Original subtitles

What are you waiting for?

That's right. I want you, yes, send the confirmation.

Dad, you're messing up my flow.

Can you just get out of the way?

Okay.

That's right. Yes, I'm awaiting your call. Thank you. Thank you.

Hello? Hello, yes.

Mr. Bimbola? Mr. Bimbola?

Who?

Sorry? Who?

Debt collection?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Mr. Ade Banjo isn't here.

Yes, yes.

Yes, it's Mr. Smitty.

It's Mr. Smitty.

Yes, from Westminster.

Mr. Smitty.

No, Ade Banjo move address.

Yes, yes. Thank you. Sorry. Bye.

Shh.

Yes, Mr. Ade Banjo isn't here.

Oh, it's you, Mr.

Bimbolla.

Yes, how are you? Aha, yes.

Oh, okay.

Of course I have an email.

This is not the dark ages.

Hold on, please. Toby, what's my email address?

Your name at hotmail .com. Okay. Yes. Bayo at hotmail .com. Yes. Bayo.

Bayo. Bayo.

Huh?

Bayo. B for backside.

A for amala.

Y for yetunde.

O for octopus.

Octopus. Or obono.

Yes. Thank you.

Oh, you will send it? Very good. Very good.

Excellent.

Fantastic news.

You

look

like a mug.

Son, son, you now have a big piece of land waiting for you in Lekki.

What's Lekki?

Lekki? Lekki? You don't know Lekki?

No. You don't know Lekki? No. Ha, Toby.

Lekki is like the Buckingham Palace of Nigeria.

The Beverly Hills of Lagos. Son, when you have bought land in Lekki, you know

you have really made it.

Wait, wait. Dad.

We live in Peckham. We can't afford brand name washing powder.

So how the heck did you afford that?

As you kids say, don't watch that song, eh?

Don't hate the player, hate the game.

That was boring.

You don't know your father? I've got skills.

I will show you skills.

Oh,

not all this kind of music, my friend. Get your beat, Dad.

Look, let me show you a bit.

No, Dad.

Dad.

Like what?

Hello.

Oh.

Check me out.

Auntie Funke, why are you dressed like that?

I am now an officer in Her Majesty's service.

Officer? You?

I told you. When Funke says she will do something, she will do it.

But, Auntie.

You've been saying you're going to move out the house for the past six months.

I am still waiting for the rent.

How can you expect family to pay rent?

But, auntie, you're not family.

He has a point.

Look, I don't have time for all this your mouth.

Where's my sister?

Daddy?

The Banjos.

Check me out.

Auntie Pinke, what are you wearing?

It's free by badge.

I am new community support officer of the law. What happened to your cleaning

job at the London Underground?

You didn't get sacked again.

Sacked. Me, sacked.

Sacked cup.

Sacked in it.

Look, I'll have you know that that was just temporary tabulation.

I have now been promoted.

Promotion, eh? That means you are making lots of money. Ah, thank you, thank

you, thank you.

Yes, you can move out soon.

Shadi. What is wrong with these children in this house? Don't mind her.

Always downloading rubbish from their mother.

Look, the job is not bad at all, my sister. The money is very good, I

lie.

Aunty,

I swear community support officers don't get paid.

Shadi.

Put your mouth in position of... Shut up!

Look, the job is very interesting.

If I tell you what I saw today when I was doing my leg patrol... What did you

see? Ah!

Kai! You will never believe it.

What? I saw a couple kissing.

Wow.

Big deal.

They were not only kissing.

They were grinding.

They were rolling.

They were squeezing.

They were...

They were doing everything.

Right by the bus stop by Peckham Library.

They were doing it in front of everybody.

These children of today, they have no home training. You'll never catch any of

my children acting like that.

Mum,

Aunty, what century are you in?

It's not a big deal.

It's not a big deal.

In my new capacity as... Community officer of law.

I wanted to run and arrest them for indecent proposal.

But this is my leg, you know. This job is too much working.

Where did you even get the job that you're already shouting?

I'm just thinking my baby.

If you see what this girl was wearing.

She was wearing tight jeans.

Showing her bum bum.

At the first, she was wearing a tight dress, showing everything.

She a Nigerian girl?

She may be Nigerian or Ghanaian. Because, you know, they always have big

bottoms. But this one was very slim.

Somebody like Sade.

If she was my daughter, she would be period.

Toby, refresh, refresh!

Dad, chill out.

It's not there yet. Look, my friend said if you press the refresh button, the

email comes. Now press it.

Refresh your job.

You see? You see now?

Open it, open it.

You wrecked.

Look at that. What kind of piece of...

Dirty.

You'll know potential when you see it.

Now it's time to proclaim the rest of the news to the family.

Everybody come over. I have important announcement.

We have important discussion.

The Adebanjo family come to the living room now.

Sharp, sharp. Fast, fast.

I said family.

Are you talking to me?

Whether you like it or not, I am part of this family.

As soon as I'm feeling charitable, carry go.

Anybody sit down.

When the coconut falls from the palm tree and hits the sand on the beach, it

only the water that knows where it is going.

Okay, what I'm trying to say is this.

You will no longer look at me as Bayo, the housing support officer, or Bayo,

minicab driver.

You will now be looking at me as Bayo, the real estate mongrel.

It's not mongol.

It's moku.

You know?

This

better

not be another one of your schemes. Gladys, this is not a scheme.

This is reality.

I have confirmation that I, no, no, we are now the owners of a prestigious

of land on which we will build our mansion in Letty. Dad, mansion?

I would say that.

I saw the pictures.

It looks like a piece of dead land.

Silly boy, silly boy.

You mean you actually bought something with your own money? Ah, you see, some

people actually pay for things. Funke, take note.

Thank you for that value. That's right.

Can you give me five cents to top up my oyster box? Oh, forget that one.

Didn't I tell you I was going to give you a surprise?

A mansion.

Mansion.

Do you actually believe that he will go anywhere without me? Yes!

We are going to... Bye, y 'all. Bye, y 'all. We don't have money for this. How

can we afford this?

Gladdy, Gladdy, rejoice with me this one time.

This Mr. Bembola, he fixed it.

We now have our own land in Nigeria.

So you mean... Toby,

Toby, pop some Flemish. Pop that Flemish. Group hug, group hug. Group

hug. Group hug, yo.

I can't wait to boast to my friends at school about the new mansion.

You mean our new mansion.

Aunty, you know that...

Crazy couple you were talking about.

I don't suppose you saw their faces, did you?

But thank God for CCTV camera.

And thank God for vigilance me.

Ah,

where's my bag?

Why, you don't have the footage in your bag, do you?

Yes.

Tonight, I'm going to watch it and prepare myself.

Climb report.

Hey, Sade, you are good at typing.

You will help me.

Yo, it's Kevin seeing a place to be.

What's up, family?

Yo, Sade.

Who here is your family?

Did you miss road?

Are you lost?

You got bad jokes.

Mum wants to borrow the hoover.

All the time, your mom needs to borrow.

Borrow, borrow, borrow, borrow, borrow. Make me rich.

Never purchase.

Chill out, Funk.

You always told me. Hey, I told you, stupid boy.

Never to call me by my first name.

Auntie? Auntie Funke?

Do you hear? All right, Auntie.

Funk.

I will funk your head by legs.

Auntie, why don't you go and have a lie down?

My body.

Your arm is nuts.

I need your help.

Not as much as I need you, Huck Duff.

I know you've never done anything of any significance in your entire life, but

this... This is a chance to be useful.

Sade, anything.

Anything you need. I'm here. I'm willing. I'm able. I'm yours.

Kevin, you're a whole year younger than me. You're my brother's little friend.

The closest we're ever going to be is neighbors.

And that's the way it is.

Anyway, here's what I need you to do.

Okay, so where's yours?

Oh, that far out.

Look, ours is close to the beach.

So if you want to see the water, I'm sure Bayo and I can accommodate you

anytime.

Anyways, I've got to go.

We'll talk again soon. Bye -bye. Hey!

You, this old man.

You are telling the whole world already.

Of course.

I want to shout it from the rooftop.

Do you know how many times you've promised me something I never delivered?

I'm still waiting for my honeymoon from back from the 90s. Don't I bring you to

London?

Honey, don't worry.

This will be the first of many.

Because... I am working.

419.

I don't get it. It's not like you were getting down and dirty.

Kevin, you don't understand.

Nigerian parents are so old -fashioned.

Me kissing a guy is like a criminal offence.

Punishable until I'm 30.

Well, if kissing you is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Kevin,

look. She's gone to the toilet. Go!

All gone.

That was close.

Not close enough.

Having a kiss is in order for you to heal.

Ew, gross!

Get lost.

That was my best move.

Mum, Dad, I had a look at the piece of land in Leckie and I think you should

have a look. Hon, you must be so excited.

It's so... Marvellous. You can have a room as big as this house with an en

suite. You, this woman.

No, no. I think there is something wrong with it.

There is something wrong. You tell him, Mum.

We don't have enough room for a swimming pool.

No, no, no.

No, that's not it.

Look, look, look, my son. If it is a football court you want, a football

you will get.

No, just have a look at that. Now, son.

African queen.

You are my African queen.

You can love my dream.

You make me wanna wanna sing.

Hey, Sade, get me some chicken and blankets.

I want to rest a little before I watch my DVD and prepare my report.

Kevin!

You destroyed the wrong DVD!

The wrong DVD!

What?

She's going to watch it. They're all going to watch it. And they're going to

me.

They're going to send me to Nigeria.

They're going to shave off my hair.

They're going to put me in a convent.

I thought you didn't need my help. You told me to get lost.

Kevin.

I'll make it worth your while.

Okay.

Okay.

What do you want me to do?

What a relief.

Antifunk. It's just a dream.

It's just...

A dream.

It's all a dream.

What am I dreaming?

It's all a dream.

I'm just here to bring you some chicken.

Chicken?

Chicken?

Yeah.

Kevin, what do you think you are doing?

I was just trying to get the remote control.

And then you grabbed my arm. Let go of me.

Help! Help!

Auntie, you're sleep fighting again.

You know, that thing you do when you grab people while you're sleeping.

Why don't you go upstairs and lie down?

And I'll look after your stuff while you're sleeping.

I have to play my DVD now.

I need to make my first crime report.

Chadi, call everybody.

Everybody, come and see.

Come and see Inspector Funke in action.

Auntie Funke, you know I don't have time for this. Ah, gladi.

Sit down.

You be the official note -taker.

What is all this?

Buy up.

You be the... Don't sit down.

Dad,

I need to speak to you about... After, let's watch this video first.

It's not working. I'm just going to take it upstairs.

What are you talking, Ushadi?

I know it is working.

Will you hurry up?

It's not rocket science, Ushadi. Just put on the button.

Maybe it's expired.

What are you saying?

Are you deaf?

I think it's dirty. I'm just going to take it and clean it.

Give it to me.

Move out of the way. You are blocking the view.

It's my workplace.

Hello.

Oh, yes.

I just want to let you know.

Yes, I am preparing the crime report with the CCTV footage.

Yes.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Are you serious?

Sirius, this is a severe offense.

It is against company policy to remove CCTV tapes from the premises.

Therefore, I must terminate your contract of employment effective

Please, please, please, please now.

Don't attack me. Don't attack me. Oh, I will not watch it. I'm close. I cannot

see. Oh, I will not see the evidence.

Oh.

I will put it in a brown silver envelope and send it to you immediately.

Oh.

Ah,

please. Please don't sack me.

Send it in the post now.

I will do that right now.

Okay, peace out.

Peace. Are we not watching the DVD anymore? No, no. I don't want any

I don't want any trouble anymore.

Okay, can we please watch the news?

45 applicants have fallen victim to what the authorities are calling the Let New

Profits scandal.

A key ringleader, Mr. Bimbo, price estimated at £150 ,000,

is gullible and as one might say, senseless for an investor.

I am about to have a heart attack.

I will give you more than a heart attack.

Mom, I cannot believe it. All this money we've been saving for what?

Instead of shopping at Waitrose, we shop at Lido.

My friends shop in Harrods. I am the first in line at Charity Shop.

Everyone goes on holiday once, twice, even three times a year.

But where do I take the children?

call my name.

Ordinary five pounds to pop up my oyster.

You cannot give me.

You can give 30 ,000 pounds to 4 -1 -10.

Daddy.

Just tell him.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Your dad has 30 grand and you're still living peckish. Silence, silence,

silence. I am the one. I am the one who make this money.

We are the ones who make this money. And we will make it back. Yeah.

Mark my word. We will make that money back or my name is not Bayo Adebanjo. I

will make the money. We will build a house in Lekki.

Before you worry about Lekki, you might want to charge the electric meter.