Original subtitles

Gladdy, let's go.

And this. Hey, Gladdy, what is this?

We're only going for one night.

Bayo, it's not just one night, oh. I have been waiting for you to take me on

quality holiday for a whole lifetime.

Quality? Woman, calm yourself.

We're only going to Potsmouth.

Bayo, you mean Potsmouth.

Besides, when was the last time we left London?

Let me make sure the kids know the plan.

Sade, Toby!

Make sure you tidy the kitchen.

The windows. And don't open the door for strangers.

How are we going to know if they're strangers if we don't open the door?

Idiot. Use your common sense.

Toby.

Remember, you are the man of the house.

So look after your sister while we're away, okay?

Wait. Look after my sister?

Have you seen the size of her?

She can look after herself.

So I'm not here to look after you.

I'm coming with you.

Auntie Funke, it's a couple's retreat.

And the last time I checked, you're single.

I am going to a single's retreat.

I shall be lodging next door.

Single's retreat?

With who?

I shall be staying with all the single Niger pastors.

Are you a pastor?

You know what they say.

The best way to find a good man.

It's in the church.

I go all the way to Portsmouth. I still can't get away from you.

Let's go. Let us go.

Gladly, we better get that restraining order.

Oh, yeah.

Bye. Bye. Have fun. Bye, guys.

Should I stay?

So you thought I was leaving you all alone, huh?

I have called your cousin Femi to look after you while we're away.

Shardy, you've got to bounce because this house is officially mine.

Kevin and I have got plans.

Shut up. I'm the oldest. You have to listen to me.

Didn't you hear what Dad said? I'm the man of the house.

So listen, little girl.

You've got to submit to what I say. Little girl?

Are you okay?

Idiot. What?

Monica, sleep over at my house tonight.

Tell Joy to come.

Exactly. She's the most popular. If all the guys see us hanging around with

her... They're going to want to hang out with us.

Tell her to come.

Which girls do you want, man?

I've got Hayley, Jessica, Tina, Emma.

I'll take ten, you take ten.

Okay, what shall I say? Party around yours?

Yeah, bring some girls round, play some music, pop some of my parents' Flemish.

Who knows, one of us might get lucky.

All my days.

I'm going to get some action, bro.

What do you know about action?

Trust me, I got some action off Charmaine.

Oh, the one with the big... Yeah, man. Did you get a feel up? No, man.

A love bag? Better than that. A kiss?

Better than that. What did you get then?

A hug, bro.

What? A hug.

Everyone gets hugs from Charmaine. She gives them away for free.

But she hugged me tight, bro.

You are absolutely useless.

Anyway, sent.

Now to wait for the reply.

I don't get it. How are all these girls going to fit in this house?

You don't get it, do you? You're so dumb.

They're not all going to come. But one out of twenty ain't bad.

One out of twenty?

Yeah.

One out of twenty?

Yeah. What about me?

You can watch, bruv.

Yeah, yeah!

I don't know what you're planning, but you better not be around during my get

-together. You better move out, man, because we've got girls coming round.

Listen, yeah, you and pimple face better stay out of my way because this is my

house this weekend.

Hey, it's Uncle Femi.

How are my pimple cousins doing?

I hope you guys are not planning to eat chili this weekend because the family is

in town.

Hello, everybody.

Hello, everybody.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

As you are aware, your father and mother are not around.

So I'm the boss.

I'm the mayor of the manor.

No, no, no, no. In fact, I am the king of the kingdom.

So, Shadi, go and get me some tea, two sugar, plenty milk, and some biscuits.

Femi, I'm not your slave, you know.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Close your pink lips. Am I your mate? Don't talk to your uncle like that.

You're like three years older than me.

You're not my uncle. You're my cousin.

Yeah.

What's that?

Come on, take my clothes.

I'm not doing that.

I haven't got time for that.

I've got girls coming over.

We've got girls coming over.

It seems like you have wax inside your ears. Your father and mother said no

visitors. Know what?

No visitors. Come on, get out of my clothes. Quickly.

What are we going to do about your cousin, man?

I don't know.

You can't have him here when the chicks come round.

And I wasn't expecting him here till later.

Well, you got any messages?

Uh, well, um...

Uh, none yet.

But, but, uh, you know, bad reception in here.

Yeah. Yeah, mine too, man. Yeah, mine too.

Sandy.

Sandy who?

Oh, no. Oh, no way.

Sandy. Sandy, bruv.

Sandy buffed in.

The one with the big... Yeah.

Is it? Yeah.

No.

Oh my god!

Oh my... Oh my

god, what did you say to her?

Nothing. She said to come round for games.

Games? What's wrong with you, man?

You need some work.

Please, Femi.

Eh? Please!

Shadi, I said no visitors.

The answer is... No, no, no, no.

No.

You cannot be serious.

Shadi, I'm deadly serious.

If one person even presses that bell.

Oh, what is this?

Shadi, I said no, please don't. Hey, Monica.

Hey,

beautiful.

Shadi, you need to tell me you have such a circular friend.

Let me take this for you.

An angel like you should not be carrying anything heavy. You should be resting

your wings.

Bemi, you can go now.

Okay, I'll just be over here.

Joy should be coming soon. It's going to be so wicked without your parents being

here.

What's wrong with your cousin?

It's you, baby.

I'm still trying to figure it out.

Shadi, can you step in my department, please?

Shari, this friend of yours, she's so fine. I mean, her eyes are like

Just so juicy.

You can't look a cousin up, man.

Ah, so now you need my help.

Well, the answer's no, Femi. You can't be moving to my friends. You can't be

embarrassing me like that.

My bestest cousin, Shari.

Listen, I beg now. She's single.

I'm single.

We can be single together.

Look, Femi.

She would never go for anyone like you.

Come on, Monica.

Monica.

Oh, I think Femi's in love.

Your friends, man.

Yeah. Big man.

Yeah. So, you know if Sade's allowed a friend over, does that mean we are too?

Come again, Hamza?

Are your ears dirty?

I must uphold the rules of your parents, which means no big thoughts.

But what about Monica?

Monica is special.

I must do whatever it takes to get her out.

But, Ben, back to reality.

See this girl Sandy, man? She's the hottest girl in school.

Do you know how hard it was to get her over?

Fez, man, you know Rihanna? Yeah. Better than that. What?

You know Beyonce?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Better than that. Really? You can't be serious?

Rihanna's better than, like, Kenny Osbourne.

Kelly Osbourne?

The answer now is definitely no.

Kelly Osbourne?

Are you kidding?

Did I not tell these rebellious monkeys?

No Benito's. No Benito's.

Glad you could come. Quick, come upstairs. We're listening to the latest

&B. Beyonce!

Am I your butler?

I said no visitors.

No visitors.

Huh? Nobody respects me in this house.

Joy, I love your shoes.

You're such a fashionista.

I wish I could lift her on the compliment.

You're so pretty.

Yeah, your skin looks so soft.

Nibia.

She's so cool.

I know.

Oh my God, is that a designer handbag? That must have been so expensive.

It is.

I have the matching pearl bracelet.

What? Don't touch.

Keep your dirty hands off.

Anyway, I hear you're going to the end of year party with Daniel.

It's only right that he'd want to go with me.

He does like his classy girls.

Do you guys have dates?

No, I didn't think so.

Throat's dry.

Water, please.

Make sure it's bottled.

Unsparkling.

With a hint of lemon in it.

So funny.

Yeah, really funny.

Jessica, Jessica.

She's here.

She's here. She's here.

Oh, my God.

Toby, what's all that hush -hush going on over there now?

Nothing, Uncle Femmes. Chill out, man.

It better be nothing because my hair needs some waxing.

Quick, quick.

Jennifer.

I don't want to be you right now, bro.

Oh, yeah, Kevin, there's some sweet as our chicken. Can you help me check that?

I think I'm in love.

What? With that Monica girl?

You've got no chance, mate.

What do you mean?

I've got skills.

I've even got swagger. In fact, I've got game.

You ain't got game, bro.

Toby, you've got to help me out.

Okay.

The lady's like...

A guy who looks good, can dress well, and can dance. I can boogie.

And you are failing in all three.

Stay by the bell.

I

stand

out.

What the heck are you doing here?

You invited me.

You invited?

Wrong standing!

I'm really excited that you guys invited me. What games are we going to play?

I've got one.

Let's play hide and seek.

You get lost and we'll try not to find you.

Oh my god.

Are you cooking chicken?

Sweet and sour chicken?

No. But KFC's down the road.

Wicked. When are you going?

Because I want to be alone with Toby.

Oh, Toby, so this is the fine babes you've been talking about, eh?

Oh, my God, Toby.

You've been talking about me.

I know you like me.

He's been blaming my health. She's so fine.

She's so fine. She's so smooth.

Come in, come in, come in.

And, uh, Fermi, didn't you say we weren't allowed guests?

Don't be silly, eh? I will bend the rules for this fine shorty, okay?

Sit down, sit down.

Toby, no home training. Sit down.

Kevin, go and get a drink now.

Come on, closer, closer.

Toby, you're the man.

Joy,

do you like hip -hop?

Ew. Get her.

Funky how?

Lame. Yes, Charlotte, that's lame.

Yeah, lame.

So lame.

So what kind of music do you like?

Well, I'm not into your tacky music.

I'm into more sophisticated, mature, generational music like...

S Club 7.

S Club?

Charlotte, do we like S Club?

No, we don't. Yes, we do.

Yeah, we love S Club.

I think I've still got one of the tracks on my laptop.

So why didn't you play it ages ago?

What's that noise?

Bimmy!

Bimmy!

Wait.

It's a test pill.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, Monica.

Come on, ladies.

Move to the beat.

Sade, your cousin is so late.

Rock your beat.

Bimmy!

Come on, baby. Feel it in the air.

Oh, yeah. You're lovable.

If you don't get your hands off me, I'm going to give you a dirty slap.

Poor Monica.

One. What kind of madhouse is this?

Two. Femi, she doesn't like you.

Three. Femi, just stop it. You're embarrassing me.

I just wanted to dance.

What's this one?

I think the TV's broken.

Yeah. Why don't you take it home and watch it?

Why don't you go home and leave me and Toby to be alone?

Don't you get it?

I don't want to be alone with you.

I don't want to be around you.

I don't even like you.

Well, that's not what Kevin's text said.

Well, we didn't mean to send it to you.

It was meant to go to the other Sandy.

Yeah.

Sandy Buck.

I'm sorry.

Well, it's the truth, you know.

Well, you might not like me, but unless I get kissed on these lips, the whole

entire school's going to know that you invited me over because you love this

buddy.

Better pucker up, big boy.

We're not going to do that.

Right, Kevin?

Ate my lips you once, bro.

I should have my dad's moves.

Why does she not like me?

Why does she not like me?

I thought they kept animals in cages.

It's not his fault.

He's not used to females.

I guess it's not every day he sees beautiful women like me.

What?

So Joy, I love your hair. Where did you buy it from?

cheat weeds like you girls.

This hair is 100 % natural.

Okay, so where do you get it done?

A hairdresser's in Knightsbridge.

I wouldn't expect you to know where that is.

But why not?

Yeah, we get our hair done all the time.

But Sharda, your mum does your hair.

Joy, it was just a mistake.

Everything about you is a mistake. Joy?

Your market clothes, your council estate house, your cheap weed.

I don't know why I even bothered.

I'll probably break out and hide soon from all the insects and bugs you have

here. Oh my God, enough is enough.

Why are you so mean?

Joy, you need to get the most out of here. If Sade wants me to go, she will

me herself.

She doesn't need her rubber -lipped cousin to butt his nose.

You this stock of fat -nosed useless cow.

I've been hearing your rubbish all day.

Don't come in my house talking nonsense.

Shade is a human being. She has a heart and a soul. And quite frankly, she's fed

up of you.

You know what? I was leaving anyway.

The only reason I came here was to take pictures of your crap house and show it

around school.

Don't even try and talk to me.

I'm going to disgrace you in front of everyone.

Idiot. Come on, get up.

Oh, my God.

Who's going to disgrace you now?

Take your flake ass and get out of my house.

We don't keep rubbish up in here.

Yeah, get out.

I mean... Demi, that was so...

Impressive. You think so? You think so?

I've always liked men who could stick up for themselves.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks, Bimmy.

Any people, mate.

You're the best cousin.

Aw, you're so sweet.

And I suck on their friends.

What are we going to do about rubbish?

I have an idea.

One bite of this chocolate laxative and she'll be singing all the way to the

toilet.

Hey lover boy, you ready for me now?

Yeah, first I thought we could get a snack.

Because I know how much you like your chocolate. Chocolate?

Wow, you really understand me.

How did you?

I told you, I've got games.

You like chocolate, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're from inside the fridge, okay?

You can't have that one. This is my favorite, thank you.

Okay, guys, out.

Everybody out.

Out, come on, come on, come on.

One, two, three.

Where's Toby?

Hello, sir. Hello, sir. What are you doing kissing girls on my sofa?

When you are supposed to be looking after my kids. And who is she? I don't

Who are you?

Dad, what are you doing here? What do you mean, what am I doing here? Is this

not my house?

Dad, where's mum and auntie? Oh, I will explain about this crazy woman later.

First, what is going on in this house?

Toby, I want my kid.

Kid? Hey, my friend, Oya, vacate the premises.

Sharp, sharp. Fast, fast.

I'm not going anywhere.

Listen, Oyebo, maybe your ears, they're not working. I say get out of here

before I... If you come anywhere near me, I'll call the police. I'll call the

police.

Oyebo, in my own house? What nonsense is this?

Seems to be trouble.

Oyebo, I want my tea.

It's all right.

I'll take one for the team.

Looked like you got no choice.

Yeah, I tried, man.

Toby, pack her up.

Sandy!

Oi!

What's going on here?

What have I told you about kissing young boys?

Focus on your studies.

You're already behind two years.

Two years? Get home now.

Get home now. Yeah, that's it. Out, come on.

Out, out.

Get out! Oi!

Will you not raise your voice to my daughter like that?

I'm very sorry.

Bye.

Oya, everybody, out.

Out!

Everybody.

Balance, everybody, balance.

Balancer.

I need some refreshments. Shadi, bring me some juice.

I mean, is there nothing to eat in this house?

Dad, there's some chocolate over there. Ooh, chocolate.

Lovely, lovely chocolate.

Balance.