy?

Oh, look.

Here's your first customer now.

Looks like your efforts are really bearing yams, eh?

Sit down, make yourself comfortable, sir. There you go, have a seat. Thank

And our waitress will get you anything that you like. Thank you very much.

get him, sir.

Hello, customer.

Hello, assistant to the cook.

Mama put, ya mala.

What are you doing here?

Bayo, get out. I came to see with my one -two eyes if you actually have a job.

Now that you have seen that I've got a job, can you please get out? Why should

get out? I'm not going anywhere.

Why should I get out? David, are you all right over there? No.

Can I help you, sir?

My friend, since I came into this establishment, this your witness has

me nothing.

Absolutely nothing to eat.

Lack of service. Where is the service?

Service. Service. Your service. Service don't disappear.

Okay, get the gentleman a menu. Make sure he has some of my special soup.

yes.

Now, what can I give you, sir?

Would you like some of the house, special house soup? Soup?

Am I thick?

Am I thick? Unless, of course, you ask me for soup.

Does this place look like a Nigerian buka?

In this, your empty cafe, what do you have?

What do you have?

I will get you the house pressure.

Okay, this is fantastic.

Make sure you get him as much as you want.

No problem.

You see, Tony?

I told you, I will improve business.

Here, have this.

You greedy man.

So you expect a full grown up man like me to eat this and be filled up?

Just eat the thing and go.

It's okay.

It's okay.

This is disgusting.

Huh? Are you trying to poison me? Keep quiet.

You want to kill my taste buds with this horrendous food? Where's your manager?

Manager. Behave yourself.

Manager. Is there a problem, sir?

Yes, there is. No, there isn't. No, no, no. Yes, there is. No, there isn't.

Look, have you tasted this, your so -called soup that your waitress cooked?

is disgusting.

She's trying to poison me. In fact, fire her.

Fire her.

Now, get out.

Yes. How dare you insult this cafe of ours?

Here at Tony's Cafe, we serve the best food.

Yes. Excellent soup.

Delicious.

Delicious. Now, if you don't like it, you get out. How dare you talk to me

that? The customer is always right.

Look, my friend, fire her. Double fire. Fire her. Get out. You are no longer

wanted here.

Funke.

Tony, I'm sorry.

Funke, let me.

Sir, you cannot talk to my staff like that. And more importantly,

you cannot disrespect the soup that I have served from generation to

So, like my waitress said.

Get out.

Go.

Welcome,

everyone, to Funke's Cafe.

Funke, what is this delicious soup?

It is a traditional recipe.

Handed from generation to generation to generation with a bit of... Okay,

spices!

Let me add some spices.

Yes.

Okay.

What on earth is this?

Oh, Tony.

Have some.

Taste it.

earth have you done to my cafe?

Is that my special leek soup you're ruining from generation

to generation?

Tony, I'll have you know that this soup is disgusting.

I have improved it.

The atrocity.

There's me thinking I can trust you.

I turn my back and my cafe becomes a Nigerian embassy and the shores of Ekiti

land. Fante, your probation is over.

No. So when do I start?

Today was your trial and you have well and truly failed.

Failed it?

The only failure is this cafe before I came to improve it.

You can't even thank me for the cooking, the cleaning, the everything.

Man, the improving of this soup, this...

somewhere else. You can't quit because I have fired you.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I have fired you.

Annihilated. Totally destroyed you. Go ahead.

So I did not even need to bother coming to the cafes. You lost this job all on

your own. You did not even last one day. One day.

Typical. Typical. What do you mean typical?

Huh? What do you mean typical? Look, I worked very hard at that cafe.

So that's the only hard issue.

I think we can leave this for a bit. The food there was terrible.

But look, I have made it better.

Wouldn't it?

Sure.

Sure, sure, sure, sure. Look, your bags are over there.

I want you out of here sharp, sharp.

Okay.

What do you want?

Have you come to pay me my money?

No, but I might have something better for you.

Hang on.

Chew the root. customer from yesterday.

Forget that one.

Forget that one.

So, what is this special offer you say you have for me? Well, Funke, I have to

admit, ever since you left, all the customers have been demanding your suit.

It's going crazy. I don't know what you did.

Did I tell you? Yes, I told you.

You did. You did.

You're right, Funke. You passed your probation. I would love you to work in

cafe.

No.

What do you mean, no?

After the way you talked to me, I'm sorry I cannot come and work with you at

all. But, Funke, what can I do to get you to come back?

I'll pay you double.

Double?

Oh, yes.

Funke's cafe is back in business.

No, Funke.

It's Tony's cafe.

But I could do with some of that Funke spice.

You want to start tomorrow?

Oh, yes. I'll be back.

That's what I want!