Original subtitles

How's your cold doing, George?

What cold?

Never mind.

Stephanie, if you lowered your arm, something might actually get clean.

It would also cause dust to fly, which is unhealthy for my baby.

You really don't think things through, do you, Joanna?

Hail, hail, apple and apple -let of my eye.

Here, Jojo, louden up.

This cook has concocted a tasty new way to serve up your TV shows.

I'm salivating in anticipation.

I'm flip -flopping your time slots. From now on, ye will be on before ye, you

see? Is that a plan or what?

See, the thing about a plan is usually, you know, it has, like, a purpose.

Really, huh?

All you people ever talk about is television.

Everyone in my world is obsessed with TV.

I'm not.

Well, you're also not part of my world, George.

Oh, okay.

You're on the fringe.

Surf suppers, coppers. I just had a tidal wave of an idea. Oh, let me take a

wild guess.

You're flip -flopping our time slots again?

Possibly, possibly.

But right now, my notion's to give my Huffin' Muffin a show of her own.

My own TV show?

Where I'll be the center of attention and people will write me fan mail I'll

never answer?

Oh, use a phone letter. You know, it's just as impersonal.

True.

Michael, I don't know if I can do a show like Dick's or Joanna's.

Actually, it's not as hard as it looks.

No, I mean I want to do something good.

Something that would affect people, that would change the world.

How about it?

A sitcom.

Yes!

Now, with me writing, producing, and directing this thing, how could it fail?

Easy with you writing, producing, and directing this thing.

Michael, have you ever done a sitcom before?

Nay, Joanna, I have not.

But I have seen every episode of every sitcom ever created, except for that

Brady Bunch where Mr. Brady buys the kids a pool table.

So, um, who else is going to be in this sitcom of yours?

No one. Just me. That's all. Nobody else.

Yeah, Joe. Other characters would just get in the way.

Being an aficionado of the form, I must point out that every successful sitcom

needs a good stooge. That's true. You need a goofball. A doofus.

Someone so thick, he always misses the point.

Is that right? Is that even what we're talking about?

I could play a doofus.

I'm not afraid to look silly.

as you're demonstrating right now.

Excuse my sexism, Broadway Jojo, but the best stooges are men.

The paragon being the incomparable Don Knotts. Hey, what about Dick for the

stooge? Doesn't WPIV have you on one of those deals where you have to do

everything they say? I don't know what you're talking about.

See, he's a natural.

Yes!

Thanks, George.

By the way, you're no longer part of my world.

Who needs your world? I'm on Stephanie's fringe.

You know, I also have an overall deal at the station.

Maybe I could play Stephanie's best friend.

Excuse us.

No. A best friend is someone you'd borrow clothes from. I mean, come on.

Shazam. We'll throw Joanna a bone.

She'll play my dog.

An even better part. An even smaller part.

Congratulations, Joanna. You are now part of my sitcom family. Of course, you

might have to memorize the lines. I can do it. I can do it. Dick, I might have a

line. Oh, that's nice. Let's hope it's a funny one. Yeah.

So, writer, producer, director, when can we shoot my sitcom? Well, let's see. I

still have to come up with a premise, write the script, have sets built.

Hire a crew. What, two days?

Quality takes time.

Look, it's Jody. No, it's Judy.

We're seeing double.

Teenage twins are double duty.

We're seeing double.

Since their mom drowned in a lake.

Dad has taught his girls to bake.

Ever eats bologna cake.

It's really gross.

What mischief you twins get into Twice the trouble

We're seeing double Aren't you?

I wonder which of my 15 -year -old identical twin

daughters, Judy or Jody, did this to me.

Their father, Henry Bumper.

Hi, Daddy.

All right, which one of you twins cut a hole in my paper?

Uh -oh.

Jody, I thought so.

I knew it couldn't have been Jody. She's my little bookworm.

Jody's my little troublemaker.

Come on, Daddy.

Don't cause that much trouble.

Whoops.

Okay, Daddy, I cut up your paper, and I'm sorry, especially since today's your

35th birthday and also the anniversary of our mommy's death in that freak

fishing accident.

Cheer up, twins. Remember, your mother's in a better place now.

You mean the bottom of Lake Titicaca?

No, on the shores of... Lake Heaven.

Where no one ever gets tangled in fishing line.

Oh, Daddy.

You're the swellest.

Well, Judy, we'd better get back into that kitchen and start dinner. Before

Daddy finds out I used his brand new pipe to blow soap bubbles.

Hey, Smitty, seen any hunks lately?

Yeah, the mailman.

What a hunk.

I'd like to give him a special delivery.

Smitty, I have a problem.

Sounds serious, Hank.

What is it?

Irregularity.

Also the twins.

Jody's a prankster and Judy's a bookworm.

I'm sure I wouldn't have these problems if their mother, Harriet, were still

alive.

Gosh, I miss her so.

What you need is a chick, a mother hen for the girls, and someone finger

-licking good for you.

Come on, Smitty. What woman would give these graying temples a second look?

Hey, just do it. my hunk boyfriends do.

Dye your hair jet black.

All right, I'll do it.

Tonight I'm going to die.

My hair.

Oh, Judy, I just heard the most terrible thing. Our daddy's going to die

tonight.

The Indouble will be back on the double.

And now, back to The Indouble.

Oh, I know that look. You're thinking

maybe I didn't hear Daddy right.

Well, maybe I've done that before.

Like the time I thought David Letterman was coming.

Because I overheard Daddy tell Smitty, guess who's coming to visit?

David.

I know if I hadn't jumped to conclusions and had waited for Daddy to finish his

sentence, I would have learned it wasn't David Letterman coming, but David

Smith, an old family friend.

But this time's different. You gotta believe me. You just gotta.

Oh, you do believe me. You do.

So, what now, sis?

We can't just ignore this thing and hope it'll disappear like Jimmy Hoffa,

Amelia Earhart, Judge Crater, and the comedy team of Wayne and Schuster.

Oh, you think we should pray.

Good idea. Now, where's that damn, I mean darn, prayer book?

In the pantry, of course. You always know where everything is. You're so

organized, not bubble -headed like me.

Is this it, Judy?

No, Jody, that's Daddy's bottle of scotch.

Oh, here's the book, Jody.

Hey, this isn't the prayer book. It's my diary, and someone's been reading it.

Jody bumped her.

Okay, you're forgiven.

Now let's pray to God.

Dear God, You took our mommy. Please don't take our daddy, too.

Also, could you lend a helping hand to all our brothers and sisters in

countries? Thank you. Amen.

We should do something special for daddy tonight. After all, it is his birthday

and he's dying.

What's his favorite thing in the whole wide world?

No, Jody, it used to be fishing.

Now it's eating cream pie.

And we're going to make him the best one ever.

And could you try to be a little less messy this time?

Okay, maybe I didn't think when I put the firecracker in the mix master.

Twin daughters, it's me, Henry Bumpter, your father.

Daddy's home.

hope I didn't goof up the recipe and put detergent instead of flour in that pie.

Boy, I'd love to give that hug -hug in the old Smitty's slam.

Hey, no hair dye.

Smitty's number six. You want chicks, you can't chicken out.

I don't need any hair dye anymore. At the drugstore, I met the most beautiful

pharmacist.

You think Morris Fishbein is beautiful?

Well, I'll be a giant turkey.

I'm not talking about Morris. I'm talking about his daughter.

Her name is Harriet.

Just like my late wife, Harriet.

Well, did you ask this Harriet out for a little ha -cha -cha?

Didn't have to. She asked me out.

Where are you taking this chick -a -roonie?

To a costume ball.

I'm going as the 35 -year -old father of 15 -year -old twin girls.

Either that or as a giant rutabaga.

And Harriet, the pharmacist?

She'll be going as a grim reaper.

She'll be here at 7 to pick me up.

So what you're saying is the Grim Reaper is coming for you at 7 o 'clock.

Or to put it another way, I'm going to see Harriet tonight.

Well, I guess I'll go over to the gym and pump iron.

Iron's the name of the stud who runs the juice bar.

Twin daughters, I'm going to my room now.

I can't believe

what you just told me. That the Grim Reaper is coming for Daddy at 7 o

Uh -oh, the Grim Reaper is early.

Maybe if we're quiet, he'll think no one's home.

And go away.

How ironic.

Jody knocked over the urn that contains Mother's ashes.

Oh, great.

Now the Grim Reaper knows we're here.

Oh, you have a scheme?

Okay, you go in the kitchen and get the you -know -what. I'll stall the Grim

Reaper.

Is that... you, Grim Reaper?

Why, yes, it is.

Uh, we already gave at the lake.

Jody, are you ready yet?

Okay, on three.

One.

Looks like the Grim Reaper got his just dessert.

Judy, Judy, why did you just throw a detergent pie in Harriet's face?

Harriet, you know the Grim Reaper by name, and it's a woman, man, oh, man.

The Grim Reaper was my date.

We were going to a costume ball.

What must have happened was you misinterpreted what you heard earlier

thought I was dying, when actually I was just going to dye my hair

so I could meet a nice woman.

Oh, Daddy, we're sorry we jumped to conclusions.

We were afraid of losing you like we lost Mommy.

Oh, my twins.

You'll never lose me.

Sure, I may have a few gray hairs, which get even grayer the more you two pull

your teenage shenanigans.

But heck, I'm only 35.

I'm going to be your father for years to come.

Oh, my twins.

I love you so.

Oh, Daddy, we love you so, too.

Look at here, man -draving...

committee with big news.

Me and Iron are getting hitched.

out these ratings, Dick Sabso.

Through the shingles, those couch potatoes were glued to their tubers.

Those couch potatoes have IQs of spuds.

There they are.

There's the cast of Seeing Double.

Not me. I'm just a Seeing Double groupie. The Seeing Double production

said I'd find you here.

You played the irrepressible Jody.

And you were Henry the mean, spirited father.

And you were the Grim Reaper.

That's right.

You recognized me.

Hey, where's that Judy the bookworm?

Oh, she's in the kitchen cleaning up another one of Jody's messes.

Right.

Actually, my extraordinary talents allowed me to play both parts.

Nobody is that good.

Well, maybe nobody you know.

And you, you're Michael Harris.

Tell me, has anyone ever used the word genius to describe you?

I have.

Well, listen, my name is Brendan Stublerg, and I'm here from... Network

Brendan Stublerg?

Then you're the genius.

Oh, no, no, you are. Oh, I can't take credit for anything.

Boys, boys, boys.

By TV standards, you're both geniuses.

Good point, Bumter.

Anyway, when I get back to the coast, I want to order 13 episodes of Seeing

Double for the fall season.

I think you're on our way, guys.

Of course, we'll have to dump the Bumter.

Too mean -spirited for prime time.

Grat.

We can kill him off in another freak fishing accident and have Smitty and her

iron chap raise the twins.

Genius. Genius. No, you are. You are the true genius. No, really, you are the

true genius.

Must be the President of the United States.

Probably wants to put Judy and Jody on Mount Rushmore.

Hello?

What do you think my chances are for an Emmy?

Oh, the buzz around Tinseltown is you're a shoo -in.

I thought so. I just wanted to reconfirm the obvious.

That was your network.

There was a shake -up back there. Your secretary staged a coup, and you're

out.

Damn! And I was only there a week.

Wait, wait, wait a minute.

What about seeing double?

After I down a few stiff -light beers, I'll be seeing triple.

Ciao.

Well, there goes my dream of a Grim Reaper Christmas special.

All's not grim, Grim.

So we're not going net worth. Well, by gum, we'll just stay here and be the

local sitcom the state of Vermont's ever seen.

No, Michael. I think I should put my show on hiatus for a while.

This TV business is too unstable for a beautiful young mother like me.

But rest assured, those dazzling twin jewels, Judy and Jody, will live on in

heart forever.

It's all right, Joanna.

You'll always be the Grim Reaper in my life.

I'd rather die.

Now, stay tuned as Barry Livingston guest stars on The Dick Van Dyke Show,

on Nick at Night.