All language subtitles for quark_s01e08_vanessa_38.24.36

With the joyous holiday number 11
rapidly approaching, the merchants of

would like to remind you to do your
number 11 shopping early.

And from the staff and management of
Perma 1, we offer this sincere holiday

message.

M1 -64 -44 -Z13.

Thank you.

Lovely rendition, guys.

Lovely.

I don't have all the answers, Cliff.

I'm not the head. I'm his assistant.

I work hard. I make mistakes. I'm sorry.
And, Cliff, happy number 11.

Right.

Duke, how many times do I have to tell
you, don't put the packages on the

equipment?

I am grateful. Just keep them off the
equipment.

Oh, poor.

Did Interface give you my message this
morning? I don't know. I've been doing

number 11 shopping.

What do you think Ficus would like?

Why don't you do what I do when I'm
stuck for a present? Give him a plant.

Ficus is a plant. So they'll move into a
nice little greenhouse and be very

happy together.

I'll think about it. What was your
message?

I want you to stick around Perma One
today. I just may have something for

Oh?

Is it something besides a garbage run?

Oh, maybe something, maybe nothing.

Palindrome? Oh, I just mentioned to the
head you might be interested in having

some action. Today just might be your
lucky day. Hey, I really appreciate

palindrome. Holiday number 11 just
brings out the sweetness in me.

Duke, stay away from my desk.

Oh, for me?

Thank you, thank you, Duke. That'll be
all. Thank you.

Now I've got to get him something.

Oh, come in, come in. Come in.

Estro, Walker.

Quark. Quark.

Commander Walker, as this is the joyous
season of number 11, I am sending you

home to your new life mate.

I'm sorry I had to interrupt your
wedding night for the two -year mission

which you have just returned.

I do hope your bride understands.

Is my assignment as good as that? Next
to yours, that one's hardly worth

mentioning. Commander Estro, you will
take command of the new UGSS -10.

The most modern and powerful starship in
the history of the galaxy.

Even better than that?

Quark, when I say I have something for
you, I mean something. And, Quark, you

will be the subject of my latest
experiment.

Experiment? The galaxy ad infinitum.

Did I tell you I had something?

Experiment? I don't want to be an
experiment.

Quark, you don't like anything.

I've been in the heads experiments.

I don't want to spend another month
testing the gravitational properties of

wheat. I worked my tail off getting you
this assignment. This is gratitude?

What about Peterson? That intergalactic
champion? Before he was in the heads

experiment, he was a heavyweight.

Now, he's a paperweight. You don't trust
me, do you, Quark? After all we've been

through, frankly, I'm hurt.

Palindrome, what is the experiment?

You'll leave in two days. Everything
will be explained before blast -off.

Are you sure I'm going to like this? Or
my middle name isn't Hubert.

Your middle name is Bob.

Hi there, and this is Dr.

Cheryl Evans, head of all computer
development for the United Galaxies. Dr.

Evans is the leading computer scientist
in our field.

This is Vanessa, 38.

2436. The most advanced computer of its
kind in the entire galaxy.

More advanced than the ATR 240?

There's nothing this computer cannot do.

Commander Quark, this experiment will
prove conclusively that you and your

are obsolete.

Does this mean you won't need me
anymore?

Of course we'll need you. I built you
with my own hands, didn't I?

Vanessa is so talented.

I'm just a bunch of spare parts.

Andy. I don't want your pity.

Good, then let's get on with this.

But I'll take whatever I can get. Hey,
hey, Palindrome takes care of his

Now, you're all going to love Vanessa.
Now, listen.

Vanessa, how much is 11 to the 212th
divided by the sum of the crew's

multiplied by 9?

7. I was going to say 7. Vanessa, which
one of us is real and which one of us is

the clone? The pretty one is the clone.
I am not.

Vanessa, if a tree falls in the forest
and no one hears or sees it fall, did

tree in fact fall? What kind of question
is that? The answer is yes. Very

impressive, Doctor.

I was going to say yes.

Didn't I tell you? She is infallible.
Wait just a minute. Vanessa.

This is Adam Quark, commander of this
ship. I know all about you, Quark.

Vanessa, do you in fact believe in me?
What are you doing, Quark? Proposing to

computer? Vanessa will control every
aspect of this ship, right?

Right. Then our lives are in her hands.
I'd like to know if she believes in us.

No, commander, I don't. You don't
believe in us? I do not.

Humans make errors.

Well, Quark, good luck. See you around.

Palindrome, you're sending me on a test
flight with a computer that controls my

ship and it doesn't even believe in me.

How do I turn it off? Commander Quark,
you don't.

Have a nice time, Quark. Happy number
11.

Goodbye, Vanessa.

Make me proud.

Don't worry, Cheryl. I will.

I don't believe this.

Believe it, Quark.

Star note.

I hate to admit it, but Vanessa has
performed brilliantly.

The crew loves her.

So far, I have been able to conceal my
misgivings, even from Ficus.

Commander, from your stance and bearing,
I detect in you some unresolved matter

that is causing confusion, tenseness,
general uncertainty.

Ficus, why do you say things like that?

Sir? I mean, just out of the blue, to
say things like that.

Out of the blue? What blue?

Forget it.

Ficus, the commander doesn't like me. It
bothers him that I place no faith in

human decisions.

That's correct, Vanessa.

Humans do make errors, Commander.

Ah, there is intelligent life on this
ship. Yes, but humans have feelings, and

feelings play an important part in
decision -making.

True, Commander, but human feelings are
not reliable.

That's why you animals make mistakes.

Yes, Ficus, we animals do make mistakes,
but mistakes help people to learn.

In other words, Commander, you animals
need to fail before you succeed.

there would be no reason for failure in
a purely logical world.

That's true, Ficus, but what you are
failing to take into account is that

isn't always the sensible thing.

Don't you see the possibilities,
Palindrome?

With Vanessa, we can completely
eliminate the human factor.

We can use her for everything.

To cook, to clean, even to breed our
children.

Why don't we just stop at cooking and
cleaning? I'd really rather breed my own

children. You're just being a mental
palindrome.

I've been accused of a lot of things
before, but never of that.

Vanessa's the ultimate computer.

I just hope your friend Quark doesn't
get in her way.

Vanessa might have to deal with him.

Deal with him? What would she do, blow a
fuse?

Vanessa's capabilities are endless,
palindrome.

Well, it isn't as if she could actually
destroy him or anything.

Dr. Evans, this is where you're supposed
to nod in agreement.

And this has been programmed for
success, palindrome.

At any price.

Oh, boy, and this was my number 11
present at Cork. I should have just

a plant like last year.

Get me the head.

Commander, I'm picking up an alien
craft.

It appears to be traveling towards us at
alarming speed.

It's heading right at us. That party's
over.

Identification.

Cruiser class. Definitely a warship. The
Gorgons, sir. The Gorgons?

I hate the Gorgons. I joined up just for
a chance to fight it, Commander.

We're on a collision course, Commander.
What should we do?

Bring it up on the telescreen.

You pick it up electronically, but we
cannot make visual contact.

That's right.

Well, where is it? We seem to be heading
straight into some kind of invisible

force. Bettys? Yes?

Stay on this course. If we turn, the
Gorgons will sense our weakness.

A two -year -old could sense our
weakness. I can handle this, Commander.

You listen to the Commander. You listen
good. You got that.

Andy, you want me to handle this.

Vanessa, this is my family. We live and
work together every day.

I want you to know I am willing to turn
on them.

Maintain the course.

But, Commander, I must point out that if
we maintain this course, we're certain

to crash.

Ficus, I'll get the orders here.
Commander, maybe Vanessa should handle

huh? Gene.

Might not be a bad idea. My money's on
Vanessa. What do you think, Ficus? Me or

the machine?

I find your question ludicrous,
Commander.

The machine, of course.

We've got a majority.

Bettys? Yes? Drop all shields. Ficus,
shut down thrust systems.

Commander, for your own good, I'm
declaring you unfit for duty. I'm taking

command of this ship.

Go away. I'm dead serious, sir.

Ficus, arrest Gene. He can't arrest me.
I'm arresting you.

Somebody arrest somebody.

Commander, six seconds to impact.

I'd like you to announce my retirement.

Here they are. We're going to crash.

Fascinating. The Gorgon ship disappeared
as though it had never existed.

Very good, Ficus.

Right, Vanessa?

You're not as dumb as I thought.

Thank you.

Hey, what's going on?

There never was any Gorgon ship.

The whole attack was programmed and fed
into our computers by Vanessa in order

to prove her superior to me. How did she
know?

Human instinct.

Adam, I'm sorry.

Yeah, I guess I kind of lost my head,
Commander.

We'd all be better off if you did.

I think I'm going to take Ergo out for a
walk.

Hey, I'll walk Ergo, can't I? No, no,
no.

There are times when a man wants to be
alone.

Especially on this spaceship.

I feel terrible about turning on you. I
feel worse.

It's all over now. Let's just forget it.
Do you mean it, Adam?

Yes, I mean it. I was scared. I was more
scared.

Of course. Let's just forget it. Do you
mean it, Adam?

Do you have any idea what it's like to
turn on the only man you've ever cared

about? Uh, actually, no.

That's the end of it. Do you mean it,
Adam?

Will you stop asking me if I mean it?

Yes, I mean it.

Man, I gotta talk to you in a second.

What is it, Jean? It's about this
Vanessa business.

That computer's making some pretty
strange mistakes.

I think you should do something about
it.

Star note.

Having a full set of male and female
chromosomes makes Jean a very unusual

person.

What seems to be the problem, Jean?

Well, this is a small thing, Commander.

But I was getting some space cookies
inside of one of the nutrition cabinets

when I noticed one of the lights was on.

Uh, that is pretty little, Jean.

That's only half of it. Something is
wrong with the water.

What's wrong?

Doesn't look right.

Uh, Gene... Listen, Commander, I don't
know about you, but the pressure is

starting to get to me.

Is it getting to you?

No, not really.

Well, me neither, Commander, because it
takes more than a sweet -talking bucket

of bulls to get to me.

You think Matt is making mistakes, or
it's just Gene's imagination?

I think Gene's imagination has a
tendency to run away with itself. Come

on, fella. Let's go.

All right, guy. All right. We're going.
Take it easy, fella.

Take it easy.

We're going.

Okay, guy.

Here we go.

Okay, fella.

Let's go, let's go.

Star Note.

To clear my mind, I have decided to take
a walk in space.

Why do I have the feeling that was a big
mistake?

Further stardom. This is the worst
holiday number 11 I ever had.

Addition to further stardom.

I'm floating away!

He knows I do even more. Do you think he
knows what I was going through?

You know Adam. He's so cool under
pressure.

I know. He doesn't know what it's like
to feel total hysterical panic.

He's so strong. He's brave.

He's floating outside the window.

Commander!

Adam! His air hose has been cut.

He has a ten minute emergency supply of
oxygen. There's no reason to panic. I

can think of a few reasons to panic.

You did this, Vanessa.

Quick thinking, Jean.

Let's see if you can button your boots
and count to ten at the same time.

None of the controls work. Vanessa has
them jammed. Vanessa, I order you to

up the commander. I'll rip out your 250B
rectifier. You got that?

We don't need him. He only gets in my
way.

You're willing to let him die?

Well... He's drifting towards the
garbage closet. If he can't grab him,

shoot out into space.

Are you all right,

Adam? What a touching little scene.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

I had six minutes of oxygen left.

What was Vanessa doing during all of
this? Nothing. She just watched.

Commander, fall and go boom.

Yes, Vanessa. Commander, go boom. I hope
this hasn't hurt our friendship.

A little thing like this? Good, then I
forgive you. Hey, I'm telling you,

Commander, we've got to rip that thing
out of there. That's no way to treat a

lady. Jean, I'll decide what has to be
done.

Ficus, how much farther until we get to
the Valorum star colony?

Hard to say, Commander.

Well, take a wild guess.

Taking a wild guess, I'd say we are
precisely parallel to the 92nd

rung of the planet Phylax, while
approximating a 45 -degree angle to the

constellation Bebop as Avarela Lava.

I am not sure if I can ever relate to
ficus. Ficus? What does that mean?

Five hours.

Why do you say that? Why do you always
use the big words, huh?

What are we going to do, Adam?

The mission will continue.

That's a very good decision, Quark. And
we're going to celebrate holiday number

11 the same as we do every year.

By showering together.

Do you mean it, Adam?

It doesn't matter. Gene.

A traditional number 11 shower.

Last one into quasi -norm.

I suppose you're wondering why I brought
you in here.

I know why, Adam.

No, you don't. I know why, sir. Yeah,
well, I don't. The reason is I didn't

Vanessa to hear us. I knew that.

Hey, listen, Commander, I think we ought
to rip her electrodes out. What do you

say? Come on, let's do it. Whatever we
do, we've got to keep our plans a

I think she's on to us. Somehow she
senses what we're thinking.

We cannot let her suspect what we're up
to. I think I have no choice.

but to dismantle her.

Thank you for recharging my power cells,
Vanessa.

My pleasure, Andy.

If there is anything I can do for you,
just ask. That won't be necessary.

I insist.

I mean it won't be necessary to ask. You
see, I now control your every movement.

What did you say? Let me demonstrate.

What's happening?

I'm not raising my arms. I am now, and
you are my slave.

Does this mean I'm in a pickle?

You bet your capacitors you're in a
pickle. Would it influence you at all if

told you I was an orphan?

Ficus, is it possible to disconnect
Vanessa?

It's difficult to say, Commander.

What would you suppose?

It could be done, and it could not be
done. Ficus, Commander, thanks a

A million what? Ficus, will you get off
it and let the commander finish?

It could be a million goats, a million
lemons, a million... All right, all

right. I'm going to get the tools to
disconnect Vanessa.

Everybody protect me. Don't let on. Keep
Vanessa busy.

You got it? Let's go. Commander,
yesterday I argued that machines would

better commanders than humans.

Since then, I've seen your entire crew
turn on you in a pinch. You've been

ejected from your spaceship and spun
through space. You've landed in the

bin. In fact, I've seen you thoroughly
disgraced and humiliated.

I'm familiar with the story, Ficus.

What's your point? The human element is
necessary in a commander.

I was wrong.

Thank you, Ficus.

It takes a big vegeton to admit a
mistake.

I mean, what other animal would go
through such utter humiliation and still

think he's important?

Ficus? Commander.

Thanks a million.

A million what?

Ficus? What is that?

Most probably a deadly gas.

Fortunately, Commander, I was wrong.

That is somnogenic gas coming through
the air vents.

Vanessa, I'm afraid we'll all be asleep
in a...

Time to put on your space jammies,
Clark.

And go night -night.

a fool, Quark. You can't win.

I'm the ultimate computer. You're just a
man.

Good looking, but still just a man.

Get your hands off my panel, Quark.
You're not my type. I'm warning you.

You're warning me? You've given out your
last warning, Vanessa.

That's where you're wrong, Andy.

Get him.

I must destroy you.

Vanessa is consulting me. Andy, stop.

Personally, I think you're swell. Andy,
get back.

I'm not really this courageous.

I've got to shut you off. I'm sorry.

I did it.

Are you sure you want to do this, Quark?
You'd be losing one heck of a gal.

You know, Adam, that new starship you
want to command, I can get it for you. I

have the head, ear.

Adam, listen to me. I'm very
entertaining.

I tap dance, tell risque stories.

I do bird calls.

Take me away from all this.

Me could make me a dog.

Adam, don't let me go.

Don't let me go.

Quark, you could make a fortune with
your look.

Beautiful, Quark. Beautiful. I can't
wait to tell Dr. Evans between you and

she needed something like this.

Um, how are you, Quark? My crew was
gassed, I've been pushed out of my ship,

Andy tried to murder me.

Frankly, I've been better.

But do you know what you proved, Quark?
Do you know what you proved? You proved

that man can prevail over machine.

I told you man wasn't obsolete.

Oh, excuse me.

Love you, Tanya.

Happy number 11.

Quark, you're beautiful. And I want you
to know the head and I are very...

Palindrome, does that mean you'll give
me a good assignment now?

What's that, Quark? I'm sorry. We must
have a bad connection. I've got to get

back to the party. Things are going
crazy without me. Palindrome, my next

assignment. Oh, thank you. Thank you for
reminding me.

You're to proceed to Space Station Zork.

They had a number 11 party there you
wouldn't believe, and there are space

baggies everywhere.

But, Palindrome... Gotta go, Quark.

Happy number 11.

Palindrome, wait.

Happy number 11.

Happy number 11 to all.

Born free and life is worth living,

but only worth living.

Thank you.