Original subtitles

We're never going to get away with this. Do you know what the penalty is for

stealing a police car?

You fellas want to let me off at the next corner?

We wouldn't be in this mess if you'd have stopped him.

Who left the keys in the truck?

Hey, bro, will you let me out of here?

I demand my constitutional rights. You have the right to remain silent.

So, hey, Blondie, what's your name?

AJ. The middle of a... high -speed chase he does it. I don't believe this. In

the middle of a high -speed chase, pursuing a felon and a blonde kid for...

You take the keys this time.

Freeze!

I said breathe.

Thank you. Thank you.

I can see it now.

PI's run wild.

Rampage to San Diego. Hey.

No big deal. We borrowed some city property. We both pay taxes, don't we?

And even if you did, that doesn't give you the right to borrow a police car.

I prefer to think of this as doing our civic duty.

Yeah, you tell that to Lieutenant Marsh.

Here he comes.

KKSD was able to obtain some dramatic coverage of the capture this afternoon

a man identified as Stephen Palmer, the Eastside burglar suspect, by two private

investigators, Richard and Andrew Simon.

you appropriated a San Diego police car to capture the suspect.

Actually, I think appropriated is a strong word.

Actually, that's true.

We worked very closely with the SDPD on this investigation.

Today, these two modest detectives from Simon & Simon Investigations were

praised by the mayor as courageous citizens who are helping to keep our

free of crime.

Now, back to you in the studio, Wendy.

I see they're courageous citizens.

We're in a clear AJ. They love us.

Rick, tell me, do you think I'd look better if they photographed me from the

other side?

What's all this?

Must be our new neighbor, Madame Gabinda, who made shoe design, crystal

and traffic school.

Mr. Simon, my name is Flora Dukesberry. I saw you on television last night. I

was wondering if you could help me. I need to ask you something.

It's very important. Hold on. Yes, I really will. Excuse me.

Oh, that's terrible. I'm so sorry to see that.

Sweetie, sweetheart, still sophisticated.

These numbers, which I'm filling out now.

We never had any children, but we were always happy.

And then suddenly, without warning, he ran off last week with Arthur.

Okay, Mrs. Duxbury.

With Arthur?

I... Do you want us to...

Try and get your husband back for you, is that it?

Oh, no.

Good riddance to that slug. I want Arthur back.

AKC registered poodles aren't a dime a dozen, you know.

No, no, they're not.

Thank you very much, Mrs. Duxbury, and we'll be in touch.

Thank you.

What's the next number?

Lunch. We've got clients waiting.

If they waited six hours, they can wait through a cheeseburger.

Good point.

Got a big break on the Lindbergh kidnapping.

See ya.

You know, all this publicity could be a blessing in disguise.

Always get too much or too little.

Publicity? Catch it.

I'm trying to broaden your horizons here. You're talking about junk food.

again?

How do you think Henry Ford got to be so rich?

Pencils. He had people working for him. People made the money for him.

And we've got more business than we can possibly handle right now.

This is our chance to expand.

What are you saying when I think you're saying?

Look, we can't handle it all, right? There's no reason to let it go to waste.

All we have to do is bring in a receptionist, a...

Another investigator or two we can cash in.

It's always been the two of us. And it always will be.

Just let them take care of the boring, the cash flow jobs.

We take the premium cases.

The ones that you could apply the unique logic of your razor -sharp mind to.

Tomorrow night's takeouts.

Pay off your credit cards.

They're canceled.

All right, you can get them back then.

A little more divorce cases.

You know, we could incorporate.

You know, AJ, you could be right. This could be our bite out of the pig in

We could even franchise.

Mason Wives.

Yeah.

Company cars.

Oh, yeah.

Free margarita lunches. Yeah.

Right up in the Wall Street Journal. Yeah. And all in the name of Simon and

Simon and Associates.

I don't get it, Mr. Duxbury.

Yesterday you were trying to hire us.

Oh, I know.

But after I saw your ad, I thought to myself, Laura, you're a free woman now.

It's time for a change. You should get out in the world.

Maybe you could work for those two lovely Simon boys.

Thank you very much, Mrs. Duxbury. It's very kind of you to think of it.

I must say, your shorthanded typing skills are really very impressive.

Don't you think so, Rick?

110 words a minute.

I don't think that fast. I know. Well, I know I would fit in, Mr. Simon.

I love a good murder.

Especially Agatha Christie.

Right. Well... Mrs. Duxbury, I thank you so much for coming in.

We will be in touch.

Yes.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Next.

Hi, I'm Rick Simon, the first Simon of Simon and Simon. Please have a seat.

And you are?

Call me Carmen. Carmen.

I'm A .J. Simon.

Hi.

Yes.

Carmen, I see you type 35.

Words per minute.

That's faster than you type, right, A .J.? Right. And you're short...

You don't take shorthand?

No.

But I do have other skills.

Would you care to elaborate on that?

I'm good at filing, and I'm very well organized.

Yes, you are.

A .J., could we speak outside for just a minute?

Would you excuse us, please?

Beg pardon.

She's exactly what we need. All right, come on. Now, let's not kid ourselves

here. I like her, too, but... No shorthand, no dictation. When have you

dictated? You've never dictated before.

I've never had a secretary before. And why do we need one? To type? You can

type. To file? I can file.

I wouldn't call what you do filing. Well, the...

Point is, A .J., is we need a secretary for image.

Not when people come into this office. Do you want them to think that they've

come into a nursing home or a young, vibrant, aggressive detective agency?

Well, I have to admit, she does tend to bring out that certain... You know it.

Yeah.

Things don't just disappear. It's got to be somewhere. All they found on Palmer

was the money from the employee cashier.

I don't care about that.

You're supposed to be in charge of security around here, and you let a

-rate burglar waltz in and walk off with a key to a million -dollar operation.

Walk off?

He jack -rabbited out of here, stole some guy's pickup. By the time we caught

up, the cops were already on the scene.

Well, what do you think Palmer did with him?

I don't know.

We'll find out.

I was reviewing your application, Mr. Whitmore, and, uh...

Apparently you double majored in business and criminology.

Yes, I did my master's thesis on the socioeconomic impact of securities fraud

corporate capitalization.

Well, that's interesting, but what we had in mind was someone with a bit more

-field experience than a parking lot security operative for the

bonus mark.

I was hoping for an opportunity for advancement, but it just didn't pan out.

Well, your resume is very interesting.

You know, I think that if I could have just networked a little more... Thank

for coming in.

Thank you very much.

I'm going to use that.

Twelve.

Only one of them had any experience as an investigator.

With Sherlock Holmes, maybe the guy must have been 70.

She can just take my throwaways if she wants.

I think that's just the thing. Well, you know.

Carmen, do you think you could bring yourself to answer that, please?

Sure, Mr. Simon.

Simon and Simon and Associates, please hold.

Sorry, Doreen, gotta go. We're really swamped.

She said he was good with filing.

Carmen, you want to call Mr. Krantz, please?

Krantz!

Richie, Andy, nice to meet you.

I loved your act on TV the other night.

I told the missus, these guys are better than the ice capades.

The missus lives for the ice capades.

Uh, Mr. Krantz. Call me Al.

Al.

Uh...

Looking at your resume.

Ten years with LAPD, five with the Pilkersons, got experience out the

So tell me, why did you leave the big agency?

I couldn't stand the choice, Richie.

Everything was by the books.

Punch the clock, tie the ties, shine the shoes.

God forbid you spill soup on your blue blazer.

No offense, Andy.

Got fed up, gave my walking papers.

Well, uh, Al.

Obviously, order and appearance are very important here at Simon & Simon &

Associates. Are we going to have to step out in the hall again? No, I don't

think so. You're hired.

One isn't enough, AJ.

Remember, the sign on the door says Associates, with an S.

What about Carmen?

Well, Carmen is the head of our client interface department, but I wouldn't

her an associate.

Client interface department?

Look, with the workload we got, we gotta have at least two more investigators.

What are we gonna be doing?

Management, A .J., management.

Management.

It's in the car.

It's in that car.

The one I stole.

Hello, A .J. Simon.

Good morning, Lieutenant.

No, no, you didn't wake me. I'm in early... Yeah?

Okay.

Well, as soon as I can grab Rick... Yeah.

Yes, ma 'am, we'll be right down.

Will the old heap finally fall apart?

That's not funny, AJ. How would you like it if your car got vandalized?

I hope you kept the owner's manual.

Yeah,

I see your brother's still milking this for all it's worth.

He's just the naturally friendly type, that's all. Yeah, and a little publicity

never hurt either, right?

Right, like ketchup.

Debriefing, my foot. You haven't the slightest idea why you're here.

Why are we here?

A simple prison murder.

One inmate didn't like the way another combed his hair, so he knifed him.

Well, don't look at me. I haven't been in jail since.

Look, the victim was your perp, your ticket to stardom, Stephen Palmer.

You called us all the way down here at this hour just to tell us that?

No. Uh, Stephen Palmer had a very checkered career. He crossed an awful

people. I'm sure one of them just finally... I called you down here to say

case is officially closed. I took a massive dose of heat over that stunt you

pulled with our cruiser.

Now, that's the thanks we get for all our help.

Help? Help, you stole a police car, kidnapped a suspect, and broke every

law in the country. Least we could do.

You know, the only reason I don't throw you in the stir right now is because of

those news vultures out there. So you just stay clear of people with pens and

cameras and let us tend to the business of crime.

You think she likes you, Juan?

Clear?

Clearing.

California, I agree.

Well, just like I said, it's the ideal recreational vehicle.

You can take her through five feet of water, and she won't leak.

Well, I wasn't planning to drive it to Hawaii.

Actually, I'm interested in it as a company car.

We're in an expansion mode at this particular point in time. Probably need

whole fleet of these babies.

I assume you do give a corporate rate. Well, now, I'm certain we can work

something out. Good.

But I'll have to talk to the... The manager.

First, my good man, let's not waste precious time. After all, time is money.

Well, did you have any particular color in mind?

Being in the red is not always a bad thing, A .J.

That'll come as a great relief to Rick. It'll give him meaning to his life.

Expansion can be costly.

There'll be the quarterly employee tax.

There'll be workman's comp.

And have you given thought to starting...

Profit sharing.

Actually,

I thought we'd wait until we had a profit. I'm kind of a stickler for

You need goals, A .J.

Your cash flow is choppy right now. You may want to consider leveraging.

Leveraging?

Taking out a loan.

A loan?

Aren't we supposed to be making money now? I mean, isn't that the idea?

Well, of course.

But it... takes money to make money. Go out on a limb today, and tomorrow you'll

own the whole tree.

Why, Rick took a step in that direction just this morning. Rick bought a tree.

No, no, no, no. He leased a company car. I finalized all the details.

Excuse me a minute, please. Go right ahead.

Carmen, this is A .J.

Simon and Simon and Associates. Please hold.

Carmen. Car... Busy day. You know, a lot of incoming calls.

Carmen, it's A .J. Don't hang up.

I want to talk to Rick.

Mr. Simon.

Mr. Simon is out. He's got an appointment with his tailor.

Surplus Sammy?

Armando of Paris.

Any messages for Mr. Simon, Mr. Simon?

No, I've heard everything.

No. No, thank you.

Oh, well, I do have one for you from him.

Mr. Simon says for you to meet him at, uh, Chez Rosine at 1.

Almost everything.

Thank you, Carmen.

Oh, hi, A .J.

You know, it says here...

The corporate offices are the first line of attack in a business expansion.

What?

Oh, uh, well, there's a suite of offices down on the second floor coming due the

end of the month.

Phillips told me about it this morning when I paid him three months' back rent.

Don't you think you're overdoing it a bit?

Yeah, you're right. He'd probably been happy with two.

No, I'm talking about the costs.

I think we ought to slow down. I mean, new offices, new clothes.

expensive lunches, corporate car. We're going out on a limb.

Well, think of it as down payment on a tree.

You've been talking to our accountant.

Yeah, we did breakfast.

He wanted me to meet a business manager, and I'm an investment counselor.

Rick, the smell of money is making you crazy.

Me crazy?

Expansion was your idea.

And I'm all for it. Here's to Simon and Simon and Associates.

Sorry they didn't have anything pressure in a 73.

We got a problem.

These Simon guys are spending money like there's no tomorrow. Like they just won

the lottery.

Yeah, with our ticket.

It wasn't in his junker?

No.

At least now we know they've got it.

Well, that's great. Then one dollar will buy me a cup of coffee.

All right. You do whatever you have to do to get it back, and do it fast.

And... Through these weekly staff meetings, we hope to keep Simon & Simon

Associates a synergistic family corporation.

Right.

Well,

let's get started. Who'd like to go first?

That's what I like to see, personal initiative.

Al, why don't you start? You've got seniority.

Excuse me, Mr. Simon. How many S's are in associates?

Three.

Three? Three.

Three?

Okay. I got two broads trying to catch their hubbies doing the horizontal

That's two M's in mumbo, sweetheart.

I got three minor jewelry thefts and some deadbeat looking for a runaway kid.

put the deadbeat on the back burner.

Why? No bucks.

We don't ignore needy cases around here, Alan. That's not the way we work.

Your brother told us to pick the priority cases.

Yeah, I know, but...

Are you trying to tell us that you don't care if your clients can pay?

Do you want to help me out here, Rick?

With all due respect, Mr. Simon, you're supposed to be running a corporation

here. You've got to look at the bottom line.

Look, kid, you're still on probation.

Besides, Al, a little charity is good for him, if you know what I mean.

Okay.

I'm looking at five days' work. I was going to stretch it to 12, but I'll

for seven. Fair?

You're making us sound like the big heartless agency you just left.

The Pilkersons?

They have one of the best balance sheets of anyone in the country.

Look. Okay, okay.

Six.

All I'm saying is, Rick, it just doesn't feel right to me.

Padding expenses, stretching out the billing time. We've lost something.

Not according to this weekly balance sheet we have. We're operating at a

considerable profit.

At what price?

Do you want the overhead figures?

No, that's not what I'm talking about at all. At what price to our consciences?

Is it my fault that the business is growing? What do you want me to do, turn

back on that?

I don't know.

It seems like ever since we went corporate, we can't agree on anything.

That's not true.

A .J., it's just we're playing a different game now, that's all. A high

game.

Now, one day when we're sitting on our yacht drinking Mai Tai, you'll thank me

for this.

Whoa, gotta go.

Got an early morning confab with the printer.

You're gonna love the new stationery.

And I've got another surprise for you.

Later.

You got something that don't belong to you or want it back.

What the hell are you talking about?

Keep playing dumb, you're going to wind up just like Palmer.

I sure wish I knew what it was we're supposed to have.

Something the thief stole.

No kidding, Dick Tracy.

Boy, I'm glad to see that corporate life hasn't dulled your detection skills.

Do I detect a note of testiness in your voice?

Where are you going?

I'm going out to do some investigating because we are still investigators,

remember? Relax.

I put Krantz on a top priority status.

Let him do the dirty work. That's the beauty of being the boss.

No, the beauty of being a boss would be that the bad guys would beat up your

employees and not you.

Turn this damn thing off. No, no, no. Leave that on. Why?

Just humor me.

Do you need help locating that missing member of your family?

The one the police gave up on three years ago?

Involved in a messy divorce and need some solid evidence?

Then you need a professional. I think I'm going to be sick.

Hello, my name is Rick Simon, President and Chief Executive Officer of Simon &

Simon & Associates.

Whether it's investigation or surveillance, our staff of specially

detectives is here to help you out.

Whatever your problem might be, feel free to call us at 555 -7800 anytime.

That's 555 -7800, night or day.

And remember, if you need a nose, come to the pros.

Didn't you tell me about this? I thought we were supposed to be partners.

I wanted to surprise you. Not true.

You didn't because you knew I would never agree to this.

Who elected you president? Do you have any idea how many people that commercial

is going to reach? Yes, millions. Millions. And millions of people are

see us as a couple of greedy, self -serving hucksters after a quick buck.

Doctors advertised on TV.

Lawyers advertised on TV. Nobody think... Well, let me think of a better

example.

This just isn't working for me, Rick.

That's because you can't see down the road. You can't see past your own nose.

Oh, I was the one who came up with the idea of expansion. Yeah, but I'm the one

who made it work.

Now, look, we've got to take some risks. We have to quit thinking small. I'm

telling you, our ship is coming in, and it's a nuclear carrier.

Well, I'm not going to be at the harbor to meet it.

And if you feel that strongly about it,

you take Simon and Simon and Associates, and you run it by yourself.

Fine.

I'll just call it Simon and Associates and make it even more successful.

You just don't get it, do you?

Morning,

Lieutenant. You're looking gorgeous as usual today.

Cut the patter, Krantz. I'm busy.

And I won't take up too much of your time, Lieutenant. I need a list of

Burglars' last five or six robberies.

What for?

A little work I'm doing for my boss.

I thought the Pilkers inspired you.

Resignation by mutual consent.

No, no, I latched on to some genuine quality people now.

You know Richie and Andy Simon?

Richie and Andy?

Great guys, huh?

Yeah, well, you tell Richie and Andy that if they want something from me,

can come down here and get it themselves.

And then you tell them that if they do, I will throw their butts in the slammer

so fast they won't know what hit them. You got that, Grant?

Loud and clear, Lieutenant. Yeah, and one more thing.

If I catch you or any of your cronies meddling in this case, you'll live to

regret it. Now get out of here!

You have a nice day, Lieutenant.

Out!

Bernie,

how the heck are you?

How's the little woman?

Does she know about the time that I covered for you when Vice hit the peek

-boo motel?

Bernie? Maybe you can return the favor.

I need your signature on these invoices, Mr. Simon. Oh.

How's it going?

Just fine, Mr. Simon.

If you need any advice on a case or anything, feel free to ask.

Thanks, but everything's under control.

Good.

Well,

you know, hey, Doreen, I don't think you need to go home with every guy that

buys you dinner.

Yes, you were supposed to get dinner, Doreen.

I got plans for lunch.

Just a second, Doreen.

Sorry, Mr. Simon, but I make it a point not to date my bosses.

I didn't say date. I said lunch.

Here, I need you to sign this sheet for my overtime.

Overtime for what?

Well, hey, people keep talking to me. If I didn't stay late, I'd never get

anything done.

Oh, Al.

How's the investigation going?

Uh, nothing so far, boss.

Fill me in.

All I know is Palmer popped three stores the night before you napped. Two

jewelry stores and a video joint.

I should have something soon. Uh, listen, maybe... Maybe it'd be a good

we sort of worked together on this, you know?

Thanks, boss, but I'm kind of on a roll now.

Just give me 24 hours.

Sure.

You'll have something at the office, but I figured I'd just drop it by on my way

home.

What is it?

Thank you. I don't know how I would have gotten through the rest of my life

without that.

Look, there's something I wanted to say to you.

What?

Don't worry about your personal mail.

See to it that Carmen forwards it.

Think she's capable of it?

Right.

Well, I gotta be going.

So long.

This better be important.

Oh, it is important, Mr. Simon. It's very important.

How is this?

Never mind that. We have your employee, Mr.

Krantz.

If you would like to see him alive again, you will meet us at the warehouse

the corner of Del Mar and North at 8 a .m. No police, and bring what we want.

Oh, I thought we told... Yeah, Phil, I think it's great that you got a car

phone.

Sure, corporate communication is very important, but you don't have to call in

every time the client's husband stops at a red light. Krantz has been kidnapped.

What?

Bill, I'll call you right back.

I just got the call.

Sounds like the same guys that roughed us up.

You shouldn't have gotten Krantz involved.

Look, I didn't know he was going to... Of course you didn't know. You were too

busy going over your balance sheets all day.

Where are you going?

I'm going to do your dirty work.

Hey, wait a minute.

Thought you said you were all finished with Simon and Simon and Associates.

Krantz is as much my responsibility as he is yours. We both hired him.

Well, that's true, but technically that's my problem now. You don't have to

this, you know.

That's not the way I work, Rick. You know that.

Yes, I do.

So where are we going?

We? The sheets can wait.

Suit yourself.

What's planned?

As far as I can tell, we've only got one choice.

Whoever has Krantz thinks we've got whatever it was Palmer had.

Oh, so what we got to do is just backtrack to the scene of the chase.

Not as rusty as I thought.

Yeah, it took me five or six seconds to figure out what the hell you just said.

Okay, okay.

Park the power wagon.

Right about there, he came straight through the playground, up over the

Kind of like old times, isn't it?

Made a beeline for that entrance.

How to fight for what? Maybe ten seconds?

That's enough time to hide something.

You got the keys?

Always.

The green beret? Yeah, the other tape I rented. Oh, no, I put them in that

drawer. I could have bought them for what I owe now.

But you had two tapes in the office.

Looks like someone's trying to muffle in on Uncle Sam's printing business.

He must have grabbed these by mistake the night he swiped the power wagon.

Mine were on the seat.

Wait a second.

I'm calling an emergency meeting in the board of directors of Simon & Simon &

Associates. What? The meeting will now come to order.

I vote that after this mess is all over, we disband the company and go back to

being a two -man operation. All those in favor say aye. Aye. All those opposed?

Glad that's settled.

Close enough.

I'm glad you guys came to your senses. Slide it over.

What is this?

That's, uh, Sweetie Sweetheart's first ten minutes. It's a little slow, but I

think you'll like the end.

You really didn't think we were going to take any chances, did you?

You give us crowns, we'll give you the plates.

It's the wrong answer.

He's in a shop.

Don't even dream of it! My car!

No!

You can open your eyes now.

Believe it or not, Simon and the Simon Associates actually made a profit. Told

you so.

A whopping $215 .32.

You heard out Henry Ford.

Yoo -hoo, Mr. Simon!

Yoo -hoo, Mr. Simon!

Carmen, that's your severance check, plus a small bonus for the short notice.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Simon. You know, I already qualified for a new job in word

processing. Ivana White left the Wheel of Fortune?

No. Really?

Carmen, listen, I was thinking that, you know, since I'm not your boss anymore,

that... Perhaps I could take you out to dinner tonight.

Well, thank you, Mr. Simon, but I already have a date.

In fact, I'd better run. Phil hates it if I'm late.

Phil?

Whitmore? Well, he is upwardly mobile.

Like a hot air balloon.

Toodles!

I've got 10 ,000 sheets of deluxe embossed stationery, 800 bucks VOD, for

and Simon and Associates.

Are you them?

Never heard of them.

But Mr. Sucks!