All language subtitles for newhart_s08e21_dick_and_tim

Have you guys seen the tweezers?

Eyebrows getting a bit bushy there,
George?

My eyebrows are perfectly arched.

I've had this splinter in my finger for
three days now.

I know wood could be dangerous, but you
always figure it's something that's

going to happen to the other guy.

Hi -dee -ho, my duo does.

How's my ailing woodsman? Still sporting
lumber in that limb?

Yes, and thanks for caring.

Dick doesn't seem to give a damn.

I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember
what I taught you about fake

compassion? No, I remember your lesson
on insincere compliments.

By the way, you're my reason for living.

Thank you.

He hopes that finger splint won't cause
you to sprint from tonight's tent.

Oh, nothing can keep me away from one of
our poker games. You guys...

Play poker? What time do you start?
Three in the morning.

Perfect. I usually get up at two.

Actually, we start at nine, though we
usually get there at eight for an hour

man talk.

I've heard their man talk.

They argue about who makes the best dip.

There's no argument.

Some people are reckless when it comes
to adding dill.

Well, you're out of your avocado.

My dill dip is to die for.

It can't have that effect.

Girl, save it for your game, okay?

So, you have room for another player?
Well, we already have six. There's me

Michael, Larry, Daryl, Daryl, and Tim
Conway.

Tim Conway? The Tim Conway? You wouldn't
be so impressed if you tasted his dip.

I've said to him over and over, Tim, go
easy on the paprika.

How do you guys know Tim Conway? All the
Daryls know him from when they were

producing the Carol Burnett show.

I can't believe that you guys never told
me about this poker game.

You know, I bet Tim and I would be good
friends, you know. I mean, we both have

a kind of offbeat sense of humor, and we
both like paprika.

No, we don't think you should play with
us, Dick.

You know how weird you get around
superstars.

George, I think you're confusing me with
Lucy Ricardo.

Besides,

I make a dip that is so zesty, the night
that I served it to Joanna, she agreed

to marry me.

See you at eight. Use lots of dill.

See you at eight.

Don't use any dill.

Where are you going?

Oh, I'm going to make my special dip so
I can play cards tonight.

You're making our dip for someone else?

Well, it won't exactly be our dip
because there won't be an engagement

the bottom of the bowl.

Hello, Stephanie.

Joanna. Hi, Miss Goddard. I'm not here
in my professional capacity as town

librarian. I'm here as a depressed woman
who needs to talk to someone about her

feelings.

Well, I pride myself on being a good
listener, but only when I'm the topic of

conversation.

See ya.

I need two people to hear my emotional
outpouring.

I have a lot of guts to spill.

Well, as long as you say it pretty like
that.

Well, today is my 25th birthday, and I
don't have a date.

It's the first time this has happened
since I was six.

I went on this hayride with Billy
Miller.

He was six also.

Yet he had the body of an eight -year
-old.

Anyway, you can see why I'm depressed.

You're only 25?

Yes.

Does that surprise you?

Nope. Not at all. The fact that I'm
still talking proves I'm not speechless.

Lou, my auto mechanic friend, was
supposed to take me out tonight, but at

last minute his wife put her foot down.

Some wives can be so possessive.

Until now, I've never been without a man
in my life.

My dance card's always been full, so to
speak.

In fact, there have been weekends when
my dance card has become all sweaty from

overuse.

There's no law that says you have to
spend your birthday with a man.

Yeah, why not spend it with Stephanie
and me?

Or better still, why not spend it with
just Joanna?

Come on, Stephanie, it'll be fun. The
three of us having birthday cake

champagne, a little girl talk.

Maybe we'll even tell some off -color
jokes.

I guess there are worse ways to spend an
evening than telling dirty jokes with

two pitiful women.

Now, what can this be?

There are no moving parts.

Is it doilies? No, not doilies either.

So, we've eliminated a brick of wax, a
box of rye crisp, and doily.

And you did say it was something I would
like, but it doesn't resemble a body

part.

What can this be?

Oh, why don't you just open it like a
normal person?

I thought we were trying to have fun.

I guess I was mistaken.

Oh,

a book.

A librarian can never get her fill of
these.

Good going, Joanna.

When my birthday comes, think gift
certificate.

Well, we didn't come here to insult each
other. We didn't?

Oh, we came to celebrate Miss Goddard's
birthday and have an evening of girl

talk.

Ah, let's make a list of the sexiest
male movie stars.

Right on top would have to be Sean
Connery, oh yeah. I mean, even without

this guy is gorgeous.

Sean, I got your news.

I got your news.

Sometimes it isn't easy to hide a
hickey.

Tried everything.

Makeup, a band -aid, a leather collar
with metal studs.

I think I have to add John Goodman to
the list. He might be a little chunky,

he is so cuddly.

John?

Hi, Miss Goddard.

Ted, this is a surprise.

A very pleasant surprise.

You know, Lou felt bad about standing
you up, so he sent me in his place. You

want a massage?

Neither of us can take our clothes off
here.

If you like, you may sit next to me, but
you mustn't try anything.

Oh, okay.

Will you just say the word?

I'll be all over you like rust on a
muffler.

Now, where were we?

Well, I was talking about sexy actors.
Stephanie was grabbing the baby's nose.

And I believe you were saying something
about a hickey.

Oh, a sudden kink in my neck.

Here, let Ted work his magic.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Lovely party,

Joanna.

It really tastes great.

So crispy. You know, you don't actually
need anything with them. Just plain

as... You know, I couldn't help but
notice no one has touched my dip.

Yours truly took a taste test earlier,
Dikitos.

And I must say, dippity -doo -dah,
dippity -doo -doo.

My brothers and I couldn't get close
enough for a taste due to the blinding

smell.

Tim's here.

I'd recognize the sound of that battered
old Hugo anywhere.

Oh, right, right. Tim Conway drives a
Hugo.

That's a good one, George.

All

right,

I'm late, guys.

Took the long way so I wouldn't have to
pay the toll.

You know, if you can save a quarter by
cutting across somebody's backyard, why

not, huh?

Who's the guy laughing at the straight
lines?

That's, uh... That's Dick Loudon. He
promised he'd behave.

Hi. Tim, I'm a big, big fan of yours. I
think I've seen everything you've ever

done. Really? Oh, yeah.

Did you see my TV series, Rango?

No.

Turn on.

No.

Some fan.

What died and became dipped?

Dick made that. Daryl thinks it's a
derivative of mustard gas.

Let's get going here, huh?

You know, I spent $3 in gas to get over
here, so the sooner I win it back, the

sooner I'll stop shaking.

Okay, everybody, let's 80 up your 10
-cent pieces.

Oh, by the way, Daryl now considers
bluffing to be a sin, so he'll

be engaging in self -flagellation.

All right, everybody, show Pappy what
you got.

Hold it.

Pappy, what happened to raising?

These aren't matchsticks we're playing
for. These are real dimes.

Raising is verboten in this casino.
Where do you think you are, fabulous

Laughlin, Nevada?

Well, what kind of game is it if you
can't raise?

What are we playing, remedial poker?

Okay, okay, okay. Let him raise, all
right? I mean, what's it going to cost

Another nickel?

Actually, a quarter.

Quarter? Oh, boy.

That's it. I'm out of here. Oh, yeah.

Yes, sir. You've got yourself a gambling
problem here, mister. Yes, sir.

You ought to get professional help.

I'm gone, boys. Yes, sir.

Tim, please don't go.

No, no. Oh, no.

My little change purse is not safe as
long as he's still breathing.

Dick, stop breathing. You're ruining
things for everyone else.

Sure cheap place in town to eat here,
boys.

Danny's Diner out on Route 14.

You can get a whole meal for under $3.

Oh. Maybe I'll just have the soup.

All I did was raise a quarter.

Oh, how could we have told Dick about
this game?

It was the promise of dip that clouded
our thinking.

The only bright spot I can find is that
it wasn't my loose -lipped brothers who

spilled the proverbial beans.

Any chance they get to make that
gesture, they take advantage of it.

The last time seemed gratuitous.

Why am I getting all the blame?

I mean, you have to admit that Tim
Conway is a bit on the...

the cheap side.

Stop trying to pass the buck, bucko.
Everything was a hunk of dory till you

walked into the party and watched
yourself gavotte.

Watch myself what?

Can't help you there. Don't know what it
means either.

All I know is Tim Conway came here every
Saturday for over a year and life was

good. Then along came Dick.

All right, all right. If you want, I'll
go to Denny's Diner and apologize to Tim

for raising in poker.

Good, good idea. Tell him you did it
because you're a co -dependent.

It's supposedly the very latest in
excuses.

Here's your hot water. Thank you.

Sure you don't want a meal with that?

No, no, no. No, thank you.

Oh, excuse me. Here you go.

Let's see.

That's for you.

What's this?

It's your tip.

I thought you could get a half a penny
for it down at the recycling center.

Gee, thanks.

Can I get you anything else, Mr.

Aluminum Tycoon?

Oh, I'll tell you what. Could I have a
slice of lemon, please?

Better yet, bring me a whole lemon.

And any complimentary fruit in season?

And some of those packages of jellies
and jams.

And the mustards and the ketchups. Okay?
And some artificial sweeteners.

Don't forget.

Oh, they're here. Never mind. I got
them.

Hi, Tim.

Oh, yeah.

You're that card shark that tried to
steal my money over there, huh?

I'm, uh... I'm sorry. Sorry about that.
You know, sometimes when I look at a

quarter, I forget that it, you know, it
represents, uh... 25 cents.

Oh, my God!

My tea bag!

Oh. It's all right. It's okay.

Boy,

I've had that since October.

Excuse me, Mr.

Conway, can I get your autograph?

Will you buy me a cup of soup?

Hey, I'll buy you a bowl.

Yeah, all right.

Yo, hey.

Bring me a bowl of soup, will you
please? Yeah.

And throw a lobster in it, will you?
Yeah.

And he's paying.

Okay, here you go.

Thanks.

My wife wants to know if you're anybody.

Well, I am the host of Vermont Today.

He's nobody.

Here you go.

Here's your soup, your lobster, and your
condiments. Oh, great.

Bon appetit. Great. Oh, here, here,
here, here you go.

Here you go. Here's a copy of my latest
video, Dorf Hunts the Great White

Minnow. There you go.

Gee, thanks.

Yeah. Uh, excuse me. It's 30 bucks.

Go to hell.

Right.

Isn't there anything I can do to keep
you coming back to the game?

Well, you can buy me that apple pie over
there.

Now, wait. Let me get this straight. If
I buy you that apple pie, you'll come

back to playing poker?

That pie is $8.

Uh, miss?

Yeah, you want to wrap up that pie for
our friend here?

Uh -huh. I'm paying.

Hey, you probably want to buy them out
of my videos here, though. $30.

Go to hell. Right.

You know, one reason I wanted to meet
you is because, well, you know, you have

kind of a... You have kind of an offbeat
sense of humor, and, you know, we just

have... so much in common, you know, I
thought we might, you know, we might

become friends.

Oh, boy.

Okay, why don't you just hold that
thought, okay? I have to go to the

offbeat comedian's room.

Say, listen, buddy, could I borrow a
dime for the pay toilet?

You know, I'll pay you back next week
when we get together and talk about

friends. Oh, sure.

What friend, you know, would let his
friend...

crawl under a stall. Aw, thank you so
much. And listen, FF, if I don't see you

in the future, I'll see you in the
pasture.

That's a good one, Tim. That's very
funny.

I think I'll laugh until the cows come
home.

Goodbye.

That'll be $8.

Cash only. No videotapes.

There you go.

Do your restrooms have pay toilets?

Yeah, why?

You doing a survey?

No, no. I just wanted to find out if our
friend is trying to rip me off.

My keys.

My keys.

Tim's stealing my car.

Tim Conway.

There's a speaker in my house!

Minds me, sweetie, tomorrow we're going
to the zoo.

Well, we'll be turning in now, Joanna.

Thank you for inviting us to your party.
We had a wonderful time.

Those are called insincere compliments.

We use them on Joanna a lot.

Happy birthday, Miss Goddard.

I hope I made my point about not needing
a man to have fun.

When our guests come down for breakfast,
just throw a blanket over yourselves.

that Tim Conway stole my

car.

You two wouldn't want to buy some pie,
would you?