Original subtitles

Give me attention, please.

This is it, kids.

This is it. In the next 72 hours, two of you will be chosen to represent the

entire new product line of Enchanted Cosmetics as the male and female

spokesmodels of the 90s.

All right, I'm Vic Jarvis, your entry director. We've got a million things to

and three precious days to do with them in, so let's get started.

All right.

Now, I know some of you, well, all of you, have had some experience before the

cameras, even if it's just been close up of your hands. This will help, because

this year, for the first time ever, the entire pageant will be taped for

broadcast as a TV special.

Now,

that's personality, poise, and talent. Beth Eastwick, she's the promoter who

this entire shebang together for Enchantment. She will best help you

yourselves to our prestigious panel of judges. Beth?

I think the most important advice I can give you is just relax and be yourself.

That's all.

Great. Thank you, Beth. All right.

Rehearsal for the opening dance number is in 10 minutes. If any of you have any

training in dance, please let us know.

I was a tap dancing raisin once.

Lucky us.

Are there any quick questions? Are we going to have to, like, talk or

That's a tough one.

Come on, come on, we got a show to put on.

Stardom awaits you. Show business is our lives. Let's go, you all. Very

beautiful, very beautiful.

Hey, sweetheart.

What are you waiting for, an earthquake? Come on.

Quickie Mark, give us the bonus.

Close your eyes.

Rick. Close your eyes.

Can I open my eyes now?

Nope. Not yet. Not yet. Not done.

Rick, did you or did you not get a check from Mr. Collegian?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Rick!

Now.

Three weeks of all -night staycats.

Three weeks of cyberpunk shoplifters.

And no bonus?

This is the bonus.

He gave me an empty bag in 30 seconds.

Still haute cuisine around here, I see.

Oh, something's never changed.

Hi. Hi.

Did you ever get your pageant mounted?

Yeah, entrapment cosmetics.

Enchantment. Enchantment, entrapment, works the same way. Yeah, I did.

In fact, I wish I could say that this is just a social visit, but I have a

problem. Sit down. Sit down. Do you want a chocolate donut? No, thank you. Box

of them? No.

One of our contestants is being blackmailed.

Been to the police?

Are you kidding?

I haven't even told my bosses yet.

Oh, you know what even a minor scandal can do to a show like this, let alone to

a contestant's career.

Well, first thing we do then is we talk to the victim. Who is it?

It's just it, A .J. I don't know.

I found this backstage, but it could have been sent to anybody.

$250 ,000?

Where's one of your contestants? Well, a lot of them have already been modeling

for years.

Some have wealthy families.

The modeling contract for the winners is worth half a million dollars for the

first year alone.

For each of them.

Okay.

What are we talking about here?

Undercover work?

Right. But the trouble is, I can't get you around the entry procedure.

You have to be sponsored by a modeling agency.

Oh, I don't think that's going to be a serious problem.

Not on your life.

Come on, A .J., I don't look like a male model. One of the judges, maybe. You,

on the other hand. Me? You.

Give me a break, Rick.

It says right here in the rule book that the judges are looking for a person

with a sophisticated sense of style, athletic accomplishment, grace under

pressure.

Face it, A .J., it's kismet. It's faith.

It's karma.

Jew. I'll look ridiculous.

Besides which, you have to be sponsored by a modeling agency.

In -hand escort... Come on, Rick, that's nothing but a cover for a... Oh, come

on. Raul and the girls think you're a shoo -in. That's it. No, forget it. No,

no, no, forget it. A .J., for Beth.

Rick... I am not...

waltzing around half -naked in front of half of this country.

I am not going to do it, Rick.

No.

Oh, hi, Abby. Come on in. Yeah, where the hell were you two in court today?

If Harris hadn't wrangled a continuance out of the judge, then...

Oh,

kinky.

Who's the lucky girl?

All right.

What is going on?

We do not wish to discuss it.

A .J. has entered the faces of the 90s pageant.

It's a beauty pageant.

All right.

All right. Forget I even asked. I want you in court next Tuesday at 11 sharp.

For your information, Abby, the judges are looking for a man with...

sophisticated sense of style, athletic accomplishment, and grace under

Which I suppose you're demonstrating now.

Bill Batchelor, huh?

Yes. Your sponsor is the in -hand escort service? Escort and modeling service.

Well, I thought that was just... No, no, no. We're under new management now.

Uh -huh.

Excuse me.

Can I help you?

Oh, hi. Harvey Braddock.

I can't tell you how pleased we are to have an old pro like you here with us. I

don't think I should.

Marion? Peter?

I'd like you to meet Harvey Braddock. How do you do? He's judged over 2 ,000

these things. Oh, yeah?

Everything from Miss Roadhog Radial to the King of Prussia Polka Princess

pageant. You should pardon the expression.

Marion St. Clair, Nouvelle Chic magazine.

It's nice to meet you.

Of course, you know P .D. Treadwell.

Oh, the seminars, right. Tell me something. Is it really as easy to make

millions of dollars in your spare time as you make it look? No, it's all in the

wrist. You just have to know when to write the right check. Oh.

It says here we only have ten minutes to interview each contestant.

How can we size up somebody's personality that quickly?

Now, just remember, we're looking for a couple who looks great together as well

as individually.

But no dummies.

Hey!

Does anybody know how to put on one of these things?

Next, please.

Ah, so, uh, Ms.

Hightower. Hi, Walter.

And it's me, isn't it?

Ah.

Yes, of course. Excuse me.

I noticed that you put honesty at the top of your list of personal

values. Absolutely.

So, what do you intend to do with the half mil if you win this puppy?

I'll either donate it to the American Bursitis Foundation or buy a condo in

Maui.

Let's see.

Bill, is it?

Yes. Bill, who would you say is the individual who has influenced your life

most? It's hard to say.

John Locke, possibly?

Or Søren Kierkegaard?

Interesting.

So far, I've had one, two, three, four, five, six Vanna Whites, two

Schwarzeneggers, and a Stallone. You are the first person to mention anybody

dead. Well, there's also my brother Rick.

He's touched my life in more ways than you can possibly imagine.

Is he dead?

Not yet.

You all right?

Oh, yeah.

It's just my allergies.

Maybe it'll come in handy if I have to cry on cue, huh?

You're the dry duds girl, the mom with all the babies crawling all over you?

Yeah. Hi, Diane Fields.

Hi, nice to meet you. Bill Batchelor.

I guess you're used to all this.

No, not really.

If someone had told me six months ago I'd be prancing around on stage and next

to nothing, I would have told them they were crazy.

I know exactly how you feel.

Any of them seem particularly nervous to you? That would have been a change of

pace.

Most of them sounded like flatline on the old EEG. Listen to this.

Promote world peace.

End world hunger.

Nothing.

Promote world peace and end world hunger. Now, that's really original.

Oh,

I don't know. That guy Batchelor seemed very bright. I think he's actually read

a book. Give me a break.

A .J., I'm telling you, you can win this thing.

That would be ethical, Rick. I'm working for the pageant. The judges don't know

that. They'll give it to you fair and square.

You are one of the judges.

Got a pint?

Rick, have you found anything yet? Not yet.

I keep asking a lot of questions while I get his teeth. I think it's time we

took a more direct approach. What do you mean by a direct approach?

On the way.

Thanks.

my problem.

You said you could come up with a 250.

We've already given you one extension.

Mr. Brain doesn't have it in his hand by the end of the taping.

Your history.

Mr.

Jarvis?

I killed Mr. Jarvis. Because it looks like you thought he was the one who sent

you the note.

No, I only went to tell him that I'd probably have to drop out of the

Why?

Because I couldn't pay the blackmail. Oh, really?

Really? Well, it has come to our attention that your father is William

the Henley and Fields brokerage house.

Yes, he is.

But I haven't spoken to my family in years.

Look, they threw me out when I was 17.

I was... Pregnant.

That's what this blackmail is all about. Silver spoons and boarding schools all

my life, and suddenly I was living in a cold water walk -up and waiting on

tables till two in the morning.

I didn't have any hope of making a life for myself.

Or my little girl.

Until last year.

One of my friends dragged me off to a modeling audition.

And here I am.

But these days, lots of women have children without getting married.

Lieutenant, I am the dry -duds diaper girl.

Squeaky clean, all -American housewife. Only I've never been anyone's wife.

No, no, I understand.

This way, please, Miss Fields.

I'll do what I can.

Great.

That was the whole moppet.

They're talking about pulling the plug on the whole show.

Can you keep a lid on this?

No, I can't. Just give us 48 hours.

You give us the time, we'll give you the killer.

Give me one good reason why I should.

I'll give you a couple.

For one, we're already on the inside here.

And for another, you can't make this collar stick.

None of your eyewitnesses can place Diane at the scene the time of the

And so far, nobody else looks good for this beef.

I had better judgment.

What?

Come on, AJ.

How tough can it be?

We already know Jarvis. The blackmailer, right? Wrong. Wrong. Right.

I found these.

Near the area where Jarvis was killed.

Buttons, of course. How foolish of me.

Buttons? Those.

Those, yes. Two. Plural. Buttons. Anybody can lose one button, but two

thread still attached?

Okay. Okay, so Jarvis fought with the blackmailer before he got clocked,

Wrong. Wrong.

I found them about 20 feet from the area where Jarvis was killed. Now, unless

Jarvis was a much greater brawler than he looked...

Then there were at least two other people on the scene, right? Right.

And if Diane's telling the truth and Jarvis was just backstage for some other

reason... Then he chanced upon a nasty little altercation and got taken out for

his trouble. Right.

Right. By a killer who might also be a blackmailer.

Or might not.

Right. I don't believe I just said that.

Hey, Jay, I think we've finally done it.

I think we finally found a case as complicated as the merch kidnapping.

Oh.

Boy, you remember that one?

Where the baby in the clown suit kept getting confused with the albino dwarf.

You think we can handle this?

Oh, sure we can. No problem.

Matter of fact, I think this is just great.

All we have to do is find the blackmailer, and I resign as judge.

Good night, Rick. The show goes on. Good night, Rick. You pick up a neat little

half -mill just for being yourself.

Good night, Rick. What could be simpler?

Me again.

Bye -bye.

Mr. Lowell's office.

Hi, my name's Ernie Boyer. I'm Vic Jarvis' assistant over at the pageant.

Pageant? Hold, please.

I'm sorry, Mr.

Lowell's not in at the moment.

Could I take a message?

No, no, that's all right. I'll call back.

I ought to tear you apart.

Why? It says on the thing that you're going to sing my way for the talent

That is my song.

I'm sorry, I didn't know.

Well, I guess I could do...

Impossible dream.

That's great.

That's a great idea. It's a wonderful song. It's not as much of a cliche.

Really.

You may be right. I couldn't find any real evidence that Jarvis had dirt on

Diane. Of course, there were so many stacks of files around, I could hardly

a floor.

Well, that's comforting.

Oh, but the last phone call he made was to the...

Lowell Modeling Agency.

I could have gone through the rest of my life without ever hearing about another

wrinkle in this case and never missed it.

Take a deep breath. Count to ten. Oh, just give it to me. What is the Lowell

Modeling Agency and who is Lowell?

Beats me.

But when I called his office, his secretary got real weird when I

name Jarvis. Did you get an address?

Well, you should never ask.

By the way, I put a call in to stretch.

The street's giving six to five odds you got a real shot here unless you float a

swimsuit competition.

Well? Well, it seems that the ever -resourceful Miss Kimberly Jo Highwater

represented by the Lowell Modeling Agency.

It took you the better part of an hour to find that out?

It took me a little while.

Persuade Lowell's secretary to turn the other way.

Well, I got this.

What is this?

This is Lowell's phone calls.

See there?

Yesterday at 6 .30?

Jarvis called half an hour before he was killed.

Lowell also got two phone calls from Marion Sinclair.

And also a call from one Charles Breen.

Charlie, today your kneecaps, tomorrow the world, Breen. Just tell me who he

Rick. Just your average, ordinary, everyday loan shark in a feeding frenzy.

Lowell was in deep to him. He might not walk away alive.

In that case, you might be desperate enough to try and blackmail Diane.

Yeah, with a little help from Marion.

Or Kimberly.

Or whomever.

Bachelor!

Bill Bachelor!

Where the hell have you been?

Meditating. It helps me collect my thoughts.

Yeah? Well, you better collect your butt out on that stage. You're holding up my

talent segment.

I know how disappointed everyone must be.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, to sing a sparkling rendition of an old favorite,

please welcome from Oceanside, California, Mr.

Bill Batchelor.

I find it all so amusing

to think...

I didn't think it was that bad.

Oh, shut up.

At least we know one thing from our little mishap. We must be making

Whoever it was who tried to crease my skull with that mirrored ball is

afraid we found the blackmailer's motive.

Haven't we?

Obviously, the Lowell agency has got some Major League Money problems.

What? Obviously.

Why?

Do you have any plans for the rest of your life?

Excuse me? Just nod your head.

Look.

Lowell's secretary obviously told somebody about my little visit to the

Now, that was obviously somebody from the pageant. Yes, and it was obviously

someone who knew that Jarvis never had an assistant named Ernie Boyer.

Someone who followed us both back to the hotel. Thank you very much, Rick. I've

always wanted to wear my hair parted in two places at the same time.

Who is Ernie? Boyer. If I hadn't gotten to you when I did... What are you two

trying to tell me? Are you trying to tell me that either Kimberly or Marion

something to do with all of this? Well, so far, they're the only two that we can

connect to both the agency and the pageant.

But how?

I mean, how can they work the pageant and still do all the sneak and peek

at the same time?

Well, if we can do it, they can do it.

Swimsuit finals.

Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

from Butte, Montana.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, from Pine Bluff, Arkansas, Miss Kimberly Jo

Highwater.

A student of animal husbandry at Texas A &M and a state champion baton twirler,

Kimberly Jo divides her time between her duties as this year's Give Girl with

the American Bricitis Foundation and an exciting career in high fashion

modeling.

hobbies are checkers, skydiving, and good conversation.

She says that someday she'd like to settle down with a man who drives a

forklift. Let's have a big hand for Miss Kimberly Jo Highwater.

Thank you, Kimberly Jo.

And now, our last finalist. From Oceanside, California, Mr. Bill

Batchelor.

Bill draws his personal inspiration from the writings of John Locke and Thorin

Kierkegaard.

Like a lot of people, Bill loves a quiet fireside and hot cocoa at his favorite

ski lodge.

But he's equally at home on the rain.

Ambient horseback rider and horse trainer, Bill practically grew up on

horseback.

Let's give a warm welcome to Bill Batchelor.

Thank you, Mr. Batchelor.

Well, there they are, folks.

The handsome and lovely finalists in our Faces of the 90s final. I hope you'll

all come back and join us tonight for the taping of our Faces of the 90s

pageant.

I don't think I need to tell you.

It's going to be a hell of a show.

Miss Sinclair.

Yes?

I'm sorry.

This is a little awkward, but would it be possible for me to have a word

with you?

In private.

Don't. We don't want to draw attention to our little rendezvous, do we?

Oh, right, of course.

Listen, I understand you get most of your cover models from the Lowell

Agency.

That's not exactly common knowledge.

Well, I like to do my homework.

Well, come to the head of the class.

Now, why are you interested in my relationship with Lowell?

Oh. Let me guess.

You can't see yourself being handled by the in -hand

escort service.

And modeling. And modeling.

Forever.

You want to change, don't you?

Well, I can do.

Much bigger things for you than law.

Ah, yes.

Well, of course, I'm deeply appreciative of any efforts on my behalf.

You and Marion come to some sort of understanding, did you? I was able to

out of there with my professional integrity intact, thank you very much.

So? You were right.

The agency's about to go under. Huh.

There's been severe financial mismanagement.

He's about to pull the new bill sheet and count away from him to talk to

Kimberly. Oh, you're going to love this.

Okay.

Let me see if I've got this straight.

Kimberly works for Lowell, but doesn't know him personally.

Right. That's because Lowell didn't get her into the agency.

Treadwell did.

Treadwell? Treadwell.

Treadwell the judge?

Mm -hmm.

The guy with the Get Rich Quick seminars?

That's him. What the hell's he got to do with all this?

Well, see, they met a couple years ago when she did a commercial for him. He

thought that she had potential, so he got her into the agency.

Treadwell's connected to Lowell, too?

Right.

But the guy's a millionaire. Why would he be blackmailing anybody? Do I know?

Maybe it's a hobby. Hey, look, just don't start with me now, Rick.

All right, we'll check him out.

Lord knows what battle on earth. Well, I'll take care of that. You've got a

to get ready for. Remember, now, put some Vaseline on your teeth when you

See, it keeps your lip from sticking to your teeth when you smile.

Actually, no, it doesn't. It keeps your lip from sticking to your teeth when you

stop smiling because your teeth and your gums get all dried out and your lip

hangs out there. Stick a sock in it. No, that's a swimsuit gun.

Bye.

And now, another member of our final, Mr. Bill Batchelor.

Bill.

What?

Give this to Bill Batchelor when you get a chance.

Who? Him.

Who? Him.

My way.

Oh.

Sure.

Now the last member of our final list, Mr. Claude

DeCordova.

Got you!

Mr. Treadwell, consider that last favor the extent of my generosity.

All right.

All right.

There, I've signed everything over to you.

I have absolutely nothing left to give you, Mr. Breen.

You're going to make millions off of one lousy loan to me.

Then you're a good teacher.

Number eight cassette in your home study course, remember?

Please, ladies and gentlemen, a warm round of applause for the finalists and

Enchantment Cosmetics Faces of the 90s pageant.

Hey, guys.

Anybody see my, uh, the judge? What's his name? Brannick?

Judge Brannick? Oh, him.

Yeah.

He asked me to give you this.

Rick! Rick!

Come in.

It's Treadwell.

Are you all right? What happened? I'll tell you later.

What were you doing in the freezer?

I felt like a popsicle.

You look like one, too.

The music of what's next.

to compete.

You would have won by a mile.

Oh, I don't know.

I think those two make an interesting couple.

The loss.

All right, now this really isn't all

that complicated. Just pay attention.

Tread well.

was a silent partner in the Lowell Modeling Agency.

But from the records that I found, he was snowballing so many deals that his

whole empire was going to come down around his ears if he didn't score a

loan. But he couldn't pay back Breen either, so he resorted to blackmail.

Breen was arguing with Jarvis... No, no, no.

Back up.

Treadwell and Breen were arguing. Now, when Jarvis showed up backstage, he

overheard Treadwell telling him all about the blackmail plan.

Turns out that the billionaire Treadwell had bounced a check at the hotel, which

was going to be charged directly against the pageant.

It's simple.

Hi, guys.

I just talked to the home office.

Guess what?

The network news carried a clip of your little performance last night.

And thanks to all the publicity, they're going to carry the show in almost twice

as many markets as we'd expected. All right. I even got a promotion.

Good.

So to celebrate...

I thought I'd take Rick to dinner.

Ah. After all, your being there was his idea.

That's true.

Oh, sure, of course. I'll, you know, send out for a pizza or something. Bye.

no, no, A .J.

No, we thought we'd make it a foursome.

Foursome? Mm -hmm.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Miss Sinclair.

I'm so terribly sorry about the way I... Well, I

must admit, I was a little disappointed.

But you can make it up to me.

Oh, well, anything.

Almost anything.

Lose five pounds by next week.

I beg your pardon? We're launching a new magazine for the mature woman. With

centerfolds, I believe you'd make a hell of a Mr. October.

Huh?