Original subtitles

[Frank] Just have a seat right there.

-Would you like a drink or- -[woman] Mm, no.

No? How about, how about a fresh glass of water?

I have to just go back and gather myself

with my buddies and... before we start this.

-Okay? All right, good, good. -Okay.

But we are on the clock.

Oh, yeah, and for the record,

you know, you might want to jot down

how well you're being treated

at this professional establishment.

[Dennis] Frank, get over here.

Is she from the newspaper?

We are in big trouble.

We gotta come up with a statement for this reporter.

-She's gonna butcher us. -Yeah, this is bad.

No, why don't we just play dumb?

Why do we have to come up with a statement at all?

Because they found 500 gallons of baby oil

dumped in the Schuylkill River.

Wait, wait. Dee might be right,

'cause they can't actually prove that that was us.

-Right. -Well, the 200 "Paddy's Pub" t-shirts

floating around in it aren't exactly helping our case, pal.

-Yeah, that's not helping us. -Maybe this is a good thing.

-This could be our Paddy's-gate. -Okay, there you go.

Well, but "gates" aren't a good thing.

I mean, Pizza-gate, Watergate.

-Nipple-gate? Nipple-gate. -[Charlie] Nipple-gate.

Janet Jackson's career was never the same.

-You're right. -But some things

you gotta keep covered up.

We've got to come up with a statement.

Guys, guys, guys, guys. We can handle this.

I mean, this is why we went to that corporate retreat in Idaho.

Right, right. Well, we didn't go to the retreat

so much as watched a bunch of clips of it on YouTube,

but, you know, you're right, Mac.

Normally, a situation like this

would have me clawing all your faces off,

but I'm not gonna do that.

I'm gonna utilize my words.

I do see your hand is still in a bit of a claw.

Yeah, I was ready to pounce.

Yeah, I had it hidden behind my head.

-I was ready. -Yeah, I hid it behind my leg.

-I had a feeling -Should we un...

No, no, let's all un-claw our hands.

Right? Because that was the old way.

This is the new way, right?

We've got the tools from the corporate retreat,

we've got the vocabulary,

we've got these awesome fleece vests...

-God, I love this vest. -...inspired by the retreat.

-Oh, my God, I love the fleece. -Aren't these great?

You can let it all go under here.

Appreciate you springing for that, Frank.

-Thank you very much. -Yeah, no problem.

So, listen, we can handle this unpleasantry

with the grace and elegance of any major corporation,

by utilizing a little thought leadership

and simply talking this thing out.

? ?

First and foremost, the business must be protected

-at all times. -Yeah.

Yes, yes, the business is infinitely more important

than any individual.

Yes. We are, of course, a family,

but, uh, human emotion notwithstanding,

I would be remiss not to mention

that we are a business first,

and as a business, we must behave as such.

So I would like to posit, respectfully, of course,

that we put forth an offering.

Yes? A lamb, if you will.

Now, I would say, uh, that lamb right now

could be tender and delicious, but we have kind of

bigger issues that we're dealing with

that we need to discuss, and, maybe, you know,

eating lamb is not the best thing,

-momentarily speaking. -Thank you for that, Charlie,

but, uh, of course,

I'm speaking of a sacrificial lamb.

Ah.

Maybe we need to walk through the series of events

of the incident to figure out who the fall guy should be.

And I would like to respectfully point out

that the phrase is "fall guy."

Thank you for pointing out that gender inequity, Dee.

Henceforth, let's refer to that position

-as "fall person." -Mm.

Or we could circle back to, uh, animal-related conversations.

We could consider "fall fish," uh, or "scape-fish."

Or even "fall bird," and then we're back to Dee.

[Dennis] Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry, guys,

but, um,

my hand is so tightly clenched into a claw...

-Same, same. -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm feeling the claw

-again, uh... -[Dennis] All right, all right,

so why don't we do this? Let's all take a deep breath

before we continue this conversation,

-un-claw our hands. -[taking deep, shaky breaths]

I think Dee is right.

I think we got to take this mess

from the beginning and find out how we got here.

-Uh-huh. -Find out who's really to blame.

Now, as you recall, it all started several weeks ago...

Whoa!

...when Frank found that jug out back.

Yo, let me blow on that.

No, you make sounds

when you bang on 'em, not blow on 'em.

-No, you blow on it. -Yeah, yeah.

You know, like a... [blows on bottle]

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -But it's gonna be much deeper.

No, no, no, no, he's right. You don't blow on it.

No, if you blow on it like that...

No, you turn it upside down!

You don't bang on it...

[Dennis] Of course, that led to a vigorous debate,

which, in turn, led to vigorous clawing

until we decided to stop fighting

and, yeah, simply get our own jugs.

Annoyingly, however, the jugs were filled with fluid.

What are we supposed to do with all this fluid?

Uh, yeah.

Can't really play 'em as an instrument until we...

-Oh. -Yeah, that's a problem isn't it?

Yeah, we could... uh, wash the bar with it?

Eh, you don't want to wash the bar

-with a water-based liquid. -[Frank] Make a fire?

Oh, oh, oh! Make a fire, and then pour the water on the-

-Make a fire and put it out. -What are you talking about?

We're not gonna make a fire.

But if we start a fire, then we-

Why would we start a fire?

So we, so we have a reason to use all this liquid.

[Dennis] After an hour-long argument about the best way

to dispose of the fluid, uh, we caved

and decided the best way to make the jugs empty

was to simply drink the water.

[Dennis] You know, if I'm braising something,

is that a way to cook something

or is that shellacking it in something?

Like, am I putting sauce on it?

[Dennis] The inadvertent effect

of the watercooler was not just hydration

but conversation.

Is it about the sauce

or the cooking technique? Or both?

-It- Both. -Both.

The water tank became a think tank

for business scaffolding as well as recent

health initiatives and, you know, general interest.

Well, now, I've taken to using baby oil

almost exclusively when I get out of the shower.

You know, I don't know if you guys know this,

but you can actually put a tablespoon of baby oil

in your coffee in the morning,

and it resets the pH balance of your gut biome.

You drink it?

You know, if you're gonna dump stuff,

the best place is the ocean.

I mean, you know, in a pinch,

you go to a lake or a river,

but you want to get rid of something,

ocean's the only way to go.

Dennis, how do they get the oil out of the baby?

Do they have to mash the babies up or grind them?

Is it babies that are sick and dying already?

-Or-or, what is the- -Don't be an idiot, Charlie.

The babies are alive.

They just wring them out like a old rag.

The Cybertruck is by far the coolest piece of machinery

that the space nerd has ever made.

-Absolutely. -I love that truck.

I'm furious that all cars don't look like that.

Totally. You know what it is? It delivers on the promise

of the future from our youth.

-Yes. -Right? We thought all cars

were gonna look like that back in the day.

You know, hard lines, sharp corners,

DeLorean-like materials.

Oh, I know, it's the transportation

fitting of a Terminator.

-Totally, a Terminator. -Absolutely.

Yeah, it's like a rhombus on wheels.

Right, right, right, right. Yeah, no, absolutely.

[Dennis] We were firing on all cylinders.

But things took a most exciting turn

when one particular topic was raised.

Gentlemen, what are your thoughts on slap fighting?

Slap fighting?

I'm unaware of this.

Oh, well, let me tell you,

just like the Cybertruck is the future of transportation,

slap fighting is the future of dispute mitigation.

[Dennis] And my God, was he right.

We had to try our hand at it.

The Egyptians, they liked the cats.

They liked 'em.

I know, but it's a...

it's a cat-based society, you know what I mean?

Yeah, but I-I understand that, but-

-The cats are a huge part of their thing, man. -They like the cats.

[Dennis] Everybody loved it.

We swapped out the clawing for slapping.

I mean, we were using it to-to settle arguments.

We were using it to end the day,

to start the day, to say goodbye,

to say hello, to celebrate, to mourn.

Everything, you know?

But then Mac had a business idea.

Gentlemen, let's discuss

professional slap fighting.

[Dennis] We were all slapped across the proverbial cheeks

with this venture.

[cheering]

Take your shirts off, though.

[shouting]

[Dennis] It was this hand/face-based business venture

that led to the off-lining of certain corporate assets

into various aquatic bodies,

so Mac is clearly the prime candidate

to fall on the metaphorical sword here. Yes?

Sure. Well, yeah, that-that-that...

-that adds up, right? -Sounds good.

That does seem to be the proper mathing, yes?

-You agree? -Yeah, I do hear you guys on this,

and as long as we're outside of the earshot

of this reporter, I'd like to add

you can stick this line of logic up your various assholes.

-Mmm. -[Charlie] All right.

-It's an interesting point. -That's, uh, harsher language

-than I thought we were allowed to use here, but. .. -Appreciate your candor.

Also, Dennis is leaving out a core friction point.

Things were going smoothly until Dennis pointed out

that the whole thing sorely lacked eroticism.

Slaps and profits have gone up. That's great.

-Uh-huh. -Uh-huh.

But chick saturation has gone down.

-That's not good. -Uh-uh.

The whole thing is sorely lacking eroticism.

The data is alarming.

-Yeah. -Well, let's fix that.

-Yeah, yeah. -Go on.

[Mac] He pitched something

with the eroticism of mud wrestling

and the aggression of a Cybertruck.

The world just has not delivered on the future

that we were promised when we were growing up.

We were promised mud wrestling.

We were promised wet T-shirt contests.

We were promised women going wild.

At a certain point, we stopped women from going wild.

Why did we do that?

They want to go wild.

They should go wild.

They want to go wild.

Let's let them go wild.

They're too dry.

And so they don't feel wild.

Yeah, exactly.

Guys, let's get back to our core values.

I mean, th-there is an underserved market

for one-on-one erotic sport competition

between scantily clad, oiled up women.

[Mac] He proposed pivoting away from dudes

and investing all of our resources

more heavily into women and baby oil.

[cheering]

-[shouting] -[thudding]

This is why Dennis's head must roll.

I compliment him on the innovation,

but the idea was a little chunky.

If I'm being honest, my personal distaste for women aside,

I think you crapped the bed on the execution.

We were over-leveraged in the baby oil department,

and subsequential environmental what-have-you's

from the off-lining have left us in this particular situation,

which is why I nominate Dennis.

Right time, right skull.

I like it, I like it.

I gotta say, I'm impressed. You know, you coming at me

open kimono here, and I appreciate that.

So, kudos, you know?

But I do think we need to helicopter up,

stretch the vantage point a little bit.

Think we need to chew on the key protein here,

which I believe to be... Dee.

[Mac] Mm.

[Dennis] With the women slappers in the bar,

we were thriving, but we weren't quite reaching

the erotic escape velocity that I was hoping for.

I mean, there's just, it really all it is

is there's one lingering problem with the women.

Well, they're ugly.

They're ugly.

I didn't want to say it, but they are ugly.

Yeah, they're a bit gruff, aren't they?

The big issue for me is you can't put baby oil

on any of these women, you know? They'll bite you.

Oh, I had one almost bend my arm completely in half.

I tried to put baby oil on her, and she-

Oh, I got pinned by her, too, man.

Yeah, yeah. So, you know, like,

chick saturation is up- that's good-

but the attractive/oil saturation...

-[Charlie] Is way down. -[Dennis blows a raspberry]

It's way down.

-Why is that? -Yeah, it's way down.

So we need to find a way to lure in hotter women.

Yeah, that's all it is, you know what I mean?

-Anybody got any ideas? -[Frank] Back in the day,

when we were taking down all the aluminum siding,

what were we gonna do with all that asbestos that was left?

-We dumped it in the Schuylkill. -Oh, you did?

-Yeah. -[Dennis] Okay.

But-but in order to get them to do it,

we lured them in with a Cadillac.

[Charlie] Oh.

That's what you got to do with a woman.

You think we give these gals a Cadillac...

-Yeah. -...and we say, you know, you win the slap fight,

-you get a Cadillac? -Everybody needs money.

Wait.

I know exactly what we should do.

Oh, I was thinking the same thing.

I doubt it.

-[laughing] -Look at this thing.

Oh, man. Frank, baby, this is quite the prize.

-Nice. -[Dennis] Nicely done, Frank.

-Yeah! -Wow.

-Look at the hard angles on this. -Yeah.

It's beautiful, man.

[Dennis] The Cybertruck lured in

a much sexier talent pool.

We were really excited about the quality of slapper,

but there was one that stood out above all the others.

I mean, we couldn't take our eyes off her.

I can't wait to see the headlights on her.

[laughs] Yeah, well, and you never will see 'em, Frank,

because there's only one single headlight.

[Charlie] It's a single headlight. Yeah.

[Dennis] We couldn't give her away.

We had to have her. Wasn't long before we came up

with a plan to retain her for ourselves.

We would just have to win the slap contest.

You know, we needed a ringer. Someone to tear through

these waifish models and ensure the truck

would remain in our portfolio.

What are you guys doing?

Eh?

[Edvard Grieg's "In the Hall of the Mountain King" playing]

[scoffs]

[spectators exclaiming]

[yelling]

[Dennis, chuckling] Dee was tearing through girls

like a paper shredder through company records,

and we knew she would, as I had explained it with a graph.

The lower the self-esteem, the harder the slap,

and Dee could take a hit, too.

Right, years of getting slapped around by Frank, right?

-[chuckles] -Yeah.

Those were the days.

-Oh, yeah. -If you say so, buddy.

If you say so.

She had it all, and she delivered

slap after slap.

Sexy women, aggressive violence, futuristic trucks.

Everything was going according to plan.

Until Dee got knocked out.

[crowd exclaims]

Dee, I thank you for your service.

-I love you like a sister. -Well, I am your sister.

Well, you know, familial ties notwithstanding, uh,

think you kind of drained the kettle on that one.

And, hey, you know, no offense, but I think

you've proven yourself to be pretty good at taking a fall.

[laughter]

[Dee] Guys, I know

things are getting hot, okay?

But I think we're styling the wrong mannequin here.

I would've won that competition if it wasn't for our associate

deviating from the business plan,

and that would be Charlie.

Oh. Uh, wow.

[Dee] He fell back on some old bad habits.

[chuckles]

Hup!

-[The Waitress screams] -Wassup! [laughs]

-What's going on? New car? -Oh, God.

-I like it. Pretty sweet. -Okay. What is this?

-Is that a Geo? What is this? -What is this? Why are you here?

Well, I got a business opportunity for you.

Oh, a business opportunity?

-Yeah, check this out. -Oh, good. Great.

-Yeah, you're gonna like this. -I bet.

We're doing these, um, oiled up slap fights in the bar.

-Oiled up slap fights? -Yeah.

We're oiling girls, and they're slapping each other.

Oh, you're oiling girls up?

Yeah, so I could oil you,

-or you could oil yourself. -Did you come here

to ask me if I want to get oiled by you?

-Uh... ye- -Are you stalking me again?

Stalking?

Whoa. Since when did I ever stalk you?

No, that's not my thing.

-Flirting, maybe, but... -Okay.

Hey, look, you don't have to do it,

but I will say that the winner of the thing

is gonna get a free truck.

But I-I suppose you like this car better, you know?

[scoffs]

You're giving away a truck?

A Cybertruck.

-Oh. -[Dee] Little did he know

that she wasn't just driving that crappy car,

she was living in it.

? ?

The allure of the Cybertruck and a lifetime

of petty miseries suffered by this woman

rendered her unstoppable.

Yeah, okay!

Who's next?

Um, hey.

I got an idea, all right?

What if you and I get a little side pot going?

Right? You and me.

We tone down on the slaps, we call it a tie,

and that way we can share the Cyber-

[yells]

[spectators groaning]

[slowed down shouting]

[slowed down, distorted] Yeah!

I was sucker punched.

-[scoffs] No. -[Charlie] No. -Mm-mm.

-In your dreams. -Yeah, no. You were looking right at her.

She slapped the shit out of me, but I wasn't ready.

It was uncalled for, and it wasn't fair.

To make matters worse, Frank reversed course

and refused to make her whole.

What do you mean, I don't get the truck?

It's all in the terms and conditions.

-What? -Look, "Cybertruck not included."

Can you read? Can you read?

Oh, my God!

-What? -Oh, my God! Screw you!

-Screw you guys so hard! -It's plain in writing.

Oh, I'm taking this public.

-Don't you dare. -[Dee] Needless to say,

she was pissed, and she promised to go public, and let's face it,

we didn't have permits for any of this.

Which led to the panic and dumping of assets

to erase the trail of corporate culture

and create plausible deniability.

-I'm gonna call the newspaper... -No, no, no, no.

So, as the crow flies here, I think we can all see

from a bird's-eye view that had Charlie

not invited The Waitress, none of this would have happened,

so Charlie should take the fall.

And I would say "all due respect,"

but I don't respect you.

It's true, Charlie,

we may have reached our inflection point.

Okay, great, yeah. That's all good, yeah.

And I-I'm hearing you guys, you know, ear-wise,

and, um, you know, mouth-wise,

uh, you're giving me various wordables

that are adding up to thoughts.

This is good. I see how you're

trying to clip my wings so that I can fly.

That's not how birds work. That makes them un-fly.

Okay, I did not know that you were the bird expert.

But I would like to pivot here, uh, you know,

before I fall on the sword,

and say that I was also using my eyeballs

this entire time for various observables.

Because I realized... [clears throat]

...that, uh, Frank was, uh,

you know, growing in hardness

as the eroticism in the bar was increasing.

And, uh, he was becoming as hard

as a Cybertruck himself, you know, which you can see.

Cheese, of course, is also on this graph.

-Just keep going. -Uh, moving past. Uh, well,

the main thing here is that I think we now have

our open sliced lamb,

you know, uh, open commando person.

-What? -What are you saying?

I'm saying it should be Frank, man,

because he was throwing an orgy in the basement the entire time.

-What? -[Charlie] Yes. I realized

Frank was trying to capitalize on the erotic environment

and pivot into a more orgasmic business model.

Right? And I noticed, uh, various unsavory investors,

uh, were paying Frank to try to get in on the ground floor.

Dear Goddamn, you are not good at this.

I'm trying to say dudes were paying Frank

to go into the basement.

-Mm-hmm. -Right.

And he was failing in his efforts

to poach talent from the slapping pool.

Ooh, I like those straps.

You know, I can't wait to see it off.

Let's go downstairs-

And I knew this 'cause chicks were slapping him constantly.

But then, I saw him

trying to headhunt for new key players in this thing.

Yo, baby! I need a prostitute.

[Charlie] But he was running up against some logistical hurdles.

Well, when's she coming back from The Bahamas?

[Charlie] So, the slap fighting and the basement full of men,

the whole thing was just a big red flag,

he had a target on his back and whatnot.

So when The Waitress got all pissed off

she wasn't gonna get a Cybertruck,

and the police were potentially

gonna get involved, Frank panicked.

He was worried about the orgy,

which led to the dumping into the Schuylkills and whatnot.

And so that is why

he is the person that-that should take this fall.

Um, also, there's still a bunch of dudes in the basement.

-What? Right now? -What?

Yeah, there's, like, guys down there now, right?

-What, how many are down there? -Dude. -No.

-11. -11 dudes in the basement.

No, but the reporter could see all this.

Yeah, one could come up. It could be an issue for us.

-Oh, shit. -We gotta figure out what we're gonna do

-and get her out of here. -Well, I-I agree with Charlie.

I think Frank should take the fall for the whole thing.

Well, that's insane.

You drove the Cybertruck into the river.

Well, I didn't know.

I thought it was an aquatic vehicle.

It's an environmental nightmare!

-It should be, but it's not. -If anything,

it looks like it goes into space.

Yeah, it should be, but it's not.

The liberal press is going to crucify us.

-[Charlie] Yes, yes. -I gotta come clean.

I think the truck is ugly.

Goddamn it, I knew you were gonna say that.

[stammers] I knew she was gonna say that!

This claw will-

-I call bullshit on that! -Okay.

All right, all right, enough, enough.

I've had enough with the charts and the maps

and the graphs.

It's clear you're all good foot soldiers.

Loyal servants and whatnot.

But it's time we connect the Legos here

and boil down to our core values.

Yes, hammer down on our brand identity

and come out open commando.

-I said the commando thing. -Yeah, Charlie already said that.

I thought it was, it sounded cool,

and I wanted to circle back to it.

Oh, if you're doing it because it's cool-

Okay, I got a plan, and this is it.

Okay, here we go. Uh, ma'am?

We are finally ready to make our statement.

[Dee] Yeah. Yeah.

[sighs] Ah...

No comment.

[Frank] That said,

we are no longer gonna drink,

serve or have anything to do that represents water.

-Yeah. Right. -Water is not the cornerstone

-of our company. -Mm-mm.

And we will hereby, uh,

be getting rid of the watercooler.

-Mm-hmm. -Gone. -Gone.

Excuse me? I-I'm not sure what you're talking about.

Sorry, we got on talking like this

when we started over-hydrating.

Yeah, we watched a couple YouTube clips

about a corporate retreat, got some water,

-got hydrated and... -So we're not gonna talk about that subject

-anymore, anymore. -No more water. -Yeah, "no comment"

-is the main thing, right? -No comment. -What I said in the beginning.

-Yeah, and no water. -[woman] I'm sorry,

do you think I'm a reporter?

Yeah.

No. I'm here for the orgy.

Oh.

Oh, good- great.

Great. Oh! Hey, guys!

The whore's here!

[cheering]

I was waiting for you.

-[Charlie] I told you guys, man. -That's one, that's one woman.

-Yeah. -Yeah, that's not an orgy.

That's a...

-No. -That's a gang bang.

-[Dee] No, no. -It's a gang bang, yeah.

We really should find a way to exit Frank.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

[man chanting backwards]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0