All language subtitles for too.much.s01e03.1080p.web.h264-successfulcrab

♪ Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi ♪

♪ It's the wild saveloy ♪

♪ Oi, oi, oi, oi,
oi, oi, saveloy ♪

♪ Yummy, yummy, yummy
Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy ♪

♪ Yum, yum, yum, yum,
yum, yum, yummy ♪

♪ I feel sorry for
the common man ♪

♪ And the world ♪

♪ I feel sorry for
the common man ♪

How did
your gig go on Friday?

Yeah, uh,
very good, thank you.

We're having a nice
time here, uh, in Mid...

West South Fest, and we're supp...
here to promote the, uh, single,

"Extraterrestrial Lady Parts."

Um, we are a band called Fast
Ghost, based out of, uh, London.

And public service announcement,

I lost my passport
yesterday or the day before,

so please, if you see
Felix Remen's passport,

please can you send it to...

uh... base camp.

And I will find it, and I will
thank you... reward you...

Thank you.

Oh God, help us. Did
not know you were there.

Can we, uh... Can
we chat a moment?

Wow, that's never
good.

Listen, Jessica...

-I like you. Uh...
-Thank you.

You're... You're perfectly
adequate to have around.

But I brought you to London

because I'd heard that you
always got the job done.

Now, honestly, since you've arrived, you
seem to have been at loose ends. Hmm?

-I don't...
-Ah, hush.

James Wenlich-Rice
starts prep in two weeks.

This is a man who's
won an Academy Award.

Of course, for Bird in a Pipe, a
searing exploration of sex workers.

Yeah. I haven't seen it, but I need you
to be fully present and accounted for.

Because he's an incredibly
complex director to handle.

Yeah, I'm so
excited to meet him.

I feel like moving across the ocean
is a little bit intense sometimes.

-But I feel like I'm adjusting.
-Fabulous.

Uh, Josie has a list of ten
behaviors to avoid from here on out.

Look at me.

Now, some of them are
cultural, some are personal,

but all of them will benefit you
in life wherever you go after here.

Mm, thanks.

Okay. Um... You've been
eating quite smelly lunches.

Including a very few antisocial
flavor of crisps, such as prawn.

You played a few voice
memos from your mum out loud,

and she's not possessed
of the gentlest tone.

Like, that one actually is kind of true,
so maybe just keep playing that quiet.

You say, "I have to pee," which forces
us to visualize what you're doing there,

instead of saying, "I'll
just pop to the loo."

When you change your shoes,

just maybe do it before
you get into the office,

because Jonno's really
sensitive to smell,

and he says that your feet smell bad,
and I feel awkward saying that to you.

-You don't know they're mine.
-We don't.

'Cause I feel like other people
do change their shoes as well.

♪ No limitations ♪

♪ Stay while this day unfolds ♪

-What are you looking at?
-I love it.

♪ Complications Your
life is bathed in... ♪

You're getting bored
of it?

♪ Lookin' at... see
our reflection ♪

♪ Can't remember the next line ♪

Can you do like a
little trilly, like a...

I feel like we should get
you in on the backing.

-Yeah!
-That's amazin'.

-That drumming was amazing.
-Yeah, nice.

You're getting tighter every
day, man. Tighter every day.

So, how long are you saying
we should hold it for now?

Does it feel like the
right length to you?

-One, two, three.
-Three.

♪ Are you for real? ♪

-So, Felix Ramen.
-Remen.

Remen, sorry. Are
you looking for work?

Yeah. Uh, yeah, but, um,
like I was saying, like,

the main thing I've been doing is trying
to write songs and stuff at the moment.

Is that paying work?

No, so I have been paid to make
music, just not to make my own music.

But, like, it will
become paying work.

It's just the problem is if I'm spending
all my time trying to find other work,

then I don't have the
time to make that work.

Like, my main work.

So I have applied for
lots of different jobs.

It's just, I don't
know, when your CV says

session guitarist in a bunch of
punk, trash-punk, whatever bands,

they're not jumping to make you

the manager of a pasta
restaurant, you know?

I'm not trying to be a brat about it.
It's just taken me a while to get to...

Like, I don't do drugs anymore.

I don't drink. I'm a normal...

It's just, like, for
a couple of months.

You know...

I'm actually a bit
of a muso myself.

I have a band here, the
Job Centre Jug Jammers.

Oh cool. Well, so...

Is that, like... you
play the jugs, or...

It's a rhythm and
blues, '90s style.

Um, we just call it that
'cause of the multiple Js.

'Cause of, um, Janet
and John and, uh, Jimmy.

-Right.
-Uh...

I'm Mike, but...
it doesn't matter.

Well, do you want to play
me some of your tracks?

I'll let you know if they have promise.

Dear Wendy Jones.

Do you ever have trouble being
present where you actually are?

Like, do you ever find yourself, say,
having dinner with my ex-boyfriend

while you're thinking
about your ex-boyfriend?

Or are you, like,
studying Buddhism

in addition to everything
else you got going on?

Okay, we have a lighting
budget, bitch.

I can't believe you can spend
all that time on numbers.

I can't count beyond ten.
It makes my head hurt.

You can.
You just don't want to.

Do you want to?

No, but I want to have a job,

and I do what I have to
do in order to have a job.

I mean, isn't adulthood
just a series of things

that we don't want
to do but we have to?

No, I think it's like,

trying to make sure you can do the
things that you actually do want to do.

Is this the job
you always wanted?

What kind of question is that?

Literally just a question
because I'm curious about you.

Oh.

Well, yeah, I mean, it's similar
to what I really wanted to do.

What about you? Have you
always wanted to be a musician?

Uh, not really.

I mean, I'm not saying I became
a musician out of revenge, but...

I think I got my first
guitar when I was 15.

I was trying to impress
Angelica Proctor.

She took my virginity in her
mum's bed at a house party.

Then she dumped me for some guy

that she met at the Stone
Circle at Glastonbury.

Well, was she impressed?

She did actually come to
a gig like ten years later

and tried to shag me, so...

-"Tried"?
-As in...

Yeah, very much successfully
managed to shag me, um, yeah.

-I have a question. Um...
-Hmm?

Do you know how Americans are
really horny for the British accent?

Like, everything you say
sounds really sexy and chic.

Does it go both ways? Like...

Do you guys think that our
accents are, like, really cute?

Um...

-I find your accent cute.
-So, no.

I, um... I can't
stay up late tonight.

I have a meeting at 8:30.

-What, like a dinner meeting?
-No, like a breakfast meeting.

-Like, in the morning, before breakfast.
-What, a.m.?

-Yeah.
-Gross.

Anyways, we've been staying up really
late, and it's been really lovely,

but my boss had to talk
to me today, and it was...

Uh-oh, did you get a bollocking?

Uh, I would never
let my boss fuck me.

Especially in the ass.

-What is wrong with you?
-What the fuck?

A bollocking.
Like, did he tell you off?

Did he have a word with you?
Like, "I gave him a bollocking."

I've never heard that.
Are you making that up?

No, that's like an English
phrase. That's like an idiom.

You're literally
lying.

Google it. It doesn't mean
fucking someone in the arse.

I got scared that you
thought I cheated on you.

I would never do
that to my fiancé.

I really need to be on my A game,
so tonight you can't keep me awake.

I think you're the one
who's been keeping me awake.

Here. Let me help you with that.

-You're deleting.
-Sorry.

-You're adding and deleting.
-Sorry.

You're not even
gonna eat your pho?

-Pho sure. I'm gonna eat it.
-Oh my God.

Okay, let's
have a do-over.

You can't eat this cold. It
won't be divine that way.

You know, you can be a little
genius with your spreadsheet,

but I've noticed that you're not
always that kind to yourself.

What do you mean?

Well, like eating your pho
freezing cold, for example.

Or washing your face

with those really rough
towels that you've got.

Or sleeping with the
curtains wide open.

If I don't sleep with curtains
open, how will I know it's morning?

If I don't know it's
morning, I'll keep sleeping.

And I might as well be asleep for
forever. I might as well be dead.

I'll tell you when it's
morning. I can be the curtains.

♪ Cancelled a hot hipster threesome ♪

♪ For you ♪

♪ 'Cause I preach a freedom... ♪

Sorry.

♪ A fucking great excuse ♪

♪ Plus, I'd rather get naked ♪

♪ And swim in your
blow-up pool... ♪

Wait. Where you going?

-Don't you want to go on the floor?
-Yeah, let's do it.

♪ And question your tattoos... ♪

-Is that enough room? Yeah?
-Yeah.

♪ When he goes down on me ♪

♪ Gold-skinned, eager baby
Blue shirt out the laundry... ♪

-There's so many layers.
-It's a little dress, but so there's much.

-I'm going to avoid the tender bit.
-Thank you.

♪ So I think he wants
to be gentle With me ♪

I actually can't believe
that you've never watched Paddington.

I've watched it like 20 times.

What?
It's a kids' movie.

My nephew doesn't like kids' movies.
His favorite is The English Patient.

Shh. Watch this bit. This
bit's really important.

It's actually where they
set the whole story up.

I know all the details
seem really random now,

but they come back later, so
you have to concentrate, okay?

Hmm.

-Uncle Pastuzo!
-Oh God, I fucking hate this bit.

Are you scared?

Yeah, 'cause
I know what's coming.

But they find Uncle
Pastuzo, right?

-Uncle Pastuzo!
-No.

That's the problem. They don't find
the... They literally never find him.

That is really sad. Why would
they do that in a kids' movie?

The graphics actually
hold up really well.

-Don't you think?
-Mm-hmm.

This bit is ridiculous.

-It's so real.
-Mm-hmm.

Oh yeah. This
is the bit, actually.

This is the worst bit.

He looks so little in his boat.

Yes!

Yes, oh my God. We're
getting married!

You need to brace yourself.

It doesn't get funny,
like, for quite a while.

Yeah, I love this movie.
It's so good. It's making me cry.

He's all like... He's, like,
lookin' at us. Like, oh God.

-It's so sad.
-He's lost his fucking uncle.

He doesn't know if he's
gonna see her again.

He's, like, so cute, and
he's, like...

"It's not the
destination that matters."

"It's the change of
scene." Brian Eno.

Let's change
scenes together forever.

"It's not the destination
that matters, it's the change of..."

Let's change
scenes together forever.

"It's not the
destination that matters."

"It's not the destination
that matters." Brian Eno.

Let's change scenes.

"It's not the destination that
matters. It's the change of scene."

You
must find a new home.

-In London.
-But... but I don't know anyone there.

What if they don't
even like bears?

You know...

Is your heart made of fucking
stone? What... What...?

She's just put a fucking tag
around his neck that's like...

That says, "Please
look after this bear."

Oh my God, I know
it's really sad.

She doesn't know what's
gonna happen to him.

She's like... Oh, now there's
a fucking hat on his head.

But I'm worried that now, when
we get to the end of the film,

you're not gonna have
the ammo to, like...

-No, I... I was almost crying too.
-Enjoy it.

Soon as you started crying. I was
like, "One of us has to be strong."

Yeah, basically, 'cause he's got so
much marmalade, that's a signal for us.

That's like, "Okay. Cheer
up, guys. Marmalade time."

It's gonna be okay. He's
gonna have a... sandwich.

I can't believe
you did that. That's crazy.

You can't tell me movie
trivia during sex.

Do you want me to quote
the whole of The Matrix?

-No.
-I can quote the whole film off by heart.

Please don't do that.

Where are you going?

Well, I have to go to the bathroom
'cause I'm not about that UTI life.

Is that why you're
walking like that?

You know this walk.
It's a female classic.

Yeah, I've
seen it before.

I just wanted to hear you say it out loud,
that you're basically smuggling cum now.

That you're a cum smuggler.

Mm.

Have you got a permit?

Hey, baby?

Would you still love me if I was a worm?

-Um, what's the context?
-Hey!

Well, I mean, when I meet
you, are you actually a worm,

or is this some sort of
Kafkaesque transformation?

Like, I become a worm.

Like, bam, you wake up, I'm
next to you, I'm a worm.

Um...

I'd miss you. I'd mourn you.

I'd be in recovery my
whole life from losing you.

I'd keep you in a little terrarium
and feed you the best worm food.

Mm.

But I don't think our relationship
would remain romantic.

That's a good answer.

Baby, would you still
love me if I were a worm?

I refuse to
be party to this trend.

Think about it. Some kid in
Arkansas makes a video, and what?

We're all supposed to
emulate it in our spare time?

Sounds pretty
nonsensical, doesn't it?

Would you still love
me if I was a worm?

Would you still love me if I was a worm?
Would you still love me if I was a worm?

Wendy, some days my
mind just loops over and over

as I think about the
fact that if we hung out,

you probably would love me.

You'd be like, "Wow,
Jess. She's so real."

Instead, you've been fed some story that
makes me impossible to empathize with.

Just wait until we
show the boys this.

-There's boys coming over?
-Well, just at the high school dance.

-You want to try it?
-Wow, it's really chic and French.

Mm.

Whoo!

-Mm!
-Or maybe you feel sorry for me.

Like a girl who really did become a worm.

You're everything I
disdain in this world.

Wait, why?

Because.

Because I want to
hook up with you.

Can... can I hook up with you?

I mean, you can do
whatever you want.

You have the power.

But what if I want
you to own me?

Um, I wasn't having
a bathroom problem.

I was texting my mom,
just so you know.

Well, I didn't think you were
having a bathroom problem.

Are you okay?

Uh, yeah. I'm just
having a cigarette.

Come here.

Come here.

I really
have to go to sleep.

-Okay.
-Okay.

-I'm not stopping you.
-Okay.

...my style.
I'm not for everybody...

Now, this is relaxing.

So you're staring at your phone
all the way through Paddington.

And then now this,

a show about people getting their
dreams shattered by Alan Carr,

is somehow chilling you out?

I mean, yeah. I feel like

you have to watch people whose
lives are worse than yours to relax.

If I really wanted to conk out, if
I wanted to fall asleep right away,

I'd watch Dateline.

We'd be watching an unsolved murder
about a respected female pastor.

Right.

I feel like that really puts
yourself in perspective.

I mean, she's really not coming
back from that, and it's really sad.

And it's also like, it's sad, and
it's... Ugh, I hate watching it. It's...

I hate that that happened to
her. I'm falling asleep.

Okay, so...

- Murder - Mm-hmm.

Murder is relaxing for you.

But, like, a sweet film about a bear...
What? It's giving you a panic attack?

Like, what?

It makes me feel like...
I can't relate as much.

I'm not... I'm not
the bear, you know?

Like, the bear found his
family, found his people...

And look at me. I didn't.

But there is a bit of Paddington
about you too, don't you think?

What do you mean?

Like, I don't know.

The way you've come over from America
with a little tag around your neck

that says, "Please
look after this girl."

Like, I don't heat
everyone's noodles up.

And for some reason, I'm
genuinely worried about

the amount of time you're
spending on your phone and stuff.

I don't know. There's something about you
that makes me want to take care of you.

Well, anyways, you like me
now, but what if I gold-pants you?

What if you what?

-What?
-What if I gold-pants you?

That's what we used
to call it in college.

Where you'd be really horny for
someone and then suddenly repulsed.

Like, my friend Jeanette
used to date this guy

who was really sexy
and cool and mature.

And then one day he came
to pick her up for a date,

and he was wearing gold pants.

Oh.

-Have you ever been gold-pantsed?
-Mm...

I mean, there is one girl who,

basically, we'd just have sex every
year on my birthday for like nine years.

Wow. That's commitment.

And then one year, I woke up
in her bed the morning after,

and she was eating the
leftover Chinese food

that we'd had the night before.

M'kay, so no food
in bed, I guess.

No, I eat in bed all the time.
I literally eat my meals in bed.

But it was something
more about, like,

her eyes were just
sort of really vacant.

Like she wasn't even enjoying it 'cause
that would almost be hot in a way.

But there was just this
look that she had of...

I guess desperation or like a need
that would never be fulfilled.

And there was something
about it that just really...

I don't know. I
guess it scared me.

Does that count? Is that
gold-pants material?

Yeah, you got the ick.

How long have you been sober?

Um, like two and a half weeks.

It's actually been like...
No, I'm actually doing really well.

I couldn't tell.

-I've done like nearly three years.
-Okay.

Of like sober sober
'cause I stopped...

I obviously had to stop the harder
stuff a bit before the booze, but...

Like, I'm not a
member of a program,

but I do have one of those
silly counter apps on my phone.

-What was, like, your rock bottom?
-Oh man.

Like, there was one
time when, uh...

I went on a bender and
had sex with my sister.

...'s friend. My
sister's friend.

Oh my God.

-That's psychotic.
-Yeah.

You scared me so bad. I was
sitting here thinking, like,

"I guess we could talk through
it. People make mistakes."

It was just, like, a really messy night.
We'd known each other since we were ten.

We were never really that
into each other, but...

I woke up and, like, was
completely out of it.

I think she must have
been on her period

'cause it looked like I'd
murdered her, and I'd shat myself.

She had a mirrored
ceiling for some reason.

-So I could see the whole thing.
-Oh my God.

And, like, the weird thing is, like,
that wasn't even enough to stop me.

In the end, I think it was
just like, I don't know,

trying to be a
musician or whatever.

And like, if you're fucked the whole
time, you can't write music, can you?

Or you can, but it would
be fucking shit, so...

And then when I stopped using,

I started to remember all
this stuff from my past.

Like what?

Oh, you know. Just like...

boring... stuff.

Hello, Mother.

I mean, honestly, I could
take out a restraining order

against her at this point.

I mean, if you're
talking that much,

she's not really giving
you a chance, is she?

I think with British families,
it's more like birds.

They boot you out the nest the second
you don't need your worms chewing.

Well, Jewish
women are like clothespins.

It hurts when they
attach themselves to you.

Nice.

What about your dad?

-Well, he died. Yeah, he's dead.
-Oh.

-For real?
-Mm-hmm.

Sorry.

Why?
Did ya kill him?

-Seriously, what was he like?
-Um...

Well, he had Parkinson's
disease, like

a really aggressive form called
multiple systems atrophy.

It's like if Parkinson's and Lou
Gehrig's disease had an evil baby.

Um... he could barely talk.

And he would just sit in his easy chair
all day and, like, watch old Westerns.

Just Butch Cassidy over
and over and over again.

Yeah, but when I was younger,

oh my God, there's no
one I'd rather see.

I'd be, like, stuck at an awful
playdate, and then he'd walk in.

Thank God.

Hey, doll.

All right, okay. You wanna go?

You got your stuff?

Let's blow this popsicle stand.

This is, uh... I
think it's a dog.

You could
make it a unicorn.

-A dog unicorn?
-Yeah.

A dog unicorn, okay.

He had these, like,
really delicate hands.

-He was really good at making things.
-I see.

I loved watching
him play with clay.

Or roll a joint when he had
friends over on Sunday for tennis.

Hey, hey, hey.

Go back to bed, honey. Go on.

Go on.

He told us that everyone
should be able to drive a car,

roll a joint, and
soft-boil an egg.

At the same time?

I can't do any of those things.
He'd probably be fucking mortified.

-You can do maths, though.
-Mm.

Maths.

Tell me about your parents.

Do you think Astrid
can see colors?

Or do you think for dogs it's
like the smells are the colors?

Hang on.
Hang on.

Okay.

Um, hang on.

No, no. No, wait a sec.

Oh no.

-Mm.
-Mm-hmm.

Ah, fuck it.

Fuck it. Fuck.

Oh, fuck. Sorry.

-One more?
-Okay.

-No, fuck.
-Okay.

-I gotta bail. Sorry. White flag.
-Um...

I'm all outta cum.

Are you... Is everything okay?
Like, you were yelling and...

-Yeah, no, sorry. I thought I'd...
-Just didn't cum?

...go for gold, but I guess
I'm in my thirties now.

I get it.

It's nothing that I
did sexually, right?

Like, I didn't make you feel uncomfortable
or do something that you didn't like

or maybe I did something you liked a
lot but didn't do it for that long.

I was trying to do sex
stuff with the toothbrush.

Don't know if that
was coming across.

If you could see me in the
mirror doing a lot of, like,

"Oh no! Is she gonna
put it all the way in?"

You're sexy. You know you're sexy. What,
are you fishing for compliments now?

-No.
-I love your body.

I love everything about your
body. I love how you fuck.

Also, actually, one specific thing
I've been meaning to tell you.

You always have sex hair,
which is really hot.

-Okay. Enough.
-Drives me crazy.

I thought I wanted the compliments.
I... I don't know if I want any more.

It's like I want the affirmation,
but also, I'm like, "Yeah, I know."

I've always actually felt really
hot, except for when I haven't.

Okay. So...

-You know?
-When have you not felt hot?

I think every woman's been
told that she's, like, not a model.

Even models are told that.

I feel embarrassed that
I even said anything,

so let's just forget it and just agree
that we're both attracted to each other.

I feel, like, insane
for even bringing it up.

Yeah, I mean, if I could paint, I
would paint the shit out of you,

for what it's worth.

I'd paint your tits and your
arse and your cute little mouth.

-'Cause it looks like a rose.
-Really?

Yeah, I'd paint it all day.

You're really hot,
you know that?

Mm, thanks.

I'm not that invested
in being hot, but...

Maybe you can, like, say
some nice things about me.

-Seriously?
-Yeah, I think I deserve it.

M'kay.

Um, I like that, um...
that you're gentle,

but also really naughty.

Mm-hmm.

And I like that you're logical,
but, like, in a really wild way.

And I like that, um, you know,
usually I would go to sleep

to try to pass the time quicker.

But with you, I want
to stretch it all out.

Okay, so when I press play,
you have to get to kissin',

and you can't stop
until the song's over.

-You'll be good 'cause you're a musician.
-Okay. And how long is the song?

Never you mind.
It doesn't matter.

-You're gonna be good at it.
-M'kay.

You have to, like, kind of kiss
to the, um, music, you know?

-Okay, you ready?
-Mm-hmm.

Now, when I press play,
you've got to get to kissin'.

And you can't stop
until the song is done.

-How long is the song?
-Oh, never you mind.

Sometimes, Wendy, life demands
that you just show up and shut up.

Even if it's just for the
length of a Funkadelic song.

What are you seeing?

-Like, right now?
-Yeah, like, in your mind.

Um, like, outer space.

Which is so weird

'cause I don't really
care about outer space.

What about you?

Like, I'm hiding in a bush.

And I can hear
the enemy troops approaching.

But I've
found a safe spot.

I'm not gonna get caught.

Really?

Oh, sorry.

♪ Why don't you go back ♪

♪ To fallin' apart? ♪

♪ You were so good at that ♪

♪ You're one in a million now ♪

♪ You don't wanna
take the time ♪

♪ You just need to
seem all right ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Why don't you go back ♪

♪ To fallin' apart? ♪

♪ You were so good at that ♪

♪ You're one in a million now ♪

♪ You don't wanna
take the time ♪

♪ You just gotta be all right ♪

♪ Ah ♪