Original subtitles

James Ponderilli.

No.

Robert Wandry.

God, no.

Oh, hi -ho, Joby, Dickby.

Well, it might be, Steph B.

I'll be you both.

We'd be fine.

You early birds looking for worms?

Close. Actors.

We're casting the titular role in the new PIV super series. Oh, baby, Steph

I just acquired the rights to a classic piece of American literature.

Here comes Giddy Goose.

What a coincidence. I did my college thesis on the symbolism in this book.

Here comes Giddy Goose.

Giddy... Giddy Goose.

Giddy... Giddy, giddy goose.

There goes giddy goose.

That is some twist at the end there.

I just love that goose.

See, he comes, he's giddy, and then he goes.

Looks a powder keg of nonstop action and high drama.

Sounds like a nice Saturday morning children's show.

Jojo, this ain't no Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

I'm birthing this bird on Sunday to lead in for Vermont today.

Michael, I don't think a goose show will attract the same audience as my talk

show. Well, a little goosing is just what your show needs.

Meanwhile, could the casting director take five minutes and maybe get us some

breakfast?

Just pray your eight -by -ten glossy never crosses my desk.

This is Regis Draymond.

Oh, it is.

Remember when we saw his Petruchio in the park?

Good God, I hope he was erected.

No, he was applauded.

He is an actor's actor.

Well, this chap may have stammered some pentameter, but can he portray a

barnyard animal?

I think the man who captured the madness of Richard III can somehow capture the

giddiness of a goose.

Okay, I'll read him, but a tad burrows, he ain't.

What? No gasps of recognition?

He may not have played this Pinocchio you rave about, but this actor's actor

graced every major dinner theater in Arizona and Florida.

See, we only go to dinner theaters in Colorado and Utah.

Well, he did do Owl and the Pussycat with Donna Pascal.

Well, then he has aviary experience, assuming...

He played the owl.

I will mock if you must, but serious dinner theater goers everywhere break

wild applause at the mere mention of Tad Burroughs. Oh, Tad Burroughs!

Will you ever forget his barefoot in the park with Peggy Cass?

He was masterful. And the roast beef was exquisite.

Does Tad still have a shot at giddy? Well, he's my fave, though Picky Dicky

is pushing some Regis Draymond.

Never heard of him.

Has he ever performed opposite Donna Pascal?

No, but he has played opposite Glenda Jackson and Vanessa Redgrave.

Like who's ever heard of those broads?

This, uh, resume reads a little skimpy, Steve.

Well, uh, up till now I've been...

Honing my craft, first at Juilliard, then at the Actors' Playhouse, and for

last few years at the Royal Academy.

Let's cut to the chase.

Have you played a goose?

Uh,

no.

But I did understudy Thumper the Rabbit in Disney on Ice.

Impressive, but a skating bunny does not a giddy goose make.

Try the line, Stevie.

Hey, hey, hey, kids, here comes the next cartoon!

Too, uh, too bunnyish.

Honk for me, Stevie, honk.

Honk! You call that a honking goose?

Well, I grew up in New York. The best I can do is a honking cab.

Thank you.

Honk! Hit the trail, thumper.

Be prepared to humiliate yourself.

I always am.

Oh, I hope you're not here to grovel for the goose part, Dick Burns.

No, I'm not. If you don't mind, I'd like to sit in during Regis' audition. I

mean to think that one of the world's greatest living actors is sitting right

out there in the lobby.

You want to sit in the next piece of meat?

Oh, Mr.

Draymond, I'm Dick Loudon. I think that you are so, so, uh, good.

You, sir, are exceedingly perceptive.

You're schmoozing the wrong schmojo.

Cast your line in this direction.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, kids!

Here comes the next cartoon!

I keep

asking myself, are American kids really ready for

a limey honker? I think not.

Trust me, Regis, you're too good for this.

All right, you are.

But television pales in comparison to the grandeur of the theater.

I want to be Ziggy!

I want to be Ziggy!

Send in the fabulous Tad Burroughs, por favor.

I'm Michael Harris, CEO and VP of PIV.

This is my little helper, Dick.

He, uh, he likes to watch.

You must be some talent, a spearhead, a media empire at your age. Now, this is

what I call schmoozing.

Now, Tad, ray your resume. I see you've had one stellar career in the chow and

bow circuit, which leads us to the burning question. I know, Ken.

Tad Burroughs play a talking goose.

Weave your spell on us.

Hey, kids.

Here comes the next cartoon.

Hulk Hulk!

Genius. I mean, for a nanosecond, I actually thought there was a goose in

room.

Well, better be careful where we walk.

Dickers, we found our giddy. Now, all we have to do is parade you past our prez.

Oh, I love a parade.

Honk! Ted, right now our prezzie is knocking back a bottle and then has to

a nap.

Oh, to be that rich.

Actually, my six -month -old Spriglet owns the station. But not to worry.

do flippies over you.

Honk! Honk! Honk! Oh, come on. Honk with us.

Honk!

All done?

Finished your book yet?

No. See, honey, Gord Vidal's latest novel is about 800 pages longer than

Comes Giddy Goose.

Did you know Tad Burroughs played that dancing distributor cap in that Spark

Plug commercial?

Oh, I guess versatility is Tad's middle name.

No, it's Jerome.

Evening, everyone.

Hi. Or should I say, honk, honk.

Oh, I feel so much better after my nap. You know, George, the mattress reminded

me of my mother's mashed potatoes.

You mean soft and fluffy?

Nope. I mean hard and lumpy.

Hey, Michael, do you have any?

Pat, allow me to introduce my spouse and spawn.

Mother, Goose.

Papoose. Well,

wing it, Giddy -to -be.

Hey, kids.

Here comes the next cartoon.

That gurgle guarantees it. I hereby proclaim that Tad Burroughs is Giddy

Would you like to hold your new employer?

I'd love to.

I've never seen the baby take to a stranger's home. She usually spits up on

Dick.

One more thing, Dicketing.

On this week's Vermont Today, you'll be introducing our giddy to the world.

Gore Vidal is my scheduled guest. I've spent the whole week reading his book,

his unbelievably long book.

Well, Stephanie made me Vito Vidal the second she found out it wasn't Sassoon.

Well, maybe if your Gore guy knew something about hot oil treatment.

I believe that baby's cooing.

You've been around babies before.

Weren't you the Papa Pimento in that olive commercial?

Oh, no, no, no, that was Regis Draymond.

That's the damn pimento I ever saw.

But I do have a son named Michael. Michael Burroughs, that's a manly

Oh, no, you see, Burroughs is my stage name.

My real name is Harris.

Hey, cool, your son and I have the same name.

Hello, son.

This can't be true.

I'm afraid it is, son. Stop calling me son. This man's an imposter. He's a wolf

in goose clothing.

Look, I'm not surprised you didn't recognize me. I mean, after all, we

seen each other in over 30 years.

I thought you said your father was blown to bits by the Red Baron in a cat fight

over Germany.

That's dog fight, kitten.

I believe the Red Baron was World War I.

You were born in the 50s.

That means your mother would have been in labor 35 years.

Maybe I liked it in there.

Look, I know that there's a lot for you to take in, but I am your father, and I

have proof.

You have a small birthmark in the shape of a mandolin on your left buttock.

He does?

He sure does.

See, I was birdwatching by Johnny Cake Creek last summer with a pair of high

-powered binoculars, and I just happened to see Michael skinny -dipping.

Oh, my God, I was there, too.

And you don't have a blemish on you.

Does she, Dick?

I was busy watching the woodpeckers.

You know, Michael, there is a certain resemblance between the two of you.

I mean, the hair, the height, the honk.

Well, maybe, just maybe, you could have sowed the seed that sired me, sir.

But if you did, where were you during my wonder years?

Look, your mom and I were... We were just married with a newborn baby.

But I was an actor. What could I do? I was...

Forced to travel from town to town, playing bit parts in lousy, rat

dinner theaters.

Gosh, you make it sound so glamorous.

And then, then I got my big break.

The lead in Life with Father at the Aurora Borealis Dinner Theater in Nome,

Alaska.

Look, I was planning to come back to you and your mom after a four -week run,

but... Well, my reviews were so good, I just couldn't leave. And then we were

extended another 15 years.

Well, those pipeline workers really love good theater.

Yeah, well, I'm sure there's no place like Nome.

But while you were the toast of the tundra, Mom and I were eating stale

rolls made soggy by our tears.

Well, I don't know about you fellas, but I sure could go for a nice tossed

salad.

We just had dinner.

I'll put bacon bits on it.

Why did God make me so weak?

Michael.

Save your breath, Ticocrates.

I'm too upset for one of your act mature and be forgiving speeches.

I was just going to say, your fly is open.

Why did you have to come here and shatter our gingerbread lives?

You, you thespian.

Look, I'm sorry, I...

I was only trying to put the family back together again.

I saw your mom. I spoke to her. She told me where to find you.

Then she told me where to go.

I'll save the soft pedal. You just wanted the goose gig.

Ah, stuff the goose.

I only came back to see you and your daughter and your knockout of a charming

wife. You know, Michael, there's something about this guy I like.

Look, mistakes, I've made a few.

But then again, not too few to mention.

Can't you ever find it in your heart to forgive me? As far as I'm concerned, my

father's body was ripped apart by enemy bullets and eaten by German dingoes.

And I want to preserve that beautiful memory.

Oh, well, I'll just go pack my trunk and head back to Nome.

They love me there, you know.

Michael, say something.

Wait.

Let's face it, you may have laid an egg as a father, but you're still one hell

of a goose.

You mean you're not going to fire me?

No, but I'm cutting your salary in half and giving you a very small dressing

room.

I'll do you proud, son.

I mean, sir.

Like father, like son.

Glad I had a girl.

Michael, I just saw Ted coming out of the broom closet.

You mean his dressing room.

It's only temporary, just until Bud gets out of the third stall.

Well, that could be a while. He borrowed my Gore Vidal.

Michael, uh...

You know, there are going to be kids watching.

Tad won't be going on about his personal problems, will he? Oh, relax, Dick. The

man's a pro.

What you'll be getting is one big goose.

Hi, Michael.

We just came by to see if that goose still had you down.

This is no time for fun puns, huh?

In five, four, three, two... And now... It's Vermont Today, starring

Dick Loudon.

Hi, and welcome to Vermont Today. I'm your host, Dick Loudon.

Today we have a special surprise for all you Gore Vidal fans.

You can turn off your TV and keep plowing through his book.

Because he's not here.

Instead, call the kids in from outside and get ready to meet WPIV's newest

Here comes Giddy Goose.

You want to wish me good luck, son? I'm not your son. I'm your boss and you're

my bird.

Hey, Dick.

Thanks for having me on your show.

My pleasure, Mr.

Goose. Or should I call you Giddy?

Whatever. You don't... You don't seem too, you know, giddy. I've been having

some personal problems, Dick.

Look, giddy, I was assured that you wouldn't be talking about... Well, you

I've got this son.

You mean... You mean your... Your guselet.

Right.

Anyway, he hates my guts.

See, I've just been getting so involved in my own career.

flying most of my life from one dinner theater to the next. You mean bird

sanctuaries? Yeah, that's right.

One week it was Norman, is that you?

Next week it was Natalie Needs a Nightie.

Man, I sure played some toilets.

You mean bird baths?

Yeah, sure.

Boy, I never knew the Giddy character had so much subtext.

Oh, it's all there in the book.

You just have to read between the lines.

I don't know. I just began to hate myself.

I started chain -smoking, and then I was downing generic brand gin, which did a

real number on my liver.

You mean you're pate.

My life was one stinking, drinking

hell.

You might, uh...

You might want to send those kitties back outside.

You know, not a day went by I didn't think of my wife and my little goose.

I heard that he got married and had his own goose. All I wanted to do was just

see her.

You can understand why a goose would want to take a gander at his baby grand

goose.

Well, sure, it's only human.

So I came back home, my tail feathers between my legs.

Oh, Dick, why won't he let me back into his mess?

Why? Why?

Why? Why?

Why? Why?

So,

uh, what kind of cartoons will you be showing?

Holy analogies, I get it. It took the wisdom of a goose to make me see how

he loves me.

Oh, Cuppy Tad's my dad.

Fly to him, Michael.

Fly to him.

I forgive you, my fine -feathered father.

to see more of Giddy and his gaggle of merry gooselets.

Tune in every Sunday before Vermont Today.

This is Dick Loudon.

Ah, what the hell.

Hello. Hi, my name's Vernon Wilson.

What can I do for you, Vern?

I'm estranged from my son, too.

Did I mention we're both chipmunks?