Original subtitles

There are menaces to your privacy running around loose today.

They're perfectly legal, and they're allowed to carry guns.

They're called private investigators, and some people think they should be

outlawed, all right?

With us today are a couple of slime buckets who say different.

Their names are Rick and A .J. Simon, and they just happen to be P .I .s

themselves, all right?

P .I. as in privacy invading, prerogative intruding, perpetually

and positively irritating, right?

Private investigators.

A mere threat to your freedom or a menace to society? We'll find out. Stay

us.

We're gonna clear up.

Put on a happy face.

Brush off the clouds and cheer up.

Put on a happy face.

Tired of the same old talk show bull?

Ain't gonna get it from me, Jack.

Off Your Chest with Malcolm Stanley III.

Honey, it's not that bad.

You should have seen him go after a transsexual marriage counselor. Now that

brutal. You could have warned me what we were getting into.

You didn't ask.

I didn't realize you were such a fan.

Come to think of it, Rick seemed to know what it was all about.

Rick asked.

And for your information, honey, I'm hardly a fan.

More like a student of bizarre cultural phenomena.

Well, I think that we're really a... We're a time -honored profession,

investigators.

We provide a service for people... Wait, wait. Button in a minute. Let me get

something straight.

So you call it a service to go poking around in people's closets, digging up

dirty linen, and ruining people's reputations, huh?

Listen, it's bad enough that there's hardly any privacy anymore. I mean, what

with computers checking up on everything and everybody.

I mean, the last thing we need is a couple of loose cannon vigilantes

around making the problem worse, right?

They feed that audience raw meat, you know.

Lots of perfectly normal people find this show fascinating.

Sally's very popular.

He's syndicated in half the country now. Wonderful. That means I've been a

laughingstock in New York for three hours already.

No, I don't think he's made it to New York yet.

He's probably too aggressive for him.

And let me tell you something else, Jack.

When you said a thing about being a time -honored profession, I know of another

time -honored profession that isn't legal. And believe me, I'd rather be

here. I'd rather be sitting here with a lady who knows what service industry

really means.

Instead of a couple of money -grubbing slimes like you.

Positively irritating, right?

You make other people's lives a living hell, and nobody can fight back, all

right? You take away a person's right to confront their accuser, because you can

go crawling into their bedrooms and trash cans in the dead of night and

interpret what you find there.

What does that mean? You're trying to tell us that you scumbags decide who's

honest? I mean, you know the difference between who's innocent and who's guilty,

and you're the judge, jury, and executioner, right?

Hey, don't give me that look. I said executioner. Hi, everybody.

Hold on. Grab your totes. I'm going to take us out to Chez Pierre's. We're

to celebrate.

Celebrate what, Rick? The show isn't over yet. Chez Pierre's in the

Yeah. Chez $20 for a shrimp cocktail, Pierre's? That's the one.

Obviously, the trauma of being screamed at on quasi -national television has

deranged him.

No, actually, I've never felt better.

Even a man who is set for life, or the next 50 years, whichever comes first.

I just want a million dollars.

Insert enthusiastic familial response here.

Guys, I just won the national subscriber sweepstakes.

Don't tell me.

Well, let me guess.

You got a big envelope in the mail with your name printed on it in huge letters.

Yeah.

Oh, Rick.

How gullible can you be? Nobody ever wins those things. You read the fine

you find out you gotta drive all the way to Pacoima to listen to a five -hour

sales pitch.

And then, if you're lucky, maybe, maybe they'll give you a toaster.

What's that?

That is a deposit receipt for $20 ,000.

That's right. Your poor gullible brother is going to get $20 ,000 a year for the

next 50 years. You see, all this stuff came down a few days ago.

But knowing the crap I would get from you, I figured I'd wait until the check

cleared.

Oh, honey, that's wonderful.

I kind of thought so.

Want to get your coat now?

On second thought, Mom and I will just enjoy ourselves. You sit back down here

and enjoy watching yourself be made an ass out of.

So cut the bull, Blondie, or I'll take one of your lock -picking tools and jam

it where the sun don't shine.

I was going to round -pilot, but I thought you'd want to see it.

Just another crazy scum sucker. Don't give me that, Malcolm. This has to be

somebody you know.

I'm calling the police.

No. No cops.

Listen, nobody's going to come in here, get in my face, and tell me how to run

my show.

You want somebody to find this guy, get a private detective.

Malcolm, I don't think that we... Don't think. Just call, all right?

All right.

It was great talking to you, too.

Ah, yeah, that sounds great.

I'd love to see the yacht, you bet. Yeah, sure.

That big, huh? That's great.

Yeah, look, well, you give my best to Evelyn, and I'll... Madeline. Madeline,

sorry. And I'll be talking to you later.

Right. Bye.

I'm going to take this away from you again.

I had to talk to one more Neanderthal that I went to high school with and saw

on that damn talk show, and it just has to call to tell me how well he's doing.

That's seven lawyers, two dentists, and a stockbroker.

And they're all stunned that I'm just a P .I.

Ah, relax.

Got a millionaire for a brother now.

Ah, not much longer the way you keep spending it.

Excuse me, I'm looking for Mr. Richard Simon.

Well, you found him. Who's looking?

Abner Palmquist, Cutting Edge Marketing.

We run the sweepstakes promotion for National Describer Service. Nice to meet

you.

I'm terribly sorry to trouble you, Mr. Simon, but I'm afraid that...

How shall I put this?

There seems to have been a computer error.

Just lie down. Relax.

God,

what a weird dream.

There was this little guy who said he was from the sweepstakes and that he had

just come by to tell me that my winning a million dollars was all a mistake.

And get this, he said that the real winner was this guy Richard Simons, you

know, with an S on the end of it from La Jolla, and that his post office box

number was real close to mine.

That's him. Oh, I'm glad to see you're feeling better, Mr. Simon. Well, that

just didn't feel the heart to tell you.

Mr. Simon, I realize what a disappointment this must be to you,

to return the money.

What, are you nuts?

You can't hold me responsible for your mistake. There are laws.

True. And that is why we are not going to press fraud charges against you on

Simons' behalf.

And just to show that there are no hard feelings... No hard feelings.

My company has authorized me to award you this consolation prize, shall we

Oh, look, Rick.

A toaster.

I don't like toast.

This isn't just any toaster.

This is a Unibake 2000, the latest in bread browning technology.

Now, look, it even has a timer function here. You can set it so that you can

wake up to toast any way you like it. If you're out. Yeah. Yes, I'll be happy

to. As soon as we settle the small matter of the money that you owe us.

I'm going to toast your face.

I think you better leave now, Mr. Palmquist. Very well, very well.

You'll be hearing from our attorney. I can get all your body parts in here one

at a time.

You get anybody yet?

Uh, yes, sir.

Yes, sir, I'll certainly mention it to him, sir, but I don't think he's

anatomically capable of that.

I've been doing this for two hours now.

Obviously. You're doing something wrong.

We'll take it.

Ah!

Ah! Do you know your mind?

Don't you remember that he called us?

Well, frankly, A .J., my memory gets a little dim after swine and vermin.

You heard the lawyers.

Even if I win, legal fees alone could run me 20 grand easily.

I'll take any case I have to.

If this Palmquist wants a fight, he's gonna get one. Anything I can do to get

rid of that guy.

Why don't you just force -feed him some of that?

And I want a private office. I do appreciate it. For God's sake, Bertie,

right over the garage. I don't think that you met our director, Ed

How do you do? Brian Sadler, our research assistant.

Yes,

Mr. Shanley, you already know.

Did you show him the note? I did.

Okay, so what's the deal? You guys run a few names through the computer, make a

few phone calls, what?

Well, we generally begin by infringing on the law abiding citizens'

constitutionally guaranteed right of privacy.

Just like the communists, you know.

I never called you a commie, Jack. I said you ought to take your lousy KGB

tactics back to Russia where they belong.

I'm glad we got that straightened out.

All right, well, first thing, we need to know who you suspect.

I mean, is there anyone that you think might like to kill you? Present company

accepted, of course.

Show them. Our correspondents.

How much of that is hate mail?

That is the hate mail.

Death threats homosexual, death threats transsexual, death threats transvestite.

They all hate me because I can't tell them apart.

We got a dead rat in a shoebox from Bikers for God once, and the Vietnam

Anti -Discrimination Society said that they... A bunch of freeloading burnout

cases. But they don't write much. They can't stop the acid flashbacks long

enough to concentrate.

I'm sure we'll come up with some very likely candidates on our own. You will

find that we're very professional, aren't we, Rick?

You don't want to know what we get from the legalized prostitution people.

And the County Bar Association aren't exactly fans, either.

Gang of granola -crunching, brie -puking, yuppie con artists.

Professionalism, remember?

Right.

Okay, well, if you're so accustomed to this, how come you're so bothered by

note? Hey, listen, Jack. I'm not bothered, all right?

It's the hairy part.

I beg your pardon?

Harrison was Malcolm's real first name.

Ah. He legally changed it a long time ago. Now only family, close friends, a

of the staff would know that.

Look, I realize it's needle in the haystack time, but it's all we've got.

Now, beyond that... Brian can provide you with tapes of past shows, newspaper

clippings.

Oh, and there is one more thing I can give you.

Okay. This is wonderful.

Got a client who makes our flesh creep.

An envelope with a Coronado postmark.

I don't know, A .J., maybe we'd better just give him the retainer back.

I'm going to be up all night just trying to figure out where to start.

I'll set the timer on toast.

Thank what? Thank what?

How could he just disappear?

I mean, this place is a maze.

My first two weeks here, I couldn't even find the John. Why doesn't that

surprise me? Gotta be someone who knows his way around.

Yeah, you know, like somebody who works here.

Listen, Shanley.

You don't mind if I call you Shanley, do you? Seeing as how we're getting to be

such good friends.

You didn't by any chance recognize the guy, did you?

I didn't really get that good a look at him. All I know is he was black.

Well, all I can remember is the hair.

Looked like it was made out of yarn or something.

So who's trying to kill me, Raggedy Ann?

Dreadlocks. Say again?

Rastafarian Dreadlocks.

No, ma 'am, I'm not a disc jockey.

No, no, this isn't a crank call.

Could you just tell me, please, if you have any Rastafarians working in your

department?

No, I understand.

Thank you.

You think we ought to spend money on that? Huh?

I mean, you think we would have learned by now from what happened in Cuba.

That's just where they're going. Am I right?

I agree.

I agree. Look at the way they're dressed.

That's right. Send them back. That's right.

They should dress like we do, right?

If they can't be like us, why the hell don't they go back where they belong?

Right? Right, yeah.

Have some peanuts.

safe to assume that there are no known Rastafarians working at KKSD.

It's not like they have to register with the government.

So, somebody who knows the layout of the station is probably somebody who's been

on the show.

Or somebody who was in the audience once.

What can we hope to find here? Somebody who stands up and says, Hi, I'm a

hostile Rastafarian from Coronado?

I don't know, but it isn't in the African nationalist segment.

Slavery, myth, or legend?

Hand me that one.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, come on. Not so fast. Let's slow it down.

How many tapes did he give you anyway? I got some hot plans for 1999.

You're telling me... You're telling me that the southern economy was better off

under slavery, right?

And they ought to go back to that?

Ah, take a walk.

And you guys... You guys are...

You guys are telling us it's all about slavery, right? Did you ever meet any

slaves? Do you know what it was like down there in those conditions? You

that some family living in Harlem or the South Bronx that's been on general

welfare for three generations is better off than they were down south?

I mean, listen, Jack, face it. If you can't play basketball, you're probably

better off picking cotton. You know what I mean?

I'm sorry, AJ. I can't work for this guy anymore. I mean, by the time we catch

this sniper, I'm going to want to load his gun for him.

Simon and Simon Investigations.

No, this is AJ.

Uh, yes, he is.

It's pompous.

Abner, hi. How you doing?

Want your toaster back?

Well, gee, Ab, I'd love to be able to tell you when you can expect a check,

I just really don't know how fast hell's freezing over these days.

Maybe my lawyer could tell you.

A Mr.

Delghetti of Delghetti and Finallion, maybe you've heard of him.

Shiny black limo, shiny black hair, has a contracting business on the side.

Ab?

You were saying about gut?

We taped the show on Tuesday and it aired on a Wednesday.

Thank you, A .J. I'd almost totally wiped that out of my memory.

Well, let's see what's scheduled for the rest of the week.

Maybe somebody wanted him dead before he could publicly humiliate them.

There you go.

Reggae music, subversive influence, or tool of faith.

I'm looking for a black male, average height with hair...

Ah, well, never mind that.

Would you mind telling me where you all were last night, about 10 p .m.? Up in

that plane, man. Just got into our world. Ah.

Right, well, welcome to San Diego.

Rick? Oh, boy, am I glad to see you. What's up?

Come here.

We got another one.

Harry, sorry I missed you last night.

I hope you got my message. If not, I'll have to try you at home.

Cryptic, yet to the point.

Yeah, I like having a death breath.

Same paper, same envelope.

Same postmark? Mm -hmm. Oh, and this morning, one of the guards found this in

trash dumpster near Lot C.

Oh, listen, I think this Russ Baring thing is going to be a dead end.

But then I suspect you already know that.

I got another note.

Mr. Shanley, that...

That gas poses a clear and present danger. Hey, you want to talk about gas,

Jack? Yeah.

I'll tell you where the gas is coming from. Get this bum the hell out of here.

Coming

up next,

we've got a couple of whacked -out freakos who are trying to hide their

perversions behind the skirts of the First Amendment.

Are we going to let them get away with it?

You tell me!

Malcolm, nice touch. A bit with a coffee. Oh, yeah, that really went over

didn't it?

Hey, what about Saturday?

Hey, if Judy's making that pasta thing again, count me in, man. Catch you

Well, it's about time you two yutzes showed up.

Did you get the latest bulletin from the sleazebag? You know, that guy's really

starting to honk me off.

I'll bet you got a real high honk threshold, too.

Anyway, we wrap here around six, so what's the deal?

I mean, there's a little motel about six blocks from here.

If you're thinking of any kind of research into alternate lifestyles, you

count us out.

You make me want to puke, you know that?

All I'm saying is, wise guy, if this guy's going to come after me at home,

have to be five kinds of a pinhead to be sitting there waiting for him.

I think we can arrange accommodations.

Hey, nice place.

Yeah, well, it belongs to a friend.

She's going to be out of town for a few days.

Yeah, that figures.

It is a little heavy on the better homes and gardens.

I mean, I see you more as the type who dries his socks on the doorknob. What is

it with you, Shanley? You got some sort of a pathological thing against acting

like a human being?

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

There are no cameras here, Jack.

It's all right to be afraid.

Your situation is downright normal, and I promise I won't tell any of those

steroid cases to make up your fan club.

Okay, so I'm a little nervous, all right?

I do have feelings, you know. Tell it to the guy with the coffee on his pants.

Hey, look, Simon, nobody holds a gun to their heads to make them get out in

front of that camera. And they've all got some kind of axe to grind.

And that makes for good television.

So the bottom line is, if they've seen my show, they know what my act is all

about. So if you're talking about lambs going to the slaughter, Jack, they're

going in with their eyes wide open, understand?

Okay. Got enough groceries in there to keep you going for a couple of days.

If necessary.

You can relax.

No one's ever going to find you here.

Hi.

This who I think it is? Hi, Mom.

Hi, Mom.

Aw, now I am touched. You brought me home to mother.

Mom, you're supposed to be skiing in Vail, remember?

There was a blizzard and the airport was closed.

Now that I see who's here, I'm glad it was.

This is one of those protection things, isn't it?

Yeah.

I never missed your program.

Hey, you guys didn't tell me Mom was a fan.

Well, actually, what I said was I never missed your program.

Oh, right.

Was that a shot?

Well, I guess we can keep him in the office.

He stays here.

Okay,

then one of us stays here with him.

Why? What do you think I'm going to do to her?

Shanley, you're a moving target.

This is our mother.

This is not a classic combination, in my opinion.

All right.

Heads, you handle the stakeout.

Tails, you stay here and referee Mom versus Shanley.

Watch them in the clinches.

AJ, get some blankets and a pillow, and we'll fix up the couch.

Would you please sit down, Mr. Shanley?

I saw your show with that feminist.

Oh, geez, that broad. You can't shut her up. All the time going on about equal

pay, daycare, maternity leave, yada, yada, yada.

You know, you'd think God hadn't invented a kitchen to give a woman

do. That's right. She's... Hey, wait a minute.

Honestly, I think perhaps your show is a little dangerous.

I wonder if you're not spreading hatred, Mr. Shanley.

I let people vent.

I let them get things off their chest, you know?

I honestly think they're better off than before.

Well, I think it's more like picking a scab.

Maybe some things need to be left alone to heal.

Who is it?

Mrs. Simon, I'm babysitting for the Freeburgs across the street, and their

is out of order. May I use yours?

Mom! It's all right, A .J. It's just one of the babysitters from down the

street. Mom!

Mom!

Mom, you all right?

I'm telling you, it can't be the same guy.

This was a woman.

The way she moved, she seemed so strong.

It wasn't a woman.

It was a man in a dress.

Oh, God, a transsexual?

Transvestite. Whatever.

Well, it didn't show up.

I should have warned you about bringing up the women's rights thing where she's

got a mean left hook.

Our mystery man took another shot at Shanley, Mom.

No, I'm fine, thanks to A .J. and Mr.

Shanley. If Harry hadn't thrown that lamp, I'd hate to think of what would

happened.

Thanks.

Really.

I chased him for about four blocks.

I lost him in an alley where he had his car. I couldn't make the plates.

And we are now looking for a male transvestite Caucasian this time.

Oh, good.

Makes everything a lot simpler. Now all we have to do is find a black or white

transvestite Rastafarian with homicidal tendencies. I assume that you did a show

on those.

I think it's safe to assume that we are no longer looking for either a guest or

a viewer.

Okay, Harry, who on your staff wants to see you dead?

No way, that's impossible.

I'm too close to those people. I mean, hell, we're like family.

We drove around for over an hour. We would have lost anybody tailing us.

I'm sorry, Shani, but we're going to want a complete lift.

Of everybody that you come into contact with on a daily basis.

Okay, well, Karen Davidson you already met.

Then there's Ted, uh, Ed Malkovich.

And, uh, what's his name? The kid that does research.

Like family.

I don't know him that well, really, but, uh, professionally, frankly, the guy's

a royal pain.

Habits are filthy, and so is his mouth.

He's bugging me to put more color in his cheeks.

Like he's the expert?

Shanley?

Yeah, I guess he's okay if you're into that sort of thing.

Personally, I'd like to rip the guy's heart out and feed it to him.

Anything else you want to know?

No, I think that just about covers it.

This is narrowed down to roughly 45 suspects.

We'll just have to dig up as much on that background.

And, as much as I hate to suggest, we've got to look through the rest of these

tapes. What's that?

Some lawyer's office.

For 2 and 2, paragraph 8, subparagraph 5B of the sweepstakes

rules, yada, yada, yada, yada.

$20 ,000 by the close of business the 5th.

We will seek appropriate legal remedies, including repossession of one

Unibake 2000 bread browning instrument.

Well, at least we know your friend Palmquist is a man of his word.

Thank you very much.

That's interesting.

I think we got this guy on tape after all.

Now, all of these tapes were done last year. We just haven't been looking back

far enough, that's all.

The guy's obviously been disguising himself when he took a shot at Shanley.

There, in front of the audience, right there.

I've seen this guy in five different tapes now.

He's got a good eye for costume detail.

Brian Sadler. The researcher.

Yeah, that's what I was going to tell you.

He was only hired three months ago.

Before that, he worked in a post office.

Coronado.

Right on the first guess.

Hi.

Listen, Malcolm wants to talk to both of you during the break. Well, never mind

that right now, Karen. I've seen Brian.

Adler not since the staff meeting this morning. You guys are nothing but a

of degenerates. Yeah, listen, Vicious Pig, I'd watch who I was calling a

degenerate. Watch who you put your hands on, Jack, or I'll toss your butt the

hell out of you. Yeah, big man, big TV star.

Stop it!

He jeopardizes my show. Is that all you care about? It's all I've got.

Where did that catwalk go?

There's an empty studio next door.

Ready? Yeah. Let's go. I'm going with you. No, you're going to stay here.

watch your mouth, Jack. I'm paying you. I'm going to keep you alive.

You got nothing to say about it, Jack.

Drop it, Harry.

Who the hell are you? What do you want from me? An explanation.

You owe me at least that much.

I don't know what the hell you're talking about, Jack.

Your order, Harry.

I never saw you before. What, three, four months ago? Try eight.

Eight years.

Who's there?

How many closer?

Don't make me do this now.

Not yet.

You don't even recognize me, do you?

You don't remember me at all.

Remember Kyle Winters?

When I ran for city council?

Both times.

And your consumer newsletter and your radio show.

I worked on them all, Harry.

Oh, I was just one of your gophers, but I worked like a dog.

For once in my life, I cared about something. You taught me how to care

something.

Every cause that you stood up for, every liberal word that came out of your

mouth, I didn't know what to believe until I met you.

And then you turn around... Wait, just one damn minute, Jack. Don't you talk to

me like that!

Don't you talk to me like him.

Look at you, Harry.

What are you, some kind of media?

And the stuff that comes out of your mouth, Harry.

That's not you. That couldn't be you.

And I just thought that if I could talk to you, I could fix it. I could get it

back the way that it was.

But I couldn't get you on the phone. You never answered my letters.

I didn't ignore your kid calls and letters. The staff handles that stuff.

know that. I know a lot of things now, Harry.

I saw it the minute I got here.

You don't really believe in anything, do you?

Maybe you never did.

And that's why I just want you dead.

I just want you to stop hurting people.

I haven't changed, kid.

Not really.

I still want the same thing you do.

What everybody wants.

Recognition, respect, a little acknowledgement.

But me, all of us, everybody who believed in you, didn't we give you

Didn't matter. I lost.

Nobody paid any attention to me.

Look, things are different now.

I've got acceptance, you know?

Okay, maybe it's from a bunch of crackpots and yahoos, I don't know. But

real.

And it's mine.

And I'll tell you something, I didn't use a gun to get it.

The only way you're ever going to get any respect is if you respect yourself.

Otherwise, you ain't going to get it from me, Jack.

Or anybody else.

That was a nice talk. I didn't know you had it in you.

Listen, we're still alive, right?

Like they say, whatever gets you through the night.

I mean, you know, no cameras, no audience.

I'm impressed.

Come on, you're worse than he is.

Give me a break, will you? That's what I do. I talk.

It's all part of the act.

Hey, go ahead and run for governor, lady. I can't wait to read the news

about how you keep going nuts and raising taxes once a month.

Right?

You know, actually, I'd like to see more women in politics.

I mean, they'd be riding to those state dinners in the fancy limos. It'll keep

them out from behind the wheel of a car, right? I can see that Shanley's brush

with mortality hasn't changed his style much.

Are you kidding? He's planning to do an interview with Sadler live from his

cell. No problem with it, all right?

And why have you been married five times? Why five times? Hey, I don't

They get a little used up after a while, and you have to trade them in on a new

one, right?

How the hell do I know? What am I, Dr. Ruth?

Now, are we dealing with some kind of discrimination here, or a couple of

peeping Jane bimbos who need their britches pulled down and their bottoms

spanked?

Don't even think about touching that dial. Off Your Chest with Malcolm

the Third will continue. I'm happy to report that Shanley's first check

the bank.

The law firm of Finalligan and Delghetti will be happy to hear that. Yeah, well,

they were worried that nobody fell out of court like those guys.

I can believe that. Uh, Mom, make up the perfume that I couldn't buy you for a

coat that I didn't get you.

It's a toaster.

Not just any toaster. No, no, no. This is the latest in bread browning

technology. Tell her, Rick.

Okay, I will. See, there's a little timer.

Timer. And you set that at night, and the first thing in the morning, any time

you want it, you got toast ready for you. Ready and waiting. First thing in

morning. I don't know what we do about juice and coffee, but you got the

toaster.

The bread browner.