Original subtitles

Joanna, would you step on it? I have to be at the studio in 15 minutes.

I fixed the furnace and re -insulated the pipes.

It's always fun to see how many chores I can squeeze in while Joanna does her

makeup.

It's always been a gas for me, too, George.

Hey, Georgie, our mini -muffinet had another milestone.

She sucked my finger.

And before that, she spit up.

Both momentous events.

Boy, I'm never around when history is made.

When Brooke Shields did her first Bob Hope Easter special, I was stuck in a

donut shop waiting for the buttermilks to come out of the oven.

You missed a very funny Peter Cottontail sketch.

Damn, damn, damn.

Hello, Stephanie.

Henry!

Henry Tashman, one of Mommy and Daddy's jaded lawyers.

Gentlemen. Henry's in charge of my clothing farm.

So, what brings you up from Rhode Island?

Your parents wanted to give your precious baby a gift, so they bought a

property for her.

Why? There's nothing worth buying around here.

Dick found out the hard way.

Yeah, a good stiff wind, and we're under a mountain of matchsticks.

Is that true, or is it a joke?

It's a joke.

And not a very good one.

Then why humiliate yourself needlessly?

Dick has this pathetic need to be the center of attention.

So what worthless piece of property is baby Steffi stuck with?

Your baby is now the sole owner of the local TV station WPIV.

WPIV?

I talked your parents out of buying her CBS.

Gee.

Oh, Steph, imagine our Bubba will be a baby mogul in six weeks.

Michael, you also will have a position at the station.

Jumping mother of Moses? You mean this hombre's back in the showbiz saddle?

Oh, God, please, no.

According to the terms of the gift, your official title will be that of

figurehead. Figurehead? Did you hear that, Stefan?

Figurehead! Oh, Michael, it's what you've always dreamed of, a meaningless

with no responsibility.

And you did it through hard work and perseverance.

Henry, since Michael is going to be an impotent figurehead, who's going to make

all the decisions?

Why, my baby, of course.

The center of the stinking universe.

Oh, sweetie, you've made Mommy and Daddy so proud.

Yes, you have.

Oh, yes, you have.

Would one of you mind telling me how a baby who can't talk is going to run a TV

station? Steph, give this Dalton Loudon a sample of how our cuddly one

communicates.

Is this expensive Scottish cashmere yes or no?

See?

She's wiggling her feet. That means no.

When she means yes, she does this.

Cut it out, Michael.

Okay, honey, we can go now.

I'll do my final touch -up in the car.

Hey, Jojo, guess what?

My illustrious in -laws have gifted our golden child with WPIV.

From now on, your show and Dick's will be part of the...

Baby Stephanie Broadcasting Network.

The baby's going to run the station?

That means yes.

Hey, it's Mikey Harris.

You guys remember him?

Oh, sure you do. He's the obnoxious little guy who had a bright future here

it all came crashing down on his head.

On his head. That's a good one, Wally.

Paul, there's something you should know.

Stephanie's parents bought P .I .V. and gave it to the baby.

It's nuts, but the kid is your boss.

once or every day for the rest of your life?

Every day sounds good.

Michael, introduce baby Stephanie to all her little workers.

National Brotherhood of Yokels.

These are your cameramen and sound men.

Oh, this is Paul.

He was once a producer.

Now, he's your diaper man.

JoJo has to go finish her makeup so she can look pretty for you on her show.

Boy,

what a suck -up.

Excuse me. Someone has to work around here.

In five, four, three, two... And now it's Vermont Today starring

Dick Loudon.

Vermont Today is a Baby Stephanie Harris production brought to you by the

generosity of the cutest baby in the whole wide world.

Yes, she is.

Oh, yes, she is.

Welcome to Vermont Today.

I'm your host, Dick Love. The only word that describes my very special guest is,

well, genius.

Hello, Roland Myers, Father...

of modern lawn furniture.

Hi, Dick. Roland, I know the burning question on everyone's mind is, how

did you get the idea for lawn furniture?

Well, one August afternoon, many years ago, I was sitting on the grass sipping

lemonade. I thought, if only I had something to sit on like a regular

later, I built the first lawn chair.

I have never seen a baby shake her feet so vigorously.

Do you think our little darling has deduced the thickest grab?

Well, she was bound to find out sooner or later. I needed something to put the

lemonade on, so that's why I invented the lawn table.

Fascinating.

Oh, damn, our time is up and we've only just scratched the surface.

I'd like to thank my fascinating guests, Roland Myers.

Remember, folks, transcripts for today's show are available for free.

Only one.

Two of them.

And we're out.

Baby Stephanie wants to see you, Dick. And she's not happy.

No, she's not.

Oh, no, she's not.

This is so hard.

Baby Steph's firing you.

She's what?

You're what?

Well, don't think it's easy for her. But she has to ask herself why throw good

money after bad.

This is crazy. After that amazing interview?

Well, she just didn't respond to the material. And she was also dying for you

pick up the pace.

The baby told you that?

Well, not in so many words.

Like none.

She was kicking her feet like crazy.

And she had another way of showing how she felt.

You just couldn't pick up the pace, could you?

I mean, I don't believe it. I've had a TV show here for seven years, and a kid

wiggles her feet and poops, and I'm out.

Oh, sweetie, couldn't you give Dickie another chance?

Say, a week to change the direction of his show so you like it?

She's mulling.

What if I don't want to change the direction of my show?

Oh, Dick, I wish you hadn't said that.

Oh, Paul.

I'm not afraid to take an unpopular position. I like you.

That's why I'm giving you this.

A list of guests guaranteed to appeal to baby Steph.

Who's... Who's Helen Bodaglia?

A wet nurse.

You expect me to interview a woman whose breasts are for hire?

Dick, trust me. Lean on me.

Those marketable memories can be your meal ticket.

Michael, you're a boob.

Hi.

I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl, and this is my other brother Darryl.

Larry, is this important?

We're here to save Dick's show from dying on the vine.

My show is not dying. Of course, you're right. We're wrong.

As long as he has a steak knife in his hand, we'd better humor him.

I think you've already got one foot off the ledge. If the boy's alleged to have

a hedge, it'll give you an edge. I'd like to hear it.

A list of Daryl's personal friends who could save Dick Show from dying on the

vine.

Billy Holiday.

Billy Holiday is dead.

That explains why she ain't had us over lately for carrot cake and sing -alongs.

Wait, here's someone who's still with us.

George McGovern.

Senator George McGovern?

How did Daryl get to know George McGovern? Well, due to his extraordinary

campaign strategies, Daryl was responsible for McGovern's landslide

the 72 presidential election.

Guys, McGovern, he sort of lost to Nixon that year.

Oh?

Well, I guess that explains why Daryl hasn't been invited to the White House

carrot cake and thing -a -long.

You could really get George McGovern on my show? Whoa, Dick, what have we been

talking about?

The baby's not going to relate to a politico unless... This McGovern, does

funny faces?

Maybe you'd like it better if he wore a silly hat.

Or better yet, dressed up as a pickle.

Dickle, it'll take at least two weeks to get a good pickle costume made.

And thank you so much for the long stem red roses.

I'll put them right on the new wet bar you had installed for me.

Wet bar? I don't even have a toilet.

Thanks for booking this politician guy, Dick.

Maybe Stephanie's going to have me working overtime.

By the way, Paulie, I left some wingtips by your locker. I stepped in something

this morning. See what she can do.

In five, four, three, two... And now it's Vermont Today starring

Dick Loudon.

Well, welcome. Welcome to Vermont Today. I'm Dick Loudon, and it's a privilege

to have as my special guest the former senator from South Dakota, George

McGovern.

Welcome, Senator.

Thank you, Dick.

You know, there's a burning question I've got to ask you. What was it like to

run for president of the United States?

Well, it was a pretty interesting experience, but it was also a

lot of hard work.

Oh, I'll bet.

So you're saying that it was interesting and...

At the same time, hard work.

That pretty well sums it up.

Her feet are going a mile a minute.

If those two don't jazz things up, she's going to pull the plug.

What's with that dick? I throw a wet nurse in his face and he doesn't even

Senator... Dick, dick.

We have to confab. Go away.

Everything all right?

Yes, this man, he wants to get your autograph. He's a

liberal.

Really? He looks like a shallow, self -centered, materialistic

yuppie to me.

the stage.

Dick, the red flags are flying. Now, if you don't pique my infant's interest

soon, she'll have Buddy pull the pluggy.

You know, I'm sure a lot of our younger viewers would like to know about your

childhood.

When you were a kid, did you ever think about what it would be like to run for

president of the United States?

I think I...

Thought it would be interesting.

But also a lot of hard work.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

Is something wrong, Dick?

Call me Dickie Poo.

Dickie -poo?

Or Dick -a -dee, or Dick -a -dow.

Dickie -wickie. You know, just take your pickie.

Well, Dickie -wickie, I thought maybe we

could talk about the State of the Union under the present administration.

All righty -rooney.

Can we do it while we do this?

Why are you acting like this?

Because it's fun.

Do you have some medical problems?

No, no, I'm just a naturally happy dicky -wicky.

Come on, Georgie, why don't you rub your tummy?

I'll be your best friend.

You mean like this?

Senator... Please stop.

But this is fun.

I'm terribly sorry. Look, some people encourage me to go after the youth

but, I mean, if it means making a man of your stature look idiotic, I

just won't do it. Now, let's get back to our...

Our political discussion. How did your wife feel when you decided to run for

president? Well, I think she found it interesting.

But also a lot of hard work.

Well, I see we've run out of time.

This is Dick Loudon thanking my guest, Senator George McGovern.

And saying, goodbye forever.

And now the headlines.

A lot of really bad stuff happened today.

But we don't want to hear about that, do we?

No, no, no, we don't.

We want to hear happy stuff.

Well, little Nicky Lerner caught a little yellow butterfly today. And it

pretty.

And Nicky was so happy.

Boy, what a scoop.

Hi, Dick.

Sorry about the really bad stuff that happened to you today.

The news reporter said you'll probably be replaced by widow Nicky Lerner.

Well, we're all going to miss Dick's show terribly.

But there is some good news.

The baby gave me a company car.

Just for kissing up?

It's a mockery.

Where's the car? Where's the car?

Outside. Want to go for a spin? Oh, boy, do I.

It's a mockery.

Coming up next, potty patter with your host, Whittle Nicky Lerner.

Oh, look who's here.

It's Dickie Wickie.

It's Dick. I had it legally changed back.

Uh, we held a behind -clothes daughter session with baby Steffi, and...

Well, she's wavering. I don't care. She's not my boss anymore.

Well, fine, if you don't mind losing your TV show.

Michael, come on. Let's go warm up the baby's bottle.

We'll, uh... We'll be right back.

Keep a peeper on our pitcher.

I think what you're doing is unfair.

All right, all right, maybe you... Maybe you do know what you like, but... I

mean, I'm aiming for an audience who can, you know, walk and talk.

Well, sure, you know, you can go on about your demographics and your TVQ.

But, I mean, there's room for shows with substance.

So you agree.

You know, I mean, you know, there are enough dumb programs on the air.

Like Joanna's.

Look, I...

I think if you watched Vermont Today regularly, you might grow to like it.

Look, I don't want to take any more of your time.

Can I have my show or not?

Oh, thanks, boss.

You're okay.

Guess you are.

Guess you are.