All language subtitles for quark_s01e03_the_old_and_beautiful

No, you're doing the dance right. It
must be your personality the girls don't

like.

Teach you personality?

You think I can't teach you personality?
It's just something I happen to have.

Good morning, commanders.

Well, shall we see what the head has in
store for us today?

Commanders, your assignments.

Commander Haley, you will undertake a 30
-year mission.

to the planet Java.

Call when you arrive.

Commander Black, you will personally
disarm all of the photon explosive

left by the Gorgons on the planet
Beldar.

I don't believe it.

Commander Black.

Excuse me, sir. Commander Black, you're
going to love Beldar. It's a love.

And Quark, pick up garbage.

And Quark. Here it comes.

You will spend an extended romantic
interlude with a beautiful princess.

Ah, I knew it. The galaxy ad infinitum.

Same.

Wait a minute.

I got a princess.

Hey, hey, hey. I got a princess. Hey,
hey.

I know the slightest breeze can set off
a photon explosive, but you'll survive

somehow. How?

Tiptoe. Oh, God.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. I know you've always
gotten me a good price on ambrosia, and

I'm grateful. But what can I do? The
head gave you the assignment, not me.

Don't take that tone of voice to me,
Commander.

Foundro, the head just gave me a most
fantastic mission. What's the catch?

Quark, I'm not supposed to tell you
this, but the head is thinking of

you. He is?

Yes, and it's all hinging on my
recommendation. And so far, Quark...

very impressed.

Well, give me a chance.

This extended romantic interlude, is it
supposed to be with any particular

princess? I can't tell you that. Well,
where am I supposed to go? There are a

lot of princesses out there.

I'd like to, but it's top secret. You'll
be informed as soon as your ship enters

the Cassier space corridor.

Well, so long, palindrome.

Wish me luck.

Star note.

I got a princess!

Emotionally, I won't feel a thing. It's
strictly a mission, and Betty's...

I mean this from the bottom of my heart.

Whatever happens between me and that
princess happens for the good of the

Galaxy. Do you believe me? No.

Frankly, I've heard better. Andy. It was
a little lame, Commander.

This isn't a group meeting to discuss my
love life. I'm talking to the Bettys.

You could have said no, Adam. Sure, if I
wanted to be selfish.

But I was thinking of you. If I do this
mission right, you, me, all of us are

going to have our own starship.

Our own starship? Thank...

Bettys, I've dreamed about having a
starship all my life. I've dreamed, I've

dreamed, I've dreamed of getting off
this ship all my life. Commander, I'm

to interrupt the most important moment
of your life. Hey, Micus, did you hear

the news? We might be getting rid of
this garbage heap and get some real star

speed. Gene, as I'm a vegeton, I don't
care either way.

Oh, you... Hold me back, Commander. Hold
me back. Gene, I am. I'm holding you.

Oh, uh... Sir, there's a space baggie
dead ahead.

Space baggie?

There isn't a settlement within four
parsecs of here.

Why would there be a space baggie?

Maintain speed.

Maintaining speed, Commander.

Extend claws.

Claws extending.

Now, that's it.

This is a critical period.

Ease it in.

Now, Adam. Contact, sir.

We have a grab, I repeat. We have a
grab.

We have a grab.

Adam, no commander does the grab as well
as you.

I'm proud to be under your command, sir.

Thanks, Gene. We have a problem, sir.
The garbage hatch won't close.

It seems to be jammed. I'll go below and
check on it.

Hey, Space Ranger.

Hey, how you doing, girls?

Oh, hey, hey, hey, I'm a sensitive guy.
I know how you feel. You're worried that

this beautiful princess is going to win
over the commander with her power,

money, and looks?

Think we're overreacting, Gene?

No, not at all. I'd be scared to death.

Thanks a lot, Gene.

Hey, any time you want to talk.

Hey, what do you say, Ficus?

Our own starship, huh? We're going to
have us some times.

Time is a continuum, Gene.

Right, space buddy.

Hey, listen. Let's make sure this
mission goes without a hitch, huh? No

mistakes. Where I come from, we have a
saying about mistakes.

Ergo limprium von inter revoltum.

Yeah. Well, hey, don't go vegeton, you
know?

That was a rough one, but I fixed the
garbage hatch.

Here, Adam, let us help you.

Oh, Adam!

Commander!

You look ten years older.

How could this happen?

What's my condition, Ficus? I've got to
know.

Sir, it would appear you were upset.

That I know. I want to know why I came
out of that hatch ten years older than

when I went down. One explanation might
be you were down there ten years. Ficus,

I was down there five hours.

That would rule out that theory.

I'll have to check my results, but my
assumption is you caught a virus. A

Could I catch that virus? I don't like
viruses, Ficus.

Commander, it's definitely a virus. One
that is aging you at the rate of two

years every hour.

As a matter of fact, you just aged
another year.

Happy birthday, Adam!

Ficus, how did I get this virus?

From that stray space baggie we picked
up. Ficus, you have to find a cure.

Sir? Transmute blood is extremely
resistant to disease.

If we could give you a transfusion of
Gene's blood. Well, I'm going to check

reactors, Commander. I'm with you all
the way.

Gene, you've got to.

I'm not going to connect myself with a
virus. Are you crazy? No way.

It's Adam's life.

I'm not going to do it. I don't want to
be old. I'm too handsome, too strong.

I hate to be so violent.

Gene, wake up.

Oh. Oh, no.

Gene, it's okay.

You can't catch the virus.

Your blood is flowing into me.

My blood is what?

Hold on, Gene.

It's almost done.

Relax, Commander.

Helping others is the part of space I
love.

Commander, I hate to interrupt you in
the middle of a transfusion, but

Palindrome is calling you on the
telescreen.

Palindrome mustn't know about the virus,
Ficus.

I don't need help.

Working with the aged.

Ah, how rewarding.

Hello, palindrome.

Quark, here are your orders.

The baby with the booty brought the body
with the baggie.

Palindrome, I don't know what you're
talking about.

Quark, are you all right? You look a
little tired.

No, no, I'm fine.

Quark, you do this mission right and
that promotion's yours.

Did he say the baby with the baggie, or
was it the body with the booty?

Hmm?

See, the... See,

first means destroy yourself.

The other way means come home randy.

There's a big difference.

Ficus, did you understand anything
Palindrome said?

I did have my back to the screen and was
deeply engrossed in my calculations.

Anything I might say would be purely
conjecture. Maybe I ought to sit down

this.

You are sitting down, sir.

I know that. I'm the commander.

Wing it, Ficus.

Winging it, sir. I would say that the
head has completed a treaty with

Yes, a planet long coveted by the
dreaded Gorgons. Your mission is to

the signing of the treaty by completing
an extended romantic interlude with the

ruler of Camemora, Princess Karna.

I already had an interlude with the
Princess Karna.

How considerate of Palindrome to reunite
you, sir. Yes, yes, yes, yes. The women

of Camemore are known for their
passions.

Camemorian men never live past 25.

Most never survive the honeymoon.

As the human being that you are, you
should enjoy this. Yes, yes, yes, yes,

When I was young and strong, Princess
Karna almost killed me.

What will happen to me in this
condition?

Nothing. Nothing? No. No.

Really?

The transfusion failed.

Failed. Yes.

At the rate you're aging, long before
you reach Princess Karna, you'll be

Dead. Yes.

Star note.

Ficus could use some work on his bedside
manner.

There is another cure.

Oh, let's try it.

If it works, it could kill the virus.
Kill the virus. If it doesn't, it could

kill you. Kill me. Yes.

Now, let me understand this.

You're going to send an electrical
current through my body that will kill

virus.

Ficus, have you ever done this before?

Yes, sir. Good.

On plants to kill black root fungus.

Black root fungus?

I'm not a plant. I'm a human being.

Did you feel pain, sir? No. I was
singing.

Oh, why would one sing?

Ficus, I felt pain.

Good. Then it's working.

Hello, Adam Quark. This is Princess
Karna. Oh, my galaxy. I've requested

the head send you so that I may once
again experience your masculine strength

and power.

As you know, I adore men who possess
such qualities.

All of my late husbands did.

So hurry.

Hurry.

Hurry. Hurry.

If only I could.

Hi, Gene, this is Palindrome.

Hi, how are you? Just fine.

Is Commander Quark there?

We're in the middle of space. Where else
would he be? Just get him for me,

please. Hey, Commander, it's for you.

Hold on, I'll be right with you, Space
Ranger.

I seem to have had a little snag on this
mission.

What snag? And will you move into view?

Quark, look at you. You're so old.

What happened?

I caught this virus.

But how could you do this? What's
Princess Karna going to think?

I'm not going to make it to Princess
Karna. The Gorgons are courting her. If

lose this ally to the Gorgons... We are
working on a cure.

Harkis already tried transfusion and an
electrical process, but it didn't quite

work. Oh, great.

The fate of the Alliance depends upon a
plant curing a virus?

He's a smart plant.

Warwick, I want you to hear this
recommendation I wrote for you.

Uh, sure, Quark is unqualified, but if I
work with him closely, giving him the

benefit of my knowledge, my experience,
my general space savvy, I'm sure I can

pull a starship commander out of the
cocoon of Adam Quark.

That's a wonderful recommendation.

Look like a good recommendation?

Adam, you've got to ingest. You need the
energy.

What is this?

Mashed alkali with soft galactic yeast.
Did you like it?

Too lumpy.

You know, stranger?

Believe this, we finally get a chance
for our own starship and the commander

blows it.

It's not Adam's fault he's dying.

I'm not so sure about that.

Did you lose something?

What was that?

Adam liked it.

You mean the commander ate from...

Flashing before my eyes.

Beating up my first grovulite.

Buying my first dress.

Joining the cadets.

Dating a cadet.

Killing my first gorgon.

Nursing the wounded.

Ah, sure, I've made mistakes.

But the heck with it.

I've got to be us.

Attention, attention.

A fleet of gorgon ships is preparing to
attack. If you need me, forget it.

I'll be on the bridge, Commander. We're
going to get us some Gorgies. Come on,

Bettys.

Sonny. Yes, sir. Who are the Gorgies?

They're our dreaded arch enemy.

Sir, your mind is flipping.

You've got to understand, they'll try
and destroy us.

I understand.

I'm okay.

Oh, Sonny. What is it, sir?

Who are the Gorgies?

Commander. The Gorgons are in range.
Your instructions.

Instructions. Yeah, of course,
instructions.

Set course reading, uh, one, two, seven.

Commander, that'll put us right in their
pocket.

Is that bad?

Does that answer your question?

Madam Fork has never lost a battle.

You there, change course to one -five.

No, make that one -seven.

Commander, you're obviously unfit to
command this ship. I'm taking over.

You are?

Commander, you're not listening to me.
Look at you. You're not capable of

running this ship.

Maybe I'm not.

Sir, our digital scanners reveal that
the Gorgons have just accelerated into

myvenial wilderness magnetor. I guess
when I'm in charge, you're going to talk

like everybody else. You got that?

This young... This young fellow is
right. I'm giving up command for the

of all.

You mean I'm taking over?

If you're taking over, I'm getting off.

No! I may be old, but I'm not crazy.

As the second -ranking officers, the
Bettys are taking command.

What was that about not being crazy?

Those two?

You can't do this to me, Commander. I
ain't taking orders from no clone.

In that case, Gene, you'll take all your
orders from me.

Don't listen to her, Gene.

She's the clone.

Oh, I...

Life is like a fountain, Alex.

My name is not Alex.

Gorgon chip, 9 .5 and closing.

Prepare to fire on lasers.

No, bring up the deflector shield.

Make up your mind.

The only things they can make up are
their faces.

I say shield.

Lasers. Life is like a laser, Alex. Your
mind has slipped.

Gorgon chip, 8 .7 and closing.

This is quite an adventure.

I hate adventure.

Buddy, what are we going to do?

Betty. Alex. Oh, grot. My name is Andy.

Don't swear, Alex.

Sir, take it from Alex. These faceheads
will get us killed.

Your ship is in danger.

My ship?

My crew?

My life? My life, yes!

What's your name?

Bacchus Panderata, sir. You'll get over
that, sailor. Put plan green.

Maneuver DL -17 into effect.

We're about ship 7 .9 are in closing.

Okay, Bettys.

When he gets in range, blast the bucket.

Yes, sir.

Betty, fire.

Got him.

I'm going to miss my Adam when he's
gone.

He was my Adam.

He was my Adam.

No, he wasn't. He was mine.

Fire to fire.

Fire.

Got him.

Good work, Betty. Way to go.

Come on.

Here

comes

Karna. Betty, when you transport me
down, make

it someplace.

Soft and comfortable.

Oh, Adam, you're so brave to face that
awful Princess Karn in your condition.

It's my only chance to command a
starship.

Oh, Adam, I feel so close to you knowing
that in only a matter of minutes you'll

be dead.

Betty, I'll never see you again.

I have to know.

Which one's the clone?

Shit!

My galaxy?

There's an old man in your tub.

Adam, is that you?

Yes, it's me.

And I have to ask you a favor.

Would you sign the treaty?

Adam, for you, I would do anything.

Oh, thank you.

Adam, you've changed.

You're old.

What's that?

I said you're old.

Old, yes, yes. You noticed.

I knew you'd be angry.

Angry with you, Adam.

How can I be angry when I know how
fantastic you are?

Fantastic.

I can't even get out of this tub.

Ladies.

Ladies.

You must

be a little disappointed to find me
older

than you expected.

Oh, Adam, not at all. As a matter of
fact, I find it very exciting.

You find it exciting?

You find it exciting?

I've never spent a romantic interlude
with a man over 25 before.

My luck.

Adam, this is going to be the best
interlude ever.

You may leave.

Thank you.

I meant my handmaidens.

Maybe they'd like to stay a while.

We can play four -handed space rummy.

Oh!

Adam? Uh -huh? Oh,

my galaxy.

Over here.

Be kind.

Well, time to pick up the commander's
bones, Ficus.

You'll be pleased to know that I finally
synthesized the serum to counteract

Commander Quark's virus.

Well, a fat lot of good that's going to
do him now that he's passed on the big

starship in the sky.

This is Princess Karna. Yes, this is
Commander Quark's ship.

Are you ready to transport your
commander?

Yes, just place his body in the clear
area and step back.

Ficus, hit the switch.

All clear.

Oh, Adam! You're not dead!

Very good, Betty. It must have been
terrible down there. You don't know the

of it, but the alliance is secure.

Congratulations, sir. Mission completed.
I knew you could do it. Our own

starship. Please be seated, sir. Phaeton
torpedoes, gamma blasters, ultra -light

speed.

Those Gorgons won't have a chance.

I'm going to call Mom and Dad, Dad and
Mom.

Oh, Adam, you're fantastic.

That's the second time today someone
told me that.

There's hardly a trace of the virus.

Oh? May I ask if while you were on
chamomile, you did anything out of the

ordinary? You could say that. And your
blood pressure, did it increase?

Okay. And your breathing? Very rapid at
times.

Then I would say that your extended
romantic interlude with Princess Karna

brought about changes in your body
chemistry that temporarily reversed the

effect of the virus. Oh.

However, it did not destroy it
altogether.

No. No. No. No. I've still got it. Yes.
Aha.

How do I get rid of it?

There are two possible ways.

Two? Yes.

One is another extended romantic
interlude lasting seven days.

Seven? Yes.

Oh, Adam.

The other is this.

What's this?

That was a serum that I synthesized. Oh.
It should destroy the virus in ten

seconds. Ten? Yes.

Oh, Ficus.

Penny, take us home.

On the way to Camemore to complete my
mission, I was invaded by a virus,

transfused by a transmute, attacked by
gorgons, electrocuted, and nearly died

of old age.

And to think, this was the best
assignment I ever had.